Why do so many adult children of dysfunctional families struggle with anxiety, people-pleasing, overthinking, and feeling like they can never truly relax?

In this episode of Tammy's Takes, trauma coach Tammy Vincent explores one of the most powerful lessons from her conversation with Holly Haag: healing begins the day you become your own safe person.

Growing up in dysfunction teaches us to survive by reading the room, keeping everyone else happy, and ignoring our own needs. Those survival strategies may have protected us as children, but they often leave us feeling stuck, overwhelmed, and disconnected as adults.

Tammy explains why your nervous system continues to react long after childhood is over, shares a simple exercise you can begin using today, and offers practical steps to start rebuilding self-trust from the inside out.

If you've ever wondered why you struggle with boundaries, anxiety, or constantly feel responsible for everyone else's emotions, this episode will help you understand why—and show you where healing begins.

Ready to Begin Your Healing Journey?

Check out Tammy's self-paced course:

Trials to Triumph: An Adult Child's Beginning Roadmap to Your Healing Journey

For a limited time, get the course for just $25!

👉 https://tammy-vincent.mykajabi.com/offers/DSbcgrZZ/checkout

Use coupon code:THRIVE25 for 90% off

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https://www.tammyvincent.com

Hello everybody, and welcome back

to another episode of Tammy's

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Takes, where we take powerful

conversations with our guests and

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turn them into practical strategies

you can use right here, right now.

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So first of all, I wanna talk a

little bit about Tammy's Takes,

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because a lot of people are like,

"What the hell is Tammy's Takes?"

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Every time I have a guest on, I lay

in bed at night and I think about

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our conversation, and things just

come through my head, and I'm always

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constantly thinking thinking, thinking.

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And what I realized is those thinking

things that I'm thinking about are things

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that I wanna teach you guys, are things

that I wanna put into simple strategy,

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simple techniques, simple things that

you can do on a daily basis to make your

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life a little easier, a little simpler,

and maybe move forward in this whole

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healing game a little quicker, right?

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So that's what Tammy Takes

it- Tammy's Takes is.

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And I think there's about 40 of them

now at this point, and you can literally

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go back and binge watch all 40 of them.

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They're only five to seven minutes.

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They're real quick, but it's just

something that I wanna teach real quick

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from the episode that happened before.

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Today's episode actually comes

from the conversation that I

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had yesterday with Holly Hague.

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And if you did not listen to the

conversation yet, I encourage

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you go back and listen to it.

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Holly shared an incredible story of

surviving childhood abuse, living with

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autoimmune disease, and ultimately

rebuilding her health by healing

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both emotionally and physically.

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But there was one sentence that

she said that I haven't been

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able to stop thinking about.

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She said, "I had to become

my own safe person."

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And I thought, "Oh my gosh, that

might be one of the most important

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lessons that any adult child of

dysfunction will ever learn."

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'Cause here's what no one tells us.

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The reason that you struggle with

anxiety, the reason you overthink

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everything, the reason that you have

a hard time setting boundaries, the

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reasons you say yes when you wanna say

no, the reason you feel responsible

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for everybody else's situations is

because your nervous system is still

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waiting for someone to tell you that

it's safe, that it's safe to just exist.

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Most people think people are looking for

confidence or motivation or happiness,

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but really what we're looking for is

just simply one word, and that is safety.

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Think about your h-

childhood for just a minute.

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Just a minute.

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Who was your safe person?

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Was it your mom, your dad, your

grandma, your grandpa, your

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aunt, your uncle, a teacher?

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Who was it?

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Maybe you never had one.

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But if you're anything with like the

clients that I work with, it doesn't

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matter you- you can find one, right?

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And if you can't find one, maybe you just

have to be that safe person for yourself.

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Because honestly, maybe a lot of times,

and this happened in my case, the people

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that were supposed to protect me and

the people that were supposed to be

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the, the safest in my world were the

people that I needed protection from.

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And I look at my dad, like my dad was not

abusive in any stretch of the imagination,

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but he was emotionally unavailable,

so he still wasn't my safe person.

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Sometimes you're struggling with things.

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You're growing up with addiction.

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You grew up with parents that struggled

with mental illness or depression It's

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not your fault, and sometimes your

parents or your caregivers or the people

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that were supposed to keep you safe

were so i- wrapped up in their own pain

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that there simply wasn't room for you.

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So your nervous system adapted.

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It did what it had to do.

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It survived.

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It became brilliant at surviving.

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It learned a couple things, though,

and a couple things, if these

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resonate with you, let me know.

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How many times have you thought to

yourself, or how many times have you

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say it to yourself, "If I can just make

everyone happy, things will be good.

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If I don't make anyone

mad, things will be safe.

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If I read the room before I walk

into it, no danger can come to me"?

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What about when they asked you who you

are and you say, "I can become whoever

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you need me to be," because it feels safe?

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How many times have you told yourself

or thought to yourself or even put

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yourself in a situation and you

thought, "That might make me feel safe"?

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The problem is your nervous system

has not gotten the message yet

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that you're not seven anymore.

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You're not five, you're not three,

you're not two, you're not all of

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those ages at which you learn these

adaptive skills of staying safe.

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So it still feels as if there's

danger around every corner.

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That's why healing isn't about

just changing your thoughts.

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Healing is teaching your body a

new, safe experience, a brand-new

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experience some of you may never

have even thought about experiencing.

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One where … And I guess the easiest

way to put it is you need an experience

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where you become the safe adult your

younger self needed and never had.

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I tell my clients all the time:

healing begins the day you stop

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asking, "Who's going to rescue me?

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Who's going to save me?"

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Start asking, "How can I

show up for myself today?

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How can I not abandon myself today?"

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Because every single time that you do

that, every single time, whether it's

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setting a boundary, whether it's saying

no without guilt, whether it's nourishing

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your foo- yourself with proper food,

nutrition, exercise, whatever it is.

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Even the times that you have that little

critic sitting on your shoulder and you

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decide to, instead of entertaining their

thoughts, just speak kindly to yourself.

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How about every time you

just apologize for existing?

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These are the things that we

do, and it's because our nervous

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system doesn't feel safe.

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But every time you change and every

time you stop abandoning yourself in

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those situations and you help yourself,

you're sending one very powerful message

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to your nervous system, my friends.

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You're saying, "I got you.

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I'm not going anywhere.

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I'll protect you now.

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I know the things that happened to you

weren't your fault, but I'm here now."

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And let's go.

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That's really what you're telling it.

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That is how you build trust with yourself.

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Not overnight, not one decision.

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This is gonna take time, guys.

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This is gonna take time, but

it's one safe choice at a time.

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So today, you know I give exercises.

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Everything's all about an exercise, and

I'm gonna give you something to do today.

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The next time you feel overwhelmed, do not

immediately jump in to how you can fix it.

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Just pause, put your hand on

your heart Take a deep breath

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and ask yourself three questions.

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First, one, what am I feeling?

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Not what am I thinking,

but what am I feeling?

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What am I actually feeling in my body?

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Two, what do I need right now?

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What do I need?

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What do I need that's gonna

make me even just 1% better?

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Maybe it's a glass of water.

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Maybe it's going for a walk.

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Maybe it's phoning a friend.

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Maybe it's letting yourself

cry or beat up your pillow.

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Whatever it is, just do it.

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Ask yourself, "What do I need?"

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And then honor the answer that you get.

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And number three, ask yourself, "If the

wounded little child version of myself…"

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And it doesn't matter whether they're

two, three, four, five, six, seven,

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eight, whatever they are, "If they

were standing right in front of me at

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this moment, what would I say to them?"

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Because I guarantee you wouldn't

tell them that they were stupid.

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You wouldn't tell them to get over it.

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Of course not.

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You wouldn't do that.

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You have to start treating

yourself like your own best friend.

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So ask yourself, "What would I

say to my little self right now?"

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Think about that.

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What would you say?

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You're gonna say, "It's

okay, baby, I got you.

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We're safe.

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We're here.

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You don't have to do this alone anymore."

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So here is the important part, though.

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Say those exact words.

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Say them to yourself.

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Feel them.

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Feel that love, because your nervous

system doesn't know whether the words

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are coming from a place of forced…

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It doesn't know if it's coming from a

place of your seven-year-old self, or

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it doesn't know if it's coming from you.

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It only knows one thing, and it

knows that the message feels safe,

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and that is what we're trying to do.

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We're trying to get a safe

message out there to your

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body, to your nervous system.

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So when Holly was talking, one of the

things that I absolutely loved that she

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said, and it again reiterates everything

I'm always trying to say here, is that

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healing doesn't happen in one moment.

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It doesn't happen in one choice.

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It doesn't happen at…

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There's no one big aha, hit

in the head with a two-by-four

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transformation when it's healing.

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It is literally about making

small, tiny choices over and over

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again, and I agree 100% with that.

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You probably, if you've listened

to any of my other episodes,

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you know that I say this a lot.

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Healing isn't a breakthrough.

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It's a thousand tiny moments where

you choose yourself over abandoning

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yourself, or you choose yourself

over those survival patterns that

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you have so beautifully adapted, but

we need to work on getting rid of.

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So it's a deep breath.

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It's setting a boundary.

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It's a healthy meal.

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It's just being kind to yourself.

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It's going for a walk.

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These are the moments that are

going to start telling your

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nervous system that you are safe.

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You just need a moment, a no-

a moment where your body says,

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"I am worth taking care of.

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I'm worth it."

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And you know I'll tell you

all day long you're worth it,

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but you have to believe it.

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You have to truly believe it in your heart

or you are not going to act like you are.

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So If you're thinking about

that, and you're thinking,

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"Oh my God, that is so me.

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I say these things to myself all the

time, and I'm constantly abandoning

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myself," I'm glad you're here,

because you're in the right place.

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Because awareness is where healing begins.

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Awareness is the first step.

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So if you're saying, "Oh

my goodness, what do I do?"

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you need a road map.

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You need a road map, right?

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It's not an A to Z plan, but

it helps to have a road map.

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That's exactly why I

created a course I have.

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It's called Trials to Triumph.

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It's an adult child's beginning

road map to your healing journey.

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So I created literally specifically

for people who are just starting to

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see, "Oh my gosh, my dysfunctional

childhood did have a big impact on me.

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It did change the way I look at the world.

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It did change the way I'm showing up in

the world," and you wanna change, right?

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So it's not about fixing you,

because you're not broken,

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and I want you to hear that.

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I- it's not about fixing you.

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It's about helping you understand

why you became the way you became,

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and giving you practical tools

to get back to the were you…

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the you were before life lifed on you.

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So I want everybody to have

access to this program.

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I think it's incredibly valuable.

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It's an eight-week g- self-guided program.

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You go through it on your own rate time.

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You have constant access to me

to talk about, to ask questions,

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to get whatever you need.

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But right now I'd like to offer

it to you in the show notes

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at 90% off the normal price.

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So for just pennies, literally

pennies, you can begin on your healing

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journey, and you can start to get

some of those tools that might just

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jumpstart that journey for you.

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If you'd rather hit me up personally

and talk to me personally,

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I'm 100% cool with that, too.

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Schedule a call.

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It's a complimentary clarity

and call c- comm call.

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We just get on, we chat about whatever

you wanna know, and the next steps.

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Because, like I said, a little guidance,

a little help, a little road ma- map along

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the way will never hurt anybody, right?

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So it doesn't matter whether it's

working with me, taking the course,

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just staying on my podcast and

listening, looking up other podcasts,

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reaching out to other coaches.

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Whatever it is, just keep taking the

next step, because you so deserve it.

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Like I said, and I've mentioned 1,000

times, Holly talked about it again,

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healing doesn't happen all at once.

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It happens one safe choice at a time.

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So thank you so much for spending time

with me today, these three- few minutes.

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I know these Tammy Takes are very quick,

but if you get one thing from them, if you

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get one little thing, I've done my job.

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So if this episode spoke to you, please do

me a favor: share, subscribe, and pass it

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along to someone who might be struggling.

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Pass it along to someone who might

be interested in what we have to say.

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And until next time,

remember you are enough.

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You always have been.

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You are worthy of every good

thing that is coming your way.

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You all have a blessed and amazing

day, and I will see you back soon.

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Take care.