Not every relationship is meant to last forever.

But not every relationship needs to end either.

Sometimes the real question isn’t stay or go — it’s something more nuanced.

In this game episode, Dr. Darcy Sterling joins me for Cut, Keep or Redefine — where we break down real-life relationship scenarios and decide what’s actually worth holding onto… and what isn’t.

From friendship breakups to dating after divorce, these are the kinds of situations that don’t have easy answers — but say a lot about what we value, what we tolerate, and what we’re no longer willing to ignore.

🎲 In this episode:

We react to scenarios like:

• A long-term friendship that feels more draining than supportive
• Outgrowing someone you’ve had years of history with
• Dating someone who feels safe… but not exciting
• Strong chemistry with someone who’s emotionally inconsistent
• Rebuilding relationships after a major life shift like divorce

For each one, we decide:

Cut — it’s time to let it go

Keep — it’s worth investing in

Redefine — it stays, but in a different way

This is where things get honest, a little uncomfortable… and very real.

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What is it you associate with excitement?

Because sometimes what feels like chemistry is actually anxiety and it's not good for us.

See, it always goes back to that nervous system.

You have a longtime friend, but every time you leave her you feel drained and slightly judged.

You need to take a little bit more responsibility for how those interactions go and not just go there and be passive on the receiving end of somebody who's fire hosing negativity on on you.

After a divorce, you're dating someone who feels safe, but part of you wonders.

If you're settling safe does not mean that you're settling safe is a secure nervous system.

We want there to be some element of unpredictability in the bedroom, maybe in plans, but we don't want you questioning whether or not there will ever be plans.

Safety and security do not mean that there will not be chemistry.

You know, safety is so underrated.

You can't have pot without safety.

To go to the edge, you need to feel safe.

The name of this game is cut, keep or redefine.

So basically I'm going to give you a scenario and you tell me if we should cut it.

Like, this relationship needs to end.

If we keep it, it's worth investing in.

Or redefine it stays, but in a different form.

Okay, you have a longtime friend, but every time you leave her you feel drained and slightly judged.

Do we cut, keep or redefine?

Redefine.

Really?

Well, what does redefine mean?

You looked very serious there.

Redefine.

I meant, like, have a conversation with the friend and let them know that you need things a little different or you need to be more demonstrative.

You need to take a little bit more responsibility for how those interactions go and not just go there and be passive on the receiving end of somebody who's fire hosing negativity on on you.

That is such a common issue, by the way.

Yes.

Feeling drained.

Right.

Like after you have an interaction with somebody.

And that can be romantic or friendship.

Really.

I mean, yes, a friend who was there for you in one season of life, but now your values and lifestyles don't align at all.

Do we cut, keep or redefine?

I suppose qualifiers don't count.

This is like a very black and white game.

No, you.

Can you add in whatever you think.

I would think that it depends on the values and the principles.

Like, I don't think we can silo ourselves and only be around people who reflect us.

Exactly.

I think that that is limiting.

I think it's unrealistic and I think it is boring.

Half the country wouldn't talk to each other if that were the case.

And then in every family, just about there would be members who couldn't talk to each other.

I am done not talking to people.

When I say redefine, I say again, take some responsibility for how those relationships work.

And if you don't see them very often, then what's the harm in keeping them?

You notice you're the only one always reaching out, making plans or keeping the friendship alive.

Redefine again.

I'm going to land in the middle for everything because I want to negotiate.

I want to negotiate for everything.

I would, I would say I feel like, like I'm, you know, I would like you to initiate, not I feel like I would like it if you would initiate plans more often.

Can you please initiate plans every other time period?

And what if the pattern still stays the same?

What if they don't change?

How hurtful is it to you?

Is it okay for you to be the person that makes that?

Maybe that's just your strengths.

Can that be okay?

You meet someone kind, emotionally available and consistent, but you don't feel strong.

Chemistry, what do we do?

I think that we often confuse chemistry for uncertainty in society.

For there to be a sexual attraction, there needs to be elements that you can't predict.

There needs to be uncertainty.

So uncertainty is good in small doses.

But you can't have a situation where there's absolutely no attraction to each other.

You use that as an opportunity to reflect on your own relationship patterns to learn more about yourself.

What is it you associate with excitement?

Because sometimes what feels like chemistry is actually anxiety and, and it's not good for us.

Is that right?

It's really like built up anxiety.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Because small doses of uncertainty are fine in the beginning of a relationship especially.

It's, it's necessary in the whole seduction aspect of waiting.

But if it tips into, I feel unsteady in myself, I feel unsteady in the relationship.

I don't really know where I am in the relationship.

The problem is, is that we train ourselves that, oh, this is what the flutters feel like, this is what the fluttering in my chest feels like, this is what attraction feels like.

But if that doesn't dissipate over time, then that has actually and you still tolerate that.

You're training your nervous system to tolerate low levels of anxiety over time and Then you know, if, God willing, that relationship ends because it's not going to be a good one for you.

And then you get in front of the next cons human being and you're like, my heart isn't racing.

Well, maybe that's an opportunity to do some reparative work on yourself to see if maybe what has happened is you have linked up neurologically.

Anxiety with chemistry, they're not the same thing.

See, it always goes back to that nervous system.

Always.

Literally everything does.

Everything.

Everything.

The opposite.

You feel intense chemistry with someone, but they're inconsistent and slightly avoidant.

Cut.

There we go.

You're like, that one is black and white, cut and run.

No.

Slightly avoidant.

No.

Because here's the thing.

You're not changing people.

You have to evaluate your partner for who they are today and not who you hope they're going to be or hope they might return to.

Who are they today?

That is the greatest indicator that in history of who they're going to be.

And if all the person has shown you is avoidance or inconsistency, if they.

If they are unavailable on Friday, you know, suddenly available on.

On Sunday and on Monday, making you feel crazy because you were questioning it.

No.

Cut.

Oh, God.

This is like what I'm hearing now from friends that have gotten out of relationships and are dating these new people.

And it's like, this is.

I'm seeing something very different than what you're seeing.

Oh, my goodness.

Turn it into a fun little drinking game at night and like, just help them.

Help them.

Swipe, swipe left.

Yes, yes, exactly.

Like, pass.

Keep going.

After a divorce, you're dating someone who feels safe, but part of you wonders if you're settling right.

That's common.

So that's very similar to the anxiety one that we had.

Safe does not mean that you're settling.

Safe is a secure nervous system.

We don't want your nervous system jittery.

We want there to be some element of unpredictability in the bedroom, maybe in plans.

But we don't want you questioning whether or not there will ever be plans because the person is that unavailable.

So safety and security do not mean that there will not be chemistry.

Keep.

You know, safety is so underrated.

It is so underrated.

Right?

It's so underrated.

We're always looking for, like the hot.

Thing and like the excitement and the.

Passion can be hot.

You can't have hot without safety.

To go to the edge, you need to feel safe.

Unless you're reckless and you probably haven't lived to Be our age if you are.

So there must be a foundation of safety to do the wild things.

Good point.

Particularly in the bedroom.

Yes.

You've done a lot of personal growth on yourself and now most people around you feel like they haven't.

What do you do that's such a real problem?

So when you've done a lot of work on yourself, the world becomes a very lonely place.

I have often fantasized about putting together a dating app where people's relationship skills were ranked and their emotional intelligence was ranked so that people could see each other's EQ and relationship skills and like appropriately match with each other.

I'm also naming it publicly so that I can go for come for you if you ever come up with this.

Not you but anybody, anybody makes this idea.

But it is a real, it's a real problem.

It can feel incredibly lonely.

You have to find spaces where emotionally intelligent people and people into self growth are likely to be so that you can expand your world.

You don't want a clean house, you know, you're, your tribe is very important.

You don't need everybody to be, I don't know, enlightened.

You don't need everyone to be able to have a conversation like the one I can have with you that would be miserable if you had too many of me in your life.

You need like one of me or a half of me or maybe even a quarter of me.

Then a lot of other diversity, you know, so people that are cheating, just drinking the Kool aid, who understand the language and are conversant in it, but they don't want to go two miles deep on every topic the way I do.

So you have to find spaces where people are more likely to gravitate who are into personal growth.

So go, go on retreats, growth retreats, you know, go join, join live classes where people are learning this stuff, where they're learning about emotional intelligence, where they're lear about relationship skills.

Find like minded people go, you know, do meetups and not just the good ones with the Michelin star restaurants like I love those too.

But they're not always going to get you in contact with people who have, who are going to be able to meet you where you're at and challenge you because you've done that kind of work.

You kind of want someone to be able to push on you.

You want that, you want somebody who can challenge you.

You don't want all of yourself.

Right.

It's kind of like being intelligent and being the smartest one in the room.

That's a lonely place, I would imagine.

I don't often find myself as that person, but I know a lot of people who are the smartest people in the room, and they tell me it's very lonely.

You would think you'd want some, like, you're saying that challenge and that you.

Want someone who can press against you and.

And challenge your thoughts and your thinking and your feeling on topics.

That's what we want.

We want someone who can press back.

We want a sparring partner.

Yes.

There's nothing better, right?

I don't think there's anything better.

Right.

You like that excitement as long as it's done respectfully.

Right.

Like, that's why you need safety.

Yeah, exactly.

See, we love safety.

We love it.