Welcome to the Life, Loss and Motherhood Podcast. We cover all things loss(pregnancy, baby, identity) womanhood, motherhood, mental health, mindset, life after loss, finding hope and purpose-- literally everything.

Today's Episode

In this heartfelt conversation, Vallen and Halaina reconnect and reflect on their journey into motherhood, discussing the unexpected challenges and joys they faced along the way. They share personal stories about their pregnancies, the realities of parenting, and the importance of support systems. The conversation highlights the emotional toll of motherhood, the significance of open communication with children, and the evolution of their friendships over the years. They also offer valuable advice for new moms, emphasizing the need for self-care and understanding that parenting is a learning process.

takeaways

• Motherhood can be surprising and unexpected.
• Pregnancy brings emotional and physical challenges.
• Support systems are crucial for new moms.
• Every child is unique and requires individual attention.
• Open communication with children is essential.
• Parenting is a learning process with no manual.
• Self-care is important for mothers.
• Friendship evolves but remains a vital support.
• The emotional toll of parenting is real.
• It's okay to seek help and advice from others.

Chapters

00:00 Reconnecting and Reflecting on Friendship

03:08 The Surprising Journey into Motherhood

06:02 Navigating the Challenges of Pregnancy

08:50 The Reality of Motherhood: Expectations vs. Reality

11:53 The Impact of Support Systems in Parenting

15:01 The Struggles of Parenting Multiple Children

17:51 Understanding Child Development and Individual Needs

21:05 The Emotional Toll of Parenting

23:56 The Importance of Open Communication with Kids

27:00 Finding Balance in Parenting and Personal Life

30:01 The Evolution of Friendship and Support

32:59 Lessons Learned from Our Mothers

36:02 Advice for New Moms

38:55 The Future of Parenting and Personal Growth

I want to give you a few extra resources to check out if you need them. 

1. We offer in-person or virtual bereavement support in the hospital or at home. This consists of making sure you know all your options, figuring out a support and care plan for when you're home, and holding your hand through it all. These are paid services provided by a Certified Bereavement Doula trained by me or it will be me;)
2. We have a few low-cost products on Amazon that you can use on your healing journey.

• Our Pregnancy Loss Affirmation Coloring Book, HERE.
• Our Pregnancy Loss Journal with writing prompts, HERE.

I'm so honored that you are here and are allowing me to be your guide, your friend, and your fellow loss mom who knows what you are going through ( although different,.) You are brave, you are resilient, you are so f*cking strong mama. 

If you find the podcast helpful, supportive, uplifting and just love the message please leave us a 5-star rating and leave a review! This helps our podcast tremendously, especially on APPLE. This helps our podcast go to the top of search and allows other moms to find us.

Every Mom, Every Baby, Every Loss matters.

Sending love,

Vallen & the EJ Team

record and I think it'll go to Facebook too. Hi, mamas. Welcome to another episode on the Life Loss and Motherhood podcast. I'm so excited for today because I have one of my childhood best friends and her name is Helena and she's an amazing mom, a business owner and just you'll love her too. So Helena, hi. I'm so happy we can make this work finally. I know we're both busy.

I know, that's exciting.

I know. So where should we start? Well, I feel like I guess we can start from your perspective of like how we became friends because I don't remember.

my gosh, I do. I do. I do. And if Jeannie watches this, she's gonna laugh hysterically, because I like remembered like every place she's ever lived in her entire life. So I absolutely remember how we met. And it was during the summer, and we were taking driver's ed. And that's how I met you, was through driver's ed.

Do you? Okay. Aww.

Yes. Okay.

Yes, Mr. Lytle! my god!

Yep. Now, I think we had the other guy. What's his name?

Okay, right. We had Mr. Little one time like as a sub. He was old was like older. don't know. Yeah, was me. Was it one more person Chelsea maybe? I feel like there was three of us.

Ugh, I don't remember his name. I forget.

I don't remember. I know it was me and you for like most of the time.

Yeah, that was so fun. Now that I'm thinking about it.

Yeah, that was the summer we met and the summer we became really great friends.

my god. Yeah. So I wanted to have you on here because one, it's been so long since we like caught up caught up. Like even when you were here a couple years ago, it was like, we tried to get in as much as we could in the short amount of time. So we're just spewing everywhere. But I really want to showcase just like how how like we all really are in the stuff that we go through. So

I wanna, let's talk about your journey into mom, momhood. Because I know we never thought that we would be moms, I don't think. We were, know, hot messes as teens and young adults. I'm just, I can't believe that we're moms and that we're really good moms. So I'm just so happy about that.

jeez never you're fopping sideways

Yeah. Yeah, I know, right? All the things that we did, the gray hairs we gave my mother.

You know, poor Sandra. I know.

We were pretty naughty, but you know, we made it out and you know, we're better now and we're you know, doing good. We're awesome. So everything's going good. But yeah, the journey of motherhood. Wow. I just never thought I would actually be a mom. So that was like really surprising when it did happen because I was not expecting it. So it was a surprise.

live.

Was he, okay, was it an oops type thing? I don't remember.

Yeah, it was like a I'll never see this person again type of situation. And then it ended up in that. So that was my journey and the beginning of it. And just it was a lot to deal with. I remember.

that.

Like I had a birthday, my sister got me skydiving tickets. Like I was ready to live. Like I was going to go out there and like do so many awesome like things. I was going to travel. Like I was just going to have like the best time. I didn't care if I had to live in a van doing it. Like I wanted to have fun. Like I was ready for adventure. Like I was starting off my adventure series. You know what I mean? And then shortly after, like I had my skydiving trip plan.

Yeah.

I felt really sick and then I went to the doctor and found out that I was pregnant. So there was that. That was the surprise of my lifetime.

Do you remember what was going through your head when he told you?

my God, I cried so much. Cried, just terribly crying just because I had so much planned that wasn't in the works. I wasn't planning on having kids. Like I wanted to, I wanted to party. I wanted to hang out. I wanted to go on adventures. Like I was ready to like see the world. I wasn't ready to like be a mom and be responsible and have to worry about somebody else.

Yeah.

life basically and like just I remember feeling so much stress like when I found out because I was like my god what am I gonna do this can't be happening to me like I just can't believe this is happening so it was a lot to deal with and you know it it was sucky at the time but Owen's 12 and he's like the coolest person alive so

You know, the journey was long, but like here we are and he's an awesome person. And I'm just so thankful that I have him.

Aw, I know. And because, well, when you got pregnant, this is before your mom and your support system moved down there, right? I know your sister was already down there. Right?

She was here, I was living in a condo with friends. Just, know, like just doing life, having fun. I'm telling you, like we partied, me and those girls, God, we partied so much, we had so much fun, my gosh. It was the best time. It was like, you know, carefree living. It was awesome. So, you know.

Right?

Yeah.

babies were not in the mix, that was not happening. So it was a big surprise. you know, it put a, it put a like a real big stopper into everything for sure. And now that like I'm 35 and I look back and I'm like, who was I before I had those kids?

I'm back.

think we thought about it. It's like that that young brain where we don't even realize like

mean, we're just always like, it's just how I am. Deal with it. Like, knowing that. And another thing I remember, know, when in high school and stuff, know, and people are like, my God, you've changed. Like, and it was such a bad thing if you changed like over the summer or anything like that. But like, as you get older, it's like, my God, how can you stay the same? How can you be the same person you were 20 years ago?

Yes.

no, never.

Yeah. Yeah.

Because we became friends 20 years, 20 -ish years ago.

Yeah, in a sense though, still kind of feel like we're a little bit the same, but also much growth, like serious growth in life. Yeah. I hear that.

no!

matured. We've matured. my god. We'll never lose the the personality pieces. But yeah, I just I know it wasn't for me either. And then of course, I met John and then got pregnant like six months later. No, yeah, six months later. We got married. Nine months later. And

Yeah.

one thing after the other, because I remember it's, it's so stupid. All the shit that we grew up seeing on TV, like, you know, you get married and then you have children and then you go through all these like, you know, subtle life changes, but it's like, okay.

Yeah, it happens quick.

I just met this guy. I'm pregnant. I'm not married. I don't own a home. don't like I was living with my friends. We were both living together with our friends. Like, and I, it's just like, I feel like there's so many misconceptions with motherhood. Like, nothing is is what we were told. Do you remember like, what are some things that

Yeah.

you remember like thinking about motherhood, like maybe even during Owen's pregnancy that was like shit, like doesn't actually mean anything and like it's not true.

Let me tell you, the only thing that I was thinking when I was pregnant with Owen, I was like, my life is over. I can't have fun. Like, this is not what was supposed to happen. I'm going to get fat and it's going to hurt so bad. You know, like the delivery part, being pregnant, just all of it. It was just...

Hahaha

so much to handle all at once just to take it. You know what I mean? It's just, it's a lot. When you're not ready, it's a lot.

Yeah, it's a lot always I feel like I try to tell people I'm like, you're like, because you know, some people are like, I'm waiting till I you know, till it feels right. I'm ready. I'm waiting until I'm ready. You're never ready to be a mom. Because you don't fully understand how like life altering it is. Not only you know, because pregnancy is not great for most people. Like I had

Yeah.

Yeah.

three terrible pregnancies and two great ones where I didn't have morning sickness, which was like amazing. And I was that annoying glowy person who was just happy and like just fat and happy and that's sick. And then the other times I'm like, this is the worst fucking thing I've ever been through. I don't know who does it to themselves. Like this is why you wear condoms. Like this is just, yeah, it's just.

Yeah, no. And pregnancy is hard too, because I mean, with Owen's pregnancy, I was okay for a while. And, you know, the emotional toil it takes on you, like it's a lot mentally, the pregnancy hormones. And then, you know, if something's wrong, you know, that makes it even harder. You know, Owen had a bunch of kidney problems, you know, when they found out when I was pregnant with him. So.

That was a lot of stress, like to think about what was gonna happen during the whole cycle of growing a baby and then what's gonna happen after, what's up with the organs, hoping to God you don't need like crazy surgeries or anything like that. It was pretty scary. And then everything the mother goes through, we go through a lot. We go through a lot, like it's tough.

Yeah.

I know I the people talk about like postpartum depression and stuff, but the prenatal depression, like when you're pregnant is real. It's very real. And I don't think it's talked about because you're supposed to be happy when you're pregnant, but you can you can be happy and severely depressed at the same time. And that's where it's like really hard to share with people. I just I

No.

Yeah, no. It's rough. And it's even rougher when you're not expecting it.

God. I think I'm like, basically all of my children were just unexpected. We're terrible baby preventers. That's I'm just gonna say that we're just terrible at it. So dumb.

Yeah.

Well, I'm not having any more. I tied my tubes after Willow. I'm finished with all that.

Yeah, John got his vasectomy. I was like, I'm not, I'm not doing this. We're done. feel like when, how old were you when you had Willow? Were you like 32?

Yeah.

So yeah, wasn't. I'm showing out numbers. I'm giving you the numbers. You do it in your head. It's simple math.

31. Don't make me do math!

Yeah, no, I'm asking because the older I got, the harder my pregnancies got. And I wasn't sure if it's because of the age that I was or because of how many kids I already had. So do you remember, how was your pregnancy with Willow? Was it a lot harder?

With Willow, let's see, with Owen, I was really sad, but with Willow, I was very mean during the very beginning of the pregnancy. Like, just not me. Like, I'm usually pretty bubbly and happy most of the time, but like, you know, I go through some bitchiness and I was not the best. I wasn't pleasant to save the leaves.

Yeah.

You know, my dad, Kenny's a trooper. He stuck through though. He was like, you're only acting this way because you're pregnant. And then like I'd cry and they would just, you know, I was a mess. And then I got, I was so sick. my gosh. I puked so much during her pregnancy. I mean, it was just, I just remember going to the hospital all the time, like just needing IVs and just dying of puking constantly.

I thought I wasn't gonna make it through the first couple of months. Like I needed something, like the medicines really didn't help, know, pill -wise. It was awful, hers. And then, during her pregnancy, I kind of sucked at like the prenatal care type of situation.

Because I was like, I'll just go in and you know, I've done this before. I'm good. Like if she's good, I'm good. You know, we went to the high risk. He told us we were good. And I was like, smooth sailing. Let's go, girl. Like we got this. And, you know, we had an accident. We were in a wreck that sucked. So I was pregnant with her and then a whole shit storm happened and went into labor. And it was just a hot fucking mess when that shit happened. It was.

It was rough. Lots of medicine at the hospital to stop the labor, because I think I was only like seven months at the time. So we went through some pretty like high stressful situations. Yeah. And then like right around my eight and a half month mark, I developed like preeclampsia real bad. And so I was like put on bed rest. I had to lay on my left side all the time. Like my blood pressure was like through the roof. I felt like crap.

I'm go now.

Constantly it it was it was rough. I'm surprised that We made it to where the time frame they wanted us in so like I really did stay in bed and like lay down I was so swollen. I had cankles the size of like elephants like if I mean My toes were so big I mean they were humongous I was like, my god

Am I ever gonna see like my toes again? And it did like a couple of weeks after birth, like I started really like the swelling started to go down and it just got better from there.

Yeah. My God.

But she was all good. She was perfect. Nothing wrong with her. was, you know, my first pregnancy, Owen had the issues, you know, he had problems, still has issues. And I was relatively healthy through that pregnancy. And then with hers, I was so sick. But she was a rock star through the whole thing. Not me, I was puking my ass off the whole time.

Yeah.

We came out fiery. Fiery as ever, sweet girl.

She wrecked me.

It's exhausting though, you know, like they, when I was in my, like, when I was like 22 when I had OE and I like, we, we did stuff like me and him, like we were out doing stuff. lived, like we adventure, like we went places, we visited people, you know what I mean? Like we were out there doing stuff together. And then fast forward to having Willow and I'm in my thirties and I'm exhausted. Like I.

don't know like how people with multiple kids do it day to day because I can't even keep up with the two that I have. Like it's just chaos all the time. All the time.

while you also work full time and you're a business owner and you're a wife and you're a homeowner and you're all these things. It's a lot.

Yeah, like it's hard to juggle. Like nobody told me it was gonna be this hard to juggle all of those things. And like the mental load you carry and the emotional load you carry for your family, it's a lot for sure. Like nobody tells you like, you know.

Yeah, parenthood's going to suck, but they don't tell you it's going to suck, suck. And like, it's going to be so financially straining. Yeah, financially straining daycare is going to cost the same amount as a mortgage payment. you know, everything in school, if they have issues, know, tutoring is going to cost a buttload of money. We've about, you know, figured that out in life. So it's a lot. Nobody prepares you for.

They don't elaborate.

what kind of situation you're going to be handed with each kid that you have.

That's a really good point, seriously. I struggled with Cali and Violet. Cali didn't speak Violet either until they were like four years old. And I just, I knew something was wrong. I see all these other kids and I'm like, God, I'm either a really shitty fucking mom or something is really wrong. they're, you know?

Yeah, you're not a shitter, mom.

No, but it's like, they're my first kids, right? So I don't know what type of things that type of things to look for, or things that could happen or, you know, and I get them evaluated, and they both have like, severe, expressive speech delays and sensory processing disorder, sensory processing sensitivity, all these things. And then with violet, especially like,

she wouldn't she didn't walk until she was 16 months old. Callie walked at nine months. So like, I have that experience from the first baby and I'm like, okay, I kind of know what to expect. And then violet throws me through a loop and does everything the opposite. And I'm like, my god, okay.

And then with her like sensory processing disorder, like I had to order this special compression vest that she had to wear because she gets very, there's different types, very touched out, but she also needs the compression to calm. like I had to strap this, it's like a bathing suit. And I had to like strap it on her. Exactly.

It's like a weighted blanket.

And what else then she had to have occupational therapy. And we had the speech therapist coming twice a week to our house because they had like a under three program, right. So and then the occupational therapist would come once a week. And this was like for a year, like, and it's, it's really learning each individual child, because violet, like I couldn't take her anywhere. She screamed all the time. And it's not the type of thing where like,

Yeah.

I can calm her down at all. So like, there was a point where the occupational therapist would come with us to like target so that she could work with Violet on how to communicate because she still couldn't talk yet. Like on what she was feeling and what was going on. And if the lights were too much for her, too many people, like, my God. And then I'm like, no wonder I've grown up thinking something is wrong with me.

Yeah.

brain.

And it's not because necessarily something's wrong. It's because I've had these types of things my whole life. And I'm like, God, you're so weird. Don't tell anybody you do that. like, you know, like I have sensory, like sensory issues when it comes to hearing auditory auditory processing disorder. So I get angry. I get so fucking angry when it gets out.

Do you? Maybe that's what I have. Like when there's too much, I'm like, can everybody just please be quiet or I'm going to freak out.

No, like, it's like, and it, and and it happens like, kind of fast and you're, you're not realizing it and things start to get louder and you start feeling like you get hot and uncomfortable and you're like, God, why am I getting angry right now? I'm getting so fucking mad. And then things get louder and somebody screams and you're like, get the, what the fuck? What's going on?

I literally have earplugs. I have a whole thing of earplugs in my car and I have earplugs in the house and I have to wear them.

Yes. Yeah, let's talk about the car and the screaming, okay? Because holy shit. my God, the screaming in the car is enough to like want to just bash your head in when they're screaming at you and crying and just holy crap. Holy crap. my God, Willow all the way. She was.

Bwahahaha!

Owen was good. Owen, I'd have to say looking back, you know, with all the issues that we've had, like his child, like little childhood was relatively pretty easy. But like with Willow, she is emotional. She is a spiritual, emotional being that I think has been here before.

Hahaha!

She's so smart and she just, she knows things and she's gonna let you know and she doesn't want to be confined and restrained and the car rides would piss her off and you know, God forbid you turn a different song on she doesn't like.

the same song over and over, or like the same two or three on loop for hours.

Ugh, God. You know, we loved car rides. He would fall right asleep. It was such like a smooth experience for him. And with her, like, it was miserable until we were able to turn her forward facing. Like, it was tough.

Yep, I know I probably get bashed for this but like I all my kids were turned around at like a year and a half. And like I with the with the screaming and everything else as soon as I did that I was fine. They know

Yeah, well, let me tell you, I think we all are well aware that I am a giant. So my children are giants. So like their little legs were like cocked up on the seat. Like just chillin'. I'm like, yeah, think, I think, you know, they, got up to weight and height really quickly. So I'd probably say right about two or three, they were probably flipped around. Cause you know, I have big kids.

I know Callie's almost as tall as me. She's like this much fucking shorter than I am. I'm like, you gotta be kidding me. She's like, I'm 5 '8".

That's crazy. How tall are you?

Okay, yeah, Owen, Owen's almost as tall as you. He just surpassed like, he's almost five, six. So he's getting there. He's huge.

I know Cali she towers over everybody, everybody including her teachers. And, you know, I'm like, don't worry, if you ever feel self conscious about it, you can call your aunt Helena and she'll tell you all about being tall and how cool it is. But she loves it. She doesn't even care. She's like, she's had

Yeah.

I'm so happy about that because like in high school it was awful. I always tried to like shrink myself down to be smaller. You know what I mean? Cause I was always just so fucking huge. know, tall as fuck, but yeah, I'm good with it now. you know, Ken, you know, he's only five eight, but he is awesome with it and he loves it. And so it just makes me feel that much better about it. So.

You know, not as insecure as what I once was when I was in high school up until now as a grown woman. You know what I mean? So it's nice. Yeah, I like being tall. Sometimes I wish I was short just because of the clothes. You know, y 'all have some really cute clothes.

Yeah.

shoes. I feel like yeah, I love really high heels. And I can't really wear them with my knee. But when I wear them, I'm like so tall, I'm like, right to John, and he's like six, four. So I'm like, okay, nope, this isn't happening.

my god, I was just thinking about this thing.

I'm shit if I put heels on I tower over kenning

God, I know. No, Callie, she experienced a little bit of bullying from a little, little kid, you know, and he was calling her Shrek. I'm like, all right, how are we going to do this? You can't beat him up because I'll go to jail. You'll probably go to jail these days. So, you know, like

Bye.

I don't even really remember what I told her about. I use the word pipsqueak. She's like, mom, he called me Shrek today and I told him if he didn't scram, I would, I, did she say? she's like, I don't even remember something about him being a pipsqueak. She's like, I'll crush you pipsqueak or something. Like it was, I died.

We told them to scram.

he'll probably be too embarrassed and shamed to tell the teacher. So I think you're you're good. But I'm like, navigating this now because I know you've had to deal with it with Owen but like Cali hasn't

Yeah.

I don't know. I think she'll be fine. Once she steps into that, the confidence of being a tall kid, like, and literally, my god, beautiful. But yeah, for me, my god, it like it personally, like it feels like a stab in the heart when like my kid if I know somebody says something or does something to my fucking kid.

Yeah.

Tall goddess, let's be honest. Tall goddess.

I know. I know. Trust me, I get all fired up. Like I'm ready to go. Like I'm ready to start a fight. Let's go. You know, especially with all the stuff Owen's been through, like it just enrages you. You just want to be there to like help them.

I get so mad.

Yeah, and protect them and like, my god. That's one thing about parenting that I didn't really think about. I was I don't remember being bullied. I remember being called fat in like elementary school. Probably high school. But at that point, I would defend myself and be like, shut the fuck up before I your ass like

Yeah, I think I remember that too. Or just being called a giant, you know, whatever it is what it is. I've heard it all throughout my lifetime. Not a big deal. You know what though, the best advice, you know, Sandra ever gave us was that we will never see majority of these people ever again. So it doesn't matter what they think or what they say or what they do to you because your life

Literally, is that all you can say?

will never be around these people. So just do what you need to do, finish school, and get the hell out of here.

Literally, I know you had such a good. I know you.

Seriously.

That's what I tell Owen, you only have to go to school for a short amount of time and you know if it's bad. We didn't have this option when we were growing up where we could just leave school and not go. So thank God for internet and the social medias and the things and the Google classrooms and all of that where if your kid is being bullied.

Pull them out. Like I told Owen, like it doesn't matter what's going on. If you say, mom, I want to be done. I can't handle this anymore. I don't want to be here. We're out, bro. Like that's what I told him. Speak his lingo. We're out of here.

told the girls that's we can homeschool like and it's funny because homeschooling they do like three four hours a day and they're done and the rest of the day we can't go do stuff and I'm Cali

I know.

I know and like imagine, imagine like going to the zoo or going to the aquarium or going to like some type of museum for like, you know, school. That's awesome.

I know. I don't know. I'm just

man. I think about all this stuff and it just makes me happy that I'm a mom, but also like I think about all the stuff that's coming. Is that the power?

Yeah, I don't know what's happening.

Is it storming?

I don't think so.

That is so strange. It's a ghost.

Well, there's no ghosts because it's a new house. my God.

Is it girls? Yeah, I don't know. That is so strange. So weird. Who knows?

well, you're safe. You're alive. I my God. Talk about bad parenting. We let the girls watch. We love horror movies, so what was it? The new scary movie or something because Violet is obsessed with Jenna Ortega. So I was like fine. And then we watched like one thing and violence just sitting like this the whole time. She just can't watch it. Oops. But yeah.

Yeah.

Well, speaking of motherhood.

How old was Owen when your mom moved down there? Your mom and CL.

Geez, by that time, by that time I feel like Kenny and I were dating. So I think Owen was probably two, because we started dating right when Owen was two. mean, he was so little.

Is it pretty early?

Yeah, I think so. Like right around that time she moved down and I mean that was just a godson because she was like, I'm here for my babies. So, you know, she like is like awesome. You know, her and my stepdad are great. They're like the awesome grandparents you could like totally wish for to have in life.

I know.

I know how much how much do you think it impacted your journey of becoming a mom? Did you like did you get closer with your mom? Did it like

Can you hear me?

It's connecting. Can you hear me?

now I can, yeah.

Okay, connecting with my mom.

Did you hear what I said? Yeah, so like how did her being down there to support you, like how did that help the whole journey? Like did life just get better? Did you get closer? Did you like respect her more knowing what she went through?

Life.

Yeah, well, let's say respect for respect for Sandra that that definitely took place right around pregnancy for sure because I was like, my god I don't know how my mother did this at like 18 popping out kids getting early, you know married early all that and just like owning houses and running a business and like she did all that at like 18 19 20 and

Hahahaha

You know, like she is like a cool mom. She's always been a cool mom. And like, I am so glad that I have her still and that she is still that cool mom to my kids. And it has brought us closer, I think. And also just

Yeah.

Just having her around and doing the things that she did with all of us as teens and like younger teens and stuff and little kids, like it's awesome. Like my kids get to enjoy that because I don't feel like I am like that. You know what I mean? Like I don't do, I don't do those. Like I don't do all of those things. I do try.

No!

But you know, we know it is when you work all the time, Kenny works all the time, know, Kenny's up 430 in the morning, leaves at five. We don't typically see him until like seven o 'clock at night. And then, you know, I'm up with the kids doing the morning drop offs, all that, going to work, hauling ass through work and still trying to like get back to my side of town. Because, you know, going 26 miles down here in Jacksonville takes an hour and 15 minutes.

It's exhausting.

in the city, like it's just ridiculous. And so, you know, I spent a lot of time in my car driving and I'm just, it's a lot to do. So we don't have a lot of like mom and dad time to like be awesome. You know, when we get home, it's dinner, it's homework, it's baths, it's...

read a few books and you know yell at Owen because he still didn't turn in his fucking homework. You know like that's what I have time for and then we all have to go to bed and wake up and do it all over again and like there's like three hours out of the night you know what I mean and then like still trying to be a wife you know on top of being a mom and then where do I come in?

You know, like as a mom, because you're busy doing so many things for other people, you kind of get forgotten about. Like you forget about you. So someone asked me like what I do for hobbies and stuff. And I was like, what the fuck do you mean hobbies? I don't got no fucking hobbies.

I when I get hobby time.

Yeah, like I need a nap. That's my hobby. You know, I mean, I did start, you know, I bought the Audible app and I do listen to books now because you know, I love to read and so I listen to Audible. So at least I'm reading still. So I mean, if I'm in a book club, at least I know, you know, you can ask me questions. I might know some answers.

Yeah.

by the way, I feel like I have listened to the Harry Potter series so much that if me and you went to trivia night, we would win all that money. All the money that night. my God, we would so freaking win. I got you. I know everything now.

We would win halfway up there.

We will have to do that sometime. We'll find some Harry Potter trillionites and just go to all of them. That would be so much fun. Well, yeah, that do they?

They have him down here.

Yeah.

Have you been to any?

I haven't because I need Kenny to really brush up on Harry Potter trivia. He's gonna make us lose and I'm gonna get so mad and I'm gonna be like, god damn it Kenny, why don't you know the answers? What the fuck? I'm getting so mad because you know I'm kind of competitive, especially with board games and card games and all of that. I wanna win.

You don't trust him yet to get through it, yeah.

feel like that's one of our friendship group traits. We all have to lose.

Yes, but even though when we all flip out on each other, like we're laughing hysterically, we're crying, it's a good time. It's so much fun.

Thank you.

my god. It's true. I the kids love Emperor's New Groove. So every time we watch it, I just have to remind them that it's like me and your pastime movie we used to watch when we were hungover. After we ate breakfast. my god. And they're like, who's who's at Helena?

my god.

Who's Cotopia, baby?

I love that movie.

Yeah. Well, so.

And how come our kids, like my kids, they don't really care to watch a lot of things that I loved and you loved as a child. They can care less, they don't wanna watch it. They wanna watch all this new stuff or watching. Yeah, watching other kids open up toys, like why? They love it.

They want to watch Minecraft shit on kids food.

that. That was the worst during the pandemic. Like that's all the kids had though. What else are they gonna do? Yeah.

Mine actually play, I'm lucky because we were staying with mom at the time, saving up money to buy the house and everything. And mom had the pool and then they have the big yard to play in. So they stayed busy playing and they did play online, of course, why not? I mean, there's nothing really else to do when you're stuck inside quarantined. know, Willow was a baby at the time, so.

You know, we missed out on a lot of things for her like her professional like newborn pictures did not get done I took just a few at home and I was a tough time like they kicked my sister out when I was like mid labor like pushing her out I was like Punched over on my knees like in horrible pain. Just trying my best to labor through I made it to like nine centimeters dilated

and she was riding my pelvic bone and I was like, I can't do this anymore. Even on my hands and knees, like I was dying. I was like, I need something and they did. They gave me the epidural. I was like just shy of 10 centimeters, like ready to push and they popped her in, gave it to me. And how about that son of a gun didn't work? It didn't work at all. I got up and walked immediately after having her. Like it did nothing for me at all.

I should have just went through the pain, just went through it. I would have been fine. I know. I'm telling you, my God, it was awful. And then like, I told them I need to labor on my knees. I cannot get her out on my back. Like, this is not gonna happen. And the midwife, you know, she, I was mid pushing and the student was like rubbing me to like get me ready or whatever.

You're so close. So close.

and she's over there texting on her fucking phone and I was like, you gotta be kidding me right now. Like, my midwife is literally texting somebody on the phone while my vagina is out for everybody.

You know, like every time I push I'm like throw, I'm throwing up because I'm, don't know what's happening. I've never, maybe it was because of the epidural. I'm not really sure, but like when I would push, like I would get sick and I would like puke. It was, it was rough. That was a rough one. But like, yeah, I remember, I remember that they had my sister leave cause of course Kenny has to stay, watch his baby being delivered. And so I was like,

Please don't leave me. I don't care if he's had three kids before me. Like, I need you here. And the doctor's like, sorry, she has to go. And I was like, God. I'm gonna die here.

is awful. Like all the women that were forced to have babies alone because of that. was devastating. when was Willa born? March, March 2020? Yeah. And then Emmett was born September 2020. So I, I had him at a birth center. And one of the biggest pieces that was important to me was that the girls could be there.

God, it was.

Mm -hmm.

as when Evelyn died, like I didn't know that they could come up. I didn't know that I could have them be up there to come see her and just spend time with her. and so they were, they were very adamant to Callie mostly about being there. And so, the midwives were like, that's fine. Everyone's just going to have to wear masks, you know? so like when, when I was in labor and we headed to the birth center and violet,

Yeah.

passed out on the bed that I was laboring on the whole time, slept through it all. And then Callie was like up wandering around. And the midwives, when we got there, I had a midwife. I had a two, a midwife.

a student midwife, we had my doula and john and both kids all in the room in the labor room. People just fucking waiting for me to get that baby out like, because the midwives don't do anything until it's time just like a you know, a doctor it's my doula and john getting me through labor or whatever because that was the only time I've ever not like gave birth without medication or epidural.

huge party.

It's rough, isn't it? Doing it without...

You know what it was but at the same time with my doula it was so it was just amazing. And then when I literally I'll tell everybody to have one. But like this time with Bodie, I had him last June. And I was like, you know what? Because we're in a new place like new hospital all this I didn't like my OB doctors at all.

I should have had one.

I hired my doula like two days before I had him because I was just so nervous. And then we get there. And I start like, really feeling the labor pains and it was more pressure than anything. But I'm like, fuck this. Like this is my last kid, just give me everything. You know, I did it with three other kids. They just came out fine. Just give me it all. You know, so my poor doula just really sat there.

Yeah, load me up. Give me what you got. Gas me.

Literally. It's just so funny. just. I don't know. Life is so different now. Life is so strange. I feel, I feel alone in momhood really where I am just because I don't really have friends. have like two friends, I think, but I have a really hard time making mom friends because I'm really picky.

Yeah.

Which is weird. I am, I'm a certain people's liking. So, you know, I'm not everybody's favorite, but I have a couple of friends down here, close friends, but primarily, I mean, it's you guys. We keep in touch, you know, thank God for Facebook. can see each other's kids and see.

how much we're growing and changing and getting to be excited for all the things that happen in your lives and you know how proud I am of each and every one of my girlfriends. mean, you guys are just so amazing. I love you guys so much and you know, I'm so glad and I'm really freaking lucky to have girlfriends since like childhood. Like, I mean, me and Jean since preschool. I mean, there's so many of us that are so close. It's just,

It's nice to have that even though you are far away from home and you're far away from your friends and we're not together. And we always thought that like having kids, if we did have kids that we would be together and that's not happening. So we get to do it from far away places. So you know what I mean? Like thank God for social media because without that I wouldn't be able to see you guys as much.

now.

We would be terrible keeping keeping in touch our people like I'm not really terrible at that

you

And like some people change their numbers like freaking underwear like I've had the same number since like foreverness so

saying literally I've had it for like 15 years or something.

It hasn't changed, it would be hard to keep in touch. And people move. People have jobs where it takes you different places. A lot has changed in life. It's crazy to see where we were and how we are now.

know, I like looking back, I'm always like, I feel a lot of shame around who I was as a teenager and like young adult just because I didn't have like direction. I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I had two parents who just like one my mom

was like just obsessive about every little thing that I did. And didn't know didn't like told me I'm like terrible and I couldn't hang out with them. And then my dad who was so passive, he just let me do whatever I wanted. I like that's why I always had I always had my friends moms I had Diane I had Sandra I had Judy like these women are the most amazing women ever. But I just I feel like

Yeah.

I look back and I'm like, God, I was a fucking mess. my God. Like how, how did I live? How did I survive? I don't know. Like

Yeah.

even know. I am just thankful that I see a lot of kids, there are kids who make mistakes and mess up, but I do see a lot of kids who are like really focused academically nowadays, who really are working towards like having a good life. And that's fantastic because let me tell you, if I wasn't concerned about having a social life in high school and like being a party animal and like having a good time.

I'd probably be a lot further in life than what I am and like, thank God I am where I am right now. But like, it took a lot of work. A lot of work.

We took the long way. We took the long way. Let's.

Yeah, my mom always said I'm always gonna learn the hard way and she was totally right.

Yep. She was probably the same way. She had to learn the hard way. That's why she knew. That's why she knew.

I know. from, like, God, like if I could go back knowing what I know now, like I would just slam dunk life. It would just be amazing.

I know. If I took all the money I spent on like drinking, I would I would have been so rich.

my god. my god. The amount of partying that we did. I know every gray hair my mother has is because of every single one of her children, like 100%. Like we just.

Bye y 'all.

Yeah, probably. But you're all alive. You're all thriving. Like

I know. And speaking of which, I pray to God that my children are never like any of us at all. Like I hope to God in my mothering experience that I will have sweet little angels.

like

I don't know. I always wonder like one day when they ask, you know, and they're like, because they always go through my picture box. They love my picture box. And I saw pictures in there of like prom. So me and Zach, Jeannie and Harrison. Who else? I don't even remember.

I have a few of me and you in one of my photo albums, yeah.

Yeah, so they're you know, they always they always asked me that they always talk about it, you know, and what I was like, and what I was doing. And I'm like, Do I tell the truth? Which I will I'm surprisingly, because obviously, I always wanted to be the opposite of my mother. So I don't know, we like

Callie already hit puberty. like navigating that this summer and like she's just like growing up and she has these crush this crush now and, huh. I know. And it's like, but she'll, she'll talk to me. And she's like, this happened today. She was so embarrassed because she was talking to her friends at school.

I said, ooh.

and one of the boys heard what she said and he shouted it to the classroom about who he liked. So of course she came home crying and that like I had to deal with that for the first time. And I know, and it's like, I'm just so happy that I get to be the person to be like, listen, I know it's sex right now and it's gonna feel bad, but it will be okay. You're gonna live.

no, poor girl.

Yeah.

Like it's not gonna be that big of a deal eventually, you know, like, I don't know. I never talked to my mom about anything. I don't remember telling her shit. I just, I don't know, lot of distinct.

No, there's unfortunately a lot of kids out there in the world who don't have their parents to talk to about certain things. And that's tough because my mom was always there for me. And I feel like I'm pretty open with my kids. We have pretty open dialects, especially in the car about things, growing up, puberty, sex, babies. They know on a child's...

level, you know, and Owen, you know, he's getting to a point now where he's 12 and puberty and all that. So I'm a little bit more in depth with him. But like, you know, I felt safe with my mom. We told her everything, like everything. And like any time we got in trouble, we were like, please don't, don't ground us.

Yeah.

You know, like, I want to be a safe place for our kids because my mom was that for us. And, you know, it's nice to have that. So it's good that she has that with you because you didn't have that. And that's a nice feeling.

Yeah, I love it so much. I love being a mom. I fucking love it. Even though some days I'm like, I'm so tired. My brain is not even like physical exhaustion. It's the mental exhaustion from like remembering every fucking thing that I have to do every day. And like before bed, I get like request mom, I need this bleach and I need it clean by tomorrow. I need this like all these you know,

I know.

I know.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

or she's like wearing my clothes, even though they're too big for she's like, Mom, it's adorable. I need it. I like and I'm just like, we're 10. Like, why is this happening now? But I like I remember like trying to take my mom's makeup and things because she would never let me wear it. And so she's like, you know, she has her own routine. She just learned about straightening her hair and like putting make

Yeah.

She'll never have to go through what we went through with ironing. Irons, big chunky irons.

I will never forgive destiny for setting it on my forehead and burning my fucking forehead. Never. Never.

And I'm pretty sure I got burned one of those nights by the same by the same iron by the same one

probably.

But you know what? We had the most gorgeous straight hair in the entire world.

we did and it was like nice and like lusciously thick. It was like the thickest it's ever been in my life. We'll never get that hair back.

my god.

We're never getting it back. I keep telling my girls like I'm never letting you dye your hair. But then I went the other day and bought a kit to do color because they've been wanting it just underneath. So was like, you know what? I'm not a fun mom a lot of the time because I'm too busy doing all the responsible things as a mom. Just like we of talked about like your mom does all the fun stuff and we're just kind of like all the boring shit and the kids are like, we gotta stay with mom.

Yup.

Yep.

Yeah, yeah, cause we got shit to do buddy.

I was like, maybe I'll just be a fun mom.

I know and with everything like, my God, we spend like $1 a month on groceries right now. It's insane. It's fucking insane.

Yeah. Well, it's also the cost of living for so many things has went up so much. Like we're feeling it. Like in 2020, before chaos ensued, we finally got to a point where we were like making money and like putting enough away. And I was like, cool, like this is great. We're going to make it. Things are going to be OK. And then the world fell apart. And I'm like, no.

I know.

And yeah, it's expensive. Like interest rates on cars, ridiculous. Interest rate on houses, ridiculous. Interest rates are insane right now.

Literally we bought our house in 2021 and our in our, our APR is like 2 .6. I'm like, we are never getting rid of this house. We will never get rid of this house.

fantastic. Yeah.

I know, I feel stuck. Like we're here in Florida with a 2 .7 and like I feel stuck because I'm starting, I'm weird. My soul, like my soul in Michigan when I grew up needed to be out of there so much. Like I needed to experience life, I needed to leave, I needed to grow, I needed to just not be there. And then now as a grownup, my soul is yearning for like,

the seasons changing and the mountains and crisp air and like having chickens on my property and collecting rainwater and like homesteading, like totally skipping over like the fun mid 30 parts of my life and going straight grandma style. Like that's right where I want to go.

Yeah, I think we're already there. Yeah. Literally, I have let's see, we have a little garden and john's gonna get bees next year. I literally, I got these cute like cross stitch things off Amazon to do. And I color and I listen to podcasts like I don't do anything like, but even all those things like partying or drink like I don't drink I don't

Lucky.

I'll pop a edible once in a while, but like, I'm too tired.

Yeah.

Well, you live somewhere where it's legalized. I live somewhere where it's not. So. And medicinally, which is great, which, you know, I can partake, it's fine because, know, my back and whatever. But still, you know. Still should be, you know, decriminalized, whatever they call it.

It's not in Florida?

I didn't know.

No.

from Washington to here and both places were.

Yeah, and New York, think and a couple of other places. Yeah, I mean, you know, medicinally, yeah, I'm great and it helps. It's fantastic. But, you know, it would be better if it was just recreational and nobody had to worry about it. I would choose that over drinking any day of the week.

wild.

my God.

Literally, I know I can't even drink wine. Like I just I literally wake up with a fucking hangover. I'm like, what is this? And it's because I'm old, like I'm older. It's not fair. But

Yeah.

Yeah, the only thing I can drink without getting a hangover is tequila. Like that's it. Like I can have a couple margaritas and look up and be perfectly fine. Like if we go, if I come see you again soon, we're going to go out and have tacos and margaritas and we're just going to have somebody come. We're going to have somebody come pick us up so we can get a little tipsy and have some fun.

I'm not quite a whole lot.

my god, you're so funny.

totally.

We'll hire Claude

Yeah, that's our fun as moms, tacos and margaritas.

I know in the nap in the bedtime. We don't we don't hang anymore. my god. Although I'm like midnight, but it's like working. Yeah. my god. Okay, we're at 58. So before we leave, if what I'm gonna ask you just one more question, and then we'll hop off. But what is one piece of advice that you would give a mom?

Yep. Hey.

I could stand till midnight watching a good movie.

Okay, okay.

who is struggling with the realities of parenting right now.

I would say that with as much advice as someone can give you, like none of it really matters until you go through it yourself and you're gonna come out okay. Like it's gonna be all right. Everything in life is a learning lesson. We don't come with instructional manual. We don't have like rules.

of parenting down, like it's kind of like you want to be better than what you were raised with. So, you know, it's it's a learning thing. Don't beat yourself up. Everything is, you know, takes time in life. So it's not something that you have to know right away. And, you know, don't get so down when you make a mistake. It's going to be all right. You're going to be all right. Don't have mom guilt all the time.

Yeah, that's the worst. That's like the worst thing. Always.

Yes, like take care of you. Like don't forget about you and the process.

Yeah, you need to find a hobby.

I know, seriously. I need to go out and do something with my life.

Take my advice, don't live like me.

You have a beautiful life and a beautiful family.

thank you. So do you. I love you guys so much.

I love you. I know, meh.

I'm so glad that we got to do this. This was so much fun. I hope that you get to do other podcasts with all the other girls. It'll be so amazing.

I'll make Jeannie and Cassie and Jade. Everybody do it.

my gosh, it will be so much fun. I'll love to see everybody. I'm just so proud of everyone and where everyone's at in life. mean, everyone's doing so good. It makes me happy.

I know, the ones that everyone thought were just not gonna get anywhere, because we were such struggle buses. Aw.

And I'm just gonna...

Yeah, yeah, I know. I know there's probably a lot of people out there who didn't think I was going to be where I was at. But you know what? To really appreciate Helena, you had to know me way back then and still know me today and really appreciate the process of change.

everyone.

Seriously, I know. Well, thank you so much for being here. I'm so happy we got to do this. I love you. We'll talk soon.

I know, I love you. Have a good night. Okay, bye.