In this powerful Tammy’s Takes episode of Adult Child of Dysfunction, Tammy Vincent expands on her conversation with Irin Rubin, founder of Mama Zen, to explore a difficult but important truth:

Your child may not actually be the trigger… your nervous system is.

If you’ve ever found yourself snapping, yelling, shutting down, feeling overstimulated, or wondering:

“Why am I reacting this strongly?”

This episode is for you.

Tammy dives into how childhood dysfunction, emotional neglect, trauma, and growing up in chaotic environments shape the nervous system and influence the way we parent today. She explains why many parenting reactions are not about the child’s behavior—but about old wounds, subconscious survival patterns, and nervous system dysregulation.

Most importantly, Tammy shares a practical 3-Step Nervous System Reset for Parenting Triggers to help parents pause, regulate emotional overwhelm, stop reactive patterns, and begin breaking generational trauma in real time.

This episode covers emotional regulation, co-regulation, repair after conflict, parenting after dysfunction, and why healing yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children.

Because your children don’t need perfect parents.

They need healing ones.

🔑 KEY TAKEAWAYS

• Why your child may not actually be “the trigger”

• How childhood dysfunction impacts parenting reactions

• The connection between trauma and nervous system dysregulation

• Tammy’s 3-Step Nervous System Reset for parenting triggers

• Why co-regulation matters more than control

• How repair builds emotional safety with children

• Why shame keeps generational trauma alive

• The difference between reacting and responding

💛 READY TO REGULATE YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM?

If you’re tired of feeling emotionally flooded, reactive, overwhelmed, or stuck in survival mode, Tammy created a simple, practical guide to help.

Grab the Nervous System Reset Guide here:

https://workshops.tammyvincent.com/offers/y4ucfW2w/checkout

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As an international inspirational speaker, NLP Practitioner, Trauma-Informed Coach, Neurofit Trainer, and Best-Selling Author, I bring both deep personal experience and professional training to the work I do. I believe in prevention, not just intervention — and use a body, mind, and spirit approach to guide others toward becoming the happiest, healthiest versions of themselves.

My holistic toolbox includes nervous system regulation, trauma-informed coaching, nutritional support, and natural healing strategies,

🔑 Start Your Healing Journey

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Welcome back to another episode of

Tammi's Takes, where we take powerful

2

conversations from our guest and turn

them into practical strategies that

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you can use right here, right now.

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So today, I wanna expand on my talk

with Erin Rubin from Mama Zen, because

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honestly, this episode hit home for me.

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If you listen to the episode, Erin and I

talked a lot about parenting, emotional

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regulation, nervous system healing,

whoo, and something that I think so many

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parents secretly struggle with don't...

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but don't always want to admit.

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And that is, why do our

kids trigger us so much?

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So listen, if you've ever found

yourself snapping or yelling, shutting

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down, feeling overstimulated, or

thinking, "Why am I reacting so

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strongly to something so small?"

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I want you to hear me when I say this.

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You are not a bad parent.

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You are not broken.

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And seriously, your child

probably isn't even the trigger.

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It's your nervous system.

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Now, before anybody comes to me and

says, "Tammi, my kid absolutely is

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the trigger," I want you to hear

me out for a second, because this

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changed absolutely everything for me.

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When your child does something,

let's say back talks or whines or

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melts down, maybe ignores you, pushes

boundaries, all the things that

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kids do naturally, it's usually not

the behavior itself that causes the

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huge emotional reaction from you.

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It's what the behavior

touches inside of you.

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That's the part nobody talks about.

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Because if you grew up in dysfunction,

if you grew up in chaos, if you grew

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up walking on eggshells, emotional

neglect, criticism, explosive moments,

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like all those things, if that's how

you grew up, or even if your parents

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were never regulated themselves,

your nervous system learned survival

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long before it learned safety.

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And this matters because as

adults, especially as parents,

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we don't react from logic first.

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We react from wiring, from

old programming, and from

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subconscious protection.

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So maybe your child back

doesn't feel like talking back.

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It doesn't just feel like

they're just talking back to you.

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Maybe it feels respectful because growing

up, you were never allowed to speak.

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And I want you to think about

these things, and I want you to

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put yourself in these shoes and see

if any of this really resonates.

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Because for some people, it hits so

close to home, it's unbelievable.

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So maybe the whining, it makes you feel

overwhelmed because nobody ever helped

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regulate when you were overwhelmed.

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Maybe loud chaos feels unbearable

sometimes because your house

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growing up felt emotionally unsafe.

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So maybe when your child melts down even,

something inside of you gets activated,

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and suddenly it's not about this moment,

it's about every single tiny moment.

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Every time you felt powerless,

every time you felt unheard, every

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time your emotions weren't safe.

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And if you don't realize that,

you'll think, my child, who I

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love more than anything in the

whole world, is driving me crazy."

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Instead of asking yourself, . What

is this bringing up in me?

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what is this bringing up?

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What is this stirring up?

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Because that question

alone changes everything.

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Because healing generational trauma

isn't about not getting triggered.

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It's about getting curious

about the triggers.

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And as Erin said something in the

episode I absolutely love, she talk

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about how your child triggering

you is actually just information.

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It's awareness.

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It's an opportunity to look inward

instead of immediately outward.

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And honestly, that's hard because most

of us were raised to suppress, to hold

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it in, to suck it up, to stop crying,

to get over it, to go to your room, to

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don't feel, don't talk, don't express.

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Whew, all of that stuff.

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And now we're trying to parent differently

while healing ourselves at the same time.

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And that's not easy.

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That's brave, though.

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That is super brave.

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And I want you to normalize

something very quickly.

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You're going to get triggered.

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You can't avoid that.

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You just are.

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You're going to have those moments

where your nervous system gets flooded,

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where you're overstimulated, where the

whining feels like nails on a chalkboard

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even, where your sibling fighting

makes you want to lose your mind.

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That doesn't mean you failed as a parent.

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It just means you're human.

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The difference is what happens

next and how you react.

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So today I want to give you, as

always, a practical process that

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you can start using immediately.

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And if I had to give this one a

name, I would probably call it

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the three-step nervous system

reset for parenting triggers.

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Why not, right?

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. Step one, is pause the pattern.

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This is huge because when your nervous

system is flooded, you are not responding.

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You are reacting.

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And reaction usually comes

from the past, not the present.

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So before saying the thing, before

yelling, before slapping, before snapping,

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before doing any of those knee-jerk

reactions that you want to do, just pause,

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even if it's literally three seconds,

and ask, "What am I feeling right now?"

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Not what is wrong with my

child, but what am I feeling?

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Why am I overstimulated?

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Do I feel unheard?

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Do I feel disrespected?

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Do I feel powerless,

exhausted, flooding, tired?

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Whatever it is, what do I feel?

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Because naming it naturally

lowers the intensity of it.

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And if your nervous system

is activated, you do not need

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a parenting strategy first.

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You need regulation first.

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That's just how it is.

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So step two, ask yourself,

"What is this reminding me of?"

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This one is super powerful because your

child might not be causing the wound.

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They may be activating it.

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Yes, that is not far from the truth.

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But listen, It's about

understanding your patterns.

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So ask, "What does this remind me of?"

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what does that feel like?

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What feeling is familiar?

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Did I grow up feeling controlled?

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Did I grow up feeling ignored or unsafe

or not listened to or like I had no voice?

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Because when we don't explore

our own wounds, we parent from

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them without even realizing it.

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And awareness is where the healing begins.

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So be aware.

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Step three, step three,

co-regulate instead of control.

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This one might be my absolute

favorite because most of us

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didn't learn emotional regulation.

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We learn, we learned emotional

suppression or explosions or silence.

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We either lashed out, shut

down, or just went away.

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But co-regulation means we can do it

together and we can calm down together.

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So instead of yelling, "Go to your

room," try, "Hey, mommy needs a second.

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Let's breathe together," or,

"Let's get some cold water.

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Let me go get a drink of water.

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Let's sit for a minute together."

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And then just listen.

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This doesn't mean being

a permissive parent.

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You're still holding boundaries.

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You still parent, - but you stop

trying to control emotions and

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start teaching emotional safety.

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And honestly, that changes

generation after generation.

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One of the things Erin said that I

loved was the idea that your kids are

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watching how you regulate, not whether

you're perfect, not whether you do the

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right things or say the right things

always, but whether you repair, whether

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you pause, whether you apologize.

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And I have to tell you, that hit me

so hard because I grew up in a home

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where there were emotional outbursts,

and there was never an apology.

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I cannot remember one time ever that my

parents ever said to me, "I'm sorry I

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acted that way," or, "Mommy was going

through some stuff, and I apologize.

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I shouldn't have treated you like that."

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Never.

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And I remember when I became a

mom, I just knew something inside

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of me was that I didn't want my

kids to feel scared of my emotions.

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So was I perfect?

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Absolutely not.

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Did I ever snap at them?

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Of course I did, but I

learned the power of repair.

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I learned to go back and

say, "Hey, I'm sorry.

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That wasn't okay.

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You didn't deserve that."

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And you know what that teaches a child?

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One of the most important

things you can teach a child.

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It teaches them safety because

children don't need perfect parents.

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They need repairing parents who

are willing to grow, parents

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who say, "I got it wrong.

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I messed up.

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I screwed up, and I'll

do better next time."

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But what if nobody modeled

that for you growing up?

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It's okay.

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That's what we're here to do.

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You get to be the cycle breaker.

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You get to say, "This stops with me."

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And let me just say something to

the parents listening right now

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who are carrying guilt right now

because I want you to hear this so,

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so much from the bottom of my heart.

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You cannot shame yourself into healing.

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You cannot guilt yourself

into becoming a calmer parent.

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Healing happens through compassion,

through awareness, through support,

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and honestly, through small

moments of choosing differently.

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That's it.

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Not perfection, just different.

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One step at a time, one moment at a time,

one pause at a time, one breath at a time.

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Honestly, that's-- I created something

for people just like that, and it's

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called the Nervous System Reset

Guide, because so many of us are

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trying to heal from the neck up.

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Mindset, positive thinking,

motivational quotes.

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But at the end of the day, if your

body still feels unsafe, you'll

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keep reacting from survival.

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So if today's episode resonates with

you at all and you're thinking, "Oh,

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wow, maybe this isn't about my child.

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Maybe my nervous system is overwhelmed,"

I wanna encourage you to grab the guide.

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It's simple, practical tools to help

calm your nervous system in real

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life, in real time, especially in

the moments when you're flooded.

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Grab it below in the link, And I

just wanna leave you with this.

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You're not failing.

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You are healing while

parenting, and that is hard.

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But every time you pause instead

of react, every time you repair,

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every time you choose curiosity

over shame, you are changing your

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family tree, and that matters.

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So until next time, take a breath, be

gentle with yourself, and remember,

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your child isn't the trigger,

your nervous system is, and that

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means that healing is possible.

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See you back next time.

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Love you guys.