Shownotes
What if “I’m fine” is just a quieter way of saying “I’ve been surviving too long”? In this episode of Mind Over Matter, hosted by Archita, we open a deeply human conversation about what it really means to move beyond survival mode and into a life that feels like your own.
This episode is for anyone carrying invisible pressure—especially within high-expectation families or cultures where silence is mistaken for strength. Together with Dr. Shanta Kanukollu, we explore how stigma around therapy, unspoken trauma, and inherited beliefs shape our lives—and how small, honest steps can begin the shift toward healing, connection, and thriving.
About the Guest:
Dr. Shanta Kanukollu is a licensed clinical psychologist and speaker focused on helping individuals move from survival to thriving, with special attention to South Asian communities and cultural stigma.
Episode Chapters:
00:00 – The truth behind “I’m fine”
02:10 – What “surviving” really signals
05:40 – The biggest myth about therapy
09:20 – How untreated stress shows up in life
13:50 – Cultural pressure and inherited survival patterns
18:30 – The cost of silence and unspoken pain
23:10 – How to begin therapy without overwhelm
Key Takeaways:
- “I’m surviving” can be a quiet call for support—listen deeper
- Therapy isn’t just for crisis; it’s emotional maintenance
- Unspoken pain often shows up in relationships and the body
- Cultural expectations can normalize stress and suppress needs
- Start small: one honest conversation can begin healing
How to Connect With the Guest:
Instagram: @snk_therapy
Website: http://www.snktherapy.com/
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Transcripts
00:00:06 Archita: What if I am fine? Is just the most socially acceptable way to say. I have been surviving for so long. I forgot what thriving feels like. And what if therapy wasn't a sign that something is wrong with you, but a sign you're finally choosing yourself. Especially in communities where silence is treated like strength. Today, we are going to talk about the stories we inherit, the stigma that keeps being underground, and what it actually looks like to move from coping to living.
00:00:40 Archita: Welcome to Mind Over Matter, where we talk about real resilience, emotional truth, and the inner work that changes how we live. I'm your host and today I am joined by Shanta and Konukoglu PhD doctor K, a licensed clinical psychologist and TEDx speaker who helps people shift from surviving to thriving with a focus on South Asian communities and beyond. We are talking about thriving over surviving, changing attitudes about psychotherapy, and breaking stigma around topics that are often shunned like child sexual abuse and infertility. With care, clarity, and courage. So Doctor Shantha, I am so glad you're here today.
00:01:30 Dr. Shanta Kanukollu: Same here. Thank you so much for having me.
00:01:34 Archita: Thank you for being here. And yeah, I really am very excited about this conversation, uh, because I truly believe that these are topics that needs to be talked about more. So yeah, without wasting any time, let's dive into it. And, um, before we go anywhere Deep. When you hear someone say, ah, I'm surviving, what do you immediately wonder is happening underneath that sentence?
00:02:03 Dr. Shanta Kanukollu: Yeah, I think when people are saying that, which they often say, I hear it quite often these days. You know, I wonder why that is, right? I wonder what is beneath that? Is it? They don't have enough support. Is it because they haven't had time to themselves? Are they feeling the pressures of carrying so many roles like mother, daughter, sister, brother, uncle? You know what is going on that they are only surviving and that they are not thriving. You know what is happening and are they? I'm wondering too, if they're saying that to me because they want me to ask, right? What is going on? Are you okay?
00:02:54 Archita: MM. That is such an important question. Are you okay? And I think so many people, um, you know, they need to be asked that question. And sometimes it's just a call for help. You know the line I'm surviving. So yeah, because surviving is not equal to, uh, thriving. And it's, it's just mere functioning, which, you know, we are not robots. So yeah, definitely. And this really sets the tone for this conversation. So moving on. Uh, I'm curious, uh, what's one big misconception you see about therapy, especially in communities where image and being strong matters so much?
00:03:38 Dr. Shanta Kanukollu: Yeah. I think people assume therapy is only needed when you're in crisis, right? Or if you are quote unquote, crazy or severely mentally ill. There's that association still with therapy that, you know, things have to be really, really bad. So then you're forced into going into therapy, which is unfortunate because if you're waiting for a crisis, right? That's similar to saying, I'm only going to go to the doctor when I'm having a heart attack, right? I'm only going to go, you know, get some help when I can't breathe anymore or when I can't walk anymore. Right. But why aren't we, you know, going to the gym? Why aren't we stretching instead? Why aren't we taking vitamins, eating healthy? You know, why are we not preventing that crisis as opposed to waiting for that crisis? Right? So I wish for people. I wish for everyone that therapy therapy could be something that's synonymous or analogous to prevention, to tending to the mind, to caring for ourselves, for, um, avoiding crises and helping us thrive day to day as opposed to just going when we're having a serious issue. Because also, if we wait for that serious issue, I'm going to say it's very hard to find the right therapist or psychiatrist or provider when you are in that crisis mode. It's extremely difficult then to find someone who has availability openings, who's a good fit for you. And so I wish for people that they always had someone have someone available to them that they can call on as needed regularly or, um, in a pinch, they know exactly who to go to and that person already knows them and has a rapport with them and knows how to help them when they're in that crisis, if that happens.
00:05:47 Archita: Note Absolutely. That is that is so true. And I think, uh, the biggest problem with society is that they don't consider mental health as being equal to physical health. You know, like you just gave the example, we don't go to the hospital only when we are about to die or, you know, uh, during a heart attack, we go there for regular checkups as well to keep our physical health, uh, you know, uh, okay. To, to, to maintain our physical health. So why don't we do the same to our mental health? And that is the real question. So, um, when someone has that belief, what tends to happen in their life over time, not just emotionally, but practically in relationships in the body or in decision making?
00:06:35 Dr. Shanta Kanukollu: Mhm. I think when we are avoiding therapy, are you saying, what is it like for people who are not going to therapy, you mean, or not tending to their mental health?
00:06:43 Archita: Yes. Yes. Who believe that, you know, what I just said? Do believe that mental health is not that serious.
00:06:51 Dr. Shanta Kanukollu: Right, right. So I think what I've noticed is that I think I know that people who are waiting for that crisis, you know, the days, months, years prior to that crisis or prior to that, you know, quote unquote, heart attack, you know, things are tense. Usually things are stressful. You know, small things feel so hard to do or arguments with loved ones become much bigger or might lead to a complete estrangement, right? Or cutting people off or there is a hum of irritability, maybe with parenting and we snap at our kids, or maybe we're taking more days off from work and not able to motivate ourselves to, um, work at the highest capacity and our highest abilities. Right? All of these things. All of these facets of life get impacted when we're not noticing that things are not going well. Right. When things are just tense. And I think unfortunately, there is in some communities, like the South Asian community, sometimes a belief that that's the norm, right? And not just South Asian communities, I should say. This is also, I think, in communities now these days of this assumption that we have to be stressed with work, we have to be a little grumpy, you know, about work or our commute or parenting has to be extremely hard or tiresome. And while this might be true, I don't think it has to be the case all the time. Right. I think that we could have moments of lightness, moments of pleasure. But when we are stuck in this sort of mentality that everything has to be hard, we start to like, not be able to even see the possibility of things feeling lighter or better.
00:08:50 Archita: MM. That is such a real point. And it's scary how, you know, stigma shows up in our day to day life and we don't even realize it because, you know, stigma doesn't just silence people. It, it slowly reorganizes their lives around awareness, avoidance. And, um, that brings up something even more interesting. Where, where does that stigma even come from in the first place? Let's stay with that. So in your experience, uh, Doctor Shanta, what are the deeper roots of surviving mold in communities like ours? South Asian immigrant or high pressure families where people are taught to endure their entire lives?
00:09:33 Dr. Shanta Kanukollu: Mhm. I think there are sometimes communities like ours, um, immigrant communities, South Asian communities, high pressure communities where this is sort of become the culture at times within the family and within the community that we have to excel. Otherwise we won't survive. We won't get the promotion at work. We wanted to get get into the good college. We won't be the first to know about the hottest new whatever gadget school job. And if we don't have that privilege, if we're not, you know, functioning at that level of perfection, that we're going to miss out on something we could lose something we could maybe, um, not make enough money or not get the right job. And I think that anxiety sometimes is not even spoken. It just sort of in our day to day interactions, the assumption, right, that we have to operate from fear, from scarcity, from worry, or else dot, dot, dot. And I think there was a point, of course, that our generations previous to us, you know, were truly in survival mode or really did need that money or did need to make ends meet. So needed that excellent pedigree from a certain institution or school. And so it makes sense that at some point that was the proper adaptive coping mechanism. But I think we have to question at times, you know, how much of that is old and how much of that is currently true for our lives. Are we just carrying on this message, carry on carrying on this orientation to life that it has to be so tight, stressful. Perfect, right? Or is that something that we can let go of a little bit? Right. Because are we in fact racing against somebody and always needing to be in. You know, survival mode, right? So I think that's passed down in the way we see our parents or grandparents model things, um, how they talk to us about things or how they're always in a rush. We start to believe in our own bodies and minds. That is what life should be like. And we start doing the same when we parent, right? Or when we teach our younger generation.
00:12:05 Archita: MM. Exactly. And I think it's it's the intergenerational trauma. Definitely. It's, it's, it's like a cycle. But also it's very understandable because I, I believe that it comes from a place of not being considered as equals, uh, due to being in such communities. And I think their, their need to perfect everything comes from this belief that if we're perfect in everything, then maybe then we will be considered as equals in society. So yeah, that's definitely understandable. It's like a survival mode. Like you just said, survival mode can look like success from the outside, like degrees, promotions, weddings or acetyl life, but inside it's exhaustion and disconnection. So which leads us to the place people feel they can't talk about it at all. So that makes a lot of sense. Now, Doctor Shantha, you speak openly about topics that are often shunned like child sexual abuse and infertility. So when these experiences go unspoken, what patterns do you see? Show up later in adulthood?
00:13:18 Dr. Shanta Kanukollu: Yes. I think when these topics are not talked about, you know, firstly, they are carried in our minds and bodies and psyches. You know, when we don't talk about things that have been painful, stressful, traumatizing, Unfair, unjust. We can carry that in our bodies and the way we move around the world and who we trust, who we talk to, who we feel we can be open with, how vulnerable we can be in places, how connected we can, uh, be with other people. You know, if we're walking around with so many secrets and so much stigma and so much shame, there's no way we are being our full selves in places. And we're not our full selves. We're not thriving, right? We're hiding parts of us and trying to cater to people and carry that perfectionism and, you know, kind of curate what parts of ourselves we show or performing for people at times, right? And that can pass down to future generations and how we teach our kids what to talk about, what to get help with, who to be, you know, sharing their pain with and if that can also carry out mentally, but also physically. You know, we know, you know, trauma is related to other physical conditions as well, right? Cardiac issues, blood pressure, cholesterol, migraines, back pain, gut issues. Um, so it's, you know, it spills over into all sorts of parts of our life and truly can impact, I think truly, even how we work. For example, if we're in the workplace and we are being, um, you know, distracted by thoughts of what's happened to us or physical pain or traumatic memories, right? Or if someone in the workplace reminds us of someone who abused us, right? Or if someone in the workplace is pregnant and we are struggling with infertility. All of these things can be really triggering an impact. How well we're able to function and I think is really does us a disservice when we're not able to share with others our pain and when we're not able to hold pain for other people and hold the realities of what happens in life to people.
00:15:50 Archita: Right. That that makes so much sense. I think it's, it's this fear that if I speak, my family will fall apart. Everything around me as I know it to be will, you know, change, it will fall apart. So I think it's that fear. But the cost of staying silent is way too much. And it might, you might not notice it at the moment, but it will show up later in your life. So yeah, definitely. And um, if someone is open to therapy, uh, but hesitant, uh, worried about judgment cost, uh, what will I even say? Or even the fear of being seen. What's a grounded way to start that doesn't overwhelm them?
00:16:36 Dr. Shanta Kanukollu: I think it's a good idea to speak openly with your therapist about all the above. If you've never been in therapy, if you don't know what therapy feels should feel like. If you're worried about the cost of therapy, you know, I think all of these things are important to communicate. And I know that people do it with me. It just changes the whole tone. Right. I can also start to explain things to them about how therapy should feel. I can understand then, oh, maybe they're shutting down in this session because last session was too much for them. Or maybe they're coming less often to therapy or canceling because of cost. We can talk about maybe a lower fee that we can negotiate. Or perhaps there's another colleague who charges less or is, um, you know, maybe a few you years junior to me, but offers a lower rate. Right? Or maybe they don't know how to navigate using insurance, and I can guide them on how to do that to maximize their healthcare benefits to getting the care that they need. Um, it also could be a great place to just practice for people speaking their needs, speaking their fears, right? That therapists should be the person you're able to do that with. And if you can't, that means it might not be a good fit or you might need some help from the therapist. So I think it sets a really important tone to be, um, honest and vulnerable about what your needs are with your therapist. And people might be surprised about what they learn because it's not something we're taught in school. It's not something our families often teach us, right, about what therapy should feel like or look like. And so I think at the very least, at the very. Start speaking directly to your therapist about some of these fears or asking friends who are in therapy. You know, how did they navigate things? How do they negotiate things? Who which therapist do they like? I think it can start to build on a relationship that can be really fruitful.
00:18:46 Archita: Yeah, that's that's a great start. And it's very empowering because it gives people agency, because people need to understand that therapy is not a confession, booth. It's a relationship and it is a process. Uh, and the truth is, even after people start, sometimes they may hit walls and that is completely okay as well. The, the, you know, the thing is starting. So yeah, and that brings me to the point, doctor Shanta, for the person listening who has been in survival mode for years, maybe functioning, maybe smiling, maybe silently suffering. What do you want them to hear about their worth before they do a single healing thing?
00:19:34 Dr. Shanta Kanukollu: I think, you know, it would be helpful for people to just do a check in with themselves. How are you truly feeling? Where do you feel tension in your body? You know, why do you feel like you don't deserve more? You know, whose voice is it that tells you that you're not allowed to ask for more? You know, do you feel like you're ungrateful if you ask for help or get therapy? Because the reality is two things can be true at once. We can be very grateful for what we have and say, I want something different. We can be, um, you know, fully functioning, have a home, a family got married. Checkbox, checkbox, checkbox. And it's okay to say, you know, I have all these things and I think it's time for me to focus on other parts of my life, like my mental health or my spiritual health. I think we all have an intuition. We all have a wise part of us that indicates to us when we're not doing well, or when we need help, or when we need more. And I think for anyone out there who this resonates with, I would encourage you to, you know, let that voice out. You know, whether through journaling, meditation, talking to a friend, you know, kind of start getting curious about where you might be needing to thrive and, you know, what are you willing to do now to get that for yourself?
00:21:02 Archita: That's, that's beautiful. And yeah, what you said, it completely resonated. And I think, yeah, that's some great advice. And I also believe that, uh, I also believe that a lot of this, you know, um, a lot of this pain comes from a place where people seek for answers in other places, but most of the time they are available inside them. They just need to know what questions to ask. So thank you for all of that you shared today. And if there's one thing I can take out from this conversation, it's this thriving begins when we stop treating our pain as shame and start treating support as a human need. So doctor K, for listeners who want to learn from your work, where can they find you and follow along?
00:21:55 Dr. Shanta Kanukollu: Yes please do. If you're on Instagram, you can find me at s k underscore therapy. Those are just my initials. Um, you're also welcome to find my website SNK therapy dot com. I have other podcasts or articles or links that might help you in the process. And please feel free to reach out if you have any questions or want to get involved in my thriving group or need help in finding a therapist.
00:22:25 Archita: Amazing. And we will make sure all of those details are available on our show notes so that our listeners can reach out to you whenever they want. And if today's conversation touched something tender, take a slow breath with me. You don't have to explain your pain to deserve support. And if you're ready, start small. One honest sentence, one safe person, one step towards being held instead of carrying it alone. This is mind over matter. I am Arteta and I'll see you in the next episode.
