If you perceive that you are the underdog in a relationship and are inspired to bring your relationship into balance, then Dr Demartini offers some valuable insights to balance the powers in your relationship.
This content is for educational and personal development purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any psychological or medical conditions. The information and processes shared are for general educational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional mental-health or medical advice. If you are experiencing acute distress or ongoing clinical concerns, please consult a licensed health-care provider.
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Because if you're in an underdog position
and you're too humble to admit what
Speaker:you see in others inside you, you're
going to sacrifice for them initially,
Speaker:and then you're going to build
up unconscious resentments
in order to get your
Speaker:life back.
Speaker:Where are you in relationship
to your relationship?
Speaker:Are you the underdog? Are you the overdog?
Speaker:Or are you in a state of equanimity and
have a fair exchange with the person
Speaker:that you care about, and
in relationship with?
Speaker:Sometimes people get
infatuated with other people,
Speaker:and for whatever reason, they're
infatuated with their attractiveness,
Speaker:or infatuated with their intelligence,
or infatuated with their business savvy,
Speaker:or their wealth, or their social skills,
Speaker:or how they seem to be a
stable person for marriage,
Speaker:or maybe they're infatuated with
their inspirational capacities,
Speaker:how inspired they're about
their life. Whatever it is,
Speaker:it can be one or more of those seven
areas of life that you could be attracted
Speaker:to, and everybody, believe it or not,
Speaker:is looking for the best
package they can get out there.
Speaker:But if you meet somebody that you think
is a really amazing package and you're
Speaker:infatuated and you're kind of googoo
eyed and you're kind of dopamine
Speaker:driven and you're blind to the downsides,
Speaker:well you're going to play
the underdog position.
Speaker:And if you're in the underdog position,
Speaker:you're going to want to
sacrifice yourself for them.
Speaker:Almost everybody who's been in underdog
position will start doing things they
Speaker:don't normally do in order to fit into
the other person's life because they fear
Speaker:the loss of them because they don't want
to lose that which they infatuate with.
Speaker:Anything you infatuate,
you fear the loss of.
Speaker:So you'll sacrifice what's important
to you to keep that relationship going.
Speaker:Those individuals will
eventually, you know,
Speaker:kind of let you know that
you're minimizing yourself,
and they don't want that.
Speaker:They want somebody that's an equal.
Speaker:So what happens is you're sitting
there afraid of telling them anything
Speaker:negative, because your
fear of losing them.
Speaker:They're afraid of telling you something
positive for fear of misleading you,
Speaker:but they intuitively know that this
isn't a long-term relationship,
Speaker:it's not quite it, but it's
convenient. And so you're the underdog,
Speaker:they're the overdog. And
whenever the underdog,
Speaker:you're looking for monogamy and one
person, you think you found that one,
Speaker:special. The one that's the overdog
is keeping the options open,
Speaker:because they know they don't really have
a mate and they're somehow not respect.
Speaker:So they're afraid to
say anything positive.
Speaker:You're afraid to say anything
negative, if you're the underdog.
Speaker:So this is sort of an incestral dynamic
because you're like playing this
Speaker:juvenile dependent, and this independent,
precociously independent person,
Speaker:one's like the adult,
one's like the child.
Speaker:My advice if you're going to be in
a relationship is don't go and get,
Speaker:try to get married to somebody that's,
you know, bigger than you and you think,
Speaker:oh my God,
Speaker:I better hurry up and grab them
before they find out I'm a loser here.
Speaker:Don't play underdog
like that. I assure you,
Speaker:you're going to eventually
develop resentment. You're
eventually going to say,
Speaker:I've done all this for you.
Speaker:You're eventually going to crack
the fantasy of who they are.
Speaker:Because time will do that.
Speaker:You're going to bring them
off the pedestal and now
you've been sacrificing and
Speaker:now you're starting to lay out your
resentments on them. And by the way,
Speaker:when you're the underdog,
Speaker:you're going to accumulate resentments
until you speak up and get things back
Speaker:into balance.
Speaker:If they come into balance and they
still are there and now they respect you
Speaker:because you're respecting yourself,
well that's more of a healthy dynamic.
Speaker:But if you're sitting there playing
underdog and you're wanting to come back
Speaker:from that, what I advise
is to go and find out,
Speaker:the reason you're playing an underdog is
because you're too humble to admit what
Speaker:you see in them is inside you,
Speaker:and you're thinking they have something
you don't. And the thing is, you do,
Speaker:as it says in Romans 2-1, whatever we
judge in others, we do the same things.
Speaker:But we sometimes are too proud or too
humble to admit what we see in them inside
Speaker:us.
Speaker:So what you do is you go and identify
what it is that you admire about them and
Speaker:make a list of those things you
admire about them. Once you do,
Speaker:you now ask yourself, alright self, go
to a moment where and when I display,
Speaker:I perceive myself displaying or
demonstrating the same behavior.
Speaker:And go find out where you
have the equivalent behavior.
Speaker:It may be slightly in a different
form because of your values,
Speaker:but find out where you have that,
Speaker:because if you can see that you have
everything that you see in them,
Speaker:you level the playing field, you're not
sacrificing altruistically for them,
Speaker:you're actually standing up for
yourself and having a fair exchange.
Speaker:When you do, there's banter,
Speaker:that means you can say positive and
negative things and keep them in check,
Speaker:which is what makes them
drawn to you and respect you.
Speaker:If you're afraid to say negative
things because you're the underdog,
Speaker:they don't respect you because
you're not respecting yourself.
Speaker:But if you're able to say positive and
negative things and keep them in check,
Speaker:they are drawn to you,
Speaker:because they finally have somebody
that's keeping them authentic.
Speaker:And they want to be
loved for who they are,
Speaker:and the authentic self is who they are.
But if you've got them up on a pedestal,
Speaker:they know that's not who they are and
they're looking for somebody that's a
Speaker:little bit more up to keep them in check,
to get them back to be who they are.
Speaker:People don't want to be put on pedestals
or pits. They want to be put in hearts.
Speaker:So if you put them on a pedestal and
you minimize yourself and you're the
Speaker:underdog, go find out what
you see in them, inside you.
Speaker:Now I had a very interesting
case many years ago,
this is over 30 years ago.
Speaker:I was out in San Diego and I was
speaking to a Mary Kay cosmetic group.
Speaker:There were hundreds of women
at this function there.
Speaker:And afterwards a lot of them
wanted to do a private consult.
Speaker:So I had a big load of girls over the
next two days that wanted a consult,
Speaker:an hour consult or two hour consult.
Speaker:And there's this one young lady that
came to me and she said Dr. Deartini,
Speaker:I really would love to have your feedback
and advice on this. I said, all right.
Speaker:She says, I've met this guy and I just
know he's the one, he's just amazing,
Speaker:and he's just everything I've
ever wanted and everything else,
Speaker:and I just want to know what you think,
should I marry the guy? And I said,
Speaker:well, if you're asking the question,
you're obviously not certain.
Speaker:And there's a part of you
that's hesitating on that.
Speaker:So here's what my recommendation
is. I want you to go to make,
Speaker:go sit over there in the other room over
there and write down all the things you
Speaker:admire about this guy, and make
sure it's an exhaustive list,
Speaker:everything you admire about him, go
make that list. So she said, okay.
Speaker:So she went over there
and spent about two hours,
Speaker:and I did a couple other
consults in the meantime,
Speaker:and she wrote down two hours worth of
benefits, and there were a lot of them.
Speaker:I think she had like 78 benefits of
this guy. Things she liked about him.
Speaker:And she came back and brought
it to me and I said, great.
Speaker:Instead of doing another
portion of the consult,
Speaker:I'm going to have you go
do another project now.
Speaker:Now go write the same number of
things you dislike about him.
Speaker:She says, well, I don't have that. I said,
Speaker:then you have a fantasy about who this
guy is and you're going to find out the
Speaker:hard way once you go
and try to pin him down.
Speaker:So let's go make a list of all the
things you dislike and when the amount of
Speaker:list that you dislike is
matching the one you like,
Speaker:you now have a real understanding
of who this person is.
Speaker:So go dig and come back when you're done,
and make sure if you got 78 positives,
Speaker:I need 78 negatives about this guy.
Speaker:So she went there and she worked on
that for about another two hours.
Speaker:She comes back and she said, wow, that
was really intriguing. And I said,
Speaker:it was humbling, wasn't
it? She goes, yeah, it was,
Speaker:I was blind and I didn't want to look
at those. I said, why? She said, well,
Speaker:because my parents fought a lot and they
used to yell and bitch at each other
Speaker:about the things they didn't
like about each other,
Speaker:and so I was going to make
sure I didn't do that,
Speaker:and I was only going to see the
positives. And I said, well,
Speaker:the reason why your parents probably did
that is because they probably started
Speaker:out the same way as you,
Speaker:and they eventually found out they
overlooked the obvious. So right now,
Speaker:can you see you still have the negatives,
and you saw the negatives in him,
Speaker:you see that they're equal? She goes, I
do. I said, how you feeling about them?
Speaker:She says, I still love him. I said, great.
Speaker:That's a healthier state than when you
started here. Now I got another question.
Speaker:Now this one's probably not going
to take but two hours again,
Speaker:we're going to be here all
day. And she says, well,
Speaker:I didn't know I was going
to do that. I said, well,
Speaker:I'm asking you to do it because you
asked me a very important question,
Speaker:it's about marriage, you
need to think this through.
Speaker:So now I want you to do is go and find
out where and when you display and
Speaker:demonstrate all those 78 traits you like
about him and go write down where you
Speaker:did it and when you do it until that you
can see that you do the same behaviors
Speaker:as him, so you're not missing something.
So you're not desperately needing him.
Speaker:You're wanting to be with him
because you're choosing to,
Speaker:not because you're feeling I've got
to have him because you're missing
Speaker:something. Because
desperation pays a price.
Speaker:And then go and find out where you
have every one of those traits.
Speaker:So she went again, and now she's pushing
herself and making sure she's doing it.
Speaker:And I noticed that I'm looking over at
her from a distance and she's got kleenex
Speaker:there because she's crying on many of
them, because she's realizing, oh my God,
Speaker:I got these traits. And she's calming
down the infatuation with him.
Speaker:And of course when she came back she knew
I was going to send her to go do the,
Speaker:do I need to go do the other side? I
said, quickly go do the other side now,
Speaker:go find out we have those traits,
the things you like and dislike.
Speaker:And she came back with those traits and
she found out the drawbacks of those,
Speaker:the benefits of those traits she disliked,
Speaker:and I had to ask her the drawbacks
on the traits she admired,
Speaker:until I level the playing field.
Speaker:And she finally came back and
it's about six o'clock at night,
Speaker:she spent the most of the day there.
And luckily she had the time for it.
Speaker:And she came back and I said, now
when you think about this guy,
Speaker:what are you thinking about? And
she goes, I still have love for him.
Speaker:I said, can you see you have everything
you see in him? Yes, in my own way,
Speaker:I have it my own way. Can you
see you're now not the underdog,
Speaker:you're not in the underdog position,
you kinda see him as an equal now?
Speaker:She goes, yeah, I do.
Speaker:I feel like I can be myself
around him right now,
Speaker:I can speak up to him and not worried
about what he feels and upsetting him,
Speaker:and I need that. I said, now
you're, you're now ready for it.
Speaker:Now I got a question.
Speaker:Do you even have to ask me whether or
not you think it'll be wise to marry him?
Speaker:She goes, no, he's the guy. I said,
great, the reason I did this exercise,
Speaker:I wanted you to discover you had the
power to make that decision yourself.
Speaker:I didn't want you to use me as that,
and then if it didn't work out,
Speaker:if I told you, oh great,
Speaker:you got a guy that's great and then you
end up having to go through the lessons
Speaker:and it didn't work out, then you'd
blame me for that, and then you think,
Speaker:well I'm now going to go out and
try to find another infatuation.
Speaker:I wanted you to love the
person for both sides.
Speaker:People want to be loved for both sides.
You do too. She goes, I do. I said,
Speaker:can you see you have both sides, he
has both sides, and you still love him?
Speaker:And she said, yeah. And I said,
well that's what my intention was.
Speaker:So right now you don't need to ask my
opinion. You have your own opinion.
Speaker:Trust your own heart now. And
she had tears in her eyes.
Speaker:She gave me a big hug
and she said, thank you,
Speaker:that was not what I expected today,
but that's what I needed today.
Speaker:I said, great.
Speaker:Because if you're in an underdog position
and you're too humble to admit what
Speaker:you see in others inside you, you're
going to sacrifice for them initially.
Speaker:And then you're going to build
up unconscious resentments
in order to get your
Speaker:life back. Because When you sacrifice,
Speaker:you take the things that are important
to you and you push them aside for doing
Speaker:things that are important to them.
Speaker:And there's a necessity to be able to
communicate what you want in terms of what
Speaker:they want, but not sacrifice.
Speaker:Complete sacrificing and
minimizing yourself as an
underdog is not going to work
Speaker:long term. And they're going to be
looking for somebody that's a mate,
Speaker:that's a match.
Speaker:And they're probably going to end up
having a fling if you don't get that in
Speaker:order. So I say, go and find out
what you see in them inside you.
Speaker:Go level the playing field.
Speaker:Go find the drawbacks of all the
things you're infatuated with.
Speaker:Find out where they have the other
side, find the benefits of that,
Speaker:so you can handle both the positives
and negatives of both sides of them.
Speaker:Because there is no one sided individual.
Speaker:They very trait you admire
in somebody as downsides.
Speaker:And the very trait you despise
in somebody has upsides.
Speaker:If you look very carefully,
Speaker:theboth of them are going to be guiding
you and helping you as a feedback,
Speaker:to help you become more authentic in
your own life and more empowered in your
Speaker:life. And if you sit and
minimize yourself as an underdog,
Speaker:the way to come back is to realize
that what you see in them, you got,
Speaker:nothing's missing in you.
Speaker:At the level of the essence of your
authentic self what the theologians called
Speaker:the soul, nothing's missing,
it's fulfilled, it's pleromic.
Speaker:But the level of the existence of your
senses, things appear to be missing.
Speaker:The things that be appearing to be
missing are the things you're too proud or
Speaker:too humble to admit that you think
they have, that you don't have.
Speaker:And as long as you're playing
where I'm superior, inferior,
Speaker:you're going to have volatilities
in the relationship, not stability.
Speaker:But if you can see that you have a
reflection of them and whatever they have,
Speaker:you have in your own way and it's equal,
Speaker:and you can realize that they're both
worth speaking up, they deserve to speak,
Speaker:you deserve to speak and you have
sustainable fair exchange, it'll help you.
Speaker:And also find out what they value most,
Speaker:because that's what they're committed to.
Speaker:Their ontological identity revolves
around their highest value,
Speaker:their epistemological area of expertise
that's interesting to them that they
Speaker:want to go and talk about
is their highest value.
Speaker:Their very purpose in life
is their highest value.
Speaker:If you can't see how their highest value
is helping you fulfill yours and you
Speaker:can't see how yours is
helping them fulfill theirs,
Speaker:you're going to have an alternating
monologue. You're going to be talking,
Speaker:they're not listening, they're
speaking, you're not listening.
Speaker:But if you can see how what your
values are is helping them with theirs,
Speaker:and theirs are helping you
with yours, the top three,
Speaker:then you'll end up having a
dialogue and communication.
Speaker:And that's one of the keys of a
healthy relationship is dialogue and
Speaker:communication. Willing to say both
positive and negative things equally,
Speaker:but not necessarily, you know, derogatory,
in a way that just is constructive.
Speaker:So having the courage to be yourself and
having integrity in a relationship is
Speaker:what you want in a relationship.
Speaker:So by going and owning the traits
and going and linking the values,
Speaker:you can take your underdog position
and use it to empower your life.
Speaker:But don't sit there and rush somebody
to get married and put pressure on to be
Speaker:some fantasy person that you think
they're going to be and then end up
Speaker:sacrificing yourself for them and then
eventually resenting it and then turning
Speaker:around and being demanding of
them and go the other extreme,
Speaker:because now you're going to end up with
the volatilities and by then you might
Speaker:have had some children and you may have
put some chaos in your life from that.
Speaker:And if you put yourself and make sure
you have a stable relationship and then
Speaker:have your children, they
win, you win, the world wins,
Speaker:and not whirlwinds, but the world wins.
Speaker:So my advice is to not stop at the
Speaker:underdog position and want to immediate
gratification and try to manipulate
Speaker:somebody into getting married before
you're actually in a equal footage with
Speaker:them. Get the thing back in order.
Speaker:The way you know you have
it is you've got bantering,
Speaker:you've got a fair exchange,
Speaker:you feel like you're not having
to sacrifice to be yourself,
Speaker:you're able to be yourself around them,
Speaker:they're able to be around
you and be themselves,
Speaker:and they can be nice and mean and kind
and cruel and positive and negative and
Speaker:show out all their sides and you can
still love them. If you can do that,
Speaker:you're on your way to having a stable
relationship. So those are some tips.
Speaker:Those all those things are the things
I teach in the Breakthrough Experience.
Speaker:That's why I tell people to come to
the Breakthrough Experience each week,
Speaker:because these are the things I teach them.
Speaker:I teach them how to stabilize
a relationship and how
to empower themselves and
Speaker:how to empower each area. And by the way,
Speaker:when somebody wants a
relationship with you,
Speaker:they're looking for somebody
who's intelligent, that's fit,
Speaker:that's got some ambitions,
Speaker:that's got some financial resource that's
not going to drain them and depend on
Speaker:them, somebody that basically loves
them and really wants to be with them,
Speaker:not a fantasy person, and then
trying to get you to be that fantasy,
Speaker:somebody that's socially connected and
savvy and somebody that's inspired by
Speaker:something. So the more
areas in life you empower,
Speaker:the more valuable you are
to other people's lives,
Speaker:and the more they're going to be able to
endure the challenges that it takes to
Speaker:manage a relationship. And
if you can link the values,
Speaker:own all the traits you see in them,
Speaker:realize reflective awareness and
stabilize your dynamic with them,
Speaker:you can have a stable relationship.
That's why I tell people,
Speaker:come to the Breakthrough Experience,
Speaker:because I'm going to give you tools that's
going to help you in not only in your
Speaker:relationship but in
all areas of your life.