Description: The Pentagon's playing digital Russian roulette with state secrets, using encrypted apps like they're high school group chats. Meanwhile, Moscow and Beijing are laughing so hard they're shooting booze through their noses as our military geniuses broadcast war plans with more emojis than operational security.

Spice Index: 🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️

This is pure American military logic: build a $13 trillion death machine, then hand the keys to guys who'd struggle with a child-proof cap. We're simultaneously the most advanced fighting force in history and a Benny Hill sketch with nukes. The Pentagon's motto should be "Classified Information: Please Take One" with a little bowl of state secrets by the door.