As we kick off the new school year, I’ve been thinking back on our journey so far with unschooling, aka self-directed education, aka child-led learning. Call it what you want, but at its core, it’s a style that gives kids a lot of say in what they’re learning and how they’re learning it.

We’re about three and a half years in now, and in this episode, I reflect on what this path has looked like for our family — from when we first began, when my son was sick and then newly diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, through seasons of PDA autistic burnout, and to now, where my kids are slowly moving out of burnout and beginning to engage more with the world again.

It hasn’t been all smooth sailing (at all!) There have been plenty of messy, hard moments. AND I’m deeply grateful for the many different education options out there that have helped my kids learn in ways that work for them.

In this episode, I share:

• What unschooling has looked like for us after 3+ years
• How my kids have learned through deep interests like Minecraft and LEGO
• Exploring academic subjects in an unschool-y way (on their timeline, at their pace)
• What it’s been like to try in-person schooling again with lots of accommodations

If you’re curious about unschooling, exploring alternative schooling options for your neurodivergent kiddo, or if you’re like I was a few years ago — trying to help a child who struggled in both public school and traditional homeschooling — this one’s for you.

xx, Megan

RESOURCES:

• Full show notes: maybethiswillbethecure.com/blog/unschooling-reflections

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DISCLAIMER

The information shared in this podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Consult your physician before making any changes to your health plan. The host, Megan, is not a healthcare provider. Always seek guidance from a qualified health professional for your individual needs.

Welcome to maybe this Will Be the Cure, a podcast where the wisdom of a healing journey meets the warmth of shared experiences.

Join as we explore the topics of healing, living with chronic conditions, chronic pain, neurodiversity, mental health, and parenting kids with disabilities.

I'm your host, Megan.

As we kick off this new school year, I've been thinking back on our journey with unschooling. You can also call it self directed education,

child led learning. It has a lot of different names, but essentially the idea being that kids have a lot of say in what they're learning and in their education.

And the way it even got started was so before my son was hospitalized in DKA and diagnosed with type 1 diabetes,

before we knew what was going on,

he was having symptoms of fatigue and moodiness. And now I know that those are symptoms of type 1 diabetes.

But at the time we didn't know what was going on. And he's neurodivergent, so he did have some of those challenges. Before, it just had gotten to an even more extreme level.

And at the time we were homeschooling with the curriculum and it had always been a challenge. And now that I know that my, my boys are both autistic with a PDA profile, it makes sense why using a set curriculum was so challenging.

But you know, we didn't have that information at the time. So we were just trying our best. There was a lot of resistance.

But then when my son started to have those symptoms of fatigue and moodiness, homeschooling was just becoming impossible.

Just so much resistance,

low energy,

just crazy moods. It just was so hard.

And so it was around this time that I started learning about unschooling or child led learning again. The idea being that you're following your child's interests and letting that and their, like, their desires lead the way rather than trying to follow,

you know, strict standards.

And, you know, we have this idea that there are specific things that everybody needs to know based on the school curriculums or like the state guidelines.

But at some point someone came up with those standards and that, you know,

was somebody or a group of people's idea of what's most important. But there's a lot of things to know in this world. And depending on what you end up doing in life and, you know, your career, what you do for education,

there are different things that each people, each person wants to know or needs to know.

And the fact is even if you are taught all those things, all of the state standards or the things that we've decided that everyone should know, they don't always stick.

People tend to learn best if like when they're ready for that information,

when they're interested, when they want to know that information. There's a reason why they're trying to gain that interest,

that information.

They have a curiosity or, or through play.

And so unschooling is based on the premise that learning happens in lots of ways. It doesn't have to be in a sequential logical format to be effective.

And it really leans into the person's interest and readiness and desires.

And I had first come across this from other moms sharing their experiences. A few examples are standing out to me.

So first I think I heard it from Iris Chen of Untiggering.

She is Asian American and once was a self proclaimed tiger mom.

And she has this blog where she documents her experiences with untigering. That's her term.

And her. She had blog posts about self directed education and that experience with her kids.

And it just started to just crack my brain open. I was just like that's so interesting.

Just following her kids interests and their desires and supporting them. Learning what they wanted to learn versus determining what you want to teach them. And starting from that place you're taking into account what they want to learn.

Not that the parent doesn't have any say because you can,

you know, certainly offer things to your child but it is just trusting that your child is, is hardwired to learn, that they want to learn and following their natural curiosity and their natural interests and desires.

I also came across Francesca Libertor. I don't, I might be saying that wrong. She used to have a different handle. I can't remember something about unschooling but she talks a lot about children's rights,

consent, child led education.

And it was just, she was just presenting these ideas that was so interesting to me that I just hadn't considered. You know, sometimes when you hear like something totally new, I just was just eating it all up because it was so different than how I had thought about education.

And then I also came across Sue Patterson of Unschooling mom to mom and she was an unschooling mom that had done it for years and at, you know, her kids are all grown now and living good lives and have careers and you know, just that example of seeing adults that had gone through that style of education and were able to be successful,

you know, thriving adults, even with this alternative form of education was super interesting to me.

And it was in following those women that I actually started to hear about pda. I hadn't really heard heard about it much before,

but unschooling is very common in PDA spaces because with PDA brains,

their threat response is activated anytime there is a demand,

internal or external demand,

or if there's any perceived loss of equality or autonomy. And when you think of traditional school settings,

I mean, it's demands all day.

And it's also,

there's a teacher that's above you,

that is the authority. And so it's constantly a threat to their nervous systems. And so a lot of times traditional school settings end up not working very well for these kids.

And so, you know, in talking about unschooling, it's very common to talk about these neurodivergent kids for whom traditional schooling options or even traditional homeschooling options were not working well.

And so I started to hear about PDA and I just felt that little pull to like learn more. And I'm glad I went down the rabbit hole and started learning about it and accepting the possibility that my kids were likely autistic and pda.

And I learned more from other moms like Casey with At Peace parents, Chris, Christy Forbes, Amanda Dyckman from Load of Man Amanda and just started learning a lot about neurodivergent brains and seeing how that impacts my kids and how they learn and their nervous systems and then learning about the type of learning and education that tends to work better for those kids.

And unschooling was one of those options.

Like I said, with unschooling or self directed education,

the child has a lot of say in their education,

that their education is tailored to their interests and desires. Adults trust that children are hardwired to learn, that they're learning all the time.

And instead of playing the teacher role,

parents play more of a supporting role. They're identifying what the children are interested in, what they want to learn, and then helping them access that.

And then they also strew other topics,

ideas or activities to expand their child's learning. But in a consensual way, it's more. You're providing offerings that the child can choose to engage with or not.

I know it sounds totally hippie,

but. But as we've gone on this journey for the past three years, I've been so amazed to see what my kids have learned and picked up on without direct instruction.

And you know, as I was learning about unschooling. I what I was really interested in is like, okay, but what's the results? Like what does it look like when someone that's been homeschooling, unschooled or done self directed education?

Like,

what's the future like? Obviously.

So I started reading stories of adults and any research that we had about,

you know, people that had been unschooled,

and I was amazed at the stories that I read. And I'm not saying that all of them are positive, like a hundred percent positive, because there's some like less intentional unschooling, more just leaving kids to their own devices.

But there was a lot of kids who did have that support. And it was an intentional choice of allowing the child to direct their education and of parents stepping into that supporting role.

And I was amazed to hear that even without strict curriculums or hours of specific subjects, these children still learned.

Some went to college,

they grew up to have careers.

I was especially fascinated by this one story.

So this man had been, you know, he had done public school or some kind of a traditional schooling for the first few years and then was pulled out to unschool.

And so he had no formal math education from second grade on.

And when he was, you know, I think 18 or a young adult, he decided that he wanted to go to community college of his own choice and volition. And so,

you know, there was like the math entrance exams and so he had to prepare for those.

It was some kind of like math placement test. Anyways, in preparing for that test,

he basically caught up from second grade to college in a matter of a few months.

And that just totally blew my mind because when you think of how many hours we spend trying to teach kids math, and this man, when he was finally ready and wanting to learn it for his own reasons, he had,

you know, an inner motivation to learn it. He was able to learn all that information in a few short months. And I'm not saying that that's the case for everyone.

And obviously some people need definitely more support. I don't think that I would have caught up on math. That wasn't my strongest subject in just a few months on my own.

But it just is amazing to me to see that when people are interested, when they have their own motivations of why they want to learn something,

it just,

you know, they can learn so much faster. It just like condenses that time and it makes it easier to learn those things.

And I just want to pause really quick. I hope as I'm talking about this it doesn't sound like I'm saying that unschooling's the way for everybody. I'm totally not saying that.

I'm a very, you know,

everybody has different needs and different things work for different people. And so I'm not a one size fits all kind of girl.

But it just. As I was exploring this other option that I had, like, really not ever,

I had maybe heard about it, but not really dove into it or didn't know much about it. I was just really amazed.

And then it was also around this time that I heard about deschooling. And so a lot of home educators will talk about the importance of deschooling after your child has been in school and then brought home to homeschool.

Deschooling is a period of time where you don't do any formal education.

You could still do things like going to museums or reading books, going to the library. But the idea is you're not following a set curriculum. You're not trying to teach.

You are just trying to reignite your child's love of learning and see what they're interested in and get a sense for the things that they might want to learn.

And this is especially important if the kid had any kind of trauma at school.

And there's no set time, but it's typically recommended one month of deschooling for every year the kid was in school. School or even doing a more rigid type of homeschooling.

So for us, we had done almost a year of kindergarten in a public school,

and then we had been homeschooling for a few years,

and our public school experience was definitely traumatic.

Hours, long panic attacks, every day, meltdowns after school, so many tough situations with the teachers.

And,

you know, it just was a lot. And when we pulled him out of school to homeschool, I just jumped right into homeschooling with a curriculum. And it was like classical, and it just really wasn't a good fit.

And so even homeschooling was a challenge. And now that I know how his brain works, like the way I was doing homeschool was totally not a good fit for his brain.

But I didn't know at the time. And so even that was kind of challenging.

A lot of struggle and frustration on both ends.

I was so worried about them falling behind because I.

I never had thought of myself as homeschooling my kids. That was never, ever my plan.

And so I just kept thinking like, this is just a short term solution.

And I just imagine we'd eventually put them back into school. So I just was so worried about making sure that they were staying at the same level as their peers, because if I put them back in, I wanted them to be around the same level as the other kids.

And so it was just a lot of me pushing and a lot of resistance on the other end and just tons of frustration.

And so, you know,

as my son's symptoms were getting worse,

you know, before we knew what was going on, and as I was learning about unschooling and PDA and deschooling, I decided that we needed to deschool. And so I, you know, based on how much schooling we had done so far,

I decided we're going to deschool for about three to four months.

I'd finally, at this point, kind of leaned in that I don't know if my kids will go back into a traditional school setting. And so I'm going to give myself the permission to go at our own pace.

What they need.

And so, you know, talked about deschooling for a few months, and then it was going to be summer, and. And so I was like, we'll take the summer off too, and then we'll start fresh in the new year.

Well, it was during that time that my son was hospitalized,

diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.

Then we moved, and both my boys plunged into autistic burnout.

And in burnout, they really had no capacity for any type of formal education at all.

I think they still were learning in their own ways, and we tried to support that, but their capacity for literally anything was tiny. We waffled between meltdowns and shutdowns for years.

It was harrowing and terrible.

So to support their nervous systems and their healing,

we really, you know, we had lean. I did a whole episode talking about how we supported them in burnout, but from a education or learning standpoint, we really leaned into their interests and supported their interests.

So they both love Minecraft, so we dove in. Lots of Minecraft building and modding and YouTube videos about Minecraft,

and online gaming was one of the only social activities that they could tolerate. So we leaned into that. And, you know, this is coming from a mom that used to be really strict about screens and gaming, and I wouldn't let them game with friends when they came over.

I was really intent about screen free play. I was really big on that, and so that was a big shift for me.

And then my youngest is obsessed with Lego, so we leaned in hard to Lego. His room is basically a mini Lego museum. We've just built so many LEGO sets over the past few years,

that was one of the only ways we could get them out of the house for a while was going to the LEGO store or to Target to look at LEGO sets and those things might look like just play.

Minecraft and Lego. And they are play,

but they also are great learning tools.

And you know, as we dove into those interests,

they learned a ton of skills. You know, with Minecraft and Lego, there's spatial reasoning, physics, coding, technology,

engineering skills, math.

And they also touch on other subjects. Like it was a jumping off point for us to, you know, get into science and social studies and even touching on reading and writing.

We got books about Minecraft, books about Legos. We, you know, they would write stories in Minecraft to their friends.

So when that was all they could access, we just supported their learning in that way.

And with unschooling, of course they're going to be more advanced in some topics, you know, the ones that they're interested in.

And they might also be way behind in other subjects compared to their peers. So a big part of unschooling as a parent is accepting that they're not following the traditional path.

They're not going to be at the same level as their peers in certain subjects. You know, for example,

you know, one of my kids is in fourth grade and he is amazing at building with red students in Minecraft and Redstone functions like electrical wires and switches. It powers devices and creates complex contraptions in the game.

And it's a fun way to learn fundamental engineering concepts and computer science like digital logic circuit design and the practical application of, I think it's called like the Land Boolean algebra.

It's like, you know, the zeros and ones that's used with like computer science.

Anyways, these are like advanced topics that he's getting really good at and learning.

But from a reading standpoint, he's probably at a first grade reading level and he's likely just has dyslexia and dysgraphia. So that's part of it. But I've had to accept that my kids are advanced in some ways and behind in others, and that's okay.

My other kid is an incredible graphic designer artist. Like he just is, has always been good at computers and is really learning. He's just learning digital art on his own and learning to illustrate.

I do graphic design for my job as a part of my job. I'm in marketing, digital marketing, web design, graphic design. Anyways, and so I have those tools and I've just showed him those tools and he has just taken off with it.

And I would say he's advanced for his age in those particular skills. Skills, and those are very marketable skills,

but things like math. He is not at grade level for math. And so a lot of the work for me has been accepting that in those traditional academic subjects, my kids are behind,

but they're excelling at some of these other subjects that they're really interested in.

As my kids have come out of burnout and are starting to expand and widen their interests and the things that they want to do,

they have started to express interest in traditional academics.

So this is the first time in a couple years that we've really tried to start, you know, exploring traditional academics.

So one of my kids has expressed a desire to get better at reading. So we got tons of reading games,

posters, flashcards,

and then we're trying out this little workbook. And we've been working through it at a very slow, manageable pace, but it's going well. It was, you know, what he wanted.

He chose it, his idea,

wanted to get better at that, improve those skills. And so he's been shown up and working on it.

Both of my kids have expressed wanting to get better at math.

So, you know, with the help of our neuropsychologist, we found this, or she introduced us to this online math game called Prodigy.

And so they've been playing that,

and not in a rigid way. It's not like they hop on every day. But we got it set up for them, and we,

you know, bring it up like, hey, do you want to work on Prodigy Day? I'm available to sit with you.

And so we suggest, and we follow their lead and follow what they want to do. And it's cool. It Prodigy, it reminds me kind of like Pokemon. They have these little characters that they collect.

They do battles,

and then throughout the game, they're also solving, like, math problems.

So,

yeah, it's been cool.

As we've explored these academic subjects in a more sequential way with the workbook or, you know, the specific online math game,

I've been really impressed at what they've picked up on in the past years. Without formal education, without a curriculum,

it is amazing to watch them walk through math problems in their own unique way.

It's totally different to how I was taught or how I would come to the answer, but we'll both get to the same answer. And they just did it in their own way based on the things that they've just picked up on in the past few years.

Of course,

there are Gaps,

you know, one big gap that we're finding is like oh, fraction. So I got, you know, a fraction game, pulled that out so they can start being exposed to that and then continue to use their own way of coming to answers.

But at least having that fundamental piece or oh, multiplication is a lot easier if you just have it memorized. So printing out posters so they can start to memorize those multiplication facts to make the math problems easier in Prodigy.

But with any type of schooling there are gaps. And so I'm, you know, really doing the work to accept that their childhood and their education is going to look different,

especially because of their unique brains.

And I'm starting to relax into this non sequential way of learning that suits them.

Also this year my son had a goal to try in person school again. And this is the first time in years.

And he really wanted to have this experience,

you know, like other kids but, but recognizing that with his disabilities,

doing the traditional everyday school is a lot and pretty hard on his nervous system. So we found a part time option and it has really fun classes and the entire school has been so great about all the accommodations that we have asked for and that we've needed.

And I'm so grateful. And literally like before when we were looking for a school option, we had wrote out a list of the things that we wanted. I wrote out the things that I thought was be that as my son wrote out the things that he wanted, it was,

I was just so grateful that we found something that pretty much checks all the boxes. It just is amazing.

And even with that, with all the accommodations, with the supports, with the school, that totally fits in so many ways, it is still hard and we've had lots of panic attacks and we're working through it.

But what's been so fascinating to me is even after a hard long day, we get home and my son's not completely dysregulated.

He is like calm and fine and enjoyed the day even though it was really hard and really takes a lot of his energy.

And he does need like the weekend to recover. But it's just been amazing to see.

And he's been talking lately about this feeling that he hasn't had since we were living in Nevada before burnout.

And I just love hearing that.

I love that he's getting to interact with other kids in person even though it is hard and it's definitely a challenge.

And I've just been so impressed at the other kids.

They're just so kind to each other and go out of their way to Be inclusive. And it's just really sweet.

And the people that have the, you know, the organizers of the school, the people, the founders of the school, they've been so amazing and understanding and just have gone above and beyond on to make this a success for my son.

And I am so, so grateful. It's been really interesting to observe my son interacting with the different teaching styles. Each teacher has very different style,

and because there's a different teacher for each class. And it's interesting to see how some, he responds to a lot easier than others. Like, some of the teaching styles are just so easy for him, and he can, like, relax.

And some of them is definitely more of a challenge. I'm noticing, you know, one teacher is just like a couple of the teachers, just very, very chill, very relaxed,

can handle the noise and busy bodies and just roll with it and laugh.

And some of the other teachers, you know, they're trying to get a lot done in that class, period. And so they really want everyone focused and listening. And so it's interesting seeing how my son responds differently to those different teaching styles and how some are better suited for him than others.

So we're working through that. And then, you know, the sensory challenges of school, we're working through that and the social challenges.

Anyways,

I'm kind of all over the place, but just as I've been looking back,

I just think of myself,

like, years ago that didn't know what kind of options there were out there.

And so I just want to give hope to other families like ours that are struggling traditional schooling options or even homeschooling or if your kid is in burnout. I just want to give hope.

Now that we're a few years into this very untraditional style of learning, there's so many options out there that can,

you know, support your kids learning,

even if it looks a little different. And also, like I'm saying, it's not perfect. There are definitely flaws with this method that we've chose.

And so I'm not saying it's all perfect. I've, you know, hopefully you're hearing throughout this episode that there are pros and cons and challenges to navigate with every option.

But I'm just really grateful to have come across different options to support my kids learning when traditional options weren't accessible to them.

And I've just been thinking, you know, in homeschooling groups, you'll often run into kids that struggled with traditional schooling options. And one kid that we met was talking about all the different schools they had gone to and literally rattled off like 10 different schools.

And my heart just broke a little inside because this is a kid that does not fit the mold.

And you can tell right away that that kid would definitely have a hard time. In a traditional schooling option.

Sitting quiet and following directions is definitely a challenge,

but this kid is so hilarious and creative and artistic and just such a light and there's so much potential even with those skills.

And sometimes, you know, neurodivergent kids, when in a traditional school setting can pick up some of these yucky labels. And I'm not saying in all traditional school settings, some of them are great and so accommodating and just wonderful and really see,

you know, the light in these kids. So I, I'm not trying to do a broad brushstroke, but I just,

I'm so grateful for alternative options like unschooling or like this part time enrichment program that see these kids brilliance and foster it and allow these kids to keep their unique light shining bright and leaning into their interests and their desires and you know, supporting their learning in a way that works for them.

So I hope that gives somebody out there that was like me a few years ago a little bit of hope. And thanks for being here and for letting me talk your ear off.

Thanks for joining us today. Where dreams are nurtured, challenges are met with resilience, and every tiny step forward is a victory hit. Subscribe so you can easily find new episodes and join this community because maybe this will be the cure.