I was on YouTube the other night. Not for a good reason.

Twenty minutes later I'm looking at one of the big ones — two lads in a studio worth more than my house, four cameras, somebody just out of shot whose entire job that day was deciding where the lamps went. Two point three million views. Up about a day and a half.

And I'm sat on the edge of the bed with my shoes still on thinking: how the hell am I supposed to compete with that.

I think that every few weeks. I'd love to tell you I don't.

This episode is about that moment, because I've decided it isn't what we all think it is.

Everyone will tell you comparison is the thief of joy, which is a lovely thing to put on a tile in a nice font and about as much use as a chocolate mixing desk. So instead, let's look at what you were actually doing.

A download is a file moving from one computer to another. It doesn't mean anybody listened. A YouTube view is a video starting to play — a completely different event. Chart positions aren't a measure of size at all; they're a measure of momentum. And Spotify and Apple count things differently and won't tell you exactly how.

So when you put your number next to theirs, you aren't making an unfair comparison. You aren't making a comparison at all.

Which raises the more uncomfortable question of what you were really asking. Because nobody has ever done competitive analysis at half eleven at night with their shoes on.

And then there's the number you had in your head when you started. You've almost certainly passed it. You almost certainly didn't notice.

One thing to go and do at the end, and it takes about a minute.

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