Or, the “Dan Harmonizing” episode.

Much love and many thanks to announcer Moira Quirk.

Your charmin ghosts are Danno Sullivan and Clare Sear.

Say, love the show so much that you'd like to leave a review? We'd appreciate nothing more. Click here, and let your expert review-leaving begin!

Got a request for a special expertise? Leave us voicemail with your questions or comments. Over at the website, you'll see the little microphone floating in the bottom-right corner. That's where your expert voicemail leaving happens.

uEhwdXQuz2RUYDgxyM9M

Why doesn't she answer?

2

Come on, Clare, pick up the phone.

3

Pick up the phone.

4

Clare: Hello?

5

Danno: Uh oh.

6

Clare: Hello?

7

Danno: Clare, is that you?

8

Clare: this is the officer's expert.

9

Danno: I can almost hear you saying

it's the Office of Expertise.

10

Is that Clare or is that some,

11

Clare: this, is Claire.

12

Oh,

13

hold on.

14

Sorry.

15

Danno: Whoa.

16

Clare, your,

17

Clare: oh.

18

Hello, Dano.

19

I'm sorry.

20

Am I, um, hydraulic lifter?

21

Yeah.

22

It's, it is getting stuck.

23

I don't know if it needs oiled or.

24

Danno: your voice was so muffled it

was almost as if it had compressed

25

you into a small box, Clare.

26

Are you all

27

right?

28

Clare: I just had to wait for the

hydraulic phone lifter to lift the

29

phone to my ear and mouthpiece.

30

That's how it works, Danno.

31

It's a hydraulic phone lifter.

32

It lifts the phone to me.

33

Danno: You know, you are hitting

right on the head, Clare.

34

One of the things that I really

needed to talk to you about

35

during today.

36

Oh, oh,

37

Clare: Hold on.

38

Danno, Danno, hold on.

39

just

40

Danno: There we go.

41

She's coming.

42

Clare, you need to get a one way

ratchet mechanism for safety on that.

43

It should not, there needs to be a

safety so it doesn't drop that way.

44

Clare: don't say the words on

your head because this has been

45

sensitized to voice commands.

46

Danno: it's voice command.

47

So if I say on your head,

48

Clare: Ow!

49

Pinch!

50

Okay.

51

All right.

52

Okay.

53

Please just be very

careful with what you say.

54

It's so sensitive to commands.

55

Danno: It's like saying Alexa.

56

Or, Hey Siri.

57

Clare: Hey Siri.

58

Sera.

59

Siri

60

Danno: Clare, just like that,

you have hit on the head.

61

One of the topics So that beautiful

harmony singing you were just doing made

62

me think, Clare, Tell me if I'm right.

63

Tell me if I'm wrong.

64

A podcast is mostly an audio event.

65

Clare: Correct.

66

Danno: I'm glad you agree with me.

67

It's really been bugging me because

most of the other primarily audio

68

events that I enjoy are things like.

69

Music, music that you listen to

through audio mode via your ears.

70

Clare: Right.

71

Danno: So here's where

I'm going with this,

72

Clare.

73

you know, I'm a big fan of the

Beatles, Das Beatles, as they

74

were known in my homeland.

75

Clare: Oh, yes.

76

The band.

77

You're talking about the band.

78

Danno: Uh, no, I'm talking about Germany.

79

Clare: Oh, oh yeah.

80

Germany.

81

Danno: Yeah.

82

My homeland.

83

And, uh, the, the band, the

Beatles was so popular there and

84

I, I grew up listening to them

85

Clare: in the cave.

86

Did you go to the

87

Danno: Kav, Das Kav.

88

Clare: isn't that where they performed?

89

Danno: Uh, they would come over from

the Cavern and Liverpool and they

90

ins, they were such budding stars, you

know, they would insist on Dos Cave to

91

be

92

set up exactly the same way.

93

Clare: So thematic, like

beetles are in a cave.

94

I mean, I just think that's really genius.

95

Danno: they stuck with

that for the longest time.

96

even as they gained more and

more popularity as Beatlemania

97

set in, you know, Shea Stadium

was set up like a giant cave

98

Clare: Right.

99

I think they would have done better if

they'd let themselves just perform and,

100

Danno: say that like you know

something about show business, and

101

I'll tell you right now, Clare,

podcasting is not show business.

102

when they were in the cave on the Ed

103

had even thought to do something like

104

Clare: Well, because

you couldn't see them.

105

Danno: You couldn't see a thing, Clare.

106

The only thing you could see

was there were some of those

107

bioluminescent, animals stuck to the

108

Clare: Right.

109

Those bioluminescent snails

that were figured prominently in

110

the animated movie, Smallfoot.

111

That's just a little

piece of trivia that I

112

Danno: that, okay, yeah,

113

you're

114

Clare: fan of that Um, but Danno, so

this is bringing you around to The

115

Beatles were predominantly an audio event

because they they would only perform in

116

caves where people couldn't see them.

117

Danno: Yeah.

118

They were practically invisible.

119

So their audio just became superb, superb.

120

And that's what I want

for our podcast, Clare.

121

The thing about the Beatles

was, you know, not only did

122

they have the great, production.

123

of professional studios, but it

was really about those harmonies

124

between the performers.

125

And I feel

126

like that what we lack,

we don't lack it anymore.

127

That's all I wanted.

128

Clare: oh, our lack has been filled.

129

Danno: I want our lack, I want our

podcast to go out in beautiful harmony.

130

Clare: Well, that was a

simple request to fulfill.

131

Danno: Well, it's going to be harder

when we're doing the actual podcasting,

132

because there are so many more words.

133

We'll have to write up the

arrangements ahead of time.

134

Clare: I think maybe just the

cue will be to tell the guests

135

to say some words slowly.

136

And whenever they say a word slowly,

we just come in with a little bit

137

of, you know, doppelganger vibrato.

138

Danno: I cannot wait for our next podcast.

139

People are going to be so delighted.

140

Their ears will be tickled with delight.

141

Clare: Yeah, this is plus, you should put

a plus, on the, um, title with this one.

142

We'll put a plus on the,

episodes that have harmony.

143

like sometimes people will

put that word explicit

144

Danno: Right, instead of explicit,

we will include the word, harmonized.

145

Clare: Harmonized,

146

for

147

your pleasure.

148

Danno: Dan Harmon will love this so much.

149

Clare: This is going to be completely

harmonized, which means we'll probably

150

need to swear a little bit more too.

151

Danno: Right, right, right.

152

Clare: Swearing in harmony.

153

Oh shit.

154

Danno: harmony.

155

That was, uh, what do you call

it when two things are the same?

156

Clare: A homogenized.

157

Danno: Yeah, That was Dan

homogenized, not Dan harmonized.

158

Clare: right,

159

Danno: Pretty little Harmonize.

160

Clare: Pretty Little Harmonize.

161

Pretty

162

little

163

Danno: Harmon.

164

Pretty

165

Clare: Pretty Little Harmon.

166

Pretty

167

Danno: it's, Clare, the, the harmony is

beautiful, but the timing is terrible.

168

So, we're going to put star,

harmonized, not timonized.

169

Clare: timing it.

170

Well, Dan Harmon's timing is terrible.!

171

Danno: Pretty little Harmon.

172

Pretty little Harmon.

173

Pretty little harmonize.

174

Oh, it just became the Mecado

175

Clare: also became, Pizza

in the morning, pizza in the

176

evening, pizza at supper time.

177

You got pizza on a bagel,

you can have pizza anytime.

178

So you had one more item to be agended.

179

, Danno: I have such great news.

180

I'm so excited to share this with you.

181

you know the Hotel Splendide

down on Pavement Avenue?

182

Clare: Oh yeah, that place is sweet.

183

Danno: Well, it's been out of business for

the last 45 years, but back in the heyday

184

of the big bands, you know, it was a

sweet swinging place, just like you said.

185

Uh, you seem to know it intimately.

186

Did you go back in the heyday?

187

Clare: My family had a, a standing suite

188

Danno: Was it the Sera family that had

the haystand there during the heyday?

189

Clare: Yes, exactly.

190

Yeah.

191

Danno: Hey,

192

We used to buy hay, straw, flax there.

193

I did not know we had

that childhood connection.

194

How

195

Clare: Wow, you, you used

to buy hay from my family?

196

Danno: Yeah, that was

the, surely the heyday

197

Clare: I used to make hay.

198

Danno: When?

199

Clare: That whenever the sun shone.

200

Danno: because of a pact with an

Indian tribe, there is a Tax discount

201

available to anyone who can use that

building for, cultural purposes.

202

And I thought, what is more

cultural than a podcast that

203

goes out to the entire culture?

204

That's us, Clare.

205

I had a meeting last week with,

cultural attache for the Hotel

206

Splendide, Terry Olsen Stottier.

207

Clare: Terry Olsen's daughter.

208

She's very powerful.

209

Danno: Yes.

210

And, uh, I, I'm a little

nervous about even telling you

211

Clare: Oh my gosh,

Danno, what's happening?

212

Danno: we have permission to

podcast from the sky dome at the

213

top of the Hotel Splendide, three

stories above the ground, Clare.

214

Clare: We're taking the

podcast to new heights?

215

Danno: I know we're in a five story

apartment building, but to actually

216

go to the top of one of those mid

level high rises from the mid century.

217

and, it's free.

218

There's no extra

219

Clare: That's amazing.

220

So we passed the culture test.

221

I'm, I'm

222

Danno: Uh, they have not heard, they've

not heard any of our podcasts yet.

223

Clare: Dan, oh, this is really exciting

224

news.

225

Uh, I'm a hundred percent for it.

226

First of all, I love culture.

227

Second of all, I love heights,

although I am terrified.

228

I mean, literally terrified

of, you know, heights.

229

Danno: a simple solution for you.

230

We'll put your expanding telephone

chair in the basement so that even

231

when it reaches to its maximum

height, you'll only be up to the

232

level where we're actually podcasting.

233

Clare: Okay.

234

Well, Danno, you know, do we need

to think about what kind of topics?

235

I mean, because we need to be thinking,

reaching a worldwide audience.

236

Danno: Uh, yeah, now our, uh, our

reach actually decreases, when

237

we move into the Hotel Splendide.

238

Yeah, uh, they don't have,

uh, internet access, so

239

it,

240

Clare: so it's, it's a live show.

241

Danno: you and me, you know.

242

I'd be able to hear you, you'd be

able to hear me, and if we have anyone

243

else squeezed into the Sky Dome with

us, uh, you know, uh, We might have

244

Emily Horhound in for the squeezing.

245

Clare: Oh my, of course you're going to

have Emily Horehound in for the squeezing.

246

Danno, you know, I can't refuse to

show up to my own podcast, but I

247

just don't think that there's room

in a Sky Dome for the both of us.

248

Danno: you are talent, Clare.

249

She is nothing more than support.

250

And let me tell you, that

girl has got support.

251

Clare: Well, you know, look, I

don't want to think on any of the

252

negatives right now, cause this

253

is great news.

254

Danno: So there's so many pluses.

255

you know, there's the

roller rink in the basement.

256

So there's a lot of, leftover snack

foods that we would have access

257

to, uh, from mostly from the 1940s.

258

So these would be like rations,

, from the Navy during World War II.

259

Clare: oh, right, right, so those,

uh, MVPs, did they call them,

260

the little meal in a packet?

261

Danno: uh, inflatable dinghies also.

262

Clare: Oh, I love them, remember,

they used to open for the Beatles,

263

Danno: yeah, if we're lucky, we might

be able to get the inflatable dinghies

264

to play for us on one of our shows.

265

Clare: that would be magnificent.

266

This just gets more exciting, I wish, I,

you know, I mean, I'm already wishing, of

267

course, that people could hear this show,

268

Danno: well, Clare, I

just had a brilliant idea.

269

The building is so old that built into

the walls, they still have those, brass

270

metal speaking tubes so that you could,

you know, beckon a servant from the

271

Upstairs from, you just speak into the

speaking tube and the sound goes out.

272

It is like a precursor of

all this high tech technology

273

we're using for podcasting.

274

We could have audience members from around

the world stationed in each of the rooms

275

of the building at the Hotel Splendide.

276

Uh, so our broadcast would

go out over speaking tube

277

Clare: over speaking tube.

278

Danno: into each room.

279

The only thing is we'd have to

start each podcast by saying, Ahoy!

280

Clare: wow.

281

This is, it's, it's a little

bit complicated, but I'm,

282

I'm, I still, I like it.

283

I like expanding our,

284

Danno: great, so I'm asking you, what

should I tell Terry Olson's dot tier?

285

Clare: Well, I mean, absolutely say yes.

286

We can always cancel on the day.

287

Danno: Oh, perfect, yeah, um, you want

to just list out a couple of quick

288

excuses in case we need to cancel?

289

Thank you.

290

Clare: Oh, that's a great idea.

291

Yeah.

292

So absolutely.

293

We are all in.

294

We cannot wait to be there and do this.

295

and then on the morning of,

um, I, uh, I have come down

296

with a huge Allergy to brass,

297

Danno: Allergy to brass.

298

perfect.

299

Uh, like this, the speaking tubes,

you would not be able to speak into

300

them without your lips inflating.

301

Yeah, that's great.

302

Uh, so my excuse would just

be, um, I'm out of town.

303

I'm out of town.

304

Clare: It seems, uh, it seems a little,

uh, unprofessional to have forgotten

305

that you have the gig and just landed.

306

Or, oh, you're stuck out

of town, uh, some kind of

307

national emergency, a national

snowstorm on the island.

308

Danno: nat, national, on which Island?

309

Clare: Well, we're at the

island where you're vacationing.

310

Danno: No, no.

311

I was saying on which Island, because

that's how you would have a national

312

Clare: national snowstorm on which

island coming this week on expertise,

313

Danno: Oh,

314

can't wait.

315

Okay, Clare.

316

Well, this is all very exciting news.

317

Talk

318

Clare: Uh, it just all

makes so much sense, Danno.

319

Thank you for bringing us to new heights.

320

Danno: Ladies and gentlemen, podcast

listeners from around the globe.

321

Welcome to the expertise knowledge

podcast for people who like to get

322

their knowledge in podcast form.

323

We are podcasting live from the Sky

Dome at the top of the three story Hotel

324

Splendeed, just off Pavement Avenue.

325

my guest today is a dabbler in

the craft of witchery, and we're

326

going to talk to Clare Sera.

327

About the recent National

Snowstorm at Witch Island.

328

Welcome, welcome, one and all.

329

I'm Dan O'Sullivan, your host

on the Expertise Podcast.

330

My guest today, claims responsibility

for the recent national snow storm.

331

Claire.

332

Sarah, welcome to the show.

333

I'm

334

Clare: I'm so sorry.

335

Excuse me.

336

Danno: Emily, can we

get a, a glass of water

337

Clare: Well, it's really, it's

my, black veil on my hat keeps

338

getting caught in my throat

339

Danno: do not

340

Clare: I thought that the

SkyDome would be enclosed.

341

Danno: Oh, no, no.

342

It is open to the elements.

343

You know, that's how we first

experienced the national snowstorm.

344

for my listeners at home, self

proclaimed witch, Clare Sera is

345

here dressed very witch like,

covered in black from head to toe.

346

Clare, you noticed and, and

mentioned through the, uh,

347

speaking tube to our audience here

348

Clare: Ahoy.

349

Danno: the SkyDome is

open to the elements.

350

Since we've been here at the

SkyDome over the last five days,

351

we have experienced a panoply of.

352

Weather, the variety, the likes of

which we've never experienced anywhere

353

indoors, certainly, and rarely outdoors.

354

interest do the witches have

in controlling the weather?

355

Clare: Danno, which is such as myself.

356

And I would prefer from this point

on, if you do not add the moniker self

357

proclaimed to my title, um, Witches

such as myself do not, take any,

358

pleasure in controlling the weather.

359

We work with the weather.

360

We ask what the weather

wants and we guide its flow.

361

Danno: that's very, very beautiful.

362

I think of witches, pardon the

stereotype, as, um, self proclaimed evil,

363

Clare: See, I just, I just want

to point out that the, uh, you do

364

not need to add self proclaimed.

365

Danno: no, no, I understand.

366

You asked me not to refer to you as a

self proclaimed witch, and I absolutely

367

Clare: you.

368

Yes.

369

Danno: uh, are you born a witch or

do you choose to become a witch?

370

Is it like being Amish where you

have the opportunity to make up

371

your own mind or is

372

Clare: That's a very insightful question.

373

And I love this question

because witches aren't born.

374

They're made much like

an Amish barn is raised.

375

Danno: Yeah.

376

Much like a podcaster, you know,

Ira Glass was not born podcasting.

377

Clare: Well, no, I mean,

literally we're not born.

378

We are made and raised like an Amish barn.

379

Danno: Ooh, the unborn.

380

Let's think of a better term

for you than the unborn.

381

That's not, that sounds evil.

382

And I know you're trying to overcome that.

383

How about, um, the raised?

384

Clare: The Raised, yes, yes, absolutely.

385

We are The Raised as I am today in

this Sky Dome here at Hotel Splendid.

386

is that a raindrop?

387

Did I just feel a little bit

of, is that a little bit of rain

388

Danno: find it ironic that you're

acting surprised at something

389

happening in the weather.

390

Um, so, you were raised

391

a witch.

392

As a small witch, was that a, uh,

enjoyable experience for you, or did you

393

Clare: Oh, absolutely enjoyable.

394

No, no, I was raised by the sea.

395

And so for the first years of

396

my life, I was a sandwich

and I enjoyed that

397

Danno: Uh, Danno, Danno, this is Emily

Horehound chiming in you asked me to just

398

cut in whenever there was a pun that would

not be able to be broadcast, so I just

399

wanted to let you know that, your guest,

uh, seems to have uttered a pun that

400

we simply just will not be able to use.

401

So you were raised by the sea?

402

Clare: yeah, by the sea.

403

and

404

things would go awry, much like,

pastrami between two slices,

405

Danno: Uh, excuse me, Danno, it's

Emily again, just, uh, I wanted to

406

compliment you on how that sweater

brings out the sea foam color of your

407

eyes and just let you know that there

was another pun that was, uh, uttered

408

and perhaps maybe needs to be excised.

409

Clare: now, I mean, this is what led

to us being used by the National Guard,

410

Danno: yes,

411

this was a very surprising connection

that, the buttoned up tight uniformed

412

National Guard would bring in these

self proclaimed witches to, uh,

413

well, you tell us what happened.

414

I know that the, uh, inflatable

dinghies had been performing,

415

, at one of those USO shows.

416

Clare: well, we were on one

of the off islands, of course,

417

that, really belong to no nation,

418

Danno: And could we just interject and

explain off islands to our listening

419

public, this is something that only

the United States does right with

420

the off islands.

421

Clare: yes, they, they provide

their National Guard, for

422

services for the off islands,

423

Danno: and then for the on islands.

424

Clare: on this particular

off island, my sisters and I

425

had, established a community.

426

Danno: so, had you and your self

proclaimed witch sisters, oops, sorry,

427

had you and your witchin sisters,

uh, set up under the auspices of

428

the National Guard, or was there

a clash between the two groups?

429

Clare: we weren't, we

are, an autonomous body.

430

of which in women,

431

Danno: You witching folk, you

witching ladies, you witching women.

432

Witching woman harmonized with me,

Clare, you got away in the sky.

433

Clare: Does harmony mean

that we sing the same notes?

434

Danno: that's called Dan Harmonizing.

435

Clare: So Dann harmonizing

is like a one note

436

Danno: Yeah.

437

Yeah.

438

Like Dan, you know, it's

just one note, one word,

439

one syllable.

440

And thank you for playing along.

441

You know, that's something we're

trying with all our guests on

442

the

443

Clare: I see.

444

Hmm.

445

Yes.

446

Danno: for a minute.

447

Clare: So, uh, we had created our, a cove

448

Danno: a coven in a cove?

449

Clare: yes, we were the cove coven,

450

Danno: So there was a, cove on

the island and you created a

451

coven in the cove?

452

Clare: we were a coven

that, lived in the cove.

453

And of course, because of the

elements of the wind and the rain,

454

Danno: You must've needed

to stay warm, maybe with an

455

oven.

456

Clare: did have an oven, the

coven has an oven in the cove,

457

Danno: Got it.

458

Yeah.

459

So all these men are coming over,

bringing crowds to your island.

460

That must have been a mess for you

all, where you'd been so accustomed to

461

living in harmony with nature and peace.

462

How did you adapt to that situation?

463

Clare: Well, we didn't adapt, I

attempted to do the most peaceful yet,

464

pushy, uh, approach possible with these

men and I gave them the cold shoulder.

465

Danno: Now I'm guessing that when a

witch gives someone the cold shoulder,

466

that is not a figure of speech.

467

Clare: No.

468

Danno: So this was the

shoulder away from the oven,

469

Clare: Yes.

470

And so when I gave the cold

shoulder, well, my sisters

471

naturally felt it and joined me.

472

So now

473

there was a circle of cold children.

474

Danno: a shoulder in plural.

475

I forget that, that you self

proclaimed witches have to

476

pluralize using Old English tenses.

477

Clare: yes.

478

Danno: so this Arctic wave is emanating

from the children of the Wiccan women.

479

W O M Y N.

480

W

481

O

482

Clare: That's, thank you.

483

W O M Y N.

484

I'll say it again.

485

Danno: Wa min.

486

Beautiful.

487

Thanks again for, uh, participating

in the harmony experiment.

488

Clare: So there we were,

it, it had happened,

489

And I wouldn't even, I mean, I feel

like you're hyping this up to create

490

some kind of good versus evil.

491

We were just reacting in the moment.

492

we offered the cold shoulder as a

peaceful, we don't want you here.

493

We do not want your overt

494

Danno: And yet it was that gathering

of the coldness that spawned, the

495

only worldwide snowstorm that has ever

existed in the history of the globe.

496

Clare: And that's what sent the

National Guard you know, nobody's

497

even sure to this day what happened.

498

The snowstorm was so heavy, so quickly.

499

And it just, it was just

a world of White Danno.

500

Now you've got National Guards

arriving on all sides of this island,

501

Danno: But One of the members of the

Inflatable Dinghies, all of whom were

502

enrolled in the military, perceived

that the witches had given up the

503

land and had moved toward the cove.

504

It was lead guitarist, John Davidson,

with an American flag and planted it

505

right in the center of your coven's

home base, and proclaimed that land

506

for the United States of America.

507

And I for one, Clare, say God

bless Lieutenant Davidson.

508

God bless that rockin guitar soloist.

509

Clare: But, Danno, you can't just

come to an island where people have

510

already taken ownership and plant

a flag and now say it's yours.

511

That's just not how

512

Danno: Clare, you say that, but

if I can just unfold this Rand

513

McNally Atlas of the world.

514

This is the newest edition

as of, uh, last week.

515

Clare: Right.

516

Danno: All right, so let's zoom in.

517

Clare: you're

518

Emily, could you the paper.

519

Danno: Clare, if I look here, I see

which island with the United States flag.

520

So you say they can't

do it, but they did it.

521

Yeah, but Danno, see, here's the thing.

522

So now they're claiming which island, our

own off island, that we had previously

523

claimed as theirs, and they tax us, you

know, which is, like, what, what, what

524

are, we're not bringing in any money.

525

We live off of coconuts and dead souls

I mean, do they provide any services?

526

No.

527

They take our money, but they

provide no services, so how are

528

we part of the United States?

529

We don't even get to vote.

530

That's the American way, Clare.

531

Clare: Oh, I guess we are part of America.