Join Dr Demartini for actionable steps you can take to help your child gain greater confidence and resilience through honoring their unique hierarchy of values.

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See,

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we learn and gain confidence in whatever

we think is going to help us fulfill

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what's most meaningful to us, most

important to us, the highest value.

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Almost every parent wants to have

their children confident and feel

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like they stand on their

own two feet eventually,

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and have resilience and adaptability

to whatever happens in their life.

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So my topic today is about building

confidence and resilience in younger

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children. Well, children in the

elementary school age probably,

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that's the main age I was thinking of

when I wanted to do this topic. So,

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first of all, everyone, regardless of age,

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has a set of priorities, a set of values

that they live their life by. Now,

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in the 1950s, it was thought that

children were blank slates and that

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socialization and parental influence

was to give the children their value

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system. That's a bit outdated.

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And the reality today is that

children, even when they're very young,

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already have a set of values. You can

add to them. You can influence them.

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You can learn to communicate in the,

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what you want them to take on in

their values and incorporate them,

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but they already have a set of

values that are unique to them.

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No two people have the same set of values.

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So beware of the autocratic

imposition of your value system onto

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your kids and expecting

them to live in your values,

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because you'll probably find that

that's pretty frustrating. ,

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that's like getting your spouse to try

to live in your values and rewarding them

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if they do and punish them if they don't.

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Sometimes that backfires

to some degree. I mean,

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there's a necessity for communicating,

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but it's caring and respectfully

communicating what you

value in terms of their

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values that get the

results done. So anyway,

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these children have their

own unique set of values,

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and whatever's highest on their set of

values they're inspired spontaneously

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to take action on.

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That's why you see these

young boys sometimes do

spontaneous video games and the

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girls are sitting there on social

media or something like that.

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They spontaneously do that.

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But if you want them to do something

that is not the highest value,

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then you'll have usually extrinsic

motivation, reward them if they do,

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punishment if they don't do what you

want, in terms of what their value is.

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So you'll say something to the effect

that if you do what I've asked,

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you get to play your video games. If you

don't, you can't play your video games.

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So you'll use extrinsic

motivation to supplement the

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drive to get them to do what you want

them to do. Well, that's pretty normal.

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That's a process that we all use.

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But if you want them to

be more confident and more

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resilient,

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just know that the maximum confidence

and resilience is when they feel that

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they're fulfilling their highest values.

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So anytime somebody is prioritizing their

life and doing something that's most

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important to them and meaningful to

them, their confidence in themselves,

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because we tend to walk our

talk in our highest values,

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we tend to limp our life in our lowest.

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We tend to grow in self-worth and

confidence in our highest values.

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We tend to lower self-worth and

lack of confidence in our lowest.

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I have a high value on teaching and

if I'm teaching, I gain confidence.

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If I was to all of a sudden try to

cook or do IT repairs or something

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I'd probably be, you know,

overwhelmed, let's put it that way.

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It's not high on my value, so I

don't really learn in that area.

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We all learn most in what we value most.

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So the confidence and the

place of most resilience,

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where we have the most

objectivity and neutral view,

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where we're not fearing the loss of

things or fearing the gain of things,

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most resilience occurs

in our highest values.

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So the first thing I would encourage you

to do is to take the time to identify

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what is highest on your child's values.

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And I have a Value Determination

process on my website.

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I can encourage you to consider it. It's

free, it's private, it's complimentary,

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in other words.

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But go in there and there's 13 questions

you want to ask yourself or ask your

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child and really pay close

attention to the answers.

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How do they fill their space? How

do they spend their time, et cetera.

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These 13 questions help you

narrow down what is their life

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demonstrating as most important to them.

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Because that's what you can expect

them to be the most resilient and most

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confident in, whatever's

highest on their value.

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If you expect and project your values

onto them and expect them to excel and

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do things that aren't

highest on their values,

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just know you're probably

going to falsely label them.

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You're going to probably think, well,

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they're unmotivated or they're not

confident, or they're not driven,

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or they're this.

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And you typically put labels on people

whenever you project a value onto

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somebody that's not

highest on their value.

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You can rely on your boy or girl to

be doing, or whatever gender it is,

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you can rely on them to live

according to their values.

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The hierarchy of their values dictates

their destiny and it determines how they

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perceive, decide, and act.

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And if you expect them to do something

outside what their highest value is,

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you can pretty well guarantee

they're going to "betray" you,

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because they're not going to get around

to doing something that's important to

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you necessarily, unless

it's important to them.

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So finding out what their highest

value is, is the first step.

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Then taking the things, the classes

that they may want to be taking,

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the job responsibilities around the house

or the the chores that they're to be

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taking, anything that

you want them to take in,

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it is wise to communicate the

value of that, whatever that is,

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in terms of their highest value,

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how will doing their homework help

them fulfill their highest value?

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How will having them do the chores

help them fulfill their highest value?

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If you can't communicate in the way where

they're seeing that they're going to

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get their highest values met,

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they're not likely to take

on the accountability of

what you want them to do.

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And that they're going to be

less confident in doing it. See,

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we learn and gain confidence in whatever

we think is going to help us fulfill

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what's most meaningful to us, most

important to us, the highest value.

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So if we can articulate what we want

them to do, the classes, the chores,

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or whatever it is, or the experiences

that we want them to have,

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in terms of their values.

Now how do we do that?

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We take whatever their values

are, their highest values,

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particularly the top

three maybe, and you ask,

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how specifically is doing this chore

going to help them fulfill that?

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If you can't see how it's

going to help them fulfill it,

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you won't be able to articulate

it in a way where they'll get it.

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And they're not necessarily dedicated to

finding out how that chore is going to

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help them fulfill their values.

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So unless you either bring it out of

them by asking them or imposing that by

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finding out how it is yourself and

then communicating it in their values.

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You know,

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if you're selling anything in the world

and communication in relationships is

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selling, if you're communicating

anything and selling anything,

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you have to communicate what you

value, the product, service, or idea,

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in terms of the customer's value.

Well, your children are your customers,

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you want them to be

confident and resilient.

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Well you therefore want to be able to

have them do something that's meaningful

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and fulfilling to them

where they'll excel,

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where they have the most objective

resilience and have the most confidence in

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their behavior. And that's always

where their highest value is.

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So we want to care about our children

enough to articulate what we want them to

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master, develop in terms of what

they spontaneously want to do.

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And if we can communicate it in a way

where they're getting what they want,

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you know, if we help them get what

they want, we get what we want.

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We want confident, resilient kids.

And in the area of our highest value,

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when we're there, the blood, glucose,

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and oxygen goes into the forebrain and

activates more of the medial prefrontal

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cortex, even in children,

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it takes it away from the amygdala

and puts it into the developing brain.

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And by the way, most people, most kids,

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children don't develop the executive

center to usually in the mid twenties.

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But the reality is that when children are

doing something that's highly engaging

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and really high on their

value, the blood, glucose,

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and oxygen goes in that area

and it starts developing early.

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And so then you have an

executively function, resilient,

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adaptable individual that's

more logical, more reasonable,

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instead of just emotional and

volatile and outta control.

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So our kids are more stable,

our kids are more resilient,

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our kids are more confident

in their highest value.

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Their brain is developing and they're

excelling in that and they gain more

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momentum and more vision for their life

and wake up more leadership roles if

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they do. So,

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taking the time to find out what the

current value is and it's evolving and

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changing,

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and I would recommend you do the Value

Determination at least quarterly,

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and then communicating what you believe

will be of help to them, the chores,

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the homework, the whatever it may be,

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and find out yourself as

a parent and train your

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children how to find how

whatever they're asked to do,

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how's it helping them fulfill their

highest value? They're more engaged,

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more inspired to do it. They'll be

more resilient when they're doing it.

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More willing to embrace the pains

and pleasures of it if they do.

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Because whenever you can

see that something's helping

you fulfill what's most

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important to you, you have way

more perseverance, more resilience,

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you're way more confident, you

build up momentum and you achieve.

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So taking the time to actually

ask how specifically is

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the thing that I would

love for them to do,

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their class that they want

to do well in, or the chores,

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how specifically is it helping

them fulfill their highest value?

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If you can't see it and you go blank

and you think their values are wrong

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and you think yours are right, and you

think, well, because I'm the adult,

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I know better than that, well

that's fine. You may be true.

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But at the same time, if you want to

communicate with them and gain their,

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help them gain their

confidence and resilience,

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it's caring enough to meet them in

their model of the world and their value

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system and communicate what you

value in terms of their value system.

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Whenever you do,

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they're more receptive and open and listen

and they'll inject the values of what

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you want. They'll take those on.

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The second you try to go and

force them to do something,

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the more they retaliate, the more the

sympathetic nervous system comes on,

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the more they have challenge, the more

they shut down their executive center,

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the more they go into the amygdala

and the more they become volatile and

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reactive and non resilient.

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So don't autocratically impose

these value systems onto them and

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expect them to live in what you think

is important. Care enough about, I mean,

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think about this. If you were to

meet somebody that was a customer,

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how would you communicate with

them? You just autocratically say,

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buy my product and

otherwise you're an idiot.

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Or go to your room if you

don't buy my product. No,

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it wouldn't get you anywhere.

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So care enough about your children to

find out what their highest values are

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and respect them enough to communicate

what you believe will be a value to them

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in their life.

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And make sure that you're not just

projecting your own weaknesses or your own

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voids in your life and making them,

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forcing them to be something you want

them to do because you didn't finish

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something.

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Make sure it's something truly valuable

to them to help them in their life and

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communicate it in a way where they're

getting what their values are met.

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And if you can ask,

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how specifically is doing that action

helping them fulfill their values,

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and answer that 10, 20, 30

times, the more you answer that,

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the more able you'll be to communicate

what you want in terms of their values.

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The more they do, the more

resilient they will become.

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Because anytime you're in your

highest values, you're more neutral.

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And anytime you're in your lower values,

you're more volatile, more extreme,

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more absolute. Just like

in the study of moralities,

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you've got relativism at the top of the

morality game and absolutisms at the

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bottom. And the absolutisms

are black and white.

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And black and white are non

resilient and non adaptable.

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And when you try to reason with somebody

who's in black and white thinking

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they're resistant and they're not

creative and they're not empowered

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in that state and they're

not confidence in that state,

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there's a lot of uncertainty and bias.

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So the second we get them in their

highest values and communicate in their

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highest values and respect

their highest values,

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the more easy it is to be a parent. Again,

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if you help them get what

they want to get in life,

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you'll get what you want to get in life.

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So care enough to communicate what you

value or what you believe will help them,

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in terms of their values,

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by asking how specifically

is their value helping you?

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So you can appreciate their values.

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And how specifically is the thing you

want them to incorporate in their life,

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how's it helping them

fulfill their values?

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And if you can do that in a

way where they can see it,

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they'll take on the activity,

they'll be more resilient,

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they'll be more confident, they'll do

it because they love it. Just like,

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you know, my son loved video games,

he's very confident in his video games,

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but doing chores and stuff

wasn't his confidence,

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but if I communicated how specifically

that activity is going to help him in

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video games, he'd take it on.

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So my job was to figure out

how to articulate what I

wanted him to do in terms

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of what he wanted to do.

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And then he would do it because he could

see that it was going to help him in

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what he wanted. And that's the key.

And that's the same thing as selling.

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All caring is selling and all selling

is communicating what you value in terms

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of what they value. And

if you help them do that,

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you have sustainable fair exchange. You

win, they win. It's not a zero sum game,

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it's a non-zero sum game where both

people win and there's both productivity.

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And this allows your children to have

the most resilience and confidence.

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Whenever they're able to do

what's highest on their value,

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they spontaneously are

inspired from within to do it.

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And that's where confidence comes.

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When you're spontaneously

inspired to do something,

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you can't wait to get up in the morning

and do it, and you just keep doing it,

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you master it, you develop the skills,

you practice it, you perform it,

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your fine motor skills

become more effective,

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your executive function becomes more

online, you become more confident,

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and you become more resilient because

you're more objective and less volatile

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and less polarized in your perspective.

See, when you're highly polarized,

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you fear the loss of that what you seek

and you fear the gain of that what you

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try to avoid.

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So if you're highly judgmental and

highly polarized in your perception,

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you're not resilient.

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So that's what happens if you impose

autocratically onto the child what they

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don't want to do and they can't see how

it's going to help them do what they

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want, they go into their amygdala,

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they go into this fundamental black

and white thinking and put on defense

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and get reactive and create volatile and

create emotional blackmail syndromes in

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order to get you to do,

help them do what they want.

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And in the process of doing

it, you lose your resilience.

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So communicate what you value in terms

of your children's values and you'll help

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the resilience and

confidence in their life.

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That's one of the reasons I teach

the Breakthrough Experience. Now,

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although there are children that

attend the Breakthrough Experience,

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in some cases, most of the

people that attend are adults.

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And that is one of the

things that adults have said,

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that since they've learned the value

system, how to determine values,

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how to communicate in values,

how to do links in values,

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not only has it helped them in their

life become more resilient and confident,

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not only has it helped them

empower the seven areas of life,

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but it's helped them in

their communication with

their spouse and their kids.

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And knowing how to communicate what they

value in terms of other people's values

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has made a huge difference in their

dynamics in their relationships.

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So if for some reason you have children

or you're in a relationship where you're

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trying to communicate what you want

in terms of what other people want,

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so you have more dialogue,

not alternating monologues,

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attend the Breakthrough Experience,

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come to the Breakthrough Experience

and let me show you how to do that,

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let you experience doing it so you

know how to apply it so you can see the

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results of that,

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because it can make a huge difference

in the way you raise the kids,

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what their outcomes are and the

dynamics you have in your relationships.

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Not just your at home, but also in your

social life business, your customers,

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but definitely in your family dynamics.

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So come and join the Breakthrough

Experience so I can show you how to have,

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you and the family and the kids

have more confidence and resilience.