Shownotes
Are you an overwhelmed mom of a gay or lesbian teen who's feeling lost trying to navigate the coming out process, and wants to let go of shame and embarrassment, as well as build a deeper connection of trust within yourself and your teen? Click here to learn how to work with me 1-1.
You may have said, “Let’s not tell anyone yet,” believing you were protecting your child.
And maybe you were trying to.
But what if that silence communicated something deeper than you intended?
In this episode, Heather explores the emotional impact of secrecy after a child comes out. She names the fears many parents feel: fear of judgment, conflict, misunderstanding, or how others might react and gently challenges the hidden cost of making silence the family norm.
You’ll hear:
- what secrecy can communicate to a child
- how protection can unintentionally become shame
- why hiding creates distance, even in loving families
- the difference between privacy and secrecy
- one powerful question every parent needs to ask
If you’ve ever felt torn between loving your child and fearing the world’s response, this conversation will help you move from fear toward understanding, and from silence toward connection.
Hi, I’m Heather Hester, and I’m so glad you’re here!
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At the heart of my work is a deep commitment to compassion, authenticity, and transformative allyship, especially for those navigating the complexities of parenting LGBTQ kids. Through this podcast, speaking, my writing, and the spaces I create, I help people unlearn bias, embrace their full humanity, and grow their capacity for courageous, compassionate connection.
For parents, allies, and those pioneering a way to lead with love and kindness, I’m here with true, messy, and heart-warming stories, real tools, and grounding support to help you move from fear to fierce, informed action.
Whether you’re listening in, working with me directly, or quietly taking it all in, I see you. And I’m so glad you’re part of this journey.
More Human. More Kind. formerly Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen is a safe and supportive podcast in a heartfelt and empowering space where a mom and advocate offers practical guidance and education to parents and allies, fostering empathy, kindness, love, and strong boundaries while supporting LGBTQ teens and the diverse LGBTQ community—including gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, transgender, and queer individuals—through conversations about mental health, grief, gender identity, sexual orientation, human rights, social justice, parenting, parent support, and meaningful LGBTQ allyship and allyship in action.
This podcast uses the following third-party services for analysis:
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Transcripts
In today's episode, we're talking about what your child hears when you say, let's not tell anyone yet.
Speaker A:Welcome to More Human, More Kind.
Speaker A:I'm Heather Hester, author, speaker, and advocate for LGBTQ youth and the families who love them.
Speaker A:This show is for the parent who's holding it together on the outside, while inside, your nervous system is bracing for impact.
Speaker A:Here, we tell the truth gently.
Speaker A:We unlearn what fear has taught, taught us, and we build the kind of internal safety that lets you lead with love instead of panic.
Speaker A:You're not broken.
Speaker A:You're human.
Speaker A:Let's dive in.
Speaker A:Welcome to More Human, More Kind.
Speaker A:I'm Heather Hester.
Speaker A:This episode is for the parent who loves their child, the parent who is trying, who wants to protect them.
Speaker A:The parent who worries about how the world might react when their child comes out.
Speaker A:So when your child told you that they were gay or trans or questioning, your instinct wasn't rejection, it was protection.
Speaker A:And that protective instinct made you say something like, let's keep this between us for now, or maybe we don't need to tell anyone yet.
Speaker A:Or, let's just keep this private.
Speaker A:You didn't mean to create distance, but intention doesn't erase impact.
Speaker A:And this is the part most parents skip over.
Speaker A:It's also the part that matters most.
Speaker A:Maybe it happened immediately, right after they told you something they may have been working up the courage to say for a very long time.
Speaker A:Mom, I'm gay.
Speaker A:And you paused.
Speaker A:And in that pause, a hundred thoughts rushed in at once.
Speaker A:Thoughts about extended family members, about church, school, your neighbors, grandparents, friends, their safety, judgment, what people might say, what people might assume, what this might mean for your child, what this might mean for you.
Speaker A:And then you said the thing that felt safest in the moment.
Speaker A:Let's not tell anyone yet.
Speaker A:You meant well.
Speaker A:You were trying to buy time, trying to protect them, trying to get your feet under you before the rest of the world got involved.
Speaker A:But what your child heard may have been something very, very different.
Speaker A:In this episode, you will discover why this reaction happens, how it quietly shapes your parenting, and what it becomes if it goes unexamined.
Speaker A:So here's what this looks like in real life.
Speaker A:In your real daily life, you avoid the topic.
Speaker A:In public, you change the subject.
Speaker A:When someone gets too close to the truth, you soften the story.
Speaker A:When talking to relatives, you say things like, they're just figuring things out.
Speaker A:Maybe you ask your child to use their old name in certain spaces.
Speaker A:Maybe you tense up when they bring a friend, a crush, a partner, a pronoun.
Speaker A:A plan.
Speaker A:Maybe you answer with I just want you to be safe instead of answering the actual question in front of you.
Speaker A:You say, this isn't everyone's business, or we just need time.
Speaker A:Maybe you say, let's not make it a big thing.
Speaker A:And that's exactly why this gets missed.
Speaker A:Because it doesn't feel cruel.
Speaker A:It feels careful.
Speaker A:It feels like love under pressure.
Speaker A:It feels like caution, but your child experiences it as hesitation.
Speaker A:You can call it privacy, but your child feels the editing.
Speaker A:You can call it protection, but your child feels the pause before your support becomes public.
Speaker A:And this is where things quietly shift.
Speaker A:Because once secrecy enters the room, your child starts learning the rules.
Speaker A:What can be said and what can't.
Speaker A:Who is safe, who isn't.
Speaker A:Which version of them is easier for you to carry?
Speaker A:Not all at once, but enough.
Speaker A:And let's be clear, privacy is not the problem.
Speaker A:Privacy says you get to share your story in your own time, in your own way.
Speaker A:Secrecy says this part of you needs to stay hidden because other people may not approve.
Speaker A:Privacy protects agency.
Speaker A:Secrecy protects discomfort.
Speaker A:And children can feel the difference.
Speaker A:And so your child begins to adjust.
Speaker A:They stop bringing certain things to you.
Speaker A:They watch your face before they finish a sentence.
Speaker A:They test the waters before they tell you anything real.
Speaker A:They learn to edit their thoughts and feelings and stories in real time.
Speaker A:They notice where your voice changes, where your body tightens, where the conversation gets vague, where your support suddenly becomes less certain or dependable.
Speaker A:When other people are involved and your child feels that even if they've never said it out loud.
Speaker A:So they adapt around you.
Speaker A:Not because they don't love you, not because they're trying to punish you, but because they are paying attention.
Speaker A:They start being careful about where they show up as their full self.
Speaker A:They start deciding what version of the truth is easiest to bring home.
Speaker A:And slowly, quiet message takes root.
Speaker A:This part of me is welcome, but only privately.
Speaker A:This part of me is real, but not for public expression.
Speaker A:This part of me creates tension in my home or with my family.
Speaker A:That's the part no one talks about.
Speaker A:And this is where it starts costing you.
Speaker A:Because secrecy doesn't just shape your child, it reshapes you too.
Speaker A:Now you are managing two versions of your life.
Speaker A:The one where everything looks normal and the one where you are constantly monitoring what can be said, where and to whom.
Speaker A:You become hyper aware of your words, your voice, your tone, of your facial expressions and body language, of your reactions, of what might slip out of the questions that might be coming.
Speaker A:Of whether your child is noticing your hesitation and the answer is, of course they are.
Speaker A:And that kind of emotional management is exhausting.
Speaker A:And it isolates you.
Speaker A:Because now you're carrying fear, image, family dynamics, social tension, and your child's reality all the time, all by yourself, quietly, and the thing you thought was protecting your family actually starts isolating your family.
Speaker A:You probably even start to feel distance.
Speaker A:Before you can name it, the conversations get shorter.
Speaker A:There's less openness, less ease, less of that natural trust that lets a child bring you the unfiltered version of their life.
Speaker A:You feel it in your heart, and it just aches.
Speaker A:But you may not know exactly when it changed, because this didn't happen in a singular moment.
Speaker A:It happened in a hundred small ones.
Speaker A:And here's the part parents don't always see right away.
Speaker A:When your child starts building a life where they can be fully known, they will naturally gravitate toward people and places where they don't have to edit themselves.
Speaker A:And if home still feels like the place where certain truths need to stay hidden, you may find yourself slowly losing access to parts of their real life.
Speaker A:Not all at once, just gradually.
Speaker A:They may stop sharing as much with you, stop inviting you in, stop trusting you with the most tender personal parts of their heart and soul.
Speaker A:Not because they don't love you, but because they are protecting themselves from the pain of being partially seen.
Speaker A:And that loss is heartbreaking.
Speaker A:Now, imagine for a moment a few years from now, your child has found people who they can be their full, authentic self, with friends, community, mentors, maybe a partner.
Speaker A:People who do not require them to shrink, soften, or translate themselves before they speak.
Speaker A:And they spend more time there.
Speaker A:Again, not because they don't love you, but because hiding is exhausting, because being half seen is exhausting.
Speaker A:Because people go where they can breathe, where they can fully relax.
Speaker A:And if home still feels like the place where the truth has to be managed, you will feel the cost of that.
Speaker A:You may still be in their life, you may still be loved, but you are no longer the place they come from.
Speaker A:First.
Speaker A:You are informed, but you are no longer included.
Speaker A:You hear about things after they happen.
Speaker A:You get the edited version.
Speaker A:You get what feels safe to share.
Speaker A:And that loss is brutal.
Speaker A:You thought you were protecting them and protecting the relationship, but your child experienced it as distance, fear, embarrassment, even.
Speaker A:So, let's name what is actually going on here.
Speaker A:The real issue, the root issue, isn't privacy.
Speaker A:Privacy is actually quite important for teaching autonomy and agency.
Speaker A:Privacy says this story belongs to the person living it, but secrecy says this part of you needs to be managed.
Speaker A:That is not a small distinction.
Speaker A:Secrecy emerges from fear, and from fear, there is a cascade effect.
Speaker A:Fear creates hesitation.
Speaker A:Hesitation creates inconsistency.
Speaker A:Inconsistency erodes trust.
Speaker A:And without trust, connection becomes surface level.
Speaker A:That's what this becomes if it goes unexamined.
Speaker A:Not privacy, Secrecy.
Speaker A:And when secrecy becomes the family rule, identity starts to feel like something that must be contained.
Speaker A:That is where Shane snakes its way in.
Speaker A:So here's the question I want to leave with you.
Speaker A:Are you protecting your child's well being?
Speaker A:Or are you trying to protect yourself from other people's reactions to your child's truth?
Speaker A:Because those are not the same thing.
Speaker A:And your answer matters.
Speaker A:This is exactly the kind of work I do with parents.
Speaker A:Not with judgment or with pressure, but with honesty, compassion, and real support.
Speaker A:Together, we unpack the fear.
Speaker A:Underneath the silence, underneath the secrecy.
Speaker A:We make space for the grief, the confusion, the protective instinct, and the very human desire to get this right.
Speaker A:And together, we build something steadier.
Speaker A:The confidence to show up with love that does not hide, boundaries that protect connection and language that helps your child feel seen instead of managed.
Speaker A:You were never meant to navigate this alone.
Speaker A:If this episode felt uncomfortable, that doesn't mean that you have failed.
Speaker A:It may simply mean you're standing at the edge of something important.
Speaker A:This is where curiosity matters.
Speaker A:This is where courage begins.
Speaker A:You can choose differently from here.
Speaker A:You can repair.
Speaker A:And you can learn how to become a safer place for your child to land.
Speaker A:And if you want support in that process, I'd be honored to walk with you.
Speaker A:Until next time, keep choosing what's real and what's kind.
