If you’ve ever felt ambivalent or even anxious about your birthday, stick around—you’ll find plenty of inspiration and insights in this episode!

Welcome to another episode of Aging in Full Bloom with Lisa Stockdale! I’m Lisa, your host, and today I have a truly special guest joining me—Tamar Hurwitz-Fleming, author of How to Have a Happy Birthday and the How to Have a Happy Birthday Workbook. In this conversation, Tamar and I talk about the complicated emotions that can surround our birthdays, especially as we grow older. We chat about everything from why birthdays can sometimes leave us feeling blue to how we can reclaim the day as a joyful, intentional celebration.

Tamar shares her personal story of moving from heartbreak on her 18th birthday to discovering the power of creating her own happiness. Together, we explore practical tips for planning a birthday that really lights you up, letting go of unrealistic expectations from others, and treating your birthday like the major personal holiday it truly is. We also talk about facing milestone birthdays, navigating the realities of aging, and embracing each year with gratitude and purpose.

Moments

00:00 Self-Made Birthday in France

06:10 Honoring Grief and Celebrating Life

08:37 Plan Your Birthday Celebration

11:32 Embracing Birthday Joy

13:44 Embracing 60's Transition

18:20 Embrace Birthday Celebrations

20:11 "60th Birthday Reinvention"

Here are 3 key takeaways for anyone approaching a milestone year (or who’s ever felt the "birthday blues"):

Take Ownership of Your Happiness: Don’t wait for others to make your birthday special. Plan ahead and create the experience you want—it’s your personal New Year!

Release Unrealistic Expectations: Many birthday disappointments come from expecting others to deliver joy for us. Be direct about what you want, and don’t be afraid to ask for it.

Embrace Aging as a Privilege: Each birthday is a celebration of life and a reminder of the unique journey you’re on. Rather than dreading “big numbers,” honor the wisdom and growth you’ve gained.

Email me, Lisa Stockdale, anytime at aginginfullbloom@gmail.com

Aging in Full Bloom with Lisa Stockdale is sponsored by HomeCaire. We believe every patient should get the personalized care they need, in the way they want it. Every caregiver should feel supported, valued, and motivated. We see each person as their own entity, with unique needs, desires, and skills. Our goal is to best support our family as they reach new milestones.

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Copyright 2025 Lisa Stockdale

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Thanks for listening to Aging in Full Bloom with Lisa Stockdale, sponsored by HomeCaire of Ohio. We added an "i" to care because we care about the individual. That includes the individual caregiver and the individual client. From each caregiver's caseload to every client's care plan, we understand that individual preferences and priorities matter. People matter; we haven't lost sight of that here at HomeCaire of Ohio. If you or someone you know needs personal care at home, call 419-458-3000 to learn.

Listeners, thank you for listening to Aging in Full Bloom with Lisa Stockdale. I'm your host, Lisa, and today our guest is Tamar Hurwitz Fleming. Hi, Tamar.

Hi, Lisa.

How are you today?

I'm doing great. I'm really excited to be here with you.

We have a fun topic. We are going to talk about how to have a happy birthday.

That's right.

It's a little more difficult the older you get. I'm going to read this little blip that I have on you. Tamar Herwitz Fleming is the author of how to have a Happy Birthday and the how to have a happy Birthday Workbook. She believes that celebrating our birthdays with intention can be transformational. After having the worst birthday of her life, she finally realized it was up to her to make her birthday happy. I gotta ask, what happened on the worst birthday of your life?

You know, I was turning 18. It was my first year away from home. I was at college. I'm a baby of the family. There's four kids and 18 is a milestone birthday. And I woke up really excited. The only plans I had that day was to receive all the phone calls that were going to come from my family. And this is way before cell phones.

So I would rush back to my dorm room, I'd cut class early. I mean, the phone calls as it ends up, never came. And I was literally sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring. That's what I did for my birthday. And the heartbreak that came when I realized my family had forgotten my birthday. I couldn't believe it. By evening time, I realized, oh, my God, they all forgot. And it was awful.

It was just awful. It unfortunately reinforced beliefs I had about myself that I wasn't really lovable, I wasn't important, wasn't memorable. And so that was really, really hard for me. And that really just made me feel desperately sad.

And can I just tell you, that is not what I expected. I didn't think you were going to tell me this happened when you were 18, but I love, I'm sorry that it happened to you, but I love that you're sharing the story with us because it makes the point. It doesn't matter how young or old you are. Birthdays are a thing and we come with expectations. So when did you write the book?

Well, let me just say that the happy part of this sad story is that two years later, I was living in France. It was my junior year abroad, I was turning 20, another milestone birthday. And I woke up, I still didn't have plans, but I Was far from home. I was on my own. And I realized, oh, today's my day. I took the day off class, I walked through town, I bought myself a fancy bottle of French perfume that I could not afford on my student budget, but I bought it anyway. And I had some student friends over for cake that night. And I ended up having the best birthday of my life to that point because I had taken charge of the day and made it what I wanted to be.

I wasn't sitting passively waiting for the phone to ring. I wasn't outsourcing my joy to others. And that was my big aha moment when I turned 20 and realized, like, oh, I get it. This isn't about other people. This is about me making the day my own and creating my own joy. And then in terms of when I wrote the book, this idea came to me about 15 years ago. It was another aha moment for me. I had had a friend, we were relatively new friends, and I knew his birthday was coming up.

And I said, hey, what are you doing for your birthday? And he said, I hate my birthday. I don't like my birthday. I thought, okay. I didn't probe, I just thought, okay. But when his birthday came, I showed up with a beautiful pink box of donuts. And I said, happy birthday. And he got mad at me. He got really mad at me.

He slapped his hand on the table, he said, I told you I don't like my birthdays. He was really upset. He really meant it right. And I was thinking like, oh, well, he probably doesn't like his birthdays because people don't make enough of a big deal. So I'm going to go the extra mile for him. And it didn't work. And walking away from him that day, I started thinking, my goodness, something's up here. And I started rapidly thinking about my own birthday experiences, other people's birthday experiences.

And I realized a lot of people don't have happy birthdays. They don't like their birthdays. They feel the birthday blues, they get anxiety. And I thought, you know what, I need to write a self help book about this. So I did.

It's the only one that I've ever come across. There may be others, but we don't care. For us, this is the only.

Yeah, it actually is the only one.

Okay, well, there you go. Even better. It isn't just for us. It's a universal truth. Now someone's going to copy you, you know that. But anyway, you got there first. Now, I hope my son is listening to this. He's 28 and he says he hates his birthday.

And I can't figure it out for the life of me. But this idea of taking ownership and just being determined to have a good day because it's your day, that's what's behind all of this. Yes.

Yeah, that's exactly right. Your birthday is the most spiritual and sacred day of your year. It's the most powerful day of your year, and it's completely your own. Your birthday should matter more to you than anybody else. It's your own personal new year. It's the day your life began. I can think of nothing more meaningful and important than that to celebrate the day your life began. Because every one of us is a miracle.

And so, yeah, it's up to us to decide what we want to do for ourselves. To, to. To have as much joy as we can on our birthday, to have as much depth as we want, to have as much fun. But it's up to us to plan it. And when I hear that you're 28 years year old, son doesn't like his birthday, I kind of want to know why. Have you had conversations with him about it?

I have asked him and like, I think it's because his birthday comes a week after we lost my dad, his papa. I think that's what it is because he didn't hate it until then, but he, he won't, he won't say it and I won't. I'm waiting for him to, you know, like, come to realize that this is it, but I know he listens to my podcast, so I kind of. The cat's out of the bag now, but that's okay.

Can I say something to him?

Yes, please. His name is Isaiah. Give it to him.

Isaiah. That's a great name. Isaiah. I just want to say if, if your mom's right about the heartbreak that you feel when your birthday rolls around because it's so close to the death of your beloved grandfather, that's a very real heartbreak pain that you're carrying with you. And so I'm wondering if there's a way for you to make a big deal when the grant. When the anniversary of your grandfather's death comes around, you know, put up pictures of him, light some candles, share some memories, the favorite stories you have of him, feel his spirit surround you with love on the anniversary of his death day. And then a week later, allow yourself the, the, the. The space to celebrate your own day, the day that you came into this world.

And you know you can still integrate your grandfather's memory into your birthday. But if we separate those two events, it allows you to feel the grace and the joy and the healing that can come when you allow yourself to step into your birthday experience and create. Create what you want to feel fed and nourished in your heart and in your soul.

Oh, my gosh, Tamar, you have me over here crying now. You shouldn't do that. I'm usually the one that makes people cry, but it's okay. And didn't I tell you before we were on air that I thought how beautiful you are physically. But I can also see it's way, way more than that. Well, now I'm so honest now. That's just the truth of it. But thank you for that.

I know that my son will hear that and I'm sure he will feel it.

Yeah. And. And I just want to say something else about that. Often those kinds of experiences that happen right around our birthday can traumatize us, actually, and make us feel like our birthday is no longer our own. It's no longer joyful. How dare I celebrate and be happy when something bad just happened? You know, there's people whose birthdays happened are BOR 9, 11.

Yeah.

And they feel like, how can I, you know, it's my birthday when the country's in mourning.

Right.

So the answer to that is both things can be true. The grief and the mourning can still be real for people, even if it's real for you. But you still are allowed to have your day that is sacred and joyful and celebratory because you are deserving of that. It's just one day a year. Even if it happens to fall on that day, it's okay. You can work with it anyway.

Yeah, it's not an either or. It's not a dichotomy. You get to celebrate your day. And do you have tips in the book or suggestions for how to celebrate or what is in the book beyond what we've already discussed?

Oh, definitely. Well, your birthday is a major holiday. It's your own personal new year. And just like you're not going to wake up on Thanksgiving and say, okay, what's for dinner? And who's coming, you need to start planning your birthday at least a month in advance. Start thinking about what you want to do. Take the day off work, take the day off school, take the day off from your normal responsibilities to really give yourself the day to enjoy this personal holiday that's your birthday. And then ask yourself, what would bring me joy? Do I want it to be a Solitary birthday where it's just me hiking by myself into the woods. Do I want it to be with a few close friends and family? Do I want it to be a big old party where I just feel like I can let loose and have a ton of fun? You think for yourself what you want to do and then plan to make it happen.

And by that I mean this. When you wake up on your birthday and you haven't planned and all of a sudden you decide you want to be spontaneous and have five of your best friends have drinks with you that night, guess what? They may not be available for that because they weren't able to plan for it. Right. If you wake up and you're like, oh, I'd love to have a massage today at the spa, you call, they're fully booked. You didn't plan for it. You want to go have dinner at your favorite restaurant. Sorry, no. No reservations available.

You have to plan for your birthday success. You have to plan at least a month in advance to make sure you have what you want and communicate to the people in your circle. If you want them to participate, invite them in with enough time so they can say, yes, I can plan for that. If you want them to bring you a cake, you can say, and I'd love it if you brought me a cake. You can ask for that. People are honored to help you in those ways. But be very clear, if you don't like chocolate cake, say, hey, just so you know, I don't like chocolate cake, but I love these three other flavors. And then let them pick.

Right? So there's ways that you can craft your birthday success. But again, planning is a big part of that.

Yeah. Well. And I guess we just don't think about it. And like you said, we, we probably wait too long. Like, can't call everybody the night before. Everybody's life is busy.

Yeah.

So you do have to plan. And wouldn't it be lovely? Wouldn't you be assured of a great time if you planned it, if it was what you wanted to do and you weren't waiting for other people to make it happen for you?

So much of our birthday, so much of our birthday disappointment actually happens because we have expectations that others are going to show up for us with a marching band and million balloons and really razzle down us. And they don't. Some of them don't even remember.

Right?

And sometimes, and I found this was true for me, I will admit this, sometimes I was testing people. How much do you love me? Will you remember my birthday? Right. Yeah. And what are you going to do about it? And I realized that was a self sabotage. I was sabotaging my own birthday joy by putting all the pressure on other people to prove to me how much they love me, to read my mind and show up exactly as I wanted them to show up. Yeah, that was a failing recipe that wasn't going to work. So don't do that, folks. Don't, don't sabotage your birthday joy.

A lot of us do that subconsciously and I write about that. Chapter two of my book is called the Birthday Blues because a lot of us have, have a hard time with our birthdays. Some of us are birthday positive, some of us are birthday avoidant, and the rest of us are in between there, somewhere here or there. So I just, I think that there are a lot of ways we undermine our birthday joy again subconsciously because we have these deeper needs that we're trying to have met. And I say, hey, get clear about it. Press the pause button on that and step into your own power to create your own birthday experience and your birthday joy.

And as you say, it's a national holiday. Is that what you called it?

I love that I called it. I actually say it's a major holiday.

A major holiday?

Yeah. It's not. The whole nation isn't going to celebrate your birthday. But it is, as much as I would like that if they did. But it's a major holiday.

A major holiday.

Yes. Your birthday is a major holiday. It's your own personal new year.

Love it. Love it.

It.

Now, how do we get this book?

Well, the book is available wherever books are sold. So whether it's your local bookstore or Amazon, you know, bookshop.org, whatever, there's a paperback, a hardback, there's an audiobook, an ebook, and then the workbook itself, which is a journal type format with very thoughtful questions to help you dive deeper and explore what some of your birthday issues might be and experiences and disappointments and hopes. And also ask you about aging and some of those issues we have around that and, and gives you some ideas about what you could do to plan for a happy birthday that is available. The Happy Birthday Workbook is available exclusively on Amazon.

Okay, and let's talk about that for a moment before I let you off because I really am enjoying talking to you. What about this aging piece? What, what have you discovered? Or what advice do you have for someone who maybe is dreading a 40 or 50 or 60 or 70 or 80th birthday or beyond?

Yeah, well, I am 59 and a half. I am turning 60 in January. It's a big milestone. I can feel it. I don't have a problem getting older. I think aging is a privilege. The fact that I even made it this far, I know people in my peer group that did not make it this far. So I will never criticize the fact that I'm getting one year older.

I will be grateful for the fact that I am one year older and embrace the life that I'm living as it is. But when I think about milestone birthdays, they are significant, right? Whether we're turning 30 or 40 or 50 or 60 or 70. And for me, turning 60 means that I'm no longer middle aged, because I'm not. It means I'm entering my senior years, right? Social Security, Medicare, retirement, all of that stuff happens in the 60s. And it also means I have less time ahead of me, that my mortality is becoming more evident to me. It's like, you know when you're on those long escalators at the airport and they're moving you from point A to B and you're on it, and then all of a sudden you get. You see the end coming from. For me turning 60, I hope I still have 20, 30 more years ahead of me.

I never know. None of us know. But what it does for me is it creates an urgency, it creates a sense of, oh, I get it. Mortality is real, my death is guaranteed. And so what am I going to do with this wonderful life I have? What am I going to do with the rest of it? That's up for me to decide. And I have less patience for the things that don't work for me. And I have more desire to create and dive into the things that give me excitement, that spark my curiosity, and that help make my life interesting and worth living. So turning 60 is turning up the volume on this sense of I've got more to do and I want to get it done.

And so I like that. The thing I don't like about turning 60, I'll be completely honest with you, has to do with my body. My body's changing. I have osteoporosis, right? How the heck do I have that? Well, I'm 60 years, almost 60, and that's how I have it. So there's certain aches and pains and creaks that happen that weren't there before. So I don't recognize that as it happens, but I'm flowing with it. And the other thing, let's. Let's talk about this.

And I know you had A podcast, a guest in June that talked about aging with laughter, and she talked about the Botox and the veins. And I really enjoyed listening to that. That was fun. But it was really this, it really spoke to this societal pressure we have, especially as women, to remain as youthful looking as possible. Because once we start looking our age, as we are older, we feel like we become invisible, less attractive, less valuable, less powerful. And I'm here to say, based on my journey and my experience and what I'm observing, that is a choice we can make for ourselves or not. Nobody gets to define my worth. Nobody.

No matter what age I am. That's for me to decide. And in terms of my own aging process, again, that's for me to decide. I choose right now. I don't color my hair. I don't do anything unnatural to my body to keep myself looking youthful. I use my, my beauty creams and my jojoba oil. I mean, I do what I can on that level to nourish myself and nourish my skin, but I don't, I don't do the Botox or the fillers.

I reserve to change my mind at any point, of course, But I just want to say that I think that there is a collective lie, actually, that women as we age become less valuable and less attractive. And I don't believe that. I look around at my peer group and I see beauty in the wrinkles. I see beauty in the silvering hair. And I encourage any of your listeners to open their eyes a little wider and start to see beauty where it may exist, in places that society tells us it can't exist because they want to sell us the billion dollar industry that wants us to stay forever young.

Amen, sister. I, too, am going to be turning 60. I'm a little. I'm two months older than you in November.

Congratulations. How is that for you? How do you feel? What's going on?

You just, you just gave it to me in a nutshell. I mean, I'm happy that I have people in my own family that didn't make it this far. And so I feel blessed and honored. But I'm also still inventing, still learning, still discovering. I don't feel like I'm getting older in a negative way. I feel like I'm getting older in a positive way.

Right. Right.

Yeah.

What are you doing for your birthday?

I haven't planned it yet, woman. I have a month, you know, now I. I just told my family I don't want this and this and that. And now you've got Me rethinking it. And I think I am going to make some plans and I'm going to take some of my favorite people with me and I'm going to celebrate me. How about that?

Yeah, yeah, that's exactly right. And 60 is such an important milestone and it is worth celebrating. And it can be, I will tell you, it can be vulnerable. It can be vulnerable for us, especially as women. A lot of us are caregivers, A lot of us are people pleasers. We don't want to be, quote, unquote, narcissistic or selfish or self centered. Right. As if celebrating our birthday makes us be that way.

But so a lot of us just aren't comfortable asking for that level of emotional attention, physical attention, energy from people to celebrate us and to put us in the center of their attention even for one day. It can be really uncomfortable. But I suggest that we do it anyway if that's what we really want. If you really can't stand the attention, if you're an introvert and you can't stand the attention from people around you, don't make your birthday a painful event, for goodness sakes. But I don't want anybody to tell themselves and talk them into this idea that, oh, it's not a big deal. I don't want to ask people, I don't want to bother people, take up their time and make a big deal about me. Your birthday is the one day a year you get to do that. And guess what? When it's their birthday, they get to do it too.

That's what makes birthdays so wonderful. We all have one and it's up to us.

When they have their major holiday, they can ask you for something, Right?

Exactly. And you'll be more than happy to show up for them.

Yes, of course.

You're not going to be grudged on that. If you're. If someone says, hey, can you bring me a birthday cake? You'd be delighted that they asked you to do that. So it's really just, you know, turn the shoe on the other foot to see how you feel as a participant versus the center of attention and then allow yourself to say, okay, it's okay. I can be the center of attention this one day a year.

Tamar, is the book selling?

The book is selling. And I'm happy to say that, you know, I've been doing a lot of podcasts and that's helping get the word out. And the nice thing is that when people read the book and experience the transformation that they go through by giving themselves Permission to have a happy birthday and to put themselves in the center of their world one day a year, they're wanting to give it to others as gifts. And so if you want to give this birthday as a gift, as a birthday gift, I highly recommend you give it as an early birthday present about six weeks before their birthday. Say, I have an early birthday present for you. Here you go. I heard from a woman recently. She actually lives in Australia.

Her sister was turning 60 recently and was not doing anything, wasn't into it. And then she gave her my book and the workbook and the woman, it transformed her. And she said, you know what? I'm going to do something. And what she ended up doing is she ended up throwing herself a party with her close family and friends. Her 60th birthday party, the theme was a children's birthday party. And so she reinvented the children's birthday party that she remembered from her childhood as she turned 60. And it sounded so much fun. Everybody had a great time, I'm sure.

And I was so happy that my book woke her up to the possibility that, yes, she did deserve to have a happy birthday. She did deserve to plan something for herself as she turned 60. And it gave her the inspiration and encouragement to do that. And that is very gratifying to me, of course.

Tamar, thank you. Thank you for sharing your insight. Thank you for writing the book and even providing a workbook for folks. You are appreciated.

Thanks, Lisa. And if anybody wants to find me, I'm actually just hung my shingle as a birthday coach. But if anybody wants to find me or my book or my socials or other podcasts I've done, you can go to howtohaves a happybirthday.com and you can contact me and you can, you know, find out more about me@howtohaveahappybirthday.com so I want to thank you, Lisa, for welcoming me today. And I hope this inspires your listeners to have and create a happier birthday for themselves.

I'm sure it will and has inspired me. And I'm sure you will inspire my son when he hears this. Listeners, till next time. May the road rise to meet you May the wind be forever at your back.