Welcome back to Dont get this Twisted

This conversation explores the issue of lack of intimacy in a relationship and offers insights and solutions. The hosts discuss the importance of physical touch, communication, and prioritizing the relationship. They also address insecurities and self-image, as well as the use of sex as a currency. The conversation emphasizes the need for spontaneity, fun, and adventure in maintaining a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship. Ultimately, the hosts encourage open and honest communication to address the issue and prioritize the relationship. This conversation explores the importance of intimacy in relationships and provides insights on how to maintain a fulfilling and satisfying sex life. The hosts discuss the impact of age on intimacy and the need for open and honest communication in the bedroom. They emphasize the importance of trying new things and finding ways to be intimate outside the bedroom. The conversation also touches on the potential pitfalls of threesomes and the value of couples therapy. Overall, the hosts stress the need for constant effort and communication to keep the spark alive in a relationship.. The hosts discuss the importance of physical touch, communication, and prioritizing the relationship. They also address insecurities and self-image, as well as the use of sex as a currency. The conversation emphasizes the need for spontaneity, fun, and adventure in maintaining a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship. Ultimately, the hosts encourage open and honest communication to address the issue and prioritize the relationship. This conversation explores the importance of intimacy in relationships and provides insights on how to maintain a fulfilling and satisfying sex life. The hosts discuss the impact of age on intimacy and the need for open and honest communication in the bedroom. They emphasize the importance of trying new things and finding ways to be intimate outside the bedroom. The conversation also touches on the potential pitfalls of threesomes and the value of couple's therapy. Overall, the hosts stress the need for constant effort and communication to keep the spark alive in a relationship.

Explicit

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This podcast and website represent the opinions of Robb Courtney and Tina Garcia and their guests to the show and website. The content here should not be interpreted as medical advice or any other type of advice from any other type of licensed professional. The content here is for informational purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your healthcare or other applicable licensed professional with any medical or other related questions. Views and opinions expressed in the podcast and website are our own and do not represent that of our places of work. While we make every effort to ensure that the information, we are sharing is accurate, we welcome any comments, suggestions, or correction of errors. Privacy is of the utmost importance to us. All people, places, and scenarios mentioned in the podcast have been changed to protect confidentiality. This website or podcast should not be used in any legal capacity whatsoever, including but not limited to establishing “standard of care” in a legal sense or as a basis for expert witness testimony related to the medical profession or any other licensed profession. No guarantee is given regarding the accuracy of any statements or opinions made on the podcast or website. In no way does listening, reading, emailing, or interacting on social media with our content establish a doctor-patient relationship or relationship with any other type of licensed professional. Robb Courtney and Tina Garcia do not receive any money from any pharmaceutical industry for topics covered pertaining to medicine or medical in nature. If you find any errors in any of the content of this podcast, website, or blogs, please send a message through the “contact” page or email DGTTwisted@gmail.com. This podcast is owned by "Don’t Get This Twisted,” Robb Courtney.

And welcome to another show of Don't Get This Twisted. I am Rob along with my co -host as always, Tina. How you doing, Tina?

I'm doing alright Rob, life is not that bad. It's going okay. Can't complain today.

Can't complain, can't complain today. Yeah, there's, you know, there's always tomorrow.

Yeah, not that I'm a big complainer, because it just, you know, it's all your own choices. So if you complain, you're just complaining about the stupid shit you thought to do. So why bother?

Yeah, you know, it can be counterproductive, that's for sure. You don't want to wallow in your own feces.

That's for sure.

Nah, but right now life isn't bad. Yeah.

Good, good. That's good to hear. We got together and had breakfast the other day, which was really good. What we kind of had to talk about was a friend of mine came to me and said, hey, talk about this. And it was a male friend of mine who was having issues with his wife not wanting to have sex.

Yes.

as often.

Mmm.

And he also threw a friend of his also into the mix. So they were both having the same kind of issue where they're trying and being told no, or I don't feel well, or there's always, there's some excuse coming up. And he goes, you should talk about this. And I said, okay. I said, what's the, what's the angle, right?

And he goes, how to fix it. And I went, well, that's a rough one. But me and Tina will always throw bubblegum against the wall to see if we can come up with some kind of answers. So I've had some time to think about it. And he also kind of threw something in about sort of using sex as a currency, right? Like if you do this, I'll do this or something to that nature or like, what have you done for me lately? Why should I?

Mmm.

you know, why should we do this? And look, there's some issues in their life with small children being around. His kids have kids and they're visiting or they went and visited some one of their other children who has a brand new baby.

But he still tried and he was like, hey, you know, he was frisky and he was, you know, wanting a little bit of loving, which, you know, look, who doesn't? So he was saying, hey, what do you think? And I said, look, I'm gonna throw it against the wall with me and Tina and we'll kind of discuss what we think. Since we were both in long marriages, we can kind of talk.

Mm -hmm.

if and when that happened, what to do. I do have a friend close to me who has a perfect answer that's very much like yours that is like, look, let's, you know, this is what you should do. So let's lay the ground. I think that obviously, this is a longer marriage. They've been together like 25 years.

It's from what I understand has been sort of a roller coaster. It happens and it doesn't and then it happens and it doesn't. So throwing a lot of things aside like not feeling good about yourself because I think that if that's part of the problem then it needs to be discussed and talked about.

I don't, I've always been a bigger girl. No, no shocker there. And sex always has some sort of insecurities because of my size and because of not being perfect and such, but that's not an excuse. Your husband or your partner that you've been with forever, they're not looking at what is wrong with you. So I think that that's kind of,

stupid it's an excuse yeah I think it's stupid because if they didn't want to be with you they wouldn't so your insecurities are just invalid not and and that sounds really insensitive being that I'm a woman but truly like really that's what you're you don't feel good about yourself oh how sad go have sex have him talk dirty to you for a while and maybe you'll feel better

We'll cop out.

Right.

Um, yeah, I mean, look, even men have insecurities, but we also have, um, you, you,

They don't put them on their forehead like women do though.

I agree with that. I think it's something again, we suffer in silence or we just kind of go with it. But I think that that look, you still have desires and and if you're with somebody who you truly love, and and you desire them still. So this is why because look, if we're being perfectly honest, and it's just about getting off, there's ways to fix that.

Mm -hmm.

I mean, you can go knock one out, mostly a dude. Go take a shower. It's pretty quick. If you really want to, you know what I mean? If you really want to just, I mean, if you really want to get to the, you know, the finish line, you can get there, you know, in a decent amount of time. So it's, it's not just about that. As much as.

How quick is it, Rob?

No, it's about having interaction and being close and being loved and having affection thrown at you and desire and lust and everything else that goes with having sex.

Exactly. I think it's, it's still about physical touch and looking at somebody and realizing that there as much as there is lust, there is love. There's, you know, it's a very, sometime.

Mm -hmm.

It's also healthy. It's also healthy to be close to your mate. It's healthy to touch them. I was just saying to my friend today. It's like it's healthy to be hugged. You should you should kind of let your guard down and just feel safe feel protected feel secure feel supported like Since when is a hug something that you should not like or not? Okay, I get not being comfortable with it because our my family's a bunch of freaking huggers and kissers. I

Mm -hmm.

The mouth and and they all tell each other they love each other And that's even my brother and I we we kiss each other on the mouth. We hug each other We tell each other we love them because we've been through so much loss that we've decided that you know We need to let each other know because we don't know when the end is gonna be and if it's your partner Wouldn't you want to leave them with the most love with the most support with the most? Man, I do anything for you, and I want you completely if

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

If I had a lover that was solid in my life, I would make sure all the time, but I always did. You know, my friends know I love them. My people, I outwardly tell them. I show them. I show up for them. So that should all be a part of it.

Right.

Yeah, I think physical intimacy on every level, whether it's holding hands, a kiss, a hug, to, you know, spooning at night, whatever it is, that these are things that are growing a very strong bond, right? And yes, look, sex is part of that bond. And look, I want to, I'll throw out the 1%, 2 % of,

Mm -hmm.

I really don't feel good. And I mean, for real. Like the, I'm just not feeling good today. And you said something Saturday during our conversation that was absolutely perfect that I think every single person should do. During that time, what did you say? And I thought it was brilliant.

I've learned that men really feel rejected when they don't get to be closed or when they come forward and they say, hey, I want to spend some time with you. And then, oh, you know, the counterpart would say, well, not tonight. I have a headache or I'm bloated or I'm constipated, whatever the hell. I've heard all these excuses. But,

I found that it really does make a man feel rejected and it makes them feel like they're unlovable. So I learned that what you need to say is my stomach's kind of sick this morning, but first thing tomorrow morning, can you wake up and we'll go at it. Like just let me kind of settle my stomach. We ate too much. But first thing in the morning, let's do that. However,

Mm -hmm.

your stomach and your mouth are totally different. Go blow him. Go do whatever the hell he needs so that he doesn't feel insecure because he doesn't feel rejected. I think that's important. And I'm tired of hearing women say, I don't want that in my mouth. If you don't want your man's dick in your mouth, you're rejecting him already and you got issues. You need to go and seek some therapy.

Right.

Yeah, and I think that the flip side is the same. Oral sex is an important part of a sexual experience. And again, just from my standpoint, for a woman, that is a bigger thing because you are aroused on the outside. So there is something to that.

Absolutely.

Mm -hmm.

But I think it's both ways. If you're not willing to do that, you're probably in the wrong relationship.

Yeah, there you know, we talked about it before the 10 -year rule I think that at 10 years everybody should be able to just get divorced. It should not just be Something that they could do it should be a requirement like at 10 years You're free to go you guys have been together 10 years if you love each other Give it a year get back together You could go another 10 but give yourself some time because everybody changes so drastically I'm not the same person that you met at 16 now that I'm at 53. I

Hurry up.

Right.

Yeah, of course not. Mm -hmm. All right.

not even close to being the same person. I have characteristics of the same being, but I'm not even close to being the same person. So it's, we're living in a world that's full of shit that says that we could live with one person for our whole lives and not struggle to love the person that they are at every stage of the game. It's just not that way. But you have to find a way to be intimate with your mate.

Mm.

Mm -hmm.

And if you don't want to be intimate with your mate, you're tired of the weenie or you're tired of the bullshit that comes with the weenie or the vagina. Like the kids are a problem. The bills are a problem. Everything is a problem. And now I'm taking it out on you. That's a problem because that person who's in the sinking ship with you and the kids and the bills and the whatever, that's where you should be building your strength is in each other.

Right.

because that's really what you ultimately are gonna have at the end.

Yeah, I agree with you. I think there's a lot to be said about how people talk about sex, right? Even as you grow older, things change in you mentally and being able to talk to your mate about said things should be easier, not more difficult.

Especially in the world we live in. Like when you and I were younger, girls were taught, don't act like you like it or you're a whore. You know, you want to keep that virginal appearance, but what you do behind closed doors, as long as nobody else knows about it, you're all right. But play hard to get because you shouldn't want to like it. That is truly how women were kind of brought up at my age of the game. It was like, it's special and you should protect your body and you should, you know,

Right.

wait for that magical person, but nowhere in there said when you meet that magical person and you make babies and you and you do everything you want to, you know, do to be an adult with them, that you're still supposed to fuck their brains out. And you're and you're supposed to like it. Like we didn't get those messages at our age, like that you're supposed to like sex that you're supposed to be like as wild as your partner wants you to be. You should definitely. But we weren't raised to know that back then. But

They're raised to know that now. The generations that are younger than us, they've all been taught that, so there really shouldn't be any excuse for this.

Yeah, and I think even in our generation as we've grown up, things have changed and we know they've changed. So if you're in your 50s or if you're in your 20s, you should still have the same communication background to talk about what you enjoy. And I think that that's will weed things out anyway, right? If you're into something that your mate isn't, it's not gonna last long. It's just not.

Mm -hmm.

Yeah.

true.

Um, because at some point it's going to be either it's this or nothing. And, and hopefully well before that, you communicate yourself and go, Hey, you know, are you willing, are you willing, whatever? I think in this case though, this is like, he just wants to be intimate with his wife and it's, it's becoming, I'll tell you how bad it is.

at least from my standpoint and what he said, they went on a vacation to see somebody. He had to fly home to go back to work. She flew to another state to be with the child. Then, you know, when they, when they, when her and the child came back to home to California, when things he tried again, and she still was like, no, no, no, no, no. So we're talking it's been a while.

that we're getting to a point where I think, you know, look, you're pushing people away. And not to sound horrible to guys, but it's probably not going to last very long. You know what I mean? Like after a couple of months, boy, it's like, you know, it pops like a fire hose. So there's...

But what is she also saying to him? You're not worth my attention. You're not worth my affection. You're not gonna get love out of me because if she's not doing those things to be intimate, you better believe she's not telling him what he needs to hear. She's not getting in the shower with him. She's probably not making him breakfast. Not that I say women need to do that, but whatever it is that was special to them, I'm sure she's dropped the ball on a lot of levels.

You know what, that's a good point. There's probably other things missing. You know, I didn't look at it that way. So I probably should have went down that road. I wonder, you know, what else is missing because you're probably right. They go hand in hand and it could be, you know, he's not doing anything either. You know, I don't wanna just throw it on either person.

Mm -hmm, for sure.

Well, how many times does he need to be rejected though before he's going to be like, nah, I don't want to do that.

Yeah, or when you stop trying. And I think that's where you get to the point of, okay, when are you so hammered to where you don't even want to try? And I think that that's, because then you're to the point of no return, right? And then.

You know, either person starts going, oh, now it's just work. And it's this and it's like, okay. And, and no one wants that either. I don't want to pity fuck. Don't do that. I'd rather, I'd rather again, I'd rather be alone. I'd rather go into bathroom, knock it out and come to sleep. Cause then at least I can sleep with myself. You know what I mean? So these are the things of, of I, I wish I had answers and I've tried to think of some.

I get it.

You know, I mean, you said it best, you know, you do it. You.

Yeah, I'll say it a hundred times. If you've got a mate, fuck them. Fuck them. Don't fuck them over. Fuck them. Like you should be having sex regularly. It's the kids go to sleep at a certain hour or they don't get up until a certain hour. Find a freaking way. Turn the TV off. Get rid of social media if you have to. Like none of it is going to make you any better of a person. You know, it just stagnates your relationship because...

Right.

Now you've got something that you could sit in between you and him being intimate. There's something about that that is just so wrong. Turn it off, put it away. You know, it shouldn't be such a big deal. Even as a friend, I had gone over to my friend's house yesterday and we were sitting there talking and shooting the shit and his phone rang and it was a damsel in distress that needed, you know,

that needed his help and stuff and and I was thinking, you know, I'm sitting here and she's interrupting my time with my friend and she's you know, it's like come save me come do this come do that and I'm like, but what is she doing for you that she thinks that that's okay to do, you know, it's it's funny, but it's not you shouldn't let you shouldn't let outside activities get in between.

you and what is important to you and your mate and and even though they're stressed out even though they've got problems like are those your problems and how far do you need to take them because ultimately the person that you're having a relationship with or you're you're close to or you're in that situation that's where you need to be putting your effort not saying you don't stand out and go help somebody and i'm not saying don't don't help your kids if they need something right away like there's priorities.

but that should be the exception, not the rule.

Yeah, and I think that you're correct in the thing of priorities, you know, sexual adventures with your mate should be a priority.

Mm -hmm.

Yeah, but a lot of times when people are married there's so much going on that they need to schedule it and the scheduling it and the planning takes away the the This botany and that's really important too but if you're in a relationship if you if you really look to find somebody that you could grow with and be close to and you take time and you don't just like sleep with them from the word go, but you really give it a

spontaneity.

the time and the space to nurture a relationship, you should really want to be... you know... I told my friend the other day, don't you just want to sit on his face? Like fucking do it. Like he goes to sleep at eight o 'clock. She doesn't come home until ten. I said, you told me a hundred times he sleeps on his back. Go sit on his face. He'll wake up. He'll wake up. He'll do it.

Yeah. Oh yeah. And he's already had a two hour nap. He's...

Right? And be spontaneous and if he's rejecting you then there's a problem. But if he's not rejecting you or you're like, better get used to this because shit's gonna happen more and more, make it a game. Make it fun. Like, enjoy it. It shouldn't be planned. It shouldn't be, you know, like, oh I'm gonna do this only because you did that. Like if your mate says, I'm gonna be cooking dinner when you get home. Pull my pants down, bend me over the counter and fuck me.

Yeah.

Mm -hmm.

That should be a priority. That should be a priority.

Yeah, and it should be, that should be the adventure. That's how you make fun time fun, right? Or if you're at a party with your friends and it's like, hey, let's go to the bathroom, whatever, things like that. I agree with you, spontaneity is the only thing that's going to keep things going.

Yes. Yes.

Mm -hmm.

Yeah.

And it doesn't need to be like if you go, if you're going to where there's a dressing room and you both go in, you know, mess around a little. I'm not saying you need to completely have sex, but, but turn your mate on. Do you know, act silly, take off some clothes, like shake it in front of them, do whatever you got to do to build the closeness. Yeah, exactly. And warm your own up. Like you're, you're, if you're in a...

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Yeah, warm the engine up. You warm the engine up.

a dressing room and you're doing stuff like that, that's kind of taboo. That stuff you really shouldn't be doing or you could get caught and whatever. So like that should make it fun. That should make you want to do it the more.

Exactly.

Yeah. Well, and, and we, you know, uh, my other friend that I was telling you about, she said something to me that, that I've rarely heard heard from a woman. She said when she was married, she never said no.

Yeah, that's like the -

I was like, wow. But she kind of really explained it like down to the, the, you know, smallest thing. And she was right. She goes, I gave him no other reason to ever leave. Never go outside this marriage because it was always there.

And you should want to have sex with your partner like...

Yeah, no, but I mean, look, and like I said, even in the things of let's say, whatever the percentages of I really, I'm not feeling well. She still was like, no, I want to make sure that he's satisfied because he's doing other things in life that are, you know, he, he deserves that loving because of the other things in life. So, and at the end of the day, you,

Oh, absolutely.

should both enjoy it. Right?

Yes, without a doubt. I have, I have a friend who's, oh, I could talk about my ex. He worked all the time. He worked all the time to where there wasn't any energy to do anything else. And there was, you know, it always seemed like, like, okay, or, or here, we'll do it after dinner, after this, after that, after this. And I was like, wait, I really need to be more of a priority. I don't want to wait till after.

Mm -hmm.

Like, let's have a quickie. Well, then you won't be happy with a quickie. If I'm asking for a quickie, I think I'll be OK. I'm not saying do it every day. Don't fuck with me like that. But. But please, you know, another thing that I decided that I'm not going to be with anyone that won't do this one thing, and I don't know why this is so important to me, but I'm waiting for that. And that is I want to wake up and smell food being cooked in the morning like.

Right.

Right, but if I'm asking for it... Yeah.

Not all the time, but once in a blue moon would be nice. Have somebody making dinner for me and look up and see them in just an apron. I don't even care if they got shoes on, but the apron needs to be the clothing. Like, come on, entertain me. Like, make me laugh. Make me, like, see you as you being silly with me and be open to that because I realize that that's a really insecure.

Right, right. Right.

Mm -hmm.

Position to be in for somebody to have no clothes on while they're cooking and somebody just walking in on them. I get it I don't know that I could do it myself Unless it was something that was really important to my mate, but because it's so important to me if It doesn't happen. I won't stay with that person like there needs to be that level of fun and connection and Desire like just the fact that somebody would put in the effort to like

Yeah, I -

you're making me breakfast and you're doing it naked in an airplane in an apron, you're going to get it now. Like, let me show you what you get for doing this.

apron.

Yeah.

I think that, like you said, there has to be fun, excitement, adventure. There has to be several things at different times. These are the things that build healthy relationships.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Um, just like communication, right? Uh, no different than, Hey, I'm having a problem. Can you help me is the same as, Hey, I want this in bed. That those conversations should, could, should really be in parallel with each other because that's the one way you're going to find that you're with somebody who is your friend, your lover, your psychiatrist, everything. And.

I think where he's at now is he's so beat up that he's to the point where he doesn't know what to do. And it...

broken down.

Well, I could tell you what guys do if you don't get laid find somebody that will fuck you like It gets to that like here's the deal if she's not putting out if her family her mom her whomever is Is up in their business all the time? It's it's a recipe for disaster Nothing is going to live through that because if you don't water to the plant if you don't sit it out in the Sun Nothing is gonna grow

Yeah.

Nothing is just going to wilt away and die. Same thing with your love life. If you don't put time and priority and space and attention into it, it's going to die. And why should a person live not being hugged, not being kissed, not being loved, not being desired, not being cherished, not being thought of? Like who wants to live like that? You know, there's a side of me that says, well, if you're going to stay with her, go have an affair. Affairs don't work very well.

Yeah.

Yeah, none of us.

I've done it. It's not something that's going to get you very far, but it'll get you through it too.

Yeah.

It's a short term answer for a very long question. And generally, you're right. It works for a little bit and then other shit comes from it. Or you end up then just having multiple affairs and you just keep jumping. And then when someone gets caught, it turns to utter shit. You know.

Mm -hmm. Oh, yeah.

I think the point of this is trying to obviously get to the place, avoid it. Yeah. Avoidance at all costs really. Um, it, and again, it's like, I was talking about like trying to use sex as a currency and I've kind of heard that, um, from one person and then also just in podcasts where that's like the thing it's like, Oh, well you didn't do this. So I'm not going to give it up.

avoid that.

But if it's already to that, I think it's already broken. You know, what needs to happen, what your friend needs to do is sit down with her and say, look, this isn't working for me. And how do we fix it or are you done? And then go with that and explore whatever it is you need to explore to get through that and past it because truly, that's where you're at right now. You know, it's like, it's a shitter.

Right.

get off the pot sort of situation. If it's because you live with your with your mother -in -law, don't live with her. Let somebody else take care of her or better yet let her take care of herself because we're all adults now. You know if she's gonna intrude on your person which when you get married or when you're in a relationship you're saying this person is my priority. This person is my safe place.

Right.

Right.

This person is the one that I'm gonna put first. Now, I get it, there's kids, there's other things going on, but ultimately that person should be the person that you put in that place at least nine times out of 10. Now they should be willing to say, hey, you know, we got kid problems, so let's just deal with that now and we'll get back to us or hey, your mom's really sick, we'll get back to us as soon as she's feeling better. But that shouldn't even go very long, because illnesses could last for years.

And you don't just like use that as the excuse. That'll be like maybe you'll get a week out of it, but then you need to show up to your own relationship.

Right.

Yeah, because that that's the glue you you have to have that part. And and look, I as much as I want to say like sex isn't everything because it's not and I don't want to use that. But when it's you. But when it's being used, sort of like a weapon, or or I'm not sure or I can't it's like, look, at some point, you have to decide where you're at.

Yes. Yes.

but it's a lot.

Right? Like, what are we doing here? If we can't be intimate and they're not, they're not older. We're talking about people who are in their forties.

Yeah, that's when they should be going at it.

Yeah, and in theory, and again, I say that with the utmost of respect for what I've heard or read, you know, this is a better time for women. Right? Your 40s are a good time, you know, where you're I don't want to say that that's your peak, but that that is that.

loosely.

where your libido is ready to go.

Yeah, where of course men's aren't right where we're on the downfall So, you know if someone is like you would think Hey He's like really interested and it's so Somewhere something isn't happening and you're right that they do this relationship has some issues They unfortunately live with mother -in -law. They only have a room. There's a tv in the room, which again I read um years ago is a

right.

Relationship killer, you should not have a television in your bedroom. It's the ultimate and it's just an excuse to push a button and one goes to sleep and one watches TV. And I'll tell you, because it happened in my marriage. We had a TV in the room. Should have never had it.

We didn't have a TV in our room for like the first 15 years. Then we put one in because when you get sick and you got to stay in bed, like, come on, let me watch some TV. But the TV went on so rarely because we had 15 years of not having it that it didn't make a difference to us. But also when he went to bed, he was like, turn that shit off because this is my bedroom and I need to sleep and it's got to go off. So it really deterred watching TV in the room at all.

Mm -hmm.

Right.

Which is good. I'm telling you.

Um, it was good. And, and I did it kicking and screaming cause I always grew up having a TV in my room and, and I was like, I can't do that. So I wouldn't go to bed sometimes cause I'd stay up watching TV so late and then fall asleep out there, which that wasn't allowed that way. You know, get up and go to sleep. You don't need to be doing that. And you know what? I'm kind of grateful that he put his, you know, he put the line down. Yeah.

Mm -hmm.

Right.

Foot down, yeah. That's a healthy thing. And look, I understand we live in a modern world where there's televisions in people's rooms. But if it's your only room and that's really your living room and your bedroom, there's a bigger problem that I think also has to be put on the table. But let's say that that's not your problem and you're in a home, then you have rooms and, you know.

It is.

Mm -hmm.

Be adult enough to say, look, we do this too much in the bedroom. We watch too much television. This is stopping intimate time. And really kind of come to an agreement. Pardon the pun, but you should find a way to communicate with each other that, and this is both sides. Look, if you're a woman and you're not getting loving, there's a reason.

let's find out what it is. And it could be as easy as, you know, I'm really missing what you used to do five years ago because you really don't do that anymore. And it's as easy as that. And it might be like, oh, well, you know, we really didn't talk about it. I didn't know you really enjoyed that anymore. It's like, you have to be open to communication in the bedroom. It's the same as everywhere.

Mm -hmm.

You also have to be open to doing whatever requests your mate has. Like the being bent over the counter, I asked for that for four years and never got it. That became a source of contention for me. I don't know why it needed to be the counter. I don't know, you know, God only knows where I come up with this shit, but that was so important to me. Like I felt rejected when it didn't happen. Like he didn't.

Right.

He didn't care to do what I was really needing them to do. And then when, you know, when we finally talk about it because we're getting divorced, he was like, Oh, I didn't think that was important to you. Or I thought you would have told me no. And I'm like, I asked you for four years. Don't be stupid. You know what I mean? At that point, please don't be stupid.

Right.

All right. Well, like I said, I think we've come to the point where, look, nothing is stupid in a relationship. If either of you are going, well, that's just dumb. That's a problem. Here's the other thing that I think is a huge problem. Don't believe what your friends say.

Mm -mm.

That's a problem. Yeah.

Because too many of us lean on our friends for answers instead of going to the source material, the person who you're sleeping with. Like, you know, there's too many Monday morning quarterbacks that are like, she doesn't like this or he doesn't do this or stop that. Really go to the source and go, hey, our sex life was really good five years ago. Why? And.

I agree.

Yeah, and what's changed.

And what's changed? And you're right, it could be, oh, you know, the kids are making me tired. Awesome, what can I do to relieve some of that so we can have this personal time back? Everything has a way to find a place to make everyone happy. Look, some of us go to bed early, right? If you're both, let's say you both get up at four o 'clock in the morning and you generally go to bed at 9 .30, you find a damn way to get in there at 8 .30.

Mm -hmm.

whatever you have to do. You're right, if she takes a nightly shower, hop in, start it there, whatever it is and vice versa. I'm gonna go out on a limb and be the male in the room and say, most guys, and I'm talking a very high percentage, if you jump in the shower with them in the nightly shower and start giving them a rug and tub, a little rub and tug, things are happening.

Peace.

There's, you probably won't have to do it. And I think that, and I think that if you do it with a woman, the opposite way, you have to make, and again, I'm generalizing bell curve for the listeners out there. You have to make it sensual as well. If you know your lady likes to have her neck kissed and caressed or whatever gets you to the finish,

They better happen.

You have to do. It can't always be a bang up job. That's not what every woman wants. Some love it, some don't, some want it sometimes, some don't, whatever it is. And I am a believer just by listening to a lot of you women, you do have to mix it up. It can't be the same experience every single time.

No. That's why I said the countertop works really good. Put on that apron. Do something that's going to shock your maid a little bit. Something that's going to be like, hell yeah, let's try this.

Yeah. Or.

Yeah, or touch her a different way or ask her to do something different or whatever it is. I'm a true believer that you that first of all, listen to her body or vice versa and ask questions, ask what she wants or tell her certain things if that's your thing.

Mm -hmm.

Or just do things. Like, you know, my friends are like, like what? I'm like, well, if you're driving, why doesn't he stick his finger in you? Why are you not wearing a dress every so often to make it accessible to him? Don't wear underwear, you don't need him. There's only a certain time of the month where you really need him anyway. Like, you could set him up for success or you could set him up for failure.

Mm -hmm.

Yeah.

Right.

Ehh...

All right, exactly.

If you want to wear a pair of jeans and you want to wear a fucking girdle, then you got a shirt tucked in, you know, then you got a bra with like 25 snaps on it. It's like a chesty belt. That shit isn't going to happen. So you want to make it easy for him to be able to do it, because first of all, he doesn't know how to deal with any of the shit you're wearing. You don't worry. So don't expect him to do that. Like, make it easy. You know, don't don't wear underwear. Um.

Right. Right, right, right.

That's true.

Or like play with them. Show them that you're not wearing underwear. Get them going. Like go take a ride with them and say, hey, do you want a blowjob while you're driving? Like it doesn't have to end in, I almost made you spit out your soda.

Right, right.

No, you're right though. I think what you're saying is all correct. Sometimes you have to let the game roll out and if you don't like it afterwards, then you talk about it. I mean, and I'm talking about on a, yeah, I mean, look, if she puts a finger in your ass, don't freak out. You know what I mean? Like there's something to that thing where.

But yeah, you should always be playing that game.

Look, you have to experiment with each other. And I'm mostly in a very long relationship. Like things have to get spicy every blue moon. And...

And that doesn't mean look for somebody outside sources. I know that everybody's into the threesome thing. And in all honesty, I think that that's the beginning of the end of a relationship anyway, because the intimacy is not between the couple of people. Do I think that sometimes it's good for people if they want to do it fine, if they're both okay with it, fine, but just know that that also creates a layer of

No!

Jesus.

Yeah.

of difficulty to get through because now it's not all about you and him, it's about you and her and him or you and him and him or however the hell you want to do it. It has to be, regardless of what you're doing elsewhere, you need to have that intimacy, that really good closeness that this is my freaking person and I'm gonna talk shit and I'm gonna love on them.

Yeah. Right. Whatever it is. Yeah.

and I'm going to make his life a little hard because I'm not the easiest person to get along with. And I'm going to be honest and we're going to fumble through a lot of things. But this is still the person that I want to spend every day with. And you got to keep that in your head because some days you don't want to be around them. But you have to remember this is my person. This was the person that was made for me. This is one that shows up. And if they're not showing up, that's part of a bigger problem. They should show up.

Right.

Mm -hmm. Yeah, I think when you start going outside the relationship to try to fix a relationship, it's never gonna work.

I would draw and I don't share well. I'm really bad at sharing so You know, I barely want to you know, give up a slice of pizza to somebody I'm not gonna give up my woman. So that's definitely not gonna happen And I think you can find things way more fun You know much closer to home. Like I'd rather have sex on my patio at night you know with with

Yeah.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

at least maybe someone saying than being a threesome. Cause at the end of the night, I don't have to worry about anything else. The only I have to worry about is, yeah, one's hard enough. Who wants to, like we've talked about it before in here, who wants two girlfriends? Are you out of your fucking mind? One is difficult. Yeah, I don't get it. I don't understand dudes who have a side girl.

and you only have to please one woman.

That's what I hear. Right?

That's where a lot of people go to be honest though.

Why? It's hard. Relationships are hard. Work on the one that you're in.

Right, especially when you're having to work one against another, that is never easy.

Yeah, I just think that you're asking for problems in the bedroom when you start to look outside the current relationship you're in, whatever that is. There's so many steps I think we can take to fix that. I asked somebody today, I said, look, if, and I asked you the other day too, and.

kind of got the same sort of the same answer where it was like, would you start, would you want to do some kind of couples thing, you know, once you decided to have a relationship with somebody and I asked somebody today and she was like, well, I probably would, but you know, I would definitely like to, you know, see what happens with each other, but at the first sign of something maybe, you know, talk with somebody.

And I said, well, you know, I think you have to be careful with that. You don't want to go too far. Therapy, yeah, couples therapy, but you know, maybe just to see where you're at with people or being able to talk in an environment where nobody should get hurt over it. Because some people don't communicate well or don't want to talk about, you know,

You're talking about going to therapy?

or don't even know how to bring it up or, or they don't know how to hear it. Like people really do take anything you, you could say as scrutiny. That's not, um, that's against them. And I always say, here, what I'm saying, and I'm not laying any judgment, but maybe if we talk about this, we could fix this, you know, don't, but do me a favor. I'm not telling you you're wrong. I'm not telling you, I don't love you.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Yeah.

I'm telling you I need to get my point across and it would be really cool if you could just hear me. And I find that just talking like that to people, people are so much more open and they tell you way more because their guard is down. They're not worrying about it. But getting back to your friend, he's in between a rock and a hard place. I don't agree that people should be together forever.

Right.

Mm -hmm.

especially when this kind of stuff is going on because it sounds like on top of the sex not being where it needs to be there's a lot of things that aren't where it needs to be and and he is he's looking at a long life that he has led with her and how how can he fix something that's that i could imagine it's been broke for years he's just tired of dealing with it

Mm -hmm. Correct.

Uh, yeah. I mean, I didn't try to get in too deep with that, but I would probably think if anything, it's a roller coaster. Right. Um, and, and relationships are, and, and I'm not saying just jump out of one because of that. I think you're right. There's extra things going on in his life that are not making a, uh, adventurous sex life available. Right. You know, if you're, if you're in a room and that's all you're ever in, there's a problem.

Mm -hmm.

So yes, there's other things to be fixed in that particular one. But I think the ground rules apply for everyone, right? If you're in a relationship that's sexless or there's no intimacy, you must work together to find that intimacy, whatever it is. And don't...

And I think you'll find out really quickly just how damaged your relationship is by by doing that. So be prepared. Yeah.

Agree. Yeah. Oh, no, I agree. And because I think other things may be thrown your way that you didn't you weren't ready for. That's why I think that it's so important. Mostly in a newer relationship, communication is super duper key, and you are going to hear things that you don't want to hear sometimes, and you are going to get hurt. But if it's the person that you love, you're not you should never go in for the kill ever.

You should find a way to make sure that you're, you're, you know, padding the fall. Like things need to be talked about, but you don't need to hammer it into their face with a jackhammer. It needs to be like, Hey, this is what I'm looking for. How can we get there? And it's attainable. It can be difficult. Um, like I said, I, you know, I'm lucky. I haven't really been in a relationship like in quite a while.

Absolutely.

And I mean a serious one like not just dating for a little while like my marriage was 13 years ago Or 14 years, whatever the fuck it is now But I thought I think I've learned a lot so if and when I decide to get into a relationship my How I communicate is going to be utterly different than how it was with my ex -wife

because now I'm going to be very forward and very, you know, to a T on both sides. Tell me what, you know, tell me everything about you. Tell me about this. Tell me your shortcomings. Tell me about your life. Tell me what you're you want from something.

Absolutely.

You know, I find that it's not, it doesn't have to be a serious relationship top, what am I trying to say? It doesn't need to be a serious conversation either. Like just say, for instance, the apron thing, ooh, you're gonna make breakfast? Well, feel free to just walk in with your apron on and I got you the rest of the way. Like there's ways that you could set a person up for success, you know, and, and,

Right.

Or say something like I'm getting in the shower. You got about five minutes and I'm gonna handle myself, you know Lead them to where they need to be I think that's so important as women that women show that they're desiring their mate Before it ever gets to that point before sex happens get him willing and able and wanting to be close to you It's so easy being a woman to to do that

Right.

I agree with you with kind of the tongue and cheek things as well. You know, like as a guy you could go, hey, I'm about to head in the shower. If you come in, that won't be the only thing wet. Like there are fun, like, hey, you know.

Huh.

Like I'm, I'm also desiring you without it having to be like, Ooh, all the time on you. It's like some things can, you know what I mean? Like, or see, I think, you know, we live in a modern age as well. And look, there, there is something people can send pictures to each other. Now there is something to that where.

How to be what?

You know, and I'm talking about in a serious relationship. So if you're sending pictures to somebody, you're not worried about them, you know, putting them on the internet, there's personal things. But if you get something intimate, you can say, Oh, hey, I was thinking about you. And then you might be at work, you might both be at work. So now there is a trail of, hey, when I get home, like,

Yeah.

Mm -hmm. No, that's like intimate sort of stuff

Or, and you can say that like, yeah, I can't wait. Yeah. Cause I can't wait until we get home and you know, we're having dinner, but it's late. So then, you know, right away, like I'm coming home to get you. Yeah. And, but, but you also, if you set the expectation, you have to make sure you deliver. These are things don't set yourself up for failure. Either one of you.

I know what's happening, cause it's open.

Yeah, set the expectations. Yeah.

Yep, I agree with that.

If you talk dirty and you talk fun, get there at all costs. And then, hey, you'll have a fun dinner afterwards. Trust me. And these are the things that I think my friend and all these people can do.

Yes.

Communication, obviously we've talked about it a bazillion times on our pod, is key. Whether it's sexual and or relationship or how they walk hand in hand.

Mm -hmm and and to your friend You know, sometimes there's just nothing you can do to fix it either So you're at a you're at a really good spot to know which way to go either fix it and you know have her work with you fixing it or or let go because truly you're not old enough to Be in a situation where you want to be bitter the rest of your life if she's not happy. You're not happy

Let each other go so you can find happiness and you will it's not it's not like it's not out there You're never gonna have it. You can find it but fight for what you want as Hard as you can so that you could say I did the best I could and it's over That's that's my only advice. I wish I wish I had something more but we need to have a couple of women relationship stuff because the stuff that they pull I just want to beat the shit out of them because I

You and I talked off air and you said, well, what do you think? What do you think? You know, he she should do and and you said, oh, wait, I already know you would tell him just fuck him. Like, what are you waiting for? It it really is that easy. It really is that easy if you married him, you loved him. You had a relationship with him. You carried his kids. Fuck him. Fuck him.

Yeah, and well.

Well, it is.

Yeah. Well, and do it for the best of both of you. Like it...

Yeah, and put everything you got into it man, you know, I don't know if you've noticed but people are dying younger and younger It seems like as we've gotten to the age that we are if you're not leaving a person in the best shape possible Knowing that they love you and appreciate you and that you love them and you appreciate them if you're not leaving Those signs for each other you're fucking doing it wrong fix that because you don't want to have regrets

Yeah.

And I think in any relationship now, if that's not your goal to have a committed relationship, don't ever get in it. Yeah, it's like, you know, some of us are looking for a future regardless of the age, right? I did have, you know, I was talking to somebody today about, you know, what it is they're looking for. And they're like, I don't want to be a girlfriend at 60.

Don't commit.

Mm -hmm.

you know, her goal is to be married again. And which is...

I would love to be a girlfriend at 60 because girlfriend or not girlfriend, you're still you've got your person You're working your life with them. Does that piece of paper mean much it really doesn't? Nah But are those the people that are really working on a relationship the ones that got that piece of paper is she really in a situation where she has worked and worked on her relationship I don't think so

To some people it does. See, I mean.

I mean, probably not, but look, there should be a goal though, if that's your goal. And again, set your goal.

Yeah.

Your goal should be to be loved and loving so relentlessly that nothing really else matters. That should be the goal.

Yeah, and I think that and I think with my friend, he he utterly loves his wife and I see it in him because I've asked him certain things and he's like, I just love her and I love to be around her and blah, blah, blah. I was like, that's good. That exactly. I think it's come to the real talk of, look, I adore you, but we're to a point where we have to be giving and they're not.

Yeah.

He needs to have a real talk with her.

They're not giving anymore. And like I said, there's.

And if that means you don't live with the mother -in -law, if that means you have to live in a shack, go live in a shack. Go make the sacrifice to make your relationship the only thing worth fighting for. Because that truly should be, everything else should come easier than that.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're like you said before, flowers don't grow without the sun. And if you're both in the shade all the time, it's never going to get better.

It's it.

and withholding intimacy, whether it be hugging, kissing, touching, having sex, if you're withholding that, or if you're not wanting to put your every bit of effort into it, you're missing out. You're really missing out.

Yeah, I agree. I think you've said it best right there. There is no reason ever to do that. Hug him, kiss him, touch him, everything. It's the backbone of humankind. And we're not the only one who does it. Just before we get off the air.

No.

Love on them relentlessly.

You know, look at bears and deers and all these animals who still rub up against each other and show intimacy. We're not alone. So, make sure.

and it's necessary for life.

Yeah, it's necessary for mental health. You know, to know your desired, make sure, and that's my last thing is make sure that your mate knows. All right, well, we're all done. Make sure you come back every week. Check us out. Check out our socials. Until next week, I'm Rob. That's Tina. Bye, Tina's. We'll see you later.

See ya!