Welcome back to episode two -
When I first did online dating, I was so nervous for my very first date.
In the beginning of the date, my nervousness manifested as my mouth and lips doing some unintentional conclusions and quivers. I could’t smile like a normal human being. It was so distracting and made me even more self conscious and nervous.
And now I feel the same starting this podcast. I can’t figure out how to talk like my normal voice. I’m either super monotone and mellow or sound kind panicked, and/or I am mumbling my words. It’s hard! And if I waited until I felt super confident about it all - I’d never get this podcast out.
Getting it out into the world to help people get out their and find their person is worth the pain and suffering I’m going through right now figuring this whole podcast thing out.
Everything about it brings up so much anxiety for me! Sometimes I feel like I’m just going to pop out of my skin.
But I just keep reminding myself this is what I really want to do - and that all these super uncomfortable thoughts and feelings will be worth it.
Becoming a coach and putting myself out their on instagram felt similar
I’m on a swiping app - instagram, trying to meet new people.
I meet new clients in real life too and get “set up’ by friends.
And now starting this podcast I feel like
So, in honor of all my current fears of being judged and rejected right now -
I figured we’d rip the bandaid off and dive right on in to rejection!
When it comes to dating and putting ourselves out there, one of our biggest fears is the fear of rejection -someone we like, not liking us back. And then, to make matters worse, our brain adds on lots of thoughts like this is proof you’ll never find anyone, your too old, not good enough
Some of the reasons we want a relationship is we want someone else to tell us we’re lovable, worthy, enough, not too much
So when someone we like doesn’t “pick us” our brain with its natural tendency to lean negative and go to the worst case scenario - uses the “rejection” as proof we are unlovable, unworthy, not enough, too much - oh and there are not good ones left.
But, the truth is, when someone “rejects” us, its about them, not us.
Consider it this way:
My looks, age, personality, sense of humor, lack of a filter….All the ways I show up - trigger different thoughts and feelings in different people. Different people have different reactions to me. Some people can’t get enough of me- it’s a big ol love fest! Some people I’m sure have a thought they can take me in “doses”. Some people aren’t going like me.
I’m the constant they are the variable - so if how I look & show up in this world was the CAUSE of people liking me or not liking me, rejecting or accepting me- EVERYONES feelings about me would be the EXACTLY the same because the facts about me are exactly the same.
Again, I’m the constant - they are the variable.
BUT I trigger different responses in different people BASED ON their interpretations, their preferences, their conditioning, their values and their experiences. They see me through their lens. And therefore they have different opinions about me.
Whether they like me or don’t like me has EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THEM.
Because if it didn’t have to do with them - EVERYONE WOULD THINK EXACTLY THE SAME ABOUT ME.
Here’s some non dating examples.
Molly, one of my absolute besties, doesn’t like French fries or avocados! Here dislike of fries is all about molly’s preferences. And taste buds. And thoughts and feelings about the textures and flavors of fries and avocados.
Think about pets! Are you a cat or a dog person? Both are adorable furry little lovable beings - but most people prefer one over the other.
Think about where we prefer to live. I live in San Francisco, Some people wouldn’t choose to live here because of the foggy weather. They prefer the mountains or warm sandy beaches. San Francisco isn’t for everyone. Just like I’m not for everyone. And you aren’t for everyone.
What about paintings, music, books, movies, shows? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder is so true.
So the next time you feel disappointed because someone you like isn’t asking you out again, remember even delicious French fries aren’t aren’t loved by all.
The fact is not everyone is going to like us. And we’re not going to like everyone. Its what dating is all about FINDING YOUR MUTUAL MATCH! Knowing you can be a delicious French frie ,who’s person is going to love you and gobble you up, and other people just aren’t going to like you.
You are not for everyone, just as everyone is not for you
To clarify - when we like someone and they don’t like us back - it is human to feel sad or disappointed. We’re not robots, we have feelings that get triggered. Where we add unnecessary suffering is when we make it mean we’re unlovable, unworthy, too much, not enough…
We are human and our knee jerk reaction is to make rejection mean all sorts of things ABOUT US. When really, it’s ALL ABOUT THEM.
This is pretty hokey- but it keeps popping into my mind for this analogy Remember the elementary school rebuttal - I’m rubber, your glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. There’s some good truth in that. WE can give back the rejection to the rejector - it’s there’s not ours. It's about them, not us.
Remember person wants YOU. They are out there looking for you too. They want your age, your height, your quirks, your talents - your messy imperfections - ALL OF YOU!
Give the rejection back to there rejector - and focus on your person - your person who chooses you and you choose them back.
Mwah! Love you! Go get’m
