If you perceive that you are the underdog in a relationship and are inspired to bring your relationship into balance, then Dr Demartini offers some valuable insights to balance the powers in your relationship.

This content is for educational and personal development purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any psychological or medical conditions. The information and processes shared are for general educational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional mental-health or medical advice. If you are experiencing acute distress or ongoing clinical concerns, please consult a licensed health-care provider.

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Because if you're in an underdog position

and you're too humble to admit what

you see in others inside you, you're

going to sacrifice for them initially,

and then you're going to build

up unconscious resentments

in order to get your

life back.

Where are you in relationship

to your relationship?

Are you the underdog? Are you the overdog?

Or are you in a state of equanimity and

have a fair exchange with the person

that you care about, and

in relationship with?

Sometimes people get

infatuated with other people,

and for whatever reason, they're

infatuated with their attractiveness,

or infatuated with their intelligence,

or infatuated with their business savvy,

or their wealth, or their social skills,

or how they seem to be a

stable person for marriage,

or maybe they're infatuated with

their inspirational capacities,

how inspired they're about

their life. Whatever it is,

it can be one or more of those seven

areas of life that you could be attracted

to, and everybody, believe it or not,

is looking for the best

package they can get out there.

But if you meet somebody that you think

is a really amazing package and you're

infatuated and you're kind of googoo

eyed and you're kind of dopamine

driven and you're blind to the downsides,

well you're going to play

the underdog position.

And if you're in the underdog position,

you're going to want to

sacrifice yourself for them.

Almost everybody who's been in underdog

position will start doing things they

don't normally do in order to fit into

the other person's life because they fear

the loss of them because they don't want

to lose that which they infatuate with.

Anything you infatuate,

you fear the loss of.

So you'll sacrifice what's important

to you to keep that relationship going.

Those individuals will

eventually, you know,

kind of let you know that

you're minimizing yourself,

and they don't want that.

They want somebody that's an equal.

So what happens is you're sitting

there afraid of telling them anything

negative, because your

fear of losing them.

They're afraid of telling you something

positive for fear of misleading you,

but they intuitively know that this

isn't a long-term relationship,

it's not quite it, but it's

convenient. And so you're the underdog,

they're the overdog. And

whenever the underdog,

you're looking for monogamy and one

person, you think you found that one,

special. The one that's the overdog

is keeping the options open,

because they know they don't really have

a mate and they're somehow not respect.

So they're afraid to

say anything positive.

You're afraid to say anything

negative, if you're the underdog.

So this is sort of an incestral dynamic

because you're like playing this

juvenile dependent, and this independent,

precociously independent person,

one's like the adult,

one's like the child.

My advice if you're going to be in

a relationship is don't go and get,

try to get married to somebody that's,

you know, bigger than you and you think,

oh my God,

I better hurry up and grab them

before they find out I'm a loser here.

Don't play underdog

like that. I assure you,

you're going to eventually

develop resentment. You're

eventually going to say,

I've done all this for you.

You're eventually going to crack

the fantasy of who they are.

Because time will do that.

You're going to bring them

off the pedestal and now

you've been sacrificing and

now you're starting to lay out your

resentments on them. And by the way,

when you're the underdog,

you're going to accumulate resentments

until you speak up and get things back

into balance.

If they come into balance and they

still are there and now they respect you

because you're respecting yourself,

well that's more of a healthy dynamic.

But if you're sitting there playing

underdog and you're wanting to come back

from that, what I advise

is to go and find out,

the reason you're playing an underdog is

because you're too humble to admit what

you see in them is inside you,

and you're thinking they have something

you don't. And the thing is, you do,

as it says in Romans 2-1, whatever we

judge in others, we do the same things.

But we sometimes are too proud or too

humble to admit what we see in them inside

us.

So what you do is you go and identify

what it is that you admire about them and

make a list of those things you

admire about them. Once you do,

you now ask yourself, alright self, go

to a moment where and when I display,

I perceive myself displaying or

demonstrating the same behavior.

And go find out where you

have the equivalent behavior.

It may be slightly in a different

form because of your values,

but find out where you have that,

because if you can see that you have

everything that you see in them,

you level the playing field, you're not

sacrificing altruistically for them,

you're actually standing up for

yourself and having a fair exchange.

When you do, there's banter,

that means you can say positive and

negative things and keep them in check,

which is what makes them

drawn to you and respect you.

If you're afraid to say negative

things because you're the underdog,

they don't respect you because

you're not respecting yourself.

But if you're able to say positive and

negative things and keep them in check,

they are drawn to you,

because they finally have somebody

that's keeping them authentic.

And they want to be

loved for who they are,

and the authentic self is who they are.

But if you've got them up on a pedestal,

they know that's not who they are and

they're looking for somebody that's a

little bit more up to keep them in check,

to get them back to be who they are.

People don't want to be put on pedestals

or pits. They want to be put in hearts.

So if you put them on a pedestal and

you minimize yourself and you're the

underdog, go find out what

you see in them, inside you.

Now I had a very interesting

case many years ago, ,

this is over 30 years ago.

I was out in San Diego and I was

speaking to a Mary Kay cosmetic group.

There were hundreds of women

at this function there.

And afterwards a lot of them

wanted to do a private consult.

So I had a big load of girls over the

next two days that wanted a consult,

an hour consult or two hour consult.

And there's this one young lady that

came to me and she said Dr. Deartini,

I really would love to have your feedback

and advice on this. I said, all right.

She says, I've met this guy and I just

know he's the one, he's just amazing,

and he's just everything I've

ever wanted and everything else,

and I just want to know what you think,

should I marry the guy? And I said,

well, if you're asking the question,

you're obviously not certain.

And there's a part of you

that's hesitating on that.

So here's what my recommendation

is. I want you to go to make,

go sit over there in the other room over

there and write down all the things you

admire about this guy, and make

sure it's an exhaustive list,

everything you admire about him, go

make that list. So she said, okay.

So she went over there

and spent about two hours,

and I did a couple other

consults in the meantime,

and she wrote down two hours worth of

benefits, and there were a lot of them.

I think she had like 78 benefits of

this guy. Things she liked about him.

And she came back and brought

it to me and I said, great.

Instead of doing another

portion of the consult,

I'm going to have you go

do another project now.

Now go write the same number of

things you dislike about him.

She says, well, I don't have that. I said,

then you have a fantasy about who this

guy is and you're going to find out the

hard way once you go

and try to pin him down.

So let's go make a list of all the

things you dislike and when the amount of

list that you dislike is

matching the one you like,

you now have a real understanding

of who this person is.

So go dig and come back when you're done,

and make sure if you got 78 positives,

I need 78 negatives about this guy.

So she went there and she worked on

that for about another two hours.

She comes back and she said, wow, that

was really intriguing. And I said,

it was humbling, wasn't

it? She goes, yeah, it was,

I was blind and I didn't want to look

at those. I said, why? She said, well,

because my parents fought a lot and they

used to yell and bitch at each other

about the things they didn't

like about each other,

and so I was going to make

sure I didn't do that,

and I was only going to see the

positives. And I said, well,

the reason why your parents probably did

that is because they probably started

out the same way as you,

and they eventually found out they

overlooked the obvious. So right now,

can you see you still have the negatives,

and you saw the negatives in him,

you see that they're equal? She goes, I

do. I said, how you feeling about them?

She says, I still love him. I said, great.

That's a healthier state than when you

started here. Now I got another question.

Now this one's probably not going

to take but two hours again,

we're going to be here all

day. And she says, well,

I didn't know I was going

to do that. I said, well,

I'm asking you to do it because you

asked me a very important question,

it's about marriage, you

need to think this through.

So now I want you to do is go and find

out where and when you display and

demonstrate all those 78 traits you like

about him and go write down where you

did it and when you do it until that you

can see that you do the same behaviors

as him, so you're not missing something.

So you're not desperately needing him.

You're wanting to be with him

because you're choosing to,

not because you're feeling I've got

to have him because you're missing

something. Because

desperation pays a price.

And then go and find out where you

have every one of those traits.

So she went again, and now she's pushing

herself and making sure she's doing it.

And I noticed that I'm looking over at

her from a distance and she's got kleenex

there because she's crying on many of

them, because she's realizing, oh my God,

I got these traits. And she's calming

down the infatuation with him.

And of course when she came back she knew

I was going to send her to go do the,

do I need to go do the other side? I

said, quickly go do the other side now,

go find out we have those traits,

the things you like and dislike.

And she came back with those traits and

she found out the drawbacks of those,

the benefits of those traits she disliked,

and I had to ask her the drawbacks

on the traits she admired,

until I level the playing field.

And she finally came back and

it's about six o'clock at night,

she spent the most of the day there.

And luckily she had the time for it.

And she came back and I said, now

when you think about this guy,

what are you thinking about? And

she goes, I still have love for him.

I said, can you see you have everything

you see in him? Yes, in my own way,

I have it my own way. Can you

see you're now not the underdog,

you're not in the underdog position,

you kinda see him as an equal now?

She goes, yeah, I do.

I feel like I can be myself

around him right now,

I can speak up to him and not worried

about what he feels and upsetting him,

and I need that. I said, now

you're, you're now ready for it.

Now I got a question.

Do you even have to ask me whether or

not you think it'll be wise to marry him?

She goes, no, he's the guy. I said,

great, the reason I did this exercise,

I wanted you to discover you had the

power to make that decision yourself.

I didn't want you to use me as that,

and then if it didn't work out,

if I told you, oh great,

you got a guy that's great and then you

end up having to go through the lessons

and it didn't work out, then you'd

blame me for that, and then you think,

well I'm now going to go out and

try to find another infatuation.

I wanted you to love the

person for both sides.

People want to be loved for both sides.

You do too. She goes, I do. I said,

can you see you have both sides, he

has both sides, and you still love him?

And she said, yeah. And I said,

well that's what my intention was.

So right now you don't need to ask my

opinion. You have your own opinion.

Trust your own heart now. And

she had tears in her eyes.

She gave me a big hug

and she said, thank you,

that was not what I expected today,

but that's what I needed today.

I said, great.

Because if you're in an underdog position

and you're too humble to admit what

you see in others inside you, you're

going to sacrifice for them initially.

And then you're going to build

up unconscious resentments

in order to get your

life back. Because When you sacrifice,

you take the things that are important

to you and you push them aside for doing

things that are important to them.

And there's a necessity to be able to

communicate what you want in terms of what

they want, but not sacrifice.

Complete sacrificing and

minimizing yourself as an

underdog is not going to work

long term. And they're going to be

looking for somebody that's a mate,

that's a match.

And they're probably going to end up

having a fling if you don't get that in

order. So I say, go and find out

what you see in them inside you.

Go level the playing field.

Go find the drawbacks of all the

things you're infatuated with.

Find out where they have the other

side, find the benefits of that,

so you can handle both the positives

and negatives of both sides of them.

Because there is no one sided individual.

They very trait you admire

in somebody as downsides.

And the very trait you despise

in somebody has upsides.

If you look very carefully,

theboth of them are going to be guiding

you and helping you as a feedback,

to help you become more authentic in

your own life and more empowered in your

life. And if you sit and

minimize yourself as an underdog,

the way to come back is to realize

that what you see in them, you got,

nothing's missing in you.

At the level of the essence of your

authentic self what the theologians called

the soul, nothing's missing,

it's fulfilled, it's pleromic.

But the level of the existence of your

senses, things appear to be missing.

The things that be appearing to be

missing are the things you're too proud or

too humble to admit that you think

they have, that you don't have.

And as long as you're playing

where I'm superior, inferior,

you're going to have volatilities

in the relationship, not stability.

But if you can see that you have a

reflection of them and whatever they have,

you have in your own way and it's equal,

and you can realize that they're both

worth speaking up, they deserve to speak,

you deserve to speak and you have

sustainable fair exchange, it'll help you.

And also find out what they value most,

because that's what they're committed to.

Their ontological identity revolves

around their highest value,

their epistemological area of expertise

that's interesting to them that they

want to go and talk about

is their highest value.

Their very purpose in life

is their highest value.

If you can't see how their highest value

is helping you fulfill yours and you

can't see how yours is

helping them fulfill theirs,

you're going to have an alternating

monologue. You're going to be talking,

they're not listening, they're

speaking, you're not listening.

But if you can see how what your

values are is helping them with theirs,

and theirs are helping you

with yours, the top three,

then you'll end up having a

dialogue and communication.

And that's one of the keys of a

healthy relationship is dialogue and

communication. Willing to say both

positive and negative things equally,

but not necessarily, you know, derogatory,

in a way that just is constructive.

So having the courage to be yourself and

having integrity in a relationship is

what you want in a relationship.

So by going and owning the traits

and going and linking the values,

you can take your underdog position

and use it to empower your life.

But don't sit there and rush somebody

to get married and put pressure on to be

some fantasy person that you think

they're going to be and then end up

sacrificing yourself for them and then

eventually resenting it and then turning

around and being demanding of

them and go the other extreme,

because now you're going to end up with

the volatilities and by then you might

have had some children and you may have

put some chaos in your life from that.

And if you put yourself and make sure

you have a stable relationship and then

have your children, they

win, you win, the world wins,

and not whirlwinds, but the world wins.

So my advice is to not stop at the

underdog position and want to immediate

gratification and try to manipulate

somebody into getting married before

you're actually in a equal footage with

them. Get the thing back in order.

The way you know you have

it is you've got bantering,

you've got a fair exchange,

you feel like you're not having

to sacrifice to be yourself,

you're able to be yourself around them,

they're able to be around

you and be themselves,

and they can be nice and mean and kind

and cruel and positive and negative and

show out all their sides and you can

still love them. If you can do that,

you're on your way to having a stable

relationship. So those are some tips.

Those all those things are the things

I teach in the Breakthrough Experience.

That's why I tell people to come to

the Breakthrough Experience each week,

because these are the things I teach them.

I teach them how to stabilize

a relationship and how

to empower themselves and

how to empower each area. And by the way,

when somebody wants a

relationship with you,

they're looking for somebody

who's intelligent, that's fit,

that's got some ambitions,

that's got some financial resource that's

not going to drain them and depend on

them, somebody that basically loves

them and really wants to be with them,

not a fantasy person, and then

trying to get you to be that fantasy,

somebody that's socially connected and

savvy and somebody that's inspired by

something. So the more

areas in life you empower,

the more valuable you are

to other people's lives,

and the more they're going to be able to

endure the challenges that it takes to

manage a relationship. And

if you can link the values,

own all the traits you see in them,

realize reflective awareness and

stabilize your dynamic with them,

you can have a stable relationship.

That's why I tell people,

come to the Breakthrough Experience,

because I'm going to give you tools that's

going to help you in not only in your

relationship but in

all areas of your life.