108 Unobvious Struggles And Asking For Help with Bev Holden | How to improve your confidence

In this episode, Ricky Locke interviews Bev Holden, co-founder of the Clear Thinking Partnership. They discuss the unobvious things that Bev struggles with, focusing on confidence and asking for help. Bev challenges the concept of confidence, stating that it is not a real thing and that she doesn't believe she needs it to accomplish tasks. She also shares her difficulty in asking for help in certain situations, often due to a fear of judgment or a desire to maintain a certain perception. The conversation highlights the importance of questioning societal conditioning and living in the present moment.

Takeaways

• Confidence is not a prerequisite for success; it is a concept that can be challenged and redefined.
• Asking for help is not a sign of weakness; it is an opportunity for growth and connection.
• We create our own conditions and constraints in life, but we also have the power to question and change them.
• Living in the present moment allows us to let go of past and future worries and focus on what truly matters.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to episode

01:00 Background

02:40 The Unobvious Thing: Confidence

05:21 Struggling to Ask for Help

10:57 Takeaways and Conclusion

Find out more about Bev & Kate at Clear Thinking at https://www.clearthinkinguk.com/

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Transcript

Ricky Locke (00:00.61)

Hello and welcome to another episode of the mini series of the Unlocked Conversation Cards with the diary of a CEO Cards, where I interview a guest and ask them a question. I'll have a deep dive and connection with them today. I've got a very special friend. I've mentioned this wonderful lady on the podcast many, many times, but welcome again. I think second, third time, maybe. I'm not sure, but welcome to the show. Bev Holden, how are you?

Bev (00:24.283)

Thank you very much. I'm really good, thank you. Thank you for having me. Again.

Ricky Locke (00:27.37)

Oh, good to see you again. And I feel like we have many conversations like this. It feels like just like a normal office meeting. Bev, tell the listeners if they haven't heard of you, who are you and what do you do?

Bev (00:39.071)

Yeah, so I am Bev Holden. I'm half of the Clear Thinking Partnership. We make people think by what we do, so we facilitate and we coach. And when I say we, it's me and my partner, Kate. And we've been doing what we do since 2007. And we are approaching our 17th birthday on Thursday. So, cards, candles, fanfares. Thank you very much.

Ricky Locke (01:02.658)

Happy birthday. Yeah. Happy birthday. Well, yeah. Have a wonderful time. Make sure I have some cake. Bev, as part of the series, the ideas I'm going to ask you a question. And for clarity, you have no idea. Well, this question is we've not prearranged anything before this.

Bev (01:07.587)

Thank you.

Bev (01:17.343)

No, is that like one of those tricks where you say, I don't know you, do you, and would you like to pick a card? Yeah, okay. But no, genuinely, and I've never seen the card, so this is a complete mystery.

Ricky Locke (01:20.53)

I'll pay you later. Yeah.

Ricky Locke (01:27.218)

There was a big smile on your face like, should I say yes or no? Okay. All right. Bev, here is your question. Are you ready? What is the unobvious thing that you struggle with?

Bev (01:30.155)

What?

Bev (01:33.728)

Yes.

Bev (01:40.071)

Oh my goodness, what is the un- Who asked that question?

Ricky Locke (01:44.35)

It was Max Lugavere. I couldn't tell you who that is though. Unfortunately, I'm not sure.

Bev (01:48.835)

What is the unobvious thing? Ah, okay. Okay, so the unobvious thing. So it is something that... So it's not a real thing because I don't actually believe it's a real thing, but it's a thing that people talk about quite often and it is confidence. So the reason I say it's not a real thing is I don't think I need confidence nor does anyone else to be able to do something. It's kind of a made up concept. But I noticed that...

people will say that they see me as being very confident in certain situations and that they are not. So they're fearful of certain situations that don't feel as though they could handle it, but they see me doing it. And their assumption is that I don't feel, we'll call it lacking in confidence or wobbly or unsure or anything. So I think probably that's the first thing that springs to mind because I wouldn't say

but I notice it sometimes. And it's one of those things that it's not a debilitating thing at all. And I don't acknowledge that it exists. And actually that's been a really good strategy for me. So, you know, when people say, and you probably come across this quite a lot in the work that you do, and people say, I'm nervous or I haven't got enough confidence to do that, particularly in presenting and speaking.

And I have never ever, apart from once, acknowledged that might be a thing for me. And so it's not become a thing, which I think is just, it's really interesting how our brains work around this stuff and how we turn the thing that we think into something that is real and we act as if it's true. So it's not so much a struggle thing, but it is just something that I notice and it catches me unawares. So I will be doing something that I'm really

ordinarily sure of and then I just have a sensation or a feeling and it would be very easy to misinterpret that feeling and think that it's a bad feeling but more often than not I get it right and I interpret the feeling well so it doesn't get in the way of me doing what I do. I'm just thinking if there's anything else that I ask me the question again.

Ricky Locke (04:08.234)

Yeah, sure. Yeah. What is the unobvious thing that you struggle with?

Bev (04:16.819)

Mmm. Gosh.

Ricky Locke (04:21.197)

It's a different one, that one, isn't it?

Bev (04:23.187)

It is a tough one. And so I also think it might be contextual. So there are situations I think where I maybe find it difficult to ask for help if I'm struggling with something. Interesting, the struggle word, that was in the question. But if I am finding something difficult, depending, there are some situations where I have almost a default reaction, where I go, ah.

this is a time to ask for help from other people who may know better or have more experience to share or who I can just rely on and lean on. And then there are some situations where I think, oh, probably people would expect me to be able to handle that and so I shouldn't ask. And it's that whole thing of maintaining a perception that people might have of you. But it's not true. And it's much easier to go through life, I think, without all those masks on.

but I don't always remember that. It's all very well thinking you know what the dream is, but living the dream is something different. So I think that might be something. So asking for help at the right, asking for help consistently and being interested in what the people see that I can't see in myself.

Ricky Locke (05:37.838)

Hmm

Ricky Locke (05:44.99)

Yeah, particularly what is it about asking for help that is the struggle?

Bev (05:55.159)

I think it is maintaining that perception, you know that judgment that we often do to ourselves where we think, oh I should know better, I should know this. It's not even necessarily that I think other people will think, because I'm a terrible mind reader, I think most of us are. So I can't possibly imagine what it is that somebody is going to be judging me on. But it's that I think that's the thing.

thought that creeps in and it's the, I should know better, I should know how to do this. And that is probably the thing that stops me from asking for help. But it is an interesting question because it's making me think about times when I've rushed into going, right, help me now, I'm stuck, I'm struggling, I don't know what to do. And people's response is always so helpful and so encouraging.

Ricky Locke (06:32.535)

Yeah.

Bev (06:50.955)

that there's never any need to say that you can't, to believe that you can't ask for help.

Ricky Locke (06:56.654)

Does that come to a surprise then, when people are so eager to help you? It's like, well, why was I worrying about this, asking for help when people are so actively wanting to help?

Bev (07:07.792)

Yeah, I still think it's conditional though. It's conditional on me not judging myself first. But it's a lovely surprise and I think it's something that I know is true because people, humans like being asked to help other humans. I think we're wired generally to be helpful. And also I think...

It's great to feel that you can be somebody else's superhero. There was that bit of research, wasn't there, about people who do good deeds for others, get that real superhero sense in themselves. So it's not just we're totally generous and giving, we actually get something in return from that, apparently, self-affect. Yeah, it makes us feel good. And I think it's about human connection and...

Ricky Locke (07:47.102)

Yeah, it makes us feel good.

Bev (07:54.667)

And vulnerability, it takes us down that path of thinking about being vulnerable and how that endears us to other people because then you're a lot more accessible and people don't feel as though you're quite so unattainable.

Ricky Locke (08:09.234)

Yeah, totally. Yeah. There's a whole thing, isn't it? And I totally get that what you said about conditioning society, the way we're brought up, suck it up, Ricky, you know, or those sort of things. It is challenging, isn't it? Especially if you're in a very low point as well, where you might not have the courage to ask for help, because it's difficult situation that you're in. And that's, that can be a huge struggle. Yeah.

Bev (08:34.911)

Yeah, and if you're carrying around a judgment where you think it's weak to ask for help. So, so I think that probably is a thing that people, because I think I do talk to people quite often about just, you know, who around you could help you, you know, ask those people for help, who have you got in your network, who are the people at your table who support you. And yet, as with many of us, or even just speaking for myself, it's not always easy to take your own medicine.

Ricky Locke (08:39.135)

Yeah.

Ricky Locke (09:04.865)

Yeah.

Bev (09:05.571)

That's actually why I love doing the work that we do because often the stuff that we say and the stuff that we think when we're supporting someone else is often really good advice for ourselves and we're surrounded by that all the time so we have lots of opportunity to challenge our own assumptions don't we and to think of things differently.

Ricky Locke (09:15.893)

Yeah.

Ricky Locke (09:21.302)

Definitely. Well, this is exactly why like I love doing the podcast because talking to people like yourself, guests that come on, you're also I'm telling my own subconscious as well. Oh, yeah, God, yeah, I should go to that, shouldn't I? Yeah. Well, I love that, but thank you for sharing that. So a final question, then. So thanks for sharing your wonderful things there. And a question that you might know this language. But for the listeners listening, obviously, from taking this experience and maybe resonating with that, in a confidence, out of confidence balance and

Bev (09:32.247)

You

Yeah.

Ricky Locke (09:50.306)

the struggling to ask for help. But what would you want our listeners to think and feel from this experience?

Bev (09:57.951)

Oh gosh, I think that actually the big thing, and it's one big thing, oh no, there might be two things, there always is, isn't there with me? The first one is there is no requirement, there is no requirement on any of us to do anything other than just live a life. And the only rules that exist are rules that have been made up by us or for us. And that's to your point about conditioning.

Ricky Locke (10:06.754)

Hehehehe

Bev (10:23.887)

And we create our own conditions and other people create conditions for us. And that's how we sometimes accidentally live. And I think conversations like this help us to sort of jolt us out of that sleep walk and to start to think, Oh, actually, do I, are they the conditions that I want to have in place? Cause what if there weren't any, and people talk about living a life that's free and being complete freedom. And of course, immediately you think, yeah, but there's loads of constraints. Cause.

you know, we run a business, I have to earn money, and the kids have to go to school, and then there's university, and blah, and responsibilities, and this, that, and the other. But they're all conditions that we've created for ourselves. So there is no requirement on any of us, and that's really freeing. And whilst I think that's true, I don't always remember that in the moment. And the other thing is that whilst we're imagining all of these moments where we might not feel confident, or we can't ask for help, or whatever our particular struggle is, the only thing that really exists is...

reality, it's the moment that I'm in right now and that you're in right now. So nothing else exists. And what we have a habit of doing is piling in loads of things from the past and the future and our imagined anticipated future and our remembered past. And thinking that that's all real somehow. And none of it is, it's not happening. It happened or it's going to happen, but it's not happening now. And I think that gives me the opportunity to be really clear in the moment more often than not.

Ricky Locke (11:50.378)

Love that. Beautiful. That is very profound. I love that. And then so simple and so true as well. It is, isn't it? It's absolute that we are. Putting our own constructs in our lives because we get to choose, don't we, at the end of the day? But so many people out there hurt and struggling because of the barriers and constructs we're putting in our life are very profound. Thank you, Beth.

Bev (11:51.711)

Not always.

Ricky Locke (12:16.162)

Thank you for coming on to the mini series of the conversation cars. I hope you enjoyed it. Thank you.

Bev (12:20.515)

I did. Thank you so much for having me. Thanks, Wiki.

Ricky Locke (12:22.318)

Thank you.