How to Stop Being Codependent and Live Authentically as a Man with Josh Tomeoni

Codependency in men can look like a good husband keeping the peace while he slowly loses himself. My guest Josh Tomeoni runs a financial planning company and coaches men. For years, he couldn’t feel okay unless the people around him felt okay. In his marriage, every argument became a mission to make things right so he could feel settled again. He didn’t see the pattern until the marriage ended. A long separation, a contentious divorce, and a failing business all hit at once. Then the pattern followed him. He became codependent with his best friend, who simply took his wife’s place as his source of approval. Josh describes that kind of man as a tea kettle. He keeps pleasing everyone until he can’t take any more, and then he explodes.

Interdependence is the goal Josh works toward now. He walks through the difference between being codependent, overly independent, and interdependent. Many men leaving codependency swing too far and act like jerks for a while. The healthy middle lets two people manage their own emotions and still work as a team. Mike Forrester compares it to throwing a life ring from solid ground instead of jumping in to drown together. Josh draws a line every husband can use. You’re responsible for your actions, and you’re never responsible for another person’s emotions. With his 12-year-old son, he’s learning that demanding respect never works. His love is unconditional, and respect comes from being a respectable man. Near 40, Josh asked himself what his mission would be at 50. Then he lined up his actions, his calendar, and his wallet to match. He keeps coaches who won’t let him lie to himself. He also watches closely who his five biggest influences are.

The heart of this conversation is getting yourself back. Josh noticed that the good guys trying hardest to hold their marriages together often bring the least of themselves home. A partner once told him it was attractive when he disagreed with her. As a codependent, that made no sense to him. It clicked when he saw that staying true to himself made the relationship healthier. Mike Forrester teaches that who you are is separate from the roles you fill. Husband, father, and provider are clothes you step into, and you bring the same man into each one. Josh also warns dads that focusing only on your kids can make them carry your feelings. This one is for the dad with kids still at home who keeps the peace at any cost. He has lost track of himself along the way. He wants to show his kids a father who knows who he is.

What You’ll Learn In This Episode:

Recognize codependency when you can’t feel okay until your wife, kids, or friends feel okay.
Understand the difference between codependent, overly independent, and interdependent relationships.
Learn why you’re responsible for your actions and never for another person’s emotions, including your kids’.
See why demanding respect from your kids backfires and how being respectable earns it.
Use a 10 year mission question to line up your work, your calendar, and your money with who you want to be.
Spot the stress that builds when you please everyone, and manage your response before you blow up.

The key moments in this episode are:

00:03:49 - Why midlife is such a hard season for men

00:04:55 - What happens to men who lose their purpose in retirement

00:08:17 - What codependency is and how it shows up in men

00:10:24 - Why men overcorrect after codependency and what interdependence looks like

00:13:16 - How trying to keep everyone happy leads to blowing up

00:14:54 - How good husbands lose themselves keeping the peace

00:18:07 - Why you’re not responsible for your wife’s emotions

00:23:00 - How focusing only on your kids can make you codependent with them

00:26:29 - Why demanding respect from your kids backfires

00:30:59 - What happens when your kids turn 18 and get to choose

00:36:44 - How to set your mission for the next 10 years