Love is not a romantic cliché; it is the profound test of spiritual maturity, especially for men who are seen as the initiators in a marriage. Today, we dive into how love manifests in the daily rigors of marriage, emphasizing that true love is more about conduct than mere emotions. We'll explore how patience and kindness play pivotal roles, revealing that effective leadership in marriage requires a disciplined spirit—especially when irritation and frustrations arise. The conversation will illuminate how love can thrive even under pressure, encouraging us to choose kindness actively rather than falling into the trap of selfishness. Join us as we unpack these dynamics, using insights from scripture to guide our understanding of what it means to love sacrificially and lead with grace.

Takeaways:

• The concept of love in marriage serves as a barometer for spiritual growth and maturity.
• Leadership in marriage is primarily about initiative and selflessness, particularly for men.
• Patience in love is not merely waiting; it requires discipline to manage irritation and frustration.
• Kindness in marriage goes beyond avoiding harm; it actively seeks the well-being of the partner.

Welcome again to our study.

We have been looking at love and marriage and how that all applies to being the spiritual man that we're to be.

We've looked at marriage only from the standpoint of it being such a good barometer of whether we have, whether we're increasing and growing in the stature and the fullness of Christ, whether we're actually becoming that spiritual mind, or whether we're still carnally minded and the natural man.

So today we, in looking at marriage, our focus has been primarily on the men because they are the great initiator.

They're the ones that begin.

They're the ones that the heavy responsibility lays upon them in being the head of the wife and in loving as Christ loved.

So we've been emphasizing that last week we talked about that man is the great initiator.

He was, he loved first.

He was the one that just as Christ loved first, he's the one that initiates.

And that's what really leadership is all about.

The leadership that I can study in the New Testament declares that leadership always takes the initiative.

It's the takes action.

It doesn't wait until it responds.

It's not reactionary.

It actually starts the process.

You might say it starts initiates it and acts in the best interest of others.

So today, while we've shown that love is the daily discipline of ruling oneself for the good of another, in marriage love is proven.

It's proven by the conversation in, in the marriage, by the tone of voice.

We've talked about that, their patience, their forgiveness, their restraint.

And so today we'll see how love functions internally.

Because sacrificial love is not merely the grand public act, like the willingness to die for another person.

But you know, and this is where First Corinthians 13 becomes so important and we want to really camp here for the rest of our time.

If you have a Bible and would like to turn to your New Testament to First Corinthians 13, Paul does not define love here by emotion or how one feels.

He defines it by one's conduct.

Love is not presented first as what how a man feels, but rather how a man behaves.

It's what he does and what he does not do.

So love is patient, love is kind.

Love does not envy, love does not boast.

Love is not arrogant, love is not rude.

Love does not insist on its own way.

Love is not irritable.

Love does not keep record of wrongs.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things things.

So here love is described.

It's really not defined so much as it is described, because love is always action or the choice to not act in certain ways.

So it's described by what it does as well as by what it would not do.

And each of these descriptions assumes internal discipline.

Patience, for example, respect requires a mastery over oneself, over their personal irritations.

Or patience is not simply just waiting.

It's the ability to remain steady while something or someone has irritated you.

Or maybe they're delaying and you're wanting quick results.

Something that is disappointing you or something that has inconvenienced you.

That's the test.

Of course, without the test, patience really has no meaning.

That's the whole point of it.

A man doesn't need patience when everything is pleasant.

He needs patience when his will is crossed.

And so in marriage, irritation is going to rise.

I mean, there's always going to be something that does not happen the way we want it to.

Maybe a wife doesn't understand as quickly as you might want her to.

You've explained it before and you don't understand why she doesn't grasp it.

Or she brings up the same concern again.

She's maybe emotional when he wants the conversation to be very just, simple.

She needs time when he, he wants closure, this is, you know, she wants more time to study, think about it, talk about it, and share with him.

And he wants to get it done quicker.

She interrupts his plans, maybe his rest, whatever.

These are all things that put him to the test.

And so it's not that a patient man never feels irritation.

Please don't go that route.

It's that he doesn't let irritation govern his tone, his face, his words, his timing, his treatment of his wife.

He is disciplined.

He is in control.

James says, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.

James 1:19.

So patience lives in that space between feeling provoked and choosing a response.

It slows us down.

It slows the man down before irritation becomes sharp and rude and crude.

When we think about patience in the context of love, patience is love standing guard at the door of that irritant.

It recognizes the first movement of frustration within our hearts and.

But it refuses to let that frustration become the lord of the moment and control our actions.

So love is behavior that is under pressure, and it requires a deliberate kindness, benevolence when selflessness would rather be easier or when kindness requires some deliberate choice to do some kind deed.

Kindness is not merely avoiding the harm.

It's the active choice to do something good for another person.

But selfishness is easier because selfishness, it really follows that carnal, natural man that pulls on us for.

For the moment.

It asks things like, what do I feel like doing?

What is the easiest thing for me?

What protects my comfort?

What do I want right now?

But kindness acts differently.

It says, what would bless her?

What would make her life easier?

What would help her?

What would make this burden lighter, you see, or this care, this worry lighter?

What would love require from me right now in her best interest?

That's the kindness that is deliberate.

It asks those deliberate questions.

It doesn't wait until serving is convenient for you.

It doesn't wait until the other person deserves it either.

It chooses to be benevolent even when oneself would rather withdraw.

Or maybe when there's just the inkling that says this is crazy, or to be critical of something, or maybe just ignore it as being unimportant to you.

But though it means quite a bit to her in marriage, selfishness says, I worked all day so I shouldn't have to listen to this.

Kindness would say, on the other hand, she matters more to me than my desire to be left alone.

The carnal man says, that's her problem.

But the spiritual man says, because she's my wife, her burden belongs to me.

The carnal man says, I do enough already.

But the spiritual man says, love isn't looking for the minimum that it can give.

And so this is why kindness requires some discipline and some choices, a commitment.

A husband may be tired, distracted and frustrated, and still he can choose to speak gently.

He may want to protect his own comfort and still choose to help.

He may feel unnoticed and still choose to do good without turning every act of service into a transaction.

So Ephesians, chapter 4 and verse 32, we have so much in scripture to support this way of living.

Be kind to one another.

Paul would say in verse 32, tender hearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

Now, that verse immediately shows us that kindness is not just being polite, has nothing to do with that really.

But it's the tender hearted mercy that's modeled after God's own treatment of us.

See, none of these qualities, qualities arise accidentally or just because it's our nature to be so.

They're cultivated, they're trained and bedded into the very soul of a man.

And so this is why love becomes one of the great training grounds of masculine character.

A man may possess physical strength, he may have some great skill, some occupational skill, or he may know the scriptures and be able to quote them verbatim all chapters at a time.

He may have great responsibility and some financial successes and public respect, and yet still be very undisciplined in showing love.

He may know how to lead a business, solve problems, repair broken things, and make wise decisions.

But if he can't rule his own spirit in the presence of his family and his wife in particular, then the Scripture would still call him quite weak.

Strength is defined here not by appearance, not physically, but by strength of character.

And it starts with these characteristics.

Patience, kindness.

We've quoted this before, but that verse belongs in any serious discussion of strength.

A man can conquer a city, and from all appearances that would impress the world.

Anything like that usually gets our attention.

But the man that can govern his own spirit displays greater strength than that.

So, as we've said before, marriage becomes that testing ground.

It reveals whether that strength is there or not.

The home becomes that testing ground where our public image and our private character can either agree or contradict each other.

In First Corinthians 13, therefore, that shouldn't.

That doesn't flatter us.

It examines the man and asks whether his love has discipline.

It asks whether his love can remain patient when he's annoyed, that we can be kind when we're tired, that we can be humble even when we're corrected, and that we are willing to forgive even when we've been deeply wounded.

Love is that behavior under pressure.

So let's look at these one by one.

He says.

Love is patient.

Now, this is no small beginning.

Patience is one of the clearest demonstrations of love because it reveals a willingness to bear with another person.

Patience is love that's slowing itself down for the sake of the other person's weakness or their pain or their fear, just their immaturity.

And in marriage, patience is tested precisely because of the fact that we are near one another on a regular basis.

A husband sees not only his wife's strengths, but he sees her burdens, her habits, her fears and insecurities, the same repeated questions and concerns and frustrations.

Unfinished growth, right?

We see that all, all of that familiarity can either deepen tenderness or produce contempt.

There's two very popular sayings, and I've often wondered as a young man just which one is true.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder is one of them, and the other is out of sight, out of mind.

Which is it?

Well, it can be either one the same nearness that allows a man to know his wife deeply can also tempt him to become easily irritated by her.

So he may begin to expect some her to understand, to finally grasp what he's been saying for a while.

Or he may expect immediate agreement.

He may expect her to understand what he's saying.

He said it enough times, she ought to understand it by now.

But real people don't work that way.

You know, marriage is not the union of two perfect people.

It is a covenant life of two people that are still being formed and still growing.

That's why patience is so essential.

Love doesn't demand that another person develop on one's own timetable.

It doesn't say, you should be over this by now.

It doesn't say, I've explained this over and over again.

It doesn't say, why are we still talking about this?

Patience, you see, refuses to treat another person's slowness, their weakness, or their fear as an offense.

Now, please understand that this doesn't mean patience approves of sin or ignores destructive behavior.

The Bible Patience is not cowardice, is not being passive and just quiet about matters of great serious consequences.

God himself, for example, is patient, and yet he never is seen to be indifferent toward evil.

In Romans 2, 4, though, says that the riches of his goodness and forbearance and long suffering and he says that the goodness of God leads to repentance.

Again in second Peter3.9, Peter says, the Lord is long suffering toward us, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.

See, it is this merciful restraint with a purpose that is redemptive.

And so it is in marriage.

A patient husband doesn't abandon the truth, but he refuses to be harsh with that truth, to use it as a weapon.

He may need to address some serious issue.

But he doesn't do it with contempt.

He doesn't do it with cutting words or sarcasm, or with despising looks and the roll of the eyes.

He may need to lead through a difficult conversation and and does so, but not with pressure, not with raised voices or irritation, and to use that as tools to accomplish his purpose and his superiority or his supremacy.

He learns to slow himself down.

That's key.

Slow his spirit, quiet his spirit, so he listens without rushing to a quick judgment.

He explains without being sharp and cruel.

He allows room for growth without treating immaturity as an insult against himself.

The story of Joseph gives a beautiful picture of disciplined patience.

Joseph was wronged by his brothers.

They hated him, sold him, and brought grief upon Their father.

But many years later, when Joseph held power over them in Egypt, being second to Pharaoh, only Pharaoh, when the family was looking for sustenance and food during the famine, they went to him, and his brothers appeared before him.

Now, he could have used that moment to repay them.

He had the authority, and he certainly had the memory.

And now he has the opportunity.

If there was ever a moment when he could have gotten even, or when he could have humbled them or humiliated them, more likely he could have done so then.

But he didn't allow his wounds to govern his response, even though he had tested them.

Yes, he did, but he didn't destroy them.

And when the truth was finally revealed, he said this in chapter 45, 5, God sent me before you to preserve life.

That was in his mind, the purpose for which he was put in the position he was.

Later he would say in the 50th chapter, in verse 20, you thought evil against me, but God meant it unto good.

So while they had ulterior motives for evil, God turned that their purpose, turned it for good, that it might accomplish something very positive.

He had a plan.

And so Joseph's patience was not just the fact that he chose to forget.

It wasn't that he couldn't remember.

He knew exactly what they had done and what had happened, but he interpreted his pain through the providence of God rather than through revenge.

That's a powerful picture, and it certainly is a powerful demonstration of what marriage can be.

A husband may remember the wounds.

He may feel the disappointment and the words that cut deeply.

He may carry grief, but love disciplines the soul so that the pain doesn't become cruelty.

And so patience gives God room to work.

He quiets his soul.

He waits and refuses to make one painful moment the final definition of another person.

Patience may look less dramatic, but no less spiritual.

It may be the husband who answers gently when his wife asks a question that he thinks he's already answered.

It may be that he listens again to a concern that is not yet settled in her heart.

It may be that he doesn't mock her fears and minimize her emotions and treat it with indifference or rush her healing and say, get over it.

It's plenty of time for you to be able to.

To be busy and working again.

It may be the husband who remembers that his wife is not an obstacle to his peace, but a person that's been entrusted to his loving care.

Patience, my friend, is therefore one of the most practical expressions of love that there is.

It sacrifices the demand for immediate ease they desire to be done with the conversation.

And it says, I'll make your weakness unsafe.

It does not excuse me.

It will not say, I'm going to make your weakness unsafe.

In other words, I'm not going to exploit your weakness toward others or to myself.

Furthermore, and our last point for the day, and we'll pick this up for next week.

Love is kind.

Patience restrains the irritation, but kindness goes forward with active goodness.

So patience can keep a man from doing harm, but kindness will compel him to do good.

So together they accomplish a dual purpose.

So it's not just the absence of cruelty, it's the presence of some active goodwill, some benevolence.

Kindness is love demonstrated by taking thought for another person's good, what can be done in their best interest.

It shows itself in words, one's tone, their timing, service, just surrendering service, showing mercy, understanding, and giving tender care.

A man can avoid obvious harshness and still fail to be kind.

You see, he may not yell, but he may be cold and indifferent.

He may not insult, but he may withhold the warmth of concern and care.

He may provide materially and be able to support his family financially, but never speak 10 tenderly.

He may be faithful, yet stingy in affection.

And so Ephesians 4:32 says, Be ye kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

Kindness is joined there with tenderheartedness and forgiveness.

You see, the kindness of God is one of the great themes of Scripture.

We find in Titus 3:4 5.

After that, the kindness and love of God, our Savior, toward man appeared not by works of righteousness, which we have done, but according to his mercy, he saved us.

See, God's kindness appeared in saving action.

It wasn't just the mere sentiment in heaven, it was something that was done.

Now apply that to marriage, men.

If kindness is offered only when she's cheerful and agreeable and appreciative, that's easy, then it's not.

Yet the kindness of grace is is a reward system.

But love, on the other hand, is shaped by the kindness of God, who was moved toward us even when we were enemies, when we were so unworthy of.

The story of Boaz and Ruth gives a good picture, I think, of manly kindness through Boaz.

Ruth was this Moabite widow, very poor and vulnerable, and especially in those days, gleaning in the field that was not hers.

Boaz noticed her and he protected her.

He spoke graciously to her and provided for her.

He honored her character and spoke well of her, and she Said, why have I found grace in your eyes that you should take knowledge of me, seeing that I'm a stranger?

That's chapter two in verse 10.

But Boaz's kindness created this safety guard, this protection.

That's the powerful image for a husband.

A wife shouldn't have to wonder whether her husband's strength will be used against her or whether it be for her.

She should never wonder about that.

Kindness means that his words are not weapons, his leadership is not domination.

And when, and there's a need of correcting, it is not in to humiliate.

See, his presence is not threatening, it's rather a strength.

It covers, it protects, it's there to guard.

And she should never wonder about.

About that.

And so kindness in marriage can be seen in just the everyday day long, long.

You know, it's just a gentle response, the gentlemanly response and the gentlemanly initiative to do for her in her best interest.

A hand placed on the shoulder, a cup of coffee brought without being asked, a word of appreciation, a willingness to help without keeping score or using sarcasm.

Well, I. I washed the dishes for you today.

These are.

These are not sentimental extras.

They're the daily currency of love.

In Proverbs 31, it speaks of the virtuous woman, and it says in her tongue is the law of kindness, verse 26.

The same should be true of a godly husband.

The law of kindness should govern his tongue.

A man's speech should not merely be technically true, it should be shaped by love.

Is it no wonder then, that when Paul writes in Ephesians 4, he speaks of speaking the truth?

But notice, please, in love may grow up into him.

See, it's speaking truth in love.

What is it that's motivating the speaking of truth?

Is it?

I told her, I set the record straight.

I'm right about this.

I'm accurate.

I know what I'm saying.

Or is it telling the truth, but doing so with great care?

It should be shaped, you see, by love.

Truth without it is just a blade it cuts.

Kindness without truth can become weakness.

But love, when it's joined together with truth, binding them together is a powerful thing.

And so in marriage, that just simply means.

A husband doesn't merely ask, have I avoided doing wrong?

But he asks, have I actively done good?

Have I made my wife's burden lighter?

Have I spoken to her as one who's precious?

Have I used my strength to bless or have I hurt her?

Those are the questions we want to begin next time looking at the next, next one with that describes love.

And it's not arrogant.

It's passive in the sense that it's patient.

It's active kindness.

Those are the two things that it is.

But then he begins to tell us a series of things that it is not.

And the first one that comes in the list that starts in the list is it's not arrogant.

Now, this is essential, because pride is one of the greatest enemies of love.

They cannot coexist.

Pride turns the self into the to the center.

It makes a man difficult to correct, slow to confess, quick to defend himself, and eager to maintain his upper hand.

That's it's the very opposite.

It will kill love.

So come back and join us again for next week as we begin to talk about the things that love will not do.

Thank you so much.

Have a good day and a pleasant week ahead.