What More Human Actually Means: Being Less Performed Changes Everything When Parenting LGBTQ Kids
Episode 306 •
18th August 2026 • More Human. More Kind. | Parenting LGBTQ Kids, Unlearning Fear, Becoming More Human • Heather Hester | Advocate for Parents of LGBTQ Teens
This episode is a personal one, tracing how performing "fine" for most of my life, learned as a survival mechanism, gave way to embracing the vulnerable, raw, and messy parts of who I actually am. It's a direct answer to the question at the center of this whole show, and an invitation for you to ask it of yourself.
In this episode, you'll learn how to:
Understand "more human" as more honest and less performed, not more polished or more healed
Recognize the gap between how put together you look and how you actually feel inside
Notice one relationship where honesty would be met with relief instead of judgment
Practice one true sentence instead of the edited version you'd normally give
Press play to hear the story behind this show's name, and three tools for closing your own inside-outside gap.
Hi, I’m Heather Hester, and I’m so glad you’re here!
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Listen to *NEW* episodes every Tuesday and Friday!
At the heart of my work is a deep commitment to compassion, authenticity, and transformative allyship, especially for those navigating the complexities of parenting LGBTQ kids. Through this podcast, speaking, my writing, and the spaces I create, I help people unlearn bias, embrace their full humanity, and grow their capacity for courageous, compassionate connection.
For parents, allies, and those pioneering a way to lead with love and kindness, I’m here with true, messy, and heart-warming stories, real tools, and grounding support to help you move from fear to fierce, informed action.
Whether you’re listening in, working with me directly, or quietly taking it all in, I see you. And I’m so glad you’re part of this journey.
More Human. More Kind. formerly Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen is a safe and supportive podcast in a heartfelt and empowering space where a mom and advocate offers practical guidance and education to parents and allies, fostering empathy, kindness, love, and strong boundaries while supporting LGBTQ teens and the diverse LGBTQ community—including gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, transgender, and queer individuals—through conversations about mental health, grief, gender identity, sexual orientation, human rights, social justice, parenting, parent support, and meaningful LGBTQ allyship and allyship in action.
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Transcripts
Speaker A:
This show has More Human right in the title, and yet I've never actually sat down and told you in detail what I really mean by it.
Speaker A:
Not the polished version, which I've done, but the real one, the gritty one.
Speaker A:
In today's episode, I'm answering the question the whole show is named after.
Speaker A:
Welcome to More Human, More Kind, the podcast for parents of LGBTQ kids and anyone trying to stay human in a world that keeps Har hardening.
Speaker A:
I'm Heather Hester.
Speaker A:
And here we talk about fear, belonging, boundaries, courage, love, and what it means to protect what matters without losing yourself in the process.
Speaker A:
Your child doesn't just need a parent who's informed.
Speaker A:
They need a parent who is grounded and strong.
Speaker A:
Let's take a breath and let's begin.
Speaker A:
Welcome to More Human, More Kind.
Speaker A:
I'm Heather Hester.
Speaker A:
By the end of this episode, you will understand what More Human actually means in the context of this show, not as a slogan, but as a lived practice.
Speaker A:
You will recognize the difference between being put together and being honest, and why we often mistake one for the other, and you'll have a clearer sense of where in your own life you might be performing instead of showing up as who you actually are.
Speaker A:
I have performed most of my life.
Speaker A:
I learned it as a survival mechanism long before I had language for that.
Speaker A:
The perfect child being the perfect daughter, definitely being the perfect student.
Speaker A:
I got very, very good at reading the room, finding the smallest cues for what everyone around me needed, and becoming exactly that.
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Whoever kept the people around me comfortable.
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That's who I needed to be.
Speaker A:
I remember saying something to my therapist early, early on when we were working together.
Speaker A:
That still stops me when I think about it now.
Speaker A:
It was an acknowledgement of how I felt at the time.
Speaker A:
And I said something like, the more put together I looked on the outside at that time, the more chaotic, anxious, or sad I felt on the inside.
Speaker A:
And I really kind of said it as a passing statement, but, oh, my gosh, yikes.
Speaker A:
It still makes me really sad to think about how many years I lived like that, that I existed with that mindset, existed thinking that way about myself and.
Speaker A:
And how.
Speaker A:
That's how I moved through the world.
Speaker A:
Hunters coming out was the singular moment that cracked all of that open, that made all of it so much more visible and obvious.
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Facing that and then facing the different mental health struggles that each one of us in my family, the six of us, what we each carried, absolutely stripped me emotionally in a way that I had never.
Speaker A:
I hadn't experienced before.
Speaker A:
I'd never experienced in my life.
Speaker A:
I was really terrified that first year, but that terror also became the catalyst.
Speaker A:
It's what led me to embracing the vulnerable.
Speaker A:
Being really vulnerable, being authentic.
Speaker A:
the name of my show in early:
Speaker A:
And to be completely honest, I don't think I fully realized the depth of the reasoning behind the name for quite some time.
Speaker A:
So here's the most simple way to answer that Being more human means being more honest and less performed.
Speaker A:
That's it.
Speaker A:
Not more polished, not more evolved.
Speaker A:
Not arriving at some finished, healed version of myself.
Speaker A:
More honest and less performed.
Speaker A:
More of what is aligned and less creating different versions of myself to appease or attract others.
Speaker A:
That being said, performance isn't always dramatic.
Speaker A:
Sometimes it's as quiet or as subtle as always being the strong one, always having an answer, always seeming fine in the group text, even when you're not.
Speaker A:
It's a survival skill many of us learned early, often for a very good reason.
Speaker A:
It kept the people around us comfortable.
Speaker A:
It may have even kept us safe.
Speaker A:
But there's a cost.
Speaker A:
Every year of my life that I spent performing was a year I wasn't actually known.
Speaker A:
Not by the people closest to me and not even fully by myself.
Speaker A:
The work of becoming more human isn't about achieving some flawless authenticity.
Speaker A:
It's about closing the gap between what's happening on the inside and what you're willing to let show on the outside.
Speaker A:
Even the smallest, tiniest bit, even imperfectly.
Speaker A:
Actually, just go ahead and embrace the imperfection.
Speaker A:
Here's what I've learned from doing this publicly, out loud, on this show.
Speaker A:
When I've talked about the messy parts, the parts I used to manage and hide, other people start to feel like they have permission to do the same.
Speaker A:
That's the whole thesis of this work.
Speaker A:
Not that being messy is the goal.
Speaker A:
That being honest about the mess is what actually connects us to each other.
Speaker A:
Just in the past few weeks, I've noticed some of my favorite podcasters and thought leaders hinting at the idea that perhaps, just maybe, one of the values we need to pick up and dust off is kindness.
Speaker A:
That true kindness isn't soft.
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It's courageous and a key component to being human.
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Just something that I thought I'd add to the mix here today.
Speaker A:
Something that perhaps we should all contemplate reacquainting ourselves with.
Speaker A:
So let me share some tools that have helped me on this journey to find my way to being more human.
Speaker A:
The first tool is the performance Check once today, notice a moment where you're about to say, I'm fine or everything's great on autopilot.
Speaker A:
Something that you just automatically say and I want you to pause and take a breath.
Speaker A:
Become aware of what you were about to say, of what you are about to respond to, and ask yourself what's actually true underneath that.
Speaker A:
You don't have to say that true thing out loud yet.
Speaker A:
Just take note of it.
Speaker A:
Put a little asterisk by it for later.
Speaker A:
The second tool is one honest sentence.
Speaker A:
Pick one relationship this week, whether it's a partner, a friend, a kid, and say one true sentence you'd normally edit out or soften something small.
Speaker A:
It doesn't have to be a confession.
Speaker A:
It doesn't have to be dramatic.
Speaker A:
It just has to be something real.
Speaker A:
The third tool is the inside out gap.
Speaker A:
At the end of each day this week, ask yourself, how put together did I look today and how did I actually feel?
Speaker A:
This is one that I still use myself quite often.
Speaker A:
If there's a big gap, that's not a failure.
Speaker A:
It's just information about where you're still performing.
Speaker A:
This was a really, really big one for me because I hadn't realized how much I leaned on it and even more what the underlying reasons and drivers for it were.
Speaker A:
Like I said, I still do catch myself from time to time leaning on this almost as kind of a comfort or a security blanket.
Speaker A:
And then I remind myself that healing isn't a straight line and that is actually a comfort.
Speaker A:
I don't think that the goal is to never perform again.
Speaker A:
I think some performance is just how we function in the world.
Speaker A:
But I do think most of us are carrying more of it than we need to in places where honesty would actually be welcomed and feel more aligned and feel lighter if we let it in.
Speaker A:
So I invite you to sit with these questions this week.
Speaker A:
Where in your life are you performing fine when something else is actually true?
Speaker A:
Who in your life would meet your honesty with relief instead of judgment if you let them see it?
Speaker A:
And what would it cost you to be a little less put together on purpose, more human, less performed?
Speaker A:
That's the whole show.
Speaker A:
I'd love to hear where you're finding the gap in your own life right now.
Speaker A:
Come on over and tell me on Substack, which is quickly becoming one of my favorite places to be more human.
Speaker A:
If this episode resonated with you, share it on social media.
Speaker A:
Helping others find their flavor of more human is the most kind thing that you can do.
Speaker A:
I'll be back on Friday.
Speaker A:
Until then, keep choosing to be a little more human and a little more kind.
