When Jeremy first reached out to Family Twist, his email stopped us in our tracks. The pain, the longing, the strength—it was all there in his words. In this raw and unforgettable episode, Jeremy shares the first part of his life story: a childhood marked by instability, abuse, and the aching absence of family identity.

"Brace for Impact": Surviving Trauma and Searching for Identity

Born from an affair, Jeremy was raised by a mother struggling with addiction and severe mental health issues. He endured emotional and physical abuse, neglect, and an ever-changing last name as men cycled in and out of their lives. With no father in sight, and a mother who viewed him more as a weapon than a son, Jeremy’s early years were filled with fear and confusion.

But even in the darkest corners, Jeremy found light. Music became his refuge. His innate charm became a survival tool. And while he spent his teenage years couch-hopping and navigating life without consistent love or safety, the dream of finding his real family—the people who looked like him, sounded like him, belonged to him—never truly disappeared.

In this first part of Jeremy’s journey, we explore:

The lifelong effects of in utero and childhood trauma

How music and performance became lifelines

Surviving parental neglect and emotional abandonment

The deep yearning to know where—and who—you come from

How internalized fear of rejection shapes adult relationships

Jeremy’s story is heartbreaking, brave, and deeply human. It’s also just the beginning.

Stay tuned for Part 2, where a chance encounter at a wedding leads to a stunning discovery—and the beginning of a love story no one saw coming.

Jeremy: Jeremy, welcome to the Family Twist podcast.

Jeremy: Thank you guys for having me.

Corey: Absolutely. So listeners, Jeremy sent us an email a little ways back, that was so heartfelt and just sort of chilling, you know, it kind of sent chills up my spine. and so first I just wanna say thank you for your bravery for even just sharing your story with us.

Jeremy: I appreciate it. Thank you.

Corey: So, I imagine a lot of this isn't the easiest stuff to talk about, but, you know, you're still just kind of going through all the different emotions and stuff. it's relatively fresh. Although the story begins back to your childhood. Can you talk a little bit about what it was like, growing up?

Jeremy: Yeah. So, child of a Single Mother who is an addict. Um, I. Pills. From what I know of alcohol, was married many times, my last name has been changed many times according to who she was married to. And I guess I got adopted into that last name. the last name on my birth certificate, I have no idea who that is.

Jeremy: Jeremy Edward Russ. obviously she had a lot of instability in her life. at her job, she had an affair with a married man. I was a result of that. from what I know from researching about my childhood through, my new family that I discovered,

Jeremy: She was extremely unstable during the pregnancy. Tried to commit suicide twice with me inside of her. I truly believe in utero trauma is real. she spent, many times terrorizing this man and his family of, you don't wanna see your child and outside of their house, and cops being called, she was finally institutionalized after I was born.

Jeremy: I don't know who took care of me. she traumatized this man's family as well with, their children in the house, my siblings. fast forwarding, I don't remember a lot of the first few years. I just remember it was just me and her.

Jeremy: I was told there was a lot of men in and out of her life, in and out of our tiny little apartment in, in Baltimore city. I did find one of the names that I had, the last names that I had, Jeremy Edward Schafer. I found him through my DNA searching and internet sleuthing, that they were married about six months after I was born.

Jeremy: But I contacted him. He was a very nice man. I just was trying to get some data about what my childhood was like. and I asked him, you know, he, you know, he said he was, he was very fond of me and, seemed like a good standup man.

Jeremy: And I finally asked him, did you witness any abuse? And unfortunately he said yes. and he said, I begged her to let me take you to the hospital and she wouldn't let me. And back then in the seventies, a stepfather of six months probably didn't have a lot of rights to do much of anything, even stop her.

Jeremy: So they didn't last very long. And I was like one years old at the time, that they were together and that, he witnessed some of these beatings. I remember in my childhood being left at the table for hours on end because she served some kind of disgusting dish that no kid wants to eat, like, liver or something. she would torture me with that. many other beatings. she even has pictures of me. I remember being black and blue, which I'm not really sure why anyone would keep that. she got married again when I was eight, which is the last name I have now, that marriage ended in divorce as well.

Jeremy: So, you know, I really never had any identity. horrific beatings, in my, you know, mid preteens and teens. She was very fond of a red ping pong paddle and the wooden spoons that like your grandma would stir spaghetti sauce with and her hand, you know, her fist.

Jeremy: I tell this story a lot. I always had a brace for impact, feeling in my chest, that tightness you get in your chest. to this day, that's where all my anxiety goes. That's where all my stress goes. after a lot of therapy and writing my own book, or continuing to try to write my own book, you know, I used to, have to help my mother of 6, 7, 8 years old steer the car she was driving because she was, I don't know why she thought she could always drive a car drunk.

Jeremy: and I would help her steer because we were rearing into a parked car, and I would, gently put the steering wheel back up. she slapped my hand away as I would see her nodding off, and that happened millions of times, you know, that. So that brace for impact, is always, unfortunately central to my childhood and into my adulthood.

Corey: did you ever find out, like, or do you have any theories as to why she was the way she was? Did you know your grandparents at all, or?

Jeremy: So, unfortunately my grandfather died when I was one. This is on her side. Her father, I do know that he was, an amazing man, a wonderful singer. I'm very musical as well. I believe it's come down through the family. he died when I was one, unfortunately, very good Catholic. Even his obituary said he survived by my mother and me and my grandmother and all of Baltimore will miss him.

Jeremy: This was a good man. I do believe my grandmother had, some mental health issues too, as I've done a lot of research over the last few years. I don't think she really ever left the house. she was very, very strict and protective of my mother. And then, you know, my mother lost her father when she was 26 years old.

Jeremy: And I just think it was the straw that broke the camel's back for her. She's never been the same. she would drag me to the cemetery and I would sit in the car for hours as she weeped over his grave. And I'm six, seven years old again. he was a good man and probably the central part of her trying to stay focused on being good or at least, trying to, do as much as she could to overcome her own trauma.

Jeremy: I did see my grandmother throughout my childhood, you know, maybe once a week. And I did believe she was a bit of my savior for those couple days that I had with her. She was a lot of fun. but I could always taste the tension not only in the air or when, my mother would be coming back to pick me up on Sundays and she would be hours and hours late.

Jeremy: My grandmother would be pacing or she'd be looking out the storm door of her little bra to Baltimore row home back in, up and, you know, back up and down the street looking for her to finally show up. And then my mother would show up in a, pair of sunglasses at night, slurred words. She wore sunglasses to hide her glassy eyes.

Jeremy: You get it? And, you know, that's how that brace for impact kind of feeling has always stuck with me. It grew from all of those type of traumatic events. So I felt bad and I still feel bad for my grandmother even though she's gone. nobody needs to be treated that way or just live in that type of walk on eggshells all year, life, every minute of the day.

Jeremy: Somebody di when somebody who is so abusive and narcissistic can dictate how you feel. it's not fair at all.

Corey: How old were you when you finally escaped that situation?

Jeremy: I ran away many times as a teenager. luckily, I've learned a lot in therapy over the last five years and still continue to learn really in intensive therapy. she didn't really cook a lot. I'm pretty small and thin for a guy. I had my own issues with eating, but I've realized that, I just survived off of what was in the fridge or cereal was my go-to as maybe many of us was as kids.

Jeremy: And I think my brain at that crucial time just realized that food wasn't a source. of energy or surviving. So I found other ways, and those ways were music. I studied jazz, most of my, childhood into high school and college, and found my voice, picked up the guitar, and that's what I do now.

Jeremy: music was a good escape for me. It allowed me to, and I excelled at it. And I got the spotlight, which was great. You know, finally, someone sees me, they can hear me. they appreciate this talent that I have. And it was beautiful adoration, for someone like me who never bonded with anyone, especially their mother, at that crucial time, an infant needs to bond.

Jeremy: And then the other thing is that, I was good at talking to people, even at a young age. I found my charm like that, and it was my survival instinct. I made a lot of friends. I made a lot of girlfriends. and when I ran away, all the moms loved me because I just knew how to charm.

Jeremy: it's how I had to survive. Well, if my mother's not gonna love me, then I'm gonna figure out how others can quickly,

Kendall: Hmm.

Jeremy: so I spent a lot of time on couches at my friend's house that their mothers would take me in. I, I worked at a hospital in Baltimore, in my teenage years, just like in the kitchen, in the lab, and there's a lot of soccer moms there that knew something was going on, and I confided in them who would live with them off and on.

Jeremy: My mother would always beg me to come back. And while she was screaming at the woman who took me in, or the mom who took me in, where's my son? Where's my son? And I always wanted a relationship with my mother. I mean, there was no other. Can we cuss on this podcast? I mean, there's no other fucking person in my life besides my mother.

Jeremy: I mean, I don't wanna do this alone. I'm just a kid. she'd begged me to come back. She would promise me she wouldn't drink or beat me. and I wanted to believe her, and I did believe her. But it only lasted a week, maybe or two, and then she'd back in rehab or whatever. And so it was that back and forth at yo-yo.

Jeremy: And then, you know, finally, I was basically out by the time I was 18. Just had some few clothes there that I would go in and grab and sneak in and grab if I needed them. You know, I found my charm and it worked, you know, and I'm really familiar with IFS and parts and in internal family systems and all of our parts to our personality

Jeremy: You know, there's parts of my personality that said, need to bond with someone when you're a kid, you know? And if you can't bond with a parent, then we're gonna figure out how do you can use what you have. Maybe it's your charm to bond. And, while that worked as a kid, the whole, I'm gonna charm you before you reject me.

Jeremy: Philosophy that was in instilled in me as a child. I used it all my life. it doesn't create healthy behaviors as an adult, you know? because I'll do everything I can to connect with you as quickly as possible. So I feel secure in a relationship with the woman behind the grocery counter. I mean, it doesn't matter, you know, because the thought of rejection or abandonment is too much for my head to wrap itself around.

Jeremy: I had a mother who rejected me for her, her addiction, and I had a father who abandoned me at birth because he was married. So, my life is, is, is been built around trying not to get rejected or abandoned by anyone I meet. And as an adult, I realize that's not healthy and continue to work through finding the more authentic person behind the kid who's trying to re, you know, charm you before you reject me or abandon me.

Jeremy: and it's always a day-to-day process.

Corey: I would imagine that just because there was a, this, you know, men in and out of, her life and sort of father figures for you, maybe as a kid you weren't really thinking about finding your birth father. And you know, obviously when 18 years old, you know, we didn't have ancestry.com, it would've been a challenge to, you know, to find him.

Jeremy: Mm-hmm.

Corey: So at what point did you think, you know, I would like some answers. I don't know what's going on with the, my birth father's side of the family.

Jeremy: I just wanna say one thing and then we'll fast forwardshe had a lot of men in her life. I don't remember a lot of them because there were so many when I was such a young kid, but, none of them were, I would call a father figure. They, they, they never stopped the abuse or anything.

Jeremy: They were just in her life. they were nice to me, but they never stopped any of it. So, you know, they probably had their own trauma as well. fast forward. luckily my biological father, the man she had an affair with, did write her a check to shut her up. that was kept with lawyers and it's a small amount back then, but it was enough to send me to four years of state school and a Catholic high school,

Jeremy: If I didn't do any of that, I wouldn't be here talking to you today. it gave me focus and it made me, that's where I discovered I was pretty damn good at jazz and saxophone. And it gave me that elation and that adoration that I used to at least survive. So anyway, started a family, met my wife, who's my rock.

Jeremy: And my girls were 19 and 17 at the time, and they said, listen, why, why don't we know anything about you? You know, we don't know any of your family, that you never talk about any of it. And I'm like. You know what? You're old enough. this is before I started therapy or anything. You're old enough. My heart's been dying to tell you.

Jeremy: And I said, listen, this is all I know about my father. This is his name and his picture. It's all I was given. And, I never went down that road to find out anything else because I'll be honest. You don't want me, I don't fucking want you. Fuck off. You know, you don't want me, so I don't want you. There's no reason to research anything.

Jeremy: It's just gonna send me down a road of com, more drama. Oh, you have a beautiful family. Great. I'm not part of it. Oh my God. Everyone's successful and rich. Oh my god, I'm not part of it. You know? him and his family are very well to-do in Baltimore. and I always dreamed that he had kids.

Jeremy: so I always dreamed of siblings. So I tell that to my kids. Here's my father's name and picture. And 20 seconds later, they pick up their phone and they find my brother. My other brother and my sister. And again, I could have done all that with a five minute Google search, but there's no way I was gonna, it's too painful, you know?

Jeremy: And I overhear some girl who I know through a friend. She's a friend of a friend. I've met her before. Say that she went to a certain high school in Baltimore. Now listen, those six months, me and my wife are going back and forth. I'm stalking the hell out of my siblings online. I'm finding everything about 'em.

Jeremy: Everything is beautiful, everything is exciting. it's lovely, you know, I'm getting to know them while they have no idea I exist. So this woman, Emily, I overhear her say that she went to a certain high school in Baltimore. And because I cyber stalked my siblings, I knew it was the same freaking high school. Never even heard of this high school before. I started researching my siblings. And I say, Emily, did you just say blah, blah blah school? She's like, yeah. And I said, do you know this family last name? And I said, the family last name of my siblings and my father, yeah, I graduated with so and so and so and so.

Jeremy: She named my brothers. And I'm like, what the fuck is happening right now again? Go white and lose my shit.

Kendall: Mm-hmm.

Jeremy: I said, you're the only person that knows my siblings on this earth that I know, and they don't know I exist. So a bottle of wine later, I tell her the story and she convinces me, and I'm still fucking getting goosebumps right now as I tell this to you.

Jeremy: She convinces me, I have every right to know who I am, my lineage, who looks like me, who sounds like me. I have every right.

Corey: Yep.

Jeremy: And so, you know, those last few weeks in December before the wedding, in January, I decided to spit in a cup and send it off to Ancestry and keep everything private.

Jeremy: It was just me doing some more sleuthing, you know, and it was with me. It was my proof to say. I've connected the dots and I'm not off on some wacky trail and listen, spitting in the cup, the DNA proved everything. Thankfully my siblings put their stuff up online on Ancestry. They had beautiful family trees.

Jeremy: I was discovering grandparents and great grandparents and uncles. And I discovered where I came from in Europe and the fact that I'm more Jewish than I am German. and you know, the other couple percents of what I am. and it was beautiful, to just see people that I never even knew existed before in pictures of them.

Jeremy: it was eye-opening and lovely. You know, when you don't know anything about yourself, you have no identity. it was fun. Really was. I mean, most of these people in the tree are dead, but I'm related to them and I can say, I had a grandfather and name was this, Oh my God, I look like this person when I was a kid.

Jeremy: It's fascinating. So, over the weekend after I talked to Emily at the wedding, I turned my profile from private to public, and I knew what the fuck was gonna go down. You know, you get pinged, you get emails.

Jeremy: January 13th, I get an ancestry message from my cousin who I could see in the family tree, and I, God knows why. I hadn't looked at my phone for hours, but by the time I picked it up Monday night, there was three messages from her in the ancestry. First one's like, Hey, it seems like we're related. you know, if you wanna chat. And then the second one, an hour later was like, I pretty sure I know how we're related.

Jeremy: what she figured out is her uncle, her mother's brother, my father, my sibling's father had a baby outta wedlock. Nobody fucking knew about it. So she was telling me, yeah, hey, I'm think I, I think I figured it out.

Jeremy: Read, read between the lines. If you wanna talk. And I'm, my God, I, I looked down and I'm like, I have someone with my blood actually communicating to me right now. You know, you gotta remember a lot of DNA stories are like, oh, great, I have another brother. I have another half brother. That's great. Adam, to the list.

Jeremy: Oh, I have another cousin. That's wonderful. I got nothing. Nothing I. I don't know who looks like me. I don't know who sounds like me. I don't know why I had curly hair most of my life getting older. It straightening out, but all of it, nothing. So everything is a first for me. It's a beautiful first. And I got someone who has my blood, who actually it looks like me from her profile pic talking to me right now. So of course I immediately text her back through Ancestry. Hi Catherine.

Jeremy: I'm like, did you really figure it out? Yes. And I'm still kind of seeing if she really knows. And she says, you're so-and-so's son.

Jeremy: You're my uncle's son. I'm like, yep. This was my mother. She wasn't a nice person. I believe she worked for him. I knew he existed all my life just because my mother gave me his name Oh my God. We chatted for like two or three hours over ancestry till like one in the morning.

Jeremy: I come to figure out, her sister was like texting her questions to ask me while I was talking to her over her ancestry over this whole thing. You know, it was kind of getting known in the family a little bit. And she said, do you want to meet? And I'm like, oh my God, you have no idea how much I want to meet. And meanwhile my wife is sleeping next to me, has no fucking idea any of this is going down. she knew I did the spit in the cup. She knew I was, I turned things profile up, you know, private to pub public. She knew shit was gonna go down soon. And I, I, she wakes up and I'm like, you're, I have no fucking idea.

Jeremy: This is what happened. But I'm talking to my cousin and I'm meeting her for dinner tonight.

Jeremy: She was in Baltimore, area. Most of the family, was still in Baltimore. My siblings, one of my siblings was in Baltimore. The other one is in Phoenix.

Jeremy: And the other one, my sister is in New York. But, so I'm losing my shit all day. I can't think, can't do anything. I had this meeting at the high school where I was the fundraising chair for the music department. and I'm like, all right, we gotta make this meeting quick 'cause you guys have no idea what's going on.

Jeremy: And I don't even remember if we accomplished anything. I'm like, I'm out. You guys do whatever you wanna do. But I gotta meet my blood for the very first time. And, I was late, unfortunately, because of the meeting, and I'm texting Ka you know, Kathy, I'm coming. She's like, cool.

Jeremy: I walk into this great restaurant in my hometown, play a ton of gigs there, and it's my bar, it's my wife, and you know, it's our neighborhood bar. Everyone knows us. And I would've felt, I feel comfortable there, you know, and I walk in and I see these two beautiful Jewish women looking at me this fucking crowded room of people. And I just know it's them. And they're so fucking, like, beautiful. And they look like me. And their hair color is similar. And we have the same eyebrows and. I mean, you don't know. You can't explain something like that.

Jeremy: You can't understand when you don't know where you come from or why you're put on this fucking earth with an attic who beats the fuck outta you. And with no father in your life. You're like, what the fuck? Really? This is, this is really my existence, you know?

Jeremy: I'm shaken telling you this now. it's reliving. It is a beautiful, traumatic experience. we talk and we cry and I tell them everything about my childhood and, they tell me about theirs and they tell me about the other people in the family. and at the end of this two hour dinner where they're closing up and we're still there trying to finish our meal, which is cold now. I probably had more old fashions that night than I should have.