For habitual people-pleasers, saying no can seem impossible. It doesn’t matter if we’ve just been asked to break the laws of physics or be in two places at one time—if someone asks, we find ourselves saying “yes” and hoping we’ll figure something out.
In the last section, we considered all the deep roots of people-pleasing, but whatever your reason for doing it, rest assured that you can unlearn this behavior and do something different. Saying no is something that we can learn to do even if we’re not one hundred percent confident, and even if we don’t feel truly assertive yet.
This chapter will work at expanding your “no” vocabulary—because there’s a no for every occasion!
Trevor Powell is a psychologist and assertiveness expert who has outlined six different ways to politely but assertively turn down a request.
Direct NO
This means what it sounds like: You simply say “no.” You don’t follow up with an apology, explanation, or justification. You don’t ask permission to say no or immediately launch into conciliatory behavior to make up for your refusal. Your no just stands there on its own, strong and bold. Think of it this way: the less you add to this brave and noble no, the stronger it is.
Use a direct no when someone has violated a boundary, especially if it’s not the first time. It’s also good for outrageous or disrespectful requests. “You want me to do your homework for you? Uh, no.”
Reasoned NO
Take note, this is a no with a reason, not an excuse. The reason is there to help the other person understand why you are saying no; it’s not to exonerate you or open up room for negotiations. It’s always perfectly okay to say no even if you don’t have a reason or don’t want to share it. But giving a reason is a courteous thing to do.
The only trick is to keep it brief and sincere. Again, the more you add, the less legitimate it will seem.
“I’m sorry I can’t come; I’ll be at my grandmother’s birthday party that weekend.”
Reflecting NO
This is more polite still because you acknowledge and reflect the asker’s feelings and situation.
“I know it would be easier for you if I helped out, but I can’t this time.”
This way, you are noticing and reflecting the other person’s experience . . . without letting it undermine your own boundary or dilute your “no.” It’s a good idea to remember to omit the word “but.” Simply follow up your acknowledgement of their feelings with your polite refusal, without making it seem as though these two things clash. Just remember that people tend to mentally erase everything that was said immediately before the word “but.”
“I know you’re upset. I can’t make it.”
Raincheck NO
You’re not saying no forever and ever. You’re just saying no right now. In the future, you may say yes. Your friend needs your help to move into their new apartment, but your mom has just died and you can’t imagine facing anyone right now. You say no because you can’t right now, but you do want to keep the door open for when your friend needs you in the future.
“I’m sorry, I can’t do it. I can come over in a few weeks’ time, if you like, and help you unpack?”
Of course, if you’re an expert people-pleaser, you’ll have to remain vigilant and stop yourself from making a promise you don’t want to or cannot keep later on.
A variation on this is to simply not give an answer right away, i.e., put a raincheck on your response itself. Say something like, “Oh, I’m not sure. Can I get back to you on that?” or, “Let me just confirm with my calendar/spouse/work colleagues and let you know.” This gives you some time to gather yourself and decide if it’s a request you want to comply with or not.
Enquiring NO
Much like the raincheck no, an enquiring no is all about communicating the spirit of compliance and helpfulness, even though the exact request in that moment cannot be met. Be warm and friendly and keep dialogue open so you can both find an alternative.
“I’m booked with clients for the next three weeks. Maybe I can refer you to a friend of mine?”
You could keep it even more open-ended than that and simply use a few questions to show that you are listening and do care. The trick is that you still say no, but the other person feels at least that you explored the options with them.
“Are you available for a photo shoot on the 26th?”
“Hmm, unfortunately I’m booked with clients for the next three weeks. What kind of shoot were you looking for?”
“Just an hour-long portrait session. I could come into the studio.”
“Hmm. It is just you?”
“Well, me and my wife.”
“I see. Well, if you give me your number, I can call you if I get any cancellations, but I’m afraid I can’t fit you in right now.”
“Oh well. Thanks, anyway!”
Broken Record NO
Sometimes you’ll encounter someone who views your boundary as a personal challenge. They’ll keep pushing and pushing. Your best response when this happens? Keep pushing back.
The broken record technique is simply when you calmly repeat your refusal without really adding anything and without getting distracted by tangents and diversions. You imagine yourself as a boring, flat surface that can only ever give the same answer. Eventually, the other person has no choice but to accept it. The key here, though, is not to get dragged into any pleading or negotiating. If you don’t give the other person any threads to pursue, they have no choice but to drop the request eventually.
“So, can you come get me from the airport?”
“Sorry, I don’t think I can. I have my exam.”
“Yeah, but can’t you come and get me before your exam?”
“No, I’ll need to focus on the exam that day.”
“Really? The whole day? It’s not such a big deal. The airport’s only forty-five minutes from your house . . .”
“Sorry, no. That day I’m dedicating to the exam I have.”
“Wow, seems kind of mean.”
“Like I said, I’ve got to do that exam, so I can’t help you.”
“Okay, fine.”
Notice how the person saying no never takes any bait or gets tangled in details, which would only end up with their boundary being eroded until they basically said yes. They also don’t respond when the other person makes an emotional appeal (“You’re mean!”) and keeps on with that broken record. It’s not a pleasant conversation, but it’s far better than the alternative!
The above techniques look pretty simple, and that’s because they are. But they may nevertheless take some presence of mind to remember in the heat of the moment. Here are a few tips to help you become a master at saying no:
• Rehearse it. It’s a little cheesy, but it’ll give you confidence and courage. If you have a trusted friend, rehearse it with them.
• Don’t over explain, justify yourself, or ask for permission. Your body language and tone of voice can also communicate a lot to the other person, so be mindful and speak clearly, calmly, and confidently. Don’t say no while your body language is saying maybe.
• If appropriate, say no by email or text. It’s easier and gives you time.
• Don’t try to compensate for your no. Even if you feel guilty, it’s not your responsibility to try to solve the other person’s problem for them, help them manage their emotional response to your boundary, or repent for that boundary in some way. You don’t owe them just because you said no!
With practice, turning down requests gets easier and easier. People may be a bit surprised if you’ve always been a classic doormat—you may even surprise yourself!—but prepare for the fact that they may also treat you with a lot more care and consideration going forward. A people-pleaser’s worst fear is that others are out there angry or disappointed in them, but in reality, a person who calmly and confidently takes charge of their own limits and needs inspires trust and respect in others.
Finding it hard to say no is a manifestation of a certain mindset. It’s a reflection of our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world. We can change our behavior and gradually change the way we think, or we can change the way we think and allow that to change how we behave. Your best bet is to try to do both!
Challenging the Beliefs that Stop You from Saying No
Ask yourself, what are your beliefs about this tiny but powerful word no? Some people would say:
• It’s rude to turn down a request (or mean, unkind, or even ill-mannered)
• Saying no means you’re a selfish person who lacks compassion
• If you don’t do what people ask, you’ll upset them
• Unless you say yes to every request, you’re not entitled to ask for help yourself
Can you add any of your own? These beliefs, however, are totally unhelpful, and that’s because they’re just not true. When you believe some version of the above, your conclusion is that you can never say no. But then that means that you agree to things that undermine your values and cross your boundaries, and you may deplete your resources, whether that’s time, energy, or money.
People who have a healthy relationship with the word no think differently. They believe that:
• I’m not rejecting the person; I’m just saying no to this particular request
• I have limited resources, and so I have to prioritize; I cannot say yes to everything
• Every “yes” to something is automatically a “no” to something else
• Saying no is not personal
• I am entitled to have limits and desires and to communicate these
• Everyone has the right to ask, and everyone has the right to decline
If you catch yourself trying to mentally “explain” why you absolutely cannot say no to a request, pause and see if your justifications hold any water. Try to replace them with a healthier alternative above and see if reframing things makes you feel differently.
