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Dismayed Draco: Curiosity Gone Wrong - How to Ask for a Raise
Episode 1 • 7th October 2025 • The HR Mediators • Kendra Beseler
00:00:00 00:35:32

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Episode: Dismayed Draco: Curiosity Gone Wrong - How to Ask for a Raise

Link: https://thehrmediators.captivate.fm/episode/dismayed-draco-curiosity-gone-wrong-how-to-ask-for-a-raise

What this episode’s about:

In this episode, we hear from someone we've named, "Dismayed Draco," who accidentally found out he is the lowest-paid employee in his company. Helping Draco navigate his feelings of frustration and underappreciation, we provide a structured framework which we call "RAISES" to help Draco navigate the often nerve wracking process of asking for a raise. We look at this from the viewpoints of conflict resolution, HR, and psychology.

Why listen:

Learn how to ask for a raise!

Key takeaways

  1. We recommend you don't "rage quit" your job without a financial plan
  2. Asking for a raise is a key professional skill
  3. We give you the RAISES framework to develop a strategic plan for how to move forward
  4. Pay transparency laws are complex and there are HR considerations around this topic
  5. Mindset matters - harness the power of cognitive behavioral therapy

Resources & further reading

Reach out for guidance: TheHRManagers@Gmail.com

Website: TheHRMediators.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thehrmediators/

About the show

Workplace conflict is inevitable, but with Karen & Kendra’s mix of HR savvy, mediation experience, psychology insights, and humor, you’ll learn to turn conflict into connection.

Credits & notes

Hosts: Karen Gleason & Kendra Beseler

© 2025 The HR Mediators

Privacy note: These are inspired by real experiences; names/identifying details are modified.

Transcripts

Karen:

Hello and welcome to the HR Mediators Podcast where we navigate workplace conflict one coffee chat at a time. Our goal is to help you build skills to better navigate challenging workplace conflicts with compassion, grace and ease.

I'm Karen, certified HR Professional and Mediator and founder of Common Ground HR.

Kendra:

And I'm Kendra, also a certified HR Professional and Mediator.

Together we bring over 30 years of HR experience and 15 years of mediation practice and we have teamed up to answer your questions around workplace conflict. Grab your coffee and let's get started.

A quick note about the scope of this podcast we are certified Mediators with deep experience in HR and conflict resolution. We are not lawyers, therapists, or licensed counselors. Nothing shared here should be considered professional advice related to any of those fields.

Think of these scenarios as food for thought. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't, and be sure to trust your own judgment.

For anyone new here, we start each episode by reading a scenario inspired by real workplace experiences. To protect privacy, we change all identifying details, adjust timelines, and blend similar accounts.

Workplace conflicts often sound familiar, but any resemblance to specific people or or organizations is purely coincidental.

Karen:

Today's scenario comes from Dismayed Draco, who writes, When I first started the job I'm in now, I had very little experience but I had the basic qualifications for it. I was going through a difficult time in my personal life and the hiring manager was a friend of my parents.

I think my inexperience and desperation for a job was what led me to getting lower starting pay than I should have. Pay raises are rare here. The company was growing, but it slowed down lately and everybody is working hard.

I work very hard and am feeling underpaid and underappreciated. So I started looking for another job but paused that search during the peak season because I care about what we do here.

One day last week I was over by the HR area when I was leaving out the back and I saw a spreadsheet document sitting on the printer oh no. And got curious. So I went over there and had a look. It was a list of pay rates of almost everyone in the company.

Kendra:

Oh my gosh.

Karen:

I already knew that I may make a lot less than the market average for what I do and now I know that I also make less than anyone else in the office. Oh no. I probably should not have looked, huh? But I badly wanted to know and it fully confirmed my hunch.

I can't tell my managers how upset I am because they will know I looked and I could get fired. I can't just leave because I don't have another other job and although I have some savings, it would only cover my basics for maybe four months.

I am angry and I wonder if it would just be best to leave now Anyway. I could give some totally different valid reasons for leaving if they ask. I'm not very comfortable asking for a raise.

I'd rather just focus on updating my resume and cover letter and interview preparation. Okay, interesting.

Kendra:

Well, thank you for reaching out, Draco. Before we continue, we want to invite all of our listeners to briefly pause the podcast and ask yourself some questions.

Would you have looked at the spreadsheet if this was available to you? What do you think the problems are here? What emotions does this bring up for you? Would you ask for a pay rise?

We're going to play some music and we'll be right back with you.

Karen:

We hope you had some good time to ponder on those questions that Kendra brought up and we are ready to chat about this. Shall we?

Kendra:

Let's do it.

Karen:

Karen, this situation came as a surprise to me. That was an interesting story and I've heard a lot of interesting stories. I know you have too.

So this is more of an internal conflict than an external one. But I still think it fits the show's scope because he has a clear financial goal.

He wants to earn more money, and he feels very nervous about initiating that conversation, so much so that he's thinking about just leaving, which is kind of a big deal.

But asking for a raise is probably worth it for him to try because I don't see anything in his description, seeing, you know, that he's struggling in the job or getting bad feedback or anything like that. And so it's just not really clear why he's the lowest paid. Maybe he's one of the few who hasn't actually asked for a raise. So that's possible.

Kendra:

There's this TED Talk by this guy find it and put it in the show notes. But he talks about how he was always afraid of rejection. And so he ended up doing a hundred days.

I think it was a hundred days of back to back things, asking people for things he knew or he thought he knew he would get rejected on. Like he went to a random stranger's house and asked to plant a rose bush in their backyard. And one of and they said yes.

And so he said he was surprised at how often people said yes to the things that he asked for and that helped him have the courage to overcome some of this. So it almost feels like Draco needs to watch that TED Talk.

Karen:

Maybe Gosh, yeah. I do think that he should ask for a raise. Some. Some companies, even with tight budgets, they've got some people who are still well paid.

Kendra:

Definitely.

Karen:

It happens. A smart company really knows that losing an employee and having to backfill can be expensive.

Kendra:

Yeah. The cost of attrition is high.

Karen:

So let's see Any other thoughts about how he might be feeling before we give the short answer here?

Kendra:

Yeah, just quickly. It feels like he's not only feeling underpaid, but underappreciated.

And I'm almost wondering if the feel frustrated about being underpaid is not only related to money, but also related to just an overall lack of feeling appreciated by his management team, by the company. And it also sounds like this is a small company, probably without a lot of formal guidance around pay structure.

Karen:

I think so too.

Kendra:

So it totally makes sense that he needs to ask for it. Especially also because he said that everyone's working longer hours and things have slowed down. So it also sounds like the company's struggling.

So if it's a small company, it's a struggling company and there's the need to feel more appreciated from him. I think all of those things are things that can be navigated through a conversation to ask for more appreciation and. Or more pay.

Karen:

I agree. I definitely agree. And people leave companies for more reasons than just pay. So probably people are.

Some people are probably listening to this right now and saying, you all are crazy. He has the lowest pay. Of course he's upset. Yes, of course he's upset. It is a shock too. It is actually a shock.

But feeling underappreciated is also really a thing too, that. That that drives people to leave companies.

Kendra:

It might be worth also mentioning that I think it's okay to start out with low pay when you're new in career. Like it sounds like Draco is.

Karen:

Yes.

Kendra:

Like you should probably expect that because you're starting out.

But it sounds like now he's been there for a little while and since maybe they don't have that structure around offering automatic pay raises, feels like it's that time that he needs to be then asking.

Karen:

I total, totally agree. This could go better than he thinks it will.

Kendra:

I think so. Yeah. Yeah.

Karen:

For anyone who wants to get right to the point, we have a short answer for you, but we do hope you'll stay because we are going to share our thoughts and opinions from a variety of perspectives. So here's that short answer for you if you have to take off. First off, we encourage Draco to ask for A raise.

He should not assume that his lower pay means he's a low value performer given the state of the company as he describes it. He may just have low pay for other reasons not related to how well he's doing.

Actually, Kendra has an awesome acronym to guide you on how to prepare to ask for a raise and how to have that conversation. So you should definitely stick around for that if you can.

And then we don't recommend him mentioning that he saw the list, although it's a big concerning that someone left the private information out. That's definitely a concern. He probably shouldn't mention when he goes to ask for a raise that he's on the list.

We can also recommend that he focuses on some good self care so that his brain and body can get some breaks from being so intensely stressed out about this, because he is clearly very stressed and that would be good if he can decide what sort of self care will work best for him and try to keep himself healthy physically and mentally during this time.

Kendra:

I think you'll hear that often in our short answer because that self care is so critical to any kind of conflict, be it internal, external, etc.

Karen:

So important on so many levels. Yes.

Kendra:

Well, during our conversation, we're going to start by looking at this from a broad perspective as we dig in, we'll also discuss the situation from a few angles, including conflict resolution, human resources, and psychology, among others. We're bringing our wisdom from our education experience working in Fortune 100 companies, volunteering and running our own business.

Karen:

Thanks, Kendra. We do advise that Jaco asked for a raise, as we just mentioned, unless he truly believes it would cause scrutiny.

Just nothing in his note said anything about that, so seems like he should ask for a raise and really think about avoiding rage quitting unless he has another job lined up. Draco, you're angry, but the realities of walking out are going to show up soon and you don't know how long it'll take to find a job.

So if you can stay, even if you're looking for another job, this could go better than you think. It might actually.

Kendra:

Question for you, Karen. Have you ever rage quit a job?

Karen:

I have not.

Kendra:

I did it one time. You did? I did not know this.

Yeah, I was doing inventory for a company where you would go out at midnight and you would do inventory in like shops to count things and I just hated it.

Karen:

Middle of the night.

Kendra:

Yeah. Like, yeah, okay. And like go to like a jewelry store or a T shirt. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Karen:

Yeah, that makes sense. I hate it. Totally makes Sense to do in the middle of it.

Kendra:

I got there one night and we were supposed to take a two hour drive and I just walked in and I was like, I don't want to do this. And I just threw my shirt on the ground. I was like, I quit this job. But I felt so bad. I've never done it since. So I. I definitely don't recommend it.

Karen:

It wasn't quite the satisfaction that you were hoping for.

Kendra:

I mean, definitely that night, I felt amazing. But then when I didn't have pay for the next two weeks and had to ask my parents for a loan, like, not ideal, you know?

Karen:

Okay.

Kendra:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karen:

There's how you feel.

Kendra:

I.

Karen:

Yeah, there's how you feel in the moment and then reality shows up. Right?

Kendra:

That moment of empowerment and then dismay.

Karen:

Yes, yes. Oh, gosh. If you can, you know, just hang in there for a little bit longer and ask for a raise, we hope that you'll do that.

And by the way, just asking for a raise, a few things to think about how long you've been there. You could talk about that. You could talk about what aspects of the job you're good at and as well as your teamwork and your contributions.

So that's usually just kind of a few thoughts that I have of about asking for a raise. But Kendra has a really good acronym with a more detailed approach. Would you like to talk about that?

Kendra:

Yeah, let's do it.

Karen:

All right.

Kendra:

So I made this acronym for myself to kind of help me approach getting a raise or at least asking for one. They can always say no, but it's the acronym raises R A I S E S. So we'll go through it step by step. The first step is R ready, your strategy.

So be strategic about your timing, tone, approach. If you know that your manager has a really stressful week coming up, probably that's not the time to ask.

You want to make sure they're in a good mood. They have the space and mental capacity to think about it. So make sure you're strategic with your approach. A. Align with their interests.

So you need to understand what matters to your manager and their leader and the company. Make sure that the message that you're giving ties into those priorities. So talk about how you have contributed to what matters to them.

I illustrate with evidence. So align. We had talked about align there with our interest. But then I illustrate that with evidence. So present objective proof.

Talk about your achievements, your metrics, your feedback. If you have the ability to compare yourself to peers who do similar work, maybe for longer Time than you, maybe for shorter time.

How does your performance compare to theirs? Try to take a step back and really assess your work objectively. I know that can be hard, but it's worth it.

And make sure that that data is really clear, really reflects that quality of work. Then S. State your request. So be clear, be direct, tell them what you want. Like, is it a percentage salary increase, is it a new title, et cetera?

E Exhibit professionalism. So you want to be constructive. You want to have a respectful tone, even if the answer is no or it's not an immediate answer.

Just exhibit that professionalism.

And then finally, a negotiation tactic that Karen and I always like to use when we're lead mediations too, is stay silent after you make your request. Pause. Don't bid against yourself. Just give them space to think about it, to respond. Don't feel that silence. It's a critical aspect of negotiation.

So raises just one more time. Are ready your strategy. A align with their interest. I illustrate with evidence. S State your request. E exhibit professionalism and S. Stay silent.

Karen:

I love it and I think so. That exhibit professionalism made me think about rage quitting. And so don't just let it all out emotionally. Right. Because that might.

You might think that that's gonna feel good in the moment, but it's kind of like the rage quit where you're probably. It's not gonna serve you well, and it's probably not going to feel better after the fact either. Yeah.

Kendra:

And this is something we talk about a lot because a lot of the times when you're in these conflicts, you get that tension in your chest or you're feeling triggered and maybe the blood is rushing to your face and you have those, like those amygdala responses is what they're called.

And so in those situations, you really have to take that time, do that self care that we like to mention and really process your feelings, your emotions before you go into these conversations. That's going to be critical or your tone is going to be undercut by your emotions that are seeping through.

Karen:

It's true. And if you go into the conversation and you feel tense, it's okay. But try to do some of that self care.

You want to give your mind and body some calming time in your days or in your evenings. Find a little time so that this isn't taking over all of your brain cells all the time.

It sounds like he's in a constant state of anxiety and getting those periodic breaks by doing something healthy like exercising or maybe even learning some meditation.

Or mindfulness will just help him feel better a little bit, at least physically and mentally, so he can take some of these actions a little bit more efficiently and in a way that will hopefully get him what he's wanting to get.

Kendra:

Yeah, I love that. And I. I did. Okay. So there's a podcast that I love. I'm a huge podcast geek.

Karen:

Me too.

Kendra:

Weird. And here we are.

Karen:

We're glad you're here too.

Kendra:

There's these two sisters that do this podcast on interviewing. And I can't remember the name off the top of my head right now, but I'll find it and I'll put it in the show notes as we do.

Karen:

Awesome.

Kendra:

But they found this, this, this tip so that when you're super nervous about something, if you tense your butt cheeks. Yeah. And then like relax, then it helps you kind of take your mind off of that and relax a little bit.

So that's one that I used, like, in interviews that actually worked well. And then the other one is that when your jaw is tight, it causes that tension into your neck.

And so one tip of meditation that I've learned is when you put your tongue on the roof of your mouth.

Karen:

I've heard that one.

Kendra:

Yes. Your jaw naturally relaxes.

So that's another trick that I use if I'm starting to feel really T sense is just like, touch your tongue to the top of your mouth right behind your teeth.

Karen:

And I'm doing that now. I went like when you were saying that, I just started doing it.

Kendra:

It does. It just like relaxes the jaw, you know, takes out some of that tension, that stress.

Karen:

Yes.

Kendra:

Yeah.

Karen:

Good stuff there. Other thoughts on that. We don't recommend mentioning the pay list. It'll derail the conversation and give it a completely different focus.

Probably one that you won't want.

And then also it's worth mentioning glassdoor.com as well, looking at other salaries to see if there's some comparable salaries in your area or maybe even some of your actual co workers might have posted. They're on there anonymously. But you can see the company. You can see the location. You can see. I think you can see the location.

Kendra:

Job titles.

Karen:

Job title. Yeah, exactly. And people will sometimes post their salaries on there. So it's worth having a look.

Even though this sounds like a smaller company, but that's a good resource too.

Kendra:

Yeah. Even some that have like five people or less still have can have a profile on there. So definitely worth a look.

Another one that a friend of mine, Maribel, shout out to you told me About, I don't know the name. See, I have all these, like, random injections, but I never know that.

You will see this all in the show notes, but there's one that actually has like a little chart, and it's really cool. It shows you, like, where your salary falls compared to other people and which. It sounds like Draco knows in this case.

But it could also be helpful to dig deeper and have some more evidence for that that illustrate with evidence aspect of that raises acronym.

Karen:

Definitely.

And usually we sort of transition into an HR perspective, but I feel like we've kind of already done that because I was going to mention too, about pay. I was thinking of that when I brought up glassdoor.com, i'm like, okay, this is more of a.

This is more of an HR thing and feel like we've kind of switched from the peer conflict resolution approach or perspective. But with pay, when you're looking at data, you want to keep in mind that people in urban areas are typically paying more than in rural areas.

And so if you're looking at, for example, national data and you live in a very rural area, you're going to want to ratchet that down a little bit for what you might expect as well. I don't think that all of the tools available will usually show differences by how long somebody has been doing the work.

So the data can be lumped in with newer people to the job and longer tenured people in the job. And so you got to kind of take some of the data with a grain of salt, depending on how granular they'll let you get with it.

Kendra:

And a lot of the times that's tied to cost of living. And I know there's some calculators out there that show cost of living versus salaries in certain locations.

We'll try to find one of those and drop those into the show notes, too.

Karen:

Oh, that would be so good. Oh, yeah, let's put Glassdoor on there, too. Yeah. A whole list of references. We will have a lot here.

Kendra:

It'll be our dissertation.

Karen:

Oh, my goodness. And also, there's. There's something.

Something called cost of labor, too, which is why it's worth looking at the location where you do the job specifically, because you can actually have two cities that are similar cost of living, but the cost of labor is higher in one and lower in another.

Kendra:

Yeah. So interesting.

Karen:

There's a lot that goes into pay. I love the topic of pay.

Kendra:

It's fascinating. Yeah, it is.

Karen:

There's so much to it. I mean, and that's why, you know, there are people who, who make their whole careers.

There's compensation professionals and some, some folks who might think there's not much to pay might think that those are very leisurely people, but they're in fact quite busy and there's a lot to that. That part of the HR profession, definitely.

Kendra:

While we're talking about pay, can we talk a little bit about the, the privacy aspect of the pay exposure?

Karen:

Yes.

Kendra:

ol. And I think by the end of:

Karen:

And it has helped to reduce pay in equity where there's gender pay gaps, underpayment due to bias, that sort of thing.

Kendra:

People of color.

Karen:

Yeah, exactly.

Kendra:

There's a lot of disparities.

Karen:

Those pay gaps, definitely those ones that are, that are known and that having the pay rages posted with that job post have been really helpful for that.

Kendra:

And then also you can also see government workers and what they make. So that's interesting. Seems like it's more of a cultural thing.

Karen:

You're saying the company could share everybody salaries within the company if they wanted to, they could make a conscious decision to do that.

Kendra:

Yeah.

And there's actually this company, I think they're based out of New York, if I remember correctly, called Sumall, and several years ago they actually did move to do that and they published all of their employee salaries in a spreadsheet to help eliminate pay disparities, which I personally think is super cool. But it's still kind of taboo.

Like a lot of companies really discourage their people from talking about performance reviews and pay and all these things. Right. Because they don't want comparisons done. And so it sounds like at this company the culture is still. Let's not talk about pay.

Karen:

It is. But people do, for sure.

Kendra:

Yeah, yeah.

Karen:

They, they talk about pay far more often than leadership would like to think they do.

Kendra:

Yes.

Karen:

From the HR office, I have heard people complaining about pay because somebody will walk in and say, hey, I was just talking to Bob. He makes more than I do. What's up with that? It happens.

Kendra:

Oh yeah, for sure. Yeah. But we had already said, I think, Karen, you had already said that they. That Draco should not bring this up or share that he, that he saw.

Karen:

The list, saw this.

Kendra:

Yeah, yeah.

Karen:

I mean if he was my, my friend who had, you know, I was talking to. And, and he brought that up. I would, I, I would say he probably shouldn't bring up the list. I don't think they meant to. Yeah, it doesn't.

He, he hasn't said anything about knowing everybody else's pay, you know, just as a matter of regular business. So I don't think it's one of those companies that shares pay.

Kendra:

No. I think it'd be a clm, a career limiting move. One of my favorite terms.

Karen:

I love that term.

Kendra:

You should probably avoid that.

Karen:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe a CLM too. If the. For the person who left it out. I think it's found out who did that.

Kendra:

Great point.

Karen:

I mean, he, so he can, he can ask others about pay at his work if he, you know, if he wants to. That would be, you know, if he wanted to give an example.

Kendra:

Yeah. And then illustrate with evidence.

Karen:

Right, exactly. He could ask a couple co workers.

But he just want to keep it kind of low key and professional with asking about that because some people may be uncomfortable with that.

Kendra:

Yeah.

Karen:

And also he's going to want to be careful not to have it spiral into a big gossipy type of conversation that's distracting people from their work and things like that. That's. That's what employers could potentially act on if there's just a, you know, a big distraction about it.

Kendra:

So if Draco decides to do that, I just. That so many people, especially in the US it just feels like a kind of sensitive topic that people don't often talk about.

It's different over the generations. Like, I know my parents never talk about, like, I don't think I even knew what they made like my entire life.

Karen:

Mine didn't either.

Kendra:

And so. But now it's like a little bit more open. But. So maybe check out those generational differences as you're choosing who to ask.

Karen:

I love that.

Kendra:

Also maybe try to target people that have the same title as you and similar years and role so that you actually have like something to compare to. That's not that paper that you're referencing.

Karen:

Right.

Kendra:

And then watch for body language because if you see people tensing up, like, you do not want to like, ask somebody out to lunch and then be like, oh, hey, how much money do you make? Like, this needs to be a warmup conversation. You need to have some friendship, have some like, camaraderie and then slowly breach the subject.

Because I think there's still, even though it's changed, it's still a lot of tension there around that.

Karen:

Right. We are talking a lot about how he might be able to get some of that information without disclosing that he saw the list.

Kendra:

Yes.

Karen:

But I.

The more I think about this, the more I think he should just go and ask with the guy that you provided and not bring anybody else's pay up at that point. Because I think he could try his luck with that and be very prepared, make a good case for it and see what he gets.

Kendra:

For sure. I, I prefer that approach too. And he can use a glass door like you were talking about and some of those other resources out there.

Karen:

Yes.

Kendra:

So he doesn't have to actually like ask his co workers. Yeah.

Karen:

Because he's probably going to be a little bit extra anxious about the list.

Kendra:

Yeah.

Karen:

Because that was definitely something that was causing some consternation in his note.

Kendra:

Definitely. Yeah.

Karen:

And a word to the HR person in their HR department there. This is obviously a scenario in the past. So any HR people who are listening and who are thinking about what would you do?

As a reminder, you should not plan to write someone up if you hear that they were discussing pay. You'll want to review the allegation carefully before considering discipline because it may be considered protected activity.

Kendra:

Look at your laws.

Karen:

Yes, exactly. And you should not plan to write a policy prohibiting discussions about payments.

Kendra:

Yeah, Great point, Karen.

Karen:

I mean, if I were the HR person for this organization, Draco came in and saying, you know, saying he found out he's being paid lower than some of his co workers.

I would, I would recommend that he goes and talk to his manager and talks about the value he brings to the role and use that, that acronym from Kendra as a guide. And you know, I would tell him, see if he can calm his emotions a little bit before the conversation and keep calm and ask for the raise.

Kendra:

Yeah. You can do it, Draco. We believe in you. Yes. So it sounds like we're pivoting to psych. What do you think?

Karen:

Let's do that. So I think this is really not a typical scenario. First of all, it's rare to accidentally discover everyone's pay.

Kendra:

Yes.

Karen:

And it's also uncommon to actually be the lowest paid person, even if he might feel underpaid statistically.

Kendra:

Yeah.

Karen:

I think a lot more people feel underpaid than are actually the lowest paid.

Kendra:

Right. It's like that, that statistic that the average person feels like they're better than the average driver.

Karen:

The driver think. I love that. Everybody feels like a phenomenal driver.

Kendra:

Right.

Karen:

But that's not how averages work.

Kendra:

Yeah, exactly.

Karen:

That's a great point. I love that there's also. I was going to bring up a study too, about, about disclosing pay to employees.

There's actually a cool study and I'll put it in the notes about overall productivity increasing. So there's a lot of complexity, though, to this study. I will say that.

Okay, but so, because reactions can really vary to hearing other people' pay, including, you know, feeling shock or upset, especially, especially if they're unaware of their peers and they're, they're in their full performance context, because we don't know. Even if we sit side by side with somebody, there's aren't. There's not a lot of jobs where we've got really good data sets to look at.

Kendra:

Some of them do.

Karen:

Call center.

Kendra:

Call center is a good one.

Karen:

Yeah. I mean, if the data is open for how many.

You know, if anybody can look and see how many calls that person take, especially if there's a complexity to the incoming calls. And also. But they might not see their survey results, for example. So if that's factored in as performance.

And I know that some companies specifically do not factor in survey results. Some, some are very careful about having that be something that drives, you know, like a pay for performance strategy.

But those are examples of how you might see, you know, your, your, your peer next to you sitting and doing the same work and say, oh, he's taking the same amount. But there's factors that not everybody is aware of. So.

Kendra:

Yeah. Side projects or other things too.

Karen:

Side projects, yeah, exactly. So you, you don't always know the whole picture for your peers.

And that's something that can have people a little bit more unhappy about their pay if it's the same as. Or if, you know, if they're getting less than that person.

Kendra:

So.

Karen:

Yeah, but good study. I'll put that in the notes.

So I thought that was a super interesting one to read because there's just not a lot out there for research on that particular topic.

Kendra:

Interesting. Yeah, I think too. So from a psychological perspective, one thing that came to mind to me is that Draco is saying he is afraid of asking for a raise.

And I think that that is a mindset. And so I would challenge Draco. I mean, he has like the acronym and he has the tools, but a lot of it is going to depend how he thinks about it.

And if he goes in assuming that he's not going to get a raise and assuming that he can't ask for a raise, then that conversation is going to go completely differently. If you've done any sort of therapy.

Maybe you've heard the term cognitive behavioral therapy, which essentially is saying, like, how you think affects how you feel, which influences how you act. And so by changing some of those unhelpful thoughts that you have, then you can change your behaviors and change your emotions or vice versa.

And so this is commonly used in and like emotional therapy that people do. But I think it's also really relevant here because I think what Draco really needs to start by doing is just changing that perspective.

Like maybe he's starting by thinking, well, if I ask for a raise, they'll think I'm greedy. But by challenging that and asking like, what evidence actually supports that thought?

Like, have others asked successfully, how do other people get raises? Maybe instead he could think, well, asking for fair pay is a normal professional conversation.

By changing just that one thought, then it might help him have the courage and hopefulness to begin to prepare and actually have that conversation. What's the worst thing that can happen?

I mean, you're already considering leaving anyway, so they say no and you continue to look for a job, which as an aside, we would again highly recommend not rage quitting, but like it's perfectly fine if you want to start looking for a new job simultaneously.

But don't let your fear of asking for a raise make you leave because you're new in career Draco, and this is something that you're going to have with you for the rest of your life. Not every company does automatic raises, so there are going to be situations where you're gonna have to ask.

And so by learning this early and getting practice in while it's still rather low risk, I think you have a lot more opportunity to be successful in the future.

Karen:

I agree. And can I reflect for just a moment here about he's got four months of savings.

Kendra:

Yeah. That is impressive. Yeah.

Karen:

So good. Yeah, that's. I mean, with a four month emergency fund, Draco, you are doing better than a lot of people.

A lot of people live paycheck to paycheck and saving money. It, it's focus, it's willpower, it's strength. And I hope that you can find the strength to ask for a raise. That would be great.

And if you were to stay around while you do look for another job, if you, you know, ask for a raise and they say no, or you know, it's little raise or something like that, if you're staying around while you look for another job, you're getting that paycheck, still keep saving money. And if you can get that emergency fund up to about six to eight months. That's to going. Gonna. That's gonna be even better for you.

Cuz having a savings account with money in it gives you options. And you'll feel like you're in a more powerful position because of those options.

And it just might be helpful if you stick around and do a job search while you remain at your job. Yeah, definitely. Kudos on having some savings. Keep it up. It definitely gives you a sense of power that you wouldn't have without that.

Kendra:

Yeah.

Karen:

So it gives you options, the courage.

Kendra:

To take risks you might not otherwise. Otherwise take.

Karen:

Exactly, exactly. And I think I've heard you call this the FU fund.

Kendra:

Oh, yeah. Yes, I have.

Karen:

I also call it the mental health fund.

Kendra:

That's much more professional.

Karen:

I think whatever anybody wants to call it is totally fine. But I think it's also worth remembering that some stuff happens, right? I mean, life happens. And if for some reason the company were to.

To go, you know, belly up tomorrow, would you have money, you know, to pay for your basics so that you're not really in a bind?

Kendra:

Well, thanks for those thoughts, Karen. Anything else before we close it out?

Karen:

No, let's do it. All right, so we do a summary for you here. Draco felt like he was underpaid. He's in a company where raises are rare and there's a lot of work.

Everybody's working really hard. He did not negotiate his pay when he originally got the job offer.

And he feels like the company may have given him a low offer, though, because he was kind of desperate for a job at the time and because he was so new to the field. His suspicions were confirmed one day when he actually saw a list of everyone's pay.

Now he wants to walk out, but he doesn't have another job lined up. And Draco is worried that if he stays, he's just going to be angry at work and angry with himself. We recommend that he asked for a raise.

He might be low paid simply because he hasn't asked. He should reflect a bit on why this is bothering him so much.

Not because he's wrong to be bothered about it, but it will help him understand his emotions around feeling underappreciated. And he can also ask for a bit more feedback and recognition of the work that he's doing.

That might be something he could do along with asking for a raise.

And we hope Draco will push through the discomfort around this feeling that he's underappreciated enough so that he can organize his thoughts and calmly ask for a raise, he might be more valued than he's aware of and starting this conversation could actually get him on a career development path at the company.

Company, as in most of these situations, we recommend a healthy focus on self care to help him as he gathers up his strength to take the actions which may help him get some more money and appreciation as well as to help him as he hopefully stays in his job for a while. If they tell him no, then he's going to be able to stay there and keep saving and keep having that good self care.

Draco we hope that this chat gives you some ideas to use the next time you encounter conflict at once work.

Kendra:

All the resources we referenced in the podcast can be found in the show Notes. Please let us know your thoughts, ideas and questions.

Also, if you'd like to hear our thoughts about a workplace conflict scenario that you're facing, reach out to us and we might include it on the podcast. We want to hear from you. Check out our website at thehrmediators.com or email us at thehrmediatorsmail.com thanks for joining us on the HR Mediators.

Stay curious, stay kind, and stay brave. You've got this and we'll see you next time.

Karen:

Time.

Kendra:

It.

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