Relapse is more common than people admit — and recoverable. In this episode we look at what's really happening underneath a relapse and how to break the patterns and habits that keep dismantling a marriage. Three questions, one topic, real answers.

What we cover:

• Q1 — "I relapsed and reached out to the affair partner after months of no contact. Is there still hope?" Why saying there's no hope slams the door in the face of God, and what's happening internally that drives a relapse
• HALT-B: the five internal mood states (hungry, angry, lonely, tired, bored) borrowed from addiction recovery — and why unregulated emotions drive us back into behaviors we swore off
• Soul ties and attachment: how the brain romanticizes a toxic person once you leave, highlights the "good days," and pulls you back — and why those attachments are often rooted in unmet childhood needs
• Why recovery can't be one-dimensional: combining counseling, psychology, and spiritual work — EMDR, spiritual fasts, and the reality of a "heart detox"
• Why men tend to oversimplify moving on, how men and women attach differently, and why this work is ultimately not gender-specific
• Q2 (caller Julie) — Betrayal discovered six weeks before a vow renewal: does the timing matter? Why timing matters immensely, and how it adds a second offense — deception layered on top of betrayal
• "Death by a thousand cuts": how the circumstances surrounding an affair (a pregnancy, a season of transition, a job loss, an affair with a colleague or family member) deepen the wound
• PISD — post-infidelity stress disorder, intrusive thoughts, hyperarousal, and how the calendar itself (anniversaries, Valentine's Day, New Year's) becomes a recurring trigger
• Q3 — "How do I know the difference between a slip and a pattern?" Recognizing minimization, the "moments before the moment," and the micro-decisions that lead to betrayal
• Setting boundaries to protect yourself from yourself — severing access, blocking and deleting, and the difference between a true slip and premeditated action
• Why your eyes look outward, not inward — and why owning your story ("if you don't believe you, nobody else will") is the turning point

If you've experienced a relapse and feel like all hope is lost but you want to get back on track, this is exactly what we specialize in. Weekly sessions often aren't enough — recovery this deep requires going further. Reach out for a free discovery call at couplesacademy.org to see how we can be part of your marriage story.

Resources & next steps:

• Free discovery call / consultation at couplesacademy.org
• 3-Day Private Marriage Intensive (affair-focused), 4-Day (individual healing), and comprehensive 5-Day Intensive (marriage restoration)
• Our book, Moving Forward After Infidelity — a tool for evaluating what led to the affair in the first place

Listen wherever you get your podcasts — Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and all streaming networks. Have a burning question for a future episode? Drop it in the comments — we read and respond to every one.

This is very common um where you're on the right track and then all of a sudden something happens and you detour and you go back into the very thing that you promised that you would never go back into. Uh is there hope? The answer is yes. [music] [music] Today we're talking about relapse.

How to break the patterns and to let go of the habits that are destroying your marriage. Three questions, one topic, real answers. Let's get into it. All right, today's first question is, I relapsed and reached out to the affair partner after months of no contact.

Is there still hope for me? Yeah, this is very common um where you're on the right track and then all of a sudden something happens and you detour and you go back into the very thing that you promised that you would never go back into. Uh is there hope? The answer is yes. Because whenever you say there is no hope, you're slamming the door in the face of God. But I think that it's important that you understand what may potentially be happening internally that caused the relapse in the first place. There was a study done on recovering alcoholics.

And they wanted to know why after so many months and years of being off the bottle, something triggered them and they went back into it. And there's this term that's entitled halt B. H A L T hyphen B. The H stands for hungry. The A is for angry. The L is for lonely. The T is for tired. The B is for bored. These represent internal mood states.

And so when they began to experience these feelings and emotions, it would drive them to the bottle. I'm angry. So the only way for me to deal with this anger is to is to sedate myself, so I drink. I'm lonely. rather than seeking companionship with another person, I find comfort in the bottle. I'm tired. Right? All of these emotions.

Well, the same thing that exists within them exists within all of us. And if you're not consciously aware of your own internal triggers, you could be driven into behaviors that you made vows and declarations that you would never step back into. And boom, here you find yourself in that same situation again because you're not regulating your own internal reality. Yeah. You know, that actually validates hangry.

You know how people used to be like, "I'm hangry. Why are you so mad?" But they're hungry. So that's actually part of B. So these are actually chemicals that are released in the body that make you feel a certain kind of way. Um I I talk about the soul tie because there's not enough discussion about the the spiritual aspect of the things that we do because I believe that everything is spiritual, right? And so we've all heard about soul ties where there's just this magnetic connection that you have with someone, right? where even though this person may not be good for you

or it's wrong, there's something that keeps drawing you back to this person. You've heard this discussed in Christianity and Catholicism and many other spiritual traditions. But neurology also has a perspective on this and brings some light to it because in um science they call this attachment, right? And so what happens with attachment and here we go getting into the brain again because the brain is so mysterious and interesting that even though a relationship isn't good for you because you have an attachment or a bond with this person

even if it's a toxic relationship I'm talking about to the highest level of narcissism once you get away from that person all of a sudden your brain will start to release memories and emotions that will cause you to fantasize about the potential and what could be and what was, your mind will start highlighting for you all the good days and all the things.

You'll start to miss that person and so you'll start to lose perspective on why you left that person in the first place. You'll start losing perspective on the reality of the situation and next thing you know you're drawn back in. And those attachments are usually based in things that you did not get as a child.

And so that person is attached to you because there's something that you're needing from that relationship even though it's toxic and you're getting it from that relationship. So there are things that happen scientifically, emotionally, you're talking about help B, all of these things are contributing to someone making a bad decision. And so yes, there's hope because there's therapy, right? And I think often times we only approach our healing and our reconciliation to self from one dimension, right? We only go and we talk to someone and get counseling, right? We don't think about going a psychology route, right? To get somebody into the details

of my brain. We never think to go that level or we don't think to bring spirituality into it so that we can start to release some things. And I think really we need to just start to approach things more holistically so that we could break free from things that we don't have control over. I I think what you're saying is deep Danielle and it's something that people do need to be aware of.

What happens is we think well relationship's over. It's been 3, four, five months, a year, two years. I'm done now. But there could be a psychological chain that binds you to that person cuz to your point it's in your heart. It's in your mind. It's in your memories. It's in your emotions.

And until you release that, and that's the journey. That's what that individual recovery process is for. I I have heard people say, "I still smell him." How on earth are you smelling him? You haven't seen him in two years. You're still smelling him. Because the brain is that powerful that it will bring a smell.

Have you ever had that happen to you where like a smell will come before you and it'll bring you back to your childhood. Oh my god, the liies or the poppies. The smell of the poppies. It brings me to when I was seven years old. That's how powerful your brain is. And so you can't just take a onedimensional approach to your recovery when you're dealing with something like that.

I have had women have to go on spiritual fasts, right, to break soul ties because it's that hard. It's like even though I know I don't even want this anymore, God, please help me. Help me forget his name. Help me forget his phone number. Help me forget his scent, his smell. I have had women say to me that I don't know. I I find myself even chewing like him. Like the person is in you because you're now connected.

So, we've got to do a little bit more than just have some talk therapy sometimes. Sometimes talk therapy isn't enough and we need to go a little bit deeper. Get some EMDR, you know, and really get some spiritual therapy to get get away from it. I want to pause for a moment because you're talking about the lengths and the depths that a woman has to go through in order to get that man out of his system.

In essence, he she has to go through a heat detox, right? Just like when you're in drugs, you go through a detox is a detox. I think that men generally speaking overly simplify how easy it is to just move on and be done. I mean, listen, I understand that we're wired different emotionally, but men have the same number of emotions that women have. And so, we think it's as simple as turning the switch on and off.

Like, it's over, it's done, I have no attachment. And we know that that is far from the truth. Yeah. And and I think it's different for men and women, too, because if we just look at nature, a woman is a receiver. We have a womb, right? And so I'm receiving from you. I'm receiving physically, spiritually, and emotionally from you. So that's three ties. Like you're tied with three chords there.

So it's not the same with men. This is why when women try to play a man's game, often time it doesn't work. You know, well, if he could be out here in the streets and hitting women after woman after woman, I can. But a lot of times you'll find, even though this isn't highly reported, but you'll find a lot of women who operate like that have schizophrenic tendencies.

Like they've literally gone crazy because how can you have a sound mind when you're attached to so many men? Now, this is going down a whole different route, but it's it's worth speaking to. We don't get to just play these games and pretend that everything is linear.

No, there is a spiritual, there is a physical, and there is an emotional component. And if you're not getting a grip on your healing emotionally, right, maybe there's something more that you need to do. If only the physical, if you've said, "Okay, I'm cutting this person off. I'm no longer doing anymore." But your mind is tormented. That's an area that needs healing. If your soul is tormented, that's an area that needs healing.

So, we need to look at this more holistically. And and I want to just reiterate the point that this is not gender specific. Yes, we're different. Our process is different. But when men get alone in their own space and have real conversations with each other, trust me, there's some soul ties that they need to be disconnected from as well. Oh, yes. So, so powerful, powerful question.

Um, the next question is actually from a caller. Uh, this is Julie. Let's hear what she has to say. We were 6 weeks from renewing our vows when I found out he had reached out to her again. I can't tell if I'm more devastated by the betrayal or the timing. Does the timing even matter? H first of all the timing matters immensely because what it speaks to is a complete and total illusion that this person unfortunately was living in.

How is it that I am planning my vow renewal? Do you know what it takes to plan a vow renewal? Like you the details involved. You're getting your family involved. It's like a wedding. You're getting your family involved. Your friends are involved. You're picking out food, clothing, flowers. You're picking out and investing finances into a hall, a place where people are going to gather. You're buying a beautiful big cake.

You're getting tuxedos and gowns. What in that space would make anybody think that somebody is having an affair? Mhm. [clears throat] So, yeah, you're dealing with two offenses. You're dealing with the offense of betrayal. Yeah. But you're also being you're dealing with the offense of somebody act actually putting a veil over your eyes, betraying you in a way that they have literally pretended to be somebody else. Yeah. In the midst of planning to walk you down the aisle. What a crisis. Yeah.

You know, this is you're right. You know, the betrayal or the timing. First of all, I always say there's no perfect time to cheat. If you could tell me a perfect time to cheat where you're not going to be hurt, please provide the information. No matter what the circumstance is, it's going to feel bad.

But what makes it tremendously worse and what we call death by a thousand cuts are the circumstances surrounding the affair. So in this case, she's planning a vow renewal. In other situations, you cheated while I was pregnant with your child. Okay? Or you cheated when we were in a season of transition.

We've seen that a lot of times there's a higher probability of infidelity when someone loses a job or when someone's relocating to another state or or you there's just seasons in life that creates vulnerability and detachments. And so when we were at our worst or when I thought we were at our best when everything was going right, you did it anyway. Um you cheated uh it's not the fact that you just cheated on me, but you cheated on me with um my colleague or with my sister-in-law. All of these circumstances make it tremendously more painful and a lot harder to

recover from. And so this is why this is why this is so damaging, Daniel. People don't think like you have to consider the consequences that may prevent you from going down these paths in the first place because once this hits your door, oh my goodness, man, right? And we talk about we talk about PISD post infidelity stress disorder and this will send you tail spinning into that because think about that like after discovering you know you were planning all these things now this person is going into literal intrusion number one you're going to have intrusive intrusive

thoughts right so now all the ideas that you were putting together what was happening at this and that time while I was planning and ordering my dress and my tuxedo he was talking to her so now you're going through all the details of your life trying to figure out when this betrayal began. Right? It is so unfortunate because now your spouse, not only are they dealing with intrusive thoughts, but the hyperarousal of it all, right? Now they're stressed out. Everything is a trigger.

Everything that they see in the house that reminded them once of a beautiful thing, now was a dark thing. And you know what we see a lot that happens is you know the affair happen any happening anywhere around like the um anniversary right now the anniversary is ruined like if anything was going on during our anniversary you mean to tell me that you took me out on an anniversary dinner but then you texted her while we were out to dinner now anniversary for the rest of our life is tainted tainted. Tainted. How about Valentine's Day? Everything. How about New

Year's Eve? How about the cruise we went on? like the calendar becomes the biggest trigger because I'm reminded year after year after year about that particular date and as long as I attach what you did to that date that date is ruined. Not just the date itself as we're approaching it, the date and then the aftermath of that date.

And so this is why you really really really if you're in that season where you feel tempted and you've just lost all hope or you've become careless because you care less about your situation and just want to throw it all away, consider the consequences. And the last thing I'll say about this because people really just need to think about this.

Like timing is just one little aspect of the crisis of an affair, right? But I think it could be belittled, right? That the timing wasn't that big a deal because you'll find couples will harp on that. Like the hurt spouse will just go back to the timing, back to the timing. And and this the offending partner doesn't really want to stay there. Okay, yes, I admitted it. I did it. But the timing is such a big factor because it's a different level of betrayal.

It's deception, right? Which is even more diabolical. Like, not only were you cheating on me, which is horrible and deception all on its own, but the deception of leading me down a path, making me think that everything was okay, when in reality it wasn't okay at all. [snorts] Maybe you've experienced a relapse in your marriage and you feel like all hope is lost, but you want to get back on track. Reach out to us at couplesacademy.org because we specialize in marriage intensives.

Whether it be a three-day where we focus on the affair specifically, a fourth day where we get into your individual healing, or that fifth day, that comprehensive five-day intensive where we also work on the restoration of your marriage and relationship. Weekly sessions are not going to be enough. You're going to have to go deeper. So, go to the website couplesacademy.org.

Set up a discovery call, a free consultation, so that we could see how we could be a part of your marriage story. So, we're just about to get into our final question, but before we do, I want to create a space for you to jump into the comments and ask your burning questions. We're always preparing for the next episode.

So, if there's something on your heart that you want discussed, drop those questions in the comments right now. Also, if you like listening to us on podcast, you can find us on Apple Podcast, Spotify, and other streaming networks. Let's get into our final question, and that is, I keep telling myself I only reached out because I was weak in the moment, not because I wanted her, but I'm not sure if I believe my own explanation anymore.

How do I know the difference between a slip and a pattern? Yeah. So first of all when I hear this I'm wondering is he minimizing what he has done by simply saying that it was a moment of weakness and the first question I have to ask is well how many moments of weaknesses have you had throughout the course of your marriage because answering that question will let us know whether this is truly a pattern or not.

A a moment of weakness is something that happens one time or maybe it's far in between between the first and the second time. But if it's an ongoing pattern that keeps rearing its head and it's it happens because of some internal trigger that drives you into a particular place. Yeah, it's a pattern based upon moments of weakness. So I think it could be both. I think it is both. I mean I think you hit it on the head when you were saying that.

I was thinking about how many licks does it get take to get to the end of a Tootsie Roll pop? You know, it's just like how many times are you going to have slip ups? Like if you are a slip up uh focused person then you have a pattern of slipping up right and then there's another question to be asked because often times it is minimizing right I just slipped up I didn't really want her I just you know it was just a moment where I couldn't control myself at the end of the day there were moments before the moment and these are the things that create the pattern you know when

she came to your mind what did you do right were you thinking about her were you envision visioning her and what you would do the next time you saw her, right? Is that part of your pattern? Uh, do you still have access to this person? Is that the slip up that you never actually sever ties with this person like you were supposed to? Did you block them and delete them or are they still accessible to you and they and and them accessible as well? Like at the end of the day, there are patterns that we create and sometimes people say that they just slipped up because

they don't set proper boundaries to protect themselves from themselves. Yes. You know, like you can't tell me that it's a slip up that you planned to go have lunch with somebody and ended up, you know, secretly rendevuing off to someone's bedroom. That's not a slip up or a weak moment. That's premeditated action.

And what you're talking about, Danielle, are micro decisions that you make along the way that leads to the decision of betrayal. It just doesn't just come upon you or happen. So, the whole slipping on the banana pill and I wound up inside of somebody's bedroom is ridiculous. No, there was an intentional effort to do what you did that put you in a vulnerable situation for a bad decision to be made. Right.

So he asked the question though. So like kudos to you for asking like I don't even know if I believe my own story. Right. Because if you don't believe you, nobody else will. Right. Exactly. And so at the end of the day, it really is about owning that. Like you know you you know if you are constantly creating situations where you have an opportunity to win or to fail.

And if you're constantly failing and saying, "Oh man, I failed again. I slipped up again. What are you doing to create the boundaries in your life and the actions that you are taking in the marriage or relationship that you have that will support the decisions that you say that you want to make? And that's the key because, okay, we we all we're human. All right, we all are fallible.

But if you keep doing the same thing over and over again and just want to blame it on a slip up, that's a pattern. And let me just say, sometimes it's hard. I don't care how hard you try, your eyes look outward, not inward. And so this is why it's important to work with someone. This is why it's important to grab on top of resources that you can read and begin to discover what's going on in the inside of you.

That's why we wrote the book Moving Forward After infidelity because it really puts a microscope on yourself to help you to properly evaluate what's going on that led to the affair in the first place. So if this episode hit home, we want you to subscribe. [music] You know, we did some research and found out that only 40% of our viewers are actual subscribers.

So, [music] click that subscribe button so that you can find out every time a new video posts and leave your questions in the comment section. We read them. We'll respond to them. We want to engage with you in a deeper way. So, until then, we'll see you on the next episode of Marriage Intervention.