167. Self-Love as a Practice: Voice, Boundaries, and Inner Worth

(upbeat music) - Welcome to Mind Power Meets Mystic, the show where practical mind power and mystical wisdom collide with humor and wild curiosity.

- Yeah, we're not here to play it safe.

I'm Cinthia Varkovisser, your resident spiritual shift disturber.

I stir things up with mystic power and bold action.

- And I'm Michelle Walters, coach and hypnotherapist.

I bring strategy and transformative hypnosis to help you turn subconscious walks into unstoppable momentum.

- Let's shake up your thinking, dive into your soul and make bold moves in your life.

- We'll take you on a journey of breakthrough and aha moments exploring spirit, business, love, relationships and self expansion.

- We're connecting you with your highest self and flipping fear into strength.

- So buckle up, we're doing this, one wild transformative conversation at a time.

Let's go.

Welcome to this episode of Mind Power Meets Mystic.

I am Michelle Walters.

I'm the Mind Power part of this lovely program.

Our Mystic, Cinthia Varkivisor, has the day off.

We are delighted to be continuing on our chakra journey and we are on Chakra 5, which of course Cinthia is the chakra expert.

But I know about this one enough to know that this is about voice and this is about expression and it's about sort of a getting your, getting your voice in the room.

And I am delighted to invite, have, host our wonderful friend Gina Covello.

Gina Covello is a self-love advocate.

She loves to speak passionately on how other people can further develop their sense of self-love because, well, she's going to tell you all about it.

Welcome Gina.

Hello Michelle.

Thank you for having me today.

Oh, we're so happy to have you today.

It's exciting.

So I know Gina, you were not always a self-love advocate.

This is not a new thing, but it's certainly not an old thing.

Tell our listeners how you came to find this work so important and valuable.

Thank you, Michelle.

So I'm giving you the short story here.

I grew up in a home environment that was very emotionally abusive.

And at a subconscious level, I grew up believing that I had no value that I was a nuisance, you know, all of that sort of thing.

And that really stayed with me until four years ago, I hit rock bottom, it's hard to live a happy life when you think you have no value and that you are not worthy.

So four years ago, I hit rock bottom, and I will gently say I wanted to not be here anymore.

And in that process of just hitting that emotional, it's a horrible place to be in.

I realized, like I got so angry, and I realized that I deserve better than the way people in my life had been treating me.

And that realization that I deserve better really was a very self-loving moment in my life, not that I understood it as self-love, but it really propelled me in a very new direction where I started prioritizing my needs and wants.

And really, that was the first time in my life that I really consciously decided that I need to show up differently for me because people are not showing up for me, so I need to do that on my own and not rely on others.

And I walked away from almost every relationship in my life because I understood they were not healthy relationships.

They were tearing me down and I changed careers.

So I really was in the space of not knowing who I was, not knowing what I wanted in my life.

And I realized I need to get to know who I am.

So I took time off and I spent time with myself and I took good care of myself.

And after a year or two, I really started to notice things in my life were changing.

Things were getting a lot better.

I felt a lot more comfortable.

And it's self love is really what improved the quality of my life.

And when I realized that, I thought, wow, like people really need to know this.

I know it's out there in the world, but I want to help other people because I know that I'm not the only person who feels bad about myself, I used to.

That lots of people, even people that I see who seem pretty confident, there are those moments where I see the self-doubt, I see them questioning their worth.

And I think everybody needs to elevate themselves and know that they are worthy.

Even when we're screwing something up, we are still a powerful, beautiful human being, even in those moments.

And I really want to help people understand power that they have within.

That's not the, you know, our external validation is what we look for to say that we have worth.

And that is the last place you need to look for your worth.

It is all internal.

So I really want to help the world see themselves in a different and new and more wonderful way.

And so that's why I'm here to advocate on this really important topic.

That's beautiful and wonderful and it's interesting.

It really resonates with a previous guest we had on our show, my grief therapist, Terry Stout, I'll put his episode in our show notes, talks about a very similar concept is learning to become internally referenced is what he calls it as opposed to externally referenced realizing that you've got a, I mean, that's, that's a, that's a lifelong journey.

Really, I think for most of us is trying to figure out how can you look at things more about what am I doing for me?

How do I compare me to me in terms of what I'm trying to accomplish or the support and not so much worry about other people because they are outside of your control and often outside of your influence.

And if you can't get there, you got to kind of decide how much energy it's worth putting into it.

Yeah, and right.

And that kind of goes to self comparison, right?

Because comparing yourself to others is really not a healthy thing to do that no matter where you are, you're you're great.

And it's okay that other people might be further along in that particular skill or career, even if you're older than the other person next to you and they're further along.

That's okay.

That doesn't mean that you're not doing great.

You're in your own world, right?

And so it's a we but we compare ourselves to others all the time.

And it usually ends up defeating how we feel about ourselves.

But it's okay that the next person is further along than you are, you're on your own path doesn't matter where they are good for them.

But as long as you're moving forward in the direction you want to go in, you're doing great.

Yes, yes.

No, I completely I really like that.

I also liked when you said that you needed to walk away from relationships.

Oh, yeah.

I've had moments in my life where I had to walk away from relationships too.

And it is hard.

Very.

It is very, very hard.

And I wonder if you might say a little bit more about that because I think that is, you know, it can be overdone.

I think there are a number of people out there who are, you know, deciding not to talk to their parents because they didn't call until after dinner on their birthday or something.

But which you know might be a little bit of an overreaction.

But, but there are times where relationships need to need to dramatically change, you know, and and go from talking every day to a Christmas card once a year or nothing, you know, right, right.

What I want to say about that is that healthy relationship should be supportive to your growth.

And if somebody is tearing you down, not respecting your boundaries, somebody who makes you feel bad about yourself repeatedly.

That person isn't doing you any good.

It doesn't matter if they're your mother or your best friend or your neighbor or someone you went to school with.

It doesn't matter.

If they're not supportive of you and uplifting to you, then that relationship is not healthy, period.

And it doesn't matter who it is.

If it's not a healthy relationship, it's not a healthy relationship.

And it is okay if your mother, for example, because moms can be really good at this, if your mom is tearing you down every time you see or talk to her, you know, first you would start with setting a boundary, gently, lovingly letting them know, I deserve better than to be treated this way, mom.

And if mom can't respect that, then mom is really not a self loving relationship to have in your life.

and it is okay to distance yourself from someone.

You're not a bad person because you are saying, "I don't want to be treated this way.

" That is being very loving.

And I think one aspect of this that people don't get is that people treat you that way because you let them.

And if you're letting them treat you that way, they are probably treating other people that way.

It just might be who they are, if we're not communicating lovingly, that this behavior is not acceptable, then maybe they don't know that that behavior is not acceptable.

Because that's just how you know what I mean, we can grow other people as well by setting healthy boundaries, and and doing it from a place of love, not from a place of anger, or being selfish from a loving place, I deserve better, mom, and I'd like you to treat me better.

And then maybe mom will wake and whether or not she wakes up to that is her choice.

But she might choose to see that, Oh, I treat other people this way.

And maybe that's why I'm alone or you know, whatever.

I don't know what mom might have to be aware of, but you can really help.

I mean, all you can do is express your truth.

Exactly.

And and do so when a kind and loving and a this is where I'm coming from kind of way when you say this, I hear that.

And this isn't comfortable for me.

Right.

And sometimes people need to, sometimes people hear it and can shift and sometimes people.

It's like it doesn't go in the head.

It's like, just not, it's just not going to get there.

So right.

And they may not be ready to hear that.

And that's on them.

That's not your responsibility.

But you say your piece, give them a chance to correct.

And if not, it's okay.

- Take some space.

Yeah, take some space.

- And it is hard to do.

It's not an easy thing to do.

You love them, even though you have this stuff.

- Well, and sometimes they're intertwined with other people, right?

- Yeah, yeah.

- You know?

So you got really webs of relationships going on.

And sometimes it's not entirely in your grasp to have things exactly the way you would prefer, right?

Hello listeners, you have been listening to this fine episode of Mind Power Meets Mystic and Cinthia and I have a few things we wanted to share.

Cinthia?

- Well, I've got a couple of crazy cool things that come up every month and one is called Strategic Intuition for Greater Businesses Success.

This is great for people who want to use their intuition for better communication with their families, their companies and community.

And that's on third Thursdays, these are all virtual.

And the other one I have is called the prosperity flow.

Shift your space, shift your life.

And that's on first Fridays, has everything to do with your home and any other space that you want to make more vibrant.

So that's what I've got going on.

What do you have going on, my friend?

I have two different kinds of events I do every month.

One I've been doing for years now.

It's called Nourish and Flourish.

Nourish and Flourish is a online hypnosis experience and it is always on a Friday and always at noon Pacific.

Usually it's the second Friday, but it floats around.

So the best way to find the date for it is to go to the classes page on my website.

There's a link there and you can either use it to just jump in or you can go over to Eventbrite and sign up.

The second event that I've started hosting this year is some marketing events.

I have two different talks that I give for small businesses who want to learn more about how to do great in their marketing and those dates and the classes are also available on my classes page.

All of these that we're talking about are free, good listener, And we would love to have a chance to meet you and welcome you to one of our events.

So for me, check the classes page.

And Cinthia, where can people find the details about your events?

- That is also on my website and the classes page, but let's make sure that we'll have them in the show notes so that it's even easier for our listeners.

- Love it, back to the show.

- But since we're talking about the throat chakra, expressing your truth is a very important thing be able to do in a healthy, loving way.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

So I know Gina, you've worked with a number of people and helped them to do better at self love.

Why don't you tell us a little bit about what some of that work has looked like?

Sure.

Self love starts with awareness.

We are often not aware that making particular choices are not self loving for us.

So this is where I start is just raising awareness.

What are the thoughts in your head?

How do you talk to yourself?

What are the words that come out of your mouth when you're talking about yourself?

You know, we often we make a mistake, we knock something over, and then we might say, "Oh, I'm such a glutz or an idiot.

" Do you hear the word you just used with yourself, right?

That was not a self-loving thing to say, "I'm a glutz.

" That's a negative.

So just being aware of what What am I thinking about myself?

What am I saying about or to myself?

And what choices am I making?

And how do those reflect how I feel about myself?

So I think that awareness is the biggest place to start is just understanding, oh, I just said those really unkind things in my head to myself.

I think I should change the words that I use or the way I think about myself.

Though even little shifts like that end up making a huge difference on their own.

And then of course it's putting it into action, you know, to take the time to clean your bathroom if that's meaningful for you.

Even though cleaning your bathroom is not a fun thing to do, gosh, it makes me feel really good about myself when I walk into a clean bathroom rather than a grungy bathroom, but taking action as well.

And it's a conscious, you have to consciously override your subconscious programming 'Cause the subconscious programming is running in the background on autopilot.

And if you're not paying attention to what it's doing, it's sabotaging you perhaps.

And you can correct it, but it takes your conscious effort to correct it.

- Yeah, yeah.

Well, the subconscious can do some of its self-correction, but it doesn't generally get there without a little bit of observance and noticing.

and rewriting, right?

- Exactly.

- And that happened, I mean, I see that happening in different shapes and forms for some of my one-on-one clients.

Maybe it's tears, maybe it's a regression, maybe it's a self-forgiveness that needs to happen or a recognition that, yeah, I did something wrong, but I was seven, you know?

- Right.

- Or whatever kind of thing.

- Yeah, but it carried forward 'cause you didn't need one.

But it carried forward and it became kind of how I think about myself.

And I think some of it is kind of like looking at what are the heavy coats that you're wearing that need to come off, that just aren't really about who you are and who you want to be these days and how to rewrite them.

And I mean, I think it's a lot about your subconscious work, right?

And oftentimes those words you're using about yourself, they're, they're, they come out before you've thought, right?

Oh, I'm a klutz, right?

You didn't even really think you just said the first thing that popped into your head, right?

And so sometimes it is about slowing down and allowing yourself to observe yourself and allowing yourself to make mistakes and have made mistakes.

- Absolutely, and to know that you're still okay.

Yeah, we all knock things over.

It doesn't mean you're a bad person, right?

And sometimes, you know, when it's very, we are used to reacting immediately to things, maybe just stop and take a deep breath before you verbalize or think.

And then have that, 'cause all it takes is a moment to pause before that word comes out of your mouth.

But again, if you're not aware, then you're gonna entirely miss the opportunity to be loving and kind to yourself, even though yes, you broke something, it was an accident, it's unfortunate, but oh, okay, it was a simple accident.

Humans break things all the time.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, no, it's kind of part of how the world works, right?

- Right, nobody's perfect.

No, no, we're all far from perfect.

Yeah, we shouldn't expect to be perfect.

Perfection, this expectation of perfection is one of the worst things that we do to ourselves.

Yeah.

So what are some of the, are some of the practices that you advocate people take a look at or do to bump up their self-love quotient?

Right.

So, you know, things like the journaling or meditating are very good for self-reflection.

You can really spend a lot of time, I spend a ton of time with my own thoughts, and they're very revealing, especially if you journal, 'cause when you're writing versus typing or speaking out loud, when you take the time to write, it draws out your thoughts 'cause it takes time to write, so you're with that individual thought for a little bit, few more seconds, and just write, like what do they call it, free writing.

Pick a topic, something that's bugging you, and just write for 10 minutes on that topic without judgment.

Let all of your petty, ridiculous, mean thoughts come out.

It's okay, but having that understanding that, "Oh, that's how I feel about myself," or "That's how I see the world," is just good information to understand that that's what's happening inside your mind.

if you don't take time to be with yourself, you can't know yourself.

Right, Michelle, if you and I don't spend time hanging out once in a while, then I would never know who you are.

And it's actually the same with ourselves.

So I think that journaling is a great way to just self-explanate.

Journaling, I agree.

I agree.

Journaling can be very helpful and revealing, right?

In terms of what's going on.

And I, I think that, you know, I was thinking about this earlier today, We live in such a noisy, always on screen filled world that it's really kind of as easy as pushing a button on something sitting close to me to be entertained.

Maybe it's not even entertained.

Maybe it's even just like.

Distracted.

Dimulated or distracted by something all the time.

Right.

I'm thinking of someone I know who is always, young person, always wearing earphones.

- Yeah.

- And I'm not sure that that's a helpful practice.

I mean, I understand you like music or whatever, but it is important to be able to listen to your thoughts.

Are you going on a walk and listening to your thoughts or are you just distracting yourself with whatever?

- Yeah.

- And you know, I mean, God, we're here making a podcast.

It's not like I don't sort of support people listening to things.

- Yeah, right.

- But it is really important to do that effort of self-reflection and allowing yourself to recognize, what are you feeling?

how do you share that out with the world, right?

Absolutely.

I think sometimes people feel bad, you know, we feel bad about the feelings or we think, "Oh, I'm weak because I cry when I talk about this subject.

That means I'm a weakling and I can't let other people see that.

" And emotions are completely valid.

And I want people to understand that you feel what you feel.

They're not good, bad, right or wrong, but you feel.

And we spend a lot of times distracted or avoiding understanding our feelings.

And I think that our feelings are the most revealing thing about you.

It is an expression of how you take in the world.

And it's important that you allow yourself those feelings.

We don't have to act on our feelings.

I was going to say, I'm all for feeling the feelings.

Absolutely.

What I am also for is the breath that comes after the feelings because there are people, many people who have the feelings, don't take the breath, and then jump on their kids or speak, you know, tell the boss off or whatever it is.

And, You know, I'm not saying that you need to like spend five minutes, you know, having your feelings and before you respond.

That's not true.

But the notion of being noticing are your hands sweaty?

Are you crying?

What what's going on?

Yes, having a breath.

And then figuring out what comes next?

Do you ask for more time?

Do you excuse yourself from the room?

Do you say something that hurt?

Because feelings are essential, but so are responses.

And I have many clients that I need to work with to try and like a big piece of what we're we're working on is separating the feelings from the response and creating creating space there with that there whether that's one second or five you know because that's what that's what we got to do you got somebody who's chronically pulling your hair or somebody who's like I'm stressed out I'm gonna eat chocolate or whatever it is what do we need to do we need to we We need to like find that like shoving a little, what do you call that thing?

Like a splinter or whatever it's called, get a little wedge there to make a little space because you can do a lot, but sometimes you need to carve out that moment and.

.

- Yes, right.

- And it will help you.

It will help you.

- It does help immensely.

Because when we are hurting inside, for whatever the reason, that's when we lash out at people.

I've done it myself.

I looked in my, I think he was 12 or 13 year old child's eyes one time and I said, "F you.

" I said the words, not that, you know, three times in the space of a minute, because he said the wrong thing to me and I didn't take that space.

I of course was upset about something that had nothing to do with him.

It had nothing to do with him, right?

And I let him have it because in that moment, it let me feel superior in some way to him.

And then I after I was done, I went to my room and I as soon as I closed the door, I was that Oh my god, I can't believe I just unloaded on him.

I turned right around and went and apologized.

But right creating that space.

Take that breath, understand what it is you're really upset about, which again is has to do with your emotions.

You don't want to take the thing out on the wrong person.

My son had no, he did not deserve what I unleashed on him.

He had nothing to do with him.

And we've all done it.

Of course we have.

Absolutely.

But just if we are understanding our emotions and taking that moment to, okay, how am I going to respond?

And maybe you do need to let me excuse myself for five minutes while I go calm down and then I'll come back and we can talk about this.

That is the most brilliant thing you can do because getting mad or whatever it is, does not solve the issue at hand.

It does not create effective communication.

It is only going to create more duress between if you're about to drama, drama.

Yeah.

It is not productive or healthy.

Yeah.

Well, thank you so much, Gina.

This has been very fun chatting with you today.

Always like to spend time with you, Michelle.

I know we could do this all the time.

Absolutely.

If our listeners want to connect with you, how should they?

We'll put whatever you say to put in the show notes, but how can they connect with you, Gina?

Yeah, I'm going to give you my LinkedIn and probably my Facebook account so people can find me there or maybe my email address and I will get back to you and then you can have it in the show notes.

Yeah, those are great ways to get hold of me.

Yeah.

Perfect.

to promote today, I'm going to promote a couple of my things coming up.

It is December: 2025

I don't usually sell single sessions of hypnotherapy, but I am selling a number of them, a limited number this month.

They are $99 for a 50-minute session, which is a really good deal.

So if you're interested in that, please go to the classes page of my website.

The other promo I want to bring up is happening next month, several times a year.

I do my famous class called SOS Stop Over-Eating Sugar.

It will happen in early January on Monday the 5th at 6.

30pm on Zoom.

If you haven't yet taken it and know someone or find yourself struggling with sugar, and some of us are going to struggle with sugar over the holidays, please sign up for my class.

It is available also on the classes page of my website.

So that brings us to the closure of another episode of Mind Power Meets Mystic.

Thank you to Gina Covello for being our guest today.

Please give the show a like.

Please give the show a follow and we hope to see you again next week.

Thank you.

You've been listening to Mind Power Meets Mystic.

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