In this week's episode of 'Doing Divorce Different,' we revisit a transformative conversation with JJ Flizanes, an expert in emotional healing. The host reflects on the profound impact JJ's courses have had on her life and discusses core emotional wounds. JJ elaborates on her 'Roadmap to Emotional Healing' course and the importance of understanding and processing one's emotions. They also explore the topics of self-empowerment, the mind-body connection, and overcoming fears related to health and disease. The host shares personal stories of emotional challenges and healing, highlighting the benefits of JJ's teachings.

00:00 Introduction and Special Episode Announcement

00:55 Welcoming JJ Flizanes

01:23 Discussing JJ's Courses and Emotional Healing

02:04 Understanding and Managing Unwanted Feelings

04:35 Exploring the Concept of Core Wounds

06:52 The Power of Belief and Epigenetics

09:02 Personal Stories and Medical Experiences

14:15 The Importance of Self-Trust and Intuition

23:15 Understanding the Core Wound Map

23:35 The Roadmap Course: A Self-Study Journey

24:10 The Power of Recognizing Patterns

25:02 The Importance of Changing Habits

25:25 Critique of Traditional Talk Therapy

25:49 The Role of Different Healing Modalities

26:42 Identifying and Addressing Core Wounds

29:58 Personal Stories and Core Wounds

33:15 The Impact of Emotional Processing

37:41 Reflecting on Childhood Memories

41:26 Final Thoughts and Course Information

DIY Parenting Plan Course

https://linktr.ee/LesaKoski

jjflizanes.com/lesa

Welcome to doing divorce different.

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I'm really thankful that you're here.

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And this week I'm doing

something a little bit different.

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I'm sharing an episode that

I did with JJ Flazains.

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She's amazing.

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She has taught me so much.

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She was on my saddle up live podcast

talking about her courses and I have

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taken them and my life has changed.

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And I think about how I want

to empower all my listeners who

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are going through a divorce.

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And so I feel like the things

that I have been learning can

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help us all through hard things.

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So that's why I'm doing a little

introduction for this week's episode.

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It's a good one.

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It's going to help you if you're going

through divorce or if you're just

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going through something else difficult,

or you just want a better life.

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Stay tuned.

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Welcome listeners.

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This is a sweet surprise.

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We had JJ Flizzines on last week.

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And we've spaced this out.

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So voila, she's back.

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And I'm so excited because I was so

intrigued and just kind of fell in love

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with, um, your spirit and your wanting to

learn, because that has always been in me.

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And so listeners.

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As you know, because JJ, I've been

talking a little bit about what

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I've learned through your course.

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I took JJ's course and what I love

it's, is it called I Am Empowered?

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Is that what it's called?

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Or is that that worksheet that I have?

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No, that's just the worksheet.

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So the course is called the

Roadmap to Emotional Healing.

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Thank you.

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Sorry, I should have had that down,

but, um, and it is a roadmap and

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very, it's filled with information.

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Um, there's another course that

goes through your, um, feelings

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and emotions and your needs.

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And I found that really helpful.

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And I actually did a podcast on that.

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So listeners go back and listen

to that or take the course because

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you get it in there as well.

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And so we're going to be talking about

JJ's course on core wounds a little

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bit today and, and I have questions,

but before we jump into that, JJ, I

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do have a question and my listeners,

if they go back and listen, they'll

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understand how you need to understand

your feelings when you're not having,

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when you're having an unwanted feeling,

understand it, and then look at.

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What is the need that I'm not getting

and how can I fulfill that myself?

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And I love that.

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And I've been using that and I've been

using, okay, you have to tell me, is

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it whole pony pony or whole Pona Pona?

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Oh, Pona Pona.

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Neither.

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Oh, a Pono Pono.

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So I've said it right, but people know

I have ponies on my mind cause they're

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right over there in the barn next to me.

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So, so, but I've been doing that prayer.

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Along with the becoming

aware of the feeling.

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And I told my listeners last

week, I just did it last night.

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There was a worry that popped up and I

stopped and I went, okay, where is it?

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How do I, you know, I feel it.

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And then I know that I tend to

over mother and we'll kind of

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get into that a little bit later.

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But then I did the prayer, you

know, where I'm like, I'm sorry.

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Please forgive me.

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And I kind of go, I'm sorry,

God, please forgive me.

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I know you love me.

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I know you're taking care of this.

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You know, thank you.

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I love you.

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And it is.

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I get peace and like

I've never felt before.

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So I love that.

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But I do have a question for you on

one of the feelings that I deal with.

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I've always had this.

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And then, you know, I had that stage one

breast cancer and that really scared me,

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but JJ, I've always been really afraid

of sickness and death, like terrified.

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Like I go into the doctor and

my blood pressure is sky high.

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Like I'm just.

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and, you know, sick to my stomach.

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And, and so I looked at that and I sat

with it and I know that anxiety isn't

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a feeling it's repressing a feeling.

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So I kind of dig into that and I go,

okay, so I'm, I'm anxious and I'm scared.

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I'm scared, you know, and I kind

of feel out of control because

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there's only so much I can do.

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Right.

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I try really hard to be healthy

and follow the rules to be healthy.

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And.

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Um, which I'm learning now how

to like have more fun and be

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a little bit less stressful.

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But when I looked at what is that

need that's not being met, what I came

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up with is physical safety is, and I

thought, because I'm thinking like,

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is my body behind my back being sick?

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I'm going to say that's what the

obvious and this framework of the

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feelings and needs list, you know,

I teach it at the beginning of every

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course, no matter what I'm doing.

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I think I'm trying to

remember no date, your body.

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We don't do this because it's in

the rewire program and it's in

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the roadmap to emotional healing.

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And I think I teach it at

every live event there.

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It's sort of like, it's the getting

the verbiage down because I first

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have to make sure that we start from

the position of empowerment of that.

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If you have a problem or

you're not feeling it.

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happy and you're in a negative feeling,

it's always because regardless of your

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core wounds, regardless of any other

framework you want to work with, it's

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because in that moment, there's a need

that's not being met for you though.

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I don't think you're in, you're in,

in that moment, you're feeling unsafe,

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but I don't think it's, it's because

you're You've kind of given up power

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or control or ownership of your safety

to testing to the medical world to,

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uh, and I don't know that I think

that's the actual need underneath it.

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So this, this exercise, which

I think I taught last week,

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right, is very, very important.

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Simple, but it isn't easy.

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And it's not easy because no one

is taught to recognize their needs.

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And again, it always normally comes with

the, I need you to, I need them to, I need

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it to, there's always a blame of a loss of

power and control over to somebody else.

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What I actually think you are looking

for is peace and ease and trust.

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And I don't know if

there's a family history.

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I don't know.

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And I don't know if I said this

last week, so let me say it now.

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There are only six genes.

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Six and I can read them too, if you want

me to six genes that Cannot be changed

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and if you're born with them, that's

sort of the end of the story Okay, I

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mean but but everything else people

think oh cancer is genetic cancer is not

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genetic There is no cancer gene there.

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I mean there are genes that can be

expressed as cancers But again, it's

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it's not Genetics may, there's a saying

in the medical world, in the functional

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medicine, naturopathic, that genes load

the gun, epigenetics pulls the trigger.

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So it doesn't matter if the gun

is loaded, you have your genes.

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Whether they express themselves

or not is completely based on your

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epigenetics, which is layered into

the environment you're in, the stress

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that you have, the food that you eat,

the, you know, all of the things that

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you have 100 percent control over.

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So, and it has to do with beliefs.

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So going back to sort of a law

of attraction principle, you're

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going to manifest whatever

you believe, not what you are.

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So if you have a fear, which people often

do, well, everyone in my family has had

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this, therefore I'm going to have it.

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And they actually believe that.

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So regardless of whatever

physical things that they're

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doing to try not to have that.

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The belief is they're going to get it.

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Because when you don't understand

that you get to change the expression

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of your genes, you get to decide.

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And I hate to say this because

it's not me inviting it in,

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but cancer doesn't scare me.

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It never has.

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If I get cancer, I know

exactly what I'm going to do.

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And I know what I won't do because it's

look, it's looking at the imbalance.

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It's a.

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In Chinese medicine, I don't

know if we talked about this last

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week, but Chinese medicine, they

don't recognize tumors or cancer.

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It's stagnant energy.

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It's energy that's been stuck.

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Well, there's a reason it's stuck.

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And depending on where it's stuck,

there is a, there's a meridian.

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There is a chakra.

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There is an energy system attached

to that area of your body that

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gives you information about

where your energy is stuck.

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So when in acupuncture, Chinese medicine,

they're treating the entire person, not.

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A tumor that we're going to go in and

you know Radiate or whatever and think

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that that's going to kill it and get

rid of it Because anyone that's doing

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that because there's a lot of cancers,

especially breast cancer that reoccur.

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I've got a client right now She's on

her fourth time having and she did

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traditional stuff the first two times

and she did naturopathic stuff the second

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Or i'm, sorry the third and now She's

in a whole different, like, where, how

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she's handling or how she's being with

this, but it's because, and I love her

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if you're listening, uh, it's because she

actually really hasn't gotten to the root.

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The one thing I keep harping on about

the emotional piece, and it's like,

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we've done all the, we've done all the

foods and the change in the different,

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uh, treatment plans and the different

medications and the different supplements

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and the different, like, things.

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But there's, there's a, still a

through line of a belief system,

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like a current, your, your belief

system is a, is a frequency.

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It's a current.

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And if I, in the back of my mind, truly,

truly believe that because my mom, my

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grandmother, my great grandmother all

had this thing that I'm doomed to get it.

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No matter what I do, I'm going to

get it regardless of how I live,

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because that's what I believe.

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So it's B it's being able to

change your belief systems.

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Okay.

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Can I jump in and ask you something

that is so true with like the high

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blood pressure stuff, because I'm like.

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Oh my gosh, my grandpa died young.

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You know, I had watched two grandpas,

one like had the, had the first like

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open heart surgery in the country years.

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You know, I mean, I just, I've seen a

lot of that and maybe that was scary

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to me, but honest to God, JJ, I didn't

think I was going to get cancer.

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I didn't think I was going

to get breast cancer.

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It was, it's not in my family.

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I don't have big, huge boobs.

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I was always like, I'm not getting this.

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I never, I truly, I feel like, down

to my toes, I never, I was shocked.

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I was like, what the hell is this?

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But the gift that cancer can bring,

as any diagnosis can, whether it's,

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and I'm just talking to people

who assume certain genetic pieces.

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Like, I have a friend who's in

town and I heard he has cancer.

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I haven't talked to him, but I also

know his dad died young, and so I have a

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feeling that feeling that he sort of in

the back of his mind, kind of figured he'd

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die young, regardless of how he was going

to die, uh, for you and for most people,

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breast cancer is as we, I think we talked

about last week, but if not breast cancer

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is usually an out of balance of giving and

receiving, it's the nurturing of others.

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On top of yourself, it's depleting

of yourself at the expense

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of yourself for other people.

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And that's, that's the gift that

if you can get that awareness

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and change that habit, it's not,

it's, yes, there's other factors.

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Potentially there's, you know, the

terrain, 10 of different factors

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at your body that creates the

foundation from which disease happens.

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Cause it doesn't happen overnight.

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It happens over time.

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So over time that gets compounded,

but you get to say, wow, how

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did I, how did I attract this?

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Oh, cause I'm constantly.

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Out of balance with giving to other

people at the expense of myself and.

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That goes that when you learn that, you

can say, great, I'd like to change that.

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And that is where you have to

understand what's, what it is.

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And again, I'm sure there's other

things, there's certain food

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things or certain radiation.

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Like I'm sure there's other factors,

but if we're looking at the behavior, I

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just saw a clip on social media, uh, a

doctor on another podcast talking about

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autoimmune diseases and how women get

90 percent of the autoimmune diseases.

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And because, and the personality type that

gets auto immune diseases are over givers.

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People that, I think I saw that,

yes, yeah, and so it just, it, there

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are cancer personality types, right?

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For people that sort of don't like thyroid

for instance, thyroid is about the throat

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and the throat chakra and, and having

a voice and speaking your truth and

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asking for what you want and, and, and.

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You know, just having a voice period.

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So people that have thyroid issues,

most of the time have been stuffing

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their beliefs, their desires, their

needs, because we're not taught.

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This is not something

that we ever get taught.

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You have to search it out.

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It's not taught in school.

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It's not taught in, you know, anywhere.

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And, uh, and so I think it's really

important, like I said, the beginning

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that this exercise from last week,

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It is simple, but it is not easy

because you do not have models for this.

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You do not have models for taking

responsibility for how you create

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your own energetic container that

either attracts or repels health.

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Yeah.

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And, um, yeah, cause there's

a lot of things we don't, I

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never thought I'd get divorced.

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Oh my God.

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You would have asked me.

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I would say I will never get divorced.

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Like it was not in the cards for me.

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I fought.

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But then at some point there's

a surrender that happens to

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say this is out of my hands.

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I have done this has led

me through an education.

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I couldn't have gotten otherwise.

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This has led me through

personal development that I

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wouldn't have gotten otherwise.

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This has led me to the life I have now.

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That I had no idea was in

store for me, but the road

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looked the way that it looked.

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I needed, I needed a reason.

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I needed a really good reason that I

was attached to, that I cared about

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deeply more than anything because I can

fix anything, but I can't make someone

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else want something they don't want.

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Right.

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So, so the lesson in that while it

was, you know, it's life, we come

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here to learn and you know, part of

life school is you have to have a

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challenge that you can learn something.

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And it doesn't mean you just suffer.

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That's the difference.

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If you take it with a

little bit of levity.

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of like, Oh, and especially at,

you know, stage one, Oh, okay.

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This is my body that I wasn't

apparently listening to before.

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I don't know what other symptoms you

might've had, but the body will continue

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to get louder and louder until you listen.

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And we have the opportunity

to learn how to stop and go.

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What's it saying to me?

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How do I check in?

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Like at my embodied healing intensive.

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I don't know.

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I had everybody muscle test.

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I taught them how to muscle test and

I gave them all the chakras and we

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muscle tested every chakra and every

emotion within the chakra to see

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what was out of balance for people.

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So they would know where to start with

how, you know, what am I looking at for

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healing and connecting and reconnecting?

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Um, I have the list.

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Let me just read quickly the, uh,

the six because I know someone's

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going to ask the six genes.

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It's cystic fibrosis, hemophilia,

Huntington disease, Ty Sachs

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disease, Marfan syndrome.

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and hereditary hemochromatosis.

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Those are the six genes that,

uh, again, epigenetics, I'm sure

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will still play a role in the

intensity of someone's expression.

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Because again, if you think

about the container of your body

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and you're all stressed out,

the body can't heal in stress.

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Your adrenaline's going, your

cortisol's going, you're, you know,

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you're not in a receptive mode.

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When you're not, when you're in a

more relaxed, happy state, you have

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oxytocin going, you know, you're

anti inflammatory, your body's

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doing what it needs to do to heal.

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And sometimes when we get in a

diagnosis of any kind, We immediately,

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and I'm, again, it comes down to

that belief of, for me, I know I

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go, well, I know how to research.

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I trust my intuition.

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I, I had fibroids and I was, um,

went to many, many doctors who

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told me I needed to have surgery.

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It was too far gone.

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And I just, I cried every

time I was in the office.

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I bawled my eyes out and because

I wanted a different solution

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and nobody was giving me one.

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And it took me to the last

appointment when I was scheduling

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the surgery and crying hysterically.

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Then I was like, hello McFly.

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You do not believe this.

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You do not believe this because

if you did, you'd feel relief.

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If this solution was the right solution

for you, you would feel good about it.

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And I did not feel good about it.

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So I stopped, I canceled it.

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And two years went by and I did all

kinds of things in those two years.

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And I even got rid of one by myself,

wouldn't recommend it, lost a lot of

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blood, but, uh, but I did it naturally.

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And, and then, uh, I, and my intuition

said, go, go look at the research.

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Cause there was a procedure

that I wanted to do.

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It was, um, uh, uterine

artery embolization.

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And, and it was at the time you,

if you wanted to get pregnant,

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you, they said, don't do this

because it will, it'll hurt that.

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This is not, this is not safe.

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So I was like, okay, so I didn't do it.

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Well, two years go by and

then my, my intuition says,

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Hey, go check it out again.

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So I go online.

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Two years later, it's

180 degree different.

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Now, now it's the fertility preserver.

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I'm like, okay, great.

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So I got myself an appointment.

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I went in and needless to say, I,

there's a whole story to this, but I'll

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say, you know, everything was good.

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Even the fact with the doctor was saying

to me, two doctors, Looked at me and said,

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I'll do this, but I don't recommend this.

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And I said, of course, what do you, you

know, I'm just curious what you recommend.

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I didn't care not to be arrogant,

but I don't, I don't trust a lot

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of doctors because I don't, I think

they have their, their five tools.

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And this is what the

five tools that I have.

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If you have as many tools as I understand,

and then we can have a conversation

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that's a little bit more inclusive, but

when you only have surgery and drugs

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and a hysterectomy is my only choices, I

tend to sort of doubt that you're, very

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well researched in other modalities.

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So she said, um, I think a hysterectomy

and I looked at her and the kind of

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laughed and I thought you're crazy.

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So then the other doctor looked at

me and said, you make me nervous.

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And I had to laugh.

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And I looked at her, I had to consult her.

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I said, okay, and I I'm coming

up with different ways in

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which this can all work out.

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And at the end of the day, I said,

look, I said, you know, what's got to

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say it's a 15 percent chance, right?

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That this is going to go bad and only a

15 percent chance because the other doctor

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thought I, in my age range, forget my

health level, that my age range indicated

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that it was more than 5 percent because

it would have normally been a 5 percent

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chance that something would go wrong.

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So I said to this gynecologist, that's

85 percent chance it's going to go right.

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So here's what's going to happen.

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You're going to do the procedure

and it's going to do exactly what's

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supposed to, it's going to shrink up,

it's going to break down, it's going

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to slowly over time leave my body.

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That's what's going to happen.

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So I had the, and there was

a whole fighting with the

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doctor during the procedure.

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Anyway, it happened exactly

the way that I said it was, it

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would, nothing bad happened.

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And the gynecologist, when

I went back in basically was

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like, okay, what do you want?

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I'll do whatever you say.

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You obviously are, you know, you're

listening to your body and it's working

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because I had to fight against two

doctors about a 15 percent chance

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that something was going to go bad.

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They wanted to take out my uterus.

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I'm like, no, right.

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But that's what we deal with.

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And if we, and if we keep giving

the power away to, so there's,

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there's something for your need.

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I feel that's a little bit of a, I don't

know, is it before you got diagnosed?

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Were you nervous when you went to the

doctor or was it since having cancer?

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I have, I know I was always

nervous about my heart.

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Always nervous that I would, because

I have high blood pressure and always

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like afraid that I was going to have

a stroke because I watched my favorite

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guy in the world, my grandpa, um,

go through that and I, I don't know.

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And so that was what I was, but

I, not so much about cancer.

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I'd go in for mammograms,

never worried about them.

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Never was, I was just like piece of cake.

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You know, it didn't,

didn't make me nervous.

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Um, but I am, I am an

over mother for sure.

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And JJ, I, because I was always people

pleasing and I'm still learning, there's

390

been some really big things happening.

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I'm still learning how to overcome that.

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But I, I forgot how to have fun.

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Like I forgot.

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And now like, I'm like.

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I'm such a different person.

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Like I'm painting the laundry room and my

son comes and he's like, I hate painting.

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I'm like, I don't know.

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Everything seems fun to me now.

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You know, it's fun.

400

Who cares?

401

Like I don't have to hurry.

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And, um, so when I'm doing more fun

things, I'm, you know, working out with

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fun ladies, I'm riding my horses more

playing with my grandchildren, huge fun.

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for me.

405

Um, but I do, I do over mother

and I'm noticing that and I

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want to really be careful.

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I also know because of that people

pleasing, I've, and that we're kind

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of getting into what I've learned

in the course, you know, the,

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the, the journey that I've taken

through that, the roadmap course.

410

Um, And, and through the cancer diagnosis,

but I gotta say too, I gotta go back

411

and say, I love what you're saying

about how you knew yourself with the

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doctors and my daughter is a physician.

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So she's very like,

mom, what are you doing?

414

You know, but there was something really

special about when I went through this,

415

it really was a gift and a lesson JJ,

because I found this physician who broke

416

off from corporate medicine, darling

woman that I adored, and she said,

417

I wouldn't get a double mastectomy.

418

You know, she's like, it's going to work.

419

I mean, I had a, this is

another interesting thing.

420

The tumor was very small

and it kept getting smaller.

421

Like the MRI showed it one

size and then they went in for

422

surgery and it was even smaller.

423

And I'm like, really, you got to do chemo.

424

And they're like, yeah.

425

And I, I, even though getting that chemo

was, it was kind of like, it's probably

426

all gone, but because it was the type

that it was, it was a her too, they like

427

to use chemo and the, the oncologist.

428

was referred to me by the

surgeon who did amazing.

429

I mean, she, you're going to, you

know, the things you don't think

430

of, like you're going to, you

know, I don't want my nipple off.

431

Like I didn't even think about that.

432

That's hard for women.

433

And she did, she took, took her time, made

sure she had the margins and saved it.

434

And so like, I don't even look different.

435

It was so amazing.

436

So I feel like.

437

God brought me those people.

438

And then I let it go.

439

I was like, okay, I trust you.

440

And then she sent me to an

oncologist at a hospital.

441

I never thought I would go to, never

thought I would go to this hospital.

442

And I went there because they are

more, it's a teaching hospital and I

443

always hated having those kids come in.

444

But now that my daughter's, you know,

ending a residency, have a little

445

more loving about it, but so it was

a teaching hospital, but they were

446

more into fitting it to your needs.

447

But this oncologist said.

448

Cancer is probably all gone right now.

449

We're doing this to make sure, right?

450

This is a precaution.

451

And she said, I think you're going

to tolerate chemo really well.

452

And for some damn reason,

JJ, I believed her.

453

I don't know how, but I did.

454

And I, I hate it going in and getting it.

455

It would make me shake because I

do everything to support my body

456

and to like throw this poison in.

457

I was just like, Oh, but I

just knew that it's okay.

458

It's a reset for my body.

459

I'm going to be okay and

I'm going to overcome it.

460

And for some reason I was able to

follow it and I felt like it was right.

461

You know, it's, it's where

frequency and vibration supersede.

462

It's quantum physics.

463

It supersedes everything.

464

You know, my, someone who.

465

And let's just take, let's take, um,

vaccines and I won't go into any politics

466

about, I'll just say that for people that,

for people that have a lot of fear about

467

stuff or, you know, are good obedient,

do what the government tells you to do.

468

Uh, if they feel that this was helpful for

them, like remember I talked about relief,

469

like when I was signed up for surgery,

never once did I feel good about it.

470

I never, I never, Existed its whole time.

471

My body was like, kept

telling me no, no, no, no, no.

472

And of course, I'm defaulting on

how many doctors have I met with and

473

they all keep saying the same thing.

474

But my body said no, it

was clear I'm crying.

475

Hello?

476

So, I, and I trust myself and

uh, more than anybody else.

477

So, when it comes to whatever you

believe, someone that believes that

478

it might help them, now I'm not saying

someone who believes it might help them

479

also might not be affected by it, but

if they, if they truly, truly, truly

480

believe that they're going to be fine,

this is going to help them, that's

481

probably what they're going to manifest.

482

Yeah.

483

But somebody who doubts it will not.

484

Someone who doubts will get

not, it'll be, it's almost like

485

a self fulfilling prophecy.

486

If you have doubt and you do it anyway,

that's almost kind of the worst thing you

487

can do because you go against yourself.

488

It's not, and then the body

goes, well, let me show you.

489

Why you don't ever want to do

that again, because I'm going

490

to manifest the exact thing.

491

You're afraid of.

492

I had a client years ago

who was afraid of cancer.

493

She got cancer.

494

She died because she was

afraid of it, but she didn't.

495

So let's talk a little bit about what

would be next on your roadmap after, you

496

know, you got the basic core wound stuff.

497

It would be making an

appropriate proper map.

498

So you could actually understand

the different parts of the core

499

wound map and how it, and like how

you're responsible for keeping them

500

alive, how you're going to change it.

501

And that doesn't happen

because the roadmap course.

502

It's a self study course.

503

It's to get somebody familiar with

the idea of core wounds, to uncover

504

what your core wounds are, to see the

patterns that play out in your life.

505

There's a lot of, even if you just

do the exercise as it's given,

506

which I actually had Harville and

Helen this week on my podcast.

507

Uh, I got to confess to him that I've

made entire business around that.

508

Exercise and developed

it into something deeper.

509

Then he's very excited for me to share it

with him, which I'm very excited about.

510

And, uh, and for me to write a book

about it, which he's all about, uh,

511

because I've taken this one exercise

that was life changing for me, all

512

I had to complete what they gave me.

513

And that in itself was life

changing because of how I process

514

emotions, how I could see patterns.

515

And the minute that I saw the pattern,

I stopped it because my ex husband

516

would tell me, and I would say to him.

517

He's like, you know, that

thing you do, it doesn't work.

518

I said, Oh, I know.

519

Like, I was well aware.

520

I'm like, it doesn't work.

521

Why do I keep doing it?

522

I don't know.

523

I can't stop.

524

I don't know why I can't stop.

525

But then I did the exercise and I

stopped because I saw the pattern

526

went back so far and I understood

how it was about me, not about him.

527

Yes.

528

So I took ownership of that and

I taught that that way for years.

529

But over the years.

530

it would be hit or miss.

531

Not everybody would be like

life changed by the exercise.

532

And so as I got deeper into working

with people in this way, I, and in

533

smaller groups of people, I'd start

to see how, Oh, they need, this

534

needs to be fine tuned into this.

535

And this is how, how we're looking

at ourselves and how I keep that

536

core wound alive myself every day.

537

And if we don't start to change our

own habits and patterns and behaviors.

538

within ourselves, then we can't ask the

outside world to change necessarily.

539

We have to be the ones that, we

have to be aware of what it is.

540

So past that, so the roadmap course

is really about again, that diagnostic

541

process of, and I talked to so many

people who are even therapists and I'm,

542

and they would have, and even in that,

episode with Harville and Helm this week.

543

And I said, yeah, I'm not a fan of

traditional talk therapy because

544

you're literally talking about the

same things you're already aware of.

545

Like there's no new information.

546

There's no new way of

looking at something.

547

It's literally a recycling

of the belief system and the

548

information you already have.

549

That's a big, and there's no structure.

550

So when we look at, well, if I'm going

to go heal something like I've, I went

551

for Reiki this week, uh, one of my

Qigong teachers, she teaches, she does

552

Reiki and she offered me a session.

553

And I was like, okay.

554

Um, and Reiki is a very powerful tool,

but if you don't know why you're using

555

it or what you need to expect from it,

same thing with hypnosis, same thing with

556

Ho'oponopono, same thing with, I don't

care what the therapy is, tapping EMDR.

557

Why am I doing it?

558

What is the wound?

559

That's causing the problem and what is the

behavior or the shift in how I interpret

560

something that I'm waiting to see happen

so that I know it's getting better.

561

And that's where this whole idea

of talk therapy or just healing

562

in general is so, like, elusive.

563

Oh, healing.

564

It's like exercise.

565

Oh, just exercise.

566

What the hell does that mean?

567

As a practitioner, I'm

like, exercise more.

568

Doing what?

569

What is the goal?

570

Strength training?

571

Flexibility?

572

Do you want me to be a faster runner?

573

Endurance?

574

Do you want me to improve

my cardiovascular?

575

Like, exercise more is the dumbest bit

of advice anyone can give somebody.

576

So when you say, oh, I'm, I'm, you

know, I'm healing or I'm in therapy.

577

Okay, how?

578

What are you doing?

579

Are you, so let's, let's figure

out what the wounds are, at

580

least the top three core wounds.

581

Did you figure out what yours were?

582

Um, yeah, tell me again

what letter that is.

583

Uh, it would be one of the last two.

584

So it's, um, The Deepest Fears, I

believe it's The Deepest Fears page.

585

Not the last page, because that's

when you put it all together for the

586

Imago piece of relationship therapy.

587

But let's go one or two pages before that.

588

I'm sorry, this is taking a little while.

589

I've got my frustrations.

590

Deepest fears.

591

What's the page after the frustrations?

592

Okay.

593

Got it.

594

Okay.

595

Do you have any of the repeat?

596

You have your mom and your dad

and maybe other, are there any

597

words that repeat on both sides?

598

Uh, disapproved of.

599

Great.

600

Okay.

601

So let's just work with that one.

602

So if you have, and I'll take you

through sort of the, the, the, what

603

the map And that's not what's in this

course, although you can start it.

604

And I do start it on the, I added a fifth

week, uh, as a bonus to sort of do that.

605

Did you get to that?

606

Well, is that the question and answer one?

607

Okay.

608

I didn't do that one yet.

609

Yeah.

610

Do that one because I'll walk you through

how to, how to put, and it's not even.

611

Again, I've been working with

this now for so many years.

612

So it's even better now than it

was then, but that it starts you

613

on the, how do I make this map

from this data that I've collected?

614

So let's just look at disapproved up.

615

So you have a core

wound of disapproved up.

616

It's probably the first, most important

one, because if you have it with both

617

parents, then it's probably the strongest.

618

So disapproved up.

619

So when you and your, and when

you get triggered in life, One

620

of the top three core wounds is

what's going to be triggered.

621

And again, it's going to

be mostly subconscious.

622

You're not going to choose it.

623

You're just going to feel bad.

624

You're going to have a feeling because

your subconscious has interpreted you

625

being disapproved of and then you're

going to have whatever feeling, which you

626

can find that on the frustrations page.

627

And then you're going to have a response,

which is also on the frustrations page.

628

So you'll, you'll, you'll

figure out the circuit.

629

I call it the circuit.

630

And it's what happens.

631

Immediately.

632

It's so it's, it's built in, it's a

reactive, uh, pattern that you have.

633

And, and so while that pattern won't

change overnight, when you start

634

to recognize it, when you start to

notice it and become an observer

635

of it, then when you get to the.

636

The action piece, the third part of

it, you can choose to choose to act

637

differently, to respond differently.

638

And you can get through it faster

than what happens is people get

639

triggered because they feel devalued.

640

They feel abandoned.

641

They feel ignored.

642

They feel suppressed.

643

They feel smothered.

644

They feel disapproved of.

645

And then we create this whole story.

646

And we end up cycling and cycling and

cycling and cycling and cycling in

647

this story that's not true because

you don't understand the mechanics of

648

the fact that this was a, this was a

triggered response and I could have

649

just let it do its thing and then be

done with it, but I took it because

650

it was a thing and I made it bigger.

651

I made it bigger by telling people, I

made it bigger by making it a bigger

652

deal than it needs to be, not recognizing

that this is a core wound that I have.

653

And the likelihood is I'm going to

respond in this way in some degree,

654

possibly for a long time until I.

655

expand my comfort zone and

do something different.

656

Okay.

657

I want to, I want to talk to

you about something happened.

658

My husband and I have not had like

a, uh, like yelling fight, like a

659

real mad fight for quite a while.

660

And we were driving to the

airport to pick up my daughter.

661

And of course we started talking about

finances, which is not a good idea when

662

you're stuck in a car with someone.

663

In in our case we were talking about it

and kind of basically it is he wants me

664

to just take care of everything And I

don't want to I want to do it together I

665

want his insight and he doesn't want he's

like I make you know I make it you figure

666

out what to do with it and you tell you

know um, so he He could make me feel I

667

I don't know what the difference between

shamed shamed and disapproved of is to me.

668

It was real close You So

it was kind of like that.

669

No, that feels more like abandoned

because you, you want to do it together

670

and he just wants you to take care of it.

671

He doesn't want the burden of figuring

it out because he feels like he's

672

already tired doing what he's doing.

673

And he just wants you

to, and he trusts you.

674

So he just wants you to do it and be

done with it because it's too much.

675

He wants to, he wants some peace.

676

He wants some ease and

you want connection.

677

Okay.

678

That sounds true.

679

So you probably, If you have abandoned

on there anywhere or ignored or devalued,

680

there's probably a little bit of him.

681

It's like a rejection.

682

You probably took it a

little bit like a rejection.

683

And again, rejection is not bullying.

684

It's an interpretation.

685

So if you're, if you're interpreting,

my husband doesn't love me because he

686

doesn't want to spend time with me on

how we're going to spend the money.

687

That's because that's coming, that's

being filtered through your wound.

688

When actuality, he's

literally saying, I'm tired.

689

I have enough to focus on.

690

I don't want to do this.

691

I trust you.

692

Just do it because it'll

make, it'll bring me peace.

693

It'll bring me ease.

694

To him, that's the collaboration.

695

I'm going to make it.

696

You spend it and manage it.

697

End of story.

698

We each have our roles.

699

And then we don't have to keep

talking about something that,

700

like, it's just too much.

701

Like, he wants some space.

702

I love this.

703

I love this because I was a little bit

concerned because, okay, I looked at that

704

and I knew, and I was really like working

on how, how is this making me feel?

705

What is this?

706

And, um, and then I was thinking,

I always want to just come and

707

fix it and make them feel better.

708

Right.

709

And.

710

Is that wrong?

711

Is that over mothering?

712

It's you.

713

Cause I don't really want to do it.

714

I don't, I don't like dealing with money,

but then I thought back to, I started

715

taking care of my finances when I was 12

and I didn't want to, I was terrified.

716

I didn't want to do it.

717

And you know, so now I'm like, okay,

well there might be other solutions

718

and maybe there's something to explore

that like having a money manager or

719

you know, your financial planner or I

don't know, but having another solution.

720

that satisfies everyone's needs.

721

You have a need in this case, it feels

like you have a need for connection

722

and, and maybe because it stresses

you and maybe because it stresses

723

you out, you don't want to do it by

yourself because it stresses you out.

724

So you're trying to make it more fun and

more meaningful by having connection.

725

He wants space, but when you ask

me the question, is it wrong to

726

want to help somebody feel better?

727

It's not that it's wrong.

728

Let me give you, here's the reality.

729

When someone around you is upset and

you get triggered and you want to

730

make them feel better, it's because

you're uncomfortable being upset.

731

Because it triggers your wound of

not being able to be in that emotion.

732

So the real issue here is you don't

know how to hold the space for your

733

own emotions, so you don't have a whole

space for other people's emotions.

734

It's like, you know, it's too messy.

735

It's out of control.

736

You don't know how to let somebody.

737

It is.

738

And I don't know what to do.

739

Like I get, like, I want to

cry and then I get like, I want

740

to yell and then I like, okay.

741

But emotional processing is, is that.

742

It's about a process.

743

It's about allowing the process and

you want to repress the process.

744

So you want to talk about another reason

why you got cancer is because you repress.

745

Yeah.

746

So you're telling me, feel those.

747

Yes, there is a, and again, part

of this feelings and needs list

748

can help with the identification.

749

Uh, you have to start with being able

to allow yourself to have your emotions.

750

That doesn't mean other people

have to be involved necessarily,

751

or that they need to do something.

752

You know, it's why I really, I

used to yell at some of my male

753

clients as a personal trainer,

because there are women totally

754

would manipulate them all the time.

755

And, and, you know, and I'd say, look,

women manipulate men emotionally.

756

Because you allow them to, because

you don't, because the minute a woman

757

cries, a man loses his shit and he's

like, Oh my God, what do I got to do?

758

And then of course, then, then the

man will say, I don't feel free.

759

I feel, I feel trapped by your

emotions that make me do things I don't

760

want to do so that you'll be calm.

761

Okay, that's bullshit.

762

Because if a man could learn the

same thing women need to learn,

763

which is how to hold the space

for someone else's emotions,

764

which means allow them to have it.

765

Allow them to go through the emotion.

766

Don't suppress it.

767

I had a cat die a couple months ago.

768

And when Doug and I, when it happened,

thank God we, it was like, not thank

769

God, but Sunday night into Monday,

we both didn't really have any work.

770

We didn't have to cancel any

plans, but we both grieved all day.

771

And we literally just cried and cried

and we took a little bit of a drive and,

772

you know, but we, it was a grieving day.

773

And then the next day he

had to get on a plane.

774

On a plane to go back to Baltimore to

see his mom that was already planned.

775

And he was like, this is not

a good time for me to leave.

776

And I said, well, maybe it is.

777

So then for the next four days, I

literally laid on the couch, watch

778

television and did cancel plans.

779

I did cancel stuff and

I cried and I wailed.

780

I just cried.

781

And I, I apologized to her.

782

I was so, I had so much grief about it

and I was so feeling so badly about it.

783

And I'm, you know, in my house

yelling and screaming and crying.

784

And I did it as to, to, and I never,

I didn't have to hold it back.

785

I just let it out.

786

And it was almost a blessing that

he wasn't here because I know him.

787

And a lot of men would do this too.

788

There's a moment in time, maybe

48 hours in maybe less than that,

789

where he would have been like,

okay, I have to go to work now.

790

And he wouldn't have had

to, he would have chosen to.

791

Because feeling your

feelings is not comfortable.

792

And, uh, most of the time it makes

you feel out of control, but I,

793

like, I went through those four days.

794

So I had five days of crying and

screaming and yelling in my house.

795

And, um, but ever since then I've

been fine and I've been able to

796

process her death differently

and, and be okay with it.

797

And I haven't cried once

about it since then.

798

And that's not, that's not saying that

that means I'm over it and, or whatever.

799

It just means that I.

800

I squeezed it out when it happened.

801

There was no repressing.

802

And too often we do not let ourselves

feel because we have to function.

803

We have to be a parent.

804

We have to go to work.

805

We have to do whatever is on the schedule.

806

And we don't say, we don't give

ourselves a space to say, no, I can't

807

attend to any of that right now.

808

I had a tragedy happen.

809

I need to check out for a little while

and allow myself to feel sad and angry

810

and depressed and whatever the emotion is.

811

So this is why we don't have any skills

to do this because we, we get thrown

812

back into life and then we repress,

repress, repress, and the repression

813

creates disease quite honestly.

814

So, and I have to say, as you're talking

about this, I can't help but think of

815

these times when I found out about the

cancer and kind of when I didn't know,

816

you know, you don't really know how bad

it is right until they really go in and

817

you know, there were tests to do and, and

I would, I would go sit on a bale of hay.

818

and cry and scream.

819

And it was something I

haven't done forever.

820

So I mean, I think JJ, that's healing.

821

Oh my God.

822

Yeah.

823

Yeah.

824

Okay.

825

So now I'm going way over time and I

know you have a, you have a cutoff soon.

826

I have one other thing I want to ask

you about because I didn't address it.

827

On this worksheet, but I thought it

was so interesting that I journaled

828

all through this journey that I've

been through and I was writing about

829

my childhood and I thought that my

core wound was going to be abandoned.

830

Because this is so weird, but it was

before I knew about anything, right?

831

Before I knew how to get there.

832

My first two memories were when I

was about two years old, I was lost.

833

And these, there was a graduation.

834

I remember it completely.

835

There was a graduation party for

my uncle Jimmy and these teenagers

836

took me to this other cabin.

837

And then they just let me walk outside.

838

And I stood outside and I

had no idea where I was.

839

And I could see a lady mowing the lawn.

840

I remember a group of people walking

down the road and my favorite aunt

841

came and found me and picked me up.

842

And I remember my knee hurt

and it scratched on her wool.

843

So so I remember that.

844

Right.

845

And then my second memory is my mom

dropping me in water babies, like dropping

846

into the pool and being like terrified.

847

But that wasn't something that I don't

know why it didn't come up on this.

848

I don't know if I don't have

big feelings about it anymore.

849

You know, again, it goes

to the interpretation.

850

I had a client in the very first

beta group of the rewire and she.

851

Didn't have a lot of memories about

her, her parents or her dad, especially

852

cause he wasn't really around a lot.

853

And what kept coming up for her

was what other people would say,

854

Oh, your dad should be here.

855

He's abandoning you.

856

And but she never felt like, like she

filled out the sheet from hearsay.

857

It wasn't actually her own honest.

858

And what I said to her was, I don't

think your love language is quality time.

859

And so she ended up doing

the worksheet again.

860

And, and now, and it changed because.

861

Yes, her dad wasn't around, but her

love language isn't quality time,

862

so it didn't matter, didn't hurt her

feelings for him not to be around, right?

863

So we can see something and, and,

and say, well, someone else might

864

respond to this in a really bad

way, but it didn't really bother me.

865

And that's okay.

866

There's nothing wrong with

you that didn't bother you.

867

You're interpreting it differently, right?

868

Yeah.

869

And maybe you trusted at

that moment, you'd be fine.

870

You were two.

871

You didn't have any reason not to trust.

872

Right.

873

Right.

874

Maybe now in retrospect,

you think that's horrible.

875

I'd never do that to my child.

876

My, I would, cause you as a parent

would feel nervous for the child,

877

but you as a two year old self, who's

connected to source more than anybody

878

is when they're older, was not at all

afraid because you were like, whatever,

879

I'm just observing and being around.

880

Oh, there's my aunt.

881

That's cool.

882

There's Alicia.

883

I think it was a little, I was a

little bit afraid because I was like.

884

Where am I?

885

I mean, it was a, a, you know, a time,

it was quite a time because everybody

886

from the party went out and searching.

887

Um, but I, yeah, I, I mean, it's just

interesting that those are my memories,

888

but they don't, it, it wasn't something

that came out on the, on the worksheet.

889

And, you know, and the more that you,

are with it and kind of work with it

890

more kind of stuff like taking someone

through, I mean, six months, five months

891

into a six month program, people would

go after working with something, grow.

892

Oh, actually, I don't think

it's abandoned that my core,

893

like my strongest core wound.

894

I think it's like, when you look

at how we're judging it, how we're

895

observing it versus, um, as you

start to sort of work with it, which

896

is, you know, which is the fun.

897

I think it's fun part because it

gives reason and it makes you feel

898

empowered to do something about it.

899

The end of the bottom line here

is that it's not just going

900

back and digging stuff up.

901

You're you're being, you're getting

clarity, you're getting clarity on

902

why you react the way you act and

then you're being given tools to do

903

something about it and change it.

904

Yep.

905

And one other thing that I want to say

that I really liked about it, which

906

I didn't expect, there's a section

where you talk about the good traits.

907

It's your parents.

908

gave me so much peace, uh, till,

and I felt so good looking at that.

909

And so I was so grateful, uh,

for, for what they did give me.

910

And so that was, that was lovely.

911

And then the other thing, well, I'm

going to save that for my GiddyUp

912

segment that comes after this.

913

It's a, it's a, uh, exercise that

you gave us to do in the evenings.

914

And I'm going to talk about that because

it was, It's been life changing for me.

915

So you, you have been changing my life.

916

And so I'm going to continue to work

through things and I want the audience

917

to know that we do have that affiliate

link and it's just JJ philzaines.

918

com Backslash Lisa L E S a correct.

919

And that'll be in the show notes.

920

Yep.

921

Anybody can purchase the, um, and

I'll throw in the, uh, the anatomy

922

of emotion course comes with it.

923

So I'm happy to throw that in

for anybody who's listening.

924

And, um, yeah, you can get the course,

there's a payment plan or a pay in full

925

plan, and it's a, it's a do it at your

own pace and you can, can repeat it and

926

repeat it as many times as you need to,

or want to, which I would definitely

927

recommend repeating it at least once

or twice over a couple of years.

928

a couple of year period if you're really

sort of working on yourself because you'll

929

get more comfortable, more things will

come up, more memories will come up,

930

more, uh, deeper awareness, understanding.

931

So it's called the roadmap

to emotional healing and you

932

can get it, judges, lesans.

933

com forward slash Lisa.

934

Yay.

935

Thanks so much for being here, for

coming back and for changing lives.

936

And it's fun.

937

I'm not, I mean, I'm not going to lie.

938

I feel like it's a gift.

939

It's fun.

940

I'm so thankful to have met

you and to have been here.

941

Been able to do this work and

I will continue to delve in.

942

So listeners, we'll keep talking about it.

943

So JJ, thank you.

944

Thank you, Lisa.

945

You take good care.