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Today we're talking about one of the hardest conversations that many new moms and their families try to avoid, but that is setting boundaries with the people you love most about your birth and your postpartum experience, and why boundaries protect relationships, and it's very vulnerable.

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And I also am gonna chat about what it feels like to be on the other side as I've prepared to become a Gigi again and respect my own daughter's boundaries.

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Hey Mamas, it's Trish or Labor Nurse Mama, and if you're pregnant right now or you just brought your baby home and you're already feeling the pressure from well-meaning loving family and friends, this episode is for you.

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I am a labor nurse of 16 years, a mom of seven, and about to become a Gigi for the second time, so I'm living.

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Proof of both sides of this boundary conversation, and I'm gonna be really, really honest with you guys today.

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By the end of this episode, you'll have a few boundary scripts that you can use and just also some general advice and a framework for handling pushback from family and friends.

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And sometimes it's pushback from your partner.

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You have my permission to protect your postpartum peace, even when.

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It feels uncomfortable and people are making you feel bad for it.

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Okay, so boundaries are hard and they feel hard.

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And here's the truth.

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You just went through, or you're about to go through one of the most vulnerable experiences of your life.

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Your body is healing, your bibs are leaking, your bit is swollen, your hormones are everywhere, and you're learning how to feed, soothe, and care for.

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A tiny human sometimes on zero sleep, and suddenly everyone has an opinion when to visit, how long to stay, whether you should breastfeed or bottle feed.

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If the baby is too hot or too cold, or held too much or have not held enough, the pressure is suffocating.

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And here's what I want you to hear.

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Boundaries aren't mean.

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They're your right and you're allowed to protect your experience.

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They protect your healing, your mental health, and your bonding time.

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No one has to agree with them, and this is really, really hard for me right now because my daughter is establishing some pretty firm boundaries, which I agree with her, but also it's hard as a family member when you set your boundaries early.

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You may prevent resentment later or you may not.

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But really, it's not up to you to worry about that when you're trying to people please, through your postpartum your mama journey, you're gonna end up angry and exhausted and disconnected.

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And how others react to you.

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The boundaries you're setting for your experience is really on them.

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And I'm saying that going through this right now, right?

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So I'm gonna give you three scripts.

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You can copy and paste, you can text 'em, you can say 'em out loud, doesn't matter.

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The first one we're gonna talk about is the visiting boundary.

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So here's a script that if you feel like you need a script, if you don't, if you just wanna say it how it is, it's up to you.

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But you can say something like, we're so excited for you to meet the baby.

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And we're asking everyone to wait until, and then you install your specific date and time for visits so we can settle in as a family first.

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We'll let you know when we're ready for visitors.

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Thank you so much for understanding.

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Now, hopefully you're able to communicate that with love.

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That is the best way to handle it and how people respond to it.

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That's on them.

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The next one is advice.

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Here's a script.

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I appreciate you sharing that.

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Right now we're following our, whatever pediatrician's guidance or what we have found is right for our family.

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If we need advice, we'll ask, and sometimes you're gonna get advice and sometimes you can just let people give it and just ignore it.

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It's up to you how you want to handle that.

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If you have people offering to help you in certain ways, I want you to get really comfortable with being able to communicate how you need help.

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So you could say something like, the best way to help us right now is.

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Specific task, drop off a meal, run an errand, do my laundry, fold my laundry, mop my floors.

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We're not ready for long visits yet, but we'd love the support in other ways.

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Notice what these scripts have in common.

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They're kind, they're clear, and they're non-negotiable.

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You're not asking for permission.

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You're not, you're just, you're, you're not.

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You're just stating what works for your family.

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And even if.

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Gigi doesn't agree, it's still your right to set your boundaries.

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Now, what to do when your family doesn't agree so, or friends don't agree?

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And this is where it gets really hard.

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You set the boundary and someone pushes back or someone makes you feel bad about it.

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But I'm the Gigi.

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I have rights.

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I wanna see the baby.

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We didn't do that way when, you know, when I had you and you turned out fine or you're being too sensitive or, or you're being like, horrible.

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Don't you care?

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I'm just trying to help you first.

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Take a deep breath.

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Their reaction is not your responsibility.

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You are not responsible for managing other people's emotions or disappointment.

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How you can respond is when they guilt trip you.

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You could say something like, you don't wanna come back with negative emotions.

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You could say something like, I understand you're disappointed.

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This is what works for us right now.

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If they argue, you can say, I love you, but this isn't up for debate.

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This is the decision we made.

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When they ignore your boundary, you can say, we asked for insert boundary.

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If that's not respected.

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We'll need to take a step back until it is, and again, I'm saying this in a place where some of my family is not agreeing with my daughter's choices, and I'm not agreeing with all her choices, but that's it.

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It's her choice because the hardest part is you may need to set.

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Consequences.

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I guess if someone shows up unannounced whenever you ask them not to, you don't have to open the door.

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If someone criticizes your parenting, you can end the visit Early.

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Boundaries without consequences are just words, right?

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So, you know, I love y'all and I know this is hard, especially if you agree you have a certain boundary and your partner doesn't agree, you know, so.

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Or your mom doesn't agree, or your partner's mom doesn't agree.

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I'm gonna flip this over to my perspective as a Gigi.

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I'm about to become a Gigi again, and my daughter's preparing for birth, and I have to respect her boundaries even when they're hard for me.

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I'm labor nurse, mama, y'all like, I wanna be there.

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I wanna be there for all the moments, but that's not up to me.

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I wanna help her.

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I wanna hold her baby.

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I wanna soak in every second.

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I have experience.

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I've done this seven times and I'm a labor and delivery nurse for 16 years.

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Surely to goodness I'm gonna be useful, right?

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That's what I'm thinking.

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But here's what I'm learning.

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It's not about me.

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This is Laney's experience.

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My daughter's postpartum experience is hers and her boundaries aren't a rejection of me.

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Their protection of her.

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And if I push, if I guilt, if I make it about my feelings, I'm hurting our relationship and I'm hurting her peace.

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And that's not what I want.

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So I'm practicing saying, what do you need from me?

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Instead of what I wanna do or what I know she needs, I'm here.

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When you're ready, you are the mom.

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You get to decide.

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I have been practicing that, so I am telling you, if you're a grandma, if you're a Gigi, if you're an uncle, if, if you're whatever, sitting here, I'm sitting with my own discomfort because loving her well means respecting her boundaries, even when I wish they were different.

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So again, if you're a Gigi or you're a family member and you're listening.

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Your job is to support, not to lead, ask, don't assume, respect, don't push.

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Your relationship with that baby will be so special no matter what boundaries the mama needs.

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You'll still have a amazing experience.

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I didn't meet Asa my grandson until he was already over 24 hours because I was outta town when he was born.

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All my friends got to be there for his delivery, but not me.

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All the people I worked with, 'cause he is born at my hospital.

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But you know what?

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My relationship with him is amazing.

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You know, one of the most damaging things to a new mom is guilt and it can really hurt her.

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So.

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Let's not add to that.

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Let's add to being helpful, and if a new mom feels guilty for wanting space, let's reframe this for her.

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You are not being selfish.

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You're being a good mom and you're taking care of you.

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I wish I would've taken care of me early on.

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My family would not have respected my boundaries.

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They never have.

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They never did when, when?

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When I was younger, and some of them still don't.

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But you have every right to protect your postpartum peace.

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You're modeling healthy boundaries for your child, and you're teaching them that your needs matter too and that rest is important.

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And that saying no is okay.

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So here's a mantra I want you to repeat.

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My baby needs a arrested, peaceful mom more than my family needs to see my baby.

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Or needs immediate access.

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Now, if you're like me and, and it doesn't bother you, and you're like, yeah, come on, come and see the baby, then that's your choice too.

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You get to set the boundaries.

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That's that.

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And we as family members have to accept them.

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You need to be regulated, you need to be protected and that's a priority.

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So boundaries are okay.

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I'm just saying that right now.

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They're okay and you're allowed to set them.

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Mama, if you need more support navigating postpartum and boundaries and hard conversations, come join us inside of Calm Mama Society.

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You get it free if you purchase the birth course bundle.

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You get it free for 30 days and then it's $19 a month, or you can join at $19 a month, or you can join for the year long discount of two 19.

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We talk about all of this stuff.

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Every single day, and we created a space, a very low cost, affordable space for real moms, real struggles and real access to a postpartum doula and myself.

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So if this episode helped you share it with a friend who's about to have a baby, or struggling with family pressure, sometimes we just need permission to protect our peace.

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You've got this.

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Set the boundary, hold the line.

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Your postpartum health matters As always, hit subscribe, leave a review and we'll see you again next week.

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Bye for now.