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It's easy to see exactly what your partner is doing wrong in a relationship. It's much harder to look at your own part in it. In almost every relationship problem, both people are contributing something, even if it's not an even split. When you focus only on your partner's behaviour and ignore your own, the problem tends to stay stuck.

Alastair shares the story of a couple who each had a clear, convincing case against the other, one felt emotionally shut out, the other felt criticised. When each of them honestly asked how they were feeding the pattern, things started to shift. This episode walks through that same question for your own relationship: pick one issue that keeps resurfacing, ask what part you're playing in it, and make a change yourself, without waiting for your partner to go first.

Daily Relationship Tips helps couples strengthen relationship communication, rebuild emotional intimacy, restore relationship trust, develop healthy relationship habits, and reconnect before emotional distance becomes permanent.

Hosted by Alastair Duhs, relationship coach and creator of Reconnected.

It's remarkably easy to see what your partner is doing wrong in a relationship.

I mean, most people are very clear on that part, right?

But after 30 years of working with over 15,000 couples, I can tell you something.

The more powerful question, and definitely the harder one, is what you're doing wrong.

Hi, I'm Alastair Dues and this is the Daily Relationship Tips Podcast.

Every episode, I share simple, practical tools to help you and your partner feel close, connected and genuinely in love again, one small habit at a time.

So here's what most people don't realize.

And honestly, it's a tough pill to swallow.

In almost every relationship problem, both people have a hand in it.

Not necessarily equally.

I'm not saying it's always 50 50, but both people are contributing something.

And when you focus on your partner's contribution while completely ignoring your own, you basically guarantee the problem stays unresolved forever.

So learning to take responsibility, that's today's practice.

Not blaming your partner, not guilting them, but taking genuine responsibility, the willingness to actually ask yourself, what part am I playing in this?

To help illustrate this, let me tell you about a couple I once worked with.

I'll call them Ollie and Meg.

They came to me for couples counseling and each of them had this really clear account of.

Of what the other person was doing wrong.

Ollie felt like Meg was emotionally unavailable.

Meg felt like Ollie was too demanding.

And you know what?

Both of them had a strong case, but both of them were just waiting for the other to change first.

So when I asked each of them in turn, how might you be partially responsible for.

For this dynamic?

Neither of them had really thought about it much.

They'd been way too focused on the other person's role.

But when I pushed gently, things started to emerge.

Ollie realized that his demands for closeness often came out in moments of frustration as criticism rather than genuine requests.

His way of pursuing connection had actually been pushing Meg further away, not drawing her closer.

Meg realized that she'd been protecting herself from what she perceived as criticism by withdrawing, which only made Ollie feel more shut out, which made his frustration rise, which made her withdraw even more.

Both of them had been feeding the exact dynamic they were complaining about.

And when each of them identified their part and.

And actually took responsibility for it, not as some kind of confession, but as a genuine insight, something shifted.

Ollie stopped waiting for Meg to open up and started changing how he approached her.

Meg stopped waiting for Ollie to stop criticising and started noticing that his new approach was actually different.

The problem didn't disappear overnight, but the dynamic broke because instead of two people waiting for the other to move, one person moved and then the other followed.

So here's today's Think about one relationship issue that's been unresolved.

You know, something that keeps coming up, something that creates friction over and over again.

Ask yourself honestly, how am I at least partially responsible for this?

Not what is my partner doing wrong?

But what am I contributing?

Even a small insight here can completely change the conversation.

Next, and this is the important bit.

Without waiting for your partner to go first, make a change.

Because here's what this means.

Long term, the couples who actually grow through difficulties are the ones where at least one person is willing to look honestly at themselves rather than just pointing across the table.

That willingness to take responsibility, to say, here's what I'm doing and here's what I could do differently.

It's one of the most powerful forces for change in any relationship.

So look at your part in issues and own them.

Now.

Before you go, here's something worth two minutes of your time on the homepage at daily relationshiptips.com there's a free quiz that shows you how close you and your partner really are right now and where your easy wins are hiding.

No guessing, no overwhelm.

Just a clear picture of where to start.

And while you're there, you'll find a stack of relationship resources to help you put these habits into practice.

Everything you need to create a happier, more loving and connected relationship is waiting for you.

Thanks for listening, and I'll see you in the next episode.