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The “National Snowstorm at Witch Island” Expertease
Episode 11020th April 2024 • Expertease - Knowledge, Not Comedy • Clare Sera, Danno Sullivan
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Transcripts

Danno:

Why doesn't she answer?

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:

Come on, Clare, pick up the phone.

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Pick up the phone.

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Clare: Hello?

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Danno: Uh oh.

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Clare: Hello?

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Danno: Clare, is that you?

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Clare: this is the officer's expert.

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Danno: I can almost hear you saying

it's the Office of Expertise.

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Is that Clare or is that some,

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Clare: this, is Claire.

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Oh,

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hold on.

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Sorry.

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Danno: Whoa.

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Clare, your,

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Clare: oh.

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Hello, Dano.

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I'm sorry.

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Am I, um, hydraulic lifter?

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Yeah.

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It's, it is getting stuck.

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I don't know if it needs oiled or.

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Danno: your voice was so muffled it

was almost as if it had compressed

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you into a small box, Clare.

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Are you all

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right?

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Clare: I just had to wait for the

hydraulic phone lifter to lift the

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phone to my ear and mouthpiece.

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That's how it works, Danno.

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It's a hydraulic phone lifter.

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It lifts the phone to me.

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Danno: You know, you are hitting

right on the head, Clare.

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One of the things that I really

needed to talk to you about

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during today.

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Oh, oh,

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Clare: Hold on.

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Danno, Danno, hold on.

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just

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Danno: There we go.

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She's coming.

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Clare, you need to get a one way

ratchet mechanism for safety on that.

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It should not, there needs to be a

safety so it doesn't drop that way.

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Clare: don't say the words on

your head because this has been

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sensitized to voice commands.

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Danno: it's voice command.

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So if I say on your head,

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Clare: Ow!

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Pinch!

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Okay.

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All right.

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Okay.

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Please just be very

careful with what you say.

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It's so sensitive to commands.

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Danno: It's like saying Alexa.

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Or, Hey Siri.

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Clare: Hey Siri.

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Sera.

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Siri

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Danno: Clare, just like that,

you have hit on the head.

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One of the topics So that beautiful

harmony singing you were just doing made

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me think, Clare, Tell me if I'm right.

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Tell me if I'm wrong.

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A podcast is mostly an audio event.

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Clare: Correct.

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Danno: I'm glad you agree with me.

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It's really been bugging me because

most of the other primarily audio

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events that I enjoy are things like.

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Music, music that you listen to

through audio mode via your ears.

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Clare: Right.

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Danno: So here's where

I'm going with this,

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Clare.

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you know, I'm a big fan of the

Beatles, Das Beatles, as they

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were known in my homeland.

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Clare: Oh, yes.

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The band.

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You're talking about the band.

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Danno: Uh, no, I'm talking about Germany.

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Clare: Oh, oh yeah.

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Germany.

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Danno: Yeah.

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My homeland.

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And, uh, the, the band, the

Beatles was so popular there and

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I, I grew up listening to them

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Clare: in the cave.

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Did you go to the

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Danno: Kav, Das Kav.

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Clare: isn't that where they performed?

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Danno: Uh, they would come over from

the Cavern and Liverpool and they

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ins, they were such budding stars, you

know, they would insist on Dos Cave to

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be

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set up exactly the same way.

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Clare: So thematic, like

beetles are in a cave.

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I mean, I just think that's really genius.

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Danno: they stuck with

that for the longest time.

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even as they gained more and

more popularity as Beatlemania

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set in, you know, Shea Stadium

was set up like a giant cave

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Clare: Right.

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I think they would have done better if

they'd let themselves just perform and,

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Danno: say that like you know

something about show business, and

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I'll tell you right now, Clare,

podcasting is not show business.

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when they were in the cave on the Ed

Sullivan show in:

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had even thought to do something like

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Clare: Well, because

you couldn't see them.

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Danno: You couldn't see a thing, Clare.

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The only thing you could see

was there were some of those

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bioluminescent, animals stuck to the

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Clare: Right.

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Those bioluminescent snails

that were figured prominently in

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the animated movie, Smallfoot.

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That's just a little

piece of trivia that I

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Danno: that, okay, yeah,

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you're

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Clare: fan of that Um, but Danno, so

this is bringing you around to The

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Beatles were predominantly an audio event

because they they would only perform in

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caves where people couldn't see them.

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Danno: Yeah.

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They were practically invisible.

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So their audio just became superb, superb.

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And that's what I want

for our podcast, Clare.

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The thing about the Beatles

was, you know, not only did

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they have the great, production.

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of professional studios, but it

was really about those harmonies

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between the performers.

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And I feel

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like that what we lack,

we don't lack it anymore.

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That's all I wanted.

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Clare: oh, our lack has been filled.

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Danno: I want our lack, I want our

podcast to go out in beautiful harmony.

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Clare: Well, that was a

simple request to fulfill.

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Danno: Well, it's going to be harder

when we're doing the actual podcasting,

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because there are so many more words.

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We'll have to write up the

arrangements ahead of time.

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Clare: I think maybe just the

cue will be to tell the guests

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to say some words slowly.

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And whenever they say a word slowly,

we just come in with a little bit

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of, you know, doppelganger vibrato.

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Danno: I cannot wait for our next podcast.

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People are going to be so delighted.

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Their ears will be tickled with delight.

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Clare: Yeah, this is plus, you should put

a plus, on the, um, title with this one.

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We'll put a plus on the,

episodes that have harmony.

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like sometimes people will

put that word explicit

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Danno: Right, instead of explicit,

we will include the word, harmonized.

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Clare: Harmonized,

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for

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your pleasure.

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Danno: Dan Harmon will love this so much.

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Clare: This is going to be completely

harmonized, which means we'll probably

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need to swear a little bit more too.

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Danno: Right, right, right.

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Clare: Swearing in harmony.

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Oh shit.

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Danno: harmony.

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That was, uh, what do you call

it when two things are the same?

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Clare: A homogenized.

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Danno: Yeah, That was Dan

homogenized, not Dan harmonized.

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Clare: right,

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Danno: Pretty little Harmonize.

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Clare: Pretty Little Harmonize.

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Pretty

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little

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Danno: Harmon.

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Pretty

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Clare: Pretty Little Harmon.

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Pretty

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Danno: it's, Clare, the, the harmony is

beautiful, but the timing is terrible.

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So, we're going to put star,

harmonized, not timonized.

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Clare: timing it.

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Well, Dan Harmon's timing is terrible.!

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Danno: Pretty little Harmon.

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Pretty little Harmon.

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Pretty little harmonize.

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Oh, it just became the Mecado

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Clare: also became, Pizza

in the morning, pizza in the

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evening, pizza at supper time.

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You got pizza on a bagel,

you can have pizza anytime.

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So you had one more item to be agended.

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, Danno: I have such great news.

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I'm so excited to share this with you.

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you know the Hotel Splendide

down on Pavement Avenue?

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Clare: Oh yeah, that place is sweet.

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Danno: Well, it's been out of business for

the last 45 years, but back in the heyday

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of the big bands, you know, it was a

sweet swinging place, just like you said.

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Uh, you seem to know it intimately.

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Did you go back in the heyday?

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Clare: My family had a, a standing suite

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Danno: Was it the Sera family that had

the haystand there during the heyday?

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Clare: Yes, exactly.

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Yeah.

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Danno: Hey,

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We used to buy hay, straw, flax there.

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I did not know we had

that childhood connection.

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How

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Clare: Wow, you, you used

to buy hay from my family?

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Danno: Yeah, that was

the, surely the heyday

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Clare: I used to make hay.

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Danno: When?

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Clare: That whenever the sun shone.

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Danno: because of a pact with an

Indian tribe, there is a Tax discount

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available to anyone who can use that

building for, cultural purposes.

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And I thought, what is more

cultural than a podcast that

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goes out to the entire culture?

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That's us, Clare.

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I had a meeting last week with,

cultural attache for the Hotel

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Splendide, Terry Olsen Stottier.

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Clare: Terry Olsen's daughter.

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She's very powerful.

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Danno: Yes.

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And, uh, I, I'm a little

nervous about even telling you

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Clare: Oh my gosh,

Danno, what's happening?

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Danno: we have permission to

podcast from the sky dome at the

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top of the Hotel Splendide, three

stories above the ground, Clare.

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Clare: We're taking the

podcast to new heights?

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Danno: I know we're in a five story

apartment building, but to actually

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go to the top of one of those mid

level high rises from the mid century.

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and, it's free.

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There's no extra

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Clare: That's amazing.

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So we passed the culture test.

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I'm, I'm

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Danno: Uh, they have not heard, they've

not heard any of our podcasts yet.

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Clare: Dan, oh, this is really exciting

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news.

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Uh, I'm a hundred percent for it.

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First of all, I love culture.

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Second of all, I love heights,

although I am terrified.

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I mean, literally terrified

of, you know, heights.

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Danno: a simple solution for you.

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We'll put your expanding telephone

chair in the basement so that even

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when it reaches to its maximum

height, you'll only be up to the

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level where we're actually podcasting.

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Clare: Okay.

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Well, Danno, you know, do we need

to think about what kind of topics?

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I mean, because we need to be thinking,

reaching a worldwide audience.

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Danno: Uh, yeah, now our, uh, our

reach actually decreases, when

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we move into the Hotel Splendide.

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Yeah, uh, they don't have,

uh, internet access, so

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it,

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Clare: so it's, it's a live show.

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Danno: you and me, you know.

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I'd be able to hear you, you'd be

able to hear me, and if we have anyone

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else squeezed into the Sky Dome with

us, uh, you know, uh, We might have

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Emily Horhound in for the squeezing.

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Clare: Oh my, of course you're going to

have Emily Horehound in for the squeezing.

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Danno, you know, I can't refuse to

show up to my own podcast, but I

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just don't think that there's room

in a Sky Dome for the both of us.

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Danno: you are talent, Clare.

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She is nothing more than support.

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And let me tell you, that

girl has got support.

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Clare: Well, you know, look, I

don't want to think on any of the

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negatives right now, cause this

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is great news.

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Danno: So there's so many pluses.

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you know, there's the

roller rink in the basement.

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So there's a lot of, leftover snack

foods that we would have access

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to, uh, from mostly from the 1940s.

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So these would be like rations,

, from the Navy during World War II.

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Clare: oh, right, right, so those,

uh, MVPs, did they call them,

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the little meal in a packet?

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Danno: uh, inflatable dinghies also.

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Clare: Oh, I love them, remember,

they used to open for the Beatles,

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Danno: yeah, if we're lucky, we might

be able to get the inflatable dinghies

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to play for us on one of our shows.

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Clare: that would be magnificent.

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This just gets more exciting, I wish, I,

you know, I mean, I'm already wishing, of

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course, that people could hear this show,

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Danno: well, Clare, I

just had a brilliant idea.

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The building is so old that built into

the walls, they still have those, brass

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metal speaking tubes so that you could,

you know, beckon a servant from the

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Upstairs from, you just speak into the

speaking tube and the sound goes out.

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It is like a precursor of

all this high tech technology

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we're using for podcasting.

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We could have audience members from around

the world stationed in each of the rooms

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of the building at the Hotel Splendide.

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Uh, so our broadcast would

go out over speaking tube

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Clare: over speaking tube.

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Danno: into each room.

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The only thing is we'd have to

start each podcast by saying, Ahoy!

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Clare: wow.

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This is, it's, it's a little

bit complicated, but I'm,

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I'm, I still, I like it.

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I like expanding our,

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Danno: great, so I'm asking you, what

should I tell Terry Olson's dot tier?

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Clare: Well, I mean, absolutely say yes.

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We can always cancel on the day.

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Danno: Oh, perfect, yeah, um, you want

to just list out a couple of quick

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excuses in case we need to cancel?

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Thank you.

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Clare: Oh, that's a great idea.

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Yeah.

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So absolutely.

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We are all in.

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We cannot wait to be there and do this.

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and then on the morning of,

um, I, uh, I have come down

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with a huge Allergy to brass,

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Danno: Allergy to brass.

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perfect.

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Uh, like this, the speaking tubes,

you would not be able to speak into

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them without your lips inflating.

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Yeah, that's great.

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Uh, so my excuse would just

be, um, I'm out of town.

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I'm out of town.

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Clare: It seems, uh, it seems a little,

uh, unprofessional to have forgotten

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that you have the gig and just landed.

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Or, oh, you're stuck out

of town, uh, some kind of

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national emergency, a national

snowstorm on the island.

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Danno: nat, national, on which Island?

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Clare: Well, we're at the

island where you're vacationing.

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Danno: No, no.

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I was saying on which Island, because

that's how you would have a national

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Clare: national snowstorm on which

island coming this week on expertise,

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Danno: Oh,

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can't wait.

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Okay, Clare.

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Well, this is all very exciting news.

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Talk

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Clare: Uh, it just all

makes so much sense, Danno.

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Thank you for bringing us to new heights.

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Danno: Ladies and gentlemen, podcast

listeners from around the globe.

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Welcome to the expertise knowledge

podcast for people who like to get

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their knowledge in podcast form.

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We are podcasting live from the Sky

Dome at the top of the three story Hotel

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Splendeed, just off Pavement Avenue.

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my guest today is a dabbler in

the craft of witchery, and we're

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going to talk to Clare Sera.

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About the recent National

Snowstorm at Witch Island.

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Welcome, welcome, one and all.

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I'm Dan O'Sullivan, your host

on the Expertise Podcast.

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My guest today, claims responsibility

for the recent national snow storm.

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Claire.

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Sarah, welcome to the show.

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I'm

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Clare: I'm so sorry.

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Excuse me.

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Danno: Emily, can we

get a, a glass of water

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Clare: Well, it's really, it's

my, black veil on my hat keeps

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getting caught in my throat

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Danno: do not

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Clare: I thought that the

SkyDome would be enclosed.

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Danno: Oh, no, no.

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It is open to the elements.

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You know, that's how we first

experienced the national snowstorm.

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for my listeners at home, self

proclaimed witch, Clare Sera is

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here dressed very witch like,

covered in black from head to toe.

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Clare, you noticed and, and

mentioned through the, uh,

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speaking tube to our audience here

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Clare: Ahoy.

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Danno: the SkyDome is

open to the elements.

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Since we've been here at the

SkyDome over the last five days,

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we have experienced a panoply of.

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Weather, the variety, the likes of

which we've never experienced anywhere

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indoors, certainly, and rarely outdoors.

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interest do the witches have

in controlling the weather?

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Clare: Danno, which is such as myself.

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And I would prefer from this point

on, if you do not add the moniker self

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proclaimed to my title, um, Witches

such as myself do not, take any,

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pleasure in controlling the weather.

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We work with the weather.

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We ask what the weather

wants and we guide its flow.

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Danno: that's very, very beautiful.

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I think of witches, pardon the

stereotype, as, um, self proclaimed evil,

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Clare: See, I just, I just want

to point out that the, uh, you do

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not need to add self proclaimed.

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Danno: no, no, I understand.

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You asked me not to refer to you as a

self proclaimed witch, and I absolutely

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Clare: you.

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Yes.

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Danno: uh, are you born a witch or

do you choose to become a witch?

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Is it like being Amish where you

have the opportunity to make up

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your own mind or is

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Clare: That's a very insightful question.

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And I love this question

because witches aren't born.

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They're made much like

an Amish barn is raised.

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Danno: Yeah.

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Much like a podcaster, you know,

Ira Glass was not born podcasting.

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Clare: Well, no, I mean,

literally we're not born.

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We are made and raised like an Amish barn.

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Danno: Ooh, the unborn.

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Let's think of a better term

for you than the unborn.

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That's not, that sounds evil.

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And I know you're trying to overcome that.

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How about, um, the raised?

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Clare: The Raised, yes, yes, absolutely.

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We are The Raised as I am today in

this Sky Dome here at Hotel Splendid.

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is that a raindrop?

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Did I just feel a little bit

of, is that a little bit of rain

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Danno: find it ironic that you're

acting surprised at something

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happening in the weather.

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Um, so, you were raised

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a witch.

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As a small witch, was that a, uh,

enjoyable experience for you, or did you

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Clare: Oh, absolutely enjoyable.

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No, no, I was raised by the sea.

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And so for the first years of

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my life, I was a sandwich

and I enjoyed that

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Danno: Uh, Danno, Danno, this is Emily

Horehound chiming in you asked me to just

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cut in whenever there was a pun that would

not be able to be broadcast, so I just

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wanted to let you know that, your guest,

uh, seems to have uttered a pun that

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we simply just will not be able to use.

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So you were raised by the sea?

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Clare: yeah, by the sea.

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and

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things would go awry, much like,

pastrami between two slices,

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Danno: Uh, excuse me, Danno, it's

Emily again, just, uh, I wanted to

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compliment you on how that sweater

brings out the sea foam color of your

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eyes and just let you know that there

was another pun that was, uh, uttered

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and perhaps maybe needs to be excised.

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Clare: now, I mean, this is what led

to us being used by the National Guard,

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Danno: yes,

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this was a very surprising connection

that, the buttoned up tight uniformed

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National Guard would bring in these

self proclaimed witches to, uh,

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well, you tell us what happened.

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I know that the, uh, inflatable

dinghies had been performing,

415

:

, at one of those USO shows.

416

:

Clare: well, we were on one

of the off islands, of course,

417

:

that, really belong to no nation,

418

:

Danno: And could we just interject and

explain off islands to our listening

419

:

public, this is something that only

the United States does right with

420

:

the off islands.

421

:

Clare: yes, they, they provide

their National Guard, for

422

:

services for the off islands,

423

:

Danno: and then for the on islands.

424

:

Clare: on this particular

off island, my sisters and I

425

:

had, established a community.

426

:

Danno: so, had you and your self

proclaimed witch sisters, oops, sorry,

427

:

had you and your witchin sisters,

uh, set up under the auspices of

428

:

the National Guard, or was there

a clash between the two groups?

429

:

Clare: we weren't, we

are, an autonomous body.

430

:

of which in women,

431

:

Danno: You witching folk, you

witching ladies, you witching women.

432

:

Witching woman harmonized with me,

Clare, you got away in the sky.

433

:

Clare: Does harmony mean

that we sing the same notes?

434

:

Danno: that's called Dan Harmonizing.

435

:

Clare: So Dann harmonizing

is like a one note

436

:

Danno: Yeah.

437

:

Yeah.

438

:

Like Dan, you know, it's

just one note, one word,

439

:

one syllable.

440

:

And thank you for playing along.

441

:

You know, that's something we're

trying with all our guests on

442

:

the

443

:

Clare: I see.

444

:

Hmm.

445

:

Yes.

446

:

Danno: for a minute.

447

:

Clare: So, uh, we had created our, a cove

448

:

Danno: a coven in a cove?

449

:

Clare: yes, we were the cove coven,

450

:

Danno: So there was a, cove on

the island and you created a

451

:

coven in the cove?

452

:

Clare: we were a coven

that, lived in the cove.

453

:

And of course, because of the

elements of the wind and the rain,

454

:

Danno: You must've needed

to stay warm, maybe with an

455

:

oven.

456

:

Clare: did have an oven, the

coven has an oven in the cove,

457

:

Danno: Got it.

458

:

Yeah.

459

:

So all these men are coming over,

bringing crowds to your island.

460

:

That must have been a mess for you

all, where you'd been so accustomed to

461

:

living in harmony with nature and peace.

462

:

How did you adapt to that situation?

463

:

Clare: Well, we didn't adapt, I

attempted to do the most peaceful yet,

464

:

pushy, uh, approach possible with these

men and I gave them the cold shoulder.

465

:

Danno: Now I'm guessing that when a

witch gives someone the cold shoulder,

466

:

that is not a figure of speech.

467

:

Clare: No.

468

:

Danno: So this was the

shoulder away from the oven,

469

:

Clare: Yes.

470

:

And so when I gave the cold

shoulder, well, my sisters

471

:

naturally felt it and joined me.

472

:

So now

473

:

there was a circle of cold children.

474

:

Danno: a shoulder in plural.

475

:

I forget that, that you self

proclaimed witches have to

476

:

pluralize using Old English tenses.

477

:

Clare: yes.

478

:

Danno: so this Arctic wave is emanating

from the children of the Wiccan women.

479

:

W O M Y N.

480

:

W

481

:

O

482

:

Clare: That's, thank you.

483

:

W O M Y N.

484

:

I'll say it again.

485

:

Danno: Wa min.

486

:

Beautiful.

487

:

Thanks again for, uh, participating

in the harmony experiment.

488

:

Clare: So there we were,

it, it had happened,

489

:

And I wouldn't even, I mean, I feel

like you're hyping this up to create

490

:

some kind of good versus evil.

491

:

We were just reacting in the moment.

492

:

we offered the cold shoulder as a

peaceful, we don't want you here.

493

:

We do not want your overt

494

:

Danno: And yet it was that gathering

of the coldness that spawned, the

495

:

only worldwide snowstorm that has ever

existed in the history of the globe.

496

:

Clare: And that's what sent the

National Guard you know, nobody's

497

:

even sure to this day what happened.

498

:

The snowstorm was so heavy, so quickly.

499

:

And it just, it was just

a world of White Danno.

500

:

Now you've got National Guards

arriving on all sides of this island,

501

:

Danno: But One of the members of the

Inflatable Dinghies, all of whom were

502

:

enrolled in the military, perceived

that the witches had given up the

503

:

land and had moved toward the cove.

504

:

It was lead guitarist, John Davidson,

with an American flag and planted it

505

:

right in the center of your coven's

home base, and proclaimed that land

506

:

for the United States of America.

507

:

And I for one, Clare, say God

bless Lieutenant Davidson.

508

:

God bless that rockin guitar soloist.

509

:

Clare: But, Danno, you can't just

come to an island where people have

510

:

already taken ownership and plant

a flag and now say it's yours.

511

:

That's just not how

512

:

Danno: Clare, you say that, but

if I can just unfold this Rand

513

:

McNally Atlas of the world.

514

:

This is the newest edition

as of, uh, last week.

515

:

Clare: Right.

516

:

Danno: All right, so let's zoom in.

517

:

Clare: you're

518

:

Emily, could you the paper.

519

:

Danno: Clare, if I look here, I see

which island with the United States flag.

520

:

So you say they can't

do it, but they did it.

521

:

Yeah, but Danno, see, here's the thing.

522

:

So now they're claiming which island, our

own off island, that we had previously

523

:

claimed as theirs, and they tax us, you

know, which is, like, what, what, what

524

:

are, we're not bringing in any money.

525

:

We live off of coconuts and dead souls

I mean, do they provide any services?

526

:

No.

527

:

They take our money, but they

provide no services, so how are

528

:

we part of the United States?

529

:

We don't even get to vote.

530

:

That's the American way, Clare.

531

:

Clare: Oh, I guess we are part of America.

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