NIGHTMARE ON 34TH STREET: A XMAS GROTESQUE 

Words + Music by Geordie McElroy 

Epilogue

***

Muffy Von Klump, Luz de la Cruz

Lunched at Bistro Chez Bleu 

Where once the gang was a trio 

Now there were only two 

“There’s no decent reindeer anywhere”

Luz sulked and dropped her fork 

Muffy sighed, “its out of fashion 

But you knew that of course”

“Speaking of thing gone out of style

What did you do with Beth?”

“I wheeled her down to a group home

She rolled on my last nerve left”

Muffy asked, “How is Alfonso?”

“I hear he’s doing grand

Such a shame we needed his room

That reno was unplanned”

“Occasionally we get letters

For reunion pleading us 

Frankly, they go straight to shredder

Neediness is tedious” 

“Any new projects?” Muffy asked

“I took a page from Portia”

“Are you crazy? Committing fraud?

Or dealing in orphans?”

“Those are things that are just not done

Nothing… inelegant 

I’m elevating charity

Making it more relevant”

“She was right about the justice system

The whole thing is rotten

Inmates linger in filthy cells 

By the world, forgotten”

“So, I’ve committed to fix it

To let dignity ring 

I’ve become a prison mentor 

With felon under my wing”

“She reports to me her progress

Gives run down of her chores

Work beneath the righteous wives

Reforming for her I’m sure” 

“Oh my, that sounds restorative

Muffy bubbled with glee

“Any chance you’ll meet with her soon

Now that, I’d love to see”

****

Inmates entered the visiting room

Guards barked out commands

Muffy and Luz sat by the glass

Receivers in their hands 

Muffy’s eyes sparkled with delight 

Seeing Luz’s project

Now this was a soul needing reform 

Looking ragged, unkempt 

Luz spoke into her receiver:

“Have you been doing good?

Are you staying out of trouble?

Like a model inmate should?”

Muffy produced Japanese fan

“It’s awful hot in here

What in god is that yeasty smell?

It reeks of rotten beer”

“Guards say you cell’s been messy

Grub’s constipating you

That jumpsuit fits like a trash bag

What’s with those hideous shoes?”

“Just think, in a decade you’re out

After you’ve made amends

This decor drab and depressing

Are you making any friends?”

“Time to say our affirmations

Repeat them after me:

I’m a felon worthy of love

Self-respect, dignity”

“Come, come now, please don’t be bashful 

Self-love its own reward 

I’d hate to have this non-compliance 

Brought before parole board”

“Shame you can’t wear your wig in here

There’s no need to hunch low

Even if your wrinkles cracking

And it seems you’ve lost your glow” 

“Adieu, until we meet next week 

Don’t let your cellmate extort you

Muffy, it’s time to run, let’s go 

Say goodbye to Portia”

***

Up in Koopman’s condo

Noel sat by the fire 

Killer snuggled at the girl’s feet

No home in town higher

Swaddled in a cashmere sweater 

Sporting a wide brim hat

Eating brownies, cookies, and sweets

For once, putting on fat 

Orphan set her cocoa down

And rung a tiny bell 

In wandered youngest Chloe 

“How can I help, Noel?”

“There’s so much to do at the store

It’s hard to make the rounds 

Give me a rundown of numbers

Full department breakdown”

***

Downstairs department store swarming

The most shoppers in years

Now that Noel was running things 

Old problems disappeared 

Chloe opened a folio 

And ran down the figures

How each department was thriving 

Slowly growing bigger

“Roxanne making a splash in hosiery 

Penny killing dinning

Suzy doing wonders with make-up

I’m thinking of resigning” 

“Aren’t you happy?” asked Noel

“Of course,” answered Chloe

“Everything is running so smoothly

The store doesn’t need me”

“Even Harriet’s faring well 

Heading security 

No one wants to mess with her now 

Power for all to see”

“Street Rats run our loss prevention

Been weeks without a thief

They know every trick in the book

Zero chance for a cheat”

“Good thing they’re finally showered” 

Chloe said with a grimace

“Their B.O. had its own zip code

Perfume has its limits” 

“What’s next?” Chloe asked Noel 

“Tattoos with Dolores?”

“I’m going to meet an old friend

Need to hit the florist” 

***

Dunn was at the cemetery

Formal police attire 

He laid flowers down on the ground

Where wife and child retired

"Howdy, Sergeant!” Came a greeting

He turned to see Noel 

Carrying bunches of roses

Daises, tulips as well 

“Whoa there! Ms. Fancy,” he told her

“We get that you’re wealthy

You didn’t need to bring so much

Two bouquets is plenty”

“Relax, guy, they’re not all for you

These for your child and wife 

Others are going to some one

To whom I owe my life”

“Did you discover your mother?

Able to find her name?”

Noel shook her head, shed a tear

“I’m sorry, that’s a shame” 

“I’m going to place them on the grave

Of the unknown orphan 

Just as easy could have been me

Had I other fortunes”

“Speaking of good luck, how’s it feel?

To go from rags to riches?”

“It came with the price of my dad…

…Anyone know where Nick is?”

“We searched the banya and the North Pole 

Through marshes, sloughs fishing 

We rounded all the Gulag Gang

But Nick among the missing

It seems he just up and vanished 

Crept through hole in time ripped”

“This is not the first time my dad 

Gave authorities the slip” 

“But look at all the money I got 

This grand inheritance 

Nick had assets all over town 

Shame it came with his parenting”

“Who knows? Maybe he’s in Cairo

Or monastery climbed to 

Perhaps the Amazon basin

He maybe right behind you”

“It’s hard to disappear these days

Everything’s connected 

If he pops his head above water 

I’m sure we’ll detect it” 

“Sure!” Noel laughed with a shudder 

Under parasol shade 

She failed to notice the groundskeeper

A teen with eyes of jade 

***

Steve Koopman was at the helm

His ship on wild sea

Sold Noel the store, penthouse floors

For once, completely free

In his favorite Hawaiian shirt

Through the weather bracing 

Mercedes sea sick and freezing

Mounting problems facing 

She tried to cut a new diss track 

But there was no wi-fi

She demanded the sea be quiet

Steve said: “I’ll give a try”

Overboard lost her mobile phone

Wave drenched through fast fashion 

Soaked to the bone, so far from home

With imagination lacking 

“This life is unacceptable

Now turn this ship around

Take me back to the big city 

Just take me back to town”  

Mr. Koopman comforted her

“This this is our home now

We’ll go where fair winds blow 

Through unknown waves we’ll plow” 

“Well I don’t want to be rootless

Or some high sea rover

This is just your mid-life crisis

How soon will it all be over?”

Just then Pearl appeared on deck 

“Do you come with a dimmer?

You’re spoiling our honeymoon

Mercedes, please, simmer” 

“You can’t tell me to relax, Pearl 

You’re not my mother”

“No. She’s got five to ten in the pen 

I’m sure that you still love her”

Then her father intervened 

“Mercedes, please be calm 

You’ve got to learn some self-control 

Listen to your step-mom” 

“I hate you! I hate you!” She barked

Mercedes stormed below

But only to fight nausea 

From hull that rocked and rolled 

Pearl wrapped arms around Steve Koopman

Pondered unwanted freight

Time would come to dump Mercedes

To jettison dead weight  

Steve Koopman sighed and told her 

This view reminds him of Izzy

“I wonder if he’d like this tour 

Or if he misses me..” 

***

High in the Andes, a problem

Llama, alpaca missing

The herders struck by revelation

Creature nightly visiting 

Reports in Quechua blast out

Of beast wrapped up in fur

A massive thing with spots of black 

No puma, they were sure 

Trackers found prints in the snow 

Was it hoof? Or were they boot? 

Judging from their depth folks figured

Four hundred pounds… a brute 

Elders told tale of times gone by 

Only on coldest years

When evil enters hearts of men

An ice demon creeps near

Ruprecht they called him long ago 

Justice kept him busy 

This moonless Christmas he’s returned 

But now they call him: Izzy 

***

THE END 

***