Anger

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-teen relationship. Growing your teen’s skills to manage anger provides a perfect opportunity. 

Teens and emerging adults ages 15-19 still learn about their strong and changing feelings. They may not fully understand the physical and mental takeover that can occur when angry. While striving for more independence, the sense of a lack of control that anger can produce can frighten them, adding to the length and intensity of their upset. It might also humiliate them if they are mad in front of respected others like teachers, siblings, friends, or relatives. Teens may feel social pains more acutely because of the increasing importance of the roles of peers in their lives. Learning how to deal with anger without suppressing it, beating it down, or expressing it by hurting others and themselves is critical. Your support and guidance matter greatly.

Research confirms that when teens learn to manage their feelings, their executive functions are simultaneously strengthened. ^1 They can better use self-control, problem-solve, and focus their attention, directly impacting their school success. However, the opposite is also true. Teens who do not learn to manage their feelings through the guidance and support of caring adults may have attention issues and difficulty solving problems.

Anger is not bad or negative. You should not avoid or shut down the experience of it. There’s a good reason for it. Everyone has experienced someone who has lost control and acted in ways that harmed themselves or others when angry. However, every feeling, including anger, serves a critical purpose. Anger provides essential information about who a person is, what emotional or physical needs are not getting met, and where their boundaries lie. Understanding this often misunderstood feeling is key to helping your teens better understand themselves and learn healthy ways to manage their intense feelings.^1

Everyone can face challenges in feeling overcome by anger. Your teen may slam the bedroom door as they refuse to tell you what is happening and why they are so upset. Anger may cover hurt, humiliation, fear, and stress. It may also mask guilt, shame, grief, or envy. 

 As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an important role in helping your teen better understand their experience as they learn to identify their feelings and needs better.

Why Anger?

Whether your fifteen-year-old melts down in frustration over trying to get math homework accomplished or your nineteen-year-old yells after not being allowed to attend an unsupervised party, anger, and its many accompanying feelings can become a regular challenge if you don’t help your teen create plans and strategies for coping with and making space to express anger.

Today, in the short term, learning to manage anger can create

●      a sense of confidence in your teen that they can regain calm and focus

●      trust in each other that you and your teen have the competence to make space for  a range of feelings in healthy ways and

●      added daily peace of mind

Tomorrow, in the long term, your teen

●      builds skills in self-awareness

●      builds skills in self-control and managing feelings, and

●      build assertive communication to communicate critical needs and boundaries to keep them healthy and safe 

Five Steps for Managing Anger

This five-step process helps you and your teen manage anger and builds essential skills in your teen. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[1] ).

Tip: These steps are done best when you and your teen are not angry, tired, or in a rush. 

Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and a healthy parenting relationship[3]  support these steps.

Step 1. Get Your Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

You can get your teen thinking about ways to make constructive choices about their behaviors when angry by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your teen’s thinking. You and your teen will also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to coping with their anger so that you can both address them. In gaining input, your teen

●      has the opportunity to become more aware of how they are thinking and feeling and understand when the cause of their upset is anger-related

●      can think through and problem-solve any challenges they may encounter ahead of time

●      has a more significant stake in anything they’ve thought through and designed themselves, and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for implementing new strategies and

●      will be working with you on making decisions (and understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life

Actions

●      Be curious about your teen’s feelings. You might start by asking questions. 

○      “How do you know when you are angry?” 

○      “What are some common things that make you angry?”       

○      “How can you tell when someone is angry with you? And what happens when someone is angry with you?”

●      Use your best listening skills. Remember, what makes a parent angry can differ significantly from what angers a teen. Listen closely to your teen's concerns without projecting your thoughts and feelings.  You will know you are in your best listening state if you are genuinely curious about your teen’s point of view. 

●      Reflect or paraphrase back what you hear. For example, if your teen says, “Julie made fun of my clothes and called me fat.” You could say, “So I hear that Julie hurt you.” If you hear a subtext of feeling, as in this example, you can also reflect the feeling implied. Also, you can seek further clarification if it’s needed. You could say, “I hear you were mad and probably quite hurt, too. Is that right?”

●      Help your teen make the mind-body connection. Ask your teen, “What clues did your body give you that you were angry?” You can also say, “What are you feeling in your body now as you talk about it?”

Trap: What angers a parent can differ significantly from what angers a teen. Listen closely to what concerns them most without projecting your thoughts, concerns, and feelings.

Trap: Be sure you talk about anger at a calm time when you are not stressed or upset!     

Step 2. Teach New Skills

Because intense feelings like anger and hurt occur as you go about your daily life, you may not consider their role and impact on your teen. Intense feelings can majorly influence the day and your relationship with your teen. Learning about what developmental milestones[4]  a teen is working on can help you better understand what your teen is going through and what might be contributing to anger or frustration.^2

●      Fifteen-year-olds are in the final year of the significant physical changes in puberty. They may feel insecure and sensitive to criticism. They may be preoccupied with peer interactions and impressions. Homework and academic goals are less critical than socializing but still significant. Teens may fear failure in front of you, their teacher, or their peers and may seek to avoid specific projects or tasks to prevent that feeling of humiliation. Though peers are highly influential, teens at this age still look to you for encouragement that they can handle the bigger expectations and workload. The peer group can present many emotional challenges, including worries about who’s in the “in” and “out” crowds, to whom your teen is attracted, and to whom your teen desires to build friendships. Strong friendships can serve as a critical support and help motivate your teen to work hard in school, so your coaching and support of their connections with friends can also make a difference in their sense of well-being.

●      Sixteen-year-olds are at the end of the awkwardness of their new physical being and are beginning to feel and appear more confident in themselves and who they are. They may have new important goals outside of school, and along with them, they may experience stress and worries related to learning to drive, getting a driver’s license, getting a new part-time job, or trying out a romantic partnership. All these are critical steps for their exploration of adult life. This age group might be tempted to stay up late studying or socializing. Still, that lack of sleep challenges their self-control and ability to manage anger and anxiety in healthy ways. So, your role can be most effective in keeping an open, non-judgmental dialogue about their social, academic, and life goals and how they can manage the typical stress and uncertainty that goes along with it.

●      Seventeen-year-olds have greater pursuits for their mind and may become highly focused on their academic and life goals as they consider the fact that their graduation is coming up and they’ll need to face life after high school. At times, they may seem to feel invincible and, perhaps, overly confident, while at other times, they might resort to behaviors from earlier years, seeming fragile and scared. It can become a highly stressful time, so your support during this time is critical. They’ll require multiple options for dealing with stress in healthy ways, and this may represent your last year for practicing together while still under your roof. If your teen goes to college, applying and preparing for that significant transition will create stress. Also, it’s common for teens to unconsciously create reasons to get angry with their parents as they attempt to make the physical separation of leaving home easier. 

●      Eighteen- and nineteen-year-olds are considered adults, gaining the ability to vote and being socially recognized as adults. Many will enter college with a new set of academic goals and expectations. Also, they may face living independently for the first time. For this reason, they may be eager to discuss the complexities of adult responsibilities. Most of all, they’ll need your listening and reflecting. At times, they may exude confidence, while at other times, they may feel highly insecure and run to you, needing comfort and security. This is a time for redefining your relationship, so paying close attention to their needs, offering your assurance that they are ready and can do it on their own, and allowing for their independence are some of your most important roles. 

Teaching is different from just telling. It builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. It is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences for unmet expectations.

Actions

●      Learn together! Anger and hurt are essential messages to pay attention to. They mean emotional, social, or physical needs are unmet, or necessary boundaries (our rules or values) are violated. It’s essential to ask: “Why am I feeling this way? What needs to change to feel better?” 

●      Parents or those in a parenting role can benefit from understanding how stress is processed in the body and brain to ask helpful questions about their teen and learn about their stress.  Anytime you are emotionally shaken from stress, fear, anxiety, anger, or hurt, you are functioning from the part of your brain that developed first -- the primal brain -- or amygdala. The amygdala responds to stress by fighting, fleeing, or freezing and serves to help us survive dangerous situations. While we rarely face tigers and bears in the wild, several everyday interactions can activate you and your teen’s fight, flight or freeze response system. During these intense feelings, some chemicals wash over the rest of the brain, cutting off access to the part of our brain that allows for reasoning and problem-solving.

What does this mean as a parent?  You may notice that once your teen is upset, it is difficult to get through to them, or nothing may seem to help the situation. Daniel Goleman, the author of Emotional Intelligence, refers to this as your teen’s brain being “hijacked.”

^2 When the brain is hijacked and in a stress response, your attempts at resolving the situation with problem-solving, reasoning, bribes, or threats will do little to solve the current conflict or change your teen’s behavior. Effective problem-solving requires logic, language, and creativity, though none can be well utilized when greatly upset. While in a stress response state, your teen cannot access the part of their brain, the prefrontal cortex, that engages in reasoning.

How can you help?  When your teen becomes dysregulated, the first step is to help them return to a calm space before problem-solving or correction. Remember, helping your teen calm down does not mean that you are condoning misbehavior. Correction can take place after your teen has calmed down.

●      As a parent, yelling will not dissipate anger. Research confirms that the expression of aggression, whether it's yelling or hitting (and that includes parents hitting, yelling, or spanking), exacerbates the anger.^2 Furthermore, if they see those methods used, your teen will learn to model those behaviors, such as yelling and hitting. Expressing your anger physically will also erode your teen’s trust in you.

●      Model behaviors, and your teen will notice and learn.^4 Here are some ways to deal with your upset or anger.

○      Create a plan for your emotional regulation. This is critical so you’ll know exactly what you’ll say, where you’ll go to calm down, and what you’ll do and consider when calming down. Then, prepare your family so they understand your plan, will recognize it when they see it, and can learn from it.

○      Recognize your anger. This self-awareness can come from several cues. Take note of physical symptoms when they happen. It can cue you to calm down before choosing your words or actions. Notice the signs, discuss what your teen notices, and take the following steps.

■      Breathe first. Slowing down your breathing helps with calming down. 

■      Walk outside. The fresh air helps you breathe better, and the natural surroundings instantly calm. 

■      Distract yourself. Research has found that distraction can help calm rage. Reading a book or listening to music can help. 

■      Write. Writing down your angry thoughts (versus ruminating about them) can allow you to re-evaluate your situation. You can reframe it, look at it from another perspective, or search for the silver lining. Reflecting in your writing on what you can learn from the situation has a calming effect. You might ask yourself, “What positive goal can I set, or what next step can I take to improve things?”  

●      Brainstorm coping strategies. You and your teen can use numerous coping strategies depending on what feels right. But, when you are angry and upset, recalling what will make you feel better can be challenging. That’s why brainstorming a list, writing it down, and keeping it at the ready can come in handy when your teen needs it. Here are some ideas from Janine Halloran:^5 imagine your favorite place, take a walk, get a drink of water, take deep breaths, count to 50, draw, listen to music, and build something.  Use this as a modeling opportunity and make a list of coping skills you will use for yourself the next time you feel angry or frustrated.

●      Work on your family feelings vocabulary. Parents and those in a parenting role sometimes have to become feelings detectives. If your teen shuts down and refuses to tell you what’s happening, you must dig for clues. Identifying your feelings is necessary to become more self-aware and understand your needs.

●      Create a chill zone. During time without pressures, design a “chill zone” or place where your teen decides they would like to go when upset to feel better. 

●      Design a plan. When you’ve learned what happens in your brain and body when anger takes over, you know you need a plan ready, so you don’t have to think in that moment. 

●      Teach your teen how to stop rumination. If you catch your teen uttering the same upsetting story more than once, your teen’s mind has hopped onto the hamster wheel of rumination. In these times, it can be challenging to let go. Talk to your teen about the fact that reviewing the same concerns over and over will not help them resolve the issue, but talking about them, calming down, and learning more might help. Setting a positive goal for change will help. Discuss what they can do when thinking through the same upsetting thoughts. 

●      Reflect on your teen’s anger so you can be prepared to help. When reflecting on your teen’s feelings, you can think about unpacking a suitcase. Frequently, layers of feelings need to be examined and understood, not just one. Anger might just be the top layer. So, after discovering why your teen was angry, you might ask about other layers. Was there hurt or a sense of rejection involved? Perhaps your teen feels embarrassed? Fully unpacking the suitcase of feelings will help your teen feel better understood by you as they become more self-aware. Ask yourself:

○      “What needs is my teen not getting met?” Their needs can be emotional, like needing a friend to listen or give them attention, needing some alone time, or needing to escape a chaotic environment. 

○      “Can the issue be addressed by my teen alone, or do they need to communicate a need, ask for help, or set a boundary?” One of the hardest steps for many can be asking for help or drawing a...