Today, we're joined by the incredible Terra Newell, who shares her powerful journey of surviving an attack and her path to healing.

In this episode, Terra bravely opens up about her harrowing experience with the narcissistic con artist Dirty John, who targeted her mother and subjected her to emotional and physical abuse. Terra's story serves as a warning about recognizing red flags in relationships, emphasizing the importance of intuition and self-discovery before committing to a partnership.

We also delve into the impact of generational trauma and epigenetics on family dynamics, as well as the critical topic of domestic violence and self-defense, where Terra's own experience defending herself against her attacker, Dirty John, takes center stage. Terra's journey to healing is nothing short of transformative, and she shares invaluable insights about therapy, somatic awareness, and connecting with nature.

Terra Newell's story is one of resilience, strength, and growth. She now offers coaching and ethical true crime podcasting courses to empower others on their healing journeys. Tune in and discover the strength to heal, grow, and achieve your own goals.

What you'll hear in this episode:

[8:40] Recognizing red flags in relationships.

[16:10] Narcissistic abuse and its impact on family relationships.

[21:45] Narcissistic abuse and its impact on a family.

[25:50] Domestic violence and self-defense.

[31:45] Healing from trauma through therapy and self-care.

[36:45] Trauma, healing, and intergenerational impact.

[40:00] Healing from past traumas and improving relationships.

[44:45] Healing, trauma, and ethical podcasting.

CONNECT WITH TERRA

Follow Terra: @terranewell

Tune in to Terra's Podcast: The Survivor Squad

CONNECT WITH KELSEY

Follow Kelsey: @thisiskelseysmith

Follow Momma Has Goals: @mommahasgoals

Download the app for Apple or Android

Learn more at https://thisiskelseysmith.com/

Join our text list. Text "Goals" to (707) 347-0319

Speaker 1 0:00

When you're in it, you're in it. And really nothing you could say people can maybe say a few things here and there that might have you have certain awareness. Like for me, I was trying to be agreeable. I was trying to work with her. I was still in his eyes, okay for her to hang out with me. If you want to be in with that person, you have to be willing to work with a narcissist.

Kelsey Smith 0:35

Let's reimagine mom life together. Mama high schools is your hub for relatable support and helpful resources that help you fuel yourself alongside motherhood. Your identity is bigger than mom, and whatever your goals are, together, we're making them a reality. This is a juicy conversation today, we get into some deep reflection traumatic experiences. Moving through the healing journey, and what maybe some watch as drama and entertainment as a real life situation that others have been through our guest today. Tara Newell, is a survivor and advocate for victims of domestic abuse. At the age of 25. She defended herself against serial predator dirty John Rehan. It has censured her story on global platforms to raise awareness about the issue. She's featured in the dirty John podcast over 110 million listens, and has been interviewed by various media outlets including dateline and Dr. Oz. Tara is currently working with fellow survivor Collier Landry on the podcast called survivor squad and is dedicating her time to coaching and supporting other survivors as they share their story. Today we talk about while you may not have been through the same situation, I sure hope not that terror has been through, there are common themes that we all can see as we work through different traumas, through experiences, cultures, and the different ways that our family has acted or habits that we've created in our life, and how we want to reframe those new tools that we can bring into our toolbox, especially as parents, how to not repeat things that we don't want repeated in our next generation, and how to show up for yourself and your healing journey. We talked about somatic work and checking in with your body and what it means to do a body scan and know if something feels good or not good. How to know that if you've never felt safe in your body or with your own intuition, some steps that you can take to really get on the right track, and how the relationship with the child and the parent can feel a little tricky at times, but how in some situations, it's really important to know when to communicate how and who maybe needs to listen to the other. This is a really great conversation that while we unpack this story, and Tara shares what she's been through, you may see how this shows up in your own life and ways that you can step in, whether it's in a similar situation or different. So listen in, as Tara shares her story, as she fought against her mom's husband, dirty John, and how this has shown up for her in her life. And her healing journey sets what she's doing now and how she's taking that story and supporting others so that they can be safe in their body and recollect any other patterns. Listen in terms, so excited to have you here. Sometimes I come across someone's story. And I'm like, that is a story that we need to dive into. I want to hear more about it. And rather than me just asking you a million questions in the DMS, I rather bring you on so the community can learn alongside of me and just unpack the journeys that we all take. One of the things that we talk about in this community is how we so often are navigating life alongside someone and we have a lot of similarities, but a lot of differences. And we're going to talk about some things today that obviously not everyone's been through, but there are similarities and how that shows up for different people. And it's really interesting to unpack those stories. So thank you for being here. And I'd love for you to just dive right in and tell everyone a little bit about you and your story and your journey and how you like to introduce yourself now and how a lot of other people may associate you.

Speaker 1 4:18

So my name is Tara Newell. I am the survivor of dirty John mean, Hannah. My mom married him and I was 25 years old when he attacked me and came after me. He was a con artist and not a great guy. But my mom ended up meeting him on this website called our time it was for dating seniors. And she went on this date with him. It was a really great day. They just had a great time. And then she invited him back to her place for coffee or tea or something like that. And my mom is literally the person where it's like coffee or tea It's not Hanky Panky like she's raised, very traditional and that sense. So she was just being polite and wanting to get to know him more. And so he laid on her bed that made her feel uncomfortable. She asked him to get up and leave or not to leave, but just to get up and get off my bed. And he didn't like that he got angry, got mad and stormed out and left. A few days later, he called her and apologized to her. She accepted that apology. And then she got into this romance with him. It was just love bombing left and right. He was, quote, unquote, the perfect man. In a sense, he was a doctor anesthesiologist, he was had it all, except for, in my opinion, didn't have it all because I saw some stuff right away that I was curious about. I lived in Vegas. And so I came out to stay with my mom. She was moving into the Valpo a place and she was leaving the place. She was out with my sister because her and my sister were not getting along about her new relationship. And so they moved to Babylon. My mom's in and John moved in with her. And my mom claimed that she didn't think John was moving in by it was very apparent to me, because I would go into her room. And then I would look for a Q tip or something like that. And his stuff is all there. And then I opened the room where we were staying the closet door, and there was a box and on top of the box, like plain sight was a nursing certificate with his name on him. And so I just shut it and I was like, Oh, his stuffs here. And I went back to Vegas, and then I came back for Thanksgiving. And the day before Thanksgiving, I had a lot of questions for my mom, why is he using your car? Seem? Some things just seem not right. And she didn't like that I was having those questions because she became defensive about her relationship. This guy was the perfect man for her. And we also had my sister and I had questions about her relationship before, just like past relationships, and many of them. And these guys, she just didn't have a great picker in life. Sean was a straight up antisocial personality disorder of the nurses spectrum by like he was actually diagnosed by many people as a psychopath. And so my mom got into this relationship, I ended up getting into an argument with him the day before Thanksgiving. And he essentially was saying to me that I was snooping around that I was looking into his side. And I was not I was just staying there. And if you have a mom, you go into your mom's room, you're maybe trying on her clothes, sometimes. It's like, you don't have a lot of boundaries with your mom that maybe you would have with a friend. And

Kelsey Smith 8:44

especially when it's been like the three of you. It's been this a journey of you and your sister and your mom. And all of a sudden someone's coming in and changing it in a pretty intense way. And you had mentioned that there were some flags from your mom's previous relationships as well as up to this point in the relationship. What are some things that you noticed as a child that maybe your mom was not aware of? Because like you said she was in it. And this can be so tricky for women because they want to find that partner. They want to find that person to support them and their family. So they're looking at all the green lights. So they think are the person putting off these green lights for them because they know they're going to be the good green lights to hide some of the red flags. What are some of the things that popped up for you that maybe other people could be aware of if they're in a current relationship? Or maybe their kids have already flagged this for them and they've knocked it down? What are some of those things that popped up?

Speaker 1 9:40

Definitely these fast moving relationships where they happen so quickly. There's lots of love bombing. I remember with this one guy right with my mom and dad split up. This one guy literally brought us to the Mirage we went and got the biggest Tiger at The Mirage, the the tiger there. And I was like, as a kid, I was like I had the big tiger. And everyone wanted that. Yeah, so it was just like, This guy came in. And he also bought us a dog. He got us like a championship golden retriever, which like, I wouldn't care if the dog was a championship and Hi, I just would like a dog. And then something else is with every relationship, you try things that they would do, or you do things that they would do that you'd normally you probably wouldn't. But don't try them and say you like them. My mom went to a dude ranch with my dad. And if you're doing things that are super out, side, your comfort zone, thing is this the person for me is this really compatible, and you're gonna have things that like, are different from your partner. But you know, to mean certain things that you really don't like to do that they really think that this is going to be a thing that you guys are going to do together, maybe don't do those things. Yeah,

I love that you bring that up, because there are differences between trying something you've never tried before. Ah, maybe your partner loves Chinese food, and you've never really had Chinese food. And they're like, let's go try it. It's like one of my favorite things, right? That's a totally different example, then you doing something that makes you feel uncertain in your body, right where you're like, I don't know if I'll like that or not, but I'll try it. Maybe I'm scared of heights, but we're gonna go on a hot air balloon ride, there's a goal of that being a fun experience, right? There's a goal of that being exciting and adventurous. And that person wants you to feel good and have a good experience. But then there's other situations where you feel so uncomfortable in your body, and you just have this gut feeling. And we're gonna get into a little bit more of what you do now, in a minute, but I'd love for you to talk about for the woman that hasn't really been clear in her body before. So she doesn't really know what that intuition feels like. She doesn't know when those things don't feel good, if it for sure doesn't feel good, or if it's new. Because I think that can be so hard for people if they haven't got clear with their gut or their intuition. They're like, I don't know, do I want to try this? Or is this just Yeah, me. So what would you tell that woman

I think that's what 20s are for, is really figuring out like who you are as a person. Yeah, you could date around, you can get into relationships, but make sure that you're having time and space or way from your relationship to figure out who you are like living on your own, make sure you're not moving in with someone, a until at least over a year. Because you want to see that person in those four seasons. And you want to see how they are and life and you just don't want to jump into it. Because you're have that love feeling that honeymoon stage. If you're before your 20s Definitely figured out that stuff in your 20s live separately from here, boyfriend, try to figure yourself out, establish yourself as a person your wants and your likes, do everything that you want to do Eat, Pray, Love, live that life, when even if you are 40, and you come to this revelation, maybe I'm unhappy in my relationship, and maybe I truly don't know myself, I think it's important to start maybe little, but you could also be that person that takes this big step. And just is like, I'm gonna go just travel tomorrow and figure out who I am and get to know myself that way, you know, step back and take notice of what is starting to make your body just react certain ways. When do you start to get certain stomach aches? Does something trigger you to go into headaches, start to bring that awareness into your body. When you can start to do that by literally just scanning your body from head all the way down to your toes and paying attention. Start to focus on your breath. How are you breathing? How are you carrying your tension in your body. And when you start to bring that awareness into your body, you start to become aware when you're like that in certain situations or around certain people. And so that starts with the awareness. And then you start to either say notice certain things, bring yourself out of those situations. If you realize maybe it's just anxiety in it Do you need to work through this in this type of situation, because, hey, I have social anxiety. And it's hard to be around people. But that shouldn't mean that I should go in my house and hide and not be around people figure out what makes you uncomfortable. But if it's social anxiety, practice may be seen, if you are drinking in those situations or need some substance to be in the situation. Maybe try slowly, being without it, I like to work with trauma in the body. Like figuring now helping someone figure out like, where it is, how to release it, how to calm your body down in situations, I will even go through these meditations where I bring the trauma in. And then we try to lessen that trauma in a way, I really try to work with the clients in the person with their trauma, because trauma in healing is not linear. And so you really need to adapt to every person. Yeah, definitely.

And so really doing that head scan, like you said, and just getting in tune with your body, I think is like the biggest takeaway there is when you're learning to figure out, what is this feeling that I'm having? And is this a feeling I want more of? Or is this a feeling that's scary and uncomfortable, really questioning, not getting a moment with yourself to ask yourself those questions, and really get in tune with those feelings. Because if you've been burying those for a long time, like many have that are all of a sudden finding themselves in a situation that doesn't feel good. They're saying, Okay, I don't know, I've never really asked myself how I'm feeling or I've never had the opportunity to safely say, okay, I can make a different decision. So I think that's really good to be able to just get really in tune with your body and do that head scan and notice, are you having those headaches? Or those stomach aches? And how is that showing up in these patterns and these relationships. So now you have all these tools and resources. But let's take it back to Thanksgiving, when you didn't necessarily have those resources, you had seen some of these red flags, you were in this experience where you didn't have a lot of control, you were voicing your opinion, but it wasn't your relationship directly at the end of the day. So you could only control so much. So you get in this argument with him about snooping, even though you weren't you were in your mom's room, and what happened after that.

So I ended up leaving not having Thanksgiving with him. And then stop talking to my mom for probably three weeks or something like that. I tried to be like I was financially dependent on her then. So I was trying to be financially stable on my own and figure it out. And I was trying to make it work. And so I ended up talking to my mom, and then we had to have a mediation session with a therapist. And the therapist was also getting her hours. So she wasn't very experienced in narcissist, abuse or anything like that. And you also have to find a therapist that is specific to that.

Yeah. And so you did a mediation and what came out of that because the goal of the mediation is to mediate the situation, right, it's to come out of that and have a version of a compromiser and understanding. And so when you left that meeting, did you feel settled? Or was it like you're saying, I wasn't really heard this person didn't have this experience? You guys don't get it? Is that kind of what happened when you left? What came next?

The mediation was for Christmas. And it was to make sure that John could be in the same room as me. And we could have a holiday together instead of me not being a part of the holiday, like I was on Thanksgiving, which that wasn't my choice. Yeah, I was just invited. But what we decided that John was going to hang out with the boys and I was going to hang out with the girls and the children. And right when John got to Christmas, he went straight to the kids with a bag full of gifts. So that was not what we decided upon. And I was upset by that because I could see that as a form of manipulation. i When cried then, like probably it went until March. And then my mom ended up leaving him because my family hired a private investigator and found out that he was using different social security card numbers to go to different doctors offices. He has con many women. He had reached Bringing orders against him. He was an ex con and just so many other things.

Yeah. And so what brought your family to that point to say we're gonna hire a private investigator, what were was your mom on board at that point or is was the private investigator what brought her to the point of okay, I'm gonna leave

my family just notice things here and there. At first it was my sister and I having issues. And then the rest of my brothers and sisters got on board, because he would also say things that were inappropriate to my nieces. And he would joke to my cousin into my mom about shooting my sister with a sniper rifle, she would take my mom's phone and text us sometimes. And he told me sister to kill herself from my mom's phone. And so my sister thought it was my mom texting her that first Wow. And eventually, we were able to piece together that it wasn't her because of the wording and he would give her sleeping pills, and she would fall asleep and stuff. So there was a lot going on. And my mom didn't know we hired a private investigator. But then my family did. And then we got this information, we brought it to her. She ended up leaving him. And then she lived with my other sister for a bit. And then she ended up getting back together with him because he was able to convince her that all those John knee hands that we found were other John me hands. And he brought her to a lawyer to even explain this. Wow.

So talk to me about that. Because that is something that I think that is a lot of people just like worse fear that they're going to get this information, they're going to have the evidence that they need, they're going to have trusted factual information to support something. And now you have another professional stepping in. That is really detrimental, all of that work. So what did you do at that point?

At that point, I caught the feeling she would go back anyways, because I had a toxic relationship because that generational trauma in those patterns, those epigenetics, everything, you repeat a lot of what your parents deal,

yeah, well, when it's what you're used to, and it's what you're seeing and what's familiar, you're not even consciously making that decision to repeat it, you're subconsciously following what feels familiar. So they end up in that space. And so after they got back together, you have this initial disappointment and frustration, and probably this feeling of just complete frustration. And like dishonor meant from the fact that this lawyer is coming in, and you're just like, I'm feeling hopeless, I would assume. So what comes after that?

After that, I just give up for a moment, just accept it as it is. And he's so manipulative. He's so has my mom wrapped around his finger in a sense, because, as of now, her family, she's been separated from her family, most of her friends and stuff. And so she's really isolated to only him. And so at the end of the day, if she pisses him off, then where else does she go? She has literally like, no one in her corner that's right in there. Of course, at the end of the day, if my mom always comes back, we're open arms to her in wanting to help her out. But this is really the picture that he's creating for her, that we're spoiled that we just want her money that we don't really love her. And he's the only one that loves her.

Yeah. And this is common, right? This is textbook situation that can come up for people. But again, when you're in it, you just want that love and you're looking to feel it. So for someone that maybe is listening right now, and they're realizing that they've either been in this situation or they know someone who is what was there anything that did resonate with conversations with your mom, where did things start to shift because you'd already hired a private investigator? And then I think things got worse before they got better. Right. And so what would someone do that's hearing this right now to be able to say, Hey, before this gets worse, AI NS gets better. Here's something we can pause right now. Do you looking back? Can you connect any dots and see, here's something we could have done or really no because she was so in it.

When you're in it, you're in it. And really nothing you could say people can maybe say a few things here in there that might have you have certain awareness like for him me. I was trying to be agreeable. I was trying to work with her. I was. So I was still in his eyes, okay for her to hang out with me. Really,

there's nothing. If you want to be in with that person, you have to be willing to work with a narcissist was tricky place to be right. Yeah. So you didn't want to be this ally, but you were becoming this ally in a sense. What happened after that

eventually my mom did leave him the second time because she ended up was able to see things for herself while he was starting to really create this drift with her family and her family is the major thing that's so important to her. And he would also just, it's not normal to threaten to kill her kids. And he just wanted her to do certain things. She saw a letter from jail Wednesday. And so she started to question things herself, am I really with a person who I thought and so she hires a private investigator, so does her own work, finds out more information on him, she found out that he went to jail for selling drugs from the hospital that he worked at. And at that point, my sister and I told her that basically, if you leave, we will take care of ourselves, we can defend ourselves. And eventually it got to the point where she ended up leaving him. She was trying to plan her leave. But then he confronted her about something. And then she ended up leaving away with one shield. She went to Vegas to pack up the house there of her stuff. And she filmed it all. He called the police on her said that she had hit him in Southern California when she was really in Vegas. And so they dismissed that and just like took note of that. And then she came back to California she gave him the Vegas house to live at the lease ended on like the Irvine place that they had together in Southern California. And then he ended up starting to spiral where he drove his car into a gate like community gates. And then he just left the car there in the car was in my mom's name. So she went and got the car, the car had wrappers just food everywhere, like he's been living in the car. And then he ended up coming to California, stealing my mom's car and then lighting it on fire. So the police had that case. And then he would send us threats and stuff. He would come to California and stalk us but I didn't have any confirmation of him stalking us until like after my attack and everything. I drove in after work and I parked in the parking space. And then that's when he grabbed me by the waist, looked me in the eyes and said, Do you remember me? I immediately tried to flee away from him, I was unable to detach from him. And that's when he started what I thought was punching me. And I put my purse up to like protect my heart and just like some of my vital organs. And he ended up stabbing me in the forearm. And then he stabbed me once through like my purse and my chest. And then I ended up my dog also was biting his ankles at the same time. And I ended up falling on my back falling on my shoulder. And that's when he was on top of me. And then he was on his knees. And at that time, I realized I was in a knife attack because I could see the knife, which before it was an adult taco bag. I tried to kick his forearm as it would come down on me and I was able to kick the knife out of his hand. I picked it up on the right hand side and I just started defending myself. And then he fell on top of me I held his head so he wouldn't bite me because I watched a lot of walking dead so I stopped him once in the forehead and then once in the eye which is the softest point of entry to the brain. I pushed him off of me toss the knife away and then stood in myself away. I just started assessing the situation. I had a one inch forearm one inch SAP when in my forearm started applying pressure to that. Saw my dog was eating the doll taco a woman then came up with her yellow lab asked me what was going on cat How can I help you? I told her Can you please just grab my dog she grabbed my dog for me because I thought that the Del Taco could have poison because my dog is always with me. And so that's when a guy with dreads started coming up. He gave me his sweater as a what happened and kept repeating. That was my stepdad. He tried to kill me. That was my stepdad. He tried to kill me. And then that's when Skyler the lifeguard came up, she came up, told me I'm trained to this types of this type of situation, how can I help you? And then she started to give me a towel for my forearm that was clean. And I started to apply pressure with that. And then the guy went to give John CPR, I tried to warn him that he tried to kill me. He wouldn't listen to me. And so I asked Skyler to grab my phone, she grabbed my phone, and I went down the hill. And then that's when I started calling. My mom. I told her I'm so sorry, I think I killed your husband, or John or something like that. And then I called my ex boyfriend after and then I told him, I tried to get a hold of him. But he was working on the he was working Bar Rescue at that time. And so he didn't have service. And then I just keep calling me back. I told him what happened. It was just like, then the ambulance came the police took my phone and then started to

go through the healing. Yeah. And so how long ago was this?

This was seven and almost a half years ago. Okay. It happened August 28 2016. Yeah.

And I think I saw was it this year that you were able to kind of rewrite that date as something positive? Why don't we share a little bit about that? Yeah, so I,

well, a year and a few months ago now on that day, I changed that day, my boyfriend changed that date for me, essentially, because we were friends for a while working on our podcast. And we had talks about just being friends because we had this energy towards each other already. And we respected that dated other people for a while. And then it was really this point where we couldn't deny that compatibility and that energy, and we really have fallen for each other. And so the energy just switched out a point. And I was like, he just seems different. I would tell my friends like something seems different. I like the talk that we have, like he's acting different. I don't know. And we went to the fair together. That was fun. But we were just friends. And I was just keep your hands to yourself, Tara, don't touch him. It was we we talked about boundaries. So I can't touch his arm. But they happen. And he literally didn't let me lift a finger. And I was just like, okay, he's into me, right. And then everybody thought we were together already. And just the he was amazing. And then that night, we had a conversation. And we've talked about a commitment with each other, and then we kissed

you're in the moment. So now, that's your official day of data. And you've been able to really rewrite that. So that's part of the healing process. And so that was, what about six years after. And so you've had six years of seven years now seven years after seven years after. And so now you help support people through what we were talking about earlier, really knowing your body moving through that. And we're going to talk about the term somatic work. But what did some of that healing process look like in the sense of just the buckets of areas that were most transformational for you when it comes to therapy time outside? connection with other survivors? What are some of the things that really stood out as this supported my journey?

So many things, but there's a couple of things that you said already, like the major factor for me was EMDR therapy. That was really helpful. And that's just like, helping you move through your trauma a little bit quicker. But then also some people have issues with it because it can be super reach recurring, and you're wide open and then you're in that fight mode or that flight mode a little bit more or, and then it settles because you're able to process it differently. But you're like, open until you're like closed, if that makes sense. Yeah. And then I really liked the somatic awareness, because getting in tune with your body and being able to like figure out how to work with the body, when you start to get triggered. And so you get back into homeostasis. And then getting one with nature, having time with nature, and that self care and everything. And then I also having that survivor community, there's so many people where you're like, I feel so alone, but then people listen to my story, or my mom's story, or the listen to another survivor story. And they realize that they shouldn't be ashamed that that trauma whatsoever, because it's actually something that lives in you. And if you don't work through it, then it's going to turn into sickness and illness and gonna have anxiety and you're gonna get depressed. And you have to turn that trauma into that pro host progression, where you're really moving forward with that, you're kind of doing yourself a disservice, because your body, physically even physically is going to be affected. And then your lifestyle is going to be affected on top of that. So allowing yourself to you only have one body. So allowing yourself to listen to it and move through it gives you the ability to honor that body that you're given, right, and then your life is built on top of that, because you need your body to live your life and be able to put that on there. And you now have the survivor squad podcast. And that's where you share other survivor stories of that all sorts of things, right? It's not just similar stories. But I think you were saying before, even like shark attacks or things like that happen,

what has that been like? And how long have you been doing that? And how has it been sharing because something that I noticed in our community, is when you start sharing your story, you get to impact others, whether that's your postpartum journey, and how that affected you, or the cute snack you made for your kids or the trauma that you've overcome. It really all has layers that are similar. Of course, some are more exciting to share than others. But when you can share those things, you support someone else. But especially for those things that are a little more traumatic. Sometimes when we meet someone that has a similar story or something about their story brings up emotions and feelings in us that maybe haven't been healed or just comes back up. Even if we feel that it's just a real human emotion. How has that been for you as a podcast host and connecting with all these other women that you coach and support and just friend.

It's been so amazing, because we're truly not alone on our journey. Of course, we all have our individual journeys, and they're unique and different from each others. But there's really a sum a lot of similarities. Yeah, that we can combine in others. I wish that we had a shark survivor on a set with the I basically, so we're open to it. We haven't had one on but we are more so in the true crime space. But I really want to have Bethany Hamilton, she would be amazing. But it's a real space, that we learn about trauma, we learn how to move through it and just having conversations, even like talking about kids. Like, I want to have kids and I don't want that trauma to be passed down to them. But they'll have emotions of maybe having those memories from my trauma, unfortunately. And I need to figure out how to process and move through that trauma a bit more. And of course, if you have trauma, and you have kids, and you already have your kids having those memories, which that's actually very common, if you are sexually assaulted in any way for that to live on and your kids. And so just be aware when your kids are having certain thoughts and feelings like Is this my trauma that's passed on to my kids now? And how do we work through this together? Because you need to heal yourself. And then now you need to heal the kid and let him know that it's not our third trauma to take on. Yeah.

And that shows up for everything. Right. So if someone's listening, they're like, Wow, I haven't been through anything like that's okay. But that shows up in anything, whether it's Oh, yeah, losing your cool when you're trying to get your kids shoes on. Or it's deciding that you don't ever want to learn how to cook or care for your body or workout or anything like that. You're still going to repeat those habits with your children, right? So it's how you communicate how you act and like, the trauma itself is obviously a really big deal and putting not into your child's experiences consciously or subconsciously, like you're saying is they may just end up with these dreams and the stories that they're carrying with them and you didn't really do anything wrong. Unfortunately, this was out of your control. Old, but it's a part of the family, culture and lifestyle. And it's up to you to be able to find the tools to support that. And to get ahead of it, and you're doing that already as an aspiring mom, to be able to say, Okay, I'm going to heal me first. And then I'm going to make sure I continue because it doesn't end, right. It's a continual journey of coming in with new tools, new resources, and unpacking those different layers. Because as your kids come into the play, you're gonna have whole new triggers, and whole new things that come up, that you're gonna be like, Whoa, didn't know I needed to work through that one still gonna have to work through that. And again, whether that is communicational resources that you need to bring in or healing from something super traumatic, like what you've been through, it has relatability through it all. So when it comes to like, your siblings, and your bomb, and the people that you continue to have relationships with, what are some of the ways that you let the past be in the past as much as you can, and cultivate a new normal, that's something that I hear a lot from our community, once they've been through something, whether it's divorce, or trauma, or just even maybe a child's been through something, and now they're looking for a new normal? I think that's a lot harder than it can seem. So what are some things that have worked well,

for you, um, say, sometimes it gets harder before it gets better? Yeah. Every person I talked to has a complicated relationship with her mom, just like we do. And if they have a perfect relationship with your mom, like, I feel like you're lying. Maybe you do, and you really do, but and I'll accept that for you. But here's the thing, at the end of the day, if you go through therapy, you're still processing stuff that comes up, you may process memories that you're not aware of. So you have to still allow yourself to go back to those memories. But how conversation to move forward. So something like I really need my mom to know is that she doesn't need to take this as a burden, or I wasn't a perfect mother. But something I need to let out so that we can accept and move forward. And so she was just so aware of that this is something that happened as a child, and I needed something different. We can't go back and do a time machine and change it. But we could be aware that hey, that affected your child and not wait. Yeah, you're you each deserve

your true, right. Yeah. And hiding your truth does no one justice, but it's also not the blame game, or even the victim game, right? You're not clearly stating in that situation with your mom and other ways. You're a complete victim, right? But in that situation, you're not saying Mom, I'm the victim of you. You're just saying, hey, this happened, I want you to hear me, I want you to understand how I feel. And I still love you. And I understand why it happened. And I don't blame you even but also hear how maybe things could have been different. And I maybe needed it different. And it didn't happen that way. So we can't fix it. But I want you to hear me and understand and into someone that's in it with their kid right now. Because that can happen on both ends, right? It was a parent, we can come and communicate to our child and say, Hey, I really needed you to do this differently. I really, I'm not upset at who you are. But I'm upset with what happened. And I need to be able to communicate that. And on the flip side, being able to receive that as a parent from our kids. What are some ways that you maybe have learned to communicate in a way that you can do that now that you couldn't do that before?

I think definitely coming in at the not blaming approach. It's always good not being like you did this to me, you too. But I just want to share this with you that something that I had a flashback the other day in my therapy session, and this came up from me. And I'm wondering how to move through it a bit. And I'm hoping to have this conversation to just help navigate that for us. One

thing that you just said that really stood out for me was the for us. And bringing it back to this is for us. This isn't even just for me, this is for us. And I think if that relationship is important to you, and it's something that you want to nurture that right, there is a huge takeaway to be able to come back and say, Hey, this is for us. And it's for me too, but it's also for us. Right? And it could even be for that person separately to that maybe they haven't even just acknowledged it. Yeah, I really think that's a big takeaway. Now, let's talk a little bit about where you're at now, because obviously the last seven years have been quite the journey from having your experience to a Netflix show. to bring in your own coaching and your own podcasting, and now a new relationship, which we know the best relationships are built on solid friendships like that. I'm a huge advocate for that. So that is so exciting. So what are some of the ways that you just stay in tune with Tara now, on a personal level, and then let's talk about the professional excitement. We're all about goals on this podcast and what we're working towards. So your life's been a little crazy. So what are some of the things that now you're saying, okay, me, Tara, as a human is focused on this, and Tara professionally is focused on this.

I really liked my routine right now. Yeah. It was like, it's such a great thing to have a routine stability in life. And then I do a lot of yoga just to do that self care and that balance for me homeostasis, and I try to to therapy like once a week, I really tried to stay on top of the things that I need to deal with, like my healing journey. And then on a professional, no, I do a lot of things. I have the podcast, and then that's built into other things like ethical True Crime podcasting course, because a lot of people are like, I just want to start a true crime podcast. Yeah. And I teach you like how to get for your request, I teach you how to interview other survivors, the equipment that you need to even start a podcast. And even if you have a podcast, and you're like, I'm not in the true crime genre, it's still great to be a part of, to learn about just ethics of certain things and how to deal with sensitive natures of people's stories. Yeah. So you know, trying to shift that because there's not a lot of manuals out there, like how to start a podcast how to be like, when we're not claiming, like, you need to do this not to be ethical. But we're like, Hey, here's some information of what's going on. And it's up to you to make it up to you like what's ethical to you?

Yeah, in coming from someone that's been interviewed by some top media, Dr. Oz, Dateline, all these things, that you've had to answer questions that probably didn't always feel good AI, and you've had to find ways that you're comfortable enough to be able to have these conversations. So now guiding others on how to ask those questions is really powerful. And to your point, whether it's a true crime survivor kind of conversation, or like we've been talking about this whole time, everyone has something that they've gone through that sensitive to them. So being able to have that conversation for anyone is super applicable. So for anyone that wants to listen to survivor squad podcast will, of course, link that down below. But anyone that wants to connect with you on your podcasting course, or your somatic coaching, talk a little bit more about the coaching aspect and how they can connect with you on either front.

Yeah, so I do coaching for somatic coaching individual sessions. And then I also run courses where I do new, more toxic dating, moving past trauma, so that you can really jump in, learn about things all at once and get tools to deal with your trauma, and those toxic relationships to hopefully not repeat those patterns. Again, it's really hard when you're in it in then you're vulnerable, and then you're more acceptable to the next relationship. But hopefully, we give you all that to not go further down that line. And so you could find all of that on my website, Taryn newell.com, or at Tara Newell, survival.com. And then if you want to get in touch with me just to coaching or anything, you can always shoot me an email as well. That's also on my website, and then the ethical True Crime podcasting course, you could just email me at Survivor squad pod@gmail.com For more information about it.

Well, Tara, this has been such a great conversation, you are such a powerful woman you have been through so much. And now that you're utilizing your journey to be able to support and help others and tell the story for others is truly just so admirable. And you should be so proud of yourself. And I cannot wait to stay connected with you and learn more about where this journey is gonna take you. And now with your new love support one year in that is super exciting. If you just had one kind of theme that you want to share with people to take with them as they continue on whatever journey they're currently on. What's a little piece of advice or takeaway that you'd like to leave us with?

I always tell people healing is not linear, but you can always learn how to breathe correctly and that will help you tremendously in life.

So very true to the Thank you so much for this time and I can't wait for everyone to connect with you.

Thank you so much. Thank you for having me on.

Sometimes the smallest acts of love is all a mom needs to feel reinvigorated. If you can relate to that I feel so supported by your five star rating and written review. Take a moment and let me know what you thought about this episode.