Shownotes
Have you ever stopped to wonder if the person you think you are... is actually the person you had to become to survive?
In this week's Tammy's Takes, I'm reflecting on one of the most thought-provoking ideas from my conversation with author Megan DeMatteo, and taking it one step further. As adult children, many of us spend years believing that our people-pleasing, perfectionism, anxiety, hypervigilance, or difficulty trusting others is simply part of our personality. But what if those behaviors aren't your identity at all? What if they're survival strategies your nervous system developed to keep you safe?
In this episode, I invite you to look beneath those patterns and ask a powerful question that I often use with my coaching clients:
"Who would I be if I no longer believed I had to survive?"
Together, we'll explore how childhood experiences shape the beliefs we carry into adulthood, why those beliefs often feel like who we are, and how healing begins when we separate our authentic self from the adaptations that once protected us. I'll also guide you through a simple reflective exercise that can help you reconnect with the person underneath the fear, the people-pleasing, the perfectionism, and the constant need to prove your worth.
If you've ever felt like you've lost yourself while trying to keep everyone else happy, this episode is for you. My hope is that you'll walk away with more compassion for yourself, a deeper understanding of your survival patterns, and the reminder that you are not broken—you adapted.
If you're ready to go deeper, I'd love to help you continue your healing journey. My signature course, Trials to Triumph: An Adult Child's Beginning Roadmap to Your Healing Journey, is available for 90% off with coupon code THRIVE25.
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As an international inspirational speaker, NLP Practitioner, Trauma-Informed Coach, Neurofit Trainer, and Best-Selling Author, I bring both deep personal experience and professional training to the work I do. I believe in prevention, not just intervention — and use a body, mind, and spirit approach to guide others toward becoming the happiest, healthiest versions of themselves.
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Transcripts
Well, hello, everybody, and welcome back
to another episode of Tammy's Takes.
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:So as you know, these episodes are
based off of my amazing interviews
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:with our guests, and this episode
is based off my conversation
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:that I had with Megan DiMatteo.
5
:She kept saying something, and you know I
get off these podcasts and I'm like, "Oh
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:my God, there's so much more I wanna say.
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:I could talk to these
people forever and ever."
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:But what we talked about was something
that she said that really stuck with
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:me, and I kept thinking how many of us
make the mistake of thinking that our
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:survival personality is who we really are?
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:, Think about that.
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:How many of us do that?
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:If you grew up walking on
eggshells, let's say maybe you
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:became the peacemaker, right?
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:If you were constantly criticized,
maybe you became the perfectionist.
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:If you never felt emotionally
safe, maybe you became the
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:person who never asks for help.
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:If love felt unpredictable,
what could you have done?
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:Maybe you became the people pleaser.
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:Here's what's interesting We do
these things for so long that
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:eventually we stop questioning them.
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:We don't say things like, "I'm acting
like this because I learned it."
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:We actually say, "This is the way I am.
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:It's just who I am.
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:It's who I've always been.
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:I've always been worried.
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:I've always been anxious.
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:I've always been the person
to take care of everyone.
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:I've always put myself last."
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:But have you really?
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:Or let's think.
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:Let's think for a minute.
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:Is that simply who you had to become?
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:Because those are two
completely different things.
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:One of the things that I ask clients
all the time is, "Who taught you that?"
36
:And you have to really stop and think
about that when you ask yourself that.
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:Who taught you that your needs came last?
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:Who taught you that your
self-worth depended on performance?
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:Who taught you that being quiet
is what actually kept you safe?
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:Who taught you these things?
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:Was it your mom?
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:Was it your dad?
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:Was it your caretaker,
your teacher, your coach?
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:Who was it?
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:We have to think about that because
here is what I've learned after
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:working with so many adult children.
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:Most of us aren't living
from our true identity.
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:We're living from adaptations, and
adaptations are absolutely amazingly
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:brilliant, so I never want people to think
I'm criticizing them for the way they act.
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:Your nervous system was
incredibly intelligent.
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:It figured out how to survive.
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:It protected you.
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:It kept you connected to the people you
depended on, the people that were supposed
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:to be your caretakers, and the people that
were sup- supposed to be keeping you safe.
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:It kept you connected to them.
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:The problem is not that you adapted.
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:That's not the problem.
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:The problem is that nobody ever came
back to you and said, "Hey, Tammy,
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:tell your nervous system this.
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:Tell your nervous system you don't
have to be that person anymore."
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:So today I'm gonna ask you something, and
I want you to sit and really think about
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:this, not because I expect you to have an
answer immediately, because honestly, you
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:probably won't, but because I think at
the end of the day, it is one of the most
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:healing questions you can ask yourself.
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:And that would be this: Who would I be
if I no longer believed I had to survive?
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:Just think about that for a second.
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:Imagine that.
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:Would you speak up more?
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:Would you finally rest
without feeling guilty?
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:Would you stop apologizing to everybody?
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:Would you start setting boundaries
and actually sticking to them?
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:Maybe you'd laugh a little more.
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:Maybe you'd dance out in public.
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:Maybe, just possibly, you would
even trust yourself a little more.
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:Maybe you'd believe you
are enough Who knows?
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:Sometimes people tell me, "Tammy, I
don't even know who I am anymore."
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:And I remember those days
that I was like that.
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:And what's my answer?
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:I tell them it's okay.
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:Healing is not about
creating a brand-new person.
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:People always say, "I wanna be a new me."
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:You don't wanna be a new you.
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:You want to uncover the person
who has been there all along, the
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:one underneath the fear, the one
underneath the hypervigilance,
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:underneath the people-pleasing,
underneath the abandoning yourself.
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:That's who you wanna
become, not someone else.
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:Simply come home to yourself.
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:That is my goal for everybody
listening to this podcast.
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:So today, here's something I want you
to do, and just try it and let me know.
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:Grab a journal, grab a piece
of paper, grab something and
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:ask yourself this question.
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:I want you to write it down.
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:Who would I be if I no
longer had to survive?
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:And don't overthink it.
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:Just start writing.
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:I call it word vomiting.
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:Just start putting.
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:stuff on the paper.
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:No editing, no judging, just write
the answer, whatever comes to you.
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:You might be surprised.
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:Honestly, you might be really
surprised about what comes out.
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:So if this brought something up for
you today, I want you to know you do
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:not have to figure it out by yourself.
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:If you'd like someone to walk this
journey with you, please reach out to me.
105
:Book a free call.
106
:Book an energy scan.
107
:Take my course, Trials to - Triumph.
108
:It is a beginner's guide and
an adult child's beginning
109
:roadmap to your healing journey.
110
:, I did design this course specifically
for adult children who are ready to stop
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:surviving and start actually living.
112
:So right now, if you go to
the show notes, it's 90% off.
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:Just use the coupon code THRIVE25
and you're gonna get 90% off the
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:course, and I'll walk along with you.
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:Guys, you don't have to do this alone.
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:You don't have to do this
alone, I promise you.
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:I encourage you.
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:If you did not hear the episode
yesterday with Megan , DiMatteo.
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:Sorry.
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:Um, I know her name is spelled Di
Matteo, but we went through this whole
121
:thing and she pronounces it DiMatteo,
and who am I to take her name from her?
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:So if you did not hear the
message yesterday with Megan
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:DiMatteo, um, check it out.
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:Check it out.
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:We talked about your identity.
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:We talked about healing.
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:We talked about people-pleasing.
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:We talked a lot about journaling, and
we talked a lot about just getting
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:back to your authentic self and
being the you that you were born.
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:I think if you listen to that episode,
it is a conversation that you will
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:carry with you for a long, long time.
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:So until next time, remember, you
are not broken, you just adapted.
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:And underneath every single
survival strategy is the person
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:that you have been all along.
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:God bless you guys, and I hope
to see you back real soon.
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:Thanks a lot.
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:See you next week.
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:Bye-bye.
