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Ep 1: What Is People Pleasing?
Episode 1 • 27th August 2024 • Diary of a Recovering People Pleaser • Jenny Leckey
00:00:00 00:14:04

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"People pleasing means you've been giving away your trust to other people. You trust in other people. You're just worrying about what they feel, and you trust that if they make a decision, okay, I'll just go along with it. That's not trusting yourself."-Jenny Leckey

In this episode of Diary of a Recovering People Pleaser , Jenny talks about how she defines people pleasing in a different way than you might have heard in therapy or seen online.

She dives into how the habit of people pleasing comes from looking outside yourself for guidance instead of trusting your inner guidance system. Jenny also shares how it all connects to your spiritual side and your higher self. She gives easy steps to start listening to your own intuition to make your own soul- aligned choices instead of always trying to make others happy.

Change won’t happen overnight, but consistent small steps can lead to big improvements. Tune in to learn easy steps you can implement today to stop abandoning yourself and start feeling stronger and more confident!

Interested in being a guest on the show? Email Jenny: info@meditatewithjenny.com

  • Work with Jenny - Book 1:1 Reiki or psychic channeled reading sessions. Offered virtually or in person in Buffalo, NY. Jenny also offers Reiki certification classes!

Copyright 2024 Jenny Leckey LLC

Transcripts

Jenny:

What is people pleasing?

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There are so many different definitions,

perspectives, takes on people pleasing.

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I don't think that's a very

easy question to answer.

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But I'm going to try.

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So I've been on this healing

journey for quite a while now.

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How do you pinpoint when you start?

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Sometimes you literally are like,

I can't take this anymore, and you,

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I don't know, find a therapist and

start working through your shit.

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But sometimes it's also a subtle thing.

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Little tips and hints you pick up

from people along the way start

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to add up, you start to implement

them, which starts to open your

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eyes to see patterns in your life.

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I think that's more of the path

that I've been on it's tied hands

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with my spiritual journey, so let

me bring my worlds together for you.

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This is my ever evolving definition

or description of people pleasing.

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So people pleaser, first of all,

you're giving yourself a label.

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So you're putting yourself in a box.

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I know that my podcast is called

Diary of a Recovering People Pleaser.

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That's to get your attention because

I know you're calling yourself that.

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First step, Is to look at it as a habit,

a way of responding, not as an identity.

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So, the title's my little sneaky way

of drawing you in to then tell you to

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stop doing Because, when you do that,

you are projecting the power onto a

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label instead of giving yourself the

power to change the old, create new.

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Okay, that's part one.

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But even bigger than that, to

me, people pleasing is a symptom.

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Just like when you have the flu,

a symptom is getting a fever.

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As a people pleaser, the is those

habits of doing what other people

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want, trying to avoid conflict,

trying to keep everyone happy.

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And what are you doing

when you do all that?

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You're abandoning yourself.

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Now, on the other side of things,

there's a U and a U, okay?

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. Little U, big U.

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Little U is your normal

identity here in your body.

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In ness, in your humanity, okay?

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That's you, your little ego,

your brain, all that stuff.

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You're here and now, five senses.

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Sensing your environment,

looking for threats.

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Your nervous system is deciding

am I safe or not, but then you've

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got the big U, capital Y O U.

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There's all different names for this.

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Highest self.

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Inner being, your soul, whatever you

want to call it, it doesn't matter.

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All you need to understand is

that's the true essence of you.

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The idea that resonates most with me is

that a part of that soul, that highest

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self, is connected and within this human

body and is having this human experience.

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So when you people please, what you've

done is essentially disconnected yourself

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from your highest self.

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Because you always have a pipeline.

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You always have a connection.

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People call it intuition,

gut feeling, I just knew.

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That's all signs that's all information

coming from your highest self.

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Most of the time.

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I guess I shouldn't make

generalities across the board,

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but you get what I'm saying.

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So, when you people please, you are

looking to the external world for

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information about what to do next.

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And ignoring your intuition, you start

to get worried because the feedback from

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your environment is that it triggered your

nervous system and saying you're not safe.

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So then you start to change your

habits or you start scrambling for

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another choice to make yourself feel

safe by either, Over apologizing,

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doing things that other people want

to do that you don't want to do.

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So much so to the point that a lot

of people don't even know what they

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personally like or want anymore

because that's what they've always

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done, what the other person wants.

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Your higher self, your inner

being, your soul, is like, Hello?

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Is this thing on?

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Tapping the mic?

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Where is she?

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Where is he?

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Where are they?

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Where are ya?

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Because you've abandoned yourself,

and that feels like shit.

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So, until you wake up out of

that trance of people pleasing,

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you're going to stay stuck.

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The fact that you're here listening to

this is just proof that you're not stuck

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because you would not have gravitated

towards even listening to this if

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there wasn't some awareness within you.

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You wouldn't even know you're

people pleasing if you were

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still totally in a trance.

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It would just be how things are, right?

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I lived part of my life that way.

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I don't even know when I learned

what people pleasing is, but I

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sure didn't know what it was,

like, teenage years, 20 something.

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People just jokingly called me Mother Hen.

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Now I know what it meant.

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It was like, people pleaser galore, right?

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Okay, circling back though.

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The reason this is, to me, is a

symptom of a problem is because when

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you are totally in alignment, you are

listening to your inner guidance system.

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When you are listening to your

intuition, your gut instincts,

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when you're listening to that and making

decisions from your inner Sovereignty?

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you don't question what you're

doing because you feel strength

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and grounded and confident.

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When you are making your decisions

based off of what other people want

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from you, of course you're going to

feel scattered, and frustrated, and

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often resentful, or alone, or stressed.

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Because you're not listening to your

inner compass, your inner guidance

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system, you're listening to other people.

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And those people might be

listening to their inner guidance

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system, , you're tuned in to a

totally different radio station.

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You're not even listening to your

own music, your own inner DJ.

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You're listening to other people's music,

and you don't even like it, but you're

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trying to control their radio stations.

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When all you need to do is listen.

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Switch the dial to tuning

in to your inner self.

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And when you do that, and you start

oscillating between the two, you're

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gonna notice a drastic difference

because there's relief when you

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start tuning in to yourself.

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And then when you go back to

your habit of people pleasing,

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it's going to feel even ickier.

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It's going to feel heavy.

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You're going to feel downtrodden.

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You're going to feel like, You are

stuck in the mud, because you are.

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You're giving your energy over

to someone else's energy field.

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And that's not what we're meant to do.

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Now I'm not saying to go out there

and be a jackass to people and say,

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My inner being said to do this.

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Because it's always for the

highest good of all, okay?

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That's not what I'm saying.

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I'm saying people pleasing is a

symptom of abandoning yourself,

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your connection between you and you.

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Now how do you find this connection?

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, quieting your mind is the first step,

whether that's going out in nature,

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taking a walk, swimming in some water

outside, some body of water, breath work,

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breathing, like purposely breathing.

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Meditating, of course,

is one of my go tos.

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, getting some sort of treatment done,

whether it's Reiki, acupuncture, some

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type of hands on healing, massage.

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, I don't care what it is, but something to

get you out of your mind and get you in

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the present moment, , in the here and now.

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And connect with , your body again,

because your body is the vessel that

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connects you to your highest self.

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That's the first step.

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And then the next step

is trusting yourself.

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When you get those nudges, when

you get those intuitive hits,

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when you get those Aha moments.

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Actually trusting yourself.

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People pleasing means you've been

giving away your trust to other people.

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You trust in other people.

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You're just worrying about what

they feel and you trust that if they

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make a decision that, okay, I'll

just go along with it, that's fine.

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If they dictate how a relationship

runs, okay, that's fine.

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You're putting all the trust

in other people and you totally

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abandon trusting yourself.

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So if you could start small, even

if it means, say you're with your co

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workers and they want to go grab coffee.

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And you really are not in the mood for

it, but , you always feel obliged to go,

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even though you don't really like coffee.

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Say, oh no, I'm good.

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I'm weaning myself off coffee.

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Nah, not today.

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Thanks for inviting me though.

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Start there.

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See if you can handle the tension

of them saying, Wow, seriously?

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You're not drinking coffee?

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Can you handle that tension?

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I know it sounds silly and arbitrary,

but damn, does that stuff hit when

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you are a hardcore people pleaser.

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Any of that uncomfortableness feels

like a volcanic eruption of emotions.

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It does.

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I laugh because I'm laughing at myself.

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I totally get that that can be intense.

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But if you can start small, and keep

going back to yourself, within, for

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guidance on how to handle the tension,

guidance on what to do next, eventually

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you'll find that that's more comfortable,

and you're naturally going to start

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gravitating to doing that, than

worrying about what's on the outside.

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Now, does this happen overnight?

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Hell no!

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Part of being a pupil pleaser, your

brain's involved here, you've got

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neuron connections, you've got pathways.

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Essentially what I'm saying is

you have deep seated habits and

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beliefs behind those habits.

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So this shit's not gonna

change overnight by any means.

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But, you plan on living the

next days, weeks, months, and

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years of your life, don't you?

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You're going to go on with your life.

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Wouldn't you like to maybe have that

life look a little different from

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the past 20, 40 years of your life?

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It starts here and now.

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It starts with the, I don't

want coffee, no thank you.

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It starts with the , little

choices I can make.

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And eventually, they

become more comfortable.

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It becomes more fun.

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A reoccurring habit.

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And then you start rewiring your brain,

and it starts looking at situations

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differently, and you start approaching

relationships in a different way,

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and your value system shifts, and

the stories you tell yourself shift.

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And then over time, you'll look back over

the course of six months, a year, two

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years, You'll look at old text messages

or emails or messages from people and

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you'll think, who was that person who

wrapped up in all of this, drama?

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I don't even resonate

with that person anymore.

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Who wrote this?

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Because it sure wasn't me.

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And it wasn't current to you.

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It wasn't from a healed space.

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It was from the disconnected outer

world seeking people please self.

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And then when you have

those aha moments, whoo!

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Such a reward in that, you're

like, holy shit, I have changed!

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Ugh!

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That's the icing on the cake right there,

when you can actually See the physical

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evidence of how your little moment

by moment effort has really paid off.

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Now what?

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You're like, great.

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That sounds wonderful in theory.

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What the hell am I supposed to do first?

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Because this is how I've

always lived my life.

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I, I totally get it.

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And you're going to slip up and you just

need to come up to the point, you need

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to come to the point where you're like,

I know I tend to people, please with

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this person, that person, this situation.

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And I accept that for now.

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And I know that when I catch it, I'm

going to work on it little by little.

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That's, you just need

to come to that point.

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Yes, and yes, I tend to people

please with my mom, my brother,

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my spouse, my co workers.

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Yes, I tend to do that and I'm gonna

try out a little bit of meditation

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to clear my mind and see what comes

through and I'm gonna try saying no

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to one thing every day and see if I

can work through it for a whole month.

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And, I'm going to journal about my

feelings, and I'm going to actually

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start telling people I need a

little bit to think about something

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instead of reacting in the moment

and automatically saying yes.

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That's how change begins

so what can you do?

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This is a personal decision right now.

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Start where the stakes aren't as high.

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Do not start with your direct

family relationships and those

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deeply entrenched feelings.

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Don't start with all that.

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Start with the lighter stuff.

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Your outer circle.

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Start small.

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Where can you start today?

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Yes, I people please with

this person, place, or thing.

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And, I'm going to try this

out to see what happens.

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Just be curious.

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Stay curious.

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Not attached.

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Just be curious.

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Light and breezy.

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Easy peasy.

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No worries.

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Just try it.

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Just see.

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Just see what happens.

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There's nothing serious going on here.

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You're just trying something.

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That's all.

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So make that commitment to yourself, and

I don't know if you're a tech person, but

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me, I love my Reminders app on my phone.

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I also love Google Keep.

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They're game changers for me.

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So you can set a reoccurring reminder

on your calendar app, a reminder

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app, to literally remind you to do

something, whether it's meditation,

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breath work, saying no to one small

thing every day, whatever it is.

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Make that commitment to yourself

because you can listen to all the

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podcast episodes in the world, read

all the inspirational quotes in

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the world, and read all the books.

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That's fine and dandy, but jack shit

will change unless you actually start

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making the physical action towards change.

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Nothing will change.

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You will just become a perpetual

learner and you will start hiding behind

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information instead of implementing it.

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I speak from experience.

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So just know that you are worthy.

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You are your own sovereign special

being who has the superpower connection.

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To your inner being, or your

highest self, or your soul.

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And you have access to that 24

7 and have every right to access

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that to make any decision.

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And you deserve to have that be numero

uno in any decision making situation.

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Start relying on that connection

and it will actually benefit and

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enhance your human connections.

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Thanks for being open minded about this.

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I would love to hear your feedback.

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Drop me a comment or send me an email.

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I want to know how this resonated

with you and how things are going.

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Take it easy!

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