Have you ever wondered how uncovering hidden family truths could reshape your identity and relationships? Dive into the first part of this intriguing journey of Brian Stanton, an actor and writer who reveals the profound impact of DNA discoveries and adoption on his life.

In this episode, listeners will explore the intricate dynamics of adoptive relationships, emotional support, and personal discovery. Whether you're connected to adoption personally, know someone who is, or simply love a gripping narrative of self-discovery and family secrets, this story will touch your heart and expand your understanding of family and identity.

Adoptee Writes His Own Script Part One

Listeners will gain:

1. Insight into the emotional roller coaster of discovering one’s roots through DNA testing and its impact on personal and family identities.
2. Understanding of the importance of support systems for adoptees, as shared through Brian's experiences and those of his supportive spouse.
3. Awareness of the complexities involved in adoptive relationships and how adoptees navigate the quest for belonging and identity.

Don’t miss this powerful tale of uncovering hidden truths and the journey toward self-acceptance. Search for "The Family Twist: Corey & Kendall Stulce" and immerse yourself in a story that promises not only to engage but also to enlighten.

Guest Bio:

Brian Stanton (He/Him) is a critically acclaimed playwright, actor, and a poignant voice in the adoptee and arts communities. His solo play, "Blank" and film, "The Ghost Kingdom," delve into his adoption story, exploring themes of identity, loss, and reunion. Through his art, Brian seeks to connect with others, fostering understanding and healing within the adoption community.

Brian's work has been recognized across the United States, where he has performed his plays for a decade, earning accolades and touching hearts. Beyond his plays, Brian actively participates in conferences and workshops, sharing his journey and insights to support adoptees and their families.

Brian is also involved in initiatives to promote openness and healing in adoption narratives, advocating for the rights and voices of adoptees to be heard and respected.

Resources Mentioned:

• "Blank" and "The Ghost Kingdom" - Brian Stanton's play and film exploring his adoption journey.
• DNA testing services (23andMe, Ancestry.com) - Crucial tools in Brian's search for his biological roots.
• Adoption conferences and workshops - Platforms where Brian shares his story and connects with the community.

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Welcome back to Family Twist. I'm one of your hosts, Corey Stolz. Today, Kendall and I are peeling back the layers of Brian Stanton's story. An actor, writer, and a man who experienced some earth-shaping family surprises thanks to one of those good old DNA tests. Brian's energy really connected with us, and before we knew it, we'd been recording for nearly two hours. Even after editing, I couldn't bear to leave out any of the wild twists, so this is gonna be another two-parter.

Brian is infectious and delightful, and I'm not just saying that because he started our interview with high praise for me. Okay, the Leo and me might have a little bit to do with it. But without further ado, let's meet Brian.

Brian, thank you for joining us on the show today. Thank you, Corey and Kendall. I'm flattered and just thrilled to be here with you guys. Awesome. And I wanted to start with Corey. To be such a loving and supportive partner in this journey and process is, it's so heartwarming as an adoptee to see that and to hear your guys' relationship and to hear your support.

I've been fortunate too with a partner, my wife. I reunited with my mother when my wife and I were dating and she's gone through this journey and as I've become more active in the community, so many people have come up to her and said, how are you doing this? Isn't it tough being married to an adoptee? It's such a tough, crazy journey. I mean they say a tongue in cheek, right? But yeah, it's so helpful for us to have.

that partner in this emotional up and down roller coaster of the journey. So it's very beautiful, Corey. So I want to thank you on behalf of all the adoptees who are looking for that kind of support. And I talk about my adoption really a lot. And I remember, you know, it came up really early for us. And I remember Corey saying, isn't it so strange to not know where you came from? I think he was very polite about it. He probably didn't say it in those words.

way back then saying to him, yeah, but I'll probably never find them. You know, this is 2005 and I don't think we ever dreamt that we were going to get to the point where we could have all these great DNA matches and, you know, ways to find each other. But to your point, he's been with me through all of that, you know, and thankfully has always been a catalyst for the search, you know, even when I would lose hope.

about ever finding people. He was the one saying, this is going to happen someday. You know? Yeah. A cheerleader. Yeah, yeah. And here, that's great. That's great. I know, unfortunately, I know quite a bit of people who have gone through divorce after they reunite because they just learn so much about themselves and sometimes their true selves start coming out and it's such an emotional...

journey and their partner is not very willing to go along that. This isn't the person I'm marrying and they split. Anyway, it's great to have them. Well, and I think it's always been really important to me to have Kendall feel part of my family because when we met, both of his adopted parents had already been gone for a long time and his stepmother lived several hours away. And so, bringing him early on into my family, which is pretty close.

generally was really important. And so just so he could have that sort of sense of that, I think family has become every day just becomes more important to us. My cousin and his girlfriend lived not far from us for a couple of years and they spent every other weekend staying with us, brought their big dog and karaoke, artie and cooking and all this stuff, you know, and it's just like, so Kendall got to know them really well. And it's like, and this was a younger cousin. So when I was a kid.

We weren't super close because there was such an age difference, but once you're an adult, that doesn't matter as much. So for sure. Yeah, we miss them a lot. And then you guys moved close to your, Kendall, your biological family, right? And now you're close with their... I'm close to my father and two of his other three kids. We almost always go over to my local brother's house on Easter.

hang out with him and his wife and their kids. And for me, that's just huge, you know, having grown up. Beautiful. You know, I won't say alone because I had a lot of good, you know, like cousins growing up and that sort of thing. But no, I was an only child until I was almost 12 and my father remarried my stepmother after my mother had passed away. And I got stepsisters then, but you know, in the...

Formative years, I feel like I was, you know, an only kid. So, yeah. Right. Yeah. And to that, Kendall, thank you for your courage, your emotional honesty and openness and sharing your story. It's so helpful to many of us out there. So thank you for putting yourself out there and putting your voice out there and really your heart being vulnerable. And it's not easy. Yeah.

Thank you, I admire you guys. Thank you, I appreciate that. Awesome. There, Kendall and I both have a very soft place in our hearts for playwrights and stage performers because that's actually how we met. I was in a play and I met Kendall at the cast party. Yep, yep. I heard that, I heard you guys talk about that. And then we got to friend the playwright, which is just, that's, you know, bizarre in its own right. We love live theater and it takes a lot of...

bravery and you know gumption to do what you do so kudos to that. Oh well thank you yeah I know I've always loved the theater it's a true holistic art for the whole mind body and spirit right up there in front of everyone people have been doing it for thousands of years you know starting out around the campfire and just storytelling it's an art that everybody says is dying but somehow it never dies. Right. Exactly.

And I encourage as much as possible for, you know, for the arts to stay alive in schools, because even if that doesn't end up being what you do for a living, just I'm still, you know, close with many of my high school friends who I did theater with, you know, and it's just, and not many of us are still in performing arts, but it's like the things I are doing are amazing. And I think without that foundation, you know, who knows? Everybody who, you know, has come from that.

come from the stage, seems to thrive in their own way, doing something. And you know what? Theater and creative arts, I mean, it's needed now more than ever. We're, you know, what COVID did, and we're separated, and we're getting so into our phones and social media, which has all its great things, right? Children are becoming more and more anxious, socially anxious. And the art of theater and storytelling is so important right now.

We just need to be in front of each other and talk to each other and learn from each other and create with each other. It's very important. Yeah. And starting at a young age without a doubt. And encouraging people to do more than just TikTok. You know what I mean? That's theatrical in itself, but let's try to get some attention span that's a little bit longer than...

Just the communal aspect, the in-person communal ritualistic aspect of it. There's magic in it. Yeah. This just popped into my head, but I got to witness this when we were living in San Francisco. I'm sure you're familiar with Carol Channing, the legendary Carol Channing. Yeah. So they were naming her high school's theater after her. And she's in her 90s at this point and came to speak to this packed house of kids.

who were just like, eating up every word and asking really thoughtful questions. And just, it was like, okay, wow, okay, this is something to see because we're talking how many generations down the line. And here's Carol Channing saying like, you know, this is, I started in, you know, performing when I was in high school and, you know, look what happened to me and you can do it. And it's just, it was so beautiful. Like I still get, you know, chills when I think about it. She was fantastic. That sounds amazing. Yeah.

That sounds amazing. Wow, I'd love to hear that. I'd love to hear that. I've always been interested in the theater. I remember when my parents took me to the first play that I saw, which was Annie, funny, orphan. Actually, Annie, you know, it's an orphan. And I remember, like, the play had to stop and the curtain, like, dropped right in the middle of the play.

and we had to evacuate the theater. There was like a little fire backstage, but they kept us. They were saying the show will go on. Just please be patient if you can hang out, you know, a little later with us. And this was in Kansas City. I was born and adopted and raised in Kansas City. I think it was at the Midland, I'm trying to remember. We all came back into the theater and we took our seats and you know, all the lights were on. And when the lights went dark, because the play was about to begin, everybody in the audience just erupted.

in applause. Yeah. And then the lights came back on and we're like, oh. And then they went out again. Everybody's like, yeah. And so they played with us like that like four or five times. Then the play started again and it finished. And it was so magical. And I can picture it in my head right now. That live aspect of anything can happen and you're having this experience with all these people, you know, for one night, you know, because everything's different. Yes. And the audience is a character in and of itself.

energy effects the way the story is told, certainly from night to night. And then I saw my grade school put on the play Oliver. So of course both plays deal with orphans that I saw. And the kid playing Oliver, I just remember looking at him going, I want to do that. I think I can do that. And I was very, very young. And I begged my mom for acting classes.

begged her and she's like, no, you don't need to do that, you know. And I was an athlete too, so I was playing all those sports, but I had to beg her for like three or four years to finally get an acting class. And the only reason was, was because I was in the Cub Scouts and we went to do like a workshop with Theater for Young America there in Kansas City. And I loved it. I loved everything about it. And this was like in the sixth, seventh grade.

And I just begged my mom once again, can I stay? Can I take these classes? And the teacher actually recommended me, said, no, I think your son should do this. And my mom caved in, let me do it, and loved the class. And a few weeks into the class, they were having auditions for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. And they were casting children for the children.

And I auditioned, I really wanted to audition. I'm trying to remember if I even told my mom, because it just happened after class. And I got the role of Mike TV and I was hooked, man. I was hooked. That's so cool. Wow. So just changing gears. But my adopted family didn't know. They didn't know anything about the theater world. Yeah. You know, they didn't know. And so it was just so foreign to her. Yeah. And I think finally she came in. Brian, how old were you when you found out you were adopted?

Don't remember a time. My parents were always open about it. I'm so glad that is your experience. I think I have been so surprised at the number of people that we've spoken to on this podcast who just didn't have that. I am so thankful that it was never stigmatized in my home, in my community. My parents were so upfront about it.

You know, with everyone. It's funny. Now I kind of admire it. A because it was the right thing to do and lots of people didn't do it. But B, that took when I was born a hundred years ago, that was a bigger deal. You know, I think, or maybe not. Maybe it's the same now, but in general, I just feel like there could have been stigma, but there wasn't.

when I hear those stories of late discovery adoptees and people just lying around the subject, all these secrets and lies. If you want to parent a child, parent that child and be honest and respect who they are and where they come from. Kendall, I believe your mom had a couple miscarriages, if I remember correctly. Yes, three, yeah, before. Yeah, same with my mom.

Same with my mom. And that's a loss. It's a loss that we should recognize for adoptive parents. But if they choose to adopt and bring another child from a different tribe into their tribe, they should work through that loss and sit with that loss and admit, okay, we're going to bring a child from a different tribe into our family and we will honor where they came from.

I think it's highly important. And adoptive parents, if I could defend them a little, they were just not educated. They were literally told, this child won't remember anything about their mother and about the past. They just move on as if they were your child.

You know, their parents saying, oh, we don't see color. You're our child, just like all of us. But meanwhile, they're denying their very special, unique traits and their unique culture. And the secrets and lies, I can't believe we're still dealing with it today, actually. I guess, OK, in the 50s, they were, that was terrible back then. But now, like, I don't know, I think we're more educated. And well, you know, it stems from shame.

So if you're holding a secret about me, there must be something wrong with me. You know, that's what I naturally feel. What exactly is the shame that you're dealing with? And, um- Well, I'm thinking about the anxiety that's been created for so many people who, since the advent of the home DNA kit, it's just, and they're just like, it's like a ticking time bomb. It's like, oh gosh, when are they gonna, you know, when's it gonna- No more secrets, everybody! Right? That's right.

The skeletons are coming out of the closet. So just be honest. And I don't understand why. I mean, get over it. Listen, I mean, you know, in the West, we have a very suppressed, terrible relationship with sex. And it's like, why? This is like, let's talk about it. Let's be honest. What are you ashamed? Let's talk about it.

Let's be honest with issues around sex, and our issues stem from shame. Why should we be shameful about our bodies? Why should we be shameful about sex? Listen, there are eight billion people on this planet. If there's one thing that we do, we fuck. I mean, all of us. You know what I mean? And we all have the same body parts. Like, why do we... What is it that you're holding and that you have to...

have a secret so much. We put so much stuff on ourselves and society. Like, get over it. Let's help each other out. Let's talk to each other. Let's communicate and take care of each other. Yeah, because you bring up a good point because my poor birth mother, we've never spoken and I wish that she could let go. Do you know what I'm saying of all of that? Because I think...

Like you said, she was only 15 when I was born, so there was the stigma of having a child that young, but she had zero control over whether she got to keep me. So to your point, it's like, that was 53 years ago. You know what I'm saying? When is it okay to let go of that? I know. And I'm so sorry, Kyle, that you're facing it.

second rejection in a way. My heart, yeah, I feel you. And yes, it's like women were not treated well if they came home pregnant and lack of choice, lack of ownership of their own choice over their own, you know, bodies and what to do. And it was highly stigmatized and highly traumatic. My mother, they wanted to send her away. You're pregnant, she grew up in an Italian Catholic family.

They wanted to send her away. And she wanted to keep me even though she was 16, but her parents were saying no. So my mom said, okay, if you let me stay at home while I'm pregnant, I promise I'll surrender my child to adoption. And me hearing that, I was like, wait, you wanted to keep him? Like you had this hardship? Like I didn't know. You know, I always had these fantasies that adoption, oh, so your mother made the best choice for you cause she loved you.

But meanwhile, in the back of my head going, what, she made the best choice and that was giving me away? What is this, you know? But I had all these things, oh, she was probably young, couldn't take care of me, or you know, they had these issues, what a great thing. And so to hear her and see her just sob when she saw me and she couldn't let go of me, I didn't know how to receive that love. And to receive her.

shame and stigma that she faced because it was all coming out again, you know. It's just really hard for mothers. But I think this is a way to heal. And if she would only respond to you, Kendall, I think it's a way to heal. It's a path to healing. I'm sorry that she's gone through a tough time. And unfortunately, that's difficult for you too. Because I have always, maybe to a fault, I've always been so proud.

You know, of myself, I don't mean in a, in a like a conceited way. I just mean I lived through a lot. You know, I buried both of my adopted parents by the time I was 17. It built a lot of fortitude in me. And I have always taken a lot of pride in that. And I was surprised at myself with how much hurt I felt.

when my birth mother wouldn't speak to me. Way back when, when Corey and I talked about the possibilities of finding people, I was completely delusional. I was like, well, you know, if she doesn't ever want to talk to me, no big deal. I had great parents, you know, before, and that's easy to say, right? Until she was in the face. And then it's like, what the hell? You know, it's like. What is this feeling? Exactly. Like.

No offense. My mother has four kids. I would say that she's proud of all four. I mean, of the three of the others, but I haven't done some of the things that two of them have done. You know what I mean? We all make bad life choices, don't get me wrong, and I've made a few. But I mean, you know, it's just kind of shocking. It's like, I'm still, I still feel that pride. Like, well, screw you, lady. I'm a nice guy and I'm successful and

And I don't mean with money. I'm saying I feel proud of myself and what I do and what I give back to the community. And you know, she should feel that about me as well. You know what I mean? Like it's just with you, but. Yes. Absolutely. Yeah. You're proud of yourself. You're like, look at me, mom. Look at me. Yep. Just look at me once. Just respond to me once and tell me that you're proud of me. Right.

Just once and then we never have to talk again, but just acknowledge me, please. That's exactly it. Yep. Cause I don't need anything from her. And in fact, after six years, I'm so aggravated that it's she hasn't spoken to me that, you know, I get myself like, well, I'm, you know, I don't need her and, you know, and you know, is that a facade? Probably. Because if she called me tomorrow and said, you know, I'm sorry, it's taken me so long for us to connect.

my heart would melt and I would be, you know what I mean, like open to her relationship, but I don't think that's what she wants. And that's, I vacillate between those feelings constantly. Corey's probably so sick of hearing me talk about it. You know? Oh, but he's such a great partner, such a great partner. Of course we go through those emotions and we're trying to, first of all, all your emotions are.

It's okay. It's okay to feel that way. You have every right to feel all of that. We also do have to resign to some things, you know? Yeah, so it's highly understandable. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure you do. It's something that thankfully people who aren't adoptees or don't go through this transition, they don't have to think about, but it's so difficult. It's so difficult to describe how you feel. Oh, completely. Yeah. So I...

met my mother when I went to California Institute of the Arts, um, and for graduate school in an act, in their acting program. And I received a letter from my, from my birth mother while I was in an acting class, we had our break, you know, it was like one of those three, four hour acting labs and we had a break and I went to check the mail and there was the letter. I immediately, I knew it cause I saw her name and I immediately just started saw her. Like, wait, what?

I don't even know this woman. What am I feeling? And so my friends comforted me, and I told the teacher. And of course, my acting teacher was like, hell, we can use this. How clearly, if you want to read the letter with us, this is great, this is a moment, let's live. I'm like, I think I'm gonna go be alone. And so I went outside, and there's this kind of sloped, a little hill with these trees.

And I sat on the dirt and I read this letter. And I think it took me about an hour to get through, you know, a four page letter and just keep putting it down and crying. And I was like, what am I feeling? What is this? These emotions are ineffable and it's so hard to describe. And for 24 hours that I was dating my wife and she drove up, bless her heart, to stay the night with me at school in our tiny little.

closet of a dorm room on and off, just out of the blue. You know, I could be fine having dinner with my wife, then all of a sudden I started crying. It was so overwhelming and I didn't know why. And I'm telling you, when they say, you know, when you reunite and the birth mother sees you for the first time, she goes back to that time of relinquishment. So when my mother saw me, she was a 16 year old again.

you know, and all those emotions come up of the whole time period. I'm sure the emotions that came up for me was like cellular memory. I was that infant being taken away from his mother. You know, the infant that was not put immediately into my mother's arms. And those emotions just come up. And of course, we didn't have language to describe those emotions back then, right? And that's why it's just overwhelming and coming up and we don't know what it is.

it was. When you got that letter, had you been looking for your birth family? Yeah. My whole life. I'm one of the fortunate ones like you, Kendall. I love my adoptive family. I certainly had a very complicated relationship with my mother, but I never doubted her love and she would do anything for me. My brother and sister who are biologically related to my adoptive parents. So after those miscarriages that my mother had, they adopted me.

She said, well, I have some information. And she whips out my original birth certificate. Listeners, the crazy thing, listener, I don't know if you all know, but there are still states where records are closed to adoptees, right? That we are not allowed to have our original birth certificate. So we get an amended birth certificate with the adoptive parents information on it. Not really a record of our birth, but more of a record of our adoption. Kansas City is interesting because it

sits on the border of Missouri and Kansas. Kansas has always had open records. They've never closed their records. Missouri was very closed. I was born on the Missouri side. So there was some angel in Catholic Charities, I was adopted through Catholic Charities, who photocopied my birth certificate from my mom. How long she's had this, since I had always asked her about it, I don't know. She was never forthright with that. But nonetheless, my birth mother's name was on it.

We looked her up and she had other information. Like she had done some stalking, I guess, but knew that she was married and had her husband's name. And she's like, well, let's just look her up in the phone book. This whole scene is in my play, Blank, by the way. Looks it up in the phone book and boom, they're right there. Both their names with that last name right there in the phone book. And young listeners out there, a phone book is like this big, thick book that you turn pages in. Everybody's listed with phone numbers and stuff and address. Anyway.

And you can use it to interrogate somebody and unflip the person. Yes. That's right. And we get it every year under the mailbox. Anyway, it was so sudden and my whole life I knew that I wanted to be my mother. I always had a feeling that I would definitely know my mother. But suddenly there was a little fear and there was some guilt.

because I didn't want to make my adoptive mother feel bad, you know, my loyalty, you know, that adoptive guilt. So I didn't want to hurt anybody's feelings, but I'm having these feelings come up. I know I want to meet her, you know, so I had to deal with that. But then I finally said, yeah, I'd like to meet her. And my mom, my adoptive mom said, okay, I'll call her. Oh, wow. And let her, I know, amazing. Let her know that you are, that who you are, and I'll make sure it's her. Let her know who you are.

She started out the letter right away. Brian, I first want to answer a question that I'm sure you have for me and one that I put to myself 23 years ago. How could I give away my own son? She said, Brian, I was 16. I was at a high school party and had been gang raped. Oh. And that floored me because the whole identity thing, right? Like, oh, what does that mean? Who I am now? What is this? You know?

It was frightening. It was the last thing I expected to hear. So had to do with that. And I'll put a button on that, you guys. That was a tough journey, obviously, but after work and talking with people, I pretty quickly was able to realize that I am not the rape. Right. Do you know what I mean? I know the cause of it. It's a horrible thing that my mother went through, but I am not that. I wrote her back.

And then we started writing each other and then we started emailing and it just became this beautiful honeymoon of a relationship. You know, just finding, asking all these questions about each other. And then we met in person. I went and I had to go home for my brother's high school graduation and we met. I went to her house and we met. And that's when she was like, you know, she couldn't stop crying. It was holding me.

And I didn't know how to take that. I didn't know how to receive it. I was very overwhelmed as much. I was saying, I felt like I had to take care of her. I felt like I was the adult in the relationship almost. And that's me too. I'm always like, peace, peace. Let's make sure everything's okay. You know what I mean? And I'm fine, I'm doing fine. But yet I have these emotions inside me bubbling that I didn't understand. And not until I started performing my play Blank, which literally

refers to the namespace on my original birth certificate. It was blank, you know, a blank space. And of course it's that hole that we're trying to fill, right? Ketanol, it's just trying to find things out. After I started performing and I got into this big adoption community that you guys have been introduced to through doing your podcast, that's when I really started to learn and understand what my adoption has meant to me.

and talking with mothers, with first mothers. And I'm like, oh, that's why my mom didn't want to let go of me. She wanted to touch me and hold me and not let go of me again. And I didn't understand that. And I didn't understand the hardship. Like I said before earlier, I just thought it was such an easy choice for mothers, right? Oh, yeah, Donk should a great thing. I can't take care of my kid right now. I'll just get, you know.

but it was very, very difficult for my mother and obviously, Kendall, it was for yours too. It must have been. But I learned a lot through this community about myself and about the play I wrote. I mean, I wrote this play and I didn't fully, a lot of it came out of my subconscious. I didn't fully get, you know, lines that I wrote suddenly started making sense to me. Like, oh, that's why I wrote that line. You know, I would hold Q&As with the audience and.

So my play, I probably didn't fully understand my own play, fully embrace it as an actor and as a human being until after like 30 performance levels. So I just learned so much about myself. And that's a great thing about theater and art. It's therapeutic, not only for others, but your own evolution. Yes. We want to talk about the origins of Blank here in a moment, but just to clarify for you, Brian, and for those listening that...

Kendall and I decided a handful of episodes in that we only wanna know so much about who we're talking to get us in trouble. Because if we know everything or if we do a pre-interview, it just doesn't come across as like, you know, as real, you know, so we obviously don't know everything that happens in blank, hence the gay gasp that you heard from me. I'm not, I'm not. What? Yeah. But I feel like it serves us well because it's not only for us, but for the guests, it's like,

We don't know the full story. We know the skeleton of the story. And but sitting to hear about the organs and the skin and the muscles and all that stuff, I think is what helps make this podcast real, as opposed to like doing a pre-interview with a talk show producer or something like that. So like, I think we, early on I did a pre-interview with a pair of sisters, a beautiful story, but then that pre-interview, which I didn't record.

turned out to be not as good as the actual interview because I knew everything. So it was like I could guide them through it, but then they'd already told me too, so they're telling me a second time. Yeah. Just sounds good. And in organic commerce, I actually prefer this, but I've done other interviews and yeah, they want a whole pre-chat or sometimes I have to write a bunch out and send this and show them that. So this is great. So Corey and listeners, get ready for some more gay guys. Okay. Ready to go. Wonderful. All right. So-

You were still in school, you meet your birth mother, all these feelings are like churning around inside of you. At what point do you start to think about putting pen to paper and telling a story? I saw a good friend of mine who is actually a professional writer right now, a screenwriter. She put on a solo performance, and it was about her first experience on a set as an actor. And she played a nude.

Oh my. And the play starts out with her laying in a bathtub, just like this, but with a robe on. Then you hear rehearsals up, blah, blah. And then she gets up and says, starts telling her story. And it's really about owning your body and overcoming self-conscious issues and body issues and image issues, especially for women. And the way that...

sometimes they're portrayed in some of these films and TV. So it was really her coming into herself. And at the very end, it said, okay, pictures up, places, please. And then she removes her towel and lies in the bathtub. And it was the most powerful, beautiful thing I had ever seen up to that point. And I went up to her and I'm like, oh, that was beautiful. Like, how do you come up with this? Like I want to do this. I think you're so brave. So that was my inspiration.

I wanted to write something, and then I saw a woman named Allison Larkin put on a play out here in Los Angeles, and it was about her adoption story. I was like, well, here you go. This is what I got to do. She was inspirational too. I started writing, you guys, and I don't fancy myself as a writer. I'm an actor, but I have ideas, I guess. I don't know. There's a writer in all of us, I guess.

But I was writing things down and I wanted to do a journey in search of identity. And that's what I wanted to do. And I had this script and I gave it to a friend of mine who worked at like Warner Brothers at the time, I think, and revising screenplays. And I said, can you check this out? Does it make sense? And I had written this, you know, all these questions about identity and created scenes with kind of my adoption story in the background, right? And he said, Brian, like, your scenes are fine. Like they're...

intellectually stimulating, kind of ethereal. Okay, that's kind of... But Brian, your story, your adoption story, that's the heart of it. That's you. And he's like, I didn't know all this about you. I am so intrigued. You need to go with that. And then these other questions come out of that. And I'm like, well, I guess adoption does have something to do with all my identity issues. So I was exploring that and I came up...

With the critics, I was very fortunate with a few awards, and I also, along with theater festivals and performing at other theaters all over the country and in Vancouver, I also performed for the foster adoption community at conferences and stuff like that.

That's when I started, the first time I performed at a conference, it was the Concerned United Birth Parents Conference. First time I had ever been to an adoption conference. What is this? They actually have support groups for adoptees and stuff? I was like, well, I'll go check out the conference too. Then I know I performed later that night. So the first panel I sat in on, Nancy Verrier was speaking, who wrote The Primal Wound. Never heard that term. I had nothing.

And she's an adoptive parent, you know. And she wrote this book, The Primal Wound, and was saying these things about adoptees and about identity issues and kind of the chameleon adoptee who is able to go into a room, size it up, and say, okay, this is who I need to be at this point because we wear all these masks because we're trying to fit into a family that is not naturally our tribe, right? And she was saying all these things, and the room started spinning. And I was like,

Oh my, what is happening here? And this little woman next to me, she's a very young mother, birth mother. She kind of put her hand on my shoulder. It's like, is all this hitting home? Is this, are you okay? And I was like, she's talking about me, oh my God. But I remember performing in front of them and being in the room where, you know, 100 plus people are all directly connected to adoption.

And that was a turning point of the play. I felt that energy and I performed it like I hadn't performed it before. I had already done a couple of theater festivals here in LA. And my original run was in Hollywood for weeks. And to be in that room, it was like a whole new play. And then the Q&A after and people saying things, I was like, oh, this is why I wrote that line. This is why I wrote the play. And I was very fortunate to continue.

I knew that at that point, the play took on a life of its own. It became something else. I did have moments like for my LA run, people would come up to me after. I had two mothers for my LA run, let alone other places, tell me. I was the first one they told that they relinquished a child. Wow. So, they had carried that shame.

And then some in the play brought it out to where they felt okay to talk about it. And this is the importance of art, right? When you guys do this podcast and you're putting voices out there along with your own, it helps other people feel that they're not alone. It's okay to feel these spares. We don't need to be, you know, we're not perfect. We're going to have, you know, we wouldn't know happiness if we never experienced, you know, sadness and despair.

You know, and it's okay. You're not alone. We all feel these things. And you know, it's just, we're holding a mirror up to nature and releasing our voices and it can only be healing for the communities. Now, did your mother see the show? She did. Both mothers saw the show. One time, and I do my whole family. Like, you know, I do my mother, my father, my grandparents on both sides. And my whole...

adoptive family was there and my brother and sister were dying throughout the whole thing. And I have this whole, my adoptive mother is a big part of it. She was a smoker and my physicality was always her smoking. She just chain smoked the whole time. And my mother saw the show and after the show she was outside smoking and a gentleman came up to her and said,

And she was like, oh my God, what did I do to you? You have a blank face. My image is like a blank face of my body. It's like, oh my gosh. So she was kind of frightened to see it too. Anyway, I was backstage in the dressing room and I called my stage manager over and I had this whole thing at Kleenex's and I said, hey, there's a woman and her husband sitting in the back, in the corner, house left. Can you give her these Kleenexes? She's like, absolutely. So...

She goes, and I'm in my dressing room, I hear a knock at the door, and my stage manager comes in and she says, she already has her own box. She loved it. Afterwards, I use an alias and I keep her pride because she still carries a lot of stigma and shame and our relationship is a little more complicated now. But that night afterwards, I had introduced her to a few friends, but not as my mother.

I was going to let her do that. And she immediately, oh no, I'm sorry, I didn't introduce her. She introduced herself and said, I'm Beth. And Beth was the name that I use for my birth mother in the play. And that was huge for her. And for me, it was like, oh, it felt so great. Acknowledgement. But I did a run in Kansas City and it was fabulous to be in Kansas City.

But it got a lot of publicity. I was on NPR there, and I was on Front Page of Kansas City Star. And that freaked out my biological family. So my birth mother kind of went into protector mode. And none of them saw the play. And I was so hurt. I was devastated. I mean, I feel I'm honoring my mother in that play. Both my mothers in that play.

I guess they didn't like the publicity, but from that point on, my birth mother kind of just put the ball in my court continuously. And there were some of the things that I said because of me not understanding my emotions to her. She felt I was pushing her away. We adoptees have this, come here, I want you, I want you. Oh wait, stand there, stand there. Come here, come here, I want you. Stand there. And that's kind of how it was. And she saw it as me pushing her away. And she didn't want...

to lose me again. She didn't want to feel like she's just going to lose me again. So she has had me kind of make all the decisions. Me making the phone calls, me planning to see her, me, me. And I asked her why. And she told me that. She said, I just want to, you know, you said things to me like I have my family. I don't need to call you, you know, I don't need my kids to call you grandma or whatever. I don't know. There were these things that...

that she was saying very early on where I was like, oh, wait, how do I deal with that? But it seemed like I was pushing her away. And so, I mean, we still have a relationship. When I call her, we have a great talk. When I go to Kansas City, we try to see her. When my daughters go see her, they call her Grandma Beth, you see, alias. But she just won't call me, and that's kind of exhausting, having the ball in your court the whole time. But I still have her, and I know she loves me. And that's good enough for right now.

But I would like her to call me on my birthday. Right? Right. Mom, if you're listening, you could call me on my birthday. Exactly. Well, that's where we're ending part one with Brian. But part two is available for downloading right now. Brian gave us a lot to ponder, and we always appreciate his and our other guests' courage in sharing their stories. I know I've said this before, but the arts are so important during our formative years. Brian was able to take some adult surprises and learn to heal his trauma through his acting and writing skills.

Not everyone who is passionate about performing or the practical arts ends up making a career of it, but I truly believe that passion for the arts early on informs the rest of our lives. Okay, I won't keep you from hearing the rest of Brian's story, but just remember this, family secrets are the ultimate plot twist.

The Family Twist podcast features original music by Cosmic Afterthoughts, is presented by Savoir Faire Marketing Communications, and is produced by How the Cow Ate the Cabbage LLC.