Unlocking Modern Manners with Brooke Romney

Episode 148 • 5th March 2024 • Momma Has Goals • Kelsey Smith

0:00

So I think a lot of times we say, either you're an individual and a free spirit, or you're kind and respectful. And I like to push back on that because I think the best, most effective and most powerful people, whether they're adults or children are those with volt. You can be independent, you can have a free spirit, and you can be aware and you can be kind and both of those things can come together and create someone that has an inner confidence in themselves, but also can be really effective in the community situation.

0:34

Let's reimagine mom life together. Mama high schools is your hub for relatable support and helpful resources that help you fuel yourself alongside motherhood. Your identity is bigger than mom, in whatever your goals are. Together, we're making them a reality. You ever seen a teenager or a child and thought to yourself, wow, they don't have any life skills or they are rude. They don't know their manners. What have they been taught? What is they learned? Why don't they know this? These are all things that we want to pretend they never get said they do. And our guest today is going to teach us the concept of Modern Manners. Brooke is a writer, speaker and connector and is committed to sharing real life with a hopeful twist. She's the best selling author of three books 52 Modern Manners for today's teens volume in one and two. And I like me anyways, embracing imperfection connection in Christ. Her fresh perspective and relatable style has engaged millions of readers in The Washington Post desert news studio five in timeout for women and on her own blog and Instagram, Brooke Romney writes, where she's created a vibrant community of women who learn and lift. Brooke comes from girly roots, but she's morphed into an outdoor adventuring, dirt loving mom of four boys, one daughter in law, and one new grandbaby. Her husband keeps her on her toes but loves her unconditionally. Even when she leaves all the lights on and the cupboards open, can you relate? Usually it's the other way around in our household when she's not writing or mothering. You can find her in a good book, speaking to groups volunteering in the schools, or walk with a friend. She has a weakness for getting Kenny sunshine, youth sports and family travel, but also finds magic in the ordinary moments that have become rather secret in our fast paced world. meaningful connection. Family, friends, strangers in her faith is where she finds purpose. Enjoy. We talked there so many good things today, including roasting friends, and putting each other down habits trendy and fun. But how do we make it less normal? How do we implement these things at different ages of kids from maybe two years old to teens and beyond? We talked about being proud but being respectful. And we talked about breaking the ice with your kids, having conversations and bringing in a family culture that maybe hasn't been there before. But you're ready for something different. We also talk about having the freedom as a child, but knowing when you need to also have some safety, and knowing what to do when you're not in a situation yet, but preparing yourself for that success. Let's dive in. Brooke, I'm so excited to have you here today, when I first saw your real concept of Modern Manners. I had my own perception of that. But I'd love for you to walk us through your choice of words of Modern Manners. And as you have this gauge of kid ages in your own home, what do you consider modern? And what do you consider manners? Because they can mean different things to different people?

3:41

Yeah, it's actually funny that I became a manners person, because I would say those like very formal physical manners go very much against my more relaxed personality, and a lot of ways, I have four boys. So what I was starting to see is that many of the social norms, relationship manners, online manners, were things that were not coming as naturally to my kids as I hoped they would. And I thought that maybe they would just learn by example, and through osmosis, and it wasn't happening. And as I look to a broader demographic of their friends, or my friends, children, I realized that kids who understood how to exist, politely be aware and be kind in our world. That wasn't the norm. And as I was watching that, and seeing the effects that it had, not just on the people around them, but on the kid itself, I realized that there had to be a better, easier way. We weren't trying to teach these kids calculus. We were just trying to teach them how to be kind and aware and respectful and successful. And it really happens through very small manners.

4:57

Yeah, and I love that you bring up a About being for them too, because there is this really interesting balance between doing this for someone else and for society, but also that it gives you confidence, it gives you the ability to show up into a room in a certain place. So how do you talk through that balance with either the families you work with or your own kids, and explain it's not just for other people or because I want you to show up as a certain way, it's really for you to?

5:28

Well, one of the things that I've learned about kids is that they are naturally self centered, and it's developmentally appropriate for them to be so. And so when I realized that often when I was trying to sell them on something, anything that was for the good of everyone else, some of my kids would grasp onto that, and others would basically say, Thanks, I'm not interested. And so as I was thinking about how do I help make them see the value in this not just community based, but for themselves, I really was careful in the way I phrase things. When I give a why behind the manner. There's a y that's focused on the community, but also a y that is focused on what's in it for me. And I found that when we help kids understand what's in it, for me, it's actually a win when they're doing something that's great for them and something that's great for their family, or great for the community.

6:21

How do you see this being affected either positively or negatively? By the different social activities that kids do? Whether it's being involved in social media, it's being involved in sports, different leadership, or lack thereof of is it completely unrelated? Or do you see that those things definitely impact the child's ability to grab on to this concept of developing better personal skills, and manners more naturally.

6:51

So I would say that the one number one problem with this development is because of technology, I think, especially beginning with COVID. But even before that, kids a generation ago did not have headphones in and they did not have their eyes on the screen, whether they wanted to or not, they were observing the world around them. As soon as screens became a thing, I feel like their experiences with observation were really limited. And I think that's one of the reasons why teaching them these things deliberately is really important. The other thing that really affected I think, was COVID, because of COVID, a lot of our lives as adults went to online. So where your kid may have gone with you to the grocery store on a regular basis, now your groceries are getting delivered, while they may have gone with you to the mall to look for closing been having to talk to a salesperson and watching you interact with someone, now you're ordering everything on Amazon. So just even if they didn't have headphones in or a screen in front of them, the amount of interactions they're getting to see on a daily basis is much smaller, then what happens is they hit a certain age. And as parents, we expect them to know how to do all these things. We expect them to be good members of society to be able to look somebody in the eye to be able to order for themselves at a restaurant, but they haven't really seen it. And so when I thought about creating these books, one of the motivations behind it was to make sure that our kids are prepared for these situations, so that they can feel successful, so that they can be proactive. So when they go to dinner with a friend, and it's the first time they've been in their nine years old that they can look the server in the eye and say yes, please, I'd like to hamburger.

8:35

Yeah. And so at this point of recording, I have two kids that are not currently in my belly. And one is very much more the rule follower very much more. Okay, this is what I'm supposed to do how I'm supposed to show up to the point that we almost want to be like, you know, just be a kid, we want you to just play and have fun. And then our other one I call the Sour Patch, because he obviously still a great kid, but definitely an independent streak wants to do it his way on his terms. And I'm curious when it comes to teaching manners and respect, how you bring in this personality of who they are, but really allowing independence and pushing back. And when we talk about technology and social media. It's allowed more of this freedom of opinion, freedom of speech, to be able to put things out there and say, No, that's not for me, or I'm going to be maybe even entitled is the right word in certain ways. Where do you see the balance between this freedom spirit and kids but also pulling it back and being respectful and well mannered?

9:39

Yeah, as I talk to parents, sometimes they have a concern about that. Like I don't want to raise a robot. I don't I don't want someone to just always be doing exactly what they always should be doing. And I always love to say, Do you have a problem with your kid being you know, do you have a problem with your kid being a Were the people around them and the surroundings around them? No, do you have a problem with your kid being respectful in the ways they share themselves and their opinions? No. So I think a lot of times we say, either you're an individual and a free spirit, or you're kind of respectful. And I like to push back on that, because I think the best, most effective and most powerful people, whether they're adults or children, are those with volt, you can be independent, you can have a free spirit. And you can be aware, and you can be kind, and both of those things can come together and create someone that has an inner confidence in themselves, but also can be really effective in a community situation. And I think, for most people, that's what they're looking for, we're not trying to take away a personality, what we're trying to do is help them understand how to bring that personality to the world, in a way that it can be received. Yeah.

10:56

And I love that your book is about conversations and habits, right? So this becomes really a family culture. It's not like you're dropping a textbook off to your teen and saying, like, you better study up, and I'm gonna see how you're doing. It's really becoming this culture of the family, and you're working through it together. Can you give us a couple examples for someone that has a teenager, specifically with your first book, and that hasn't been the culture that hasn't been the dynamic, there's maybe not a lot of respect, or you're going to be coming in, and it's going to feel like a rulebook? How do you introduce this into a family that's maybe not going to be as receptive?

11:35

This is a great question. And I have two different approaches. Because I have four kids, and all of them are very different. And all of them receive information from parents really differently. So I want to go through two scenarios. The first one, if this has not been your family culture, is one where a parent comes very open and says, Hey, I feel like I haven't done the job that I needed to when it comes to teaching you ways to be successful in a teen and adult world. And that's on me. And I'm really sorry, I didn't have the tools or the awareness to know how to do that. But I got this book that I think will be really helpful for both me and you, it's going to help me know how to teach and I hope it helps you build some confidence in who you are. And just so you know, a lot of these things in the book are things that I don't do well, either, and so I want to do it and learn it with you. So I hope you're okay, if on Sunday nights, we just pull one of these manners up. And we're just going to read through it and then I'm going to keep it displayed for the week you can do with it what you will, I'm not going to test you on it or get on your case about it. But as a parent, I just really feel like it's important that I'm teaching you things that I know are important and will help you be successful in your life right now. And later. That's one way if you really feel and when I say those things, it's true that the manners in here are going to be eye opening for some adults to I wrote the book, and some of them are eye opening. For me, the way I wrote the book is so that it's a standalone book. So it can be displayed. For example, it has its own stand. So you can just display the manner all week long. And it can just sit up on a piano or on your dinner table, or on your breakfast bar, whatever you have. So the other option is to do a little bit of a sneak attack for the kids who are not interested in learning from their parents. I have parents who just get the book, they flip it to the first manner and they change the matter once a week. And they let it just sit out and their team can take it in on their own terms and learn for themselves. This works really well for kids who don't love to be told what to do, or for parents who just felt like this is a lot for me. And I'm not quite sure how to do this well or right yet. What I love about this is for parents who've done this, one mom said she had a really prickly 14 year old boy who she knew would say this was the stupidest idea she'd ever had. But one day she came home and she found him reading it in his room. Because she wanted to know how to live a better life too. He wanted to know what all of his friends understood about social norms and being a good person that he wasn't quite getting. The other thing that I found is a lot of families who do this who just leave it really, there's no discussion that's around it, they find that their kids are flipping the pages before they can. And so even though it's not a big family moment, their kids are taking it in, they're learning and they're interested. I think we forget that our teens want to be successful, just as much as we want them to be successful. They just sometimes don't know how to go about it.

14:38

I love that. Now, when you're talking about even the friends and the different dynamics, it brings me to this question. How has it shown up with either your own kids are others when maybe a friend isn't doing these things? And your kids now I don't want to say no better but if then, you know informed they have this knowledge at this point. What are some of the things Like conversations that you've had when they're like, why doesn't so and so have to do that? Or that person doesn't do that in their house? How do you navigate that?

15:08

So one of the things that I think is the most important about this book on manners is that these are ways for us to teach our kids not ways for us, we evaluate other families. And I make sure that my kids understand that, that this is something that aligns with our values. This is something that we find that very important, but something that else that aligns with our values, is being kind and allowing others to make their own choices. I love when I see my teens because of what they know, or even sometimes my teens friends who have this book, because of what they know, influence others for the better. So for instance, on a group chat, one of my son's friends, I guess they had started a group chat without someone. And someone took a picture of the manner that says don't leave just one person out, sent it on that group chat and brought the conversation back to the group chat that had everyone else on it. It's really powerful. And it's something that maybe they wouldn't have done or even known was wrong. If it hadn't been pointed out in a manner book. I love that. Now,

16:16

let's talk about the other side of it, where I could just see kids aren't always the nicest, right? And how do you create the confidence in your kids to be the leader when it comes to sending that picture, or being in the group text in that way, when maybe a friend or someone else is like, oh, that's lame, you're a rule follower, you're creating this, how do you navigate that,

16:40

that's really hard. And it's something that's going to come up from the beginning to the end. And that's when we fall back on. The most important thing is for us to feel good about who we are to make sure that we're living aligned with the values that we hold that are most important. And when we do that, we can feel good about ourselves, whether everyone thinks we're lame or not. And at the end of the day, one of the things that I found is, in the moment, people might put you down, people might say you're lame. But in the long run, everyone comes back to the people that are good and kind of unaware. And it just is, what happens in this life is the kid that's a jerk, only sticks around for so long. And they might rise for a little while. But in the end, people really want to be around people who make them feel good about who they are, who allow them to live a life that feels successful. And not that there's ever bumps in the road. Not that those kids will never be alone on a weekend. But even when they are, they can still feel good about who they are.

17:38

I love that you had a post recently that talked about kind of the trend or the normalcy of roasting friends or having this sarcasm. And I think that's so important. I see this in adults too. But especially it kind of starts in those preteen and teen years. And social media only makes it worse of having these conversations of just ragging on your friends and your post specifically what I loved about it, it said no one likes that. And even when you think that it's like funny, and it's normal, no one is like, you know what, that was so cool when I was being made fun of. So what are some ways that you can relate that back to some of these manners? Is there a manner that relates to that within the book? Or is it just again, this kind of general culture and conversation of being kind and having the right kind of framework and resources to do so? Yeah,

18:29

there was one manner, I can't remember if it's in the teen book one or two, but it says, if you have to say no offense, or just kidding, after what you've just said, Don't say it. Right, that's good. If you have to either preface it or postlude it with the idea that you were just kidding, or don't take offense to that or I wasn't being serious, then maybe rethink what you're about to say. There's a lot of manners in all of the books about being a clear communicator. And I think that's one of the things that can be really helpful. I also think being able to stand up for yourself, when someone is doing that on the post someone brought up a really important idea is that we also need to teach our kids to let things roll that we don't need to be offended all the time that we can laugh at ourselves. I think that's a really important other side of the situation. And there's one of the manners in the books is forgive because teenagers are going to have so many instances where someone does something that's unkind to them, and where they do something that's unkind to someone else. And so that just having the ability to forgive to love someone any way to look past someone faults or a bad day. But then there's also a mentor in there that says find new friends. If your friends aren't consistently the word is consistently making you feel bad about yourself, making fun of you, making you feel like you don't belong, and it's happening on a regular basis. It's time to find new friends. And that's probably one of the most important matters And one that I have the most feedback from, because parents say my kid didn't even know it was an option that they could leave this friend group and find new friends until we had a discussion about it as a family. And they realized, Wait, I don't have to be in a situation like this, I can choose something better. I

20:17

think that is so important for kids and adults, right? Because we think this is so scary to leave what's comfortable are these people are my friends and it's aren't they really is it really the best fit for you. And it doesn't even have to be these kinds of more dramatic situations of bullying, it can just be that isn't necessarily the best fit for you. So I think that is so important. Now, as a mom of younger kids, I have this kind of thought in the back of my head of this balance between this kind of helicopter parenting and leading and making sure you're looking out but also giving your kids the space. And I think that your example of the conversation versus just leaving the book on the counter is an example of that. But let's say that they can doesn't start flipping through it, they don't start taking action. And you really need to figure out how to lead and prompt this a little bit more. What is that balance between? Okay, we're gonna sit down and have new manners in this family and kind of nurturing this in a different way.

21:18

Are you talking about younger kids? Or teenagers? Or both? Let's do both. Let's

21:23

do separate. Yeah, okay, just

21:24

okay. So when we're talking about teenagers, some of the most effective ways I have seen this happen is assigning your teenager to teach these manners to the younger kids in your family. So saying, You're so mature, you've seen so many of these things, we're going to have you teach the younger kids all about their manners that they should know, that is really empowering is especially to attune on the younger end. A couple other ways I've seen that are really effective, before a teenager gets a smartphone requiring both manners books to be read and discussed. The impetus behind that is, if I'm going to give you $1,000 device that allows you to be whomever you'd like to be in this world. I want to make sure that you're prepared, I want to make sure that you don't crash and burn when you're given this type of independence and freedom. So I think that is so smart. There's something on the other side of it, it's very motivating. And there's a really good reason behind it. Just one of the manners that's up right now it's it says don't share hurtful things, sharing a screenshot of an unkind text or retelling something you rude that you heard about a person is not being a good friend that was just up in our house, that's just a really good reminder. Because kids, it seems to get those cell phones start screenshotting and sending things out without really thinking of ramifications. And there's a lot of technology manners in both of the books for young kids. I love the idea of just making it fun. One of my readers, they do manners and movies every Friday night, instead of making it this like, oh, we have to do a manner. It's really fun. Every Friday night, they do a manor. And then they watch a movie together. And they have popcorn, and they have treats. And it's a really fun time. I will say that for the kids manners book. It's targeted to kids ages four to 12. And I have not heard of one family whose kids do not enjoy doing it. They feel empowered, they feel in the know, on the back, there's role plays to do and discussions to have, they get to show what they're doing. There's a challenge for each manner that the family gets to do together. I love the idea of if your kids are young enough where it's motivational to say, hey, every time I kept you using this manner, this week, I'm giving you a quarter or a point on your chart, or whatever you do to motivate your kids. And then if our whole family can do this, by the end of the week, we're going to get sodas or ice cream or whatever that is making it more of a family affair instead of something where parents like you didn't do that we talked about not saying hurtful things, you just didn't do that it's a lot more about positive reinforcement

24:00

that is so key. And I'm thinking of my own kids like it does become like this gamified thing, they're having so much fun with it, and what they can earn and how they can show up and having that self ownership. Now, in those approaches in having multiple kids, there's this kind of concept of like parenting kids differently based off of who they are. I would love to know how this has shown up for you just in general with your kids or through this book in the manners of knowing that different kids need a different approach. And I can see how that can be really challenging as the kids grow, where maybe another child is like you didn't make Johnny do it that way or he didn't do it that way you didn't see it. So what are some of the ways to navigate that when you know it just has to look different, maybe based off of personalities or just general capability for different kids.

24:51

There's an overarching question about that, that I would love to speak to one of the things that we gathered our kids together when one of our kids was having an especially hard time, which meant that a lot of things in our home, he was getting the free pass on for just a little bit. And as we gathered them together, we told them that we had to rally right now for him and things weren't going to look fair. But we wanted them to know that to our family is that we will be there for each other, no matter what someone needs, and that we will rally for every single one of them. And that sometimes will mean that the other brothers won't get quite as much attention, because they're in need of it right then. And we ask them to trust us that we love them all so much that we were absolutely committed to giving each of them what they needed in that specific time. That works a little bit better for an older family who was not keeping track and can understand some of those nuances. As we did. That was a really beautiful experience for our family, as everyone chose to rally around the person that needed that love and help and support for that time. For me, that's what family is about. Yeah, much less about fairness, and much more about equity, where people are getting exactly what they need. For the younger group of kids. I really think just being in tune and aware, knowing their love language, knowing what motivates them. If money boat motivates one kid and a treat motivates another be fine about saying, Okay, you guys hear all the rewards that I thought of you choose which one's gonna work for you somewhat just some just want praise. Some just want to be noticed others. One of the reasons why I made the team book, the way I did is because my kids are so different. And I knew that some of them wouldn't want to sit in a kumbaya moment and talk about it. So I needed it to be able to be just seen and taken in on their terms. Others were really motivated by connection. And I knew that was something that would be fun for them. And so I really wanted to make sure that every family if they bought this book that would be valuable and useful in a way that would work for their family.

27:01

I love that. And for those that aren't watching this on YouTube, and just listening, it's like a desk calendar. It's like a flip chart that sits up on the table. And I think for your point of it's for them to take in when they're able to but also we live in a day and age where there's so many distractions, and so many things that are coming at us all day. So to have this constant that's there. And I don't know where you keep yours. But I feel like I would keep it in our kitchen or like our dining room where people are going to be every day I know someone's going to be there. Yeah, as you can see this every time they walk in the kitchen, they get a snack, it's there, you don't really have much of a choice. I think that's really great. And I think that's maybe a follow up question, is there a place of home that you highly recommend? It said,

27:44

Yeah, I just exactly like you said anywhere that it would be hard not to read it. So families do it in all kinds of places, like right on the kitchen table, if they're going to do it as like a discussion on a Sunday night. For those that do manners and movies, it's right under their TV. And that's where they place that I have other people who put it in the bathroom, because there's not as much going on in the bathroom. And their kids actually end up reading the manners book, for those who have kids who are very different ages. So some have like young kids and old kids, one of the things they like to do is maybe work on one of the books together, and then put the teen one in the teenagers room and let them take it in on their own. With a mom, sometimes we'll go flip it and make sure that it's getting read. And then they do the kids one together as a family or let the teenager teach the kids one. There's so many really effective ways to use it. And one of the things that was really important to me is that parents are busy families are busy, we always we read these awesome books and these great parenting books. And then three days later, we can't remember what we read and what we were supposed to do. And I didn't want that to be the case with this book, I wanted it to be something that would stay available and be reinforced double. And I think it's been really effective for families who choose to keep it out and keep it displayed and use it.

29:06

I love that. I think that's so true. So we were talking about earlier about giving kids the space to have the ability to have their own opinions, their own beliefs and their own judgments and move forward. But I also want to talk a little bit about the concept of having self boundaries. And sometimes I think that when we put these different ideas of how to show up in society into someone's brain, that's important and I 100% I'm here for it. But I can think of people I know as adults and also kids, where they start to prioritize how everyone else is feeling over themselves, and how they're showing up in a room and what they're putting out and not just how they're looking out for me as an individual. Where do you see these skill sets allow these kids to equally be able to be strong and who they are, but maybe also have the moments in the times where it's you know, at that point Since feelings actually might be hurt or misunderstood, and that's okay, because we have to, like turn inward. Where do you find those balances?

30:07

So I'll so in the kids book, I'll redo a manner that said, Be polite with food. So sometimes you'll be served food you don't like, it's okay not to like it. But you can still be polite. If someone asks if you would like a food you don't care for, don't say That's gross, or I hate that. Think about how that would make them feel, you can simply say, No, thank you. If you've been given something you don't enjoy, just push it to the side of your plate and eat what you do. Like, it's possible to have an opinion, and still be kind. So I hope that so good addresses what you're talking about. And then on the bat, what I love about these matters is this as a starting point for a family to have a conversation, I don't give you do this, don't do that. Do this, don't do that. It's really now you get to sit together and you can say, hey, you have celiac. So you will have to be pretty careful when it comes to food. And you know that it's definitely okay for you to say, I have celiac, I can't eat that. So those are okay. But in this manner, they were able to say, I don't like that food, and they're able to be kind. Then on the back. There's role plays. And this is where there's so much room for you to talk about what the nuances of this matter look like. You're at your friend's house, and they asked if you would like to have a snack, but you don't like what they are serving. What should you do? As a family, you can decide what does that look like? You're having dinner at grandma's and she puts everything on your plate, there is one food you don't really like, what should you do? Grandma? That's disgusting. Don't put that on my plate. I hate that. No, push it to the side, don't eat it, your mom makes a dinner that isn't your favorite. What could you say when you sit down to eat really, this isn't about exactly what they should do and exactly what they shouldn't do. It really is about being aware, being respectful and being kind. And you can still have all your body boundaries, all your preferences, all your individualism and still do that. I

32:03

love that. And I think it's kind of reminds me of a bowling lane, right? Like you're having these bumpers and these boundaries. But it's kind of where's it gonna go in between. And that is actually super applicable to real life. And we're setting the kids up for success. Because they're not robots, like we talked about before, they're able to take these different role plays and situations and framework and say, here's how I'm going to show up in all these different scenarios in life. And I get to make it my own. It can sound my way, we can have our family boundaries around it. But we have this concept of how to do it with respect and kindness. And definitely the world could use a little more of that. So I think that's really great. Now, the other thing that I find really intriguing about your book, and especially for teen is it's teaching concepts before they're in that situation. So when we were talking about how to order when you go out to eat even, for example, I was thinking about how one of my kids was born during COVID. And my two year olds not ordering for themselves yet, but he probably would try to be honest. But there are certain scenarios that maybe a person hasn't run into yet. And we're really setting them up for success when they get there. What are some of the other examples that are in the book of things that maybe aren't applicable to a family or a child in the moment, but you have seen how it showed up where then when that kid is in that scenario, they're like, Oh, I'm prepared for this. I've been waiting for this moment, I can

33:27

share one from each of the books. So in the kid one, I thought it was really cool. I actually just got this message today where a mom said she her daughter, she's nine, she was planning her birthday party. And the mom was trying to help her understand that she shouldn't talk about that birthday party on the bus and at school. And her daughter was really pushing back on that, like, why why does that matter? I don't, it doesn't matter. Nobody cares if I'm having a birthday party. And she opened up to the manner that said, Make fun plans privately. And it gave the why behind it and why that's important. And after they read the manner, she was like, oh, okay, I'll just wait to talk about it with the friends that I'm inviting. And she felt so prepared. And she was able to be aware and kind to the other people who work like to be invited to the birthday party. When it comes to the teen book, there are so many but one of them that is like a fan favorite, for sure is the way you smell matters. This talks about brushing your teeth, using deodorant, taking showers. I know that sometimes sounds silly to people who don't have teen. But for some reason, it can be a really contentious topic. A parent can say hey, you need to get in a shower, and then all of a sudden, you think I smell you don't like the way I look. You think I'm gross. You think I'm dirty? And you're like, Whoa, I'm actually just trying to prepare you to live a life where people don't want to move away from you. So something like that. We talked about the idea of don't leave this one person out. Maybe they've had this awesome friend group for their whole lives. And then all of a sudden somebody says, Oh, we don't like her anymore, and maybe if they hadn't learned about Not leaving just one person out there would say, Okay, let's just not invite her. Instead, they're getting in front of that. There's one that talks about making room. If you're in a group of people and someone walks up to your group of people, open your circle and make room, let them come into that group, things that teenagers probably just truly don't even think about, about one about making and managing their own appointments. This is for a little older teen, but something that they can get started on really early. I'm hearing about college students who are still having their moms do their class schedule and call professors and make their health appointments. Even though parents are no longer allowed to do that after you turn 18. There's definitely a little bit of a gap. There's another manner that talks about declining kindly. So don't just ignore and ghost people. Just let them know why you that you can't make it. So it gives them suggestions, things like, thanks so much for the invite. I'm sorry, I can't make it. A lot of teens think that's rude. But it's actually more unkind to just leave someone on read and never reply. So they can't make another plan. Truly, I feel like almost every manner in all three of my books, prepare kids for situations that they will have, and allow them to feel so much more confident and capable. Because they have a plan. Yeah. Okay. You brought

36:15

up a question for me, what if the other partner or parent is not on board? And I'd love for you to answer this from two approaches, if it's a shared household or a non shared household. So if you're doing something in your house, but you have your kids going to another household for part of their time, or in the shared household, for some reason, we want to understand the underlying Gen Con, kindness, respect and whatnot. But if there's some reason that a partner is just not on board with this, with bringing in this new culture into the family, how can you navigate that.

36:52

So I think it's easier in a non shared household because there's so many things that are different when parents are either divorced or just not together. And so this would just be one of them. And, and if it were me, I would, if that were the case, I would do everything I could to gamify it and make it fun. So it's something that they feel motivated about and excited to when they're with you. I do think, especially with kids that are young opportunities for connection with a parent or things that they crave. And I think it's really something that would go well, pretty much no no matter what, especially in those younger ages, teens can be a little bit of a tough sell. Maybe it's something that you just put out for a moment. So in a shared host household, I think this is tricky. If you feel very differently, I'm sure there's things that you've felt differently about before. So I would navigate it in that same way. If they're just more apathetic and don't want to be on board, I think you can make it something really fun. That's like a mom and Kid moment or a dad and Kid moment. Maybe you decide to go get ice cream every Friday night and talk about one of the manners in a car. I've also seen, this is actually really cool. There's a mom who does manners and muffins for carpool because they have a decent drive to a school. And so she brings muffins and like they do the manner in the car. So it's less about family. And it's just more about friends and learning some of those skills. So I think there's a lot of ways to navigate if it's not working for both of you. If it's like they don't agree and they hate it. That could get a little tricky, and I wish I had better advice for that. Yeah,

38:27

that is definitely tough. Okay, before I get into my final question or two, where can everyone find you? We're definitely going to link the books down below. Where can they start implementing these different systems into our household and follow you on social media

38:38

on social media? I'm Brooke Romney writes, we have truly I think the best community on the internet, people who are interested in open minded and supportive so I'd love for you to join me there, I'm really active there. And then my books are all on Amazon and easy to order and two day shipping and all the good stuff. So

38:56

good. Now you've accomplished a lot as a mom, as a woman, supporting other families. What is something that you're really lit up or excited about in this season, especially at the beginning of the year, and really looking into that you have taken on the grandma role. You have some transitions in the age of your kids and you're nowhere near empty nesting yet, but you're getting to the different seasons of life. What are some of the things that are lighting you up right now

39:21

some of the things that are lighting me up when it comes to my family is really choosing to be more intentional with my time with them. One of the beauties of kids growing up is that you realize how quickly the time goes. And it allows you to take more advantage of the time that you have. My youngest is 12 he already loves being with friends and is busy and so really working on making the most of the moments that we have together. Our family loves to travel and adventure together. Those are some of our favorite things to do. On the business front. I am working on another book and I love being able to see the positive changes that come about Because of parents who are willing to be intentional, I'm working on a school curriculum that will include videos and posters for teachers to use. We have a ton of teachers using Modern Manners in their classroom. And I'm excited to make it more accessible and allow them to check some boxes when it comes to curriculum and Common Core too. So

40:18

good. I love that. So before someone gets the book in their hands, even with Amazon shipping, it's going to take a day or two, for the whole thing to come along. When someone gets off this call today, what is one action that they could take to really tiptoe into this culture into their household? Let's do one example for older kids and one for younger kids to take that first action for

40:39

the younger kids, I would actually I would do the same thing for both. Okay, if a parent can, I would start noticing and vocalizing the good things that your kids do. That will really help you get excited about who your kids are. And it will help create a relationship that will make them more willing to listen to you and connect with you over important things. I

41:00

love that. So good. Brooke, thank you so much for your time today. I cannot wait for our community get this book in their hands. It is so great. And so everyone take a moment and figure out how Modern Manners is going to apply into your family. And I think just as the final question is we see you head off, Brooke. If someone is just having a hard time with the manners, you've given us so much feedback into the kindness and the respect and anything else. What is one way that they could verbalize a sentence you said it this at the beginning if you can repeat it for us as they bring it into their household to say, this is why i Mom and so excited about to bring this in here to our family.

41:38

I'm excited because I am passionate about helping each of you live the most successful life possible. And I know that that happens when you are aware, connected and kind and I think this book can help us all do that a little bit

41:53

better. Awesome. Thank you so much. Thanks, Kelsey. You your story and what you have to offer this world builds me up. I want to meet you join me on Instagram at this is Kelsey Smith. And let's create a ripple effect for mamas with goals together is better

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