Episode 7: How to Manage Your Divorce Grief, Heal, and Reclaim Your Life

Summary

In this conversation, Tania Leichliter, a divorce coach, discusses the emotional journey of divorce, emphasizing the importance of understanding and processing grief. She outlines practical steps for healing, including mindfulness, communication strategies, and the significance of support systems. Tania encourages individuals to take responsibility for their emotions, avoid victim mentality, and focus on empowerment and creating a positive vision for the future. The conversation aims to provide listeners with tools to navigate the complexities of divorce and emerge with a sense of hope and direction.

Takeaways

• Divorce grief is similar to the grief of losing a loved one.
• It's essential to meet yourself where you are emotionally.
• Throwing away the 'why' helps in moving forward.
• Designing a hopeful future is crucial for healing.
• Practicing gratitude can shift your perspective during tough times.
• Taking responsibility for your emotions empowers you.
• Avoiding a victim mentality is key to progress.
• Forgiveness is a conscious decision that liberates you.
• You have control over your mindset and reactions.
• Creating a vision for your future is vital for moving on.

Sound Bites

"Grief is normal right now."

"Meet yourself where you are."

"Stop playing victim."

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to Divorce Grief

01:09 Understanding Divorce Grief

04:21 Steps to Emotional Healing

07:04 The G.R.I.E.F. Framework

10:20 Processing Grief and Taking Action

13:17 Coping with Anger and Conflict

16:10 Finding Support and Moving Forward

26:50 Redefining Relationships Post-Divorce

30:17 Overcoming Victim Mentality

37:02 Navigating Divorce Grief and Acceptance

43:50 Empowerment and Forgiveness in Moving Forward

50:27 Creating Amicable Resolutions and Support Systems

Keywords

divorce, grief, healing, coaching, emotional support, amicable resolution, mindfulness, communication, empowerment, self-discovery

Thanks for tuning in to Better Than Bitter™, navigating an amicable divorce. Whether you are at the beginning of your divorce journey, midway through, or even done, we want the stories from our guests to give you hope that an amicable resolution is possible. If you'd like to dive deeper into today's episode, check out our show notes for a full transcript, reflections, and links to learn more about Better Than Bitter's coaching courses, and how to connect with our fabulous guests. If you're ready for more support, you can head over to betterthanbitter.coach .

On our website you'll find details and additional information on our 5-Step Gameplan multimedia course, our different types of coaching methods, monthly memberships, events and retreats, and a whole lot more. Plus, we've got a ton of free resources, like our monthly newsletter, our private Facebook group, our Instagram channel, and a library of articles and free webinars to help you along the way. When you go to our website, you'll be able to schedule a free 45-minute breakthrough call. Remember, we're here to help you reach an amicable resolution. Find your courage and believe in your brighter future because you know what? It is possible.

At Better Than Bitter™, we measure success by what we give and not by what we get. So let's change the divorce dialogue together. It's time to be better than bitter.

Do you want to Know if We Can Help You? Book A Free 1:1 Breakthrough Call Now! Click Here

Learn more about How To Work With US- Click Here

Watch Our Free Webinars- Click here

Welcome to the Better Than Bitter Divorce Podcast, where we flip the script on divorce and show you how to have a more amicable divorce resolution. I'm your host, Tania Leichliter a divorce coach, a certified life coach, and the mastermind behind the Better Than Bitter five-step game plan course, where I help individuals build a pathway towards a more amicable divorce resolution.

Each week, I'll bring you uplifting stories from people who've successfully experienced amicable separations, proving that divorce doesn't have to be a battleground. Whether you're overwhelmed with grief, struggling with custody and co-parenting, or just dealing with a high-conflict individual, this podcast is here to guide you towards reclaiming your life and being what I know is possible, better than bitter.

So today we're gonna be talking about divorce grief, how to heal, how to reclaim and how to move yourself forward.

So what does that even mean? And how does that kind of affect you as an individual who is in this process? So I just wanted to share a little bit more about me in terms of beyond just being a divorce success coach, a little bit about my background. So I am also a life coach and that is really where my training began. And what I really believed when I was training to be a coach was that

So much of what we learn as a life coach really does apply to the divorce coaching. And when I was faced with my divorce and having a background in life coaching, I was able to apply a lot of the techniques that we had learned in our life coaching program to my divorce. And the result of that was that I had this most amicable divorce. And people kept saying to me, my gosh, this is the most amicable divorce we've ever seen.

And therefore, I just decided to shift my business to shift my business so more people can change this divorce dialogue. More people can believe that a more amicable resolution is possible. And what I want to tell you all is that I'm not seeing that through the legal negotiation, it's going to feel all warm and fuzzy. It's just not. But

if you can keep your eye on the outcome that you want, not just for your own lives, but if you have children, really keeping the focus on what you believe you want for them and what you believe that they deserve in their lives, because again, they're not the ones getting divorced. So again, I really do help people navigate this very tumultuous time in their lives.

And I really believe that we all need to participate in changing this divorce dialogue, not making it so challenging to get divorced these days and not allowing for the legal system to push us in a place where we're going down this road of a contentious legal battle. So that is really the basis of what I do as a divorce success coach and the basis of the mission and the purpose around better than bitter. So let's move into grief. So

I do have to say that grief is normal right now. If you are feeling absolutely horrible, overwhelmed, if you feel and believe your life is crumbling in front of you, if you just can't really see straight, give yourself the space to know that that's normal. Grief is this divorce grief is very similar to death.

and dying. if you're going to be losing a loved one, or if you've lost anything in your life, you go through these very specific stages of grief, but what they are not is linear. They're not going to go from denial to anger to bargaining depression and blame. It's not like you can check those off and say, okay, I've done the denial now comes anger. These are going to be coming and going throughout the divorce process and also beyond.

But the most important thing at the beginning stages is that you have an awareness and recognize where you are, meeting yourself where you are and understanding that you are just grieving.

So what is it when we talk about this emotional grief when we talk about what are the steps by which we can take for emotional healing? And when we're talking about moving through our emotional divorce before we really step into the legal divorce, which is just so important. And I'm not saying you're gonna have completely processed your grief, but it's getting yourself to a place where you feel

stronger, more courageous, and hopeful before you step into that legal negotiation. One of the I'm going to talk about three specific steps that you can take where if you can go through these steps and you believe you've completed these steps that you can move into your legal negotiation with more confidence that you're not going to be

negotiating from a place of emotion. And that is very important. So the three initial steps are number one, meet yourself where you are having some recognition and acknowledgment where you're just like if you're just feeling angry, or if you are begging to get back together with your soon-to-be ex, the bargaining, if recognize it, okay, be like, wow, okay, I'm grieving.

I'm, this is just grief talking to me. Okay. I don't know if I actually really do want to get back together. I'm just bargaining because I'm feeling so badly that maybe I'll feel better if this is not what's happening right now. So meet yourself where you are. Draw some awareness of where you are in that process and allow yourself to sit with those vibrations in your body, those feelings.

come to you in different vibrations. It could feel like heat. could feel like your heart is racing. It could feel like you could just be not being able to sleep. You could be very anxious, but it could be heat. could be like I said, like butterflies. could be just so you're naming the feeling and where it's sitting. You could be having stomach aches. You could be feeling tightness in your throat. Okay, so those are always

of naming what you believe to be where you are and then talking about that specific feeling that you're feeling and acknowledging where you're feeling it and naming it. Okay. The second part is throwing away the why. So if you are on this call today and you have decided to get divorced,

But what's ruminating in your mind is why you're getting divorced. And that is what's going over and over in your head. And maybe you're pointing fingers back. Maybe you are taking the time to blame the other individual for how you're feeling. What I'm telling you now, it's very important to throw that why away in order to move yourself forward.

Granted there needs to be healing as to the why so you don't have the same behaviors or have the same habits if you are looking to have love in the future. But right now if you are trying to move your divorce forward throwing away the why not bringing the why into the legal negotiation is going to have a result that is going to be a more amicable resolution. Unfortunately the courtroom

is not going to make you feel any better. If you believe that somebody has been some sort of infidelity or you believe you have been wronged, there is nothing in the courtroom that is going to or in the legal process that's going to make that feel any better. And it's not the place to stick it to him. OK, it's just not. So you want to make sure that you are just leaving the why behind as you are moving into the

legal negotiation process. The third part is creating that hope, designing your future, and manifesting that desired outcome for yourself and for your children. Okay, if you have children, okay, what does that look like? How does my life look like in the future in the way that I want to design it? Okay, and don't get caught up in all of your fears.

Okay, don't get caught up in the financial fear. And maybe it's the fear of being alone or I'm not, I want you to put your fears aside and think about the ideal life by which you want to live. And when you can manifest that desired outcome, that becomes your guiding light. Okay. That means that every time you act, react, and behave, you have to think about how that

may result. What's the result I'm going to get from that behavior or that action or inaction? And then we talk about, okay, if I want to act, react, and behave in that way, how do I have to feel? If I'm feeling angry or resentful, how am I going to show up? What's that behavior I'm going to have? What's the reaction I'm going to have if I'm angry or resentful? Okay. And those feelings, those feelings come from

how we think, okay, the stories and beliefs that we're telling ourselves about the circumstances of our lives, okay, of the facts that we know in our lives. So it is not the life circumstance that creates a feeling. It is the way we think about it, okay? It's the stories and beliefs that we have created for ourselves that are making us feel. So.

If we are focused on the outcome that we want in our lives, the actions or reactions and behaviors that we do will affect those outcomes. And it's the feelings that make us act and react. But really, it all stems from our thoughts our beliefs, and the stories that we're telling ourselves. And if we're not telling ourselves a good story if we're not thinking the right thoughts to make us feel okay,

then it is not going to produce the results you're looking for in your life.

So what do we do to process this grief? Okay, so I have put grief in a way for us to acknowledge the behaviors and the actions we have to be taking in our life, but we do that based on utilizing the word grief. So the first letter in grief is G, okay? Gratitude, okay? I want each of you to spend five minutes each morning

with some gratitude, focusing on the good things in your life. It's so easy to slip into that negative mindset when you're facing such emotional pain. But by intentionally focusing on good things in your life, you will begin to shift your overall perspective. One of the things that I did is that I went out and found myself a theme song. Okay, a theme song that was about good.

Okay, and my theme song was the Jason Mraz song called Look for the Good in Everyone. And I would put in my airpods and I would walk my dogs in the morning and I had that song literally on repeat, whether it was a 10-minute to a 45-minute walk. The only thing I listened to was that song because what it allowed for me to do was to remember that my soon-to-be ex-husband had so much good in him.

Okay, even though there were things that were not right in our marriage, there was still a lot of good in him as a person. And I wanted to continue to focus on that good because the more I focused on the good, the better I felt about how I was going to be able to move this forward. And then because I was able to appreciate him for what he was versus what he was not. And so even though we were getting divorced, it's still important, especially if you have kids.

that you have a productive co-parenting relationship. So if you can appreciate the good in that individual, I promise you it will be a much better post-divorce experience. The second one is our responsibility, taking responsibility for your own emotions and actions versus blaming the other person. The worst thing that you can do is blame somebody else for how you are feeling. It's their fault.

Because what happens when you blame somebody else for how you feel, you are giving them all of the power over your emotions. Okay? And you don't want to give up your power. You want to be in control of how you feel. So blaming somebody else for how you feel is only giving them the power. Okay? So take back that power. Take responsibility for your own emotions.

your emotions, your feelings are coming from your thoughts, and the only person who is in control of your thoughts is you and you have the ability to rethink in order for you to refeel. Okay, it's not the other person that's making you feel that way. My example is a love when my son always says mom, you're making me feel guilty. Okay, I'm not making him feel guilty, right? I might have said something to him about doing his

homework, but yet he's blaming me for feeling guilty. But it's his thought about me telling him that he needs to do his homework. The thought is that he hasn't done his homework, but he's blaming me for making him feel guilty, right? Not the case. You need to take responsibility for your own feelings. The eye introspection. So looking inward and become aware of what you are feeling.

Okay, drawing some awareness to those feelings. Basically, what's happening when you can draw some awareness and understand the intent of your emotions, it's moving you from the back of your brain, the amygdala that's responsible for the fight, flight and freeze. Okay, that sympathetic nervous system that is on alert all the time. When you begin to be introspective,

When you begin to understand and look inward of your feelings, what is the intent? Why am I feeling this way? Why is it, what is the thought that's making me feel this way? When you begin to look inward, you begin to access your prefrontal cortex, which is your parasympathetic nervous system that brings you to a place of calm, okay? Calm and rational and logical, okay?

but it's about bringing awareness that's going to change the way that you feel in your body. Okay, that level of introspection. The E is evolution. Instead of seeing divorce as a failure, what if I challenged you to think of it as an opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery? So many people that I coach, talk about how much might've been lost.

in marriage in terms of your authentic self. And so some of the exercises that we do in the course that I teach are about trying to rediscover who you are. What did you lose of yourself in your marriage? You might have also gained a lot of things. Obviously, just because you're getting divorced doesn't mean that everything in your marriage was bad. I am sure there are lots of amazing things that happen in the course of your marriage and you should be celebrating those. Okay.

But the other part of that is the things that you lost that you want to get back. Maybe you used to love to go to concerts and you were such a music buff, but you married somebody who didn't like to do those things. And it's been years since you actually went out and enjoyed a concert. Maybe you used to fly by the seat of your pants and be more spontaneous and you were super fun. And when you got married, got, and maybe you got really just conservative in terms of your being and that

You're ready to let loose because there's so much that happened and maybe being a parent and everything else and responsible, like you lost your sense of fun. Like trying to regain that and trying to get back some of those elements of the authentic you that you miss. That's that evolution. It's not about failure. This is an opportunity to take you back. Okay. F is facing your fears. And I actually have a four-point,

four-part webinar series that I teach on fear because really fear is the core of so many of our emotions. And what happens when we are feeling fear, okay, is that we don't know that it's fear. Sometimes it's coming out as anger. Sometimes it's coming out as anxiety. Sometimes it's coming out as disappointment, but it's all coming from this core.

feeling of fear and really working on how to move yourself through that fear. Stop avoiding the fear. Again, this is really a four-part class that is really intentional about moving through your fears and making sure that you understand that it's not that the waves are not going to stop crashing upon you. It is the fact that you need to learn how to ride those waves move through that fear.

Okay, because when you learn how to move through that fear and certain techniques on how to create more mindfulness, part of that is that introspection. Part of it is how we access our prefrontal cortex and what skills that we need to get there so we can move through that fear and get to that other side with courage and hope for what is possible in our lives without getting completely hijacked by that sense of fear.

So how do we take action? Okay, so we've learned all of those different techniques, all those different ways that we can move through grief. But some of those specific actions that I was speaking about was coping with that initial shock is really about practicing that mindfulness, practicing the ability to recognize what that fear is. What is that emotion that I'm feeling?

Okay, and what is the intention behind it? What is it? Wanting me to do when you're feeling angry, think about what that fear component might be that's causing you to feel so angry. Maybe the fear of moving your life as an individual versus a couple that fear of just that loneliness or individuality that's going to

be created in this next chapter of your life. What is the intent of that? The intent is that it's trying to get me to understand that, I need to learn how to have a higher self-esteem. I need to learn how to have a higher sense of self. I need to have a higher sense of confidence that I'm ready to move forward, right? So that's what I'm talking about when I talk about the intent. So practicing that mindfulness,

giving yourself the space to get out of that fight, flight, or freeze environment, right? And trying to create the space and intent so you can feel more calm and how you're going to approach your life moving forward. Okay, the second part is channeling anger constructively. Okay, recognizing that you cannot control anybody else in your life. Okay, you cannot control

anybody else but what you can control is how you react to them. Okay, you can only control your own reactions. So if you believe you can't have an amicable resolution because you have somebody on the other side that might be very high conflict, I'm going to challenge you to say that but maybe if I was acting reacting differently when they say something when they do something it's the way I think about it.

in terms of what's going to create a feeling for me. So how am I reacting and acting towards things that they do or say? Am I attacking them? Am I threatening them? Because when you do that, they're going to attack and threaten right back at you. Okay, so it is learning the right communication techniques in order to get what you want in this divorce and learning how to be more effective in that process.

Again, that's a totally different webinar and course that we teach. And I did that for Vesta a couple of weeks ago. And if you're interested in that, that's something that I can get over to you as well. And the other part is learning the BIF method. So BIF, there's a great conflict resolution author's last name is Eddie. And he does this BIF method that we teach in our course, which is brief, informative, friendly, and firm.

So learning this technique with high-conflict individuals is really going to allow for you to channel some of this anger more constructively. Because if you are tending to respond from an attack and threat with attack and threat, that is going to only move you down this path in the wrong direction. So learning the BIF method for high conflict, learning the six techniques that I teach for how you can be more

thoughtful around how you communicate in general communications to get what you want in this process. So both of those techniques are super helpful. Again, I have more information on that if you're interested in diving deep into communication. The last one is finding that middle ground. You are not going to get everything that you want in divorce. Okay, you're just not.

And so part of the grief is about the loss, the loss, not just about the partnership, but the loss of maybe a house or maybe it's just your money and your belongings and the loss. my gosh. And so much of it is like not being able if you've got children. my gosh. I'm not going to see them every day. By the way, that is your thought and it might not be true. Okay. I had that thought.

That was something I really struggled with processing. But to be honest, even though we have split and shared custody, I still see my kids almost every single day. Because just because you don't have them overnight doesn't mean you're not going to go see them in sports. Or doesn't mean that you might not be helping them with their homework. If there's something that maybe you're better at than your soon-to-be ex, it doesn't mean that you're not being flexible in how you are.

support one another in terms of co-parenting. Just because they're not sleeping over at your house doesn't mean you don't get to see them. It just depends obviously on how you structure your parenting time. you know, it's just kind of a hole you don't want to dig yourself into in terms of all those stories you're telling yourself. my gosh, I'm not going to or I'm going to you're living in this fear place of fear. So finding this middle ground prioritizing what's important to you.

making sure that you do know that you're not going to get everything but making sure you're coming forward with your best foot forward for collaboration, cooperation, and compromise. Okay? It's a little bit of this and a little bit of that. There's a give and take in this process.

So the next one is really like how to take some steps towards healing. We've talked a little bit about this when we talked about the grief wheel, but seeking support and comfort really does help in healing, and finding your inner circle of trust. Okay, and what does that mean? So working with a coach or a therapist, but also finding a support group. As part of the course that I teach, you get a weekly support group as.

part of that and really finding individuals by which you can connect with and share with because they've gone through something similar. And actually, yesterday when we were on a different Vesta call, one of the things that came up was about who is in your inner circle. If you decide to reach out to all the divorced people in your area or your friend group or your family, but yet those divorces were highly contentious and really ended up

in a negative, not peaceful, not productive co-parenting way, the support you're going to get back from those individuals is going to bring you down their path of negativity. So try to surround yourself with people who all have the same goals toward a more amicable resolution and those who really believe that even if the negotiation process gets fiery or heated,

Just know that you still have the opportunity once it's all done to put that aside and say, okay, now I have to readjust my relationship. If you have children, you are going to have to redefine a new partnership and it's really best to put the old partner away and establish a new way of working together for the benefit of your kids.

And finding other people that have done that and done that, I absolutely recommend. I just launched a podcast. if anybody is interested in going to the Better Than Bitter Divorce Podcast, you can find it on all of the major podcast distribution channels. But again, we interview people who have had amicable divorces. We interview people who are adult children who have been who've come from amicable divorces. So it is possible.

Okay. And it's possible in ways that you might not believe today. Okay. So extending yourself to finding those individuals, listening to those individuals, being a part of support groups, all that have the same outcome in mind is going to bring you down the right path. The other part is I can't stress this enough. Stop playing victim. Okay. Stop pointing fingers.

There is an acronym when we talk about having a victim mindset. It's BED, okay? Getting yourself out of bed. B for blame, E for making excuses, whether they're for yourself or for the other individual, and denial, okay? Denial of your taking your own responsibility. If you are denying that this has nothing to do with you and that.

this divorce is all somebody else's fault and just stop playing victim. Okay, it always takes to a detango and again, we're trying to throw away the why. So we're trying to move your life forward. But if you're stuck in a victim mentality, you're going to be ruminating over those things, the blame, the excuses, the denial. Okay, put that outside and decide to moving your life forward and that's what we do in coaching. It's about what's

moving ourselves forward. It's about taking accountability, taking responsibility, and taking ownership of yourself. Okay, not saying that you've taken the ownership and responsibility for why you're getting divorced 100%, but it's how you're taking ownership and responsibility for yourself moving your life forward. Okay, you're gonna get stuck if you stay in bed. Okay, you're just gonna get stuck. And the acronym for Victor is or. Ownership.

accountability, responsibility. Just imagine yourself rowing yourself up the river. Okay, not back. Okay, up the river, taking out those oars, taking responsibility for yourself, deciding that you are in charge of what your life is going to be like moving forward and that you are going to be responsible for your own actions. Okay, only you. That's the only thing you can't control that other person. I can respond differently. I can

take ownership and responsibility for how I act and respond and behave. And that's all you can do, right? You can't control the other individual.

So these are some writing exercises and just for showing up today you are going to get a recording in this so you can either go ahead and take a photograph of some of these exercises or just wait for this to come into your inbox so you can do this work. But it's really about clearing the pain. Okay, these are just some of the exercises that you can do. The first one is I want you to start with happy memories. Okay.

I want you to get out of pen and I want you to write a letter to your soon to be ex or your ex. Okay, because I so many people here might have already gone through the divorce process and are really still struggling with the grief. Others of you might be in different phases, but start with the happy memories. Okay, and write a letter. Okay, write a letter and this goes back to the gratitude. Okay.

We want to express gratitude for the good. We want to remember the good. We want to celebrate the good. If you have children, they deserve to remember the good, okay? They deserve to know that they are such beautiful individuals who came from two people who at one point really were in love with each other and that you're so grateful for the fact that they are in your lives, okay? But there's more than that. So write down those happy memories.

The next red letter is when I knew that we may just be better apart. Okay, even if you did not decide to get divorced, maybe you were asked, okay, maybe somebody came to you, maybe you're soon to be exit, I want a divorce. Okay, but usually, when that happens, there has been probably some dissatisfaction on both sides of that marriage and

Possibly one of you would have wanted just to stay because you were fearful of what would be on the other side, which is divorce. You weren't wanting willing to get divorced because there was going to be a lot of loss there that you weren't willing to face. But most likely if you were to take away that fear, there was a point by which

You guys just weren't meeting eye to eye. Maybe you didn't look at life through the same lens. Maybe you had two different views on what you wanted to do when you retire. Maybe your parenting styles were completely different. Maybe your intimacy issues were off-kilter. Maybe your love languages weren't aligned. Again, when was that point by which you knew, you know what? If I didn't have all these fears, we would be better apart. Write that letter.

Write down a chronological timeline of all your good memories, okay? And bad. If there were some tipping points in your marriage, yeah, just write them down. I know this is hard to do because life could be long. I was married for 20 years, so that's a pretty long timeline. But go ahead and just write down those chronological timelines of the goods and your kids and the badge. get the celebrations, the travel you did, the friends you made, the communities you've built. Write down some of that in a timeline.

So the next letter is these memories that keep bubbling up in my head and I just can't seem to forget that letter, the goods and the bads. Some of those great memories could just be continuing to bubble up in your head and you're like, God, like we would still be together if we could have held onto those moments, okay? Or God, that was such a crazy bad moment in our lives together that I just can't seem to forget that. And that might be the reason why we just weren't able to

continue this relationship. Again, jotting down so you don't have to do this all in one sitting, by the way, I would say do one a day, like definitely don't do this all in one sitting, but it's just some work that is good to get onto paper. And again, sometimes you can't even get through one of these exercises in a day, so split it up, but it's up to you. The next one is relationship memories, the highs, the lows, what you liked, what you just couldn't move past, what you wish you understood.

why your life just seemed so much harder together, how that individual helped you get through some tough times. So just remember those things and again who you were at the beginning of the relationship and maybe what you had lost in the relationship. So we talked about that when we were talking about the grief cycle. And then I want you to share a heartfelt letter with some of these relationship memories. Again you don't have to send this it's just something that I want you to hold

with you and it really will help you reframe your thinking and make sure you're not thinking about all the bad right now. It's allowing for the good and the bad and the ugly to all kind of intermix and be clear with how your body is feeling with this loss letter. Okay, so it's summarizing everything that's going on right now, but allowing for you to have some different focal points and get it on paper. And I don't know if you guys have ever

heard about doing a burn, I, but I remember when my daughter had broken up with her boyfriend and it was a tremendous loss for her. And we had her gather up all of the things in her life that just reminded her of him. And we went outside and we put it in a contained container, like something that was like a fire pit container and we lit it on fire. And for her, it was really cathartic to just burn.

that away. Now, I'm trying to tell you you're married, right? Or you were married, you spent some time. I do want you to not only think about the bad and burn away that burn away the bad, but I want you to focus on the good, especially if you have children, it's going to be very important for you to continue to celebrate the good with them to remind them of the good to remind them that there was good in their lives and that this is not all bad. They should never be used as a weapon. Please don't do that.

Make sure all of the conflicts or interactions that you're having with your soon-to-be X are happening behind closed doors. Make sure you're not throwing your X under their soon-to-be X under the bus. Your children do not deserve to have any bad feelings about their other parent. Okay, I know you might have some but they don't deserve to have those same feelings that are between you and your soon-to-be X. Okay, I can't stress that enough.

Okay, you do not want to inflict any long-lasting trauma on your children. And the way that you do that is by creating high-cost scenarios by which they are going to be observers. again, not pointing fingers in front of them is really important.

So the two final stages, so why do we do all this? The two final stages of this divorce grief are when we get to that place of acceptance. We've done the work, okay? Again, you are still gonna most likely to feel little pings of this and that throughout the divorce process and possibly beyond. But yet, if you get to this place of, okay, this is what it is and I have to move my life forward, I'm gonna throw away the why. I've met myself where I am.

I've manifested my desired outcome. I feel like I know where I want my life to go. I'm accepting where I am right now and I'm ready to rebuild. Okay? When you get to that point, the result is going to be a sense of empowerment, a sense of courage. And if you can have empowerment and courage when you enter into that legal negotiation, you will have a much higher likelihood of a more amicable resolution.

Your legal negotiation is a business negotiation. It is the hardest contract negotiation that you probably will ever experience. So if you are somebody who's worked in the corporate world or worked in an environment where you've had to negotiate contracts, this is going to be the hardest one. As contracts are a series of give and take and compromise and cooperation, you need to get to an agreement and you want to get to that agreement before

without going and having a judge decide on your behalf. We want you to move forward towards a more amicable resolution. We want to encourage you to try mediation first, okay? Work with a mediator. Even if you get 90 % done with the mediator and you have to move into something by which somebody else has to help you with that last 10%, there are still other ways.

for you to reach an agreement without having a judge decide on your behalf or having two lawyers fight it out and then have to go to court because you can also use arbitration. You can use an arbitrator, another third party to listen to both sides with each of your lawyers if you get to that point. But my hope is that you can get to an agreement through mediation where they can draft up an agreement. It doesn't mean you might not have to have lawyers who look at it, but we really do hope.

that you can move through this process. And again, part of it is how you deal with your grief. If you have not processed a lot of your emotional divorce before you step into that legal divorce, you are going to be acting from a place of emotion. You're gonna be very reactive. You're gonna be threatening. There's gonna be attacks. You're gonna not be communicating well together. So this part of what I'm teaching today is super, super important.

Finding the peace enclosure, embracing forgiveness. Forgiveness is a conscious decision. It's not just emotion. So you want to get to the point where you're liberating yourself from this bitterness. Okay? I know if somebody has not been faithful to you, it is very hard to get over the bitterness, but try, okay?

They are them and you are you and just because they had made that decision it is something that they did to you. I just want you to try to heal from that. Okay, life doesn't happen to you. Sometimes it happens for you and that is just something that you can use as another affirmation in your life and try to rethink that that maybe this is going to be better for you.

Okay, if you can reframe yourself, reframe your thinking around that. I know it feels horrible right now, but just because somebody else might've had an affair, that doesn't mean that you are less than, okay? It's usually a need for validation of another individual and their needs versus what you're not, okay? And coming to the conclusion of that really can liberate yourself from that bitterness, okay? Prioritizing your well-being, okay?

Getting that sense of self, we do a lot of this self-love work in the course that I teach, but clinging to only grievances in your life is going to poison your heart and your mind. Okay. So all of that gratitude work, trying to prioritize forgiveness, doing things that feel good for you, self-care, self-compassion, self-love, self-respect, self-worth.

Okay, learning how to grow and build those things. Forgiveness is not about excusing those behaviors. Again, I'm not saying go forgive somebody for having an affair or go forgive somebody for treating you horribly or with some level of emotional abuse. I'm not telling you to excuse their behaviors, but it's unburdening yourself, okay, from this weight of resentment. Okay, I'm gonna say that again, unburdening yourself from this weight of resentment.

tell another story. So my ex-husband's mother was at my sister-in-law's shower and we went for a walk she'd been divorced for over 30 years to my father-in-law and she started going at him again like complaining so much resentment in her voice and I finally looked at her and I was like my gosh 30 years later let it go okay so

bring some awareness to yourself. Like, why can't I let this go? Why can't I let this go? Because the only person that is going to suffer without letting it go is me. Okay, so trying to get yourself unburdened will really alleviate that weight of resentment on your shoulders. Let it go. Recognize the limits of external validation. So waiting for an apology, okay, or waiting

for something to change will only impede your progress. They're gonna be who they're gonna be. You can't change them, okay? Waiting for them to say, I'm sorry, waiting for them to say, I'm wrong. Okay, it's just gonna impede your own progress. Just stop waiting, focus on yourself and focus on what you can control. Okay, the next part is forgiveness means moving forward independently, okay?

Regardless of whether the other party acknowledges wrongdoing, okay, it doesn't matter. Move yourself forward. That's the only thing that you can do is move yourself forward.

So empowerment, creating this vision. And we talked about manifesting your desired outcome, okay? And so what does that even mean and what do I do to do that? Define what's important to you. Write down your vision for your future and write down the emotional well-being, financial stability, the human connections that you wanna have, and how those human connections are gonna make you feel. Thinking about your kids, doing the same exercise.

around them about defining what's important about your relationship with your kids, what your soon-to-be's relationship is with your kids, how you want your kids to be able to move and launch and be adults in their life, and how you want them to look at relationships and how you can model that moving forward. Even though you are getting divorced doesn't mean your kids are going to be

ruined as it relates to relationships. You have a chance right now to re-establish how to model good behavior in divorce. Okay? And I'm hoping that you'll be able to model new behavior in a new relationship moving forward because so much of the work that you're going to do through this process will get you set up to be better in the next chapter of your life.

So getting the results that you want, again, I'm going to stress this enough. It is not your life circumstances that create feelings. It is your thoughts. It is your thoughts that create your feelings. And when your thoughts create feelings, those feelings are what drive your actions, your behaviors, and your reactions. Okay? And it is those actions or behaviors or reactions in your life that are going to dictate the results that you get.

Okay, you're not gonna get the results that you want in your life if you continue to not forgive. if you continue to not change your inner dialogue, if you continue to not rethink asking yourself each day, how is that thought serving me today? challenge yourself, challenge your thinking. the only way you're gonna get the results you want in your life is if you're consistently challenging the stories and beliefs that you've created.

in your thoughts. so I know this has been a lot. a lot to think about, but it's time to do the work. So what is it? So do you want to not heal from divorce? Or do you want to have a brighter future? do you want to stop thinking that you can't? instead of moving your life forward with this

I've got this attitude, You have control over your mindset, It's not about the I can'ts, It's about the I can and I will, What would it feel like for you to bring that vision of what you want to reality? Okay, what would it feel like for you to that manifested desired outcome you defined?

What would it feel like for you to bring that to reality?

So super excited to be here. And it was such an honor to be able to present to you this divorce

grief, healing and reclaiming yourself because I know I've been there. It's just, this is the most important piece of getting through this process.

I want to change the divorce dialogue. I don't want to make it so hard for people to get divorced. We want to support people in a way that we can create amicable resolutions so kids don't suffer from long-lasting trauma. You don't suffer from long-lasting trauma that's often associated with contentious litigation or legal battles. And we want to save you money.

At the end of the day, working with a coach, I know there are upfront costs here, but I guarantee you, you will save money if you get coached because we help you with the dos and the don'ts of the process and we support you along the way because guess what? Your lawyer is not your therapist. Your lawyer is not your coach. They will take your money if you want to use them like that, but it is money that you don't need to spend. Most of this stuff that we do is

have an hour on a monthly basis, less than an hour of the time of a specific lawyer. So if you're thinking to yourself, my God, I don't have the money to work with a coach. I'm telling you, if you have to hire a lawyer, you have the money to hire a coach because we will save you money because there's definitely a lot that you can be doing on your own. And before you even step into your legal process.

Thanks for tuning in to Better Than Bitter™, navigating an amicable divorce. Whether you are at the beginning of your divorce journey, midway through, or even done, we want the stories from our guests to give you hope that an amicable resolution is possible. If you'd like to dive deeper into today's episode, check out our show notes for a full transcript, reflections, and links to learn more about Better Than Bitter's coaching courses, and how to connect with our fabulous guests. If you're ready for more support, you can head over to betterthanbitter.coach .

On our website you'll find details and additional information on our 5-Step Gameplan multimedia course, our different types of coaching methods, monthly memberships, events and retreats, and a whole lot more. Plus, we've got a ton of free resources, like our monthly newsletter, our private Facebook group, our Instagram channel, and a library of articles and free webinars to help you along the way. When you go to our website, you'll be able to schedule a free 45-minute breakthrough call. Remember, we're here to help you reach an amicable resolution. Find your courage and believe in your brighter future because you know what? It is possible.

At Better Than Bitter™, we measure success by what we give and not by what we get. So let's change the divorce dialogue together. It's time to be better than bitter.