What really happens when love meets the law in a blended family? In this episode, I sit down with Raena Burch to unpack one of the most emotional questions in family law: what rights do stepparents actually have? From adoption and custody battles to the quiet struggles inside second marriages, we explore what the law allows, where it stops—and how compassion, communication, and boundaries can make all the difference.

What rights they don't have, how they maybe can adopt a child and what they can do if they think the other parents are unfit and acting contrary to their rights. We also talk about do they have to pay child support and answer many other questions about stepparents and the rights they have and don't have under North Carolina law.

So listen in.

Jonathan Breeden: Hello and welcome to another edition of The Best of Johnston County Podcast. I'm your host, Jonathan Breeden, and on today's episode, we're having a special edition episode that we call Ask Jonathan Anything. And in this episode, our social media coordinator, Raena Burch, is gonna talk to me or ask me Jonathan Breeden questions about stepparents and their rights.

And every once in a while we do these special edition episodes we call Ask Jonathan anything. So go back and listen to some of the previous guests. Rick Hester, Charleston County Manager. Butch Lawter, Johnston County Commissioner Brad Knott, now Congressman Brad Knott along with other small business owners local Dentist, Tim Sims, local realtor Donald O'Meara, Edward Jones, investment Advisor, Chris Key.

These are just seeing some of the many small business owners have been on and many of the, also the community groups like the Miracle League of Johnston County. Backpack buddies of Cleveland able to serve and many, many more. Isaiah 117 House Hope Centers ministries. They've all been all talking about the services they provide and the help they need from the community.

Welcome, Raena.

Raena Burch: All right, you are welcome. Are you ready Step?

Jonathan Breeden: I am ready.

Raena Burch: Stepparents, this is a pretty hot button topic, right?

Jonathan Breeden: I've had about 45 seconds to think about my answer to this, so we'll see how it goes.

Raena Burch: All right. So first question, what is a stepparent like? What constitutes a stepparent? Long-term partner, do they count as a stepparent or no?

Raena Burch: Got it.

Jonathan Breeden: To be considered a stepparent.

Raena Burch: Mm-hmm.

Jonathan Breeden: Now, under the law, the word stepparent, I don't believe is in the statute. Okay. Okay. So, you know, it is a. Accepted norm now with, you know, a lot of divorces and

Raena Burch: Yep.

Jonathan Breeden: People remarrying and stuff like that.

But you know, being a stepparent, I don't, I don't think the word stepparent is in a statute that I'm aware of, but to be a, if you wanna be called a stepparent or whatever. You would be married to one of the child's parents, you know?

Raena Burch: Yeah.

Jonathan Breeden: And, and, and, and even if you're living with them, even though you're not called a stepparent, you're acting as a parent to any child living in your home, you know, as best you can, whether you're the stepparent or not.

Raena Burch: Yeah. Okay. So first question, 'cause we need to establish that before we ask the rest of these questions.

Jonathan Breeden: Right, right, right.

Raena Burch: Alright, so one. What legal rights do stepparents have when it comes to their stepchildren and where do those rights end?

Raena Burch: Yeah.

Jonathan Breeden: Is added to, depending on the situation, can take the child to the doctor and maybe consent to medical care if one parent has given them so the parent can give the stepparent some rights. Like making some limited medical decisions as long as the other parent agrees.

Raena Burch: Yeah.

Jonathan Breeden: Can allow them to pick up and drop off kids to school. The parent can bring the stepparent to parent teacher conferences at the school, stuff like that. Step parents coach, little league teams all the time.

You know, that's up to the little league as to who the coach is gonna be.

Raena Burch: Yeah.

Jonathan Breeden: Stuff like that. Where they can actually get rights is if they were to decide they wanted to adopt their stepchild.

Raena Burch: Mm.

Raena Burch: Mm-hmm.

Jonathan Breeden: And those are, you know, we, that's, that's another episode. But basically if the other parent has abandoned the child. Abandoned,

Raena Burch: yeah.

Jonathan Breeden: Nobody really knows what the other parent is. The other parent is in prison for some long period of time, isn't around, isn't able to provide support, has abused the child, abused the mom.

To a pretty severe level. You know, those are the types of things, or would consent

Raena Burch: Yeah.

Jonathan Breeden: To get outta paying child support.

Raena Burch: That happens. That happens too.

Jonathan Breeden: Right? Right. They, they do consent to get out of paying child support in particular. You know, 'cause once the child's adopted, the biological parent.

No only owes a ongoing doing of child support. They still owe the child support going back if they have arrears and they almost always do. So, so that is how a stepparent can get some rights, is they can adopt the child. Now you do need to be married. To this child's parent for six months in North Carolina prior to filing the petition for the adoption.

Separating from the child's parent.

Raena Burch: Mm-hmm.

Jonathan Breeden: And they believe that the child's parent that they were married to and the other parent are unfit.

Raena Burch: Mm.

Jonathan Breeden: Or acting contrary to their rights.

Raena Burch: Yeah.

Jonathan Breeden: It's not that I know people are gonna think this is crazy. It's not that unusual. For a parent to just leave and leave the child with a stepparent.

And so, I mean, we see this all the time. The child's, most of the time the child's father in this situation has never met the child, and we might not even know who he is.

Raena Burch: Yep.

Jonathan Breeden: The child's mom is in a long-term relationship with the stepparent, but they got issues, whether it be drugs, alcohol, mental health, or whatever.

Raena Burch: Yeah.

Raena Burch: Yeah.

Jonathan Breeden: And they leave the child. With the stepparent. And so in that scenario that stepparent can file for custody of the child, if it can show that both parents are unfit or acting contrary to their rights as parents and are unable to provide an immediate safe home for the child.

And we've helped many, many stepparents at all, at all times. We have at least one or two of those stepparent cases.

Raena Burch: Mm-hmm.

Jonathan Breeden: In our office where we are representing a stepparent, getting custody of a stepchild. Oftentimes you have. There are biological kids and they're step kids.

Raena Burch: Yes.

Jonathan Breeden: And so where we're, we're doing two separate cases where you got the biological kids.

We're getting custody and then we're gonna try to get the step kids as well. If the other parent is, is, is not well. And then we are always at any given time, we always have. One or two or three stepparent adoptions that we're working on.

Raena Burch: Mm-hmm.

You get a new birth certificate.

Raena Burch: Yep.

Jonathan Breeden: The child is theirs for all, all legal purposes. They are just like the child was biologically theirs. And if the party's ultimately separate after that. It becomes a regular custody case.

Raena Burch: Yep.

Jonathan Breeden: Straight up. Best interest, you don't have to show in fitness. And you know, they would owe child support if they end up breaking up with, with the spouse.

'cause it would be as if their child, the child would inherit just like they would from a parent.

Raena Burch: Yep.

Jonathan Breeden: And all of that stuff.

Raena Burch: Yep. All right. I mean, yeah, there's a lot of nuances with all of that, like you said, but ultimately it sounds like gotta be married. Like you said, you have to wait six months for adoption and once, once you, if, if you can't adopt your stepchild, 'cause those parents are still, they're parents, like you said, if they're there and they're taking care of that child day in and day out and helping and all that, that's, you know, they're doing a parent's job.

Jonathan Breeden: Right.

Jonathan Breeden: How can bio parents and bonus parents stepparents, stepparents with each other or with the opposing parent?

Raena Burch: Either so, either or. Right.

Jonathan Breeden: Okay.

Raena Burch: So like, it's like if you're a stepparent and you set a boundary with your spouse, you know, that's your child and your ex and you need to handle that. And, you know, do you think that's a healthy boundary and then a healthy boundary with the co-parent.

Jonathan Breeden: Right.

Raena Burch: With the other parent?

Jonathan Breeden: Well, I would say that if at all humanly possible. The stepparent should not be communicating with the other biological parent at all. Right. Like I think it should be the two parents of the child communicating. Now I know that communication can often be not positive.

Raena Burch: Contentious.

Jonathan Breeden: Contentious.

Raena Burch: Yeah.

Raena Burch: Yeah.

Jonathan Breeden: And, and I understand the stepparent needing to stand up and defend their spouse or girlfriend.

Raena Burch: Yeah.

Jonathan Breeden: You know, particularly the other side being abusive,

Raena Burch: their house, their rules.

Jonathan Breeden: Right. Right. Now as far as stepparent. And, and, and their spouses are in their relationship and they're living together trying to raise the kids. That is extremely difficult. That is the hardest part of any second relationship.

Raena Burch: Yeah,

Jonathan Breeden: there is. It is the number one cause, in my opinion, for second divorces.

Raena Burch: Oh, really?

Raena Burch: Mm-hmm.

Jonathan Breeden: Where whether it was largely enabling, a lot of Enabling

Raena Burch: Yeah.

Jonathan Breeden: Where the step parent's, like, we cannot enable these behaviors. Like, like they need to be disciplined. They need to be punished, they need to be put in their room, they need to have their phones taken away.

Raena Burch: Mm-hmm.

Jonathan Breeden: They need to not be playing football. But they have to learn.

Raena Burch: Yeah.

Jonathan Breeden: And the other parent, there's a lot of, there's a lot of guilt.

Guilt, right? Yeah. There's a ton of guilt. Okay. And, and I've not gone through it. I mean, you know, like I'm not going through it. So it is easy for me to sit here and say, but there's a ton of guilt when there's been a separation of divorce and the parents wanna make the child happy and they wanna do everything they can.

And so I do think that often will weaken some natural boundaries they would've had.

Raena Burch: Yeah.

And so I think it's very important. For, for, for the parent and the stepparent to try to get on the same page. And that needs to happen while you're dating. Like, like that needs to be

before you get married. Before

you get married. How are we going to deal this? And if you are dating somebody and they have a child who is out of control, not being disciplined, you don't like the child, you don't like the behaviors.

Go get in a different relationship. Right? Like I'm just saying, I mean, I agree like, like it's not going to change because y'all get married, right? Like, like you have to consider that if you're gonna marry somebody with a child. You're marrying both of them. The other mistake I see happen is. The potential stepparent falls in love with the child and mistakes that love for the parent.

A lot. Like I've, I've seen that. Yeah. And, and, and that's, and, and that's not bad, right. Children? I love children. You love children. Yeah. But I'm saying you gotta be real clear, you know, when you're dating in these situations that your relationship is with, and y'all agree on parenting and on the child, and most kids are good kids, but not all kids.

Mm-hmm. You, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. And, and because the other thing is oftentimes. Those misbehaving children that are not being disciplined, that kind of don't listen and don't follow the rules, they also grow up to be adults that struggle as well.

Raena Burch: Yeah.

Jonathan Breeden: And so it's not like, okay, it

Raena Burch: doesn't end when they're 18.

Jonathan Breeden: Right?

Raena Burch: When they're

Raena Burch: Yeah, they're, I they back in with their parents after college.

Jonathan Breeden: Right. So, so that's, that's the thing, you know, I, I, I think about, you know, some of my friends who were you know, many years ago were, you know, dating women that had children or whatever, and they were thinking about it. And, and I remember having a conversation one time and it was like talking to one of my other friends about it, and I'm like.

I'm like, okay, what do we think about this, this, this new, new woman or whatever. And they were like, they were their opinion at the time was they, they liked the girlfriend better than the, like he was swapping out children. He was like, I think he, I think he's gotten a better partner, but maybe the child doesn't behave as well.

Raena Burch: Yeah.

Jonathan Breeden: You know, so you need to make sure that you're good with the partner. Mm-hmm. And that y'all are on the same page about how this parenting's going to is gonna go.

Yeah. And what your role is gonna be. And I don't think the stepparent should be somebody that should be doing corporal discipline. No. Should be really doing a lot of the discipline at all, other than the immediate discipline. Yeah. I really think it needs to be coming from the parent itself, because it's real easy for the other parent to then undermine the stepparent.

To the child, which is, and, and cause friction there, which they're gonna love to do because it would upset the other, the, the, the mom or the, the parent of the child. It's just one way to mess it up. So really the discipline. 99% needs to come from the parent itself. Y'all could talk about it, but you need to get on the same page.

But the parent needs to be doing the discipline, not the stepparent.

Jonathan Breeden: So. Right. Well, and if you're the parent, when you're looking to date or marry somebody, I've had. I can't even count the number of cases where I have won custody often for a dad against a mom, not because of the mom, but because of the stepparent or the person that they are living with or whatever being not a great person. They drink too much, they do drugs. There's domestic violence.

Raena Burch: Yeah.

Jonathan Breeden: There's all that kind of stuff. Right. And the mom is a really good mom. I mean, we got tons of these cases at any given time. And I feel for these women because we're, you know, sometimes we're losing and we probably should be losing based on the decisions they have made to bring these partners into their lives.

Raena Burch: Yeah.

Jonathan Breeden: That are not positive.

Raena Burch: And they're not good for their kids.

But you gotta be thinking about that too. I mean, you know, a lot of cases where. the parent, because men too, like, you know, stepmom's got problems. Yeah. Like, it's not like said if a step, step mom

can't take a step back Right. And like stay in her lane and that kind. Right. Well,

and, and while they're not parties to the action, they absolutely are gonna be looked at very similarly to parents because they're in the home.

Parenting on a day to day basis. And what is their mental health? What is their ability to stay sober? Yeah. What is their ability not to fly off the handle? What is their ability to deal with whatever mental health issues they have? Yeah. This is all important. And so if you are choosing to have a relationship with these people, you need to be thinking, do I want this person as a key witness in a custody trial?

Raena Burch: Yes.

Jonathan Breeden: How will they do if the other side's attorney starts attacking them?

Raena Burch: Mm-hmm.

Raena Burch: Yep. Yep. Define somebody else.

Jonathan Breeden: Correct.

Raena Burch: There's 7 billion people on the planet.

Jonathan Breeden: There's plenty of other people in the seat.

Have family law questions? Need guidance to navigate legal challenges? The compassionate team at Breeden Law Office is here to help. Visit us at www. breedenfirm. com for practical advice, resources, or to book a consultation. Remember, when life gets messy, you don't have to face it alone.

Raena Burch: All right. So, our stepparents legally responsible for child support or other financial obligations,

Jonathan Breeden: they are not, if they don't adopt the child.

Raena Burch: Okay.

And the other spouse is defined as dependent, which means they need money from the supporting spouse to meet their reasonable needs, those needs of that child. There's no way to separate that child's needs from the parent's needs. Mm-hmm. And so that is gonna drive up the needs of the dependent spouse, I do believe, for alimony.

For alimony. Okay. And, and, and, you know, the judge is not gonna say, okay. You know, we're gonna make it, but I'm just telling you that's how it works. Yeah. But now child support does count as income to that dependent spouse. So that dependent spouse has to have, they get their salary plus their child support before the court determines their shortfall as to whether the supporting spouse has to give them money.

Jonathan Breeden: It does not.

Raena Burch: At least in North Carolina.

Jonathan Breeden: Right. Unless somebody files for a deviation, and that's, that's very rare, but yes, it doesn't, it doesn't factor in.

Raena Burch: Got it. So what, what happens if the parent who owes child support loses their job?

Then they, they, that's just a modification child support the step parent's salary doesn't come in even though

Jonathan Breeden: Correct. Okay. Correct. Right. Yeah. Right. Because they don't, they don't have an obligation. They don't have an obligation support the child. They don't support unless they adopt the child.

Raena Burch: Yeah. All right, so can a custody order be updated to include the stepparents?

Jonathan Breeden: As a general rule, the stepparents are not referenced in custody orders.

Raena Burch: Okay.

Jonathan Breeden: Okay. I mean, you know, when they're entered, they're there. I mean, stepparents come and go.

Raena Burch: Yep. Yeah.

Jonathan Breeden: The parents don't, as a general rule. Now sometimes parent may leave, but, you know, they're not parties to the action, the action's gonna be mom versus dad or dad versus mom.

Raena Burch: Yep.

Raena Burch: Yes.

Jonathan Breeden: And they're acting contrary to their rights, and the stepparent is acted in loco parentis as a parent to the child. But any third party can do that. That stepparent brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, neighbor, cousins. Right. If you're out there and you know of children whose parents are unfit and they're acting contrary to their rights as a parent. You could file for custody of that child.

Raena Burch: Yep.

Jonathan Breeden: So, I, I think that that's important. What was the question?

Raena Burch: Just can you put a parent in a custody order?

Jonathan Breeden: As a general rule? No. When you do see 'em in there, it's usually in a negative connotation, meaning this person should not be around the child. This person should not be at exchanges because there's been violence between stepparent and parent. And the court wants to avoid that.

Raena Burch: Got it.

Raena Burch: Yeah.

Jonathan Breeden: It is, it is for the negative. And look, I've had many cases where. The oth where the, where the court has said the stepparent can have no contact with the child. Who then what do you do?

Raena Burch: Right.

Jonathan Breeden: If you're the parent right

Raena Burch: now, you gotta make choice.

Jonathan Breeden: Right, right, right. And, and, and you know, they, sometimes the stepparent will go stay at a friend's house.

When, when that. When the parent has custody of the child or you know, or the parent will take the child to their parent's house, go see family or whatever. But that does happen. Yeah. Like I said, the court doesn't tell you you have to break up, but if the court believes stepparent or new boyfriend or girlfriend is bad for this child, they absolutely can put a no contact order in.

And we see it happen all the time.

Jonathan Breeden: Communication and forgiveness and .

Raena Burch: Compassion.

Jonathan Breeden: Realizing that you're not gonna get everything that you want.

Raena Burch: Yeah.

Jonathan Breeden: Right. So I think it all starts with communication, I think, and the communication needs to be as positive and clear and without emotion as possible.

Raena Burch: Preferably in writing.

Jonathan Breeden: In writing, in a high conflict case, using, and I would highly recommend our" Family Wizard" as a parenting app.

Raena Burch: Yeah.

Jonathan Breeden: Where nothing can be deleted, nothing could be edited. It says when it's posted, it said when it's read calendars and schedules and doctor's appointments and receipts, and all of that can be put in there.

Raena Burch: Yep. And it's all admissible in court.

Jonathan Breeden: It's all admissible in court.

Raena Burch: Yep.

Jonathan Breeden: But I would say that there'd be communication.

You know, if his grandmama has Christmas. Lunch or whatever, like if that's their thing. Yeah. Try to make it possible for the child to participate as much as possible.

That kind of stuff. Try to see it from both sides. Don't just be looking at it as what I can get and what they can get over on me. And getting your feelings hurt. Like it really is what's best for the child.

Raena Burch: Yes.

Jonathan Breeden: And everybody just try to get along right? Like the relationship's over fighting about bygones and being jealous that the relationship's over. Yeah, it's over. Like, it's over. Like, let's move on. Right. The child now has

Raena Burch: three parents

Jonathan Breeden: has, or four, or four or four. Two stepparents. Yeah. And you know, the, and the child's world, the child have its parents together and all scenarios, all children wish for their parents to be together.

Like, like, and this is with anybody that may. Dislike you or not like you? I mean, there's people that don't like Jonathan Breeden in this world. I'm sure there's people that don't like Raena Burch. I can't imagine. Oh yes, absolutely. But I'm sure somebody does. You know, and so what you wanna do in that scenario when you're dealing with somebody in life or whatever, doesn't like you, is.

Whatever argument you might be having or still having or whatever. The only person that loses is the kid and so that's what I would tell people to do.

Raena Burch: Yeah.

Jonathan Breeden: Is communicate. Give and take, have compassion on the other side. Realize the other side misses the child. As much as you miss the child when the child's not there.

Realize that the other side's family is just as much the child's family is your family. And those relationships are just support of that child as relationships with your family are important.

Raena Burch: Yeah.

Jonathan Breeden: I think people lose track of that. They just sort of think it's me, me, me, me, me. And unfortunately society teaches a lot of that.

Raena Burch: Yeah.

Jonathan Breeden: But that's not what it is, like this child only gets one life and it gets one set of parents. And so everybody needs to try to get along.

Raena Burch: Yep. And I will say that, you know, when you start adding in stepparents and whatnot, you also add in that step-parent's families, like that's true, not just the stepparent, it's their families too.

Jonathan Breeden: Right.

Raena Burch: And, and to just keep that in mind with if they wanna, you know, include they, they wanna include your child and their family, that's not a bad thing. Right.

No doubt. No doubt.

Jonathan Breeden: So. Well, anyway, so I'd like to thank Raena for coming on and helping us with this edition of the of The Best of Johnston County Podcast. I asked Jonathan Breeden anything where we talked about stepparent rights or lack of rights. if you have questions about your relationship with your, with your stepchildren or you're in a relationship that might not be working out, if a stepparent give us a call here at the Breeden Law Office at 9 1 9 6 6 1 4 9 7 0 or reach out to us at breedenfirm.com.

That's the end of today's episode of Best of Johnston County, a show brought to you by the trusted team at Breeden Law Office. We thank you for joining us today and we look forward to sharing more interesting facets of this community next week. Every story, every viewpoint adds another thread to the rich tapestry of Johnston County.

If the legal aspects highlighted raised some questions, help is just around the corner at www. breedenfirm. com.