#39 Four Tools to Overcome People-Pleasing

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[00:00:23] Natalie: Hey all, this is my 39th episode. Woohoo. I'm so happy that you're here and today we are talking about people pleasing. I hope you find this episode helpful, and if you do, please share it with a friend, whether via text or WhatsApp or Instagram. I'm really working to grow the listener base, and if each person sends it to one person, that will make a huge impact.

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[00:01:13] Natalie: So I'm gonna ask you to rate yourself one to 10. How is your joy today?

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[00:01:29] Natalie: How is your wellbeing?

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[00:02:00] Natalie: Today we're talking about people pleasing. Now people pleasing is something that so many people suffer from or struggle with, I would say is a better way of putting it, especially women. And I think women especially because they are by nature, nurturing, caring, compassionate people. What happens with those great qualities is that sometimes people overextend themselves and people pleasing is all about putting other people's needs and desires ahead of your own self, often at the expense of your own wellbeing.

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[00:03:05] Natalie: Women should always help with the kids. Women should always help with the home and the household. And even though we're seeing lots of examples now of men taking on more roles in the household it still is traditionally women that are in the household doing most of the child rearing, doing most of the housework, and that kind of has a ripple effect and it goes outside as well.

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[00:03:52] Natalie: And these might be things outside of that woman's actual rule, but she's just asked to do it anyway.

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[00:04:09] Natalie: Despite your incredible exhaustion, you agree to help because you don't wanna let them down. This is a classic example of people pleasing. And let me tell you, I used to be that person, but deep, deep, deep down within that person is still there. And it is really, a journey to be able to move out of people pleasing into prioritizing your own self and your own wellbeing.

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[00:05:02] Natalie: So I want you to think of yourself on a boat. Okay. And everybody else is on their boat too. So when you're people pleasing, it's like you are ripping pieces of your boat and you're throwing it to other people. But what happens to your boat is you keep ripping off all the pieces. Well, eventually your boat's gonna look pretty raggedy.

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[00:05:36] Natalie: And this is the same thing that's happening with our wellbeing.

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[00:06:01] Natalie: When you continue to put others before yourself, it leads to burnout, resentment, and a lack of fulfillment because then you can't do what you wanna do. People pleasing is also very emotional. It can take a strong emotional toll because every time that you are choosing to do something for somebody else, you are pushing your own desires down, and so then you're going to get frustrated angry and resentful. Because you're saying yes when you actually wanna say no, this creates an internal conflict. And it's like you're battling with your own self and that conflict can weigh on you a lot long after the decision has already been made. Okay. I just recently, just on the weekend, I had to make a decision to say no to something and I still feel like, oh man, maybe I made the wrong choice and it's not even something I can do. The situation has come and gone. But sometimes it's a lot of, you feel like you're in a tug of war. Sometimes other people don't want to hear the no, and they want you to always be there for them.

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[00:07:40] Natalie: So if that happens, then again, you go back to a different kind of a relational conflict because you're saying yes to them, but inside your heart, inside your spirit, you want nothing to do with this situation. it's almost like walking on eggshells at times.

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[00:08:15] Natalie: You don't even know what you want anymore. You don't know what your needs are. You don't know what your goals are. And I see this happen a lot specifically with mothers, and this is because mothers put everybody before themselves. They put their kids before themselves. They put their partners and spouses before themselves.

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[00:08:56] Natalie: And they're looking to finally prioritize their wellness again because they just realize like, I can't keep going like this. I feel so disconnected from myself. And they don't like that feeling of emptiness, that feeling of a lack of fulfillment, a lack of purpose.

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[00:09:34] Natalie: My needs aren't valid. I don't deserve to be happy.

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[00:10:06] Natalie: Okay? Your value does not come from other people, and your value does not come from what you do. Your value is inherent to you and to your being. So if you are being, if you are present, then you are valuable.

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[00:10:46] Natalie: This worry of rejection or someone abandoning us is really unhealthy because it shows the power dynamic, right? That person has a hold over you, that you have given them, and you need to kind of get to a place in the relationship where you're like, if the people around me respect my boundaries, then I know I'm in the right company.

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[00:11:21] Natalie: And you have to move forward, and I promise you, you'll be lighter, okay? People should not be able to stay in your life, or at least they should not be able to have close access to you if they can't respect your boundaries and the choices that you make for yourself or for your wellbeing.

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[00:12:01] Natalie: And so they would rather sacrifice their own needs for the happiness of others. They think that other people's happiness is their responsibility, and if that is you, we have to reframe our thinking. Everybody is responsible for their own happiness. Everybody is responsible for their own peace. Everybody is responsible for their own joy.

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[00:13:05] Natalie: And that's not a healthy way to show up and serve anyways, so it actually taints what you're doing. And I'm gonna tell you like I'm not telling you this stuff sitting on a high chair. I have been through the people pleasing journey all too many times and it is something I continuously work on. It probably something I will have to work on my whole life.

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[00:13:53] Natalie: I felt like that was what good people do and I wanted to be a helpful person.

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[00:14:11] Natalie: And I would really struggle and wrestle and try to figure out all of these unique ways to get something done, and it would just leave me so exhausted, so stressed, so frustrated, and I just realized like, I don't wanna live this life anymore. And to be honest, I probably would still be a very major people pleaser if it wasn't for my husband, because my husband is very different from me.

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[00:14:59] Natalie: Most times the answer is no, because when he gives his yes, He really does wanna do the thing. So if he doesn't wanna do it, he's just gonna default to no. And at first I thought it was really kind of ridiculous and I was like, you can't just keep saying no to so many people. But he was like, yes I can.

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[00:15:44] Natalie: And it really starts with a practicing. You really have to establish your boundaries. And in order to establish your boundaries, you need to know what your priorities are first, because you need to know what are the boundaries protecting., I'm about 92%, but I will be very honest with you,

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[00:16:12] Natalie: And they completely drained my time and energy and the problem was, I was going to use that evening to record this very safe podcast that I'm doing right now, and I just could not get the energy to record the podcast.

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[00:17:10] Natalie: And so when you are a people pleaser or you do people pleasing actions or behaviors, it throws you off of alignment of how you want it to show up, because I like to have my podcast scheduled to go it at 2:00 AM My email goes out at 7:05 AM. So, this is a really good example for me, because it shows me areas that I can still work on and areas where I can still grow. And if you're in a situation where you feel like you made the wrong choice and you kind of gave in because of people pleasing and you didn't want to, I don't want you to sit there and feel bad about it, or you can just sit and reflect and say, okay, what would I do differently next time?

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[00:18:04] Natalie: So,

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[00:18:29] Natalie: When you're able to stop people pleasing, you reclaim the power to shape your own path and to live the life that you want, and you want to align your actions with your true self. And by doing so, you honor your values, you nurture your dreams, and you pave the way for a life that is uniquely and unapologetically yours .

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[00:19:12] Natalie: And the reason that this is so helpful is because so many times we make up these huge catastrophic outcomes. We, we think that life is going to end, and to be honest, this, this lesson about what's the worst that could happen if I say no. I learned this from my friend in university.

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[00:19:50] Natalie: He's like, I used to be that person. And I remember he said, one day I just told myself like, I'm going to bed, I'm turning off my phone. And he is like, what's the worst that can happen? And he turned off his phone and he woke up the next day, he turned back on his phone and he was like, guess what? The world was okay. So sometimes we think that the absolute worst is gonna happen if we say no, or if we set up a set of boundary or we, uh, detach ourselves from people. But most times life goes on. They either ask somebody else or they figure out a way to do it themselves. You might not know what happens on the other side, but you know, that you feel happy, you know, that you feel joyful and that you know, that you feel peaceful. So that it's worth it.

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[00:20:46] Natalie: The second tool is to take account of your feelings and thoughts throughout the day. And it's not about, you know, recording all the bad that has happened to you. But you're really just taking account of your emotional triggers and patterns.

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[00:21:19] Natalie: And the way to identify it is by how you feel, right? I'm not saying don't be a helpful person, don't help people, but people pleasing is because you put yourself at, at a negative because you're putting other people's needs first, right? If you're just helping someone and it doesn't hurt you in any way, it doesn't take away from you in any way, then that's completely fine.

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[00:22:05] Natalie: And if you don't write things out a lot on a digital calendar, you can look at the entries in a planner or you can even go through photos on your phone to help you, but you're just gonna try to take an audit of things you've done over the last few months. Six months might be too much. It depends. Some people do a lot, some people don't do a lot, they just choose a time period.

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[00:22:50] Natalie: I'm not even doing the things. That I wanna do my time, my energy, my money, my joy is being taken up by other people. And so that can help you realize just how much of your life you've spent, people pleasing, and you can know what to, what to adjust. And I find that really helpful. I love looking at my calendar and if you can, I would even suggest if you're a visual person, color coding it and color code, the different events in your calendar.

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[00:23:37] Natalie: And I refuse to give all my Saturdays to other people. So I have at least a very minimum of one Saturday a month that is blocked off for me. This is a family rule. That's something my husband and I do too, and it's something that we will raise our son to do as well. We're not gonna be doing anything for anybody else on that weekend.

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[00:24:12] Natalie: And the last tool that you can use, it's called the no challenge.

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[00:24:33] Natalie: It might be something as simple as when you're at the drive through and they ask you, do you wanna upsize your fries? You say, no. Just get into the habit and practice of saying no. The more you say no, the more comfortable you become with the word, and this will help you practice setting boundaries and prioritizing your own needs.

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[00:25:15] Natalie: Or is it taking you closer to the destination of what someone else wants out of their life? Because there's only two destinations. It's either you're going in the direction of where you wanna go or you're going the direction of somebody else's destination. I want you to know that you can still show up authentically and you can still serve others without being a pushover. You need to know what your priorities and boundaries are, and you need to be okay with saying no.

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[00:25:57] Natalie: with each. No. I am creating a life that's uniquely mine.

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[00:26:32] Natalie: But I want you to endeavor. I want you to try, I want you to make an effort to put your wellbeing first, to to raise it, to elevate it, because you are worth protecting. Your wellbeing is worth protecting. If you're on your own wellness journey or you wanna get started, you can download a free wellness assessment in the show notes to show you what areas need the most immediate attention in order to work towards the highest version of yourself.

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