Love Letters is a short and sweet format where I record for you snippets and golden nuggets of the love letters I send to my community. You can subscribe to get the emails (and all the wisdom I don't record too š) by clicking here
Loved today's episode? Check these out, because you deserve to have fun and learn something useful :
āØ 31. Why "feeling safe" is messy and so challenging ?
āØ 29. Why pleasure should be your new best friend
āØ 28. The Architects of the SM dungeon of your mind
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If youāre new here, hi, Iām Dr Fanny Leboulanger, French Doctor and Sassy Sex Coach, nice to meet you š My mission? Helping people (like you ?) reignite theri alivness by stepping out of life auto-pilot, sexual boredom and self-hate. So that you can reclaim your own Lifegasm. Through 1:1 coaching and magic tools (food for thoughts, sexy education, reclaiming pleasure and inner healing), with a zero bullshit tolerance, we embark together on our journey towards your most Sexyfied Life.
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Hey everyone, long time no see :)
Since August is around the corner, letās talk aboutā¦body image challenges.
If your vacation includes some kind of swimming, thereās a chance your mean inner voices didnāt stay at home. That includes comments on your weight, your breasts, your skin, your hair, your faceā¦and everything else.
Raise your hand if the SM dungeon of your mind goes wild when you put on your bathing suit, arrive at the beach, get out of the water, go for a walk, lie down for a sun bath, see peopleās eyes when you get an ice creamā¦or just have a look around and feel people are judging (hint : usually, they donāt care, but Iām sure you know that already, and yet you still feel that way)
And if youāre not, awesome, continue doing that, but keep reading, that applies when youāre not on vacation too š
If youāre like me, when you share that with a loved one, you will usually get a very useful piece of advice : Ā«Ā just stop caring about what other people thinkĀ Ā».
(I looooove getting Ā«Ā wisdomĀ Ā» my brain already knows and still have no idea how to apply it. Side note: it sucks, because it makes me feel inadequate, failing, stupid because how-come-you-cannot-figure-this-out-itās-not-that-complicated. As if I didnāt have enough of that already š¤£)
Hereās a secretā¦ youāre smart being, your brain has already figured out people rarely care about you, theyāre so busy being in their minds and living their own lives.
(I had a French history teacher in high school who said most people have one thought Ā«Ā letās talk about me, itās the only thing I care aboutĀ Ā». Good point š¤£)
So itās not a question of not knowing you shouldnāt care. You already know that.
Itās a question of having stored into your body a personal combo of your own personal history, your family history and living in a patriarcal society (š¤®).
Youāre living in a body that has integrated thousands of comments like Ā«Ā Black makes you look thinnerĀ Ā», Ā«Ā Shorts donāt look good on fat peopleĀ Ā», Ā«Ā That dress is too short, go dress appropriatelyĀ Ā» or āyouāre not hot if you donāt have big breastsā¦ā. Living in a body that has been bombarded with images of marketing-friendly bodies repesenting 2% of the population (yes things are getting better. And yes, weāre not done because weāre surprised when we see something inclusive). Living in a body constantly getting comments and concerns, even if it comes from a well-intended Ā«Ā but I care about youĀ Ā».
Add to the mix a few humiliating situations from high school (whether they were related to your body or not) or a dumb ex making comments about you because they were insecure in their own skin.
And you want your beautiful mind which sometimes cannot decide what to cook for diner to fight all of that ?
So what do we do ?
Iām not going to list all of the different types of professional therapy (Iām a family doctor and self-love & pleasure activist, not a psychiatrist). But what I do know is that usually, working with your body works, just like EMDR uses your eye movements š
There are several things we can do to process whatās stuck: physical activity (any type of movementā¦), deep breathing, positive social interactions, kindness, laughter, a good cry, creative expression (I borrowed this amazing list from a life-changing book, Iāll give you the details below).
Thereās one thing I love, the twenty-seconds hug and six-second kiss. Why ? Because it releases ocytocin. The love/arousal/kindness/intimacy hormone. Overall, it just helps you feel good.
And you know what helps you feel good too? Pleasure š Thatās my add to the previous list. So why not?
But back to the point, who do you think who will win between a body crafted through 2.8 million years of evolution or an amazing mind that has decision paralysis in front of Netflix?
Thatās why Ā«Ā donāt care about otherās opinionsĀ Ā» doesnāt work. Because it only uses your mind. And you need your body with you.
You canāt change your mind if you donāt feel safe in your body (youāre not going to Ā«Ā stop and enjoy the momentĀ Ā» when youāre chased by a lion š¤£). And pleasure expands your inner safety.
When you feel safe, you suddenly feel sorry for that jerk making comments becauseā¦ his life probably sucks real hardā¦ You know you can wear bright colors and be elegant & sexyā¦ Or own that no, you wonāt get back to your boring job, because it drains your soul (although, letās be honest, some elements of this list might take longer than others š¤£)
How does that sound?And hereās another secret. You can start the journey easily, because your body is here for you, even if you have been disconnected for a while or have wanted to Ā«Ā not care about peopleās opinionĀ Ā» for months/years.
The best way to do so is to reignite your senses. And you can start that with touch, with a 5-minutes-chocolate-date, with self-touch, having a 5 senses awakening ritualā¦
And if you donāt know where to start, you can read my free ebook Essence here. Or re-read it because if youāre like me, if you read a book only once, you almost donāt remember whatās in it š¤£.
Take care and enjoy your August, Iāll be back soon with food for thoughts and podcast episodes.
Much love
Fanny