Why do we do things we know aren’t right for us? In this episode, Lesa Koski shares personal stories—from a disastrous snorkeling trip to an icy ski fall—to explore midlife mindset, intuition, and why ignoring our inner knowing leads to unnecessary pain.

Using her S.O.U.L. self-coaching method, Lesa walks through how stillness, surrender, and aligned decisions help women over 40 stop fighting themselves and start living with more clarity. This episode is especially helpful for women navigating divorce, boundaries, people-pleasing, or major life transitions who want to make choices that actually feel right.

Timestamps

(00:00) Welcome + why the New Year feels like a reset

(03:40) The question that won’t leave us alone: why do we go against ourselves?

(07:20) The Hawaii snorkeling story (red flags we ignored)

(15:10) The icy ski fall + ignoring inner knowing

(24:30) How people-pleasing overrides intuition

(30:40) Using the S.O.U.L. Method before making decisions

(39:00) Purpose vs. obligation: when sacrifice is aligned

(48:10) Divorce Clarity 40+ community invitation

Key Takeaways

Ignoring inner knowing often leads to unnecessary suffering

People-pleasing can override intuition

Stillness reveals what we already know

Alignment feels different than obligation

Purposeful sacrifice brings peace, not resentment

Guest Bio

Lesa Koski is a former family law attorney turned mediator, divorce coach, and mindset coach. She helps women over 40 navigate divorce, midlife transitions, and emotional overwhelm with clarity, faith, and grounded tools. Lesa is the host of Doing Life Different and creator of the S.O.U.L. Method™.

Resource Links

1. Book a coaching session with Lesa:
2. Find More From Lesa Here!
3. Sign up for my newsletter https://enchanting-basil-714.myflodesk.com/qwzridafyj
4. Marrie Simpson’s Metabolic Reset
5. jjflizanes.com/lesa
6. Sign up for my newsletter! https://enchanting-basil-714.myflodesk.com/qwzridafyj
7. Ebook https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0G4B2ZY1W?ref=yb_qv_ov_kndl_dp_rw
8. Divorce Clarity 40+ Community

Tags / Keywords

midlife mindset, women over 40, divorce support, intuition, people pleasing, boundaries, emotional clarity, faith and mindset, doing life different

Welcome listeners.

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I'm so thankful that you're

here today in this new year.

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I can't even believe it.

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It's gone fast in some ways and then

like sometimes kinda slow in others.

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So I always love the new year

and I hope that you do too.

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It just, it's like a

rebirth and a starting.

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Point.

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So, and it's interesting, what I'm going

to talk about today kinda hit me over

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the head when I was, you know, how I'm

working on that book and it's so fun.

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And thanks to Bob Goff, I have all these

great, great stories that he made me write

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and I was looking at one of my stories

and then I was learning from it still now.

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That's why journaling is so

fun and I highly recommend it.

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But today I wanna talk about.

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And what I learned from my story,

which I'll share with you, I wanna

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talk about why do we do things that

we know we don't want to, and that go

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totally against us, totally against

what we know to be true inside.

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And um, you know, you think when

you hear that, well, of course I

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don't go against, I set boundaries.

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I.

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It became so clear to me in this

story that I wrote and you will

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giggle because it was kind of funny.

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So, and I have to tell you, I hurt my

tailbone, so I'm gonna be a little wiggly

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today, which is another part of why do

we do things when we know that we don't?

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Want to or we should.

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Okay.

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So picture this years ago, it's, you know,

over, it's like 31 years ago and, um,

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we're flying out with my whole family.

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We have one baby at that

time, uh, baby Abigail.

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And we're flying out with my brother and

his baby, and my parents we're gonna see

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in beautiful Hawaii, which was always.

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A wonderful trip.

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I mean, we, we love Hawaii, and

we were there and we thought,

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okay, let's do snorkeling one day.

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So we rent, we got tickets for this

little snorkeling boat that would

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take you out and give you lunch.

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And, um, then you'd come back and

we were able to bring the babies.

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And so I had, you know, Abigail

in her little car seat and we

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got there and we were all kind of

looking because there were like.

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Red flags, no surfing today.

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And the waves were ginormous

and you know, it was really bad.

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There were surf warnings that you could

just see it was, it was not gonna be good.

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And we stood there with a lot of other

people who were going on the boat

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and we're all like, kinda looking

around and we paid a lot of money.

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And then the captains who were probably,

you know, maybe not even college age,

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were like, oh no, we're going out.

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Um, we'll go try to find some,

you know, stiller waters.

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So you're looking at that.

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You're looking at your

baby in the car seat.

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You're seeing these ginormous waves, you

know, from your experience that you can't

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really snorkel in waves, but you paid

the money and everybody else is going.

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So we all kind of look at each other

and we're like, okay, well let's go.

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So we get on this boat.

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It was the wildest ride

I've ever been on, I think.

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And it, it's funny 'cause my

dad and I love roller coasters.

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Nobody else does.

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So there were moments where we would

be out sitting out there watching and

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we're like, ha, this is kinda fun.

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My concern was for my baby

who was in the car seat.

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'cause you just are like, is this safe?

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You know, and, but you're like

with everyone else, you're

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like, oh yeah, it's safe.

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Well.

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It became like the Barama and my poor

mom is, she's just like perfect, right?

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Like all women were that are her

age and she, she's not one that

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would she, I mean, I don't wanna

throw up in front of someone.

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She doesn't wanna throw up

even more in front of someone.

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That's a private matter.

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Well, we're on this boat,

everyone's throwing up.

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My mom has been like.

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She's had motion sickness

since birth, so she's sick.

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But this is the thing, I think on

this whole boat, probably with 40

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people, my dad and I were maybe

the only ones that didn't throw up.

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So anyway, my, we, my husband and

I go kind of down below and we're

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sitting there and you know, rocking.

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And my baby Abby threw up her banana

that I fed her before we left.

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So then you're like, this is.

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This is bad.

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So we're sitting there and we're

just feeling like, what are we doing?

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You know, and, and then you know how it

kind of becomes like you could get silly.

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Okay, so, so my husband and

I both at the same time, our

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eyes are drawn to this darling.

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Older lady with short

gray hair and a mumu.

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You know how old, I mean, I,

she had to be in her eighties.

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She's got her mumu on and she got a

big five gallon bucket between her legs

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and the, the whole family's there and

we're all rocking, and, and she, she

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is sick and she takes her dentures.

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Pulls 'em out and just,

it continues to throw up.

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And then she catches our eyes

and she looks over at us and uh,

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and she just starts smiling and

laughing and we like belly rolled.

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I mean, it was hysterical.

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We will never forget it.

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It was like the best

memory on that darn boat.

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Okay.

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So then they bring us

out to the still water.

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It wasn't still, and it

looked like, you know.

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I don't know, not chocolate

milk, but like that consistency.

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So I jumped in and tried, uh, there

was nothing to be seen, got back on

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the boat and we're all sitting there

trying to like get our, you know.

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Sea legs on and then they go lunchtime.

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I mean, they went through

everything and nobody ate.

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I didn't even eat except I, there

was this little boy, I don't know,

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he was probably like six or seven.

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He goes running by me

with a burger, you know?

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And it's just this crazy, and then he

is just tossing his cookies all over us.

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Right.

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You know, right as he runs by.

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It was so disgusting.

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And do you know.

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They did not give us our money back.

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And because I'm the attorney

in the family, I'm, I'm nice.

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I'm a mediator, but I

had to write the letter.

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I think I got, it was really

hard and I think they gave, I

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didn't wanna like go to court.

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I think they gave us half our money back.

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Are you kidding me?

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So, okay.

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That one I'm gonna go.

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Alright.

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It was kind of worth the memories.

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Maybe now it probably, maybe it was,

it's a funny memory of the trip.

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But why would we, why did we go?

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We all knew it wasn't gonna be a good

scene, but be, it's just like, you're

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just like in with these people and you

just go, okay, so it's so interesting.

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So this has been a week ago now that

I hurt my tailbone or over that,

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and it was, we've, we have snow here

and it's kind of back and forth.

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We used to have snow all the

time, and now it's like, eh.

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Some winters we do, some we don't.

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So when we get snow, we get all excited.

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You wanna do everything?

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And so I hadn't skate skied.

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So there's two different

kinds of cross country skiing.

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There's like classic and

then there's skate skiing.

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So skate skiing's a little more.

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Rigorous takes a little t you

know, you gotta like kind of know

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what you're doing and I was kinda

excited to go do it however it

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was before we got a lot of snow.

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So I went outside and I fed my

horses in the barn and it was really

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icy and hard and I told my hubby.

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I think I'm gonna go on a

little jog and a walk today.

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I think I'd rather do that because

the snow feels really icy and I don't

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think that's a good idea for me.

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And he was like, come on,

I wanna do it together.

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You know, we're getting like closer to

like, he might, you know, retire soon.

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And we're thinking, what, what

do we like to do together?

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We like to golf, we like to walk.

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He doesn't love to walk, so it's like.

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Just sounded like vigorous and like, yes,

I can go do this and be like, amazing.

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So we get out there

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and it was like being on an

ice rink in the slippery.

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Long skis and if anybody cross

country skis, it's not like downhill.

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I love downhill too, but

you can kind of control.

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It was like ice, sheer hard ice and you

just, you couldn't even catch a glide.

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Now my husband was able to do it

'cause he's really good and he does

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it a lot and it, it kind of bugged me.

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And here's the.

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I did it anyway, even

though I had no control.

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I could not, I couldn't

get my equilibrium.

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I couldn't get my groove going because

it was so icy and I fell so hard.

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I swear it like shook my brain

and that hurts on your tailbone.

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Um, I mean you, especially when it's like

pure ice and it right before it happened.

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Now he will deny this.

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My husband was making fun of me.

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We were kind of mad at each other

because he says I don't listen to

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him, which I don't think that's true.

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'cause he said he was trying

to tell me how to do it.

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I think he was making fun

of me and then I fell.

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Then I like, I think I maybe cried a

little bit and I was so ticked off and

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I took my skis off and I started walking

back to where the truck was and I'm like,

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you didn't ski, just get away from me.

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And well, then I put my skis

back on because I was so mad.

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'cause this is what my husband

kept saying, the conditions are

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great, these are great conditions.

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And I'm like, this is ice.

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Like what?

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I'm like, you put my skis on.

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I want you to put my skis on.

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He went, he couldn't,

his boots were too big.

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But, um, so even though I knew.

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That I shouldn't go out that day

I did, and then I got hurt, which

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kind of wrecked some of my workouts

for the following week or two.

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So, um, then, but then here I didn't stop.

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So then I'm like, I'm

gonna learn how to do this.

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I can do this.

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So I like you just go and I put

the skis back on and I kept going

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down this flat thing, which was

good practice, but I did fall again

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and it wasn't as bad, but it hurt.

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And so I got in the car, in the truck.

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He came and I felt like I wanted to be

mad at him, but it really couldn't be.

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I was really, really ticked off at myself

because I knew that I shouldn't go, and

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the minute I put my skis on, on that ice.

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I knew it was a disaster waiting

to happen, and yet I did it.

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I did it because I want

it to look good, I guess.

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Like cool, like I can do this.

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I wanted to see maybe if

it would work, but I knew.

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So you, we have that knowing inside of us.

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And I can't help but wonder, you guys,

you know how this is on my website,

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that Soso method, um, where you do

your self coaching, and I say soso

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because it's, there's three things

under the S that I'll start with.

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S So I'm being funny, which I

shouldn't try to do 'cause I'm not.

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But, um, I can't help but wonder if

I would've sat down and done my mind.

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Work.

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I don't think I would've

gone skiing that day.

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I, and I think, I wish that I would use

it even more than I do because if you

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sit, if, if I would have, and sometimes

we just don't have the time, right?

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But if I would've just been still sat

in that and then, um, started with

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a decision, how did I want to feel?

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I want it to feel good, but I

wanted to feel good about making.

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The decision that was right for me.

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And instead I used the

thought, well this is cool.

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This is something we can do in the future.

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I need to go do this.

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I wasn't looking at, it's icy.

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I like to work out, I like to walk.

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I don't wanna wreck myself for that.

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And um, and then that, and then what

I try to do is surrender things to

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God kind of all the way through.

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And then I would've looked at the

feeling like, what am I feeling?

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And I would've been like,

well, I'm feeling like.

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Kind of like I'm holding back,

like I don't really wanna go.

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Could have really examined that and then

done The thought behind it is so big.

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The thought behind it is,

um, I want to be a vibrant.

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Couple as we age, and I thought going

out and doing that would make me vibrant.

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And oops, it did the opposite.

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It made me look like a granny.

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I mean, I had, I think I had everyone

over the next day for Christmas and um, I.

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I couldn't walk around like normal.

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I wasn't able to hold my grandchildren.

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I mean, usually I'm really

So it that didn't work.

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And so I think if I could have

looked at what I was thinking

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and really thought hard about.

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Are these the conditions?

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I still, I did go skiing again after

that in the light, fluffy snow, even

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though I was still a little bit sore.

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Um, but I just took it easy 'cause I

wanted to, and I thought through it.

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But I just think it's so

interesting how the, that mind math.

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Um, doing that mind math and really

looking at what we think, even if we

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would've done it before that boat in Maui.

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Now, like I said, it is fun to have those

funny memories and they're still gonna

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come up, um, no matter what, but it does,

it does make me stop and contemplate.

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So much time has been wasted

from me going against.

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I know I should or shouldn't do.

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And letting not, you know, surrendering

to God and doing his will, his passion

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that he's put on my heart, being the

person he wants me to be, um, which

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matches what I wanna be 'cause he's in me.

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But it's like there have been

so many times in my life wasted.

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On the wrong things, on doing

things that don't fill me.

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And that's not to be mixed

up with if there is like a

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greater good on the other side.

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Like say here, I mean here's an example.

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I, one of my, my big things is

family and babies, and I wanna have.

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The best connection with my grand babies.

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So sometimes, you know, like maybe one is

sick and the, and the mama calls me and

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says, can you come and watch the baby?

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And I think, uh, I kind of don't want

to because, well, I don't wanna get sick

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or, um, I'm maybe busy doing something.

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But if I remember that one of my huge

purposes is to have that connection.

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With my grand baby, I know that I

can change my mindset and know, oh.

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I'm going, I'm going because

I wanna take care of them.

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'cause I want that connection.

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And so that's where, if it fits

your true purpose, then yes,

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you need to sometimes give up.

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We need to serve.

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You know, I was even saying to my hubby,

like, I don't always love to cook.

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Um, but sometimes he's so

appreciative and honestly.

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When I know that I'm doing it for him,

um, because we can sit down and have a

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healthy meal and it bring, and he feels

so appreciative of it, it makes it more

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fun to make it, if that makes any sense.

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So it's kind of like a juggling act.

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Friends, we're all like, just

kind of getting to know our little

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brains, which is so fun and something

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So come along with me.

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Let's do it.

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And what I want y'all to know.

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I do have, I haven't given

up on my, my divorce clients.

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I am here for you and if you are a woman.

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40 plus or around there who's been

through a divorce or going through

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a rough spot in their marriage.

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There is a school community that you

can join that I am at coaching you,

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teaching you every Wednesday at noon.

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And you can just see in the show

notes, I'll have a, a way to sign up.

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It is $47 a month.

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And you get me for an hour every

week and other people can join.

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It's a positive place

where we work on mindset.

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Um, I'm not a therapist.

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I'm not your attorney, but I can

give you some legal information and

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I can help you coach so that you

can change that mindset and when

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you're going through something hard.

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Like divorce, you need community,

positive community surrounding

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you, and you need your mind, right?

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So I'd love to see you there.

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Um, subscribe to this.

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I'm here for you every week, um, with

new, um, and exciting information.

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Like why do we do things that

go against what we really want?

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Thanks so much for being here.

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Have a beautiful week.