Episode Summary

When emotions run high, it’s easy to get swept into your child’s storm.

In this first episode of Raise Strong, school psychologist and parent coach Alex Anderson-Kahl shares the real-world story of a classroom in chaos—and how one moment of calm changed everything.

You’ll learn the psychology behind emotional regulation, discover why your nervous system sets the tone for your child’s, and walk away with a simple, science-backed tool you can use right away to bring peace back to your home.

In This Episode You’ll Learn

• Why your child’s big emotions are biological, not bad behavior
• How your calm helps your child’s brain feel safe enough to learn
• What co-regulation really means and how to use it
• A step-by-step guide to the Pause and Name Method for staying grounded
• One common mistake that keeps parents stuck in power struggles—and how to fix it

Key Takeaway

Your calm teaches your child what safety feels like.

The more you practice pausing before reacting, the stronger your connection becomes.

Try This Week

Notice one moment when your stress rises—at home, at work, anywhere—and practice the Pause and Name Method before responding.

Then tell Alex how it went! Message him or tag @alexandersonkahl and share your story.

• 7 Simple Phrases to Help Your Child Calm Down Without Power Struggles - Download your FREE guide now! - AlexAndersonKahl.com/7-simple-phrases
• Visit Our Website - AlexAndersonKahl.com
• The Meltdown Map: 5 Steps to Handle your Child's Big Emotions - AlexAndersonKahl.com/meltdown-map

Have you ever noticed how quickly your child's emotions can change and how yours fall right behind them? When a child loses control, it can feel like they've pulled the whole house into their storm. And here's the surprising part.

Research shows that a parent's emotional tone predicts a child's stress response more than the situation itself. So how do you teach your child what safety feels like? Find out on this episode of Raise Strong.

Welcome to Raise Strong, the podcast that helps you transform parenting from daily battles into deeper connection. I'm Alex Anderson-Kahl, a school psychologist and parent coach.

And every episode blends psychology, empathy, and practical tools to support you in raising kids who feel secure, confident, and capable, all while helping you rediscover your own calm and joy as a parent. Because strong kids start with supported parents. This is Raise Strong.

A few years ago, I was called into a middle school classroom where a student was having a huge emotional outburst. He was flipping chairs, shouting, and everyone else in the room had already been evacuated. The teacher looked shaken. The aides were frustrated.

You can feel the tension in the air. When I walked in, I remember taking one slow breath through the doorway just to remind myself not to join the chaos. I didn't need to mash the energy.

I needed to hold it. I walked in quietly. I didn't raise my voice. I didn't give directions. I got on his level and said, you're safe. I'm here.

Within a few minutes, the same student who had been tearing the room apart was calm, breathing normally, and helped me pick up the chairs. And here's the thing. I didn't say anything magical. I didn't fix it for him. What shifted was the energy in the room. I wasn't invested in the chaos.

My calm became his cue that everything was okay. That's when I realized we can't teach regulation from a place of dysregulation.

The most powerful tool we have in helping kids handle big emotions is our own calm. Honestly, there are days I don't get it right either. But that day reminded me that calm isn't a reaction. It's a choice. We can practice.

So today we're going to talk about exactly how that works, what's happening in your child's brain during these explosive moments, and how the nervous system can be the anchor bringing them back to safety. Whether you're a parent, a teacher, or someone who just wants more peace at home, this is where it starts with you. So why does calm matter so much?

That day, what looked like behavior was actually biology. The middle School student wasn't trying to be difficult. His brain was stuck in survival mode. He didn't need more words.

He needed more nervous system safety. Here's what I mean by that. Every human, adult or child has built an alarm system in their brain. When that alarm goes off, it's not subtle.

The body floods with adrenaline, the heart rate spikes, and the muscles tense up. For a child, that might look like yelling, hitting, running away, or even shutting down completely. But those behaviors aren't random.

They're the body's way of saying, I don't feel safe right now.

And when a child doesn't feel safe, the part of the brain responsible for logic, empathy, and problem solving, what's called their prefrontal cortex, goes offline. So when we try to reason with the child in that moment, you need to be calmed down. That's not appropriate. What were you thinking? It doesn't work.

Not because they're being defiant, but because they physically can't access that part of the brain yet. You can't teach skills to the brain in survival mode. It's like trying to pour knowledge into a computer that's frozen.

You have to reboot the system first. That reboot starts with you. The fastest way to calm a dysregulated child is to stay regulated yourself. In psychology, we call this co regulation.

It simply means that children borrow are calm to find their own. When a parent or caregiver stays grounded. Slow voice, soft eyes, relaxed posture, it sends a powerful signal. You're safe. I'm not a threat.

Their nervous system mirrors yours. That's not magic, that's attunement. Think of yourself as the emotional thermostat in the room. Turn the temperature up and the room heats up.

Keep it steady and your child eventually adjusts to match you. This is also why yelling, even when we're trying to get control, often backfires. The brain doesn't interpret volume as authority.

It interprets it as a threat. So instead of compliance, you get resistance or collapse. Calm presence, on the other hand, communicates safety.

And safety opens the door to cooperation. Now, let's break this thing down through the lens of something called polyvagal theory.

Don't worry, I'm going to keep this really simple and will expand upon this in a future episode. Essentially, you can think of a child's nervous system like a traffic light. Green light. This is calm, connected state.

The brain feels safe, learning is possible, and your child can listen, think, and problem solve. Yellow light. This is the stress zone. The body starts to sense danger, maybe frustration Disappointment or feeling misunderstood.

This is where energy builds. Red light. This is full fight, flight or freeze mode. Logic shuts down, emotion takes over, and behavior looks out of control.

Your calm voice, your slower breathing, your willingness to pause, all of that signals safety. It helps move your child from red back to yellow and eventually back to green.

Every calm moment becomes proof to your child's brain that they're safe with you. It's like saying without words, you don't have to handle this alone. I've got you. And that's what builds resilience over time.

Not perfection, not punishment, but repeated experiences of safety and recovery. You've probably felt this in your own life. A sense of steady leadership. It's the same feeling your child is searching for in you.

When emotions run high. Have you ever been around someone who is completely calm? In a crisis, you might start out panicked, but their energy changes yours.

You start to match their breathing, their tone, their pace. That's co regulation in action. The same thing happens with your child when you enter their storm calmly.

You're not ignoring the chaos, you're guiding them through it. Really imagine it.

You're in the middle of a stormy sea and the captain is acting upset, yelling and completely dysregulated versus a captain who is calm. Who can tell, has managed rough weather before. Who is steady? Which boat would you rather be on? Kids learn emotional regulation through modeling.

They don't calm down because we tell them to. They calm down because we show them how. I often tell parents and teachers, your nervous system is a lesson plan.

You can have all the strategies in the world, but if your body is still in fight or flight, the message that gets transmitted is fear, not safety. The best part, calm is contagious. Every time you pause before reacting, you're strengthening your own self regulation muscle and your child's.

You're teaching their brain that big emotions are survivable, that connection brings safety, and that you can come back from chaos. It's not about staying perfectly composed at all times. No one can do that. It's about recovery, about coming back to calm faster each time.

Every repaired moment, every deep breath, every gentle response teaches your child's nervous system. We can handle hard things. So the takeaway here is calm isn't just a nice idea. It's a biological strategy.

Your calm literally rewires your child's brain for safety, trust and emotional intelligence. But knowing that is one thing. Actually doing it in the heat of the moment, that's the hard part.

So in the next segment, I'm going to Walk you through a simple, practical method that you can start using right away to steady yourself before you respond, even in those moments when it feels impossible. Because you can't help your child find calm if your own body is still in survival mode. Let's talk about how to change that. Okay?

We've talked about what happens in your child's brain. Now let's talk about how you can use that knowledge when your own brain is screaming for a break. Because knowing the science is one thing.

Practicing in real life, when your child is yelling, the room's a mess and your patience is gone. That's where it gets real. I teach parents, and I use this myself, a simple tool that I call the Pause and Name method.

It's not about ignoring your frustration or pretending you're fine. It's about slowing your reaction long enough to choose your response. Here's how it works. First, pause yourself physically when you feel that surge.

Your heart rate climbing, your jaw tightening. Just stop. Don't move. Don't speak yet. The pause itself tells your nervous system, we're safe. I don't have to act in this feeling.

Second, name what you feel. Silently label it. I'm frustrated. I feel overwhelmed. The simple act of naming recruits the logical part of your brain.

It pulls you out of the emotional storm and into awareness. You can't control what you don't first, recognize. Three, recognize what's driving it. Ask yourself, what's actually making me feel this way?

Maybe it's not the spilled juice or the shouting. Maybe it's exhaustion or fear that you're losing control. The moment you recognize the trigger, you can get back your power. And four, reset your body.

Take a deep breath in. Drop the shoulders and adjust your posture. Literally open your chest to give your body the signal that you're not under threat.

And here's the part that changes everything. Imagine yourself calm. Picture walking into the room, steady, centered, grounded. Then, and only then, take your next step. Walk in.

I know life moves fast, but let's slow down together. You deserve that pause as much as your child does. If it's safe to do so, let's actually try that right now. Take a deep breath in through your nose.

Hold it for a second. Now exhale slowly through your mouth. Drop your shoulders. Feel your body soften. Now think of a moment this week that tested your patience.

Picture it and imagine yourself using this pause. Feel that shift from reacting to responding. That's your nervous system recalibrating. That's what your child feels when you walk in. Calm.

One common mistake Parents make, and honestly, most of us do. This is trying to fix a situation before we regulate ourselves. We rush in to solve, explain, or control the behavior.

Because silence feels uncomfortable. But if you walk in dysregulated, your child's brain reads your body as unsafe, even if your words sound calm.

So before you address your child, make sure you've addressed yourself. You can't co regulate from chaos. You lead by modeling calm, not demanding it. Here's your challenge for the week.

Notice one moment when you feel your stress rising. It could be at home, at work, even in traffic. And practice the pause and name method before reacting.

You'll be amazed how different your next interaction feels when your body leads with calm. And I'd love to hear how it goes from you. Specifically, send me a message or tag me on social media and tell me what you noticed when you tried it.

These small shifts don't just change the moment. They change relationships. In the final part of this episode, I'll help you tie it all together.

The biggest takeaway from today and one powerful reminder you can keep in your back pocket for those tough days. Because calm isn't perfection. It's practice. And every time you practice it, you're teaching your child what safety feels like.

So as we wrap up today, I want you to remember, calm isn't about having perfect control. It's about creating safety. When you stay grounded, you're not just helping your child calm down.

You're showing them what emotional regulation looks and feels like. Let's recap what we covered today. First, big emotions in kids aren't defiance. They're distress.

Second, in survival mode, kids can't learn or reason until they feel safe. And third, your calm is the anchor. Build it with pause and name. Pause, name, recognize, reset, then respond. It's simple and it's powerful.

Because when you lead with calm, you're not just managing behavior. You're shaping the emotional blueprint your child will carry into every relationship they have. Here's what I hope. You take away.

Every moment of calm you choose, even when it doesn't go perfectly, is a message to your child's nervous system that says, you're safe with me. You're modeling the behavior you want from your child and building up that relaxation muscle for them.

That's the foundation of resilience, empathy, and connection. You won't always get it right. None of us do. But each pause breaks an old pattern and builds a stronger one. You're not just raising a calm child.

You're becoming a calm leader. So this week. Practice your pause notice when you start to feel that rush of frustration or tension and try the pause and name method.

Then I want to hear from you. Message me or tag me at @alexandersonkahl and let me know how it went and what you noticed when you tried it.

Your stories are what makes this community strong. If this episode helped you take a breath, share it with another parent. The more calm we spread, the more connection we create.

Next week on Raise Strong, we'll build out this idea of calm and talk about what to do once you have it. How connection before correction turns power struggles into moments of trust. You won't want to miss it. Thanks for listening to Raise Strong.

If today's episode helped you see parenting in a new light, share it with a friend or leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the support they need, too.

For more tools and resources, visit raystrongpodcast.com Remember, calm and connection are built one moment at a time. You've got this.