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24. (S1E24) Life by Design, Not Default with Christy Metcalf
Episode 247th October 2021 • FINE is a 4-Letter Word • Lori Saitz
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In this episode, I’m talking with Christy Metcalf. Christy is the founder and President of C.E.O. Learning Systems. A family tragedy shaped her life, teaching her the importance of courage and perseverance. It also presented her with what she called a planned or arranged career. And she followed that plan, executed it perfectly and ended up miserable. So she used the courage that had been instilled in her and became an entrepreneur.

We chat about who supports you when you make decisions that don’t fit other people’s expectations of you, using visualization to lay out your future, and the importance of getting in tune with your thoughts and feelings. Because your thoughts direct your feelings, your feelings, direct your actions, and your actions direct your results. And then we get into what happens when you let emotions control you, what does failure even mean, and finding joy in your zone of genius.

Christy is an International Speaker, Trainer, Coach, Author, and Mentor with a true gift of helping clients identify what they want most, the roadblocks holding them back, and the plan to reach it. She believes that everything is figureoutable! Yes it is!

Her ultimate dream job is to one day is to live life in the fast lane driving the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile around the country, meeting fascinating people, and sharing their stories with the world.

Quick reminder, for community and camaraderie, Come join us in the Fine is a 4-Letter Word Facebook group.

Christy’s hype song is I Gotta Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas. Listen here: https://youtu.be/CwdrtwZiQ9E

Website: www.ceolearningsystems.com

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/christy-metcalf/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/christy.buckleymetcalf

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/christy.metcalf/

Transcripts

Lori Saitz:

Is that we have a whole conversation and I don't

Lori Saitz:

record it. Right? Wow. All right. Well, we might as well

Lori Saitz:

just start right over again. There we go. I mean, I have

Lori Saitz:

whatever we had from before, I think but in case we don't Ah,

Lori Saitz:

Christy Welcome to Fine is a 4-Letter Word. Lori. Let me just

Lori Saitz:

tell you that Christy and I have been having technical

Lori Saitz:

difficulties trying to get this interview recorded and we're

Lori Saitz:

laughing because we have just spent the past I don't even know

Lori Saitz:

how many minutes to make this work. But I am, I am still eager

Lori Saitz:

to have Christy share her knowledge and information in her

Lori Saitz:

story. So we're gonna start over again. Christy Tell me, well,

Lori Saitz:

first of all, Christy and I were introduced by a previous guest,

Lori Saitz:

Deb Coviello, who is on a previous episode. I can't

Lori Saitz:

remember which, which number it is 17, I think but go back and

Lori Saitz:

look for Deb Coviello's interview, Deb introduced

Lori Saitz:

Christy and me. And here we are. Here we are fighting with

Lori Saitz:

technology

Christy Metcalf:

I hope you didn't have technical problems

Christy Metcalf:

with her. I'll just say it's me.

Lori Saitz:

We didn't. No, I don't think it's you. I think

Lori Saitz:

it's just this day.

Christy Metcalf:

We're gonna Yeah, we're gonna push through

Christy Metcalf:

and get it done.

Lori Saitz:

We are we are. So thank you so much for your

Lori Saitz:

patience and for joining me here today. And let's start out with

Lori Saitz:

the question that I always ask my guests because I'm just so

Lori Saitz:

curious about what your background is and where you come

Lori Saitz:

from, and what were the values that were instilled in you as a

Lori Saitz:

child that contributed to who you become as an adult?

Christy Metcalf:

Hmm, that's such a great question. So my

Christy Metcalf:

early life was shaped by a tragedy that actually happened

Christy Metcalf:

in our family. So my grandfather was 22 years old, he served in

Christy Metcalf:

the Navy, during World War Two, newly married, he had a six

Christy Metcalf:

month old baby, which was my mom, and he came back to our

Christy Metcalf:

hometown and worked in the steel mill, and he would bring the

Christy Metcalf:

trains with the raw materials in to the steel facility. And one

Christy Metcalf:

day it was raining and he jumped up on the train to grab hold of

Christy Metcalf:

the side, he slipped in his leg went under the train, and it cut

Christy Metcalf:

it off at the knees, and a tragic accident and get six

Christy Metcalf:

weeks later, he went back to work with with a prosthetic leg.

Christy Metcalf:

And I think that that really shaped my mom's childhood and it

Christy Metcalf:

shaped I know my childhood. And so some of the values from that

Christy Metcalf:

lesson, you know, was courage, courage, obviously, but

Christy Metcalf:

perseverance pushing through hard work, don't give up and

Christy Metcalf:

find a way. And I really like when I think about that. It

Christy Metcalf:

really did shape that my childhood and who I am today as

Christy Metcalf:

an individual.

Lori Saitz:

Those are all super strong and what somebody would

Lori Saitz:

consider a positive qualities. But does they ever take on a

Lori Saitz:

more negative? You know, pressure?

Christy Metcalf:

Yeah, I mean, a life of their own right? I like

Christy Metcalf:

to say that anything maximized can become a liability. And I

Christy Metcalf:

really as I think about that, right, the Well, first of all

Christy Metcalf:

trying to measure up like if if you have a family member that's

Christy Metcalf:

gone through a tragedy like that, and overcome these

Christy Metcalf:

unsurmountable odds, and is basically living this life, you

Christy Metcalf:

feel like anything that you are in your life that's not going

Christy Metcalf:

your way is just minuscule, right? So I think that there's

Christy Metcalf:

another side of it where you know, always find a way Don't

Christy Metcalf:

give up. But there are times where you have to give up right?

Christy Metcalf:

There are times where you push through, and you're exhausted

Christy Metcalf:

and you're tired and for your own self care and self sanity,

Christy Metcalf:

that it's time to walk away from it. And growing up I learned to

Christy Metcalf:

put on the mask and to be stoic and to show up, right? Whether

Christy Metcalf:

you feel like it or not, you fake it till you make it and I

Christy Metcalf:

think that there's a really dark side to that.

Lori Saitz:

Yeah, because then you're putting pressure on

Lori Saitz:

yourself. You're First of all, you're not necessarily taking

Lori Saitz:

care of yourself when you need to. You're putting pressure on

Lori Saitz:

yourself to accomplish, right when maybe like you said, maybe

Lori Saitz:

you do need to step back. I know, you know, as

Lori Saitz:

entrepreneurs, we're always told never ever, ever, ever give up.

Lori Saitz:

Right? And sometimes you're beating your head against the

Lori Saitz:

wall. And you need to turn around and look and see if

Lori Saitz:

there's something else that you could do differently. Yeah,

Lori Saitz:

maybe it's a simple pivot and maybe it's like in my case when

Lori Saitz:

I was running my Baking Company shut the whole thing down

Lori Saitz:

because this is not serving you.

Christy Metcalf:

Yeah, well and you know, there's that other

Christy Metcalf:

side of it like you can you can continue pushing yourself until

Christy Metcalf:

you look back and you're like, Am I happy doing this? Like, I

Christy Metcalf:

think that's ultimately the question. Right? Right. I think

Christy Metcalf:

all of us have it within us to be great and do extraordinary

Christy Metcalf:

things. But are we happy doing those things? And that's the

Christy Metcalf:

question to be answered. If we're not if we get to a point,

Christy Metcalf:

which I love the name of the podcast, right? Fine. If we're

Christy Metcalf:

just at a point where we're fine, and we're not living life

Christy Metcalf:

to its fullest, or its greatest potential, it's time to make

Christy Metcalf:

some changes.

Lori Saitz:

Yeah. So what have there has there been a situation

Lori Saitz:

where you use those qualities, and you found yourself in a

Lori Saitz:

situation where everything was fine. And you went along? for

Lori Saitz:

however long? It was? How Tell me about that?

Christy Metcalf:

Yeah, so I have to say, you know, from the time

Christy Metcalf:

I was young, I was sort of groomed, I'm an only child. And

Christy Metcalf:

I was sort of groomed that this path this. This planned future

Christy Metcalf:

had been laid out before me, I call it a planned an arranged

Christy Metcalf:

career. And that was I was going to go to college, I was the

Christy Metcalf:

first one first generation on both sides of my family to go to

Christy Metcalf:

college, I was going to lay in this amazing corporate job, and

Christy Metcalf:

then life would just unfold in this blissful way. And I

Christy Metcalf:

followed the plan entirely the way it was supposed to be. I

Christy Metcalf:

landed a great corporate job. 11 years later, I was in the

Christy Metcalf:

corporate office, you know, doing my dream job, but

Christy Metcalf:

completely burned out, strung out overwhelmed. And I did not

Christy Metcalf:

have a life. I mean, I was miserable. And I was standing in

Christy Metcalf:

Kansas City, actually doing a leadership development program.

Christy Metcalf:

And I'd asked the participants, when they introduce themselves

Christy Metcalf:

to tell me something fun they did in their life besides work,

Christy Metcalf:

and it's 36 people introduce themselves, I realized, I did

Christy Metcalf:

not have anything outside of work. And I was newly married.

Christy Metcalf:

And it was just sort of this epiphany that came over me like,

Christy Metcalf:

how did I let this happened? And I went back and I had a

Christy Metcalf:

conversation with my boss, and I said, I can't keep this pace up,

Christy Metcalf:

I need some life balance. And he said to me, Christylaurie, there

Christy Metcalf:

is no, no. And meaning this is the job. This is what you signed

Christy Metcalf:

up for, this is what it is. And I went home and I said to my

Christy Metcalf:

husband, I need to find the know. And he was like, Well, why

Christy Metcalf:

don't you start your own company? I do people do that. I

Christy Metcalf:

hadn't been raised in an entrepreneurial family. I'm

Christy Metcalf:

like, is that allowed and not allowed? And so the flip side of

Christy Metcalf:

it is, you know, I was smart enough to do it. And I could do

Christy Metcalf:

it. But it was giving up the dream that my family had for me.

Christy Metcalf:

Right, which on the outside, anybody who saw my life would

Christy Metcalf:

have said, Oh, my gosh, you have an amazing life. Yeah, you have

Christy Metcalf:

this great job. You're traveling all the time you live in a

Christy Metcalf:

beautiful home, you're newly married. And yet I was so

Christy Metcalf:

unfulfilled, and I put the steps in place, I worked with a coach.

Christy Metcalf:

And really it wasn't about the expertise. I wasn't questioning

Christy Metcalf:

the expertise. I was questioning, walking away and

Christy Metcalf:

feeling the guilt and shame from walking away from a good life to

Christy Metcalf:

start something even better. But people didn't see that.

Lori Saitz:

What was it? Like when you had to tell your

Lori Saitz:

parents that? Did you feel like you were disappointing them?

Christy Metcalf:

Yes, absolutely. And as a matter of

Christy Metcalf:

fact, you know, I can say that my friends and my family, those

Christy Metcalf:

who I thought would be most supportive because they knew me,

Christy Metcalf:

were actually not supportive. They said, Are you crazy, you're

Christy Metcalf:

giving up the security of corporate America, you have a

Christy Metcalf:

great job, you're going to, you know, you're going to be the one

Christy Metcalf:

to break through the glass ceiling. Why are you doing this?

Christy Metcalf:

Like they thought it was crazy. And every single time they say,

Christy Metcalf:

what are you going to do if you fail? And I said, I'll go get

Christy Metcalf:

another job, right? I mean, I knew I could go get another job.

Christy Metcalf:

That's what I had already done. But at that moment, I wanted

Christy Metcalf:

some balance in my life, I just wanted to regroup and take a

Christy Metcalf:

pause. And I said, Hey, if this entrepreneur thing doesn't work

Christy Metcalf:

out, I'll be happy to go get another job. And that was 20

Christy Metcalf:

years ago. So it's amazing that I thought the people around me

Christy Metcalf:

would be the most supportive and they actually weren't.

Lori Saitz:

Yeah, that's interesting, because that

Lori Saitz:

happens to a lot of people, they think you would think that the

Lori Saitz:

people who are closest to you would be the most supportive,

Lori Saitz:

but they're not because you are threatening their way of being.

Christy Metcalf:

Yeah, well, and I and honestly, I had everything

Christy Metcalf:

that they had ever wanted, right? So I had a life that most

Christy Metcalf:

of my family had never even dreamed of, even at 3132 years

Christy Metcalf:

old. And why would I Why would I throw that away? Why would I

Christy Metcalf:

start all over? Why would I follow the unknown and want to

Christy Metcalf:

chart my own course. And I think when they say those things now

Christy Metcalf:

that I work with entrepreneurs, when they say those things

Christy Metcalf:

there, it's really about them right about you. Right? I can

Christy Metcalf:

look back on it. Now. I didn't know that at the time. But it

Christy Metcalf:

was really about all their fears and insecurities and doubts

Christy Metcalf:

about doing it not about me doing

Lori Saitz:

exactly, exactly and this is also why it's so

Lori Saitz:

important to have friends whose and you know, and talk to your

Lori Saitz:

friends but also why they are not necessarily the best people

Lori Saitz:

to help you get to that next level of where you want to go

Lori Saitz:

and why coaches are so important because, one, they're what's the

Lori Saitz:

word I'm looking for? They're not they're objective,

Christy Metcalf:

right? And neutral, totally neutral. That's

Christy Metcalf:

the word Yeah.

Lori Saitz:

And your friends, again, your friends are

Lori Saitz:

threatened because they have their own fears. And you doing

Lori Saitz:

those things, whether it's in taking a career step like that,

Lori Saitz:

or changing your life in a personal way, right, makes them

Lori Saitz:

examine what they're doing and how they're living. And that is

Lori Saitz:

scary for them.

Christy Metcalf:

It's very scary. And I like to say the

Christy Metcalf:

people that are in our inner circle, they only know the

Christy Metcalf:

person that we are today. And they can see the history, right,

Christy Metcalf:

they can see the behind. But they many times can't see the

Christy Metcalf:

future. And we need to surround ourselves when we're in those

Christy Metcalf:

huge transitions. We need to surround ourselves with people

Christy Metcalf:

that actually see where we're going, not where we came from.

Lori Saitz:

Right? And where you could go the possibilities, the

Lori Saitz:

possibilities of it all. Yeah. So you mentioned that you went

Lori Saitz:

around that room and ask people that question, and you weren't

Lori Saitz:

having any fun. So another thing that I hear from a lot of people

Lori Saitz:

is, I don't even know what fun is anymore. I've said it myself.

Lori Saitz:

Yeah, I have to. What did you do to discover that because

Lori Saitz:

obviously taking going out on your own and becoming an

Lori Saitz:

entrepreneur is was the thing that you came up with, but

Lori Saitz:

that's still business, that's still career, business, what,

Lori Saitz:

did you also find fun things to do?

Christy Metcalf:

Absolutely. So you know, when I sat down and

Christy Metcalf:

looked at my life holistically after that day, I looked at what

Christy Metcalf:

was missing that I envisioned in my perfect life, right. And what

Christy Metcalf:

was missing was, I was not a part of the community that I

Christy Metcalf:

lived in, I wasn't even part of the neighborhood that I lived

Christy Metcalf:

in. So my husband and I had lived there. For years, we had

Christy Metcalf:

moved to Columbus, Ohio for this job for me to take this job. And

Christy Metcalf:

immediately I hit the ground running and I can look back and

Christy Metcalf:

see where some of the chaos I created myself. So I was doing a

Christy Metcalf:

career transition. I was going from sales into sales, training

Christy Metcalf:

and development. And I wanted to prove myself I was hell bent on

Christy Metcalf:

becoming the expert. So I had 30 certifications, and I did the

Christy Metcalf:

the trips and anything that they needed somebody to do, I wanted

Christy Metcalf:

to do it because I wanted to prove that I should be there.

Christy Metcalf:

And that actually ended up working against me, right? I

Christy Metcalf:

then became this highly qualified, a trained person that

Christy Metcalf:

everybody wanted. And that's how I ended up saying yes to all of

Christy Metcalf:

these things. So I was my own worst enemy. But I sit down and

Christy Metcalf:

I looked at, okay, what were the things in my life that were most

Christy Metcalf:

important that I envisioned being in that perfect life that

Christy Metcalf:

were no longer there. And so a sense of community being a part

Christy Metcalf:

of my neighborhood, my husband was married, but living a single

Christy Metcalf:

life, because I was traveling Monday through Friday, I wanted

Christy Metcalf:

to know my neighbor's, I wanted to belong to a church, I wanted

Christy Metcalf:

to volunteer in the community, like all of those pieces, were

Christy Metcalf:

very important to me. And so from that, once I had that clear

Christy Metcalf:

picture, I was like, Okay, then how do I design this next step

Christy Metcalf:

to have those pieces in it, rather than to defaulting to the

Christy Metcalf:

crazy that I've just come out of? And I think many times we do

Christy Metcalf:

default, right? Yeah, lives in this dysfunctional system. And

Christy Metcalf:

then we come out, we start our own businesses, but we

Christy Metcalf:

redesigned what we just left instead. That's all we know.

Christy Metcalf:

That's all we know. Right? Instead of redesigning what we

Christy Metcalf:

truly want, on our own terms.

Lori Saitz:

Yes. And being intentional about

Christy Metcalf:

And being intentional about it. Yep,

Christy Metcalf:

absolutely.

Lori Saitz:

Right. Yes. How? What were the so you sat down

Lori Saitz:

and said, Alright, this is what I visualize.

Christy Metcalf:

Yep. And then I created a plan. So I spent about

Christy Metcalf:

six months, really putting that plan together. Financially, you

Christy Metcalf:

know, part of my business plan was financially, we didn't have

Christy Metcalf:

kids, we paid all of the bills off except for our house. So we

Christy Metcalf:

were in a good financial place, we set some very low goals, like

Christy Metcalf:

I needed to make $10,000 you know, in the last quarter of the

Christy Metcalf:

year, I actually left and started my business in October.

Christy Metcalf:

And so it was like minimal goals, but still goals that I

Christy Metcalf:

had to work right. So I the whole goal in the beginning was

Christy Metcalf:

to create this balance. And I have to say it was so scary the

Christy Metcalf:

first day that I was out of the corporate job and I was home,

Christy Metcalf:

because that's reality, right everybody I know is working. I

Christy Metcalf:

have I have now just because I hung a shingle out I said this

Christy Metcalf:

is my new job doesn't mean that I actually believed that. In

Christy Metcalf:

fact, I tell the story all the time, of how every quarter I

Christy Metcalf:

would send a tax return in you know, because as business

Christy Metcalf:

owners, we do quarterly taxes and I would sign my signature

Christy Metcalf:

and then it says title and I would put president and for

Christy Metcalf:

years, every quarter, I was afraid that IRS was going to

Christy Metcalf:

call and say what you're really not a president of a company,

Christy Metcalf:

right? So it takes a while to like, step into that skin, new

Christy Metcalf:

role, whatever that new role is, you know, I think about when I

Christy Metcalf:

had kids stepping into that mother role, stepping into that

Christy Metcalf:

wife role stepping into a partner role, or a business

Christy Metcalf:

owner, like it's a transition. It's not just overnight. And

Christy Metcalf:

I've always used this phrase, it was it's in a book called

Christy Metcalf:

managing transitions. And he says, you know, transitions

Christy Metcalf:

begin with endings, and end with new beginnings. And in the

Christy Metcalf:

middle, is all the emotion that we don't stop to realize it's

Christy Metcalf:

going to happen. And I've always remembered that,

Lori Saitz:

yes, so how do you address that emotion because

Lori Saitz:

again, people are conditioned to not feel. I've had conversations

Lori Saitz:

with so many of my guests and clients and just people I talked

Lori Saitz:

to who have actually grown up not been and been the value

Lori Saitz:

instilled in them was we don't have emotions or we don't

Lori Saitz:

express them, we stuffed them down and like you were talking

Lori Saitz:

about, we just keep going on. You didn't say that that was

Lori Saitz:

part of your family. But but the, you know, nose to the

Lori Saitz:

grindstone? Don't we don't do feelings?

Christy Metcalf:

That's exactly right. Yeah, my family wasn't

Christy Metcalf:

total opposite of that. But But we did you know, we did push

Christy Metcalf:

through. And I would like to say that today, I am much healthier

Christy Metcalf:

in the way that I handle those emotions and transitions than I

Christy Metcalf:

was in my early 30s when I started my business. But you

Christy Metcalf:

know, one of the things is, there's tremendous power with

Christy Metcalf:

sitting in the discomfort. And we try to fill the discomfort. I

Christy Metcalf:

actually call it buffering, and buffering, I think of it as the

Christy Metcalf:

spinning wheel of death on a computer, right? When you're

Christy Metcalf:

trying to get to a page and it's just buffering. And it's action,

Christy Metcalf:

but it's not good action. And so when we feel uncomfortable, we

Christy Metcalf:

reach for things that make us feel better in the moment,

Christy Metcalf:

right? We shop online, we drink the zone out on Facebook, we veg

Christy Metcalf:

out in front of the TV on Netflix for four hours. Yeah,

Christy Metcalf:

no, and it makes us feel good in the moment. But overall, it's

Christy Metcalf:

not fixing the problem. And I say, you know, have a glass of

Christy Metcalf:

wine, do whatever it is you want to do. But don't get caught in

Christy Metcalf:

the endless loop to where you're living there and not moving

Christy Metcalf:

forward. So now I recognize it, you know, I don't eat the whole

Christy Metcalf:

bag of m&ms when I'm feeling the discomfort i just i i find

Christy Metcalf:

healthier options. Maybe it's just a handful of m&ms versus

Christy Metcalf:

the whole bag. But it's recognizing that and I think you

Christy Metcalf:

know, many times with age comes wisdom, in that I've learned all

Christy Metcalf:

of those skills and coping mechanisms through the years.

Lori Saitz:

Yeah. Do you use any, any tools now? Like

Lori Saitz:

journaling? or meditation? Or how do you keep yourself

Lori Saitz:

grounded and focus now?

Christy Metcalf:

Yeah, I do. Both, actually. So I start my

Christy Metcalf:

morning off with journaling. And then I do meditation a couple

Christy Metcalf:

times throughout the day, and it's becoming very centered and

Christy Metcalf:

present is to how I'm feeling at that moment. And, and just

Christy Metcalf:

understanding you know, one of the things I've taught emotional

Christy Metcalf:

intelligence for years, and I've tried to teach both of my young

Christy Metcalf:

children that emotions are not good or bad, they just are

Christy Metcalf:

right, and they're all there to serve a purpose. You know, fear

Christy Metcalf:

is there to protect us. We want to feel fear, anger is there to

Christy Metcalf:

protect us. All of the emotions are there for a reason. And we

Christy Metcalf:

have to allow each of them to surface and then understand

Christy Metcalf:

where they coming from, you know, what thoughts are creating

Christy Metcalf:

those emotions that I'm feeling? And do I want to allow them to

Christy Metcalf:

control me? Or do I want to change the story about them? And

Christy Metcalf:

and how long am I going to let myself sit and stew and wallow

Christy Metcalf:

in the self pity, and then pull myself out of it and go forward?

Lori Saitz:

Right? I just saw something recently to about

Lori Saitz:

emotions. So you said emotion serving a purpose. Yeah,

Lori Saitz:

emotions as an indicator.

Christy Metcalf:

Yes, it's our warning signal, right? Actually,

Christy Metcalf:

you know, emotions, start firing off the limbic system in our in

Christy Metcalf:

our reptilian brain, and they're actually warning systems. That's

Christy Metcalf:

why we feel them like our body goes through a natural change

Christy Metcalf:

whenever those feelings come up, you know, and if we are scared

Christy Metcalf:

and self protection, like all of the body emotions, like the

Christy Metcalf:

reptilian brain and the respiratory all go into

Christy Metcalf:

protecting us, so they are there. Now we have as human

Christy Metcalf:

beings, and Evolved Human beings we have to decide, right? Am I

Christy Metcalf:

really in fear and need protection, or is it a false

Christy Metcalf:

fear that's coming up and we have to recognize that right?

Christy Metcalf:

It's no longer I'm running from the saber toothed tiger, but it

Christy Metcalf:

could be stressed and overwhelmed giving Off the same

Christy Metcalf:

indicators,

Lori Saitz:

right? And as is this fear, I'm physically in

Lori Saitz:

harm's way, or it's just something I don't feel

Lori Saitz:

comfortable doing. Is it? comfortable? Yeah. And in which

Lori Saitz:

case, oftentimes, feeling that fear means you have to move

Lori Saitz:

forward towards the thing. Like that's the indicator is the

Lori Saitz:

thing you need to do, because that's where your growth is.

Christy Metcalf:

Yeah, yeah. So when I work with clients, I

Christy Metcalf:

actually take them through a whole, we call it the thought

Christy Metcalf:

download model, and they become very in tune to their thoughts

Christy Metcalf:

and their feelings, because your thoughts direct your feelings,

Christy Metcalf:

your feelings, direct your actions, your actions, direct

Christy Metcalf:

your results. And when they feel those warning signals, go off

Christy Metcalf:

those firing emotions, to pause and think about where they're

Christy Metcalf:

coming from. Because they will always give you indicators,

Christy Metcalf:

right? It will always be clues. Why do I feel uncomfortable

Christy Metcalf:

here? Why am I feeling afraid? Why am I feeling angry? And it

Christy Metcalf:

really is, the whole premise is to become so self aware that you

Christy Metcalf:

can, you're not going to mitigate completely the emotion

Christy Metcalf:

being fired off. But you can mitigate how long you stay in

Christy Metcalf:

that emotion.

Lori Saitz:

Right? Yeah, exactly. And recognize whether

Lori Saitz:

that's truly your own emotion? Or is that coming from someplace

Lori Saitz:

else that gets passed down to you

Christy Metcalf:

absolutely. peeling back the onion? And is

Christy Metcalf:

this something that I picked up? Because of my childhood? Or is

Christy Metcalf:

this something that's truly I want to hang on to? And you

Christy Metcalf:

know, I've had several times like that, like, one of my

Christy Metcalf:

biggest fears is being embarrassed, you know, like,

Christy Metcalf:

literally looking like an idiot in front of a group of people

Christy Metcalf:

and not looking smart, and embarrassing myself. And so

Christy Metcalf:

there were times earlier on in my career when I was younger,

Christy Metcalf:

that if someone would question, something that I had done or

Christy Metcalf:

said, right, those warning signals would fire off. Oh, my

Christy Metcalf:

gosh, I'm looking stupid right now. And it has nothing to do

Christy Metcalf:

with that. It's just they were asking for clarification.

Lori Saitz:

Right? Yeah, I can completely relate. Yeah. Why are

Lori Saitz:

you questioning me? Right? Question me? Yeah. And I've had

Lori Saitz:

the opposite. The opposite happen. I remember, at one of my

Lori Saitz:

very first jobs, I was asking a lot of questions, I tend to ask

Lori Saitz:

it, which is why I love doing my podcast, because I get to ask

Lori Saitz:

questions. But because I'm genuinely curious. Yeah. And

Lori Saitz:

this woman who was my new boss, would take offense, because she

Lori Saitz:

thought I was questioning her authority or her ability

Christy Metcalf:

Intellingence,

Lori Saitz:

Yeah, her intelligence. But I genuinely

Lori Saitz:

just wanted to know, because I was new. I didn't know anything.

Lori Saitz:

I wanted to know everything.

Christy Metcalf:

Yeah. And those were all about her. Yeah, not

Christy Metcalf:

about you. Right at all. And I, you know, through the years, I

Christy Metcalf:

have learned that I cannot control other people's thoughts,

Christy Metcalf:

what they think about me what they feel about me, that's all

Christy Metcalf:

on them. So I just have to do I have to do me and let them do

Christy Metcalf:

them.

Lori Saitz:

Yes, exactly. Are you you mentioned your your

Lori Saitz:

children are? I'm wondering, you know, I don't have children. But

Lori Saitz:

I wonder about this a lot of instilling when we talk about

Lori Saitz:

instilling values, and then not worrying so much about what

Lori Saitz:

other people think of you and downloading that to a child's

Lori Saitz:

brain?

Christy Metcalf:

Yeah, well, I would love to say that the work

Christy Metcalf:

that I've done for the last 20 years has made me a better

Christy Metcalf:

parent. And I waited later in life to become a parent, but you

Christy Metcalf:

have really, you know, they can do them. And you can do you not

Christy Metcalf:

to get so hung up, I see it. Now I have a teenager. And I just

Christy Metcalf:

see if there's this period where you want to fit in, I remember

Christy Metcalf:

that period where you don't want to stand out, you want to blend,

Christy Metcalf:

you want the shoes and the backpack and everything to look

Christy Metcalf:

like everybody else's. And yet, you know, I'm standing over here

Christy Metcalf:

on the sideline saying, Oh, my gosh, please stand out, I want

Christy Metcalf:

you to stand out. And she's like, I'll stand out when the

Christy Metcalf:

time is right. So it really is the the more confidence, you

Christy Metcalf:

know, girls confidence plummets by around age 10. It's at its

Christy Metcalf:

highest point like age 10. And then it starts declining. And I

Christy Metcalf:

really hope that we are changing that for the girls who are

Christy Metcalf:

following us in our footsteps right now. Because I think it's

Christy Metcalf:

a tragedy that they I watched it, I was actually a chaperone.

Christy Metcalf:

And both of my girls camp trips that they do a school in fifth

Christy Metcalf:

grade. And I saw the boys volunteer first and try new

Christy Metcalf:

things and fail quicker. And the girls would sort of hold back

Christy Metcalf:

and just wait. And I asked the teachers, I said, Is this

Christy Metcalf:

indicative of fifth grade? And she said yes, they all agreed,

Christy Metcalf:

yes, it is. And I want my kids to fail early. I want them not

Christy Metcalf:

to be afraid of failure, not to be afraid of embarrassing

Christy Metcalf:

themselves, you know, because failure means you're trying it.

Christy Metcalf:

And the next time and the next time it's gonna get easier.

Lori Saitz:

Yeah, I think it was Sara, Sara Blakely, I heard her

Lori Saitz:

speak, speak. She's the founder of Spanx for people who don't

Lori Saitz:

know who she is. But that at her dinner table when she was

Lori Saitz:

growing up, her dad would always ask, what did you fail at today?

Lori Saitz:

I love that it was her family, but somewhere, somebody Yeah,

Christy Metcalf:

I'm going to incorporate that. I like that.

Christy Metcalf:

that was the thing.

Christy Metcalf:

Well, and because we are so conditioned not to fail, right?

Christy Metcalf:

It's, it's just a, it's like a sword through our heart to fail

Christy Metcalf:

to even think about the pride and the ego. And yet life is

Christy Metcalf:

about failure. You know, you try. If we think about all the

Christy Metcalf:

greats, the great inventors, Thomas Edison, he failed more

Christy Metcalf:

than he succeeded. How many times have you have to fail in

Christy Metcalf:

order to make it work. And I think that we tend to forget

Christy Metcalf:

that we, even in business, I see new business owners, they want

Christy Metcalf:

to make a video and have it go viral, they want to write one,

Christy Metcalf:

one email and have it sell millions. And it just doesn't

Christy Metcalf:

work that way. It's failure every single day, picking

Christy Metcalf:

yourself back up and doing it again.

Lori Saitz:

It's really to about redefining what that word even

Lori Saitz:

means, right? Because it doesn't mean it doesn't define you.

Lori Saitz:

First of all, failure doesn't define you. But also, it just

Lori Saitz:

means you didn't get the outcome you were expecting. Right?

Christy Metcalf:

And there's next time, right, then I, when I

Christy Metcalf:

left corporate, I actually worked with a coach. And that

Christy Metcalf:

was her question. How would you define failure in this next

Christy Metcalf:

venture? What does failure look like? And I had reached a point

Christy Metcalf:

where I said, failure is not trying. So anything else? And

Christy Metcalf:

then she said, Okay, what would failure really look like,

Christy Metcalf:

though, in your business? And I said, that I couldn't get one

Christy Metcalf:

client like that would that would be what failure look like?

Christy Metcalf:

And she said, Do you think that that's possible? And I said,

Christy Metcalf:

Absolutely not. I mean, somebody would buy for me, I just knew

Christy Metcalf:

that it wasn't possible that I had spent 11 years selling, and

Christy Metcalf:

that I could not get one person to buy something from me. So at

Christy Metcalf:

that point, as soon as I said that, what it meant to me what

Christy Metcalf:

it looked like, it totally diffused it. I was like, I can't

Christy Metcalf:

fail. Yeah, by my own standards, I cannot fail.

Lori Saitz:

Right? And we hear that question a lot of times,

Lori Saitz:

like, what would you do? If you knew you wouldn't fail? Right?

Lori Saitz:

If you knew failure wasn't possible, right? But taking a

Lori Saitz:

step back of what does failure even mean? And so then answering

Lori Saitz:

that question, like, that just opens up so much possibility,

Lori Saitz:

right. And that comes back to the whole, like, brings the

Lori Saitz:

conversation kind of full circle of, of doing what you love

Lori Saitz:

finding the thing. That is fun, right for you.

Christy Metcalf:

Yeah, I I had someone early on in my career,

Christy Metcalf:

tell me, you know, find something that you love doing so

Christy Metcalf:

much, that you would do it for free, but that you're so good at

Christy Metcalf:

that people want to pay you to do it. And that has always stuck

Christy Metcalf:

with me because it is about having fun, and working with

Christy Metcalf:

clients that, that bring out the best in you and you bring out

Christy Metcalf:

the best in them. And everybody has a group of people that

Christy Metcalf:

they're meant to serve. And when I watch new business owners say,

Christy Metcalf:

Oh, you know, I can sell everybody I'm like, you really

Christy Metcalf:

don't want to, we've all worked with a difficult customer, the

Christy Metcalf:

customer that we dreaded, you know, at the end of the project

Christy Metcalf:

working with and we're like, we will never work with them again.

Christy Metcalf:

Yeah. So it is about enjoying what you do, doing what you love

Christy Metcalf:

what you're good at, not focusing on what you're not good

Christy Metcalf:

at, but focusing on what you are good at. And finding those other

Christy Metcalf:

people that complement you in those areas that you may not

Christy Metcalf:

have a skill set or a strength. And then you're both working in

Christy Metcalf:

your zone of genius,

Lori Saitz:

right? building your team of people that you work

Lori Saitz:

with and building your tribe of your ideal clients.

Christy Metcalf:

Absolutely. That's the name of the game.

Christy Metcalf:

That is,

Lori Saitz:

before we wrap this up. Tell me what song you listen

Lori Saitz:

to when you need to get into that happy mood when you need

Lori Saitz:

that extra boost of energy. And you know, the song that you

Lori Saitz:

can't sit still too.

Christy Metcalf:

Yep, so the song is I've Got a Feeling by

Christy Metcalf:

Black Eyed Peas. And I crank it and blast it and it works every

Christy Metcalf:

single time.

Lori Saitz:

Good song good song. Yeah, I'm just see. I can see in

Lori Saitz:

your car right now. windows are rolled up. Right, but you're

Lori Saitz:

dancing it.

Christy Metcalf:

That's exactly it. My kids know that. That's

Christy Metcalf:

the song. If people if we're having a bad day in the house,

Christy Metcalf:

that is the song that is cranked up full force. And it's amazing

Christy Metcalf:

how it will just turn it around. Right? Because you cannot sit

Christy Metcalf:

still. But some of that music has the ability to do I know it

Christy Metcalf:

really is it. Music has the ability to inspire us to create

Christy Metcalf:

emotion within us. I mean it's amazing.

Lori Saitz:

Yeah, it is. It is So if people want to continue a

Lori Saitz:

conversation with you how what's the best way for them to get in

Lori Saitz:

touch with you?

Christy Metcalf:

Yeah, best way is LinkedIn. So I'm always

Christy Metcalf:

hanging out there. And you know, I do work with clients, I do a

Christy Metcalf:

small group programs. I am passionate about helping

Christy Metcalf:

business owners, small business owner solopreneurs, make money

Christy Metcalf:

and get out of their way Get out of their head. And I work in

Christy Metcalf:

small cohorts where it is low content, high action, high

Christy Metcalf:

accountability, to make their financial dreams and their

Christy Metcalf:

business, everything that they want it to be.

Lori Saitz:

Okay, so find you on LinkedIn.

Christy Metcalf:

Yep. Christy Metcalf. Yeah. Find me on

Christy Metcalf:

LinkedIn. My website CEO learning systems. I've got that

Christy Metcalf:

going on right now. And yeah, reach out. Let's have a

Christy Metcalf:

conversation about what the struggles and the pain points

Christy Metcalf:

are. I have 25 years in business, working with fortune

Christy Metcalf:

500 all the way down to nonprofits and solopreneurs.

Christy Metcalf:

There's probably not a question I can't answer or find somebody

Christy Metcalf:

who can answer it for me.

Lori Saitz:

Excellent. Excellent. Well, thank you so

Lori Saitz:

much for joining. We'll we'll we will put links to all of that in

Lori Saitz:

the show notes. And thank you so much for joining us today on

Lori Saitz:

Fine is a 4-Letter Word.

Christy Metcalf:

Thanks, Lori.

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