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00:02:56 According to Psychology Today, emotional intelligence (EI) is “the ability to identify and manage one’s own emotions as well as the emotions of others."

00:04:02 Cultivating Emotional Awareness

00:08:01 Harnessing Those Pesky Emotions

00:13:09 Emotional Management

00:16:15 Validation As Connection

00:17:47 What Validation ISN’T

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• There is no communication without emotions. That means that conversational intelligence is emotional intelligence. EQ is a mix of three skills: awareness of emotions, harnessing emotions, and managing emotions.

• If we are emotionally aware, we are able to identify what we are feeling in a conversation as well as observe and comprehend what another person is feeling—even if it’s wildly different from our own experience. We are also then in a position to harness those emotions and to proactively and consciously choose a response.

• Slow down or pause, reflect what you’re being told, and see if you can put the newly identified and named emotion to good use.

• Managing emotions means being conscious and deliberate: We can accept and acknowledge how we feel but still make conscious choices about our behavior according to our chosen goals.

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According to Psychology Today, emotional intelligence (EI) is “theabilityto identify and manage one’s own emotions as well as the emotions of others." So, it’s an awareness that needs to go both ways. We all know about the power of listening, but we cannot be masterful listeners without first being skillful with our emotions and the emotions of others. We are all influenced by emotion—what varies is the degree to which we are aware of it and hence can control the process! EI is a cluster of three separate skills, which we’ll see popping up again and again: 1. Emotional awareness of self and others 2. The ability to harness and use emotions(hint: not suppress them!) 3. The ability to manage emotions (i.e., we always choose our actions no matter what) Let’s take a look at each one a little more closely. Cultivating Emotional Awareness If we are emotionally aware, we are able to identify what we are feeling in a conversation, as well as observe and comprehend what another person is feeling—even if it’s wildly different from our own experience.

We have already begun to practice this in developing our body language reading skills—did you notice how posture, eye contact, proximity, etc. all reveal how the person in front of you feels? In good conversation, we are not merely seeking to understand the other person on a cognitive level, but to feel what they feel and see what they see. Emotional intelligence is realizing that the most important data that anyone can communicate with you at any time is what they are feeling—the factual content becomes a distant second. Imagine you’re talking to someone, and you work hard to get your own prejudices, need for control, inflexibility, etc. out of the way so you can really observe this person. You see: •A hunched posture with hands tightly curled in lap •A low-volume voice but hurried and disorganized speech •Gaze at the floor and hastily avoiding eye contact •Corners of the mouth downturned, inner corners of eyebrows pinched toward center of forehead •Frequent use of “I’m sorry” and phrases like, “I know this will sound stupid, but ... ” Even if you completely ignore the verbal content of what you’re told, emotional intelligence means putting all this together to see this person’s sadness, low self-esteem, and perhaps anxiety. It is not rocket science to come to this conclusion—seeing it in bullet points like this makes it easy, right? But when you are out in the world and encountering real people, all this information may well be there ... only you are not paying attention to it.

Why? Because you’re too busy with your own fears, opinions, and what you want to say next. If you are emotionally aware, you may also notice that in this person’s presence, you feel a subtle drop in your own energy levels. This is not magic; there is no intuition or gut feeling involved—you are simply aware of what is happening right before your eyes. Now let’s imagine that in this situation, the person in front of you is saying, “I’m feeling pretty positive about things these days, you know? This new job looks promising, and I think there’s a lot of opportunity there. I know this will sound stupid, but isn’t it strange how scary it can actually be to get what you want?

I hoped and prayed I’d get this job, and now that I have it ... it’s, uh, it’s really great. I guess." If you “listened” only to the words, you’d miss so much of what this person was communicating. If you were emotionally intelligent, however, you would see a more nuanced view: This person feels as though they should be happy about their new job, but they feel conflicted since they really aren’t! Develop this skill: The very next conversation you’re in, quickly do a scan of both the other person and yourself and see if you can settle on a single word or phrase to describe their current emotional experience in that conversation. The more you practice quickly doing this in real time, the easier and more automatic it will become. Harnessing Those Pesky Emotions When you are unaware of emotions, you will necessarily be at their mercy.

They will seem to you mysterious, unpredictable, and even annoying. But when you are aware of emotions—yours and other people’s—then you are in a position to proactively and consciously choose your response. In our example, unless the person understands that they’re feeling conflicted, they cannot take any steps to resolve the problem or choose something different. They will be pushed around by this sense of tension without ever knowing why or how it’s happening. Likewise, if you cannot be aware for them that this is happening, you are totally unable to understand where they’re coming from and cannot even begin to be useful, empathetic, or supportive to them, because you don’t actually know what they’re experiencing or what they need. So you smile broadly and shake their hand and congratulate them for their good fortune in securing such a great job. Any communication between the two of you is necessarily compromised because it lacks a foundation of real emotional awareness.

Have you ever felt that some relationships have always seemed to remain shallow and unfulfilling somehow? Do you have people in your life where you think, “We never really get one another”? Chances are, there is a lack of emotional connection somewhere along the line. With awareness, though, you can harness your experience and put it to use toward the things you consciously decide are important. For example, you can see your friend is struggling, and since you value being a good and empathetic friend, you can say kindly, “Hey, let me know if I’ve got this all wrong, but you seem a little unsure about this new job. How are you feeling about it?" The level of communication that is possible between the two of you is instantly enhanced.

Now, it is possible to learn more about each other, to find solutions, to connect, and to leave a conversation saying, “That person really gets me." How can you harness your own emotions or encourage others to harness theirs? •Frequently pause during conversations and check in with yourself. How does your body, heart, and soul feel? Notice what your body is doing and what thoughts are in your mind. Notice what you’re saying. There’s no need for judgment or premature interpretation—just stop and do a little “awareness check” on what you’re actually experiencing.

•You can invite someone else to do the same by reflecting their experience to heighten awareness. Describe what you’re seeing and hearing. Put labels on emotions and experiences. “Hm, this seems like a stressful situation, huh?” or, “Do you think you’re feeling a little overwhelmed?" Don’t underestimate the power of simply asking, “Hey, how are you feeling right now?" You’d be surprised at how seldom some people actually pause and ask themselves this. •In any conversation, you can gain control and awareness by slowing down (or pausing completely) and becoming aware.

If you find yourself rushing, literally lean back and take a deep breath. You can still keep the conversation going by asking an open-ended question rather than immediately responding. •Finally, the essence of harnessing an emotion is learning to use it. In our example, the emotion of uncertainty and feeling conflicted can actually be a springboard for a really useful conversation about what is genuinely desired in a work role. It can also be an invitation to ramp up intimacy and connection with a friend—after all, it’s only when we can honestly share our vulnerability with someone that we can develop trust and closeness. In this way, feelings that are acknowledged can be put to good use and help create connection, insight, or understanding. Develop this skill: Once you’ve identified a word or phrase, see if it’s possible to include them in the conversation somehow.

This can be done even in low-key, superficial conversations—for example, “You seem a little unsure about what I’ve just said. What do you think?” or, “I’m not sure what I think about that yet. Can I get back to you?" Emotional Management For some people, the idea of managing emotions sounds wrong—isn’t it a bad idea to try to suppress or deny how you actually feel? But think of emotions like any other biological urge—for example, hunger. You may be in the train station one day and feeling ravenous, and this is a legitimate and natural feeling that you don’t need to deny or avoid. Nevertheless, you can manage that sensation by saying, “Oh well, there isn’t anything to eat around here except overpriced junk food, so I’ll wait an hour until I get home and have a healthy lunch there instead."

It’s not that different with emotions. We can accept and acknowledge how we feel with heaps of compassion and self-respect but at the same time make conscious choices about how we will behave regardless. Managing emotions is something you can do when you are able to maintain awareness of some higher goal. For example, if your higher goal is to ace an important job interview, it becomes necessary to down-manage your feelings of panic and self-doubt and deliberately seek to create feelings of calm. If you were listening to your friend talk about their fancy new job, and your goal was to be an excellent friend to them, you might choose to intentionally respond in ways that encourage empathy, connection, and closeness. Being aware of and being able to harness and manage emotions may seem a little abstract and complicated, but it doesn’t have to be. It all comes down to a shift in mindset: •Shifting from being a slave of your emotions to being a master of them and using them as tools •Shifting from being reactive to being intentional, deliberate, and conscious, i.e., making a choice •Shifting from seeing emotions as secondary or irrelevant to communication, to seeing them as central People like those who are emotionally intelligent.

Those with high EQs have been said to be more effortless communicators and thrive not just in personal relationships but at work, too. In fact, it’s hard to imagine a thing that wouldn’t be improved with better emotional awareness and mastery. Develop this skill: Now that you’re aware of the emotion that you and the other person are feeling, ask how (or whether) you need to manage it. For example, if you can see that the other person is stressed, you might realize that it’s worth saying something to soothe, reassure, or calm them down. Likewise, if you notice that you’re angry, you might decide to ask for a time out so you can cool off and return to the conversation later. Validation As Connection Have you ever vented to someone about something that upset you, only to be told something like, “Come on, you’re overreacting”? How did it make you feel to be told this?

Validation is something we all seek when we communicate, whether we are conscious of the fact or not. Even if we’re unconscious of our need to be validated, however, we know it feels bad to be invalidated! Validation is simply the process of genuinely hearing, seeing, and witnessing another person’s lived reality and allowing it to be what it is. When we validate something, we pay attention to it and affirm that what we observe is reasonable, legitimate, worthwhile, or real in some sense. Because of the powerful emotional component hidden in all human interaction, learning to truly validate someone is a potent tool to use in every conversation. If you consistently ensure that you are validating the people around you, all your conversations will feel deeper, more connected, and more harmonious. Sadly, most of us completely misunderstand what validation really is.

Again, when our own egos and preconceptions get in the way, we can focus on that instead of empathetically understanding what the other person really needs from us. What Validation ISN’T To truly have empathy for someone and their position means to go beyond agreement or disagreement. When we validate someone by saying “that makes sense,” we aren’t saying that they are “right”—only that we can see that from their point of view, their reaction is rational and reasonable FOR THEM. Imagine a conversation where someone is complaining about unfair treatment they have received at work. They are upset and feel attacked. The person hearing these complaints, though, goes immediately on a fact-finding mission in order to understand “what really happened." They may say things like, “Are you sure that’s what they meant?” or, “You’re probably blowing things out of proportion."

It’s all just different ways of saying, “I don’t agree with your assessment." Which is just one way of saying, “You are wrong to feel what you feel." But really, if our goal in conversation is to connect and create intimacy, empathy, and shared understanding, then agreement is irrelevant. We don’t have to have the same experience as the other person or agree with their interpretation to see that it’s nevertheless the interpretation they have. People feel what they feel and experience what they experience. To be a good conversationalist, all you have to do is observe and acknowledge this for what it is. You are never required to weigh in, compare their experience against yours, or determine whether they are “allowed” to feel as they do given your assessment of the facts.

So, validation is not the same as agreement. However, it also doesn’t mean reinforcement, either. Let’s say someone is complaining bitterly about the treatment they receive at work, and the listener immediately grabs hold of those feelings of persecution and amplifies them. For example, they encourage a heavy conversation that goes on for two hours wherein every detail is dwelt on, encouraging the person to think of themselves as a wronged victim, continually drawing attention to the hurt and angry feelings. This may feel good in the short term, but it really only emphasizes negative emotions, and instead of finding useful ways to channel them, it exacerbates them. Effective validation is simply the ability to communicate to someone: you are right to feel the way you feel. I witness you feeling that way and it makes sense.

This is easier said than done since sometimes we can invalidate people precisely because we’re trying so hard to make them feel better! For example: “Cheer up, it could be worse!" “Don’t be silly!" “Don’t you worry, you’ll be fine." “Try to see the positives." “Come on, don’t say that." All of the above are usually said by people who genuinely want to help.

They may see, for example, that you are feeling down or anxious or angry. To validate this emotion would mean to say, “You are right to feel down/anxious/angry. I witness you feeling that way and it makes sense." This can be tricky to do because we look at their situation and disagree. If someone says, “I’m such a failure,” our knee-jerk response might be to quickly blurt, “No, you’re not! Don’t say that!" But if we do, we are actually invalidating them.

You might think, “But how can I validate that they’re a failure?" Well, you don’t. Remember, it is irrelevant what the content is, and your agreement is not the point. What you validate is their current emotional reality. You are essentially saying, “I can see that you feel upset right now, and you have a right to feel what you feel." Whether they are “right” or “wrong” is beside the point—you could, after all, make a compelling argument for why they are not a failure, but it probably wouldn’t change the fact that that is indeed how they feel. Another example is when a small child says they’re afraid of something.

An adult can know for certain that there is nothing to be afraid of. But again, this is not what matters. Instead of saying, “Stop crying now. There’s nothing to be afraid of,” (which only tells the child that there is something wrong or unacceptable about how they feel), say, “I can see you’re afraid. I know it’s not nice to feel afraid. Would you like me to stay here with you?" It is never wrong to have emotions.

They simply are what they are. If we can only refrain from making people feel that their responses are wrong/mistaken/crazy/bad, then we are already halfway to validating them. Simply imagine that everyone you meet is in fact the world’s leading expert on their own emotions. When it comes to lived experience, assume that everything someone tells you is indeed what is true for them—whether you can understand it personally or not. Any time we call someone overly sensitive or illogical, or any time we suggest that there’s a right way to feel—and they’re not doing it, we are invalidating them. If we judge a person for the type, duration, or intensity of their emotion, we are invalidating them. For example: “Wait, you don’t want the job you just applied for?

That’s crazy." (Type) “I can’t believe you’re still mad about that ... ” (Duration) “Don’t you think you’re being a drama queen?" (Intensity) Here, having enough emotional intelligence to identify and name people’s emotions can be a wonderful way to validate them. You’re not judging them or analyzing them but simply giving them a name. “It seems like you’re so scared right now." “I can see that you’re angry." “It’s understandable that you’d be really confused right now."

Merely to notice and observe genuine emotions are often validation enough, especially for people who are struggling to put their experience into words. Many people have been chronically invalidated all through life to the extent that they are not able to label their own feelings very well and will often feel bad without knowing why. If you can validate them and put a word to what they’re feeling, you instantly convey a sense of compassion and empathy that is sorely missing in our world today. As you can imagine, to do this requires that we ourselves are comfortable with our own emotions—after all, how can we accept the feelings of others with compassion if we don’t know how to do it for ourselves? Finally, it’s worth mentioning the phrase “I’d feel the same,” or similar expressions. This can indeed be validating, but be careful. Like the phrase “I know how you feel” can feel hollow, validating someone’s feelings by saying that they’re the same as your own can backfire.