Peace shouldn’t come at the cost of your truth.

In this episode of Notes to Her, Yaya dives into the confidence-draining habit so many women carry, silencing themselves to avoid conflict, keep the peace, and stay “likable.”

But real peace requires honesty.

In this episode:

1. What self-betrayal sounds like in everyday moments
2. A powerful coaching story that might feel way too familiar
3. 5 reasons women stay silent (and how to break the pattern)
4. Real scripts to help you start speaking your truth
5. Why self-love has a voice and why it’s time to use yours

Her Era: The Self-Love Reset is happening February 23-27. A free 5-day experience to help you stop shrinking, start choosing yourself, and rebuild your self-worth from the inside out. Learn more here.

Hey, girl.

Hey.

Welcome back to Notes to heart, the daily pep talk.

I'm Yaya, your confidence and mindset coach, here to remind you of who you really are.

Not the watered down version that you've learned to perform for the world.

And today's note.

Ooh.

It's one of those ones that might sting a little bit, but I promise you, it is for your good.

It's for the woman who knows how to hold her tongue, who smiles when she wants to scream, who keeps the peace on the outside, but she's crumbling on the inside.

Because somewhere along the way, she's learned that staying quiet was safer than being honest.

That being easy to love meant being easy to overlook.

But self love doesn't sound like silence.

Soft love has a voice.

And that voice is yours.

Now let's start with some truth.

Most women, especially high achieving, high capacity women, have been socialized to be easy.

Easy to talk to, easy to work with, easy to date, easy to overlook.

So we shrink.

We tiptoe, we bat our tongues.

We don't correct the mispronunciation.

We say it's fine when it's not fine.

And over time, that silence doesn't feel strong.

It feels suffocating.

You leave conversations feeling drained.

You rehearse what you should have said in the shower the next day.

You become resentful, not just because of them, but of yourself.

Because deep down, you knew better, but you didn't feel like you had the permission to say it.

Now let's call it what it is.

Swallowing your truth to keep the peace is a form of self betrayal.

I hate to say it, but you know I'm always gonna be real with you.

It looks like nodding in agreement when your gut says nope.

Saying yes to help when you don't have the capacity, smiling when somebody crosses a boundary, and apologizing when you're the one who's been hurt.

But you know what that does?

It chips away at your self trust.

Because every time you override your truth, your nervous system clocks it.

Your body knows when you abandon yourself.

And your confidence.

Ooh.

Your confidence takes a hit.

That's why you feel drained after social interactions, why you question yourself after meetings, why you feel like you're doing all the things but something still feels off because you keep choosing peace for them.

At war with you.

Now let me bring this back to life with, like, a real life coaching story.

So I worked with a woman named Tasha.

Tasha was a boss on paper, high role, respected, calm, collected.

But one day in a session, she blurted out, I Feel like I'm disappearing in my own life.

That line hit me in the chest.

And when we dug deeper, we found the pattern.

She was performing peace in meetings.

She wouldn't speak up when people took credit for her ideas.

In friendship, she let things slide that actually hurt her.

In family dynamics, she kept a cool face even when boundaries were being violated.

And when I asked her, why don't you speak up?

She said, because I don't want to come off angry or emotional or difficult.

Listen, that's not just a personal fear.

That is a generational pattern, a cultural one, a trauma response.

So we worked on it, little by little.

She started small, saying that actually didn't sit well with me, or I need a minute to think before responding.

And.

And I'd rather not commit to that right now.

At first, she was nervous when she said it, but she still said it.

And over time, her confidence returned.

Not because she was louder, but because she was honest.

That's the difference.

Now, there's a few reasons why women stay quiet.

So I want to name them.

The first one being the fear of being labeled.

I think we've all felt this at one time.

Being labeled too much.

Difficult, aggressive.

We've heard it all, especially if you are a woman of color.

And so silence becomes survival.

Then there's fear of conflict.

Some of us grew up around yelling, chaos and drama.

So now we avoid anything that feels remotely confrontational.

And then there's a fear of abandonment.

You think if I speak my truth, they'll leave.

But let's flip that.

If you don't speak your truth, you're the one leaving you.

And you deserve better than that.

You deserve to live with integrity in yourself.

To let your yes mean yes and your no mean no.

To stop gaslighting yourself for other people's comfort.

Now let me say this.

I will make this very clear.

Your voice is is not the problem.

The world just hasn't learned how to receive women who use theirs fully.

That doesn't mean that you silence it.

It means that you strengthen it.

Because when you speak your truth, you start building self trust.

You stop people pleasing by default.

You get clear on who belongs in your space.

You stop carrying resentment.

Because resentment is often just the weight of everything you didn't say.

So speak.

Even if your voice shakes, even if your heart races, even if you're afraid of how they'll react, their reaction is not your responsibility.

Your integrity is.

So you don't have to become a boundary boss overnight.

Trust me, it didn't happen for me that way.

It took some time, but here's how you can begin gently but clearly.

First, use eye language.

Say something like I feel uncomfortable when or I need this centers your truth instead of blaming.

Then you can set the tone, not fire.

Your voice can be steady and powerful, but it doesn't need to be harsh to be heard.

And then don't over explain.

Your truth does not need a full essay.

I know sometimes that is hard because you want to over explain and tell all the reasons.

But practice saying it without four disclaimers and a backstory and then write it first.

If it feels hard to say, write it down.

Then say it to a mirror.

Then say it to a safe friend so you learn how to build that muscle and use grounding statements.

Try this matters to me.

I don't feel comfortable with that.

I need to be honest with you.

That doesn't work for me.

I hear you, but I feel differently.

Remember, you are not being mean, you are being clear.

And clarity is one of the kindest things that you can offer to yourself and to others.

So remember this.

Today, Self love is speaking up.

Not just when it's convenient, but when it's hard.

When your inner child is shaking, when the old you wants to hide.

Because that's where healing happens.

When your voice catches up to your value, you don't have to keep disappearing in rooms where you want to be seen.

You don't have to keep abandoning yourself to avoid discomfort.

You can be honest.

You can be clear.

You can be you out loud.

And if you are ready to start practicing self love out loud to stop shrinking and finally speak your truth, I want to invite you to her era.

The Self Love Reset Challenge.

It is a five day free challenge designed to help you rebuild your relationship with yourself through truth telling, through boundary setting and daily reminders that you are worth more than the piece you prefer.

This isn't about becoming somebody new.

It is about coming home to the woman you've always been.

Underneath the silence.

The challenge kicks off soon and I want you there.

Details are going to be in the show notes, so until next time, use your voice.

Choose your truth, protect your peace, but not at the cost of yourself.

You've got this, Sam.