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In this episode of "A Changed Mind", our host, David Bayer, explores the concept of acceptance and non-judgment in personal growth and relationships. David challenges the idea of "should" and "shouldn't," arguing that everything happens as it should based on countless factors.
David illustrates this principle through examples of parenting, workplace dynamics, and global issues. David emphasizes that resisting reality creates suffering, while accepting "what is" opens up new possibilities for change.
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What We Explored This Episode
5:07 The truth about "should" in relationships
10:13 Accepting reality to find solutions
15:18 Retiring judgment to reclaim personal power
Memorable Quotes
"The problem is not the problem. The problem is our denial of the reality of the situation. When we can accept that the situation absolutely should be what it is, then a solution can emerge."
"Wherever you feed your energy, that thing is going to grow. Rather than investing energy into solving the problem, invest energy into being the solution."
"We are going to change your life together. We are going to change your bank account together. We are going to change your health together. We are going to change everything together. And we're going to change the world together."
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Transcripts
If you're the kind of person who's doing the work, you're reading, the books you're doing, the coaching or the therapy, the meditation, the setting goals, but you still find yourself getting irritated, anxious, disappointed, or just stuck in the same cycles over and over again. I want to offer you something today that might change everything. And this isn't about mindset tricks. It's not about rewiring habits. It's about exposing the root of why we suffer, and especially in our relationships, in our business, and in our emotional lives. And what I'm about to share might seem simple at first, but if you really get it, you'll discover a kind of freedom that's always been available but completely invisible until now. Welcome to A Changed Mind, a journey into the topics that matter to you most. From the neuroscience and spirituality of mindset and personal growth, to groundbreaking strategies for health, wealth, and relationships, to open and honest conversations about pressing global issues such as the environment, censorship, corporate capture, and democracy. Each and every episode reminds us of the certainty of the goodness of the future and provides the teachings, tools, and timeless wisdom inspiring you to create real, lasting change in your life and in the world. If you've been desiring a sanctuary for your spirit, a place to go to tune out the distraction, negativity, and doom and gloom so that you can tap into the deep power, the vibrancy, and the potential you have inside, you're in the right place. Welcome to A Changed Mind. Hey, it's David. Welcome to a Changed Mind. A sanctuary for your spirit. A place where each and every episode, I remind you of the certainty of the goodness of the future. I'm your friend, your host, your guy, David Bayer. This episode is actually a double click on the last episode. I had a lot of questions around this unpacking of the concept of should and shouldn't. And I realized that, wow, this is a major thorn in all of our sides. On a daily basis, we experience all kinds of frustrations. I don't care who you are, you could have tension in your relationship with your partner, your kids, not listening while you're trying to get ready for work. Your employees are underperforming and not doing what you've asked them to do. Some form of unmet expectation. And I want to introduce the real issue. And it is not what happens. It's not these conflicts, but it's the internal belief that this shouldn't happen have happened. So let's unpack this together. We're going to talk about the contrast of the outer events versus the inner Resistance. And so what occurs over the course of our day is we experience something. And I'm going to start with a story actually. It's such a powerful example of a friend of mine and I mentioned this in the last episode who said, hey, you know, one area where I'd like to improve is the anger and frustration I have with my kids when they don't do what I asked them to do. And I said, well, what is it that you ask them to do that they're not doing? And he says, well, they don't pick up after themselves, they don't pick up their toys, they don't put their clothes away. He's got like a 9 year old, an 11 year old and a 13 year old said they just don't listen to what I'm asking them to do. And I said, okay, got it. So the issue that you're having right now is that you think they should be listening to what you asked them to do. And there was this pause on the other end of the line and he was like, well, yeah, of course. And I said, well, but that's not true. I said, one of the things that we teach actually is that there are two states of being. Powerful states and primal states. And powerful states are states of being that feel good, like joy, curiosity, excitement, compassion, passion. And those are states that are indicating that you're in the rest and relaxation or parasympathetic expression of your nervous system. And then there are primal states of being. States like anger, frustration, boredom, jealousy, worry, overwhelm. And these are states that indicate that you're in the sympathetic expression of the nervous system or fight or flight. And the only thing that determines what state of being you're in are the thoughts you're having. It's not the experience itself. In other words, the experience is separate from the emotional reaction. The emotional reaction is a result of the thoughts that you're having. He said, well, that makes a lot of sense. I said, but here's the thing that we've discovered. The quality of the thinking that's moving you into a primal state is 100% of the time untrue. And for those of you who have been followers of the show, what I worked with him very quickly was what we call a decision matrix. And I said, so that means that this thought that you have that they should be listening to what you're telling them to do is actually untrue. And he said, well, then what's true? I said, well, some form of the opposite. He said, well, that they shouldn't be listening to what I asked them to do. I said, that sounds about right. And he said, but how can that be? And I said, well, we believe that life should go a certain way and life goes a different way. In this case, we're talking about some friction that he's having with his kids, who he loves dearly. And he was very, very clear. He's like, it's not like I'm screaming and yelling at them. But he said, I've learned how to manage that. I feel the anger arise within me. And I said, well, look, the truth is, is that your kids absolutely, 100% of the time in this instance, they're 100% of the time going to do what they should do. He said, so they shouldn't be listening to me. I said, that's correct. I said, based on the habits they've developed since they were born, based on who they came in this world to be and the different aspects of their personality, based on what they've learned to transform or haven't transformed according to the early age programs, based on how they prioritize what you've asked them to do, vers all the other things that they're interested in, based on how they're managing all of the information that's coming through them, and based on a lot of different factors, their capacity, their innate capacity to concentrate what foods they're eating that may defocus them, all these different things build up into a sequence of cause and effect that in this moment predicts 100% of the time that they will do exactly what they did. There's no other possibility. And so when we say should someone should or shouldn't do something, I'm not talking about values and morals. I'm talking about predictive possibility. So when you're at the gas station and someone gets frustrated at you and gives you the finger, a hundred percent of the time, that's exactly what they should be doing. When you have an argument with your partner and you think to yourself, they shouldn't be yelling at me a hundred percent of the time, yes, they should. In that instance, they should. Based on how they've metabolized trauma, based on the other tensions in their life, based on who they are in their entire life up until that moment, 100% of the time, they should do exactly what they did, we can look back on our lives and say, well, I shouldn't have been physically abused or sexually abused. From a moral and value standpoint, I would agree with you. From a predictability standpoint, I would disagree yes, you should have been physically or sexually abused. From a predictive standpoint. How do we know? Because it happened. And so what we see here is that so often we are in denial with the reality of life. We are fighting life, and it's the fighting life that's the problem. It's not the experience itself. And so my friend said, well, what can I do differently? I said, well, number one, see that your belief or the thinking that's taking place in the moment that your kids should be listening to and they are not is untrue. See that? Because then you can stop that bad behavior. You can stop believing that reality should be different than what it is. And from that place, I don't know what will occur for you, but there's a new space. Because when you're living in this should or should not be happening, all that's possible is the judgment. But when you set aside the judgment by actually seeing clearly that this should be taking place now, there's a new possibility. By the way, when you set aside the judgment, what we call that is you now have the capacity to create a loving container. So there's now a loving container in the environment of the dynamic with your children. And what's fascinating about that is they've developed a habit or a relationship with your anger, and so they can predict that you'll be angry, and they need to meet that prediction as well. A great way for them to meet that prediction is to actually not put away their stuff. But as soon as you stop with the anger, you change the energetic and relational dynamic. And now that frees them up to have different choice because they're no longer adherent or enslaved by your habit of response. We had a woman in one of our coaching programs. She has an autistic child, and she says, you know, it's just so challenging because he's very loud, he's very expressive, he's very. What I would call aggressive. And she said, I really don't know what to do. And so we looked at, well, how are you being psychologically and emotionally in that moment of interaction? And she said, well, I'm thinking that he shouldn't be this way and that this is never going to change and this is going to negatively impact me for the rest of my life. I said, well, then that's the reality that you're creating. And he's also feeling that judgment emotionally and energetically, that there's something wrong with him, and he's reacting out of that and perpetuating that. So when she got clear that Absolutely. The way that he is behaving should be the way he is behaving based on everything that has led up in his life and her life up into those moments. She was able to relax around it and be a loving container. So she was no longer being, he shouldn't be doing this. It's never going to change. It's going to negatively impact the rest of my life. She set that aside and she became curious and. And in that curiosity, she came back a couple of weeks later. She said, you're not going to believe it. The whole dynamic has completely changed. I said, well, I'm going to believe it. I'm the one who coached you on it. But I've seen it time and time and time and time again. You have 10,000 coaching conversations. You learn a thing or two. And she said, he's respecting my boundaries. He's giving me my space. When I tell him I need some, he's less aggressive. I said, yeah, because he's no longer feeling like he's broken, and he's no longer feeding into that energetic dynamic that you guys had. So the problem is not the problem. The problem is our denial of the reality of the situation. And when we can accept that the situation absolutely should be what it is, then a solution can emerge. And you could look at this in your individual, the micro moments of your life. Again, team members within an organization, I often speak to entrepreneurs. They're like, my team shouldn't be doing the things that they're doing. They should be doing better. And I'm like, well, that's not true. How do you know that's not true? Well, number one, because it's moving you into a primal state. And that's your nervous system indicating that you're entangling with an idea that is not coherent. It is not resonant. It is not in alignment with the truth of the situation. So we can use powerful and primal states as a nice little gut check. And number two, because 100%, your employees are doing exactly what they should be doing, because that's what they're doing. And the problem is not that they're not tackling the tasks properly. The problem is you believe that they should. And in the space of you believing that they should, there's tension. And now you're making decisions from that tension. Even if you're making decisions that seem intelligent, like, well, I'll put an extra layer of leadership development and coaching in my team, it's still coming from a place of dissonance. And so you truly have to See that, like, wow, I'm creating my own reality. I've created all these energetic dynamics with the people around me based on what I believe. And now they're showing up as experiences in my life. And the way that I change the dynamic is not by getting someone to do something different. It's about changing something inside of me. It's about seeing that I've held onto this idea of judgment that has been passed down from generation to generation to generation, frankly, because nobody explained this to us when we were younger, that there really is no such thing as should or shouldn't when it comes to predictable possibility or all things that happen are 100% guaranteed to happen. But as they happen, we can be with those experiences in a particular way to transform them in the next iteration rather than living that same cycle over and over and over and over again. We also see this at a macro scale with how people perceive the world. We say, well, you know, this president should be doing something or shouldn't be doing something. This political party should be doing something or shouldn't be doing something. This non governmental organization should be doing something or shouldn't be doing something. This group of people or society should be behaving this way and they shouldn't be behaving that way. That's not true because there's been a collective accumulation of cause and effect, cause and effect, cause and effect, cause and effect. That 100% predicts the response that is taking place. It predicts the agenda that's being rolled out. It predicts the decisions that the leader is making. There's a lot right now going on. People have different opinions. Trump should be doing this. Trump shouldn't be doing that. No, Trump's does. Trump, that's it. It's predictable now how you react to Trump doing Trump. That not only influences your own life, but that starts to influence the larger conversation of what we want and how we're being with the current system and structure as it's transforming and whether or not we're going to continue to perpetuate the same dynamic. A lot of people have a lot of opinions of what's going on with Israel and Gaza. Israel shouldn't be doing this. Full on attack on Gaza. No, they should not. From a moral or judgment standpoint, my personal opinion is that that should not be taking place. But from a predictability standpoint, 100, 100. If you look at over time how their agenda has built up and the history that they come from and the original roots of the nation state of Israel and what it stands for and what it wants to achieve and the people who are in charge as a result of that. And like all the millions of things that have led us up to this present day, Circumstance and Situation 100, what's happening should be happening. And if we're living in the judgment of should and shouldn't, we're giving away our power to the judgment. Think about it for a moment. If I'm non judgmental about the situation and I'm not in denial around what is happening now, I can start to ask different questions. I can start to be curious. I can actually be a part of the solution. You can be a part of the solution of your children adhering more to organization in the house. You can be part of the solution of your team members or employees performing at a higher level within your organization. And you can be a part of a solution of political change or ending wars or solving global environmental issues. But you can't do that as long as you're in judgment. This awareness came to me at one point. It was such a strange way that it came to me. Someone was talking about like poachers in Africa and how they shouldn't be taking the rhino horns. And it just occurred to me in that moment like of course they should. Based on their prioritization and their needs and the money that they want to accumulate and what horns sell for as crushed cartilage to people in China who drink it in tea and all these dynamics and needing to feed their families or wanting to buy more weapons and guns or whatever their motivation is based on who they've become over the course of not just this lifetime but multiple incarnations. I mean, you want to deny multiple lifetimes of information that are culminating in this experience and say that it shouldn't be happening. There's so much predictable momentum that's been building up into this moment, it's absurd to deny the moment. But when we realize that it's just our ego that wants to make judgment and wants to create division and wants to pit us against other people or make our opinion right. And you can learn how to retire that it's still going to be there, but it doesn't drive the prefrontal bus. Like you make your own decisions about how you're going to be with a circumstance or situation. Now you retake your power. Now you're a powerful person in the world. Paramahansa Yogananda has a beautiful quote that says, the true yogi stands unshaken amidst the crashing of worlds. Sometimes the crashing of worlds is your kids in the morning. Sometimes the crashing of worlds is a dynamic in your relationship or your business or your health. Sometimes the crashing of worlds is a nuclear war or the prospect of it. But how can you stand unshaken? And what I'm suggesting is that the thorn in our side that prevents us from showing up more powerfully in being a part of the solution is this thing called judgment. And you know what's interesting is if you can retire the judgment, then you get to have so many more things. Like, if you're listening to the show, there's probably a lot of things that you want in your life. You're wanting to make more money. You're wanting to discover your purpose. You're wanting to become more impactful. You're wanting to have better relationships. You're wanting to be a better mom or dad or husband or wife or partner. There's lots of things that you want. And this desire is calling you into a conversation like this so that you can learn the tools and transform the way that you're thinking so that you can actually materialize those desires. And what I'm suggesting is one of the biggest things that prevents us from materializing more in our life and at the same time is creating a tremendous amount of suffering is this thing called judgment. And so just imagine today going through your day and accepting what is. And this conversation of accepting what is is not new. There's a lot of spiritual teachers that talk about, like, accepting what is. I'm just breaking it down with David speak because I needed to understand what that really means, because it's difficult for me to accept what is when I look at the world. How do I accept what is when I feel like my wife is reacting out of her trauma and yelling at me undeservedly, which happens less and less and less now, gratefully, because we're both in this work and doing it together, and it's part of our soul contract. How do I actually accept the fact that there are horrible atrocities going on in the world? How do I just be with what is? And so I sought out an answer to this question, like, there must be a logical explanation of why it makes sense to be with what is, even though I don't like what is. And this is the explanation for it. And when you can learn to do it, what is changes, what is changes. Just like the story I told of our friend who has the autistic son. Just like what I anticipate with the interpersonal dynamic that my friend has with his three boys. And just as like I expect to start seeing in the world as more of us stand up without judgment and are resonating at a higher frequency and become the solution to the challenges in the world rather than being opposed to them. That's a pretty big distinction. Like, wherever you feed your energy, that thing is going to grow. So if you've got a war on terror, a war on totalitarian control, or a war on Wokeism, or a war on conservatism, or a war on Israel, or a war on Gaza, or a war on whatever it is, all you're going to do is feed more energy into the thing that you're perceiving as a problem. And it's going to grow. But what we're talking about here is actually disregarding the problem itself in many ways, or at least the judgment around it. And now you're investing energy into being the solution. So rather than investing energy into solving the problem, invest energy into being the solution. And the way that you do that is to transform judgment into acceptance by truly seeing that whatever is occurring absolutely should occur. There's been millennia or millions of years of buildup into the miracle of this moment that is unfolding in front of you. And realize that the way it's unfolding has a lot to do with who you are in your being and a lot to do with the judgment that you've been holding and when you can learn to let it go. The situation must transform given a short period of time. And you will be a part of that transformation because you'll have a revelation, you'll have access to new ideas, you'll be more creative, but you're also going to free from your standpoint the cords that are binding this energetic cycle. You're going to let go of the contract and now other people have the opportunity to opt out as well. And now everything changes. So I hope you love this episode as much as I love sharing it with you. I do love you, as always. That's why I am sharing this with you, because we're on the journey together. This is not a do it yourself project. We are going to change your life together. We are going to change your bank account together. We are going to change your health together. We are going to change everything together. And we're going to change the world together. And we're going to do it by becoming more enlightened through conversations like this and then staying together as a community and getting into the practice of implementing this into our day to day lives. So just see if today, in one instance, something that triggers you you can just defuse the trigger more quickly than normal and accept that what is happening is exactly should be happening and see how you can be with that circumstance or situation differently now that you're no longer in resistance to it. So again, I love you very much. If you love this episode, do me a favor. Number one, share it with somebody who needs to hear it. This is the way we get this workout to more and more people and if we can get more and more people to actually get into this work, we going to change the world together. Number two, if you're following along on YouTube, do me a favor, subscribe and hit that bell icon. I want to grow this subscription. I want you to know when new episodes come out, I want us to continue doing it together. And if you have any questions or comments, comment below. If this sparks other episode ideas, let me know what you think. I want to know what you think. This is just what I've learned over the course of my tumultuous life and I'm sharing it with you. But you have your own wisdom that I want to hear about as well. And and if you're listening on the audio platforms, do me a favor. Leave me that rating or review. I love waking up in the morning and getting my Apple notifications that somebody left me a review. I love seeing our ratings grow on Spotify. Just do it, do it, do it, please. It's the only thing that I ask of you. Other than that, have an amazing day, have a powerful living experience and I will see you in the next episode. Hey, it's David. One more thing. If you want to go even deeper on everything we've talked about on today's episode, don't forget to jump over to www.DavidBear.com. you can find the link in the show notes and subscribe to our newsletter. A couple of times a week, I'm going to be sending you the latest episodes that we've released along with additional free trainings. You'll get immediate access to my Free Mind Hack ebook and go even deeper into all the tools, the technologies, the frameworks that have helped tens of thousands of people established a changed mind. Don't forget to jump on over to the site and I will see you in the next episode.
