Can you live an exciting & purposeful life after being addicted? Absolutely! Ian Koniak has a fantastic family, he ensures he spends time with them and runs a successful business. He shares how coming clean about his addictions with his wife almost cost them their marriage and created complications during the pregnancy of their second son. However, Ian clarified what he wanted, made boundaries and got help changing his perspectives. Ian's story of transformation and freedom is encouraging and empowering. It's not been an easy road, but it is most definitely possible for us to experience an exciting life.

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Connect with Ian Koniak

Website:

https://iankoniak.com/

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Instagram: 

https://www.instagram.com/iankoniak/

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LinkedIn: 

https://www.linkedin.com/in/iankoniak/

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Connect with Mike Forrester

https://linktr.ee/hicoachmike

He's been doing sales for, uh, a number of years. He is just a, a force to be reckoned with straight out. So it's my pleasure to bring it. Ian COAC Ian, how are you doing today? My friend, I am

fantastic. Mike, how are

you? I'm doing great. Thank you. Well, Ian, if we could, can we start out where you are today on the business side of life?

Um, and, and caring for my, for my son. But for, for, for the most part, I wasn't going back, you know, to, to, to Salesforce. So, um, it's been about a year. Since I, um, officially, um, went all in on this business and right now we we've done. I think we're right at around seven figures, uh, in our, in our first full, you know, first, first, full year.

And so I'm trying to, um, build and, and. Scale that program. So I can serve more people in the sales community and that's gonna be launching, uh, enrollment's gonna open April 18th. And then the program itself is gonna go live may, May 16th, where we're gonna start the, the first cohort. So it's a very exciting time.

It's a very stressful time, lots of little bugs and things to work out, but, um, it's keeping me busy. Uh, and I also get to. Go on podcasts like this and go speak at companies and, and teach their teams how to sell. So it's, every day has been absolutely jam packed. Um, and it's a great problem to have, and I'm very blessed to be in this position.

Yeah. I'm

So can we transition over to the personal side? What does that look like for you at this time?

You know, for me, the important thing that I would say for anybody who has, um, a demanding job profession, career, business, whatever you have that can take over your life, that can be the front and center. And I am fortunate where I have a beautiful wife and two young children, and I.

So, um, because I'm deliberately setting these boundaries to be with my family, to be with my wife, to take care of myself. It's forced me to work a lot more efficiently, and it's also forced me to vote with my time. It's very easy to say, you know, you're the thing that matters most and family matters most, but if you're not around, you know, providing for your family, it's not, not just providing financially.

Um, and you know, some of the stuff we, we went through, you know, some of the challenges that I had with addiction and, and whatnot. So I'm very happy. I'm pleased to say that my family and my faith are, are very prominent in my day to day life and, and, uh, very much the reason why I'm, I think, doing well in business as well.

Yeah.

So at the point where you, you just talked about, you know, being kind of on, on the edge of losing things and now compared to where you you're at. 180 degrees. Did you see at that time that there was the possibility of creating these boundaries and working more efficiently because you've, you've always been like this high energy guy that I've known.

I didn't really think about it to be, to be candid. Mike, I didn't think about how am I gonna balance a business with a family?

What, what I, what happened is I because of my addiction and because I, I may or may not have shared the details with you. Um, but I, I had been living a double life. For Mo most of my adult life, I had always struggled with, uh, sex and pornography. Um, especially when I was in single, you know, I would go to, um, sleep with as many women as I can and go to strip clubs.

It'll stop. And, and frankly, it didn't. And so I did things in, in secret that were not, um, aligned with my marriage. My wife is Christian, she's a devout Christian. And, um, she always considered, for example, strip clubs to be cheating. So I would go in secret cuz I believed that fundamentally, um, she was wrong and I was right.

And that she was. Being a little too extreme and, and, um, I didn't see it her way because I wanted what I wanted and same went for porn. Same, went for alcohol. Um, she was married to an alcoholic for, uh, you know, for 11 years before, before, you know, we were together and, and I, I did a lot of this stuff in secret because I didn't wanna, um, I didn't want my wife to see me for that person.

I didn't go and tell her everything that I had done, but I certainly started sharing, um, some of what I had done before we got married. And I, I had already been drifted drifting apart from my wife. By that time I had started my side business. I was performing well and I just was going further and further from her.

And I wasn't being a very present available husband and father, um, at the time. And because of that, she wasn't, um, you know, as sexually active with me as I would've liked to. And so I started sharing this backstory with her and telling like, I need sex, you know, before you, I used to do these things. Like I need it.

And I was just so, so sick and, and, um, living in, in my sin. Um, and I started to tell her these things about, about my past life and, and she of course asked me, are you still doing any of this stuff? And I said, well, not really not to the same extreme, but I've done these things. And I kind of opened up about porn.

Um, and I opened up about, um, you know, some of the stuff I had done and she, uh, Just reacted. Um, in a way that was, was traumatizing. Um, she, she fell to the ground. Um, she was pregnant and she started shaking uncontrollably on, on the floor and then it got worse. It went from bad to worse. Uh, and she started having contractions and she was four months pregnant at the time.

Thank, thank God. But at the time we thought she was miscarrying because of the stress. And so we. Brought her to the doctor and he put the ultrasound on her and I thought there wouldn't be a heartbeat. We were just, he, he took maybe 10 or 15 seconds and we really thought that was it. And I would've been responsible for that.

And it was, I mean the whole ride there. I was praying, I was praying to God and I said, God, Please. I will do whatever it takes, but please don't take this baby. And that was my journey. That's that's what happened. Fortunately, the doctor, um, put the, the ultrasound and he heard a heartbeat and we, we said, what's going on?

And in, in the like, um, and I, I got a sponsor. And I also, um, started going to meetings and basically went into therapy, went into, um, specifically for, for this type of addiction. And I said to my employer at the time Salesforce, I said, I have to take care of. My health and they were very gracious and they gave me the space.

I told her everything I had ever done before during our marriage. Um, and she left me, she left me and she was gone about a week and she came back and once she came back, I knew we were gonna be okay. So she still was.

It's hard for me to talk about. I've never kind of told that part of the story, but that was when I, God really showed up is bringing her back. Cuz she did. She gave me a chance and I'm very pleased to say that it's been over two years now since I've viewed porn, it's been almost three since I've gone to a strip club or anything like that.

Actually connecting the way that my wife wanted, needed and deserved as well as my children. So for me, it, it never going back to a business was something I did after I did this deep work. And then it, it, it, it really became, I'm not gonna give up these other. Basically, this is nonnegotiables for me to be around with my family is a non-negotiable to have lunch with my wife is a non-negotiable.

Um, and, and so it's, you know, it's required me moving maybe a little bit slower on some of the stuff with the business that, that I could do, but, but that's been good. It's good to have those guardrails to cuz all we have is time and if we're only working we're we're. We're gonna miss miss what matters most in life.

Yeah, it definitely is.

You talked about doing some deep work after everything that went on. What did that look like for you? As far as, um, you know, you're, you're uncovering different things, like the different things you're addicted to and yeah. And then diving in to remove that route. What did it look like for you at that

time?

Yeah, I mean, it looked like a few things, so it was very in the first 90 days it was extremely intensive. So I went to 90 SAA meetings in 90 days at the request of my therapist. She said, Ian, we need to rewire your brain. We need to rewire your brain. Okay. Your brain is like neuro pathways. You know, there's strong neuro pathways.

I was attending therapy weekly. And then within the therapy, we did a lot of work where we did, um, a lot of like childhood work, going back to why I was the way I was. I always kind of beat myself up because I'm like, what's wrong with me? Why do I go self sabotage? Why do I go do these things and keep repeating these same behaviors and, um, When I gave myself grace and realized like a lot of this, wasn't my fault, Mike.

A lot of it truly was, um, it went back to when I was 12 years old, we, we mapped out like when this began and I first discovered porn at 12, my hardcore part pornography. I discovered Playboys when I was five or six years old, my dad had 'em around the house. My parents were divorced. I'd go stay with my dad.

So we went from a family of four to a family of two, and that was the same year. I discovered hardcore pornography. Um, and that became a coping mechanism for me, that became a way of feeling good. And, and my mom was depressed and crying and it was just the two of us. And, you know, I didn't really ever give a thought to it.

It was like the sweetest bird. At that same time. Um, there was a freak accident where the door was open and the cat was like running in and the bird was flying and I saw the cat and I tried to slam the door. So the, the cat couldn't get in and I slammed it right on the bird's neck and, and watched the bird die at the exact moment.

And it was like, I killed my bird. My family was, you know, went from four to two and, and, um, You know, those are traumatic, traumatic things for, for a 12 year old. So once I discovered that as a source, that year, that same year I started acting out. In other ways, I started skiing cars, vandalizing breaking windows, and that trend kind of continued through college.

When I. Was engaged in illegal activities through after college. When I go took off to south America to get away from everything, it was always like escaping and trying to get away. And when you trace the source and you kind of understand why you are the way you are, then, then that's when you can give yourself grace.

It was really that therapy. Um, God bless, you know, my therapist, you know, and, and um, then it was the work of, you know, um, really. I would say identifying the triggers that made me want to act out, we call it acting out recovery. Um, acting out would be like going online or whatever, doing engaging in the activities that you're trying to refrain from.

So that was the second part of the deep work is like the awareness of when I was feeling. Tempted. And what I discovered is a lot of times I was just doing this to procrastinate, or I was just doing it because there was, I felt overwhelmed or stressed or maybe I was working so hard, I needed to relief.

You know, I need to recharge the battery, which I, I think, you know, I'm high energy, right? So I, I had never done that before my recharging, the battery was, was in a very unhealthy way. So it was, it was the work of identifying why I am the way I am. And then the work of the awareness of when I started feeling the.

A lot of reading material, the meeting, 90 meetings and 90 days, I mean, it became a big chunk of work, you know, that I was do doing, but it was the best work I could have ever done. I mean, it really was, it transformed my brain, it transformed and it got rid of the things that, um, That were holding me back from truly fulfilling and living, um, to my full potential, but also living a life of integrity.

I was a hypocrite before, you know, I was coaching, but I wasn't applying what I was coaching. And now I can do it freely because I know I'm not doing these things that I, I used to do. So when someone comes to me with struggles or challenges, I understand where they are. And the advice I give is one from a person who's, um, you know, practicing what, what they preach.

Like we're being controlled by. What we see as freedom it's, it's disguised, but it's not like we, we get to break out or it's doing us any kind of favors. Is that what you went through as well? Or you see. I

think for me, it wasn't so much the pornography that I felt wa was a struggle. It was the, you know, the, for me, the pornography was a gateway.

I didn't think it was all kind of part of the same disease or part of the same. Um, I would say, you know, because again, my wife had, had told me, strip clubs are cheating, but she never told me that porn was. Was was not okay. Right. We just didn't talk about it. So for me, porn was just part of my life. I didn't feel like it had a stranglehold on me.

I felt like the strip club did, frankly. Um, that was what I identified as my addiction, but I didn't know this isn't something that's talked about. This isn't something that people, um, share. But when, when I started going to therapy and doing this deep work, I, I learned she's like, you can't watch porny.

And I'm like, what do you mean? I'm, I'm not going to these other things. Like, oh, it's, it's the same thing. Right? And I, I initially, um, didn't understand it or know how I was gonna do it, but what I found was, uh, that.

Actually, the, the, the real, um, story is, you know, when I started coming clean to my wife, I told her. Um, Hey honey, I, I'm not gonna strip clubs anymore. Right. um, but I, I started going to these live chat rooms where women would be, would be stripping. Um, they were, they were paid, it wasn't just poor movies. It was a live interactive kind of, um, I call, I told my wife, it was a virtual strip club.

You can't do that. It's all the same, you know, it's all the same. It's like, there's like a little button right there. So I, I. I, um, again, I can talk freely about this mainly because I, I, I it's been so long since I've I've done this, but that was really the thing, um, that I kind of had struggled with, you know, I would delete the account, I would stop.

So that, that kind of like the strippers, the live kind of watching women and, and going through that or, or online, that was really, I never thought of like movies as, as something. How to strangle on me, but I definitely felt that way with some of, some of the more interactive, um, type of activities. So it's the same feeling, but it just wasn't directly

pornography.

And, and I should clarify my apologies, like when I'm talking about medicating out, it not just being porn, but porn being something that can medicate. For me, it was also like video games, right?

But, but, but yeah. So the pattern of addiction yeah. Is. I have a lot on my mind. I feel stressed. I feel tired. I feel anxiety. I feel sad. I feel whatever it doesn't feel good. I'm going to put myself in a state where I don't have to think so that medication could be television. It could be Netflix binging.

I, I used to go play video games for hours and hours sometimes still three in the morning on a Workday. Like, and I would be like, what the hell is going on here? Cause it was like this, it was like a high that I would get and it would feel so good as opposed to the. You know, having to do the hard thing that I didn't wanna do.

Right. Have the hard conversation deal with the hard feelings, um, do the hard work that, that I needed to do in my job. You, you know, so yeah, it very much was an escape from reality when reality was getting too much to handle.

Um, whether it's the pain of low self worth or the stress, like you've talked about feeling, you know, overwhelmed, inadequate, whatever the, the case may be. How did you go back and figure. These are my triggers and I need to be mindful of when these occur and go do something different to, in a healthy way, um, address them.

Does that make sense?

It does. It does. Um, there's a great book. It's called it's by Charles. Duhig called the power of habit. So he talks about queues and a queue might be, I I'll give you a simple example of a queue. A queue might be, um, I've worked 12 hours and I'm exhausted. Right. And therefore I'm feeling tired and because I'm feeling tired, I want to, um, zone out, veg out, doing whatever the thing is.

Or, um, my therapist explained this to me very well. She said there's physical addictions and there's process addictions and process addiction would be something we're addictive to, to doing. When we have these, these painful things that are not physi physiologically addictive, like, um, heroin, for example, or, or methamphetamine or alcohol, which has the physical addiction, a process addiction could be gambling, or it could be, um, pornography.

And, and I still feel those triggers. I mean, it doesn't go away, but what's different now is I don't have access to certain things that I used to have. So for example, removing pot from the house, I would physically have to go buy it in order to go smoke pot. Right. So that's gives me a lot of time to go and deliberately plan something that would, would, would jeopardize my recovery.

Porn filters where I couldn't go to any adult sites. And if I did, if I tried, my wife would get a notification, a message so, you know, if you really wanna change, like don't you try your whole life or you've been this way, your whole life, and it still hasn't worked out so clearly, I mean, getting help. It, it's not a matter of like, oh, I'm, I'm this self-aware.

And. Know my queue and therefore I can control myself. No, it's a matter of changing your environment. It's a matter of removing the things that you're tempted to. Do you wanna, you have a problem with sweets. You still have to go to the store and buy it, like making that decision of saying I'm not going to make it available is, is very, very important.

You know, 30 minutes or whatever I would watch, or I might go get a ice cream sandwich. Cause I really need my ice creamer Skittles. I'm a, I'm a, I'm a sucker for sweets. Um, but that's it like it really like, okay, is it gonna kill me to have some Skittles at 10 in the, no, it won't. Okay. It's not gonna kill me.

It's not gonna kill me to watch TV. Um, I might fundamentally like being in a hotel was a big trigger for me being away and out of town was a major trigger. Um, and so for a while, again, I, if I was ever traveling, I gave my wife my credit cards, my, my ATM card, so that I wouldn't have that. She got all my accounts, my Uber accounts.

It's not just the awareness of this. It's it's ingesting. The right activities into your daily routine that make it, so you're not gonna feel that way in the first place. That's the real strategy that I've I've deployed. So for example, I have a very regimented morning routine and it's not always perfect, but every day, a hundred percent of the days, it includes prayer.

I, I pray to God and I also say in affirm. I say an affirmation to remind myself of what's important. I look in the mirror and next in the mirror is a picture of my family and it has the following affirmation on it. It says every day I will give it my all, because when I'm all in, I feel my best. I inspire others to do their best, and I continue to provide the dream life for my family, giving my all means, showing up fully every day, planning and executing.

Plan and execute, stay positive and focused and serve others with abundance and love. So who am I becoming? Not who do I want to be, but who am I right now? That's been the strategy. So, so using affirmations, prayer using, um, exercise in the connection has been huge with my, with my family, making the, the time to, to.

It comes from doing things in secret that we're not proud of. That's what we're wanting to escape from. And that becomes a, a self, um, Perpetuating cycle, but when you're not doing things anymore, those feelings of wanting to escape tend to, to be less and less. And that's kind of what, what I experience now to the point where, you know, it's a fleeting thought versus, oh my God, I'm tempted to go do something

now.

How have you, cuz you were hanging out with your family before. How have you changed? In how you are hanging out with them today? Like, is it, is it that you're present? Are you intentional on scheduling stuff? I mean, like what's different now versus

before? I think, I think, um, I schedule the time mm-hmm I think that's a big thing.

I've always had to identify things that I need to continue to work on. So, um, Back, uh, in about about six months ago in October last year, um, I went to a men's retreat. I may have told you about this. And one of the things that I worked on there was my temper. I'm like I have, you know, a temper and I, I can snap at my wife and my son.

Why channel all this? Anger and rage towards them. They didn't do anything. So like, that's, that's a way that I interact that is very different. I think, I think I was just kind of frenetic with them when I was there. I wasn't as present as I could, could have been. And, and I wanna be very clear. I'm not claiming to be perfect at all.

There are times when I bring my phone out and I have a lot on my mind, but it's like, that's where the awareness and the self, like. Understanding comes into play. Cause I could feel that and I have to, then I, okay. I'm gonna put my phone in the other room. Okay. Let's go on a walk. Like I feel myself, like not being fully present, so let's, let's mix it up.

Um, Sanctifying God is, is our responsibility giving all credit to God. And I tend to give credit to myself. I struggle with egocentric centric, belief. I struggle with glorifying myself and what I've done. Cause I have had success in, you know, in business and, and in sales and now in recovery. And I tend to give myself a lot of credit and it's not me.

It's God, God. Is the one who give, gets all the credit, but I do. So we all have things we still struggle with because I'm not going becoming a preacher and I'm not telling I'm selling coaching. And, and, and I'm not saying God is responsible. You know, there still is this, this I'd say, um, stigma around, around faith and, and in the business world.

We actually go to church together and, you know, we, we talk and I understand her faith more and, and I understand. You know what it means to have lived in sin and now what it means to be, um, reborn and, and, and see the light, if you will. Um, And that's just a world I was blind to for, you know, my whole, my whole life.

That was very exciting for me in recovery to, to have an explanation. Cause I always just told myself what the hell's wrong with you. But if I, once we understand human nature is to sin, it is to, uh, you know, follow our fleshly desires. Then, then it becomes a lot more of a, um, we can give ourselves more grace, you know, understanding like understanding why you are the way you are, but also understanding like it's also human nature as a man, especially, uh, to me.

Made a huge difference. And that makes me, the Bible also says about marriage. You know what? Let no, um, let no man pull apart what God has yolked together. And, and I always viewed me and my wife as separate individuals. I didn't view us as one entity yolk together. That's why I had my secrets. I had my double life.

Yeah. I can imagine.

I love hearing you talk about grace, because I think that's something that, and like forgiving ourselves. That's something that most of us don't, you know, go through and practice, or we find is the hardest part, right. Is, oh my gosh, what's wrong with me? Okay. I'm gonna. You know, healing and working on this and others may forgive you, but it seems like that that giving ourselves grace and forgiveness is kind of one of the hardest things.

Is, was that something you experienced in the process?

Once I accepted

And that's part of the 12 steps, right. Making amends. And I went, went through the 12 steps, still going through on step 10, still. Um, they take a while , but, but, but, um, I've been stuck at step 10 for a long time. And I, I did a lot of the, you know, I've done my men's and in, in a lot of the, the deep work, but.

That exercise of going and actually admitting everything you've ever done. There is such cleansing and such grace that comes with that. Cuz once you've got it all out there, you're not holding onto these secrets that you're ashamed of. That's where the. You know, that's where the shame comes from. It's it comes from having secrets and lies.

I even went and took a polygraph as part of this. So she knew that everything I shared was, was everything. There was nothing else. And I passed the polygraph, of course, and she came back and, and that's the beautiful thing about forgiveness and forgiveness is preached in the Bible and it's, it's all over it's it's once you see that other people are willing to forgive you and that God already has forgiven you it's much easier to forgive yourself, but it starts.

Revealing and sharing the things you've done that you're holding onto and hiding those skeletons have to get out of the closet. That's, that's such an important part of, um, of grace, because you're never gonna forgive yourself if you're still living alive, you're still hiding things, especially from your significant other.

There's just no way in million years that I would ever put my wife through that again. And myself, I everything's been blessed everything since, since all this happened has turned into my family, my, my business, my health. I'm being rewarded. God, God sees it. And I want to be an inspiration for other people.

I don't carry any shame right now. I, I carry sadness. I carry sadness that I could have done some of those things and hurt my wife. That that very much is still, but it's not shame. There's a big difference. Yeah.

I get that. Um, in looking back, let's say like three years ago, um, where you were. You know, or four or five years ago where that was your lifestyle.

Did you ever think what you're experiencing now was available to you? Like

no idea. And then you see the light you're walking in darkness. God talks about this. Every religion talks about this, right? There's a point where you go and you wake up and, and for me, um, yeah, it was that moment on that ride to the hospital that, that will, that changed my life.

I mean, I go, I don't want anything to do with Las Vegas. I was just in Miami for keynote and I had, um, pits in my stomach kind of seeing just, just the energy there and, and some of the, um, RAness around the streets and it it's just fundamentally, like I was telling my wife this last night, like I am a different person.

The key, I'm gonna give you three, three keys. Um, I wanna give your audience three keys to true fulfillment happiness, which I've learned over, over, um, this five year journey. And especially over the past couple years in recovery, um, When we're making it all about ourselves. It's the cause of our suffering.

Often our thoughts, our own grandiose importance, our own, you know, struggles. But when we can turn off our ego and we can truly exist to serve, to love, to give and provide and contribute to others. We get, we get filled up, right? We, we, when, when that becomes the mission and, and that's been a huge part of why I quit my job, very lucrative job and, and started my own business.

So self, you know, indulgent and, and I think just giving and, and making it about others and not you is hugely, um, impactful and effective for, for recovery. Um, the second key is growth. When we are growing and learning new things and becoming stronger and wiser and surrounding ourselves and putting ourselves in an uncomfortable position and challenging ourselves to do the things we've never done before.

Really not, not just being there, but being present and, and truly connecting and loving. And it's just, uh, like I said, when you fill your days with connection, growth and contribution, um, Everything else kind of takes care of itself. So that's what I've tried to intentionally design my life around those things and, and, um, yeah, that, that's, that's been the key for me to, to letting my ego go is when I'm just letting God letting holy spirit letting you know my, my best self be in service of other people.

Yeah, I

Uh, well, if you're in sales and you want coaching and you struggle with any of the things that.

You know that I shared, uh, you can go to my website, iankoniak.com and you'll see a little button for coaching and, uh, that's my program. You can work with me. It's launching April 18th. So that's how you get on the wait list right now. There is a wait list to go on, but, um, that's how you can work with me.

Um, LinkedIn is where you will go. Define me. I, I'm not active on Instagram or Facebook outside of my, you know, family pictures and whatnot, but my website in LinkedIn are, are definitely the best places to get ahold of me. And, um, yeah, it's, it's, uh, it's my privilege to be able to share what I've gone through in, in effort to.

People realize that they're not alone, that some of the things that, you know, I struggle with are, are actually quite common. Once I went into recovery, I found that out firsthand. And if I could be of any support in any way, I'm happy to do that.

So, Fran, I appreciate you being honest, open and vulnerable and just removing the veil because we do often feel it's just us and nothing can be further from the truth.

That's right.

Well, Ian, thank you, bro. I so appreciate it. And, uh, yeah, super grateful. Thank you, my friend.

My pleasure. Thanks for, um, thanks for creating the container to have this conversation in the space.