Does feeling disappointed and let down by others sound familiar to you?

You've probably been told to just let go of expectations, but the pain of unmet expectations is real and can leave you feeling frustrated and hurt. Let's dive deeper into why this ineffective advice isn't bringing you the results you need. Get ready to uncover the real reasons behind the pain of expectations and discover effective ways to find joy in daily moments. It's time to change the game and find true fulfillment.

Are you ready to explore a fresh perspective on overcoming expectations?

In this episode, you will be able to:

Embracing the beauty of present moments in relationships.

Cultivating personal growth by releasing the need for control.

Mastering effective communication for successful business partnerships.

Unveiling the impact of expectations on personal happiness.

Gaining wisdom from life's expectations and outcomes.

Mentioned in this episode:

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Hi. If you're hearing this right now, there is a reason for it. It is our intention that this episode help you with your personal growth and development and helping you find more joy on a daily basis. Welcome to the five year you podcast, a show dedicated to helping you become the best version of yourself one day at a time. I'm Andrew.

And I'm Cat. And we promise to keep it raw, real and relatable.

Are you ready to grow? This podcast is intended to entertain, educate, and inspire you on a personal journey towards your best self. We are in no position to give advice and are hot messes on the best of our days. Clearly, we're in no position to offer health or medical advice or really any life advice, but we want to entertain you. Just a reminder, this is not a replacement for proper medical care or therapy. If you are struggling, please, please seek help from a qualified health professional. Let's jump in. Welcome to the show. Today's episode is all about that big relationship destroyer expectations. I know I have struggled with this my whole life, and I'm not just talking about personal, intimate relationships. I'm talking business relationship, personal family. Expectations destroy everything, in my opinion. That's been my experience. How about you, Cat? What do you feel? How has it been for you?

I definitely feel like this is one of those lessons that I have to keep learning over and over and over and over again. And it's like, I know better and I know I shouldn't set expectations on people. And sometimes we even joke about it. We're like, gosh, why can't everyone behave and do exactly as we want them to? Like, wouldn't the world go better if they just let me be in charge? But we always just got to feel that way, right? And I'm being facetious, but there are a lot of people in moving parts in all of our lives. There are parents, children, spouses or significant others and friends and grandmas and, you know, just co workers. And there's so many different personalities and experiences at play, and we really have no control over what anyone does but us.

Right? So just to jot back for a second, you don't want people to, or you do want people to reach out and just go with an email saying, control my life, please, and we can move forward. Yeah, I know. It's the same thing for me. It's expectations hurt us kind of coming and going, right? The second I put an expectation on someone else, I'm disappointed it's happening because they're not going to live up to my expectations because I haven't communicated them, first of all. More importantly, it's not their job. I wish the world kind of was like, well, you know, everybody, let's just be happy. But easier said than done. And having that expectation on someone else or the famous, just let it go, it'll be fine. Doesn't always work the way we think it's going to. In fact, usually it's a backhanded slap across the face that usually when you do that.

Let's give some examples before we get too deep into expectations, because people might have expectations on friends, family, loved ones, and not even realize that they're doing it. Why don't you start? And then let's both give some examples, like little and big.

Okay, so a little expectation is. And this is like, just a pet peeve of mine that I work on every day is timeliness.

Oh, God, me too.

You tell me you're gonna be here at 430 and it's 435. Those five minutes you have been torn apart in my head. And. And to a certain extent, I have torn myself apart because it hurts me and it's hurting my relationship with them. Cause I'll be like, oh, I can't believe they're not here. And I know they said they were gonna do this, and I'm expecting them.

Yeah. So disrespectful.

Yeah. It's like my time is just as valuable as anybody else's and all this stuff. And then you're like. Cause five minutes is a long time in my brain. Then it turns out to be this, okay, well, maybe they don't like me. Maybe I'm not worthy enough for them to be on time with. I've seen them be on time with somebody, and, you know, this whole fake narrative comes into my brain that doesn't matter to me. That's kind of a real common expectation. And the reality is, even if that person doesn't show up, I mean, it sucks on this human level, but on an internal level, which is where we're all living with this stuff, it doesn't actually matter if you have that kind of belief in life, like it's this or something better, and you start looking for the positive will be better. But that expectation. Oh, that. That one cuts. Like, I'm like, I tensed up when I said that. I'm like, I hate when. But I do it too. Sometimes not. I'm never on purpose, but, you know, it happens.

Yeah, I think that's a good example. And we both like to be on time places. And so I feel you on that. And I think the consequence of having expectations is what you just described, and it's disappointment. So I'm really trying to impart this to my kids. So yesterday, my daughter, who has always had super duper long hair her whole life, got six inches cut off, and she felt like a star. Like, she was like, oh, my gosh, I look so much older. And, like, she was loving it and feeling it. And then this morning, she got a little self conscious. She's like, I hope my friends like my hair cut at school today. And I said, well, I can definitely see how you would want your friends to share in that excitement, but I just want to remind you, if we go into a situation expecting a certain response, you might be disappointed. So what I really want you to focus on is the feeling that you had as soon as your hair got cut and you looked in the mirror for the first time. You got this big thousand watts smile. I want you to focus on that feeling, and maybe some people will notice and maybe some people won't. But either way, as long as you're happy with it, that's what matters. And how often do we get that as adults? Like, I expect someone to have great. For this meal I made. I expect this for this major holiday or for Valentine's Day, and you get your hopes up for all these different things. Or, I expect this to happen on this first date or whatever it is, I expect my friends to call me on my birthday. Anytime you have these expectations that you place outside of yourself, you set yourself up for some disappointment, right?

And that disappointment is. It's terrible. It's so funny because you said that. I'm like, my daughter got six inches, cut off her hair yesterday. And I'm like, wow, talk about a coincidence. Which we're realizing no such thing as just divine stuff. A thought came in about expectations and what it is, and it's trying to control an outcome because you feel better with it. I haven't made that connection until just now. It's wanting to be assured that however things turn out, they turn out for the right way for you and in the way that makes you feel safe. You know, just listening to your daughter with the hair thing, it's like as soon as you try to control something, it seems to go the opposite way you want it to. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm that one in 8 billion people that this has happened to. I'm really hoping not, because that's a. That's an interesting thing. But do you find that when you have that expectation of control, that you're trying to control the outcome, that it rarely happens the way you want. Whereas if you just focus on, like, and I'll use our daughters as the example, because I've read about this in books, too, where it's like you wear a certain thing, you're like, oh, everybody's going to notice me. And they're all going to say, nice shirt, and nothing happens. And then you go to same thing, different day, in the same place, same people. Yeah, you have this, like, I just feel good. And people go, wow, that's a really nice shirt. And you're like, dude, I've been wearing this for six months almost every day. For somebody to notice, I've been feeling like junk. I've been expecting this. This hasn't happened. I let go on the other side and I'm like, yeah. And now people start noticing, like, I've noticed that for myself. Again, it's a funny little example, but you can apply it to a lot of things.

Yeah, I think that there are a lot of different personality types out there, but for, for me, this is definitely something I've needed to work on. I have a long history of trying to control outcomes. I'm a very long term planner, and life just continuously surprises me and reminds me that I don't have any control at all. It's complete mystery. And someone might even argue, they might be listening to that. But you have to set high expectations for your kids so they rise to meet them, all of these different things, and it's like we can't control the outcome of that either.

No.

Like, we can be as good a parents as we want, and we can teach them right from wrong, and they can know what we hope for them, what we expect them to behave, we expect them to, whatever it is, do their schoolwork, be good people, but ultimately the outcome is not up to us.

No, I think we can all get that little bit of comfort of feeling that someone's self control in trying to plan things. I know, I do it, too. So what would you say is an expectation? We've had a good expectation there with, you know, personal ones. What about an expectation that you might have in a different capacity, say, with a non shirt or hair related situation, like another family thing or business relationship, personal relationship, friendships, whatever. Do you have an example that you can think of?

Sure. I mean, I definitely hear of women getting upset when maybe friends don't text them back as fast as they would like and things like that. Or maybe one friend is very, very giving and is always like dropping off little things or offering to help and then maybe the other one doesn't invite them over ever or something. And I think that with friendships we can block our expectations. You taught me this, are a happiness blocker and they cause you to, like, measure things, right? And it's like I'm going to attach this grade to this friendship in my mind. And if they do all of these things, if they write me back, if they remember my kids birthdays, if they do this, then they have met my expectations and they are a great friend. But people are flawed and imperfect, right? So what if we could just let go of the expectation and just enjoy people as they are, show up when they need us, regardless of whatever list we're keeping of their wrongdoings? I think that's a much healthier, happier way to go about it. And here's the kicker. I'm going to suggest something shocking. Maybe verbally tell somebody things that are upsetting you about the relationship.

Jaw dropper.

Not in a confrontational way, but like, let's share our feelings of things and share, hey, that disappointed me. Instead of letting them stew or people not meeting what you were hoping for, getting you upset. Whatever it is.

Yeah. Talking about it. Wow. Who thought, who would have thought? It's so funny that you say that because it's easier to expect than it is to address most of the time.

But yes, people hate confrontation, right? Even if it's polite confrontation or just. They just hate bringing up stuff that could cause tension. So all the tension stays inside of yourself, right?

I always like to kind of think of weeds in a garden when I think of the things that aren't good. For me, expectation, is it like a giant weed? You know, it's hard to pull that weed out, but it's way harder to live with it because you're not just living like we said, you're not living with just the expectation, it's the disappointment. Trying to control a situation you have no control over. You can study with your kid as much as possible to get them to and have the expectation that they should have a good grade, but if they just don't get it, you have no control over that, and that's okay. But the more you try to hold on to things, the more you try to control the outcome, the harder it is for good things to happen. And I know this isn't so much expectation, but it's all connected.

Oh, for sure.

I really like that, what you're saying. I think the text thing is a really big one, too. For a lot of people I know, like, now it's like, for kids, it's like leaving things unopened on whatever app they're doing. I try not to get my head into it, and it's like there's this whole expectation. Like, I sent this and they didn't respond. It's like you're wasting your life waiting for somebody to respond. Go out and enjoy your life.

Go out and live it. Yeah.

Another expectation that happens. And you and I have talked about this at different times, but we have business expectations that you're better at not having expectations.

What are your expectations of me? What are you trying to say, Andrew? Let's turn it off.

No, no. Okay. I don't have expectations now. Now, we've worked for half a decade together or more. Now I understand how you work. You understand how I work. But in the beginning, I wasn't used to working in a team, and I didn't understand why everybody else just didn't power through the way I do. Yeah, exactly. But it's. We've. We've learned so much, like, about human design, about, like, all this kind of energy stuff that we're not aware of and whether you believe in any of, like, the human design stuff or chakras and all the metaphysical stuff that I personally did not believe when we met. And now I'm just, like, wide open to all this stuff, and it's fantastic. But when you realize that, okay, not everyone is like me, that's a really good thing, because God help it if there's a second of me walking around this planet. And I mean, like, from the inside, from the outside, everything looks, always looks. You know, it looks not bad. And what I realized was that we are all different, and to embrace people's uniqueness and that whenever there is something bothering me, whether it's expectations, whether it's delays, whether it's getting to sleep on a bench in an airport, because you're. There's a blizzard, which I have already done this year.

Yeah.

When that happens, it's looking for the lesson. And if you find something's going on again and again and again and again in your life, like, people are always late for you, there's an underlying issue there that you're not addressing, and maybe it's you don't feel validated. And the energy you put out is that I'm not worthy of being on time. But these expectations you have, there's reasons for it. It didn't just come out of nowhere. There's a reason why we expect our kids to be good at school, but we're not necessarily overly concerned if they're super awesome at chess or, you know, coloring in the lines. And it's because we grew up probably with expectations, or we put those expectations on ourselves, and then we've where we're laying them, which is like other countries, I'm sure they don't have those expectations. It's different societal expectations. And so it's just kind of being aware of that. Like you're getting lessons screamed at you left and right. It's whether you learn them is the big thing.

I think that's a good point. And I kind of want to go back a little bit to what you were talking about with our working together for so long, because I think our goal with each episode is to give people a takeaway. And I. I think, think what you said is actually really great advice. First of all, I want to color in the lines a little bit because if someone is new to our podcast, they don't know a lot about us. And most people only see our output. They don't actually see how we work together or the work that goes into it. So I wanted to color this in a little bit that Andrew is a machine. He is like, top 1% of 1% work ethic. And I am a normal person with a pretty good work ethic and so better than most, but he is exceptional. And so when we started working together, we have very complimentary skill sets, but Andrew can just go like an energizer bunny on his, like, 10th marathon. But what was great is that over time, we talked about this. We talked about our different working styles because we truly enjoy working together. Obviously, being that we're in a giving a self improvement podcast episode, and we have created a personal development podcast and business. We like to nerd out. We like to say, like, why? Why are you feeling this way? Or why did the work feel uneven this. This quarter? And we talk about it and we learn about each other, and then we notice the good things that each one of us brings to the table. So again, you didn't leave that expectation inside of yourself and just get super resentful. We wouldn't have lasted as long as we have as partners if you had done that. But then we realized things like, Andrew works super hard and goes really fast, and Cat comes in and edits and makes it all, like, catches all the things.

Yeah. I am not the detail person in this dynamic. My mantra the whole time has always been go. I go fast. I'll get it done. It's not going to be a plus work, and you're more that a plus person. And that's great because otherwise we'd be cranking out stuff left and right, but it would be trash. And it's really, what's the. What's the point is one of the things you've got me to see is, you know, because we've had projects where we're like, this is the plus, which.

Killed me for years, but I had to, had to learn how to put out b work, because if we left it all up to me, a plus perfectionist, we would never publish anything or do anything right.

And in my mind, it was hard because I'm realizing, like, I do have a lot of perfectionist qualities that I am shedding left and right through theta healing and other modalities. But the thing that I really found with our working dynamic is you were and are so professional, so good, and I'm kind of like, that's the blog. We can just delete. If we don't like it, we'll delete. And you're like, no, it's literally out there forever. Even if you delete it the next day, it's still out there. I'm like, yeah, it's fine. And you're like, no, no. We have to come at things with this different approach than I'm used to. And I'm really grateful for that because without it, I don't grow. But I will say this. As far as our dynamic goes, we've only had one business argument. I wouldn't even classify it as a fight. And we both know what that is. And it was silly, but the gist of it was, do you guys use the word gist in the States? Or is that like a canadian thing?

No, that's just a word.

That's just a word. Okay, good. Just wondering. I never know anymore now. But the thing that I look back on that conversation, and a, I'm very grateful for it, as awkward as it was for me. But b, the more important thing of it was I wasn't communicating to you at all. My expectations, like, zero. I was just, you know, I do this and then you go do that. And when you give me something, I do it right away because that's how I am. And I didn't acknowledge that in the moment that you have, you know, other things that need to be done or whatever. And, you know, I would like to hope I'm a lot better at that. Now only you can be the judge. But I do feel that in our approach to things, it's evolved. I'm very, very grateful that we can see each other in this new light, that we see each other where we know that you're kind of the ideation person. You come up with great ideas, you're a great motivator. And I am happy to go like the Energizer bunny on a project. Yeah. But I'm happy the thing that makes, and I don't know if I've ever truly communicated this to you, so I will now. But I'm really grateful for the fact that, you know, like, yesterday I wrote a medium article in half an hour and published it. And you so graciously, you take a look at it and you're like, it looks great. Just in case you are, because I see you've literally already posted. Like, it literally went at 02:00. 02:00 I wrote it. 230 it was done and published. And you're like, there's a few, which I know when you say this now, it's like they're all run on sentences. You have lacked punctuation and this and that. This is what you can do to, you go do this, go do that, go do this. And I'm like, oh, thank God for you. Because if I had to go back and do it in while I'm doing it, then it gets me out of my creative flow, which I hate. And if I don't mind editing and stuff like that. But the grammar is not my goodest thing. So I be not the superb, cleaner est of writers.

And you're a wonderful writer because you write from the heart and you're writing as you spoke. And the thing about yesterday's medium post was you didn't. Sometimes you'll ask me to edit something, or will you look at this email or you look at this thing before I publish it to the world. But yesterday you just published something to the world. So I was like, well, how do I say this? Because I was like, you know, I could just leave it, and then, you know, I couldn't because my, I started to twitch and I was like, oh.

Man, I want you to take a look at it and, and edit it because you write in this kind of format. I write in, I was going to say in this medium, because it's a medium thing, but, yeah, that's exactly right. Yeah, it was a really bad pun that, you know, only you and I would truly appreciate anyway. But as we're doing, as I'm doing that stuff, I want you to come in and do that. Just like when you come in and you're like, I'm swamped with these things. I'm like, okay, well, I'll come up with a system, try to find something. I want to do that because I want it to work smoother for both of us. And I legitimately, I enjoy coming up with that stuff. So we don't know those things. When you start working together, it's just like, well, we get along pretty good. We have the same ideas about how to run a business and money and all that stuff, so it makes sense.

Similar philosophy. Yeah. And I think what we're modeling here and what we're showing people is that, like, how beneficial it is and how much it can improve your relationships. To talk about the things that you were expecting or talk about the things that, when you do feel let down and you tell that friend, hey, I don't know if you know this about me, but when people are late, when they meet me for lunch or brunch, it feels disrespectful to me. And, like, I know, you know, everybody's different and things like that, but it's just kind of a me thing, and it's starting to impact me, wanting to have lunch with you or whatever it is, like talking about the things that are bothering you when people are disappointing you.

Yeah. And I think in doing that, you are establishing a new level of your relationship with that person because you're willing to go beyond that surface level and kind of go like, look, I like you. I want to be friends with you. And, you know, when you're late, it's rude. And when you or you don't text, like, I know I've had friends in the past, too. Like, you talk about the texting back thing, and I always respond right away. And then I noticed some people weren't. So I'm like, well, I'm going to treat you how you treat me because. And it doesn't feel good. And I've stopped doing that. I've gone back to how it is. But, you know, suddenly they're asking, well, why didn't you? You know, you haven't got back. Like, I've had people text me and then call me 20 minutes later when they won't get back to me for a day. But, you know, like, so it's just if you're willing to be open and vulnerable with people, you will find your relationships flourish. I know that was definitely the case when we had our one talk that time about the publishing thing. And I think in that, you know, it was like, okay, I'm coming to you and saying something, you are coming to me. And we're communicating on a deeper level than we previously were. Kind of just. And it helps because then you can work with the person in the best way possible.

Right? I think people worry that they're going to lose the relationship. People are so afraid of tension or arguments that they avoid having these hard conversations because they don't want to experience that tension or that fight or whatever it is. But here's the thing. It's like, don't you want to have relationships in your life where you can go to someone with anything? Don't you want to have that relationship with your parents? Don't you want to have friends that where you can really put it all out on the table and have those talks? Respectfully, to me, that's the ideal. I would rather two or three relationships in my life like that. Over a hundred ones where we just talk about nothing and our surface level the whole time and don't say anything about the ups and downs in life and what are, what's bothering us.

Yeah, I agree too. I think with the second I gave when I meet people, cab driver or whatever, I just go in and I'm like, sorry, I'm incapable of small talk. So. And it goes one of two ways. Either I get a nice quiet cab ride or we go deep. And I like that. But the other thing that happens on an energy level is that when you bring that problem from inside of you and you voice it, there are so we don't have enough time today to all address all those things. But you're letting it out. You're making it known. You are healing yourself because you're not keeping anger and frustration, all these things locked inside of you. You're letting it out and valuing yourself. And that's part of that. You need to value yourself. Your time is worthy. You are a worthy person. And if you want that relationship to keep going, then you got to address it. And if it doesn't, if it's not a ten for you, or if it's like just, you know, it's a one out of ten, you just let it go or, you know, whatever. But I think the best thing you can do is evaluate your relationships and see what kind of expectations you're putting on. And the most important one is yourself. The expectations you are putting on everybody else, I can guarantee you're doing it to yourself ten times more. And that's being low level. It's likely a lot more than that, but you don't have to put those expectations on yourself. So we're getting near the end of the episode right now, and I don't want to do our glimmers and stuff, but your challenge for today, because we like to kind of leave you with something to test and try on, be aware of all the expectations you are living with and try to live without them for one day. And everybody turn down the voice, but it's not easy, but it's going to change your life. When you start realizing that the voice in your head isn't your actual voice and they're just doing all these expectations on everyone and everything, including yourself, you might find that you get a lot lighter and feel a lot happier.

I love that. I think that's great advice. All right, Mister Andrew.

Yes, Catherine.

What is your glimmer? Well, first say what a glimmer is, and then let's. What's making you sparkle?

So glimmers are those little things that just delight you. And it can be like a special moment with your kids. It can be a new toy. It can be just a moment that you've had by yourself and moment of inspiration. Just something that lights you up, something that gives you that shine. So, Cat, I described it so you get to start.

Oh. You know, I wanted to share a milestone that my pup, Julep, she turned 15 years old last month.

That is amazing. Pardon me? That is amazing.

She is a rescue mutt. She is a pointy tailed, smart girl. Good girl. And I am just amazed that I've had her for 15 years. She has been such a big part of my life, and we made her a very sad party hat and put it on her head and took lots of pictures. I don't think she liked that part, but just wanted to share because it makes me happy. I read that only 8% of dogs live to 15, and so I'm just glad I've had her for as long as I have.

That is wonderful. Dang. That is. That is really cool. Craig, congratulations to Julia. And, yeah, because that is very, very cool.

Thanks.

Neat. Wow. I watched my 16 year old get married two days ago, so I'm kind of reeling on that. My daughter, and that's the name of the medium article. So I watched my 16 year old get married this week. My daughter was in a school play, and I'll link to the post and everything, but it was so amazing to get to pre experience the real thing. It was a role that she really wanted. She was very happy and excited about all of it. She loves acting, and production was really well done. But I got to see this boy asked her to marry her. And then the second scene, because it was like a combination of scenes throughout 1969 about the moon landing and stuff, is really cool. And then the second scene is them getting married. She actually had an actual wedding dress on, and it lit my heart up to a way I can't imagine, because it wasn't just getting to see her married and going, oh, my girl's growing up. It's getting that and having the revelation and realizing I'm not going to be there when she gets engaged. Like, that's usually a private moment for those two, but getting to see that was really cool and to, you know, see that, like, life is moving on and moving forward. And I'm so grateful to get that glimpse to really. It's going to make me appreciate my time with my kids even more because I think as parents, you kind of get stuck in the day to day of homework and meals and activities and stuff, and then you have just, like, that glimmer and suddenly the whole world changes on you. And it was beautiful.

Wow. I love it. Andrew sent me a picture from the play, and she looked amazing and just totally glowing up there. And I think that's so fun. And I love your reaction to it, that it warmed your heart. I think a lot of dads would have been like, oh, my gosh. And it's like, to be fair, I.

Don'T own a shotgun. So, you know, I'm just kidding.

It's awesome. And I'm so glad that the play went well and that you got to see that. That's pretty fun.

It was really cool. One of those proud papa moments, for sure. And it was a multilevel experience inside of me, and I was really grateful for that. All right, on that note, on that note, you guys have a great week. Bye bye. Well, thank you for listening. Remember, it doesn't matter where you've started from or where your coming from, it matters where you're going.

And we are rooting for.

This transcript was generated by AI and has not been proofread for it’s accuracy.