Navigating the challenges of the NICU and the complexities of grief, Elaine Roth shares her poignant journey as a mother and writer with host Lucinda Koza. After the premature birth of her daughter, Elaine found herself facing the emotional turmoil of an emergency C-section and the uncertainty of her child's health in the NICU. Through candid storytelling, she reveals how writing became a crucial outlet for processing her experiences and emotions. Elaine’s debut book weaves together themes of loss, healing, and the magic that can arise from the depths of sorrow. This heartfelt conversation highlights the importance of self-advocacy in motherhood and the transformative power of storytelling as a means of navigating life's most difficult moments.

Elaine Roth's journey through motherhood is one marked by unexpected challenges and profound resilience. In her conversation with host Lucinda Koza, she candidly shares the emotional rollercoaster of giving birth to her daughter nine weeks prematurely and the subsequent experiences in the NICU. Roth's narrative is both raw and enlightening as she recounts the fears that accompanied her emergency C-section and the subsequent struggle to navigate the complexities of caring for a fragile newborn in a hospital setting. The discussion highlights the critical importance of self-advocacy and intuition, as Roth emphasizes how she learned to trust her instincts amid medical uncertainties.

As the episode unfolds, Roth delves into the healing power of storytelling and how writing became a refuge for her during tumultuous times. She discusses her debut book, which weaves together elements of grief and magical realism, providing insight into her creative process and the cathartic nature of writing. Roth's transition from a NICU mom to an author speaks to the transformative power of sharing one’s experiences, both for herself and for those who resonate with her story. Listeners will appreciate her reflections on balancing the demands of motherhood with her passion for writing, as well as her insights into how creative expression can serve as a powerful tool for healing.

This episode is a celebration of the strength found in vulnerability and the importance of community in navigating life's challenges. Roth's story is a beacon of hope for parents facing similar circumstances, reminding them that they are not alone in their struggles. The conversation encourages listeners to embrace their narratives and recognize the beauty in their journeys, fostering connection and understanding through shared experiences.

Takeaways:

• Elaine Roth's journey through her daughter's premature birth highlights the importance of maternal instincts and self-advocacy.
• The emotional challenges of navigating the NICU can lead to long-lasting impacts on parents.
• Writing can serve as a powerful tool for healing and processing grief and loss.
• Elaine's debut book intertwines themes of grief, magical realism, and the human experience.
• The podcast emphasizes that it's crucial to believe in your instincts as a parent.
• Elaine discusses how her experiences in the NICU shaped her writing and storytelling style.

You can find Elaine Roth's recently published book, THE MIDNIGHT GARDEN, at the link below:

https://go.shopmy.us/p-11109513

Hey, everyone, and welcome to How I Ally.

This is Lucinda Koza, and I am here with a fellow New Jerseyan, and I would love for her, slash you, to introduce yourself and give a backstory, if you don't mind.

Sure.

Hi, everyone.

Thank you so much for having me on the podcast.

My name is Elaine Roth.

I'm a New Jersey writer.

Actually.

My first book came out last November.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

And then I'm a mom of two biological kids and then two bonus children.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

So it's a busy household.

Yeah.

And I'm excited to be here and talk a little bit about my experience.

My oldest is the one who.

She was born nine weeks early and they don't know what happened yet.

So that's the story that I'll share today.

Great.

So how old is she now?

She is going to be 15 in March.

Yeah.

You would never believe this.

She was two and a half pounds at birth and now she's just about my height.

Her feet are bigger than me, which.

Mine, which I can't actually get over.

It's amazing.

It's an amazing thing that is so amazing to go from.

Is my baby going to get off of oxygen and be able to breathe on their own?

And now she is 15 years old.

Just about.

Yeah.

That's success.

Yeah.

So she's 15 and she was your oldest.

So it was your first pregnancy.

Are you.

It was my.

Yeah.

It was my first name.

Yes.

Not the right question to ask unless you want to disclose, but that was the first.

Your first time.

So you probably.

I don't.

Did you know anything?

I certainly didn't know anything about what to expect about giving birth.

Did you?

Oh, I had no idea.

I think I just assumed people do it all the time, this would be fine.

And then, you know, and the way my pregnancy was going, I was very lucky.

I got pregnant very easily.

And then my pregnancy was just up until the day that it wasn't.

Actually.

My doctor's appointments were a breeze.

The scans were all great.

My health was all great.

I was the kind of patient that I was in and out in two seconds.

It was like easy check mark.

Until the day that I went to the doctor.

And I was like, something feels funny.

She's not kicking as much.

And the doctor said to me, oh, you're not a very big person.

She just doesn't have that much room in there.

It's not a big deal.

And they sent me home a couple days later.

I called and I was like, she really not kicking.

And they said, drink some Orange juice and lay on your side.

I drank so much orange juice.

I laid on my side and she still.

And I was like, something is still not wrong.

So they brought me in for a Friday morning appointment.

I remember I called my office and I said, I'm gonna be a little late.

The doctor just wants to check me out.

They brought me in for the Friday appointment.

They put me on a stress test.

They took the stress test and they're like, oh, you're still or non stressed?

I always forget the name.

And they're like, no, everything is still fine.

And I started bawling in the doctor's office.

I was like, something's not fine.

Please check something else.

And then that's when they were like, fine.

And they brought me into the ultrasound.

And within about an hour and a half of that moment, she was delivered that they were like, oh, my God, she is going into distress.

We have menace here.

They pulled me into the.

I was connected to the hospital where the doctor's office was luckily, and she was emergency C sectioned within 90 minutes of that moment.

That is.

That brings up so many things like, oh, like when you're pregnant, doctors tend to tell you, oh, that's just blah, blah, blah, blah.

Oh, that's very normal.

Oh, it's normal to.

Yeah.

Some people feel that way in their pregnancy.

It's.

It's so dismissive.

It's so dismissive.

Yeah.

And if you hadn't push.

That's not my personality to push things either.

But I.

It's hard.

It's hard to advocate for yourself and your baby, but it's hard, especially, I think, to advocate for yourself, especially when you're not used to it.

Gosh.

Wow.

And you just knew.

Yeah.

No one actually believes me, but I remember, like, there was a moment we were actually.

My husband and I were in a birthing class, and I remember a moment where, like, something.

And I was like, oh.

And it was in.

Within a week of that that things started to go wrong.

And I'm like, oh, that was the moment.

Something happened.

I don't know what happened.

Everyone's okay over there, but I believe you.

Yeah.

Because it was your body.

She was you basically at that time.

So I believe that.

I believe you feel when something is wrong.

Obviously.

Yeah.

The moments that the shift happened.

But.

Yeah.

Interesting.

So how.

Okay, so after the emergency C section, which.

What was that like for you?

Oh, that was terrifying.

They were.

I was signing papers as they were giving me that shot for the baby steroid, like, for long.

They're like, this isn't going to do anything because she's coming right out, but at least let's try.

Same thing happened to signing papers.

My.

They were putting my husband in a gown.

He was signing papers, and it was just like k.

It was.

It all happened so quickly.

So were you able to.

Was there ever, like, a sense of calm or, like, relief?

Like someone.

Like, they finally.

They're listening to me, and what needs to be done is being done.

But also, you were terrified.

I think I was more terrified that I was right, I was coping, that I was just like an overdramatic, nervous, pregnant lady.

I don't 100% remember what they saw.

I know she wasn't moving.

There was something.

They don't know exactly what happened, but for whatever reason, she was hemorrhaging in when she was in the womb.

So what they could tell in the ultrasound was that a lot of her, all of her, the blood that was left in her body was going to her brain to protect that.

And that's why everything else was starting to.

All the other organs are starting to shut down.

Wow.

So once she was taken out, did she go immediately to the nicu?

Yeah, yeah.

She had to get blood transfusions instantly.

How long did she stay in the nicu?

She was there exactly eight weeks.

Wow.

Wow.

How did it feel leaving the hospital without a baby?

I remember I felt.

It was.

It felt terrible.

Like, it felt wrong.

There was almost a little bit of shame involved in it, too.

Oh, I don't know.

I can't even explain the shame, but I'm like, oh, I'm leaving without her.

I messed up.

I don't know.

It really felt something.

Yeah.

I don't know.

It was a very strange feeling.

This is not correct.

That's what I remember, that moment of, oh, everyone knows I'm not taking her home.

I don't know who everyone is or.

Why I cared, but, yeah, I know.

Yeah.

The invisible audience, right?

Yeah.

And then you.

The way that you visited her.

Would you describe how you walked every day to visit her?

At the time she was born, we were living in Manhattan, so we were living on 14th street and 5th Avenue.

And the hospital that she was at was 14th and 2nd.

Or right around there.

Yeah.

So every day I would just walk from our apartment there.

And I.

The first few weeks, because the C section, they had to do the emergency C section, it wasn't.

Which I don't fault the surgeons.

It wasn't done well because it had to be done so quickly.

So my recovery was very difficult.

So I remember I was walking hunched over the first few weeks, but I just needed to get outside.

And then every day I would walk to see her in the morning, stay there for the day.

My husband would come after work, we'd stay until bedtime, and then we'd walk back home.

And that was a lot of my healing process too, that time walking back and forth.

That's really interesting because it seems like that would be an intolerable task, like walking, feeling that shame.

But through that, it seems like you grew, you had post traumatic growth through doing that.

Is that right?

Yeah, I've always been a movement person, so the way that I can process even just my thoughts is when I'm in motion.

And in the time when you're right after you've given birth, it's hard to move.

You're not yourself, your body isn't your own.

Especially after an emergency C section or a regular C section or non emergency.

So getting back into your own body, getting into your own breath, that really helped me start to feel like myself, which made it so.

Even when I walked into the hospital, that that shame evaporated really quickly.

And I remember everyone was like, oh, take the time while the baby's in the hospital to heal.

And that I couldn't sit home and do nothing.

But that walking was that time I took for myself.

And also, you're a writer.

So tell us about your book.

My book?

It's.

It's fiction.

Women's fiction.

Oh yeah.

So it's actually, it's.

I.

There's some elements of my life because there's.

The main character lost her husband, but that's where the similarities end there.

But it's basically a woman's journey through grief.

There's some magical elements to it, which is always the kind.

Some something I like to write something with a.

Not necessarily magic, but that idea of.

That the universe is bigger than we really understand.

And coincidences sometimes are coincidences, sometimes they're signs, that kind of thing.

Yes.

Wow, that sounds like.

It sounds like that was a very cathartic way of dealing with your husband's death.

Is that right?

I don't know if cathartic.

It's something.

When I was right after my second, I'd always wanted to be a writer.

And after my second was born and I was getting.

I was home all the time with the kids and I was like, I need to do something else with my brain.

And I said, hey, I think I'm gonna write a book.

And he was like, oh yeah, you're gonna Be great at it.

And I remember instantly.

So writing it was.

Even though he'd been.

He'd passed away years before the book actually finally came out.

I don't know.

It felt like the culmination of a.

Like he knew I could do it and then I did it.

It took 10 years, but it got done.

That's amazing.

Yeah.

In a way you were carrying out your dreams that you created together, that you talked about together.

Yeah.

That's exciting.

It took 10 years.

It's not this book particularly.

There have been six other books before that were that I wrote, that couldn't get an agent, that I queried, that I decided to shelve and I took a writing class and wrote another book and queried couldn't get an agent.

So it was the learning curve of learning tech.

What it takes to write a book versus to write a shorter piece.

So you've been writing for a long time now?

Yeah, now for a long time.

A lot of work, research, trial and error.

You have to learn to put your ego like over here because writing is.

It's so subjective and what one person loves, three other people hate.

And you have to really just take what everyone says and figure out what works for you and leave the stuff that doesn't without taking it personal.

That's hard.

It's really hard.

Or sometimes you throw yourself a pity party for a day and then you move on.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

Did you always write fictions?

I always wanted to write fiction, but I started once after my husband passed away.

That's when I started getting into the nonfiction writing too.

So now I do a little bit of both.

So how do you find that?

Do you like it better or worse or the same?

It's interesting.

Fiction is just fun.

You sit with your coffee and your imagination and you can write then non fiction that I find really rewarding because that I write a lot about grief or relationships or dating.

As a widow, I write about my birth story and I really enjoy when that gets out to the right person who needs it.

And then I get feedback from them.

Thank you for sharing your story.

I was thinking this, but I've never been able to put it into words and I don't know.

So I really like that part of it.

The way it feels like it's nonfiction feels a little bit more two way.

Yes.

That was so interesting.

Yeah.

And helpful.

Yeah, yeah.

It's doing a little good.

Fiction does amazing things too, but.

Right.

It feels like you're giving a little something to people.

So it's nice.

Right.

And It.

But I feel like writing about it and obviously talking about it, it just helps to get rid of that shame.

Yes, absolutely.

When you realize you're not the only one who's had this thought or this feeling feeling, you're like, oh, maybe it's not.

There's actually nothing to be ashamed about.

We just need to bring it into the light a little bit more.

And also grief.

I believe that when you experience something personally, you become an expert on it.

I feel like grief is possibly the number one thing that someone would need help with.

Yeah.

To be seen through.

Yeah, yeah.

To.

Yes.

To understand what's happening and why they feel that way.

Yeah, yeah, I agree with that.

Because I really think grief, when you don't know it, you're like, oh, it's.

That person is sad, they're grieving.

And I think it's the word encompasses so much more than just sad.

It's.

There's anger, there's guilt, there's like relief.

I don't know.

There's so much that all goes into that one word.

So I think when people finally experience it, they just need to be understood.

Like they want someone to say, yep, it is all those things.

It is that little, that storm.

That's what grief is.

It's not just you.

You're crying in bed every day.

We need to.

I'll put your book information in the show notes for sure.

Why thank you.

Oh, of course.

Were you talking about like magical realism?

Yes, but not to the extent of.

If you've read an Alice Hoffman book, for example, she.

I would love to be able to write that I'm not as talented like she.

She has the full.

The book is imbued with magical realism.

And on every page I have just little touches of it here and there.

And I pulled this.

I did pull from my own experience.

Like for example, the way that the character experienced different signs from her late husband.

That was something that I found a lot in those first two years.

I always felt like Matt and I always said our sign was a rainbow.

So it would be on like the three month anniversary, there was a rainbow.

On the one year anniversary, there was.

There were always just these little things of.

Of course they could be coincidences and you look, you find what you're looking for.

But it always felt like there was something a little bit more of him saying, oh, I'm here, I'm still with you.

And that's what's been pulled into the book.

That feeling of maybe it's all coincidence.

And when you really look for Something, you're gonna find it, but maybe it's something a little bit more.

So that's what, that's what's pulled into the book.

That's.

I've heard that so much.

Like, I remember my mom telling me that she woke up in the middle of the night and then five minutes later got a phone call that her father had died.

Things like that.

And yeah.

Knowing, like having that sense of knowing.

Fit that sense of knowing.

Right.

And it could just be.

It could just be coincidence.

It could just.

But it almost feels nice to believe that it's not.

Absolutely.

It's.

I think in general, it's nice to believe that there's more.

Right.

To like what is physically in front of me.

Yeah.

I.

Another weird coincidence.

My husband's name is Matt.

Oh.

Yeah.

So we both.

Full disclosure, we both live in New Jersey.

We've never met before face to face.

And we had very similar experiences with babies in the nicu.

And it's so good to talk to other moms because I never really did that.

Yeah, me either.

I did like to always hear, and I couldn't quite believe it when you have a two and a half pound little thing on a breathing tube.

But I always did like to hear the stories of the moms who are now in my position.

Like I have this beautiful almost 15 year old who's in honors classes and sports and driving me nuts with boys and whatever she's doing, but just happy, healthy, thriving.

And I.

If you had told me that when she was two and a half pounds of the nicu, I think I would have wanted to believe it, but part of me would have been like, how do I go from this to this?

That it feels too hard to do and it does happen.

That is so good to hear.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

It seems like it's.

It seems like it can't hap.

There are like too many steps between that in there and how do we do that?

But it.

Exactly.

Yes.

And each step feels, I feel like each step feels like insurmountable.

But then you do it.

And then I never thought, like my daughter got discharged before my son did and because he, he was having trouble drinking all of his.

Or having all of his milk from a bottle because they were, they had, they were tube fed.

Right.

And I just felt like he's never going to get this.

Oh, I remember that feeling.

Staring at the monitor, watching.

Are they still breathing while they're drinking?

Are they still breathing while they're drinking?

Staring at the monitor.

It's hard to explain.

It's just.

Go ahead.

Yeah.

And that moment when they take them off the monitor, I remember that.

And you're like, wait, who's in charge of this?

Making sure they're still breathing now.

Like, I.

I remember when they let me take her home and I was like, I need the monitor.

She should be looked on it for the rest of her life.

You just made me remember that.

Oh my gosh.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah.

You're like, how does it go?

How do I.

Yeah, yeah.

And there are like those little.

I remember a doula told me.

Was it a doula?

Because those little things that you would like clip onto their clothes or something and it would go off if they stopped breathing.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Obviously I was like, do we need that?

Do we need that?

Do we have to get those.

And it was like a doula or someone told me that they go off all the time.

Like when it's not even real and it's just going to drive you crazy.

I did get one of those and went off all the time.

It drove.

Yes, I can confirm she gave you accurate information.

Oh my God.

That is funny.

Yeah.

So it would go off and I thought she had stopped breathing and she was fine and I was a lunatic and it obviously worked out fine.

Yeah, that's.

Oh.

Yeah.

You just have to have faith at some point, man.

I think that you're.

Obviously.

Your story is about your first child and now being on the other side of it physically.

I don't know.

That's just.

It's so important.

Just like you said, it's so important.

Especially for first time moms who are like living in the nicu because you don't know who you.

No, it's your only experience.

So all you know is this nicu, baby.

You can't picture a different.

Yeah, you can't picture the other side of it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I know that we're over time, but I want to ask.

I know you said it took you 10 years to write your book.

What is your writing process like?

Do you even have a strict process?

Let's.

So it's interesting because now I got my agent with the book that I wrote right before this one that got published.

So now working with her, she likes an outline first, which I'd never done before.

Midnight Garden, which is a book that was published, I had an outline.

And now this one that I'm working on, there's an outline.

The only process that I really have that has stuck with me throughout is I wake up at five before the.

Anyone else is awake.

I have my coffee which I have pre made.

So it's brewing as I'm coming down the stairs.

And I write in that first hour and a half if I'm lucky.

And that's the writing process is like that time is.

And then hopefully five little times during the day when I'm waiting to pick someone up, I'll write in the car.

But it's really that hour and a half is like the guaranteed time for hour.

Yeah.

I get up before everyone else gets up.

So important.

Oh, my God.

It's the only time that I am alone.

Yeah.

Oh, I get it.

When you're.

It's before like the house gets up and all of a sudden your brain is inundated with the mom things of the house to do when you can just have your own thoughts that aren't taken over yet.

Absolutely.

And also the morning can be a very creative time.

Maybe it's because the whole day hasn't taken it out of me.

Yes, exactly.

But I always work in the morning.

Yeah.

Thanks so much for joining me.

And I definitely want to read your book.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

Yeah.

And I'm going to put the information in the show notes and my voice sounds like it's going away.

That's lovely.

Oh, you need some tea in this cold?

Yeah, it is cold up here.

Good luck with writing.

Thank you.

You too.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

It's so nice to talk to you.

You too.

And maybe since we live close by, we'll run into each other at some point.

There's very good chance that we would in writer circles or anything, make the circles.

Oh, my gosh.

Yes.

Oh, man.

Wow.