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Welcome back to Tammy Stakes, where
we take powerful conversations
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with our guests and turn them
into practical strategies you
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can use right here, right now.
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So if you haven't listened to my
conversation with Chris Milson
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yesterday, host of the Mental Health
Movement podcast, Voice for the
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Voiceless, stop this episode when
we're finished and please go listen.
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Chris courageously shared his journey
through childhood trauma, emotional
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neglect, learning healthy boundaries,
and ultimately finding his voice after
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years of believing he didn't matter.
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But today, I actually wanna talk
about something that stood out
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to me more than anything else.
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Chris kept coming back to one phase.
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He kept saying, "I felt invisible."
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And I didn't think he realizes
just how many people heard
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that and whispered, "Whew,
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. Me too.
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I feel invisible."
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That's what I've learned after years of
coaching adult children of dysfunction.
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The greatest wound isn't
always the yelling.
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It isn't always the abuse.
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Sometimes the deepest wound
is simply never feeling seen.
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Maybe you were the child who never caused
problems, the peacemaker, the helper.
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Maybe you were the oldest child
who became the third parent.
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Maybe your parents were
consumed by addiction.
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Maybe they were just
emotionally unavailable.
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Maybe your siblings
demanded all the attention.
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I think we heard that when Chris said
that he was the oldest, and once his
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siblings were born, he just didn't matter.
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He was almost invisible, and it
was validated by his grandfather.
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So truly, he wasn't the
only one that saw it.
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And maybe no one intentionally ignored
you, but no one truly noticed you either.
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So what you learned is, if nobody
sees me, maybe I don't matter.
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That belief doesn't stay
in childhood, my friends.
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It follows you everywhere.
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It shows up in ways most people
never connect back to childhood.
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You apologize constantly.
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You over-explain yourself for everything.
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You stay quiet in meetings.
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You don't ask for what you need.
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You people please.
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You avoid conflict.
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You stay in unhealthy
relationships far too long.
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At the end of the day, what you're
really doing is shrinking yourself
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because somewhere deep inside,
your nervous system still believes
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you cannot take up too much space.
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It is not safe.
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So here's the part that most people miss.
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There is an incompetence problem here.
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It's a nervous system problem because
when a child grows up feeling unseen,
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the brain doesn't just create a belief.
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It creates a survival strategy.
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If I stay small, I'm safe.
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So these are the things
you're saying to yourself.
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If you don't have needs or if I don't
have needs, I won't be rejected.
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If I don't speak, I can't be criticized.
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And that survival strategy
becomes your personality.
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Until one day, all of a sudden you wake up
and you're forty, fifty, maybe even sixty
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years old and you're wondering, who am I?
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That's why affirmations
alone often don't work.
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You can stand in front of a mirror
all day long saying, "I matter, I'm
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worthy, I'm enough, I'm great, I'm
beautiful, I'm joyous," whatever it
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is, but if your nervous system still
believes you're unsafe being seen,
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your body will reject every word.
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That's why healing has to happen
in both the mind and the body.
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So today I want to give
you a simple exercise.
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I call it the visibility audit.
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For the next week, I want you
to carry around a piece of
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paper with you, and notice every
time you make yourself smaller.
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Ask yourself, where did I
apologize when I didn't need to?
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Where did I stay silent even though
I had something valuable to say?
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Where did I put everyone
else's needs before my own?
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Where did I minimize my accomplishments?
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And where did I say it's
okay when it really wasn't?
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Don't judge yourself.
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don't beat yourself up about this.
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Just notice, because awareness
always comes before change.
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then I want you to practice one
tiny act of visibility every day.
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Not something huge.
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Remember, I always teach baby steps.
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Maybe it's in expressing an opinion.
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Maybe it's asking for help.
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Maybe it's saying no.
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Maybe it's using my, one of my
most favorite examples and ordering
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something different at a restaurant.
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Maybe it's sharing your
story with one safe person.
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'Cause every single time you allow
yourself to be seen, your nervous system
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gathers evidence that says, "I am safe.
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I survived this.
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I can do this again."
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And that's where healing happens.
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Not in one giant breakthrough, but in
hundreds of tiny moments where your brain
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learns a new story One of my favorite
moments from Chris's interview was when
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he talked about learning boundaries.
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He realized boundaries weren't
about controlling other people.
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They were about protecting himself.
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That right there is a small example
of what healing looks like, not
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becoming someone else, but becoming
the version you were before
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survival convinced you to disappear.
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I want you to remember something today.
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You were never invisible.
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You were overlooked.
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There's a big difference.
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Invisible means you have no value.
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overlooked means the people around you
didn't have the capacity to see your
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value, and that was not your fault.
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Those are two completely different things,
and I hope you never confuse them again.
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so if today's episode resonated
with you, I want to invite
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you to take the next step.
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Sometimes we can't see our own patterns
because we lived them for so long.
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That's why I offer a complimentary
clarity and calm call.
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Together, we'll identify the survival
patterns that are still running your
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life and create a plan to help you move
from surviving to truly living honestly.
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Or if you're just curious about how
chronic stress and unresolved trauma
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may be showing up in your body, I offer
a complimentary AO biofrequency scan
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demo where we can explore what your
nervous system may be communicating.
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You'll find the links to both
of them in my show notes.
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And before you go, do me one favor.
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If this episode helped you feel
seen, share it with someone who has
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spent their life believing they don't
matter because one conversation,
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one moment of being understood
can change someone's entire life.
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Until next time, remember this.
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You don't become visible when
the world finally notices you.
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You become visible the moment you
stop hiding who you've always been.
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Until next time, I'll see you later.
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Have a blessed day, and I
hope to talk to you soon.
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Love you guys.
