For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs talks with Fiona - a small business owner and mother who grew up surrounded by family violence and spent years struggling with anger in her marriage. Just seven weeks into the Complete Anger Management System, Fiona has already made remarkable progress. Her husband has noticed. She has noticed. And the insight that changed everything for her was surprisingly simple.

If you've ever felt stuck in patterns that stretch back to your childhood, Fiona's story will show you what's possible, and how quickly things can shift when you focus on what you can actually control.

Key Takeaways:

1. You can't change other people, but you can change how you respond to them. That single realisation was Fiona's turning point.
2. Learning to use the Tension Scale early is one of the most powerful anger management skills. Catching anger before it peaks creates a window for a different choice.
3. The thoughts and feelings model works beyond just anger. It helps you respond differently in all kinds of difficult situations.
4. Change doesn't have to be public. Fiona worked through the course privately, on her own schedule, without anyone needing to know.
5. Progress isn't perfect, but it is real. Seven weeks in, Fiona hadn't had a significant anger episode since starting the course.

Resources & Next Steps:

If you'd like support controlling your anger and building calmer, more loving relationships:

1. Visit: angersecrets.com
2. Book a free 30-minute phone call
3. Access the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"

Fiona grew up in a home full of violence.

And when she became a mother herself, she made a promise.

Her child would never experience what she had.

She kept that promise, but anger was still quietly destroying her marriage.

The arguments with her husband, the moments she said things she couldn't take back.

The feeling of not being heard and exploding because of it.

She'd tried other approaches.

She knew something had to change.

But the question was, what could she actually control?

Hello and welcome to the Anger Secrets podcast.

I'm Alistair Dwes, and for over 30 years, I've helped more than 15,000 men and women control their anger, master their emotions, and build calmer, happier and more loving relationships.

Today I'm talking with Fiona, a small business owner and mother who came to me about seven weeks ago carrying anger that stretched all the way back to childhood.

In that short time, she's made remarkable progress.

Her husband has noticed, she's noticed, and she has a clarity now that she didn't have before.

If you'd like help like Fiona received, head over to angersecrets.com you can book a free 30 minute call with me or grab my free training on how to break the anger cycle.

But first, let's hear Fiona's story.

Tell me a bit about yourself.

I'm married and I have one child and I own a business.

Yeah, that keeps me extremely busy at the moment.

Cool.

And what brought you to the anger course?

I've always struggled with anger as a child and I've been brought up in a family of violence and I did get better as once I left home, I stopped the physical violence and made some promises before I had a child that I would never hit them.

So I've never been physically violent as an adult, but I do get really angry at times and I need to stop that.

I need to find a way to manage my anger in a better way.

100%.

So was the anger mostly directed towards your child or was it towards other people?

No, it's towards my husband mostly.

Yeah.

Very little anger towards my child.

She's definitely a lot more like me as well.

But she's also being an only child, being brought up around adults.

And so she's extremely mature and handles situations really well, so that's really good.

But yeah, most of my anger is towards somebody that's done something bad to me.

Was it arguments between you and your husband or was it something else?

Yeah, how to be in an argument or particularly around not being listened to is probably the most key thing in there and that's to do with his Communication style, which is to walk away.

Middle conversation and lots of different things like that just make me angry.

Yeah.

So I was responding to that was difficult.

Was it?

Yeah.

I've tried to not be angry and talk to him and say, hey, when we're talking, can you just not end the conversation when you think you're ready to and walk off?

But then it does other things like stonewalling and things I've noticed since being on this course.

I didn't think he had an anger problem, but I think he does have a low level anger problem.

So this course has helped me understand him a little bit more as well.

But I think the listening is key to what's causing me issues because it makes me feel like I don't matter in those sort of things.

Was there one specific incident that brought you to the course?

I came to the course from another counseling session where it was identified that I have an anger issue.

There's other issues, but this was something I could do and I could change.

So this is something I came because I have control over what I can change here.

And if I eliminate the anger from the situation, it's only going to make it better and I can control that.

That's really cool.

And how has studying the course been for you?

The course has been great in that it's online and I can do it when I've got a minute.

And I do tend to do quite a bit at a time.

And I really got the theory at first.

The practice is always the hard part and getting from theory to practice takes a bit of work.

And yeah, I'm getting there, but just I'm just going to have to keep practicing.

And I think it's something called never stop practicing.

Great.

Has there been any main learnings for you so far?

Understanding that tension scale I think is probably key.

That's the first thing because you can prevent a lot with your tension scale, but then also the thoughts and feelings.

I have been able to change my feelings and thoughts by just thinking about the actual theory of it and thinking, hang on a minute, I can change this.

So those are probably the two key things that have helped me the most.

That's really cool.

And how much change do you think you've made so far?

I've made quite a lot of change.

I haven't been really angry since I started the course.

Certainly not much low level anger.

I've had some of that and that's what I still need to work on is the lower level.

Yeah, I'm not getting up that tension scale.

As high.

But the challenges come when I'm more stressed.

They're the challenging times.

Yeah.

And do you reckon your husband's noticed any changes?

Yeah, he said that he has.

What did he say?

He said I wasn't getting as angry as much as.

Which is good.

Yeah.

So I think that's what he's really said about it.

Nice.

If you knew someone else who was potentially thinking about doing the course or had an anger issue themselves, what would you say to them?

I would absolutely encourage people to do this course.

It's a life changer for people.

Everybody's in a different situation in life and you can manage it in your own life, in your own way and nobody needs to know that you're working on it.

You can do it all by yourself and really make a positive change in your life.

That's cool.

And how have you found doing it online?

Online's brilliant.

I'm used to doing things online, so it works well for me.

But the thing that's key for me is because I own a business, I work long hours.

So just slotting in it when it suits me is good or when I have a need for it.

There might be a time where I think, oh, actually, I really need to go and relook at this and think it through.

Makes 100% sense.

Is there anything else you'd like to say, just in general?

Just that I'm really pleased with that I've done it, really, that I've took the first steps and I'm continuing to work on it because it is important.

Do you feel optimistic about the future for yourself?

Yes, I do.

I've still got work to do, but if I look back at what I've achieved so far and if I look back from my childhood and even things that happen now that relate to that, the anger management just helps me with that, dealing with that as well.

So it.

It helps you with dealing with lots of things.

Okay.

Like just what are you meaning?

So I was brought up in a family of violence and sometimes even now as an adult that some really negative, nasty things are said to me.

And so I just don't react to any of that.

I just shut it down and just deal with it in a different way and just trying to realize that actually it's about that other person and it's not about me, it's their problem, not my problem, and trying to deal with it in a different way.

So it is that whole feelings and thoughts model, applying that in a different way.

So, yeah, there's some of the theories within help you deal with other situations as well.

I like it.

And just the idea that you can't change other people, but you can change how you respond to them, right?

Yeah, absolutely.

Okay.

Think about what you just heard.

Fiona came to me carrying anger that started in childhood.

A family full of violence that shaped how she reacted to the world for decades as an adult, she'd already done the hard work of.

Of stopping the physical side of it.

She made a promise to her child and kept it.

But the verbal anger, the explosions with her husband, the feeling of not being heard and losing control because of it, that was still there, still causing damage, still something she couldn't quite get on top of on her own.

Then she found the one question that changed everything for her.

What can I actually control here?

Not her husband's communication style, not the way he walks away mid conversation, not the stonewalling.

She can't change any of that.

But her own thoughts, her own reactions, her own tension level before it gets out of hand that she can change.

And once she locked onto that idea, the progress came quickly.

Seven weeks in, she told me she hadn't had a significant anger episode since she started the course.

Her husband confirmed it.

And the tools, the tension scale, the thoughts and feelings model, are now things she reaches for, not just with her husband, but when the old family wounds resurface too.

That's what I want you to hear in Fiona's story.

This wasn't someone who had an easy starting point.

She came from a background that most people would use as a reason not to change.

It's just how I was raised.

It's all I know.

Instead, she used it as the reason she had to.

And here's the thing.

If you're listening right now and you recognise any of what Fiona described, the arguments that escalate before you've even realized what happened, the feeling of not being heard and not knowing how to handle it, the regret afterward, you're not stuck.

The same patterns Fiona carried for years shifted in seven weeks.

Not perfectly.

She'll tell you herself.

There's still work to do, but significantly, meaningfully, in ways her husband noticed without being asked.

You don't have to figure this out alone.

Here's what I'd like you to do.

Visit angersecrets.com and book a free 30 minute call with me.

We'll talk about what's actually driving your anger.

Not just the surface triggers, but the patterns underneath.

And we'll map out a clear path forward, just like I did with Fiona.

Or if you're not quite ready for a call.

Start with the free training on how to break the anger cycle.

It's also@AngerSecrets.com that's angersecrets.com and if you're getting value from this podcast, I'd love it if you left a rating and review on your favorite podcast app.

Every review help someone else struggling with anger to find this podcast and hopefully begin their anger management journey.

It takes about a minute and helps me a lot.

And remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

Thanks for listening.

Take care.

The Anger Secrets podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy, or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.