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Rising Up From the Ashes of Addiction with Joseph DiRoma
Episode 520th March 2021 • The Becoming the Big Me Podcast • Djemilah Birnie
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In this episode of the Becoming the Big Me Podcast I have with me here today, Joseph DiRoma of The Successful Male. Joseph is a powerhouse business man, recovering addict, and all around amazing dude. He is trained in ontology, somatic disposition, emotional intelligence, and specializes in personal development and leadership. We dive deep into Joseph's story of addiction, how he's overcome, and where he is today.

Wanna connect with Joseph? Here are his links ⬇

thesuccessfulmale.com

josephdiroma@thesuccessfulmale.com

facebook.com/joseph.diroma

instagram.com/josephdiroma

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Hi! I am your host Djemilah Birnie of www.becomingthebigme.com . I have been building businesses online since the age of 17. When I discovered the power that we hold within our own minds my world truly began to change.


I love to write and have published some books, some of them have even hit some charts 😲 You can check them out here http://bit.ly/djemilahbooks


Ready to start playing BIG and step into your Big Me potential by harnessing the power of your mind? Then make sure you join the free Rewire challenge to get all the tools you need! https://www.djemilah.com/rewirechallenge


Don't forget to check out the little lady's podcast "A Kid's Perspective" where she answers your questions on all of life's most pressing issues, in her eyes, a kid! http://bit.ly/akidsperspective


Let's Connect! #allthelinks ⬇


https://djemilah.com/

https://www.facebook.com/djemilah/


https://www.instagram.com/mimi.the.genie/


https://www.tiktok.com/@djemilah

Transcripts

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Alright. Welcome back to The becoming the big knee podcast.

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solopreneurs. Saturday, I have Joseph here with me today. I'm

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so excited to introduce Joseph to Joseph is a new field

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certified coach trained in ontology, somatic disposition,

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emotional intelligence, and specializes in personal

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development and leadership. Joseph first discovered his

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passion for people development, while leading teams and

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operations in the hospitality industry. Being a product of

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personal transformation himself, he wanted to provide support for

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others to discover their potential and get at the

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successful male Joseph is leading the way towards

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developing a global community of men into better versions of

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themselves, more purposeful, more confident, more motivated,

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high character leaders to impact their families, communities, and

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nations. Welcome, Joseph to the show. I'm so excited to have you

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here.

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Oh, thank you. That sounds I should have you read that more

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often. For me, whenever I'm going anywhere, stopped at a red

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light or anything, you know,

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I'll be a personal introduction.

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It's great.

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So Joseph, so I met Joseph, very recently on an app called

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clubhouse. And I resonated with Joseph's message so much as an

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added and rising into purpose. And Joseph has struggled through

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the addiction path as well. So I would just love it if we could

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just dive headfirst into the deep end. And I'd love to hear

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your background, Joseph.

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Sure. Um, you know, I guess like most of us, I started, you know,

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middle school, high school with a little dabble here and there

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of getting involved with drugs and alcohol. And, you know, I

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think the real catalyst for me was, you know, my, my

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grandfather, passing away on my first day of high school and

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dealing with my first real tragedy, right, like, dealing

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with the first time ever in my life, that something so unfair,

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and just that part of life that you just cannot even believe is

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real or happening and you know, he was 70 was pancreatic cancer.

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He was like a goddamn saint. I mean, because he met my

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grandmother and, and left the seminary as a Catholic priest,

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to go live a life with her, you know, and was always involved in

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social work, and just a high character and high spiritual

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man. And the, the the life chance happening that there is

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all the time that tragedy of life, took him from us very

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quickly, very abruptly, and robbed him of a lot of years and

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a lot of my time with him and I took that on very selfishly. I

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turned My back on God, I turned my back on all of my friends

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that were positive in there. And I just went into a deep hole. I

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had already been long before that started manipulation,

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lying, cheating, stealing things like that. I mean, there was

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times that I in sixth grade, I was grounded for six months, one

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time in my room, and I just sat there and listened to music

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every day, because this was before, TVs were in rooms and

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all that, you know, so. But what that started is it is, you know,

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I didn't have any way of coping with a lot of life that was

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happening. I didn't know everything was just way too

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bright, way too painful, just way too much life. And I didn't

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want to exist. And, you know, I checked into a residential

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psychiatric hospital because I wanted to take my own life, I

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was self harming. And I'll never forget this I was in. I was in

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the hospital as the second day. And one of my best friends, a

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girl named crystal, she was just so amazing. We had such a great

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relationship, great friendship, she made this humongous car, it

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was like huge, right and had everyone in our entire ninth

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grade class sign it. And she brought it to me and visited me.

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And, and I'll never forget getting that card, opening it

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and reading it. And really thinking in my mind, like, what

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are these people talking about? how can how could they possibly

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love me, when I hate me so much? How could this even, you know, I

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didn't feel the love that they were trying to give me to just

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lift me up, I wouldn't allow it to go in. So that really was the

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big, big point for me, of just deep diving into everything I

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can get my hands on externally, to fill this empty hole inside

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of me to fill that void, you know, as we call it, the god

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shaped hole. And I was on that path. You know, I was in

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residential rehab at 16. You know, I got in trouble with the

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law as a juvenile and then ate more times as an adult. And it

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was just a constant constant. From the time I was probably 10

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or 11 till I was 26 years old, constant trouble constant lying,

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cheating, stealing, manipulating a lot of high times as well

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where I would show up they just very Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,

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right as we call it, and you know, going through all that and

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I didn't I wasn't someone that suffered from any deep traumatic

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experiences, like a lot of our counterparts in recovery. You

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know, with physical and sexual abuse, I had emotional abuse, I

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had, you know, a father that wasn't there and dealing with

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those abandonment issues and not feeling want you know, not

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feeling love and and feeling like it's your fault. And I and

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I dealt with all that. But the biggest hurdle that I had to get

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over is being the perpetrator of injustice, not the victim of

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injustice, right, I was the one that was hurting people. I was

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the one that was objectifying and controlling and abusing

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women. I was the one that was stealing from my family and my

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friends and, and stealing cars and, and you know, doing all

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these radical radical out of character behaviors as a result

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of some some self centered resentment that the world owed

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me something. And that, you know, if everyone didn't behave

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as I wanted them to then I just couldn't live in this world. And

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eventually,

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you know,

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I just I got tired man. I just got really tired and you know,

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my mom and I lashed earlier last year we were kind of we were

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digging out some old thing my mom like saved everything so we

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were like going through a closet and had a shell he's papers from

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Florida Department of Corrections and courthouses and

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all this shit and I'm like, Mom, why? Why the hell did you ever

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save this? There's a picture of an old you know, 35 millimeter

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roll of film in there that she would take pictures and write

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the date on it of me passed out in the front yard or, you know,

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just when I'm in a blackout so like she could prove to me that

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she wasn't Bullshit, and I was the one that was full of shit.

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And so we're going through this and we calculated from the time

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I was 14 until I got off probation last time after I

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sobered up, around like 29. So I'm like 17 years, there was

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only two years where I was an under supervision from Florida

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State of Florida. You know, and yeah, that's a long time to let

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other people run your life for you and tell you what to do.

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And, again, the big thing was just and I think we talked about

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this before the other day, like overcoming that, that mindset

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that I'm the victim, or I'm not the maker of all this misery

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that I'm going through, right. So everything really changed at

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26.

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I would like to touch on one thing a little bit, because I

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know that so many people who have come from our background

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get caught up in that shame and guilt, because you're talking

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about the things that you did and, and I resonate with that a

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lot too, because I stole from people I did, I manipulated

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people, I was not a good, you know, a good person. And it took

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me a long time to get out of that guilt and that shame. And

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I, I would really like to ask, like, what was the biggest thing

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for you to shift out of that space of living, even act like

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after getting sober, of shifting out of that guilt, and that

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shame of your past and all the things that you have done and

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into the space where you are now where you are helping and

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creating? I would like to touch you touch on that a little bit?

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Yeah, absolutely. And I would say that there's three things

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specifically, that I would I would, you know, answer that

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question with the first one is, I think it's very important that

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people make a clear distinction between the emotions of guilt

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and shame. So shame is you have behaved in a manner that

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society, or your culture, or your environment that you're in

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has deemed morally wrong, right. So, like, if I go get a

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prostitute today, and I get arrested for that, like,

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Americans look at that as like, you're a POS, why are you doing

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that, but I can go choose whatever women I want out of a

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window and Thailand, and it's perfectly acceptable in their

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culture. So there's a very clear distinction, within shame

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itself, that it has to be representative of some sort of

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soul cultural or societal, you know, moral fiber that has been

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broken, right. So that's shame, right? And then guilt is

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strictly internal. So that is breaking my own moral fiber, my

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own moral code that I know, intrinsically, it is wrong, and

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I behave in that way anyways, and I'm dealing with that all

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myself, and no one ever even knows about it. Right? So

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understanding that distinction, for me was very, very helpful,

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and the language of how I talk to myself and how I feel about

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things, right. Number two is, you know, I had to, I had to get

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right, with those that I harmed. Right, and we call that making

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amends. And some of them went really well. And it was a

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spiritual experience. And then some of them were not so great,

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and they still fucking hate me. And so be it, but I did my side

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of the street and cleaned it up. And then some of them, it's just

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the best thing I can do is to never talk to them again, unless

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they reach out to me first, right? So you know, doing that

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work, and going through that process of deeply connecting

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with those I've harmed, and allowing them allowing them to

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forgive me. And I say, allow them because me accepting that

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they have forgiven me and not continue to guilt and shame

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myself, right and not be filled with remorse. And also going

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through the humility process of those that I harmed so badly

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that they're still hurt 10 and 20 years later, right? So it's

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important for me to be the receivership of their pain so

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that I can maybe get an inclination of the magnitude of

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what they feel of what I've done to them not to go and get beat

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up with them consistently by a bad I'm not a doormat, but to

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know that, hey, that's really how powerful we are as people

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and if we don't treat others with love and kindness, right or

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at least, be assertively disagreeable. Like, I don't have

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to be a dick. Then you know, do that, right. And then the last

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thing is, is

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something very specific. And it's called re Beatty, rational

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emotional behavioral therapy. And there's three self defeating

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characteristics. There's anger, there's fear, and there's guilt.

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Right? So anger is an it's all surrounding my negative self

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talk that we have. And, and anger is should so shouldn't all

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over everybody, right? Shouldn't all everybody, they should be

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doing this, they should be doing that. That guy shouldn't have

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pulled out in front of me, because, you know, he was

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driving around all afternoon looking for Jota Roma, saying,

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hey, fuck this guy, I'm gonna pull out in front of him today,

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cuz he's just that important. And it's like, no, maybe he's in

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a hurry. Maybe he's a dick. Maybe he has a pregnant wife in

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the back that her water just broke? I don't know. But I'm

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responsible for how to disturb I make myself with my own self

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talk when I'm shooting all over everybody. The second one? And I

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would say to shooting, you're just playing God because you're

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not accepting reality. Right? The second is fear, which is

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what if, you know, you'd be lying in your bed at night? And

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all of a sudden, oh, what if this happened, and this and oh,

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my God, and then this over here, and I'm living in the future and

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oh, my God, all these next thing? You know, I'm like,

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soaked in my bed sweating, and I haven't gone anywhere done

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anything. And I've just totally gotten myself afraid for no

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reason. Because just playing that what if game, you know, and

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it's like, that's just not trusting God, right? Like, he

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brought me this far to just drop me on my ass, I don't think so.

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And then the last one, specifically, what we were

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talking about is guilt. And that's should on self, I behaved

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in a way that I'm now going to beat myself up time after time.

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Because I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have done

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this. And the reality is, is I just need to accept the fact

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that it happened, I did it. Right. And except my own

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humanity, I'm a perfectly imperfect human being, and I'm

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going to make a lot of mistakes. And that, you know, a problem is

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just simply a human definition for an opportunity to grow. And

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I need to accept my own humanity, I need to move back

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into my natural state. And what happens is, is you take a week

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or two and you mark down in your phone, right? What self talk is

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constantly surfacing for you. And then once you learn what all

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of those things surface for, you can begin to dispute those. And

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then after a time, you just start disputing them more and

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more toward just never happens. And you're constantly living in

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our natural abundance space, where our higher power wants us

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to be so that we can be maximum service to ourselves and those

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around us.

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Wow, that's so powerful. So I use a concept very similar to

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that I call it stabbing holes in the dominating beliefs. So I

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actually have my clients go through as well. It's just like

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tracking what their what their automatic, dominating thoughts

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and the automatic dominating thought is that initial thought

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that comes instantly, right? It's not the other voice that

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talks over it. It's the one that's just instantly because

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that's how you discover what your true deepest seated

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internal beliefs are. And I have people write them all down, and

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then I literally have them stab holes in

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Hell yeah, man,

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like as a physical representation, because I feel

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like a lot of this stuff like that we're talking about and

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with the work that we both do, is can be so out here, right? It

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could be so metaphysical and like Luffy, that people have a

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hard time tangibly understanding it. So like, I love to do

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exercises like that to kind of make the thoughts real right to

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bring a reality to the thoughts. And do you do anything like

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that? Like, I'm just curious, do you do any kind of like physical

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representations? Or has it mostly just been the mental work

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for you?

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No,

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no. I did have an image of how I it would be awesome to like,

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hang it up on a target at the gun range. Yeah, that would be

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pretty cool.

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Yeah, I actually do I did. So I do it with my daughter as well,

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whenever she's like, getting all crazy, like stuck energy is like

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set up an area outside and we'll throw paint, right so paint and

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we'll just like throw paint and I tell her to channel all of

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that hate that you feel towards me. And it's such like that

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physical release helps a lot of people who can't quite make like

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the mental connection yet, just like in the mental space. Make

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it real and tangible and bring it to reality. So I'd like to,

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I'd like to kind of share a little bit more about what

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you're doing now. Because we, like you've come from this place

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that you were feeling all of these things. And the shift, you

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shifted into a space where you're really helping people,

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and you're really living in your purpose. And that's what

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attracted me to you was knowing like seeing how solid you are in

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your purpose, and seeing how that big massive shift? So I'd

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love to hear a little bit about that.

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Yeah, absolutely, I think the first thing that anyone has to

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do is they have to define it, you have to define what the

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purpose is of your for your life. And if you don't have one,

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you can use mine because I spent a lot of time thinking about it.

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And I wrote it down, and it's to grow and develop in the likeness

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of my creator and be a service to my fellow man. Right. And by

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man, I mean, man and woman, right man in general. So as soon

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as you know, I clearly defined that for myself, you know, you

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have a concentration, right? So I think a lot of times people

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think about focus, right. But in order to focus, you have to have

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concentration and clearly defining that then provides the

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concentration of focus for you then to magnify the results and

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have the impact that you wish to have in your life, right. And

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it's important to understand that, in order to get clear on

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that, you have to put everything away, you have to turn your

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phone off, turn the TV off, put the Xbox controller down for 10

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minutes, and just sit in a chair, sit on the edge of your

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bed and get quiet real quick and and start to think with yourself

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writer. For me, I sat down at a at a, you know, kitchen table

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with a blank piece of paper and just wrote down with pen, what

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is your purpose and then just sat there and kind of stared at

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the paper until something surfaced for me. And and and

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then I just made sure that day after day, I focus my intention

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on aligning my behavior with that purpose. So to clearly

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answer your question, as well, as you know, all of that stuff

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that I went through all of the harm that I did, all of that

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darkness, then becomes my greatest asset to be of maximum

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service for those that are going through the same thing for two

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different reasons. One, so that they know and understand.

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They're not that special. We're all special. But you're not that

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special in the sense that you're the only person in the world

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that's ever gone through that stuff. And that if there's a

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word for what you're how you're behaving in the dictionary, then

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someone on the planet has already done it before. So

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again, you're not that special. I think the second part of that

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is, is you that also means you're not alone. And I think

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one of the biggest things that is a driver of negative energy

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negative thoughts is, you know, as we say we're only as sick as

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our secrets is holding all of that stuff into ourselves. And,

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and and then letting it just rot us from the inside out. Because

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we're too full of guilt, shame and remorse, to share it with

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anyone because if I opened up to you and showed you that that's

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who I really was, then you wouldn't like me wouldn't love

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me and you wouldn't want me around. Right? But in reality,

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the instant that I share that deep dark secret with someone, I

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get so much relief, so much relief, you know, I mean,

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there's a reason why the Catholics invented, you know,

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confession, so many, you know, what, 1000 years ago or some

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hundreds hundreds of years ago, who knows they've been doing it

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for a long, longer than I've been alive right. Now, the

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biggest thing though, is, like I said, just taking the time to

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get to know yourself and clearly defining it for yourself, and

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then aligning your behavior to that.

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So I know for a lot of people that can be really

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uncomfortable, like we are used to spending time alone,

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especially this past year, but most of us have never actually

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spent true time alone. And by that I mean, minus the TV minus

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the phone minus the podcast even or books even or any of the

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other even if they're positive distractions, right. But any of

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those other stimulus coming into our life and just complete

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aloneness and for so many people, that can be such an

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income uncomfortable thing I know it was for me. And as an

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addict, I was always looking for, you know, ways to kind of

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silence that or subdue that aloneness because it was so, so

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uncomfortable. Did you experience that? And like, how

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did you push the rule? That?

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That's a great question. That's a great question. And I think

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the key there is, like you said, US rationalizing, what's a good

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distraction, and what's a bad distraction, and a distraction

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is a distraction. Just like there's distress and use Stress,

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Stress is stress. You know, I think all of us, now on this

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side have felt the feelings of overwhelmed from having too many

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blessings in our life, right. So. So what I would say is, is

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that that's one of the main reasons that I got into coaching

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and I got into people development that surfaced from

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leading teams is because everyone doesn't have the

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capacity, I feel to instinctively just look

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intrinsically, and begin to explore everything that they

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want in their life, you know, everyone hasn't been at the

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depths of low level behavior, like we have, where we know what

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it's like to feel a lot of a lot of pain, everyone hasn't

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necessarily experienced that, right. Um, I would also say

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that, you know, since they haven't done that, maybe they

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aren't used to being uncomfortable all the time. You

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know, so also, I mean, just subconsciously, we, we choose

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survival and familiarity over everything. So if you're not

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even awake to the subconscious, programming you have, then

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you're not even going to even start to look at that, right? So

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it takes leaders, it takes people in the community to kind

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of shake people up a little bit, and say, Hey, have you ever

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looked at this and, and just hold a mirror up to people, you

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know, even if they're good people, even if they're great

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high performers, everyone can always be better, and everyone

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can always, you know, have things to work on. And, and I

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know, for me, there was people throughout my life, even

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throughout my sickest times, that always stood out as, as

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people that I know, deeply cared for me, and challenged me to be

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better, even when I was in the shit, you know. And so it's

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like, Who do I want to be? Do I Do I want to be, you know, Mr.

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lashbrook? You know, one of like, the three teachers that

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made an impact on my life out of the, you know, what, 50 or so

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that I had? Or, you know, do I want to be all the other

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teachers? Right? Do I want to be the coach that deeply cares

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about his players and, and tries to impact them more than just

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making them a great soccer or football player? Do I want to,

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you know, make them a better person. So when I started

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thinking that way, with my teams, then, you know, the

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conversations that you have with them are a little bit different.

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You know, they're just a little bit different, because they can

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feel that you care about their growth as a human being. And I

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think all that, all that does is then provides a safe space for

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them to maybe think and, and talk about things they never

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really have before. Because someone believed in him that

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much, and cared that much to maybe even just ask,

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yeah, and, and on that note, like something that I've kind of

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learned is that by sharing what I feel the most shame for is

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like how we can actually make the greatest impact, like actual

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impact with other human beings because so many other people

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feel those same feelings, maybe it manifested in a different

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kind of scenario. So when we can be open and vulnerable and

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share, you know, our side of it, that helps show other people

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that one, they can be open and vulnerable with us. And to their

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like, you were saying they're not alone, but also just helps

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show people that it doesn't really matter. Like that path

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doesn't matter. Have you seen like you're very open and

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vulnerable with your story? And do you resonate with that like

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you like because you can make a greater actual impact like you

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can, there's helping people, right, and then there's

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impacting people.

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Hmm.

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Nice. Well, so That's really well said, I haven't heard it

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said like that. I like that.

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Yeah.

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Yeah. Now you're now you're blown me up here. All right,

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great. Thank you for that. I would say that. You know, I

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think all of us have have been in those situations where

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someone says something you're like, Oh, yeah, man. Oh, yeah, I

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felt that I've been there, you know, and you you're not the one

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to say anything until someone else speaks up, and then three

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more people agree. And then you're like, yeah, yeah, that's

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me, too. Right? Yeah. I would say I'm someone that says the

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things that everyone's thinking, but they really don't want to

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talk about, you know, and you know, what, sometimes that leads

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itself to some pretty nasty messages, some discomfort, some

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people lashing out some and most of the time, it's overwhelmingly

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people saying, Man, I'm so glad that you said that. I know, I

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feel the exact same way. I'm so glad that you said that. Because

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now I feel like I'm not so alone. And And the thing is, is

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that I had a extremely large aha moment in 2018. And I was

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already way far into my journey. And then I was doing some very

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deep work in my ontology training. And, you know, I came

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to the realization that no one on the planet has ever treated

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me worse than I've treated myself and my own mind. So

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anything that anyone Does, does or says, For the rest of my life

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has no power over me, because I've already done it worse to

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myself. And that's a fantastic realization, but also a very

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empowering one. Because the instant that I share the things

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that provided me the most shame, I now render that thing

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powerless over me now, because it doesn't hold anything on me

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because I'm open about it. Right? It's like, you know, and

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that's the thing is, the fear of exposing that. Right is what

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stops people from doing it. I would challenge this, I said,

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I've been saying this on on all the podcasts and begin getting

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on to and, and it's kind of just a next level of relation healthy

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relationships, right. And that is, when someone calls you that

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you care about. And they have a problem, deep fear, they're just

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sharing openly with you stuff that they have going on. How

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does it make you feel that they called you? Right? You feel

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honored, you feel loved? You'd want to do nothing but help them

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and you don't? You're not judging them, you're like,

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You're not even thinking about judgment, right? And yet, it's

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so arrogant of us to sit there and not be open with others with

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people with where we're really at, and afford them the luxury

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to let them love us and have a two way street relationship.

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Right? That's absurd. That's arrogant, right? I need to go

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out there and build healthy relationships with people. And

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that means letting them be the hero. Sometimes, I don't always

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have to be the savior for everyone, right. And if I can't

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get to a place with people in my life to express my own humanity,

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then we're not really building connections. And we're not deep,

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deeply connecting at all. And I don't want to be a part of that.

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I already have done that for a long time. You know? And guess

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what? So now the people I ride with every single person in my

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life, we have deep, meaningful conversations. When we talk, we

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talk about real shit, we challenge one another to be

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better. We call each other on our bullshit. And I always

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always, always say I love you before I hang up the phone,

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because I want people you know, like Kanye said, you know, got

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to give people the road roses while they can still smell them.

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It's like, what why don't I do that then? Like, why do we Why

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do we always just wait like do it now? You know? And I think

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for people like us, we do that more because we know somehow

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we're on borrowed time already. You know, I'm saying like

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wow, you just gave me like full body goosebumps and chills with

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that, like I that resonates on such a deep and like speechless

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level right here. Joseph like that's so powerful because

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that's what people need and sometimes like to bring it back

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to what you were talking about before like the mirror aspect.

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those points those conversations that make us feel like the most

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defensive or make us feel like the most angry. Typically like

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that's because That hit a real note, right? That hit something

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that you maybe don't haven't consciously figured out yet, but

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your higher self knows, right. And that's why it makes you mad,

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or that's what makes you upset at the other person. And that

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just brings it back to what you said at the beginning of this

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interview is, is the mirror aspect. And I think, you know,

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being able to have those real and those tough conversations,

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without feeling that anger towards the other person for

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bringing it up, and it's okay, if you feel that anger for a

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little bit, you know, sometimes, like, that happens to me,

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sometimes I'll be like, yeah, screw you. And then I sit and

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reflect and like, Oh, wait, screw me. But like being able to

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have those open conversations where you can actually be real

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with the people who you're around? I feel like that's one

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of the biggest signs of growth is.

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Yeah, absolutely. Growth and emotional intelligence. Yeah.

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That's all it is, is, uh, you know, increasing your EQ.

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Yeah. You know,

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there's so many studies that show the most successful CEOs on

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the planet have a higher EQ than they do IQ. And that, again,

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it's one of those things where if I can get get to a place

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where I can talk about everything in any anything with

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anyone, you know, without getting rattled, it's a, you

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know, that's a good spot. But again, I would say to that,

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like, emotions are neither good or bad. They just are, it's just

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a matter of, we're always at choice. And I need to pick and

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choose what will serve me best to show up for myself and others

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and what's needed. Sometimes it's very important for me to be

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angry. If someone breaks into my house, it's important for me to

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be angry, because I need to draw on that anger and that

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adrenaline to get that perpetrator out of my house and

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protect my family. You know, it doesn't serve me though, to keep

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holding on to that for 10 weeks, because that person broke into

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my house, you know what I'm saying? Like, because then that

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that anger then turns into resentment. And, and and it's

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like, no, that that doesn't serve me, right. So it's clearly

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about choosing what emotion and how I'll show up. And that's

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most important, and like we were talking about earlier, you know,

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with the self talk, and taking physical action, like, one of

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the things I do with my clients is, I asked them, how those

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thoughts then show up in their body. Right? Like, is it like

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your shoulders tight? Can you feel your temples throbbing, you

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know, your nose heat up? You know, whatever it is? How does

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those thoughts can manifest into emotions that then surface in

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our body? And what does that feel like, right, because

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there's some times where the body is in control. And like,

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there's nothing at that point that unless you have an AI, high

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EQ, and are in control your programming, that then the body

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is going to take over and it's running the show, because it

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needs those. It needs that cortisol, it needs that dopamine

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from the from the mind in order to survive, because is addicted

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to it, just like sugar, you know. And, again, if you can get

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to that place, that level of awareness, and then you get to a

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place where you're constantly choosing how you show up for

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yourself and others. That's a powerful place to be, and you're

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going to be of maximum service.

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The funny thing about what you were just stating is like how

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our thoughts influence our physiology. On that same token,

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like our physiology can affect our thoughts like it's a highway

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that goes both ways. And it's something that I teach my

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daughter all the time is like where they're at right now. With

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the past year, we've been really focusing on emotional

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intelligence and just like how to navigate the changes, and

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whenever she feels frustrated, like I really tried to focus on

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like, Okay, what are those feelings? Like how does that

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feel in your body like you, you get tense or like, when you feel

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shame, like you tend to like curl up and you just like close

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yourself off. And so what I do to help walk her through it

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because she's so young, it's so easy for her to understand, just

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like the physical aspect, but it Trent It's same thing as adults,

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too, right? is, yeah, we're seeing ourselves too when we are

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feeling small, forcing ourselves to literally open and just like

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open up to the world, like do jumping jacks and get our body

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moving in the way that our body would move when we're feeling

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the way that we desire to feel. And kind of you because

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sometimes our head it takes too much like we're too in our head

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it takes too much to like think it through. But if we can just

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embody that emotion that the desired emotion With our body,

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it makes it easier to bridge that gap.

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Yeah, absolutely. And the somatic disposition that you

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speak of is called openness. You know, it's open energy, it's

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receivership. And like you said, it's you know, a lot of people

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when when we do that bodywork, it's their hands are, you know,

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out by their side, you know, open and their shoulders are

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back, and they're receiving welcoming, warm, right, very

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backwards energy to be a receiver. And it's amazing how

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just shifting your body can shift your thoughts. You know,

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like, it's, uh, it's interesting. You know, a lot of

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times I tell people, if you're in a bad spot, go drive around

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in your car and sing your favorite song. Yeah, like, as

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loud as you can, like, you're gonna feel better afterwards,

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and it will suck at first or, you know, and it's cool to like,

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when you, you know, just doing this work, I'm watching just how

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how different cultures behave, and their mannerisms and all

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that stuff. I was getting my haircut by my Barber, a mod,

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he's an awesome. He's an awesome Pakistani guy, Pakistani and

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guy, here in Tampa, and he always has like, Arabic movies

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on, right. So the other day, I'm getting my haircut, and this

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lady's like, you know, yelling at her husband. And to me, it

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looked like, you know, she was very upset with him. And so I'm

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like, I'm like a mod, what is What is she saying? He's like,

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she is like, pouring her heart out to him, of like, how much he

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loves him in that passion. But like, the, the, the body

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language was very different than how we do it in the western

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civilized civilization, you know what I mean? So it's like,

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understanding and just paying attention to those distinctions,

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right? Or, or like, even with animals, right, like, with my

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dog, you know, it's like, I'll come up to her. And I always

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joke around, you know, showing showing my son this stuff, you

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know, I'm a, I'm a parent like you. And I'll come up to my dog

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and oh, my God, how do y'all You're such a piece of shit, oh,

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my God, you know, I'm like, talk down to her white with words.

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But she only understands the loving body emotions, right? So

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she's reacting and getting all happy. And my son thinks it's

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the funniest thing on the planet, because, you know, I'm

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saying all these terrible things to her, but she's reacting to my

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body language. And the same is with people, men,

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and tonality to like, you can say, a message and it can be

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received 1000 different ways, just depending on the tonality

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of how you say it.

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Or on text.

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I can't tell you how many situations I've gotten into

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because of text.

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Yeah, they're reading it with their eyes.

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Exactly. That's why I now I send voice I do voice messages, like

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voice memos all the time, because I was sick and tired of

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dealing with the like, I'm like, No, I this is good. This is

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positive. give to you. I'm sorry. Like,

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that's a good call that I needed. I need to do that more

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to

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Yeah, and you know what? I do it on, like, when I connect with

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new people, a lot of times like on Instagram or Facebook, I do

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it there as well. I could just do a voice memo. Because like,

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I'm a huge believer in energy transfer. And if we're through

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the internet, we're in this digital age, like, How am I

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supposed to transfer my energy into someone? Well, the best way

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that I know how is through my voice is through using my voice

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and pouring my love into others. And I can transfer that just

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based on my tonality. And it's been massive as far as because

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like, I would rather connect on an authentic level with a few

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people a day, then, you know, automate everything and connect

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with 1000 people a day, right? Like that's, that's how I feel

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like I can make the biggest impact. And so it takes a little

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bit more time. Actually, it doesn't, it takes less time, I

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realized but but like people also just feel like they can

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feel the care and individualized attention. Like you're not just

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copying and pasting a message to them. And you say their name and

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and you relate to them. And like that's how we can make such a

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huge impact on the world. It's just by transferring our energy

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and like you were saying earlier, like how you tell

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everyone that you love them. It's like pouring that love

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because people can feel that intention.

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Yeah, I mean, you're spot on. Because I mean, I've been in the

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hospitality industry for 15 years. So our whole job is

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making people feel special. You know, that's all this just

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deeply connecting with people. So I mean, over the years, I

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can't tell you, you know, just like you said, How many times,

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you know, guests in my restaurants have become good

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friends and still talk to him this day. And, you know, it's

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you just you never know, my restaurant that I single unit

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that I ran for five years was about 15 or 16 minutes away from

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Moffitt, which is one of the premier cancer hospitals in the

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nation. So there was a lot of people that, you know, it's

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their first or last or consistent, you know, trips to

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all around the Tampa Bay area, they go there for their

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chemotherapy and radiation. And the only thing they want to eat

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is something that my restaurant then I have deep conversations

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with them on, what they're going through, and I listen, and I'll

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tell you a guess what, I did that for two whole years. And

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then my mom got cancer. And I'm, I'm her healthcare surrogate,

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and was driving her back and forth to her appointments. And I

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can't tell you how many tips, how many strategies, how many

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helpful hints I got from people that showed up telling me those

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things that I was able to apply to my life and show up for my

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mom and be there. And it totally made, it totally helped her

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experience, because I took the time to connect with somebody

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else that was going through that in my restaurant. And I think

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that's the power of relationships and connection,

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right is, like you said, they're going through this deep, dark

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time, I show up that with them with openness and love and

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attentive listening, they transfer that energy and those

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feelings and, and those those hands and strategy and

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experience onto me. And then I'm presented with an experience

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where I can then go transfer that energy on to someone that I

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love more than anyone and be of true service. And that's kind of

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and then, you know, now it's it's you keep passing it around.

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And that that for me is like you said, that's the difference

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between what you say that's how you make an impact rather than

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just showing up. Right?

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The difference between helping people and impacting people.

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Exactly. You know, and then those are things that I'll never

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forget, you know?

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And that's like, I mean, I believe that true happiness and

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true fulfillment, is when we discover that our purpose lies

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outside of us. Right? Like, it's not, it's not what can I get?

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It's not how much money can I make, you know, How big can I

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get? But when we realize when we shift it from, from the What can

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I get to what can I give, and that's when everything changes,

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not only will you find yourself in a better financial situation,

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just based on the laws of the universe, but also you find

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yourself actually happy.

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Yeah, and the cool thing is, is if you stand close enough to

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somebody face to face, you can see your reflection in their

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eyes. Oh, that's the reason Yeah, I mean, in art, my

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ontology training, we stood face to face with somebody for 20

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minutes without talking. And and then we all went around the room

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and shared five minutes each on our experience. And there was 40

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of us, every single person, the pairs, they knew what the they

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were having a conversation without ever talking. So it just

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shows how deeply connected we really are. If we're open to it,

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right. And that only happens by the reduction of me in the in

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the addition of wheat.

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I need to write some of these things down Joseph, I'm going to

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put them I love to put quotes like all over everywhere because

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I even if I don't consciously read it, my subconscious mind is

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picking it up. And you dropped some bombs on me and I'm going

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to be writing those down and those are going to be going in

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my space because Wow, wow. Oh my god, I hope you guys can feel

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this power from Joseph right now. He is an incredible human

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being and Gosh, I could tell we could talk for days. about all

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of this, like ever like I can't even believe that it's already

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been almost an hour like how did that happen? But, Joseph, I know

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that you have brought some value to our listeners here. And I

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want to ask you, how can people connect with you further? How

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can people further this conversation with you?

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Yeah, thank you. Just my name Joseph de Roma, Facebook,

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Instagram, as well as LinkedIn. I'm heavy on all those. You can

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reach me at Joseph de Roma at the successful gmail.com If you

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wish to email me, and our website is the successful

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gmail.com. And that will showcase the full community of

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ambitious successful men that were building our programs.

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Hopefully, one day we'll get back to live events where men

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can come and gather and have real conversations, meaningful

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conversations, and, you know, we'll keep driving the pace to

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to make men better to show up in their communities and families.

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Beautiful, and you guys, I'm gonna put links to all of all of

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Joseph's amazing things in the description below. So if you

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would like to connect with him, make sure that you check the

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description, connect with him. He's an amazing human being. And

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I I just thank you so much for being so open and vulnerable

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with us today. And seriously, like, I'm gonna have to go back

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and listen to this like 100 times because there was just so

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many gems that you just laid out in front of me and the way like

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we are extremely similar in the way that we think. But the way

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that we express ourselves is definitely different. So I

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picked up on just so much from you. And I just want to pour

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love back into you and just tell you how much I appreciate you

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how happy I am that you're still here with us on this earth, able

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to share your message and to continue to make an impact on

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the world.

Speaker:

Oh, thank you for that. Yeah, I got a lot out of talking to you,

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too. I I love hearing like you said different expressions of

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the same principles because it just deeply resonates with with

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me and helps me think differently and see things

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differently. And that's that's that curiosity is the best.

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Yeah. Awesome. Cool. All right. We are good to go here. I'm

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going to make sure this recording saves

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